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AS I'm a living Soul, as much as I can gather from the Captain's humour, I'm terribly a∣f••aid this Swaggerer should make some distur∣bance to day, and fall foul upon my Lad••. For as soon as young Chremes, the Gentlewoman's Bro∣ther came thither, she askt leave of the Captain to have him admitted. He began to huff and be an∣gry, but yet durst not deny her. Besides, my La∣dy
urg'd him to desire the Gentleman to sit down and welcom, because she'd have him stay there, for this wasn't a proper time to tell him all she had a mind to about his Sister. At last with a dogged Look, he coldly bids him welcom. The Gentle∣man staid, and my Lady began to discourse. This Captain Huff-cap imagining he had been a Rival brought under his Nose to affront him, thought he would do something that should plague her too. Hark ye, says he, go for Pamphila, to give us a Song. By no means in the World, crys my Lady; What should such a Wench do at a Feast? The Cap∣tain being set upon't fell to wrangling. Mean time the cunning Creature whips her Gold and Jewels into this Casket, and slipt it into my Hand to carry off; which is a certain sign she won't be long behind, as soon as she can get away.
As I was walking to our Country House upon the Road, (as 'tis usual with people when they are uneasie) a thousand thoughts came run∣ning into my Head one after another, which I took all in the worst Sense: To be short, whilst I was musing upon these things, I pass'd by my House unawares, and had got half a Mile before I perceiv'd it; upon that I turn'd back with a Heart as heavy as Lead.— When I was just got by the way to the House, I stood still, and be∣gan to think thus with my self: What? must I be forc'd to stay here eight and forty long hours without her?— What of all that?— A meer trifle!— How a trifle?— What if I can't kiss her Hand, yet 'tis very hard if I can't have one look at her? If I can't have the one, sure I may have the other: Tis better to be almost distanc'd, than to be quite thrown out of the Race. With that I went by on purpose.— But hold, what makes Pythia run out of Doors in such a fright?
Alas! my Heart misgives me strangely.
How's this?
I can't imagin what great disorder here has been in my absence— I'll e'en step to her
Hah, Mr Phedrie! Whom look for say ye? a Curse upon you and your precious Presents both together.
Prithee tell me what's the matter?
The Matter, quoth I?— Your Eunuch that you gave us, what wicked Work has he made here? He has gone and ravish'd the young Gen∣tlewoman the Captain gave my Lady.
I'm quite undone.
Ay and drunk too, I think.
Would the worst of mine Enemies were as drunk as I am.
O Law, Pythia, wasn't it a very prodigi∣ous thing, ha!
Thou'rt certainly mad.— How is it possible for an Eunuch to do this?
I can't tell what he was; but what he has done, 'tis plain. The poor young Creature is all in Tears, neither can ye get one Word from her. This precious Rogue hides his Head now. I'm wofully afraid he has finger'd somewhat out o'th' House too, when he ran away.
'Tis a wonder to me such a Limber-hamm'd Dog shou'd get out of sight so soon, unless he has ho••s'd himself at my Father's.
Dear Sir, step in and see.
You shall know that presently.
O Gemini! Prithee my Dear, did you ever hear of such a horrid Prank before? I never did.
Truly I have heard say, these Eunuchs are great Admirers of fine Women, but can do nothing but slabber them over. But I, like a silly Jade as I was, never thought of this: If I had, I should have lockt up my Gentleman, and have kept the Girl far enough from his reach.
Come out ye infamous Dog!— What d'ye hang an Arse ye Runagate Scoundrel!— Thou damnable Bargain out of your Kennel.
Good Sir.
Do but see what a damn'd Friday-face the J••il-bird makes? How came you hither again?— Why this change of Habit I pray?— What answer Dog?— Had I staid but a minute longer, Py∣thia, I had miss doth Rogue, you see hes just equipt for the March.
O dear Sir, have ye met with the Rascal?
Met with him? Ay.
That's good Luck indeed.
Ay special good Luck upo' my word:
What ha ye done with him?
Done with him? Can't ye see before ye?
Whom shou'd I see?
This Fellow here.
What of this Fellow here?
The same that was sent to your House to day.
I dare swear Sir, none of our House e're set eye upon him.
Sure they were blind then.
Pray Sir, can ye believe this to be the Man that was brought to our ••ouse?
Believe't? The De'el 〈◊〉〈◊〉 else had I to send.
Fie!— there's no Comparison to be made between this and that; for that other had a fine Air, and look'd like a Gentleman.
Ay, so you thought, because he had got his gay Cloaths on: now he has alter'd his Habit, you take him for an ugly Creature.
Pray Sir, don't perswade me to't, as if there were no more difference than that comes to. Why he that we had to day was such a fine young Fellow, 'twould ha' done your Heart good to have seen him. This is a dry, decrepit, drowzy-head∣ed Fumbler, and looks like a Weezle.
'Sdeath! What stuff's this?— You've brought me to that pass, that for my part I know not what I've done my self.— Come hither Sirrah,
Yes, an't please you.
Now pray Sir, let me have one pull at him.
Do so.
Were you at our House to day?
Well I'll at him once again my self. First, tell me how you came by these Cloaths? What ha' you lost you Tongue?— Ye ugly Dog, why don't ye answer me?
One Mr Cherea came.—
Not my Brother I hope?
Yes Sir?
When?
To day.
How long ago?
But a little while.
Who did he come with?
Parmeno, an't please you.
Did you know him before?
No Sir, nor ever heard of his name.
How came ye then to know 'twas my Bro∣ther?
Parmeno told me so.— And 'twas Cherea gave me these Cloaths—
Confusion!
— And put on mine, and away they went together.
Away ye Beast,— D'ye believe one word this Fellow prates?
A Fig for believing! The thing's plain e∣nough of it self.
He did Sir,
And put 'em on himself?
Yes Sir.
And was sent hither in your stead.
Yes, that he was.
Oh Heavens! This is the most wicked impudent Dog living.
Alas Sir! Are ye not convinc'd that we have been most basely abused?
No wonder if a crack'd Chamber-maid be∣lieves this Scoundrel:
No indeed, Sir.
I see there's nothing to be done without blows.— This way ye Dog— He hunts Coun∣ter.— Down o' your Knees, and ask me pardon.
Into your Kennel then.
Hey, hey.
Faith I cou'dn't tell how to make a fair come off without this Stratagem. If so, the thing's past cure.
My Life on't, this damn'd plot is of Parmeno's contriving.
You may swear it.
I'faith I'll pay him in his own Coyn before I sleep.— But prithee Doria, what wou'dst ad∣vise me i'th Case?
You mean in the young Gentlewoman's Business?
Yes, whether we had best keep it to our selves, or tell on't.
In tr••th, if you're wise, take no notice of the Eunuch, or the Girl either: for by that means
you'll keep out of harms way, and oblige our La∣dy besides. You need only say the Eunuch has gi∣ven us the slip:
I'll follow your Counsel.
But yonder comes Mr. Chremes;— My Lady isn't far behind then
What makes ye think so?
Because the Captain and she were almost at Daggers drawing when I left em.
Then away with the Casket quick:— I'll learn of this Gentleman what's to do.
Oh Mr. Chremes!
Who's that?— Oh, the pretty, pretty, Phythie! Why thou art worth forty of the Phythies I saw last.
And upo' my Word you're forty times more pleasant than you were before.
The old Saying's very true, If twasn't for Meat and good Drink the Women might gnaw the Sheets.— But your Mistress has been come home a long time I suppose?
Why is she come from the Captain's then?
Oh a damnable while— They were quarrelling like Dog and Cat.
Didn't she desire ye to follow her?
No, she only tipp'd a Wink at me as she went away.
And wasn't that Item enough?
No Faith: I cou'dn't tell what her wink∣ing
and twinking meant till the Captain very civil∣ly gave me to understand it by thrusting me Head and Shoulders after her.— But see she's upo' th' Back on's already.— I wonder what Devil brought me hither before her.
Ah Madam, I've been here a long while.
My dear Chremes! 'twas you I wanted; Arn't you sensible this Quarrel was upo' your ac∣count? And the whole business a concern of yours?
Of mine? Pray how so? As if I had been—
Whilst I'm taking pains to help you to your Sister, and restore her to ye, I'm forc'd to sit down with these and a thousand such like Affronts.
Pray Madam, where is she now?
At home at my House.
Hah!
What's the Matter? you needn't fear; for her education hasn't been beneath her self, or you either.
What's that you say?
Nothing but the truth. I freely give her to ye, and shant expect a Farthing for my pains,
I thank ye Madam, and shall endeavour to make ye amends when time serves.
But have a care Sir, you don't lose her be∣fore you have her, for tis she the Captain is coming to plunder us of by force of Arms.— D'ye hear, Pythia, run n and fetch the Casket and To••ens quick.
Where is't set, Madam?
In the Chest of Drawers.— D'ye move no faster ye Baggage?
What an Army has this Fellow muster'd up against ye?— Lamentable!
What Cow-hearted my Dear?
Pshaw, I Cow-hearted? I'm as bold as a Lion.
Ay, and so you had need.
Ah Madam, I doubt ye take me for ••a— strange Fellow.
However take this for your comfort, this Fellow you're to deal with is a perfect Stranger, has less Interest, less Acquaintance, and fewer Freinds to back him than you.
That I know too: But 'tisn't for a wise Man to stand behind an Ass when he kicks. I'd rather prevent a Quarrel before hand, than revenge it afterward.— Do you run in and Barricade the Door, whilst I run to the Piazza, and fetch the Constable to keep the Peace.
I had better go.
Stand your ground pray.
Pray let me go, I'll be back again in an instant.
Sir, you need not call any help— do but tell him she is your Sister, and that you lost her when she was young, and are now come to the knowledge of her, then shew him the Tokens.
Here they are Madam.
Do you take 'em Sir.—
Yes very well
Be sure you speak this with a good Cou∣••age.
Edad, and so I will.
Up with your Cloak Man— Dear Heart I've pitch'd upon a Champion that wants one him∣self.
Prethee Gnatho; Is't for a Man of Honour to put up such a notorious Affront as this? I'll dye upo' th' spot first.— Simalio, Donax, Syriscus, follow your Leader.— First I'll storm their Castle.
Very well.
Then I'll carry off the Damsel triumphant∣ly.
Better and better.
And lastly, I'll put the Jilt under severe Contributions.
Best of all.
Advance Donax with your Truncheon, and Command the main Body.— Simalio Com∣mand you the Left Wing, and you Syriscus the Right.— Where are the rest? Where's Captain Sanga with his Ragged Regiment?
Here Sir.
Who I, Sir? Why I knew the Prowess of my General, and the Carriage of his Souldiers so well, that they could never part without Blood and Wounds, so I brought this to wipe 'em withal.
Where's all the rest of 'em?
The rest, with a vengeance? There's only Sannio left to keep the House from running away.
Gnatho do you set 'em all in Rank and File.— I'll bring up the Rear, and there give the Signal for the Onset.
This 'tis to be Wise: When he has drawn
••p his Men in Battalia, he'll make sure of one ••Post for his own retreat.
This was always the F— K— 's way.
D'ye observe, Madam, what this Cut∣throat's about? I see my Counsel wasn't amiss when I advis'd ye to Barricade the Door.
Pshaw! This Fellow that you take for a Hector, is as Faint-hearted as a Town Bully.— Bear up Man.
Had we but a Mortar now to play upon 'em under the Covert way; one Bomb wou'd make 'em scamper.
Shall we give the Assault, noble General?
Hold I say.— Wise Commanders usually send a Summons before they Storm: Perhaps she'll surrender upon Discretion before we make the Assault.
Oh wonderful! What plaguy things these Politicks are? I never am in your company, but I go away the wiser for't.
What of all that?
That's a pretty Question!— Didn't ye bring one of your Gallants under my Nose? What business had ye together? Why did you slink away with him from my House?
Cause 'twas my Pleasure.
Why then deliver up Pamphila, unless you'd have her carried off by force.
Deliver her to thee? Touch her if you ••a••e: Thou worst of—
Do you prate, Buffoon.
Shan't I touch what's my own?
Thine, Villain?
I'll crack your Fools Pate for ye, if ye ben't gone presently.
Say you so, Mr. Snarle? Are your Hands so heavy?
That ye shall know presently: First, I say s••e's Free-born.
So!
And a Citizen of Athens.
How!
And my Sister too.
Oh Impudence.
Therefore Captain,
Why will you, Sir, hinder me from med∣dling with what's my own?
Yes, that I will.
Go look.
What shall we do next?
E'n let's march home again— By and by she'll come fawning like a Spaniel to beg your Pardon.
Think ye so?
Nothing more certain, I know the humour of these women well enough; when you will, they won't, and when you won't, they will.
Thou hast hit it.
Shall I dismiss the Army?
When you will.
Troth my belly chym'd Cupboard above half an hour ago.
Well said Tom Prog.—
Follow your Leader.