All mistaken, or, The mad couple a comedy : acted by His Majestyes servants, at the Theatre Royal
Howard, James, fl. 1672-1674.



Enter Duke from War, in Tryumph, leading in his hand Artabella, a Woman of that Countrey, from whence he came with Arbatus her Brother, and Zoranzo Prisoner, and on the other side Amphelia and Ortellus and Guard.

MAdam I need not say you're welcome to this Countrey since 'tis mine.


Sir, leaving my own for yours, speaks my beleif of that and all things else you say.

The same unto your worthy Brother
Besides my thanks to you Sir for letting
Your Sister take this Journey.
Page  2
Your Highness hath so Nobly Exprest
Your self unto my Sister, that I
Consented to her Coming with you, so
Highly I esteem'd your Princely word,
That I have let her Trespass on the
Bound of Common Modesty in this
Adventure, for when this hasty Judging
World shall see you have brought a woman
From her'owne Country and not your
Wife, how soon will every Tongue give her
Another title.
Sir my suddain Actions shall prevent all
Tongues or thoughts either to name or
Thinke her any thing but my Dutchesse,
Therefore all that owe Duty or Respect
To me, pay it to her.
What Amphelia did you beleive the world
So Barren of good Faces, that yours
Only dos enrich it, or did you think 'twas
All mens fates only to Doat on yours.
Look on this Lady and you'l see your
Errour, marke well her face and you
Will find in every line Beauty sits
Empress there, These are the Eyes
Amphelia now, that dart obedience
Through my heart, are not you vext
To see I am noe Constant foole and
Love you still.
Vext at what, to see a man I hate;
Love another, a very great vexation:
Know Sir this Breast has only
Roome for Joy and Love, to brave Ortellus,
Forgive my heart that 'twas not
Yours before, since you have long
Deserv'd it.
Madam, no time was long enough
To wait this Blessed hour.
Alas great Duke instead of pineing
Page  3For your Change, you find me
Mid'st a Thousand Joys in this
New Choice.
So you doe me Amphelia, amid'st
Ten Thousand; Not all the
Glories that attend a Conquering
Souldier can create one Joy so great
In me as being Conquer'd here in
My owne Tryumphs. I am but a slave.
Nor dos my victory over Thousands please
Me so much as being overcome by
One, by this fair one, whose Eyes
By shining on my Tryumphs only
Make it Glorious.
Well Sir we will not change our happy
States; you cannot brag of happyness
So great to make me Envy, I am
Only sorry for this Lady that had nothing
Else to doe with her heart 〈…〉
It you: Madam if your Breast ha
Been Crowded with some Twenty or
Thirty hearts, and amongst these one very
Ill, you might have made present of
That to this mighty Duke.
Madam does not this Ladies discourse
Make you affraid of me.

Not in the least Sir.


Where's this bold Prisoner.


Here and please your Highness.

Well Sir, though you did attempt to Kill me
In our Camp after you were our Prisoner
You shall not dye, since you are of the
Same Country this Lady is, Therefore
Thank her and Fortune for your Life.
I'de sooner Curse them both, shall I thank
Any for my life but heaven that gave
It me, I'de rather give it to a Cat, a
Noble Death were far more welcome
Page  4To me, then a mean Life at second
Hand, my being here I owe unto the
Gods when they think fit to lend it
Me no longer, they know the way
To take it from me, I scorn to run
In debt unto a Mortal Duke, for two
Or three dayes Breath.

Brave Captive—

a side

You're very high considering you
Are in Chaines.
Why Sir think you these Fetters can
Confine my mind as they doe my Leggs,
Or that my Tongue's your Prisoner,
And dares only say may it please your
Highness. How much are you mistaken:
Know Sir my Soul is Prompter to my Tongue;
And gives it Courage to say any thing,
That Heaven will not frown at we shou'd
Detract from those great pow'rs above, if
We pay feares to any here below, perhaps
You think, I'le beg my life now upon
A pair of bent Petitioning knees. No Sir
Had I a hundred lives, I'de give them all
To sharpest Deaths, rather then Beg for one;
You'r well resolv'd, perhaps your mind
May alter, when you see the Ax.
In the mean time Commit him to the
Closest Prison, where if you have any
Accounts with heaven, you'l have time
To Cast them up before your Death.
Your Sentence brings me Joy; welcome
The Keenest Ax that can be set, 'twill
Cut my Head and Chaines both off together.
Welcome most happy stroak, since it
Will bring rest to my Eyes, and make
A Slave a King.—
Exit with Guard
Madam I suppose this Journy has so
Wearyed you, that 'tis time to shew you
Page  5The way to your Lodgings, and leave you
To your Repose.

Make way there for the Duke,

My Lord you had best Attend the Duke.
Because 'tis a Respect due to him.

I shall Madam at your Commands.

How has my tongue bely'd my too true
Heart, in speaking hate unto the Duke and love to Ortellus.
I hate the Duke, so Eyes do sleep that long have known
No rest, how cou'd my Lips give passage,
To such words and not have clos'd for ever.
Not by my hearts direction I am sure, for
That so swel'd being injur'd by my
Mouth, as had not Pride and reason Kept
It here from this unquiet seate, it wou'd
Have forc't away to Archimedes Breast,
And there have whisper'd to his heart my
Tongues untruth. Why shou'd I love this
Man, that shews me nothing but Contempt,
And hate: Rouze drooping heart, and think
Of that, think of it alwaies, so by degrees,
'Twill bring a Winter round thee, that in
Time shall Chill the heate of thy undone
And lost affections, oh 'tis not true that all our
Sex Love Change, then I might find one
Path that leades to it, that womanish vice,
Were vertue now in me, 'twou'd free my
Heart; and that were Charity.
Enter Duke.
See where he comes again, oh how I love
And hate that man. Now help me Pride and fil
My Breast with scorne, and prethee Tongue
Take heed you do not faulter, heare not
My heart that will distract thy speech, and
So betray my fain'd unkindness.
What Amphelia all alone, weary of your new
Page  6Love already, cant you pass away the
Time with him one Hour.
Were he no finer man then your self to
Be with him a Minute, I shou'd think a
Seaven Years pennance.
Good heart lye still, and let my tongue alone.
I wonder what a woman can see in you,
Or heare from you, to make her Love you.
I was Just goeing to have said, hate him.
O what a taske is this, therefore let me
Advise you to have a meane opinion
Of your self.
Me thinks that advise might serve for
Your self ha, ha, ha.
Have patience heart I know I lye, thou
Need'st not tell me so, I had better then
Confess my Love. D'yee laugh Duke, faith
So cou'd I at you till the tears ran down
My Cheeks, that they wou'd quickly do,
For griefe wou'd fain unload my Eyes.
I must begon, I cannot longer Act this
Part, unless I had a heart as hard as his.

What you are goeing now to your Love Ortellus

I am so, and goeing from you to him is
Pleasure double, not only pain to quit,
But Joy to meet.
Make hast then for your departure will
Oblidge me too, so we shall be all pleas'd.
Hast I will make, but with unwilling feet.
For every step from him my griefes repeat.
She's gon and after her my heart is flown,
'Tis well it has no Tongue to make it's mone;
Then twou'd discover what my Pride conceales.
A heart in Love (though slighted) Love reveales,
Yet though I love her stil she shall not know.
Her hate shall seem my Joy; which is my Woe.
My constancy I'le Outwardly disguise.
Though here within I am not half so wise,
Page  7Yet rather then disclose my doating fate,
I'le wound my heart by Counterfitting hate.
To whine it wou'd the worst of Follies prove;
Since women only pitty when they Love.
With how much scorne she gave me welcome home?
Ortellus in her hand to shew my Doome.
Me and my Tryumphs she did so despise,
As if they'd been unworthy of her Eyes.
'Tis well to her I shew'd as much disdain:
I'de rather perish then she guess my pain.
But O! the horrid Act she makes me do,
To foole a woman that is young and true.
So damn'd a Sin, that Hell cou'd not invent;
It is to foul for any punnishment;
To question those above I am afraid,
Else I wou'd aske them why they woman made.
Enter Philidor.
O my Mad Cosen your Servant.
Whether so fast?
So fast Sir, why, I have been haunted
By a Pack of Hounds this three Hours,
And damn'd deep-Mouth'd Hounds too.
No less then three Couple of Nurses.
Three Couple of Plaguy hunting Bitches.
And with them three Couple of Whelpes
Alias Children Sir, they have Rung me
Such a Ring this Morning through
Every by turning that leads to a Bawdy
House, I wisht my self Eartht a thousand
Times, as a Fox does when he is hard Run,
But that they wou'd have presently
D••d me out with their Tongues.
Faith Philidor t'is no news to me, for I
Have known thee from sixteen at this
Course of Life, what and these Children were
All your Bastards, and their Nurses coming
Page  8To dun you for money?

Something of that's in't I think Sir.

Well Cuz I'le leave thee to thy wildness,
A fitter Companion much for thee then I at this time.

Why Sir, I hope nothing has hapned to trouble you.

No, No.
My griefe alas is far beyond Express,
To tell it to a friend can't make it less.
Wou'd I were at the wars again, I fear
No Sword half so much as the Tongue
Of one of these Nurses, and the youling of
The Children are more dismall to my
Eares, then the Groanes of Dyeing men in
A Battaile, I am at this time in Law with
Six or seaven Parishes about fathring
Of Bastards, 'tis very fine truely, and yet me
Thinks'tis a hard Case, that I shou'd be
Sued for Multiplying the world, since death
Makes bold with Bastards as well as other
Children, the very Picture of a Nurse and
Child in her armes wou'd fright me now,
Oh from that sight — deliver me!
Enter Nurse and Child as he is goeing out.
Ha! and here they come: Pox on't what luck have I
After saying my prayers, it shall be a fair
Warning to me, now am I started again,
And must goe Run tother Course.
offers to Run away
1. Nurse.

Esquire Philidor, Esquire Philidor.

she Runs after him.

How deafe am I now, 'tis well I know
This by way to avoid her.
Enter second Nurse and meets him.
Ha! S'death another, the Devill appearing
Here too.
2. Nurse,
O my Proper young squire, stay stay,
Page  9d'ye hear sir,
No indeed wo'nt I. Yet I know one way
More to avoid them.
Enter third Nurse.
Ha! another coming here too, nay then I
Find I am in Hell, before I thought I shou'd.
What will become of me now?
3. Nurse.
Oh Squire, I thought I shou'd never have
Spoke with your Worship,
No by this light shou'd you not if I
cou'd have hope it.
1 Nurse.
I wonder Squire at your Conscience to avoid
Your pretty babes as you do.
So, now't begins, I am like to have
Sweet Musick from the Consort of
These Nurses tongues.
1 Nurse.
Saving your presence fir, I think
Here are three as sweet Babes as ever suck'd
Teat, and all born within the year too,
Besides three more that your Worship has
In our street.
A very hopeful generation, sure this was
A great Nut year; well if all Trades
Fail, I may go into some Forraine
Plantation where they want people, and
Be well paid for my pains, wou'd I
Were there now.
1 Nurse.
Codge, Codge, dos a laugh upon a dad,
In conscience sir the child knows your Worship.

A very great comfort.

1 Nurse.
My young Master here is as like your
Worship, as e're he can look, has your
Tempting eyes to a hair, I cou'd not
Choose but smile to my self tother day,
I was making him clean about the
Secrets, to see what God had sent him
Page  10In a plentifull manner, it put me half
In mind of your Worship, I am sure I
Have been at double the expence of
Other Nurses in eating choice meat to
Make my milk good for my young
Master, because I wou'd not spoil the
Groath of any one of his Members.
2 Nurse.
Nay for that Neighbour, I have eat as
Good or better meat then you every day
In the week; I never toucht a bit of salt
Meat, for fear of spoyling my childs

Considering how well 'tis born.

3 Nurse.
Nay Neighbours for that I have been
At greater charge than either of you in
Choice dyets, to breed good milk for
My young Mistress here,
1 Nurse

You Lye.

2 Nurse.

You'r a Queane.

1 Nurse.
And you'r a Whore. Marry your husband
Is the notedst Cuckold in all our street.
2 Nurse.

You lye you jade yours is a greater.


His—now for a battail Royal.

1 Nurse.
If I lay the child out of my armes
Layes their children down and fight.
I'le pull off your head-clothes you Carren
2 Nurse.

Marry come if thou durst.

'Tis best for me to be a Coward
And march off from this bloody fight.
All Nurses.

Hold, hold, the Squire is going away.

So nothing cou'd have parted them this
Three houres, but the fear of losing me.
1 Nurse.
What wou'd your Worship have left us,
Without paying us for Nurseing your
Children, you have a Conscience with a
Pox to you.
So, now will they end their War in
Vollies of shot upon me, I have but
One thing now to do, with every one
Page  11Of these haggs have I been forc'd to
Lye with, which they took as satisfaction
For payment for two moneths Nurseing,
Perhaps rather then they will have it
Known to one another, they'l hold their
Tongues and leave me,—well my three
Sweet harmonious Nurses what is due to you.
1 Nurse.
Due, why there was twelve moneths
Due for Nurseing, 'tis true two moneths
Your Squireship satisfied me for
2 Nurse.

And me too.

3 Nurse.

And me likewise.


Hark yee, if you will not be gone I'le tell

1 Nurse.

No marry wont I, till I have my money.

2. Nurse.

Do'nt think to fright me, but pay me.

3 Nurse.

I fear you not, pay me my money.

Pox on't 'twill not do, I must try another
Way. Boy was the Woolf fed to day.

No sir.

Go fetch him quickly to dine with these
Exeunt Nurses.
So, I thought I shou'd set them going,
Ha! the Devil they have left the
Children behind them, this was a
Very cunning device of mine, now am
I in a pretty condition. Troth a very
Noble Anabaptist Progeny, for the
Devil a one of these were ever Christned;
For I have run so much upon tick
To the Parsons for Christning of
Children, that now they all refuse to
Make any Bastards of mine a Christian
Without ready money, so that i'le
Have this boy bred up a Parson, that he
May christen himself and the rest of his
Sisters and brothers, what shall I doe
Page  12When these Infants begin to be hungry
And youle for the Tear. O that a milk
Woman wou'd come by now, well I must
Remove my flock from hence. Small
Cole, small Cole, will you buy any small
Cole, Pox on't I cou'd never light of
Any but fruitful Whores, small cole
Small cole—