All mistaken, or, The mad couple a comedy : acted by His Majestyes servants, at the Theatre Royal / written by the Honorable James Howard, Esq.

ACT I. (Book 1)

SCENE I. (Book 1)

Enter Duke from War, in Tryumph, leading in his hand Artabella, a Woman of that Countrey, from whence he came with Arbatus her Brother, and Zoranzo Prisoner, and on the other side Amphelia and Ortellus and Guard.

Duke.

MAdam I need not say you're welcome to this Countrey since 'tis mine.

Artab.

Sir, leaving my own for yours, speaks my beleif of that and all things else you say.

Duke.

The same unto your worthy Brother Besides my thanks to you Sir for letting Your Sister take this Journey.

Arbat.

Your Highness hath so Nobly Exprest Your self unto my Sister, that I Consented to her Coming with you, so Highly I esteem'd your Princely word, That I have let her Trespass on the Bound of Common Modesty in this Adventure, for when this hasty Judging World shall see you have brought a woman From her'owne Country and not your Wife, how soon will every Tongue give her Another title.

Duke.

Sir my suddain Actions shall prevent all Tongues or thoughts either to name or Thinke her any thing but my Dutchesse, Therefore all that owe Duty or Respect To me, pay it to her. What Amphelia did you beleive the world So Barren of good Faces, that yours Only dos enrich it, or did you think 'twas All mens fates only to Doat on yours. Look on this Lady and you'l see your Errour, marke well her face and you Will find in every line Beauty sits Empress there, These are the Eyes Amphelia now, that dart obedience Through my heart, are not you vext To see I am noe Constant foole and Love you still.

Amphe.

Vext at what, to see a man I hate; Love another, a very great vexation: Know Sir this Breast has only Roome for Joy and Love, to brave Ortellus, Forgive my heart that 'twas not Yours before, since you have long Deserv'd it.

Ortell.

Madam, no time was long enough To wait this Blessed hour.

Amphe.

Alas great Duke instead of pineing

For your Change, you find me Mid'st a Thousand Joys in this New Choice.

Duke.

So you doe me Amphelia, amid'st Ten Thousand; Not all the Glories that attend a Conquering Souldier can create one Joy so great In me as being Conquer'd here in My owne Tryumphs. I am but a slave. Nor dos my victory over Thousands please Me so much as being overcome by One, by this fair one, whose Eyes By shining on my Tryumphs only Make it Glorious.

Amphe.

Well Sir we will not change our happy States; you cannot brag of happyness So great to make me Envy, I am Only sorry for this Lady that had nothing Else to doe with her heart 〈…〉〈…〉 It you: Madam if your Breast ha•• Been Crowded with some Twenty or Thirty hearts, and amongst these one very Ill, you might have made present of That to this mighty Duke.

Duke.

Madam does not this Ladies discourse Make you affraid of me.

Artab.

Not in the least Sir.

Duke.

Where's this bold Prisoner.

Guard.

Here and please your Highness.

Duke.

Well Sir, though you did attempt to Kill me In our Camp after you were our Prisoner You shall not dye, since you are of the Same Country this Lady is, Therefore Thank her and Fortune for your Life.

Zo.

I'de sooner Curse them both, shall I thank Any for my life but heaven that gave It me, I'de rather give it to a Cat, a Noble Death were far more welcome

To me, then a mean Life at second Hand, my being here I owe unto the Gods when they think fit to lend it Me no longer, they know the way To take it from me, I scorn to run In debt unto a Mortal Duke, for two Or three dayes Breath.

Amphe.

Brave Captive—

a side

Duke.

You're very high considering you Are in Chaines.

Zo.

Why Sir think you these Fetters can Confine my mind as they doe my Leggs, Or that my Tongue's your Prisoner, And dares only say may it please your Highness. How much are you mistaken: Know Sir my Soul is Prompter to my Tongue; And gives it Courage to say any thing, That Heaven will not frown at we shou'd Detract from those great pow'rs above, if We pay feares to any here below, perhaps You think, I'le beg my life now upon A pair of bent Petitioning knees. No Sir Had I a hundred lives, I'de give them all To sharpest Deaths, rather then Beg for one;

Duke.

You'r well resolv'd, perhaps your mind May alter, when you see the Ax. In the mean time Commit him to the Closest Prison, where if you have any Accounts with heaven, you'l have time To Cast them up before your Death.

Zo.

Your Sentence brings me Joy; welcome The Keenest Ax that can be set, 'twill Cut my Head and Chaines both off together. Welcome most happy stroak, since it Will bring rest to my Eyes, and make A Slave a King.—

Exit with Guard

Duke.

Madam I suppose this Journy has so Wearyed you, that 'tis time to shew you

The way to your Lodgings, and leave you To your Repose.

Guard.

Make way there for the Duke,

Amph.

My Lord you had best Attend the Duke. Because 'tis a Respect due to him.

Ortell.

I shall Madam at your Commands.

Exeunt

Amphe.

How has my tongue bely'd my too true Heart, in speaking hate unto the Duke and love to Ortellus. I hate the Duke, so Eyes do sleep that long have known No rest, how cou'd my Lips give passage, To such words and not have clos'd for ever. Not by my hearts direction I am sure, for That so swel'd being injur'd by my Mouth, as had not Pride and reason Kept It here from this unquiet seate, it wou'd Have forc't away to Archimedes Breast, And there have whisper'd to his heart my Tongues untruth. Why shou'd I love this Man, that shews me nothing but Contempt, And hate: Rouze drooping heart, and think Of that, think of it alwaies, so by degrees, 'Twill bring a Winter round thee, that in Time shall Chill the heate of thy undone And lost affections, oh 'tis not true that all our Sex Love Change, then I might find one Path that leades to it, that womanish vice, Were vertue now in me, 'twou'd free my Heart; and that were Charity.

Enter Duke.

See where he comes again, oh how I love And hate that man. Now help me Pride and fil My Breast with scorne, and prethee Tongue Take heed you do not faulter, heare not My heart that will distract thy speech, and So betray my fain'd unkindness.

Duke.

What Amphelia all alone, weary of your new

Love already, cant you pass away the Time with him one Hour.

Amphe.

Were he no finer man then your self to Be with him a Minute, I shou'd think a Seaven Years pennance. Good heart lye still, and let my tongue alone.

aside.

I wonder what a woman can see in you, Or heare from you, to make her Love you. I was Just goeing to have said, hate him. O what a taske is this, therefore let me Advise you to have a meane opinion Of your self.

Duke.

Me thinks that advise might serve for Your self ha, ha, ha.

Amphe.

Have patience heart I know I lye, thou Need'st not tell me so, I had better then Confess my Love. D'yee laugh Duke, faith So cou'd I at you till the tears ran down My Cheeks, that they wou'd quickly do, For griefe wou'd fain unload my Eyes. I must begon, I cannot longer Act this Part, unless I had a heart as hard as his.

Duke.

What you are goeing now to your Love Ortellus

Amphe.

I am so, and goeing from you to him is Pleasure double, not only pain to quit, But Joy to meet.

Duke.

Make hast then for your departure will Oblidge me too, so we shall be all pleas'd.

Amphe.

Hast I will make, but with unwilling feet.

aside.

For every step from him my griefes repeat.

Exit.

Duke.

She's gon and after her my heart is flown, 'Tis well it has no Tongue to make it's mone; Then twou'd discover what my Pride conceales. A heart in Love (though slighted) Love reveales, Yet though I love her stil she shall not know. Her hate shall seem my Joy; which is my Woe. My constancy I'le Outwardly disguise. Though here within I am not half so wise,

Yet rather then disclose my doating fate, I'le wound my heart by Counterfitting hate. To whine it wou'd the worst of Follies prove; Since women only pitty when they Love. With how much scorne she gave me welcome home? Ortellus in her hand to shew my Doome. Me and my Tryumphs she did so despise, As if they'd been unworthy of her Eyes. 'Tis well to her I shew'd as much disdain: I'de rather perish then she guess my pain. But O! the horrid Act she makes me do, To foole a woman that is young and true. So damn'd a Sin, that Hell cou'd not invent; It is to foul for any punnishment; To question those above I am afraid, Else I wou'd aske them why they woman made.

Enter Philidor.

O my Mad Cosen your Servant. Whether so fast?

Phili.

So fast Sir, why, I have been haunted By a Pack of Hounds this three Hours, And damn'd deep-Mouth'd Hounds too. No less then three Couple of Nurses. Three Couple of Plaguy hunting Bitches. And with them three Couple of Whelpes Alias Children Sir, they have Rung me Such a Ring this Morning through Every by turning that leads to a Bawdy House, I wisht my self Eartht a thousand Times, as a Fox does when he is hard Run, But that they wou'd have presently D••••d me out with their Tongues.

Duke.

Faith Philidor t'is no news to me, for I Have known thee from sixteen at this Course of Life, what and these Children were All your Bastards, and their Nurses coming

To dun you for money?

Phill.

Something of that's in't I think Sir.

Duke.

Well Cuz I'le leave thee to thy wildness, A fitter Companion much for thee then I at this time.

Phill.

Why Sir, I hope nothing has hapned to trouble you.

Duke.

No, No. My griefe alas is far beyond Express, To tell it to a friend can't make it less.

Exit.

Phill.

Wou'd I were at the wars again, I fear No Sword half so much as the Tongue Of one of these Nurses, and the youling of The Children are more dismall to my Eares, then the Groanes of Dyeing men in A Battaile, I am at this time in Law with Six or seaven Parishes about fathring Of Bastards, 'tis very fine truely, and yet me Thinks'tis a hard Case, that I shou'd be Sued for Multiplying the world, since death Makes bold with Bastards as well as other Children, the very Picture of a Nurse and Child in her armes wou'd fright me now, Oh from that sight — deliver me!

Enter Nurse and Child as he is goeing out.

Ha! and here they come: Pox on't what luck have I After saying my prayers, it shall be a fair Warning to me, now am I started again, And must goe Run tother Course.

offers to Run away

1. Nurse.

Esquire Philidor, Esquire Philidor.

she Runs after him.

Phili.

How deafe am I now, 'tis well I know This by way to avoid her.

Enter second Nurse and meets him.

Ha! S'death another, the Devill appearing Here too.

2. Nurse,

O my Proper young squire, stay stay,

d'ye hear sir,

Phill.

No indeed wo'nt I. Yet I know one way More to avoid them.

Enter third Nurse.

Ha! another coming here too, nay then I Find I am in Hell, before I thought I shou'd. What will become of me now?

3. Nurse.

Oh Squire, I thought I shou'd never have Spoke with your Worship,

Phili.

No by this light shou'd you not if I cou'd have hope it.

1 Nurse.

I wonder Squire at your Conscience to avoid Your pretty babes as you do.

Phili.

So, now't begins, I am like to have Sweet Musick from the Consort of These Nurses tongues.

1 Nurse.

Saving your presence fir, I think Here are three as sweet Babes as ever suck'd Teat, and all born within the year too, Besides three more that your Worship has In our street.

Phili.

A very hopeful generation, sure this was A great Nut year; well if all Trades Fail, I may go into some Forraine Plantation where they want people, and Be well paid for my pains, wou'd I Were there now.

1 Nurse.

Codge, Codge, dos a laugh upon a dad, In conscience sir the child knows your Worship.

Phili.

A very great comfort.

1 Nurse.

My young Master here is as like your Worship, as e're he can look, has your Tempting eyes to a hair, I cou'd not Choose but smile to my self tother day, I was making him clean about the Secrets, to see what God had sent him

In a plentifull manner, it put me half In mind of your Worship, I am sure I Have been at double the expence of Other Nurses in eating choice meat to Make my milk good for my young Master, because I wou'd not spoil the Groath of any one of his Members.

2 Nurse.

Nay for that Neighbour, I have eat as Good or better meat then you every day In the week; I never toucht a bit of salt Meat, for fear of spoyling my childs Blood.

Philli.

Considering how well 'tis born.

3 Nurse.

Nay Neighbours for that I have been At greater charge than either of you in Choice dyets, to breed good milk for My young Mistress here,

1 Nurse

You Lye.

2 Nurse.

You'r a Queane.

1 Nurse.

And you'r a Whore. Marry your husband Is the notedst Cuckold in all our street.

2 Nurse.

You lye you jade yours is a greater.

Phili.

His—now for a battail Royal.

1 Nurse.

If I lay the child out of my armes

Layes their children down and fight.

I'le pull off your head-clothes you Carren

2 Nurse.

Marry come if thou durst.

Phili.

'Tis best for me to be a Coward And march off from this bloody fight.

All Nurses.

Hold, hold, the Squire is going away.

Phili.

So nothing cou'd have parted them this Three houres, but the fear of losing me.

1 Nurse.

What wou'd your Worship have left us, Without paying us for Nurseing your Children, you have a Conscience with a Pox to you.

Phili.

So, now will they end their War in Vollies of shot upon me, I have but One thing now to do, with every one

Of these haggs have I been forc'd to Lye with, which they took as satisfaction For payment for two moneths Nurseing, Perhaps rather then they will have it Known to one another, they'l hold their Tongues and leave me,—well my three Sweet harmonious Nurses what is due to you.

1 Nurse.

Due, why there was twelve moneths Due for Nurseing, 'tis true two moneths Your Squireship satisfied me for

2 Nurse.

And me too.

3 Nurse.

And me likewise.

Phili.

Hark yee, if you will not be gone I'le tell

1 Nurse.

No marry wont I, till I have my money.

2. Nurse.

Do'nt think to fright me, but pay me.

3 Nurse.

I fear you not, pay me my money.

Phili.

Pox on't 'twill not do, I must try another Way. Boy was the Woolf fed to day.

Boy.

No sir.

Phili.

Go fetch him quickly to dine with these Ladies.—

Exeunt Nurses.

So, I thought I shou'd set them going, Ha! the Devil they have left the Children behind them, this was a Very cunning device of mine, now am I in a pretty condition. Troth a very Noble Anabaptist Progeny, for the Devil a one of these were ever Christned; For I have run so much upon tick To the Parsons for Christning of Children, that now they all refuse to Make any Bastards of mine a Christian Without ready money, so that i'le Have this boy bred up a Parson, that he May christen himself and the rest of his Sisters and brothers, what shall I doe

When these Infants begin to be hungry And youle for the Tear. O that a milk Woman wou'd come by now, well I must Remove my flock from hence. Small Cole, small Cole, will you buy any small Cole, Pox on't I cou'd never light of Any but fruitful Whores, small cole Small cole—

Exit.