All mistaken, or, The mad couple a comedy : acted by His Majestyes servants, at the Theatre Royal
Howard, James, fl. 1672-1674.

ACT II.

Enter Zoranzo as in Prison.
Zo.
SUre 'tis not kind, of those great Pow'rs above
To add these Chains to me that am in Love.
As to my Bed of straw, I am content,
Since any bed from her is punishment.
To lye on down of Swans wou'd be hard rest,
Cou'd I not make my pillow on her brest.
O Amarissa wer't thou here with me,
I wou'd not sell these Bonds for Liberty.
Ransomes that Prisoners give to be set free,
I'de give as much to Lye in Chaines by thee.
puls out her Picture.
Here is her Picture, Oh thou too like shade,
To looke on it my Eyes are half afraid.
It so presents my Joy and Misery;
Since 'tis the Nothing of that all to me.
The greatest pain to any Lovers heart:
Is to remember when they are a part.
For thoughts of Joyes when there's a Barr Betwixt,
Are worse then poyson with a Cordial mixt.
Enter Amphelia and Jaylor.
Amph.
Well said Jaylor, here's for thy pains
Page  13Brave Prisoner, perhaps this visit may appeare
But strange to you, till you have heard me
Speake, Know then when you receiv'd the
Sentence of your death, you seem'd to
Meet it with so brave a Soul, as if the
Sound had not displeas'd your Eares, thus
Did your Courage fill my Eyes with wonder,
And my heart with Pitty, straight I resolv'd;
To give you all my helpes to set you free,
Which now I offer to you.
Zo.
Madam cou'd I tell what to say I wou'd
Begin, I have nothing but poor thanks
To offer to you, and those though Millions
Were not half enough. Compassion shew'd
Unto the Miserable Heaven can only
Recompence, therefore in my Dyeing
Pray'rs I will begg from thence, a Blessing
To reward your Pitty.
Amph.
Sir the Joy of your Escape will pay my paines,
All my Endeavors I will set at work,
The time is short, therefore I must make
Hast, Expect to hear of me again with speed.
Enter Ortellus as she is going out.
Zo.
What can this meane, heaven grant she
Does not Love me, I wou'd not wish so
Brave a heart, so great a Punnishment,
Since my Love's fixt already.
Ortell.
Madam I have been seeking you, pray
Whence came you, this is no usuall place
To find you in.
Amph.

I was only walking this way Sir.

Ortell.
I'le wait of you presently. I suspect
She has been at the Prison; I will inform
My self by the Iaylo, and yet perhaps
She has bid him to deny it:
steps to th' Jaylor.
The Lady Amphelia saies she has left
Page  14One of her Gloves behind her in the Prison;
And has sent me for it.
Iay.

I'le goe see straight Sir—

Exit.

Ortell.
She has been there it seems then.
Madam I fancy you have been to see the Prison.
Amph.

Who I, what makes you think so.

Ortell.

Why, am I mistaken?

Amph.

Yes what shou'd I do there.

Ortell.
Nay that's the Question, but there you
Have been just now, and with the
Prisoner too.
Amph.

Sure you dream.

Ortell.
She's false I find, I'le try her Love to me, —
aside.
Madam since you have been Pleas'd to
Shew your Kindness publickly to me;
I take this time to begg my happyness,
Which is that a Priest may Joyn
Our hands.
Amph.

I will not Marry yet.

Ortell.

Why pray Madam.

Amph.

For a very good reason, because I hant a mind too't.

Ortell.

Will you give me another reason.

Amph.

I need not, that's sufficient.

Ortell.

You Love me, do you not?

Amph.

You know I have declar'd it.

Ortell.

But sure you'l not deny me twice.

Amph.

Not if you aske but once.

Ortell.
Fie, Fie, this Modesty is a Thiefe to Lovers
And Robs them of their time, Come, Come
Say I and blush.
Amph.

I'le not say I, nor blush.

Ortell.

If you had any Modesty you wou'd.

Amph.

You said just now I had too much.

Ortell.

To much of Impudence you mean.

Amph.

What's that you say.

Ortell.

Why truth.

Amph.

Get you out and wash your Tongue, tis foul.

Page  15
Ortell.
'Tis like your heart then, but that it
Cannot Lye asmuch.
Amph.

Most valiant Lord to give the Lye to Petty-coates.

Ortell.

Why did you deny your being in the Prison.

Amph.
Not for fear of you, I was with the brave
Prisoner, what then.
Ortell.
You went to make love to him, you had
Best use your Time well, 'twill be short
And sweet, your dear will not be so
Proper a man by the head within this
Two dayes. False woman, you have a
Heart that flyes from one mans breast
To another; all the inconstancy of your
Sex is Constancy to this of yours: you
Have deceiv'd the Duke already, that
Might have been my warning.
Amph.
Faith and so it might, the Duke in all
Things so farr Excells you that you were
A fool to think when once my heart
Bid him farwell, that it design'd no
Better a Change then you; troth you'r
Mistaken, it had a further Journy to
Make; and so took your Breast for an
Inn; only to Lye by the way.
Ortell.
Base woman, is't not enough that
You have fool'd me but you must mock
Me too, heaven hold my hand from
Murthering thee.
Amph.

Fright those that fear you.—

Exit.
Ortell.
Cursed of all fool'd men (like me) light
Heavy on thee, Reveng begins to fill
My heart and I will poure it out on
This base woman. I know the way,
I'le to the Duke.
Enter Duke.
I am glad I have met your Highness, for
Page  16I have business to impart to you that Concerns
Your Life.
Duke.

What is't Ortellus.

Ortell.

Know Sir Amphelia that

Duke.

Loves you.

Ortell.

No Sir she Loves the Prisoner

Duke.

'Tis impossible.

Ortell.
'Tis very true Sir, I caught her coming from him,
She is designeing his Escape, and for ought
I know, her Love to him may put other
Thoughts into her head.
Duke.

What d'yee mean.

Ortell.
She may designe your Life, a woman that
Is ill, Exceeds a man in Mischiefe.
Duke.
My Lord I thank your Care, if you can
Track her further, pray let me know, in
The mean time I shall prevent her
Ill intentions.
Ortell.
My dilligence shall not be wanting, so
Since I can have no Love, Revenge
Shall be my Mistris.—
Exit.
Duke.
Oh Amphelia why dost thou take such
Paines to break my heart when 'tis to
Easily done. She needs not secretly contrive
My death since half a word from her,
Commands my life, her face and heart,
Sure cannot be a kin, Nature Mistooke,
Or else she was too blame to give one
Woman to so great Extreames.
Enter Arbatus.
See here comes the Brother to wrong'd Artabella.
The horror of that sin growes bigger in me,
That I with a deludeing Love shou'd foole
An Innocent, to shew an outward scorn
To false Amphelia, for when I heard she
Lov'd Ortellus, I straight made Love to
Page  17This young woman, and brought her from
Her own Countrey, only to make Amphelia
Think I lov'd another.
Arbat.

I hope I don't disturb your Highness

Duke.

No Arbatus you are alwaies welcome to me.

Arba.

Sir, I should ask you a question.

Duke.

You freely may.

Arba.
Not but I think my Sister far unworthy
Either in Birth or Fortune, to be call'd
Your Wife: Yet since you have been
Pleas'd to grace her with your Love so
Far, as saying she shall be your
Dutchess, be pleas'd to tell me why
It is not so; she has been here so
Long, that people now begin to say you
Mean her for your Mistress, shou'd my
Eares meet that sound from any
Tongue, I'de—
Duke.
Hold Arbatus, I'me sure I have given no
Cause as yet to doubt my kindness to
Your Sister.
Arba.
Pardon me Sir, in your delay you have;
My Sister has no Dowry but her Vertue,
Youth, and some small stock of Beauty.
These if you lov'd her for, you wou'd
Not waste, by letting time rob her and
You at once.
Duke.
Sir, business of great importance has
Hitherto defer'd my Marriage, beleive
Me you shall find me just.
Arba.
A Princes word must not be question'd
I have done.
Duke.

Oh Amphelia what dos thou make me do.

Exit.
Arba.
Let him take heed, if he dos fool my Sister, were
He ten thousand Dukes I'de cut his throat.
Exit.
Page  18Enter Philidor alone.
Philli.
I have been quite at tother end ot'h
Town to put my children out to new
Nurses, for I am known so to every Nurse
Here about, that they will as soon nurse
A Cats kitten as any child of mine; this
Is a very pleasant life I lead, neither
Is this the worst part of it, for there are
A certain flock of women that I have
Promis'd Marriage, I expect a volly of
Shot from them too, soon as they find
Me out; wou'd Wives and Children were
as hard to come by as Money, then wou'd
I turn Usurer, and let 'um out to use, for
To say truth I have enough to spare
Enter Six Ladies one after another.
So here comes one of my promis'd Virgins.
Nay a second too, —a third—a fourth,
A fifth—a sixth—Welcome blessed
Half dozen, now will I go Muster my
Nurses and children to, and go against the
Great Turk. I am glad to see they have
Brought ne'r a Coffin, for I expect nothing
But death from them: I wonder they do'nt
Begin to Ring my Funeral peal.
See every one of them Beckons to me, as much
As to say, I'de speak with you in private,
But the Devil take me if e're a one
Of them do, I find by this, they wou'd
Not have their business known to
One another, this may be a means for me
To get off for this time; Ladies you all
Look as if you had something to say to me.
Page  19Pray make me so happy as to let me know
What 'tis:
They dare not speak aloud,
aside.
Will you Madam, or you, or you Madam,
Or you Madam; not one of you tell me
What the honour of these Visits mean.
I see I am troublesome to you all, therefore
Ile not be longer Rude; and so I take
My leave; This was good luck, that
They shou'd come altogether, for I had
Beckon him.
Rather be alone six hours with the Devil
Then with e're a one of them half an
Houre, I'le stand close in this corner,
Till they are all gone.
1 Lady.

Now the Pox take him for a cunning Rogue.

2 Lady.

A Plague take him.

3 Lady.

The Devil take him.

4 Lady.
If there be e're a Divel worse then another
Take him thou.
5 Lady.

Oh that I had him alone.

6. Lady.

Was there ever such a Rascal.

Exeunt at several doors.
Phil.
So the cost is clear again.
peeps out.
Enter Mirida.
S'death here comes another, O 'tis none
Of that gange though.
Mirida.
I'le lay my head, ne're a Girle in
Christendome of my age can say what
I can, I'me now but five years i'th
Teens, and I have fool'd five several men.
Phili.
A brave wench by this light, sure 'tis I
In Petty coates.
Mirida.
My humour is to love no man but to
Have as many Love me as they please
Come Cut or Long tail.
Phili.

A most Divine wench.

Mirida.
'Tis a rare diversion to see what several
Page  20Waies my flock of Lovers have in being,
Ridiculous, some of them sigh so
Damnably, that tis as troublesome as a
Windy day 'ther's two of them that make
Their Love together, by languishing Eye-
Casts, one of them has one Eye bigger then
Another, and he looks like a Tumbler, and
That Eye's like a Musquet Bullet, and I expect
Every Minute when he will hit me with it,
He aims so right at me. My other
Lover looks a squint, and to see him cast
Languishing Eyes, wou'd make a woman
With child Miscarry. There is also a
Very fat man, Mr. Pinguister, and a very
Leane man that loves me; I tell the
Fat man I cannot Marry him till hee's
Leaner, and the lean man I cannot Marry
Him till hee's Fat: So one of them purges
And runs heats every morning to pull
Down his sides, and the other makes his
Taylor stuff his clothes to make him shew
Fatter: Oh! what pleasure do I take in
Fooling of Mankind.
Phili.
Was there ever so witty a wench, 'tis the
Woman of women for my turn, I'le
To her, thou most Renowned Female
I cannot hold.
Miri.

From what?

Phili.
From kissing thee, loving thee, or what
Thou wilt.
Miri.
Troth you'r very well acquainted, considring
You never saw me before.
Phili.
Saw thee, I have heard thee talke this
Hour, like an Angel of light.
Miri.

Well, and d'ye love me for what you heard me say.

Phili.
Yes faith do I, why you are just of my
Humour, when I heard thee say how many men
You had fool'd, I was very glad to hear
Page  21You come one short of me, for I have
Fool'd six women, and you but five men.
Miri.
Why if you love me you shall be the sixt fool,
To make up my half dozen too.
Phili.

No I wont, and yet I'le love thee too.

Miri.

Why how will you help it?

Phili.

Thus you and I will love one another.

Mir.

What whether I will or no.

Phi.
Nay hear me, we two will Love how we
Please, when we please, and as long as
We please, doe not these Propositions
Tickle your heart a little.
Mir.
I don't mislike them. Now cou'd I take him
About the Neck and Kiss him for this humour
Of his, and do you say you will Love me.
Phi.

Yes marry will I.

Mir.

Nay hold, I wont marry you.

Phi.

Nor I thee, for all the world.

Mir.

And yet you say you will Love me.

Phi.

I tell you I will, make no more words on't.

Mir.
Why then hark you, to be as obsolute
As you, I will Love you too. That is to say,
Upon the aforesaid Conditions.
Phi.
With all my heart, prethee don't think
That I will Love thee upon any other
Termes; but come we must seal this
Bargain with Hands, Hearts, and Lips.
Mir.
No, No, no Lips; wee'l only shake
Hands upon't, that's enough for so
Weighty a Contract as this of ours.
Phi.

But prethee lets seale the Bargain.

Mir.

No, no Sir I use no Wax to my Lips.

Phi.

Nay by my Troth I care not a Pin to Kiss thee.

Mir.
No, looke upon me well and see if you
Can say so again.
Phi.
Hum, yes faith, I will give two pence to
Kiss thee now.
Page  22
Mir.
Well Sir when I do Kiss you, I'le
Bate you a penny of that.
Phill.

Now you and I will sing this Song.

He sings.
My love and I a bargain made,
It is well worth a telling,
When one was weary we agreed.
To part both shou'd be willing.
Mir.

Nay here I'me for you too.

She sings.
And thus our Loves will longer last
Then fools that still are pining,
Wee'l spend our time in joy and mirth
Whilst doaters do in whining.
Phili.
Faith you and I sing very well; we
Are alike in that too: I see either
Nature or the Devil, some body, or something,
Made thee and me for one another; well,
But let us remember our conditions.
Imprimis, I will love you.
Mir.

Item, So will I you.

Phi.

I will not say how long.

Mir.

Item, Nor I neither.

Phi.

Item, It may be I can love you but a weeke.

Mir.

Item, I don't care if it be but a day.

Phi.

Item, I will never be tyed to any thing.

Mir.

Item, Thou shalt be tyed to what thou Wilt but me.

Phi.

Item, I will come when I please, and go when I please.

Mir.

Item, Thou shalt drown'd thy self when Thou wilt, or hang thy self when thou Wilt, or go to the Devil when thou wilt.

Phi.

Item, If I shou'd like another woman, I Will have the liberty of leaving you, Without any Ceremony, but just saying Good buy.

Page  23
Mir.

Item, If I shou'd like any man better then You, I'le leave you without saying so Much as good buy.

Phi.

Item, The first that sighs of us two Shall fast a weeke.

Mir.

Item, The first that looks but Melancholly of us two shall Be starv'd to Death.

Phi.

To Conclude we will be both as mad As we please.

Mir.

Agreed and the Devill take the Tamest.

Phi.
A blest Bargain, but hark you there's
One thing I have forgot,
Mir.

What's that.

Phi.

Have you had as many Children as I,

Mir.

No indeed hant I:

Phi.
Why then you must let me help you to'um,
That you may be even with me there too.
Mir.

Hold Sir, that bargain's yet to make.

Phi.
Pox on't that shou'd have been one
Of our Articles.
Mir.

Well I can stay no longer with you now.

Phi.
Nay prethee hold, thou shalt not go get,
I can't part with you so soon.
Mir.
I but I have a mind to go, and that's one
Of our Articles.
Phi.
Well but shan't we put that other
Article in before we part
Mir.

No, no, good buy to you.

Phi.

Farewel Mettle.—

Exit.
Enter Pinguister, Doctor and Servants.
Mir.
Look you Mr. Pinguister this is the
Measure must meet about your waste
Before I marry you.
Ping.
This, why twill not come about the small
tryes the measure himself.
Of my Legg.
Mir.
Sir, I am the sorryer for it, but it must
Page  24Compass your Middle before you can be
My deare Chuck, your Servant Sir,
I am in hast.
Ping.
Prethee thou damnable pretty Rogue,
Let me have some comfort from thee
Before thou goest, either from thy Eyes,
Thy Cheeks, Mouth or Nose, or some
Part about thee; Consider what a
Dissolution I must undergo for Love
Of thee.
Mir.
I do indeed Sir, but your Servant
For this time. —
Exit.
Ping.
Worthey Docter my hopes are all in you now,
I have tried many Physitians already
To make me leane enough for that
Tormenting pretty Fairy Devill.
Doct.
Truly Sir your case is very desperate,
But if any man in the world can drain
Your fat from you, tis I; Sir we will
Begin your Course out of hand.
Ping.
Do you hear, besure I have at least
Two dozen of Napkins, ready upon
The spot to rub me at every turn,
Therefore come you all along with me,
Have mercy on me, I have Love and
Fat enough, to furnish a whole Nation.
Exeunt.