Horæ subseciuæ observations and discourses.

Of Affectation.

AFFECTATION is an o∣uer-serious loue, to ordina∣rie, and minute qualities: or, the putting on the abiliments of sufficiencie on the body of Pride.

It is a vanity, that shame forbids to bee acknowledged, yet folly permits not to be concealed. For howsoeuer a man may appeare to himselfe more complete, and full, in the vestiments of Vertue, by their largenesse; yet in the eye of another, their disproportion will make him seeme the more slender.

None being fit to weare the coat of Hercules, but such as haue strength to weild his club. Nor shall he euer bee thought to haue Caesars spirit, that much careth to scratch his head like him with one finger.

It argues a desire of honour, but no action towards it: for whatsoeuer the wishes of one that vseth affectation ayme at, yet his attempts reach no higher then to the imitation of certaine ge∣stures, and manners of speech, which being comely, facile, and naturall, as they haue the second place to reall Vertue; so if they be vnsuteable, forced, or counterfet, they come no lesse neere to Vice, and diminish more the estimation, then some great crimes.

For whereas some such vices

as be notorious, make a man more welcome into some societies, and some make him to be feared. This vanity causeth him to bee desired in no company, but scorned, and contemned in all.

I esteeme it a great vexation to see one affect a grauity in behaui∣our, as hee will looke vpon you with the stayednesse of a Statue, and obserue•• a set distance be∣tweene euery word, like the Ima∣ges that strike the Clocke at euery quarter. And some againe with more gesticulations then an Ape, to seeme to daunce about you. Some will carry their heads as if they vsed a bridle, and some so loosely, as if they needed one. Some had rather bee lame of a hand, then not seeme so, that they may weare a Scarfe. Or of a legge,

then lose the grace of carrying a French sticke.

It appeares most in some that returne from Trauelling, who be∣ing vncapable of other proficiency by their obseruations of gouern∣ments of Nations, situation of Countreys, dispositions of People, their Policy, and the like, these things not vnderstanding, or not knowing how to apply, which to the bettering of our iudgement, and manners, is the right vse of all we finde either in reading, or tra∣uell, they in their stead bring home onely fashions of behauiour, and such outward apparances, that a man must guesse they haue trauel∣led (for there is no other way) by a Legge, or a Peccadill, or a Pieade∣uant, or a new block, or a mangled sute, or words all complement, and

no sense, or mincing of their owne language, or making new and absurd deriuations, such as yet the world neuer heard of: or in euery period of their discourse, to say something of Paris, and Orleans, Bloys, and Tours, and then con∣clude that the Riuer of Loire is the most nauigable of the world; or to talke of their Mistresses, and pro∣test that the French Damoiselle is the most courtly, most complete, and for exquisitenesse in behauiour and fashion, may be a pattern to all the Ladies of Europe: and from hence they will take occasion, to fall into a digression of their loues, and to tell what hazzards they haue past, with the Wife of such a Merchant, or the Daughter of such a Gouernour, or Mistris of such a Prince.

All which fashions, obseruati∣ons & wonders, be collected with being a few moneths in France. And thence being wafted ouer, the first man they meet, is sure to know (if this halfe yeere in France hath not made them to forget their English tongue) the dan∣gerousnesse of their passage, how neere shipwracke they were, and talke as learnedly and seriously of Nauigation, onely by the experi∣ence they haue gotten in this dou∣ble passage in a little Barke, to and fro, as the best Captaine can doe that hath been three times in the East-Indies.

But all these things before re∣hearsed, and diuers more of the same kinde, are not onely their first month, or halfe yeeres imita∣tion, and discourse vpon their re∣turne,

but continue to their dying day.

At London being arriued, they are sure to make their first apparance with their last sute vpon the Stage, there practice, their com∣plement and courtesies vpon all their acquaintance, make three or foure forced faces, thence vpon their Curtoe, with a Page and two Lacqueys all in a Liuery, goe to the Tauerne, finde fault with all the Wine, and yet be drunke: in which disguise they post to their Sisters, or Aunts, or Grandmother, where they will bee admired for their absurdities, and almost made madder then they are by their praises.

These be affected Monsieurs: but they that passe the Mountaines, and leaue all this leuitie behinde

them, what doe they obserue? How doe they returne? (I meane still affected Trauellers) Of the two the worse, and the more ab∣surd, because the more graue. For a light foole is alwayes more sufferable then a serious.

The forced grauity of these, so set them forth, as any man may dis∣couer them with halfe an eye, espe∣cially hauing the dependances of an Italian Sute, Spanish Hat, Milan Sword, N••ds in stead of legs, a few shrugges, •••• if some vermine were making a Progresse from one shoulder to another, and the like.

This for their outside: but their discourse makes them eue∣ry where ridiculous. The name of an English Gelding frights them, and thence they take occasion to fall into the commendation of a

Mule or an Asse. A Pasty of Veni∣son makes them sweat, and then sweare, that the onely delicacies be Mushrums, or Caueare, or Snayles. A toast in Beere or Ale driues them into Madnesse, and so to declaime against the absurd, and igno∣rant customes of their owne Countrey, and therevpon di∣gresse into the commendation of drinking their Wine refreshed with Ice, or Snow. So that those things which in other Countries be vsed for necessity, they in their own will continue, to shew their singularity.

It were not hard in this dis∣course to point out the men, and it were a good deed to giue you their names, that they may bee publiquely knowne, lest some ignorant of their man∣ners,

bee by their outside mis∣ledde to admire them. But this may suffice, by which you may see, that the leuity of the French, and grauitie of the Transalpine Traueller, bee equally ill in the way of imitation; for nothing can shew well that is forced. Besides that, they imitate but imperfectly, and with lesse grace, like the Stars, that shew vs the Sunnes light, but with lesse splendor.

And they so extremely loue to be thought well dyed into Italian and French, as their eyes are of∣fended at whatsoeuer hath any colour of English. And to be estee∣med familiarly acquainted with o∣ther Countries, will seeme, and thinke it an honor to haue forgot∣ten both the fashions, & language of their owne.

But one sort of affectate Tra∣uellers yet remaine, and they be the seeming Statesmen of the time, empty bladders repleate with no∣thing but winde, such as being a∣broad, though it be but in some butter Town of Holland, wil make their first enquiry after such as pro∣fesse to reade Theorie of Statisme; fellowes that swarm in most places abroad, especially in Germany, or those places where the Dutch most vsually frequent, that nation be∣ing easie and apt to be gulled by these Impostors; beggerly Chea∣ters, that will no sooner vndertake to teach, but these cōstantly belieue to learne. In the space of sixe moneths (for that is the longest time strangers vse abroad to stay in one place) they will make them able, and when the time is past,

they will so beleeue themselues to be, or peraduenture sooner (they are so fruitfull in their owne con∣ceits) that they may declare their abilities to be fit for the employ∣ment of the greatest Prince, State, or affaire in the world.

And this wonder by their pro∣fessor of State, is thus miracu∣lously wrought by reading vnto them, with some most pittifull ob∣seruations of their owne, and di∣uers repetitions of the same things, as they vse to deale with Schoole∣boyes, a piece of Gallo-Belgicus. Some discourse in Tesoro politico, a part of Sleyden with Pezelius notes, or the like, as, if by reading onely, a man could apt himselfe for publike employment such a Master, such a Reader, such fragments, so short a time would enable him therevnto.

Following this in all places where they come, the very name of a Manuscript rauisheth them, though it bee but copied out of some absurd booke, printed the last Mart; which once knowne, as it will be, by their often enquiry for things of that kinde, (any thing, it's no matter what, neither doe they know more then in generall the name of a Manuscript) few mornings passe, that some poore Scribe or other doth not coozen them in that kinde.

Meeting with any of their owne Nation, they will endeuour to make them beleeue that they are as well acquainted with the coun∣sell, proiects, and policies of that State or Court where they liue, as any that be there, though of the highest employment. They will

tell what wayes they haue found out in Cyphring, and what charge they haue been at for Intelligence, which is demonstrated by hauing some papers wauing in their hands, though emptie, or at least but filled with their Hosts last ac∣count.

They will protest their entire∣nesse and inwardnesse with the men of the greatest name and employment in those parts, though peraduenture they neuer saw their faces, nor neuer heard them spo∣ken of, but by a Mountebanke in the Piazza.

But for the great Ones, in their owne Country, what is it not they will say, to make vs beleeue they are with them the onely great and entire men of the world? Which familiaritie betwixt them they will

endeuour to expresse by shewing their names to letters, though counterfaite, and Coppies of letters they pretend they haue writ to them, though neuer sent.

They will further tell you, that they are absent thus long abroad, (the State at home ta∣king knowledge of their abi∣litie) because they would yet reserue some libertie to them∣selues, and not bee wholly ta∣ken vp (as they be sure, if they were returned they should bee) with publike employment.

And then they will returne to generalls, and speake of Intenti∣ons, and Treaties, and Things, where they will stop with a shrug, or a Desunt nonnulla, and so re∣ferre you to the Starres for a consequence: as if these things

were too secret, too deepe for your knowledge, or to make you beleeue that the multiplicity of affaires and State-businesse distract and trouble their minds; when God knowes, the most that they thinke or ruminate vp∣on, is to get the estimation and opinion in the world, of that which they haue no colour to pre∣tend to, viz. Witte.

Againe, being abroad, they will trāslate the very Gazzette, the most ordinarie and vncertaine newes in the World, to send ouer by whole bundles into England, which some particular friends of theirs, that know no more of forraigne busines, then their letters infuse in∣to them, by this means are made to beleeue that the senders are serious, intelligent, and graue, and so they

looke too, when they come home; but thats all. And better vse I know not which way to put them to, then as a signe for those things they outwardly, yet vnhandsomly imitate.

That little which they speake, or thinke, or doe, smels of State. For to get but the name of an employ∣ment abroad, they will engage themselues, their friends, and for∣tunes. That is the vttermost of their Ambition.

But that small reputation which report gaue them heere, their owne presence at their returne, doth vt∣terly make to vanish. And by this meanes, which no other way could euer bring to their knowledge, they finde the fruit of their osten∣tation, and those vaine imaginati∣ons which before possessed them.

And thus much briefly of an af∣fected Statist. Now to other sorts.

It's Affectation in one, though naturally an elegant Speaker, not to descend a little to the capacitie of such as he conferres withall. For to some Country Husbandmen, one were as good speake Latine, as good English.

To vse, in discoursing of an ordi∣nary subiect, words of a high, soun∣ding, and Tragicke straine, is as vnseemelie, as walking on stilts, where one may as well goe in slippers.

Likewise Rusticitie in speech, and base popular phrases, in themselues shew want of education, but af∣fected, discouer folly to boote.

Old Antique words, such as haue beene dead, buried, and

rotten in the time of our Great Grand-fathers, would become the ghost of Chaucer on a Stage, but not a man of the present time.

Likewise, New words, like a new Coyne, will not easily be re∣ceiued, till both their weight, and stampe haue beene examined. To which may be referred the say∣ing of Pomponius Marcellus, who finding fault with some thing that was said in an Oration of Tyberius Caesars, Atteius Capito contrarily af∣firmed, that if it were not now La∣tine, yet it would bee heereafter. That is not so (saith Marcellus) for though Caesar can giue naturaliza∣tion in the City of Rome, to men, yet he cannot doe so to words. For they can neuer be admitted, till Custome haue allowed them.

That must bee referred to publike vsance, not to Caesars power.

There bee others that de∣light in figures, and their words fall in, one after another like sequents; which they bring in, in spight both of perspicuitie, and sence. And commonly, where a speech is all figures, you shall finde the matter a meere Cypher.

Like to these, are such as out of a poore Ambition to obtaine the grace of some good and de∣cent word, or Metaphore, will not sticke (so they may get it in∣to their writing) to write that which before they neuer inten∣ded, nor is perhaps to the pur∣pose, or to alter the whole frame of their discourse. And for the

most part such words, as they are sought with much paine, so they are placed at little ease, and trouble either the matter, or the method, or the stile, for want of elbow roome.

The worst Affectation of all o∣ther, is to affect horrible oathes in speech, which some doe, thinking them ornamēts, or signes of a great spirit, as indeede they are signes of such a spirit as they would be frigh∣ted to see appeare.

Or telling of wonders and Mi∣racles, whereby expecting to beget admiration, they carry away the re∣putation of liers.

Lastly, there is a sort of people, that as in all things they loue sin∣gularity, so in this, that they will subscribe to no word that sauours not of the Catechisme, accounting naturall and good Speech, as Eth∣nicke,

and vnsanctified: But this were better called Hypocrisie then Affectation.