Terence's comedies: made English. With his life; and some remarks at the end. / By several hands.

The EUNUCH.

ACT I.

SCENE, The Street before Simo••s Door. TIME, The Forenoon.

Phedrie attended by Parmeno.

Phe.

entring.

WHAT's to be done now? Shan't I go to her?— What not now, when she sends for me so kind∣ly?— Or shall I resolve never to put up the Affronts of a Jilting Mistress?— She shut me out; now she invites me in— Go with a Pox?— No that I won't, tho she'd beg it on her Knees.

Angrily.

Par.

Troth Sir, if you cou'd hold out at this rate, 'twou'd be the best and bravest thing you ever did: but if ye begin upo'th•• Huff, and your Heart not serve ye to go through with it; if you faint i'th' Enterprize, and go before you're sent for, or so much as reconcil'd, and sneakingly tell her, You're so entirely devoted to her, as not to live an hour without her, your business is done to all Intents and Pur∣poses. She'll ride you to death when she has you at mercy.— Wherefore I'd ha' you be twice ad∣vis'd

before it be too late. For alas Sir, what will reason or moderation signifie in a Case that will bear neither: For Love you know is strange∣ly whimsical, containing Affronts, Jealousies, Jars, Parlies, Wars, then Peace again. Now for you to ask Advice to love by, is all one as if you ask ad∣vice to run mad by.— As for your present Re∣solutions while your Blood is up, What go to her? When a Rival's preferr••d? My self refus'd? Even En∣trance deny'd me? Ne're perswade me to••t; I'll die first. I'll make her know I'm none of her Cully. Why ••n good faith Sir, one pitiful hypocritical Drop of a Tear, which this Creature can hardly for her Soul squeeze out of her Eyes with all her scrubbing, will confound all this bluster, bring you to your whining Peccavi, and make you submit to ••er Ladyships's mercy.

Phe.

Oh horrid shame!— Now I see she's a ••ursed Jilt, and I••a miserable Fool; I'm sick on't, ••et I die with Love; then I perish with my Know∣••••dge and Senses about me, both living and look∣••ng on. And I know not what to do.

Par.

What shou'd you do Sir, but free your ••••lf from her as cheap as you can? If you can't ••••aw the Stake fairly, make the best of a bad ••••me, and never stand vexing your self for the ••••tter.

Phe.

D'ye think that's the best way?

Par.

Ay Sir, if you know the best way.— Add no more Troubles to those that Love has ••rought on••ye; but bear what's already befaln •••• like a Man.—

Enter Thais at some distance.

Oh yonder comes the Cater-pillar that spoils all our ••aivest, and leaves us to starve.

Aside.

Thais

to her self.

Unhappy woman! I am very much afraid that Phedrie should take it worse, or

otherwise than I intended, that I did not let him in yesterday.

Phe.

Ah Parmeno! I'm all over in a cold sweat at the very sight of her.

Par.

Brisk up Sir! To her I say, she carries Fire enough to warm ye with a vengeance

Tha.

over-hearing.

How now Phedrie! What are you here? And waiting at the Door too? why didn't ye come in without any more ado?

Par.

The De••el a word's here of shutting the Door upon us.

Aside.

Tha.

What Speechless my Dear?

Phe.

Well askt Madam! for these Doors were always wide open to me, and I the highest in your Ladyship's Favours.

Scornfully.

Tha.

Let these things pass my Dear.

Clapping him on the Cheek with her Fan.

Ph.

angrily.

How! Pass!—

more mildly.

Ah Thais, Thais, wou'd that you and I did but love equally, and went an even pace: that what you've done might trouble you as much as me: or that I might concern my self as little at it, as you do.

Tha.

interrupting.

Prithee don't fret thy self my pretty Phedrie, for by this light twasn't because I lov'd or car'd for any body more than thy dear self, but as the case stood ••twas a thing not to be a∣voided.

Par.

Likely enough: that's usual.— She poor Soul shut him out of doors out of stark Love and Kindness.

Jeeringly.

Tha.

to Par.

Say ye so Parmeno?— Well, well, go on:—

to Phe.

but prithee my Dear, hear but why I sent for ye.

Phe.

We'll hear ye for once.

Tha.

First let me know, whether this Man here can keep Counsel.

Par.

Meaning me Madam?— The rarest Fellow

i th' world at it; but we must enter into Articles about keeping your Secrets; if the Story be true, I am as mute as a Fish; but if it be a falsity, a Foppery, or a Flam, 'twill out in an instant, I'm full of holes, and run like a Seive. Therefore pray Madam, not a word of a Lye as you hope for Secrecy.

Tha.

My Mother was born at Samo, but liv'd at Rhodes.

Par.

Mum, mum for that.

Aside.

Tha.

There it was that a certain Merchant pre∣sented her with a fine young Girl Kidnapp'd from Attica.

Phe.

Was she a Gentlewoman?

Tha.

I suppose so: We cou'dn't tell for a certain. She told us her Parents Names; as for her Coun∣try, and other Tokens she forgot, nor cou'd it be otherwise expected because of her Age. The Mer∣chant added withal, that he understood by the Pyrates (of whom he bought her) that she was stoln from Sunio hard by Athens— No sooner did my Mother take charge on her, but she gave her the best Education she cou'd, and bred her up like her own Child: So that we were generally ta∣ken for Sisters. In company with that Stranger (the only person I was then engag'd withal) did I come hither, who left me all I have at present.

Par.

interrupting.

A couple of Rappers.— Gush.

Tha.

Why so?

Par.

Because forsooth one Dish to be sure wou'd never satisfie you, neither was he your sole Bene∣factor; for this Gentleman's Pocket has smoaked to some Tune for most of your Bravery.

Tha.

Be it so: But can't you let me go on with my Stor?—

to Phe.

whilst things stood thus: the Captain, who began to take some liking to me marched into Caria, mean time I got acquainted

with thee my dear Rogue. And thou knowest how dearly I have lov'd thee e're since, even to the trusting thee with the greatest of my Secrets.—

Phe.

Parmeno will let go again.

Par.

You may swear it, Sir.

Tha.

For Loves sake, dear Hearts! hear me out— Not long after my Mother died at Rhodes; now my Uncle, you must know, was a little given to the World, and perceiving the Girl was very likely, and had a good hand at the Lute, hoped to make Money of her, and forthwith exposed her to Sale, and made his Markets on her. As good Luck wou'd have it, my Friend the Captain being there, buys her for a Present for me, being perfectly igno∣rant of this whole Affair. He's just come to Town, and perceiving what's between you and I, he invents many Excuses and Flams to put off his parting with her as long as he can: But says, cou'd he but perswade himself I lov'd him better than you, and were he not miserably afraid that when I once got her I shou'd turn him off, he'd part with her presently. This he's still afraid of, but as far as I can perceive he has a hankering after her himself.

Phe.

And is it got no farther than hankering?

Tha.

No, for I ve made strict enquiry— Now my dear Phedrie, I've a thousand Reasons why I'd wheadle him out of her. First, because she goes for my Sister; and then to restore her to her Friends; for I'm a lonesome Woman here, no body with me, neither Friend nor Kinsman; therefore I hope by this good Office to make my self Friends; therefore if you love me help me out in the Management of this business: Let this Swaggerer be Master of Mis-rule for two or three days— What no Answer.

Fawningly.

Phe.

Thou basest of thy Sex!— What shall

I answer thee, who dealest so ungratefully by me?

Walks about in a Passion.

Par.

O rare Master o' mine! Gramercy say I: He's touch'd now— E'dad thou'rt a Man every Inch of thee.

Aside.

Phe.

As if I didn't know what you wou'd be at.—

in another tone mocking her

A young Girl was Kidnapp'd hence,— my Mother bred her up like her own,— she went for my Sister— Id fain wheadle him out of her— and restore her to her Friends— All this stuff is to shift me off, and to take in your Captain forsooth; But why I pray? Only because he's more in your Ladyship's Favour than I am? and you're plaguily afraid this Girl will put your Nose out of joynt, and take your Iusty Stallion from you.

Scornfully.

Tha.

Who I afraid on't?

Phe.

Ay you: Why shou'd you be so concerned else? Is he the only Person that has made you Pre∣sents? Did ye ever find me close fisted? T'other day you asked for a Black, didn't I go Post haste and get you one? And then you'd have your Eunuch forsooth, purely, because your La∣dies of Quality have 'em, this I got too: I'm sure yesterday I paid down o'th' nail no less than fifty Guineas for 'em both. Tho I'm slighted by ye, yet you see I didn't forget ye; and my Good na∣ture's finely rewarded.

Tha.

How's this my Phedrie! No, tho' I shou'd be very glad to have this Girl, and I believe I might this way as easily as may be; yet rather than disoblige thee, I ll do what thou wou'd'st have me

Fawningly.

Phe.

Oh that that word came from your Heart now rather than disoblige thee. Cou'd I but believe that was spoken sincerely, I cou'd then bear any thing.

Par.

He staggers: one damned wheadle has don't in a trice.

Aside.

Tha.

Ah dear! Don't I then speak from my Heart? When did I ever deny you a Request, tho 'twere made but in a jest? And yet I can't for my Soul obtain the Favour of your absence but for two days.

Weeping.

Phe.

Ay if it were but two days— But what if that two shou'd prove twenty?

Tha.

Indeed Sir, It shall be no more than two or—

Phe.

interrupting.

Or what? No more on't.

Tha.

It shall be no longer indeed. Let me pre∣vail with thee for once.

Phe.

Well for once you shall have your Mind.

Coldly.

Tha.

Now I love thee most wonderfully, thou hast so obliged me.

Phe.

Well I ll into the Country, and there pine away for these two days.— That's my Resolution since my cruel Dear must have her Humour.— But Parmeno, do you take care to deliver the Eu∣nuch, and Black in my absence.

Parm.

I will Sir.

Phe.

God b'uy my dearest Thais, for two long days.

Tha.

God b'uy to thee my sweet Creature. Ha' you any other Commands?

Phe.

What can I desire further; but that tho the Captain has your Company, yet your Heart may be at another place: Let me both night and day be the Entertainment of your Love, your Wishes, your Dreams, your Expectations, your Thoughts, your Hopes, your Pleasure, your All. In fine, let your Heart be as much mine, as mine is yours

Exeunt Phedrie and Parmeno.

Thais

alone.

Tha.

Dear Heart! I'm afraid Predrie believes not one word of what I have said, but takes me for one of your Jilting Creatures of the Town. But I that know my own Heart best, am sure, I've devis'd no Flams; nor is there any Soul I love so fondly and tenderly as this Gentleman. And what∣soever I have done i'th' case was purely for the sake of the poor Girl, whose Brother, a person of some Repute, I hope I've in a manner found out. To day he appointed to give me a visit, I ll step in and wait his coming.

Exit.

End of the First Act.

ACT II.

Phedrie attended by Parmeno.

Phe.

DO as I order'd ye, Let the Presents be car∣ry'd.

Par.

So they shall Sir.

Phe.

But with care then.

Par.

It shall be done, Sir.

Phe.

But with speed too. Par. It shall so.

Phe.

Have I ••••'d ye enough on't.

Par.

All! Thats a Question indeed?

Angrily.

As tho' 'twas so hard a piece of business.— For my part Sir, I wish with all my Soul that you were as sure of winning a Thousand pounds as ye are of losing these Presents.

Phe.

Prithee don't trouble your Head about those things, for if I lose them I lose my self too, which is far the greater loss.

Par.

It shan't trouble me, but I ll do your Bu∣siness effectually.— Have you any further Com∣mands for me?

Phe.

Be sure you set off the Presents with all the Commendations you can; and give my Rival all the Interruption imaginable.

Par.

Pshaw! I'd ha' done that without your bidding.

Phe.

Well I ll into the Country; and there tar∣ry.

Offers to go.

Par.

I fancy so.

Jerringly.

Phe.

returning.

But hark ye Parmens.

Par.

What's your pleasure, Sir?

Phe.

Dost really think I can have so much pow∣er o're my self as to hold out my whose time?

Par.

Who you Sir? No Faith: For either you'll come back again presently, or else your want of sleep will send ye hither at Midnight with a Why∣not?

Phe.

I'll tire my self as much as I can, that I may sleep whether I will or no.

Par.

Twon't do Sir, tire your self as much as ye please, you'll be ne're the nearer

Phe.

All this signifies nothing Parmeno.— I must break the neck of this est••minate Humour; I indulge my self too much; in short, d'ye think I can't live without her three whole days if occa∣sion serve?

Par.

How Sir! What three live long days? For shame Sir!

Jeeringly.

Phe.

Nay I'm sully resolved upon't however.

Exit Phedrie.

Parmeno

alone.

Heavens! What a plaguy thing's this! that Love should alter men so strangely, as you can't know 'em for the same? There was ne∣ver a Gentleman in Town had a better Head-piece a graver Carriage, and less given to the Flesh than this master of mine.—

Enter Gnatho leading Pamphila, attended by her Waiting Maid at a distance from Parmeno.

But who comes yonder i'th' Name of Goodness? Ha, ha, 'tis that wheadling Rascal Gnatho, a hang∣er on o' th' Captains. He has got the young Gen∣tlewoman by the Fist, as a Present to his Lady.— Bless me what a smug-faced little Rogue it is. No wonder if I make but a scurvy Figure to day with my old rotten Eunuch.— Why this Creature cuts out Thais her self.

Walks about the Door.

Gnatho,

to himself.

Bless me! to see the diffe∣rence between one man and another, betwixt a Fool and a Philosopher! The thing I say it for is this: As I was coming along to day I stumbled up∣on one of my own Rank and Quality; an honest Fellow I ll warrant him, who had made a shift to guzzel away an Estate as I had done before him. I seeing such a rough, nasty, meager Fellow, rigg'd out with Rags and Rheumatisms. Whats the meaning of this fine Dress? quoth I, Alas! (said he) I had an Estate once, but play'd the Fool and coudnt keep it, and you see what Im brought to: All my Friends and Acquaintance fly me as they wou'd the Plague— Here I began to look down upon him with scorn: Why you whorson Blockhead, said I, is it come to that then, that you hadnt left your self an Aftergame? Have ye lost your Brains and your Money together? Why do but look on me, who was once in the same Case with your self? How fresh and sparkish, how Genteel I go, and how strong and lusty I am? I have the Indies at Command, tho Lands I have none; and tho I have scarce a Groat in the world, yet I want for nothing.

In another Tone

But (says he) Im of such an unluckly Constitution that neither buffooning nor beating will agree with me. How's that, said I, d'ye think that's the way? No you're plaguily wide o' th' Mark. In the days of Yore

this might have done well enough: but we are now in another Method, and perhaps I was the Inventer of it too— There's a sort of people in the World who ••et up for Wits of the first Rate, and yet have no more Brains than Maggots: Now these are the Men for my turn: but then I am not their Merry-Andrew to make them sport, but very readily make sport at them, tho at the same time I praise their parts to the Skies. If they say any thing, I cry it up too. If they unsay it, I commend 'em for that too: What they deny, I deny: What they affirm, I affirm: In fine, Ive brought my self to be just of their Mind in every thing: and by this means, I get many a sweet Bit, and a sweet Penny.

Par.

A very pretty Fellow upo' my word! Give him a Fool and he'll make him a Mad-man. Aside.

Gna.

Whilst this Chat lasted we got to the Mar∣ket-place, where I was joyfully met by a Troop of Confectioners, Fishmongers, Butchers, Cooks, Pastry∣men, Fishermen, and Poulterers; all of my old Cronies whom I had been a good Customer to be∣fore, and since I had spent my Estate, and am so still: They Complimented me with Hat in Hand, invited me to Supper, and were very glad to see my Worship: when my poor hunger-starvd Comrade saw I was so highly in their Books, and live so bravely at ease, he begg'd o' me for Hea∣ven's sake to teach him a little of my Art. I bid him follow me, and be my Pupil; and as the Sects of Philosophers borrowed their Names from their Masters, so all that have learn'd the Art of Wheadling should from me be calld Gnathonicks.

Par.

To see the virtue now of living at ease, and being fed at another Man's Table

Aside.

Gna.

But hold Im plaguy backward in handing this present to Mrs. Thais, and to invite her to the Treat—

advances towards the Door and sees Par∣meno

yonder's Parmeno our Rival's Servant all

i'th' dumps before the door: Our Business goes swimmingly on; these Sparks will have but a cold Suit on't— I'm resciv'd to have a little sport with this poor Rogue.

Par.

I warrant they think this Gift will make the Lady theirs for ever.

Aside.

Gna.

My nown dear Friend! Gnath••'s thy very humble Servant. Well what are ye upon now?

Jeeringly.

Par.

Upon my Legs.

Surlily.

Gna.

I I see that.— But don't ye see something here that offends your Eye-sight.

pointing to Pam.

Par.

Yes you.

Surlily.

Gna.

That I believe too.— But is there no∣thing else?

Par.

Why what should there be?

Gna.

Because, my Friend, you seem to be a lit∣tle out of Humour.

Par.

Not in the least.

Gna.

Nay I wou'dn't have ye do so.— But what think ye of this Present? Hah!

Par.

Why she's tolerable.

Gna.

I've gall'd him I see.

Softly.

Par.

over-hearing.

How plaguily he's mistaken now?

Aside.

Gna.

Won't Madam Thais be mightily taken with this Present think ye?

Par.

As much as to say our Nose is out of joint: But hark ••e Friend, every Dog has his day; there is a time for all things.

Gna.

Now, Parmeno will I give thee a Holy-day for this half Year; and save thee the trouble of trotting up and down, and sitting up till four or five in the morning. Don't I do ye a prodigious piece of Service? Par Who me? Ay a damnable one.

Gna.

Thus I always oblige Friends.

Par.

You do well.

Gna.

But perhaps I detain ye Sir; your business possibly calls ye elsewhere?

Par.

No I'm at my Journey's end.

Gna.

Pray Sir, do me the favour then to intro∣duce me to the Lady.

Par.

Very good! This present will be your Pas∣port now.

Gna.

Will ye be pleas'd to have any one sent out to ye?

Exit Gnatho, Pamphilia, and Waiting Maid

Par.

alone.

Let but two days be over, and I'll take care that you may knock till your Heart akes without admittance, tho' now you are so happy as to have the Doors flye open at a touch of your lit∣tle Finger.

Re-enter Gnatho.

Gna.

What here still my nown Friend? D'ye keep guard here that not an Embassy by a Civil Messenger can pass privately between the Captain and the Lady?

Exit Gnatho.

Par.

alone.

Very wittily spoken! These won∣derful fine things must needs please the Captain?

seeing Cherea.

But hold, I see my Master's young∣er Son making this way.— I wonder what makes him from his post at Pireo, when he's upon Duty there.— There's somewhat more than or∣dinary in the wind;— And he's in great haste too— I can't guess what makes him throw his Eyes about thus.

Enter Cherea at a distance from Parmeno, out of Breath, and looking about him.

Che.

to himself.

I'm undone! The pretty Crea∣ture's lost— And so am I— who have unlucki∣ly mist on her. Where shall I look for her? where shall I trace her? whom shall I ask for her? what blind Alley shall I range in?— I'm in a strange Quandary.— I've this comfort left, that she can't be long incognito where'ere she be.— The most charming Look! From this Moment, I've done with the whole Sex be••ides. Your Every-day Las••es and Faces will ne're down again.

Par.

Heyday! Here's another in the whining and languishing Vein, or I'm beside the Cushion— The old Gentleman their Father's finely blest? If this Spark once begins the Sport, he'll be so mad upon't, that Mr. Phedrie will be a Child to him.

Aside.

Che.

Wou'd the De'el had this old Mumsimus for stopping my Journey: And me too for staying, when I should have taken no notice of him.— Ho! here's Parmeno! Well met old Friend.

Par.

Why so concern'd, and yet so Gay? And whether a going?

Che.

Who I? Troth I can't tell whence I came, nor where I'm going, I've lost my Senses.

Par.

How so I beseech ye?

Che.

I'm in Love man.

Par.

Heyday.

Che.

Now old Boy, shew what a Man your are: thou knowest how often thou hast promised me: Master Cherea, do but find out one you ve a mind to, and I'll shew what a Talent I have at Intriguing: You remember twas when I use to get you many a good bit out of my Fathers Pantry, and no body e're the wiser, ye Rogue.

Par.

Pshaw no more of that.

Che.

Why, Faith ••twas e'en so: Therefore pri∣thee now be as good as thy word, at least if you think it worth beating your Brains about.— This pretty Creature isn't at all like our Town Ladies, whose Mothers saddle their backs, and strait-lace their Wasts to make em well shap••d. If any chance to grow a little plumper than the rest, they presently cry, She's an Hostess; and then her Allowance must be shortned, and tho she be nat••••aly fat and lusty, yet by her dieting she's made as slender as a B••••omstick: By this means one Woodcock or another is caught in their Springe.

Par.

And how's yours I beseech ye?

Che.

Such a Beauty, the World never saw.

Par.

Hey-day!

Che.

Her Complexion true and natural; Her Body sound and strong, and as plump as a Par∣tridge.

Par.

How old think ye? Che. About Sixteen.

Par.

In the very prime I faith.

Che.

Now, do you but help me to this sweet Crea∣ture, either by force, fraud, or wheadle, I don't care which way, so I do but enjoy her.

Par.

But what is this sweet Creature?

Che.

Faith I know not.

Par.

Whence came she?

Che.

I can't tell.

Par.

Where does she live?

Che.

Nor that neither.

Par.

Where did you see her••

Che.

In the Street here.

Par.

How came you to lose her?

Che.

That's it I was cursing at, when I met you Nor do I think there's that Man living, whose good Fortune had left him thus in the lurch. What a Misfortune was here!— I'm a very Wretch.

Par.

What's done to ye Sir?

Che.

De••s ask? Don't ye know old Archidemi∣des, my Father's Kinsman and Companion?

Par.

Yes, very well.

Che.

This Fellow met me full butt, as I was hot upo' th' Scent after this pretty Creature.

Par.

Faith 'twas a little unseasonable.

Che.

Rather devilish unfortunare: for lighte•• Matters may be call'd unseasonable For I can safe∣l•• swear, I hadn't seen him this half Year till now, when I neither desir'd nor wanted his Company. V••asn't this a damn'd Accident? Hah! what say you?

Par.

As you say, Sir, 'twas a damn'd Acci∣dent.

Che.

He comes hobbling after me as far as he could see me, with his Chin and his Knees toge∣ther; his Joynts shaking in his Hide; hanging his Jib like an old Horse, and groaning like a rotten Sheep; He bawls out, Soho, Cherea, Soho! 'tis you I wou'd speak with.— With that I made a halt. De'e know, says he, what's my Business with ye? No, pray tell me Sir. Oh, said he, my Cause comes on to morrow. And what then, said I? Why be sure (quoth he) to tell your Father, that he must not fail to be at th'Court. I think he was a whole hour by the Clock in telling this. I ask'd him if he had any further Business, he said None at all. Away march I: And looking for this young Creature, I found she had taken down this Street.

Par.

My Life on't, if this ben't the same that was presented to Thais.

Aside.

Che.

As soon as I was got hither she was vanish'd.

Par.

Had she any Attendance with her?

Che.

Yes a Man and a Waiting-maid.

Par.

Aside.

The very same i'faith.— Set your Heart at rest, Sir, your business is done.

Che.

Sure thy Wits are a Wool-gathering.

Par.

No, I know what I say.

Che.

Why, can'st tell who she is?— Prithee ••ell me.— Did ye see her?

Hastily.

Par.

I did see her, I know her too, (more than that) I can tell where she's gone too.

Che.

Ah dear Rogue! Dost know her indeed?

Par.

Yes, Sir.

Che.

And can••st tell where she's gone too?

Par.

She was brought hither as as a Present to ••••a••s.

Che.

Is any Man living able to be at the Charge •••• such a Present?

Par.

Yes, Captain Thraso, your Brother's Ri∣••••••.

Che.

For ought I see my Brother will be put to his last Trumps then.

Par.

Ay Faith! so you'd swear indeed, if you knew what a precious Present he has provided to match this withal.

Che.

What's that prithee.

Par.

An Eunuch.

Che.

What that Tool of a Man that he bought yesterday? That haggish Fellow?

Par.

That's he Sir.

Che.

Certainly he and his present will be kick'd to the Devil.— But I ne're knew before that this Thais was our Neighbour.

Par.

Why she's lately removd hither.

Che.

Unlucky Whelp that I am! That I shou'd ne're see her.— But prithee tell me is she such a Beauty as they talk of? Par. Every Jot.

Che.

But short of our's my Life on't.

Par.

Quite another thing.

Che.

Prithee honest Boy, do but thy best to bring us both together.

Par.

You shall have my good will in't. I'll do what I can to help ye: What wou'd he have more;

Going est

Che.

Whither away now?

Par.

Why home to hand the Presents hither ac∣cording to your Brothers Orders.

Che.

Oh the Luck of this same roguy Eunuch, to go into this House upon such an Errand!

Par.

Why so Sir?

Che.

De••e ask that? Why he'll always be blest with the sight of his beautiful Companion; they li talk together, live together, and now and then perhaps lie together.

Par.

What wou'd you say now, if you were that blessed Creature?

Che.

Which way? Speak dear Rogue.

Hastily.

Par.

Suppose you take his Cloaths,—

Che.

His Cloaths? And how then?

Par.

And be carry'd thither instead of him,—

Che.

On, on Boy.

Par.

And give out that you are he.

Che.

I small your design.

Par.

And there you may enjoy all those rare Blessings you fancied but just now for another. You may eat and drink with her, sit by her, touch, ••••y with her, and— lye by her. For not a Crea∣t••re in that House can tell what you are, or whence you came. And besides, your Age and those Smooth chops of yours will make you pass ••••r a Compleat Eunuch.

Che.

Spoken like an Angel! and advis'd like an Oracle!— ••hugs Parmeno, and is carrying him off.] Come away Boy, let's in and about it, equip me to ••••ghts now, immediately away with m••, and bring me to her as fast as you can for your Life.

Par.

struggling.

Hold Sir!— what d'ye mean? I did but jest.

Che.

'Pshaw! That's Nonsence.

Par.

I'm ruin••d! How like a Fool have I done! where d'ye thrust me Sir?— Faith you had almost ••usht me on my Nose— 'Tis you I speak to Sir. Pray stay.

Che.

But I say let's go.

Par.

Are ye resolv'd upon't then?

Che.

Absolutely.

Par.

Have a ca••e you don't make more haste 〈◊〉〈◊〉 good speed.

Che.

No, no, let me alone for that.

Par.

A•• but my Bones will smart for't. Oh! 〈◊〉〈◊〉 horrible Villany!

Che.

A Villany d'ye call it for a Man to go into a ••••dy-House; and a pay a Company of silts in their ••n Coyn? why if they make a Trade to abuse,

torment and trepan innocent young Men, is it not Justice and Equity to plague and chouse them a∣gain?— Shan't I rather play Tricks with them, than with my Father? This I shou'd be blam'd f••r; as for t'other, 'twould be said, I serv'd them in their own kind.

Par.

How's this! Well! if ye be fully bent 〈◊〉〈◊〉 on't, e'en take your own course; but then 〈◊〉〈◊〉 lay the blame at m•• door afterwards.

Che.

I won't then.

Par.

And is it your will to have it so?

Che.

Tis my will to have it so, and it must 〈◊〉〈◊〉 so, and it shall be so; and what I have said I w•••• stand by.

Par.

Nay then follow me.

Che.

Venus and Cupid favour the Design.

Exeunt 〈◊〉〈◊〉

The end of the Second Act.

ACT III.

Thraso and G••atho.

Thr.

WELL, but was she so very thankf••l then?

Gna.

O yes Sir, most hugely.

Thr.

And glad at Heart say ye?

Gna.

O yes, but not so much for the Gift as the Giver: and for that let me tell ye she's plaguil••. proud on't.

Enter Parmeno at a distance.

Par.

to himself.

I'm come to watch a fair Op∣portunity to bring my Presents in too.— But hold! Here's Captain Bellswagger. Retires to one side.

Thr.

Really I have the luck on't; every

thing that I do is most wonderfully taking.

Gna.

I have observ'd as much.

Thr.

The King of Persia, whenever I did him a kindness, was always very sensible of it: He wasn't so to every body.

Gna.

A smart Tongue so well hung as yours, makes all that Glory his own, which others so long have toil'd for.

Thr.

Right Boy!

Gna.

The King has you in his Eye then?

Thr.

Right again.

Gna.

And loves to have you there.

Thr.

No doubt on't.— Nay more he trusted his whole Army to my Conduct, and follows my Ad∣vice in every thing.

Gna.

Prodigious!

Thr.

Then if he chanc'd to be weary of Com∣p••ny or Business, and had a Mind to take a little ease— as the— you know what I mean.

Gna.

Yes, Sir, As tho' when he had a mind to clear his Stomach, as a body may so say, of all Concerns,—

Thr.

Right, then would he take me to him Hand to First.

Gna.

Ay marry Sir! this is a King indeed.

Thr.

Oh! He's a man of a Thousand.—

Gna.

Yes, one of a million— if he chuse you for his Companion.

Aside.

Thr.

All the Officers envy'd me, and grumbl'd at me behind my back: I didn't value it a Straw; they envy'd me damnably. But above all, one who had the Charge of the Indian Elephants. This Fellow being more troublesome than the rest, Pri∣thee Strato, said I, why so plaguy Big? Is it because you are Lord o're a parcel of Beasts?

Gna.

Neatly said, i'faith, and shrewdly.— Bless me! You overthrew Man and Beast— What said he, Sir?

Thr.

Not a word.

Gna.

Nay I don't know how he should.

Par.

Bless me! This Captain's the blindest Coxcomb, and the other the vilest Rascal I ever saw.

Aside.

Thr.

What think ye Gnatho? Did I ever tell ye how sharp I was upon the young Rhodian Spark at a Feast?

Gna.

Never, Sir, let's hear it, I pray,— He has told it me a thousand times.

Aside.

Thr.

This Rhodian Spark I told ye of, was with me at a Feast, where by chance I had a small Girl; this Strippling began to be sweet upon her, an•• waggish upon me too. How now you impudent Saucebox, (said I) you're Man's meat your self, and yet have a mind to a Tit-bit.

Gna.

Ha, ha, he.

Thr.

What's the matter? Hah!

Gna.

Very fine, sharp and delicate; that could not be mended.— But pray, Sir, was this a••l your own? I took it for an old one.

Thr.

Why did you ever hear't before?

Gna.

Yes, Sir, very often: And it takes extream∣ly.—

Thr.

I'll affure you, 'twas all my own.

Gna.

I am sorry you were so sharp upon the foolish young Gentleman.

Par.

Ah the De'el take thee for a Rascal.

Aside.

Gna.

Pray, Sir, what did he say then?

Thr.

He was quite dash'd out of Countenance; And the whole Company was ready to die with Laughing. After that every body was plaguy wa∣ry of meddling with me.

Gna.

And well they might.

Thr.

— But hark ye, Gnatho, had I best clear my self to Thais from the jealousie she has of my being in love with Pamphila.

Gna.

Let that be the least of your Thoughts; but rather give her more cause to be jealous.

Thr.

Why so?

Gna.

That's a Question: Don't ye apprehend me Sir? Should she but speak a word of Phedrie, or offer to commend him on purpose to plague you.—

Thr.

That.

Gna.

Your only way to prevent that, is, when∣ever she names Phedrie, be sure you hit her in the Teeth with Pamphila; if she cries, let's have Phe∣drie to be merry with us, do you answer, And Pam∣phila to give us a Song: If she praise his shape, ex∣tol her Face: And be sure give her a Rowland for her Oliver, and that wil vex her to the Heart—

Thr.

Ay, if she loved me, this might do, Gnatho.

Gna.

As long as she desires and loves your Pre∣sents, you may lay your Life she loves you. So 〈◊〉〈◊〉 you may venture to teaze her; she'll always 〈◊〉〈◊〉 lest any angry word should turn the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 of your Bounty another way.

Thr.

Thou say'st right.— Why I never so much as dream'd of this before.

Gna.

A good Jest i'faith: Sure you didn't give your Mind to't; for had you set your Wits about it, your Contrivance wou'd ha' been worth fifty of mine

To them enter Thais attended by Pythia.

Tha.

I fancy'd I heard the Captain's Tongue just now.— Oh, here he as— My dear Heroe, wel∣com.

Hugs him.

Thr.

Oh, my sweet Thais, my dear Honey, how, is't.— Don't ye love me now, for giving you this pretty Wench?

Par.

Admirable i'faith! how nobly he opens the Campagne.

Aside.

Tha.

Oh, Sir, I'm eternally obliged to you for't.

Gna.

Let's in to Supper I say: why this dallying?

Par.

Here's another too! Faith one wou'd swear he is the Captain's Bastard, they're so like one ••nother.

Aside.

Thr.

to Gnatho.

As soon as you will, for I am ready.

Par.

advancing nigher.

I'll to her, and make as tho I just came from home.— Are you going a broad Madam.

Aside to Thais

Tha.

to him.

Oh Parmeno, troth you are co•••• very lucky, I was just a going out.

••ar.

Whither Madam?

Tha.

Why don't ye see this Gentleman here.

Aside to him

Par.

I do see him, with a pox, to my sorrow.— When you please Madam, my Master's Presents a•••• at your Service.

Aloud

Thr.

What do we••stay for? why don't we •••••• on?

Par.

to Thraso.

May it please your Honour, by your leave; first let me make my Presents as I was ordered, and go and have a little harmless Chat with the Lady.

Thr.

Special Presents! I'll warrant ye not to •••• nam'd the same day with mine.

Jeerin••.

Par.

The Trial's all—

Goes towards Lach∣House

So-ho! within there! send out the pe••son, I ordered—

Enter the Blackamoor.

Here advan•••••• forward— Here's a Lass come from as far as Prester John's Country.

Thr.

I can have as good for Seven or Eight Guineas.

Gna.

Ay and a better too.

Par.

to them within

You, Sir, Doras where are ye? stand forth Boy.— Here's your Eunuch for ye then— see what a pert look he has got, and ••ast in the prime of his Age.

Enter Cherea dressed up like the Eunu••h.

Tha.

As I hope to be saved a very tight Fellow.

Par.

What say ye now Mr. Gnatho: D'ye spy a∣ny Faults here?— And you noble Captain?— what never a word?— That's Commendation enough of all Conscience.— Try him in the Schools, Field, Musick, or where you will, you ll find he has had the Education of a Gentleman.

Thr.

For a need that Eunuch wou'd down well enough, tho a man was sober.

Aside to Gnatho.

Par.

And yet Madam, the Gentleman that made these Presents, dosn't desire to be your only Fa∣vorite, nor that all others should be thrust out of doors for his sake: He dosn't tell your Romantick Stories of his Fights and Duels, nor yet boast of his Wounds and Scars; neither does he stand in your Light, as a certain person that shall be name∣less. But when it shall be no trouble to you Ma∣dam, when you please, and your Ladyship is at leisure,he thinks it favour enough to be then ad∣mitted.

Thr.

Tis Evident this Fellow has got some poor Grubstrect Merchant for his Master.

Gna.

Faith like enough; for he wou'dn't keep this Fellow so long, had he a Shilling in his Pocket to hire him a better.

Par.

Peace Dog.— Thou art not worthy to ••e kick'd— If you can stoop to flatter him,

pointing to the Captain

thus, you'd be content to do the most sordid thing in the world for a liveli∣hood.

Thr.

Shall we stay to hear this Fellow prate?

Angrily.

Tha.

I'll only just step in with these, and order my Maids what to do; and I'll be back again in an instant.

Exeunt Thais, Che. and the Black.

Thr.

I ll go before— B••t do you stay and wait upon my Mistress.

to Gnatho.

Par.

Fie! 'tis beneath a General to Squire his own Mistress.

Thr.

to Parmeno.

Why should I spend my Breath upon thee?— Like Master like Man.

Exit Parmeno.

Gna.

Ha, ha, he.—

Thr.

What d'ye laugh at?

Somewhat surlily.

Gna.

Why what you just now said: Besides you put me in mind of the Rhodian Spark, and I cou'dn't forbear— but here's Madam Tha•••• again.

Re-enter Thais, Pythia and Attendants.

Thr.

Run home and see that all the Rooms ••o ready.

Gna.

I'm gone Sir.

Exit Gnatho.

Tha.

to Pythia.

Be sure Pythia take care to do what I bid ye— if Mr. Chremes shou'd chance to come to day, desire him to stay a little; if he's in haste, beg him to come another time; if he can't do that, send him over to the Captains to me.

Pyt.

I will Madam.

Tha.

Hold— I had something else to say.— Let me see,— O I remember't— Be sure you make much of the young Gentlewoman. Do you keep home.

Exit Pythia

Thr.

Now let's march.

Tha.

Do you follow me.

to the Attendants. As they go off one way, enter Chremes alone another way.

Chr.

In troth the more I think and chew upon this business, the more I'm afraid that this Thais should play me some plaguy Dog-trick or other; I find my self damnably wheadl d by her. When she first sent for me,any man might have won∣dered what business I had there; Faith I cou'dn't tell my self: but when I came, she immediately casts about for Fetches and Excuses to make me

tarry. I have, (says she) just now been at my Devotion, therefore more fit to discourse of grave and serious Matters. At that my Heart misgave me plaguily. She drew a Chair and sat down by me, and fawning upon me, she began to pump for discourse. When she had nothing else to say, she'd fall a asking me, How long my Father and Mother had been dead? I told her, a pretty while since: Then, whether I had not a Seat at Sunio, and how far it stood off the Sea. Pox! I believe she liked the Situation her self, and had a mind to gull me out on't. And lastly, If I hadn't lost a young Sister thence? and who was with her then? What she had about her whenlost? Whether 'twas possible for one to know her again? And such like Stuff. I can't imagine why the De'el she ask'd all these Questions; without she designs to put her self upon me instead of this lost Sister; as it is the ••mpudence of these Jades. However if she is alive, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 is just Sixteen and no more: but this same Thais is somewhat older than my self— She has sent again to beg of me very earuestly to come.— ••ow let her tell her business plainl, or trouble me o more. I ll be hangd if she catch me here a third ••ime. So ho! within there! soho! knocks at the Door.

P••th.

within Who is there?

C••r.

Tis I, my Names Chreme••

Enter Pythia.

〈…〉〈…〉 prett•• little Squire is it you?

Chr.

So— I said as much, this wheadling bode•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 good

Aside.

Pyt.

M Lady humbly desires you to come again to morr••••.

Chr.

I'm to go into the Country.

Pyth.

For love's sake Sir, do.

Chr.

I tell you plainly I can't.

Pyt.

Why then, Sir, stay but a little till my La∣dy comes bac••.

Chr.

Faith I don't intend it.

Pyt.

Why not, dear Mr Chremcs.

Fawningly.

Chr.

Pox take ye for a dissembling Baggage.

P••th.

Well if you be resolved, I beseech ye Sir, to give your self the trouble of stepping over to her where she is.

Chr.

I dont care if I do that.

P••th.

to them within.

Doria!

Enter Doria.

Go quickly and shew this Gentleman over to the Captain's.

Exeunt severally.

Enter Antipho alone.

Ant.

Yesterday a Knot of good Fellows of us were got together at Pireo, where we clubb d to have a Feast to d••y. We chose Cherea for our Steward. The Forfeits were all laid down, and time and place agreed upon. The time's past, and at the place they know nothing on't; our Gentleman Steward has given us the ••••ip, and Faith I can't tell what to say, or think o' th' Business.— The rest of the Company have employed me to hunt about for him; I think I d as good call in at his Fa∣ther's—

discovering Cherea.

But who is yonder a coming out of Thais's House? is it he, or is it not he?— As I live 'tis he— He day! what a Toy of a man have we got here?— What means thi•• disguise?— what unaccountable freak is this? I am puzzled, and cant imagin for my Heart what's the matter? whatsoever it be I will know before I stir a foot.

Retires a little on one side.

Enter Cherea, looking cautionsly about.

Che.

to himself softly.

But is no body here now? Not a Mortal.— Does no body dog me?— Not so much as my Shadow.— Shall I now give vent to my swelling Joys?— Oh Heavens! what wou'd I give for some good Body to cut my Throat immediately, that in the height of this Joy I may end my Life without the least dash of mis∣fortune.— But

is there never a curious inquisi∣tive Fellow following me close upon the Heel, to deafen and murder me with Question upon Question at every turn? As, Why so transported? Why so wonderful merry? Whither away so fast? Whence came ye? Where got ye this Garb? What Frolick's this? Are ye in your Wits? or are ye stark mad?

Ant.

advancing nigher.

Faith, I'll e'en up to him, and do him that favour my self.— Cherea, what is't you chuckle at so? what means this fool's Coat? why so merry about the Mouth? Hey brave! what d'ye mean? D'ye pretend to be in your wits? what d'ye stare for?—

Here they stare upon one another

what never a word?

Che.

Huzzah! This is a day of Jubilee! well met old Soul! Gad take me, there's not a Man alive I'd have wish'd for so soon as thy dear self.

Ant.

Prithee tell me this mighty business.

Che.

And prithee dear Rogue prepare thy self to receive it then.— I suppose you know my Bro∣ther's Mistress.

Ant.

Yes, you mean Thais I suppose.

Che.

The very same

Ant.

I thought I knew her.

Che.

This day a pretty young Female was presented to her. But why should I stand prating, and commending her charming Face to thee my Friend, when thou knowest so well what a Cri∣tick I am in Beauties?— In short she fired my Blood.

Ant.

Say you so?

Che.

Ay Boy, had you but seen her, I'm sure you'd say she was the Miracle of her Sex. But to leave impertinencies, I was presently in up to the Ears; And as good luck would have it, we had an Eunuch at home, which my Brother bought

for his Mistress, but wasn't yet delivered to her. Our Man Parmeno gave me an Item of a Design, which I immediately put in Execution.

Ant.

And what was that?

Che.

Be patient and you'll hear't the sooner. It was to change Cloaths with the Eunuch, and for me to be presented instead of him.

Ant.

What for the Eunuch?

Che.

Ev'n so old Boy.

Ant.

Prithee what advantage could you propose to your self by that?

Che.

That's worth the asking indeed, why to see her, discourse with her, and be alone with the pretty Creature I loved (ye Rogue.) And d'ye make nothing of this now?— In short presented I was to Thais, who as soon as she received me, ve∣ry joyfully brought me home; and committed the Beautiful Creature to my charge.

Ant.

To whose Charge? to thine?

Che.

Yes, to mine.

Ant.

Marry, she was in safe Hands!

Che.

She ordered that not a Man should com•• nigh her but my self, and charg'd me not to stir a step from her; and that She and I should be alone together in the Parlour. I look'd as if Butter would not melt in my Mouth, and cry'd, Yes Madam.

Ant.

The Lord help thee.

Che.

She told me she was going out to Supper; And with that drew all her Train after her, ex∣cept a few raw new comers to attend the fair Stranger. Those prepared a Bath for my Angel: I urg'd 'em to hasten't as much as they cou'd. Whilst they were about it, this sweet Creature was sitting in a Withdrawing Room, casting her Eyes upon a fair Piece, which was the picture of Jupiter, who (as the story goes) came down into Danae's Lap

in a Shower of Gold. I made bold to dart a Look that way too, and finding how like the Intrigue was to mine, I cou'dn't but be••ten times the more tickled at the Conceit on't. That a very God should transform himself into a Mortal, and pri∣vately steal through the Tyles of another Man's House, and so drop like a Shower into his Mi∣stresses Arms. But what God, thought I, was this? Why no less a God than the Thunderer him∣self, who shakes the Battlements of Heaven. And should Flesh and Blood refuse to follow his Exam∣ple? I'll do't, and with all my Soul too. While these thoughts were working in my Head, they call'd her away to the Bath, she goes, she washes, she comes back: And then they put her to Bed, I stood waiting for the word of Command. At last comes one to me, Prithee do you Dorus take this Fan, and cool the young Gentlewoman thus, the time we are Bathing. When we have done, you may bath if you've a mind to't.

Ant.

I'd a given the whole almost t'have seen that impudent Face of thine at that time; how you carried your self; and how like a great Booby you managed the Fan.

Che.

The words were scarce out of her Mouth, but the•• all rush'd out of the Room to the Bath, and set up a Gaggle, as Servants do when their Master's Back's turn'd. Mean time my dear Lady falls into a sweet sleep; with that I cunningly casts a Sheep's E••e askiew through the Fan,

shewing him how he look'd

and took a side∣long Glance round the Room to see that the Coast was clear.— I finding all right, made fast the Door.

Ant.

What then brave Boy?

Che.

How? what then? Simpleton!

Ant.

A Simpleton indeed!

Che.

Should I have neglected such a short,

wished for, and unexpected Opportunity, when it dropt into my very Mouth. I must ha' been a very Eunuch indeed then.

Ant.

Faith Boy, thou'rt in the right.— But in the mean time what's become of our Treat?

Che.

Tis just ready.

Ant.

Troth, thou 'rt a brave Fellow. But where is't? At your House.

Che.

No; at old Harry Platters.

Ant.

That's plaguy way off.

Che.

We must go the faster then, that's all.

Ant.

But won't you change your Cloaths.

Che.

How can I? Pox on't! I'm quite banish'd home, for fear my Brother should see me, and what's worse, lest my old Father should become out of the Country.

Ant.

Why then e'en let's go to our House; that's the nighest place I can think of, to shift your self.

Che.

That's right; let's away then and lay our Heads together, how my Dear may be for ever mine.

Ant.

A Match then.

The end of the Third Act.

ACT IV.

Doria

alone, with a Casket under her Arm.

AS I'm a living Soul, as much as I can gather from the Captain's humour, I'm terribly a∣f••aid this Swaggerer should make some distur∣bance to day, and fall foul upon my Lad••. For as soon as young Chremes, the Gentlewoman's Bro∣ther came thither, she askt leave of the Captain to have him admitted. He began to huff and be an∣gry, but yet durst not deny her. Besides, my La∣dy

urg'd him to desire the Gentleman to sit down and welcom, because she'd have him stay there, for this wasn't a proper time to tell him all she had a mind to about his Sister. At last with a dogged Look, he coldly bids him welcom. The Gentle∣man staid, and my Lady began to discourse. This Captain Huff-cap imagining he had been a Rival brought under his Nose to affront him, thought he would do something that should plague her too. Hark ye, says he, go for Pamphila, to give us a Song. By no means in the World, crys my Lady; What should such a Wench do at a Feast? The Cap∣tain being set upon't fell to wrangling. Mean time the cunning Creature whips her Gold and Jewels into this Casket, and slipt it into my Hand to carry off; which is a certain sign she won't be long behind, as soon as she can get away.

Enter Phedrie at a distance.

Phe.

As I was walking to our Country House upon the Road, (as 'tis usual with people when they are uneasie) a thousand thoughts came run∣ning into my Head one after another, which I took all in the worst Sense: To be short, whilst I was musing upon these things, I pass'd by my House unawares, and had got half a Mile before I perceiv'd it; upon that I turn'd back with a Heart as heavy as Lead.— When I was just got by the way to the House, I stood still, and be∣gan to think thus with my self: What? must I be forc'd to stay here eight and forty long hours without her?— What of all that?— A meer trifle!— How a trifle?— What if I can't kiss her Hand, yet 'tis very hard if I can't have one look at her? If I can't have the one, sure I may have the other: Tis better to be almost distanc'd, than to be quite thrown out of the Race. With that I went by on purpose.— But hold, what makes Pythia run out of Doors in such a fright?

Enter Pythia looking about.

Pyth.

to her self.

Where's this cursed, wicked Creature— Wretch that I am! where shall I find him? Or where shall I look for him?— That ever any man should have the impudence to offer at such a Villany!

Phe.

Alas! my Heart misgives me strangely.

Aside.

Pyth.

to her self.

Nay more than that; after the Villain had abus'd the Girl, he tears her Cloaths, and drags her up and down by the Hair o'th Head.

Phe.

How's this?

Aside.

Pyth.

to her self.

O that I had but the Rogue in my Clutches now!— How I would claw the Eyes of the Whores-bird!

Phe.

I can't imagin what great disorder here has been in my absence— I'll e'en step to her

Aside.

To Pyth.

What's the matter? whither in such haste? whom d'ye look for, Pythia?

Pyth.

Hah, Mr Phedrie! Whom look for say ye? a Curse upon you and your precious Presents both together.

Phe.

Prithee tell me what's the matter?

Pyth.

The Matter, quoth I?— Your Eunuch that you gave us, what wicked Work has he made here? He has gone and ravish'd the young Gen∣tlewoman the Captain gave my Lady.

Phe.

in a maze.

What say'st thou?

Pyth.

I'm quite undone.

Phe.

Ay and drunk too, I think.

Pyth.

Would the worst of mine Enemies were as drunk as I am.

Dor.

O Law, Pythia, wasn't it a very prodigi∣ous thing, ha!

Phe.

Thou'rt certainly mad.— How is it possible for an Eunuch to do this?

Pyth.

I can't tell what he was; but what he has done, 'tis plain. The poor young Creature is all in Tears, neither can ye get one Word from her. This precious Rogue hides his Head now. I'm wofully afraid he has finger'd somewhat out o'th' House too, when he ran away.

Phe.

'Tis a wonder to me such a Limber-hamm'd Dog shou'd get out of sight so soon, unless he has ho••s'd himself at my Father's.

Pyth.

Dear Sir, step in and see.

Phe.

You shall know that presently.

Exit-Phedrie.

Dor.

O Gemini! Prithee my Dear, did you ever hear of such a horrid Prank before? I never did.

Pyth.

Truly I have heard say, these Eunuchs are great Admirers of fine Women, but can do nothing but slabber them over. But I, like a silly Jade as I was, never thought of this: If I had, I should have lockt up my Gentleman, and have kept the Girl far enough from his reach.

Re-enter Phedrie dragging in Dorus by the Ears.

Phe.

Come out ye infamous Dog!— What d'ye hang an Arse ye Runagate Scoundrel!— Thou damnable Bargain out of your Kennel.

Dor.

Good Sir.

Phe.

Do but see what a damn'd Friday-face the J••il-bird makes? How came you hither again?— Why this change of Habit I pray?— What answer Dog?— Had I staid but a minute longer, Py∣thia, I had miss doth Rogue, you see hes just equipt for the March.

Pyth.

O dear Sir, have ye met with the Rascal?

Che.

Met with him? Ay.

Pyth

That's good Luck indeed.

Dor.

Ay special good Luck upo' my word:

Pyth.

What ha ye done with him?

Phe.

Done with him? Can't ye see before ye?

Pyth.

Whom shou'd I see?

Phe.

This Fellow here.

Pointing to Dorus.

Pyth.

What of this Fellow here?

Phe.

The same that was sent to your House to day.

Pyth.

I dare swear Sir, none of our House e're set eye upon him.

Phe.

Sure they were blind then.

Pyth.

Pray Sir, can ye believe this to be the Man that was brought to our ••ouse?

Phe.

Believe't? The De'el 〈◊〉〈◊〉 else had I to send.

Pyth.

Fie!— there's no Comparison to be made between this and that; for that other had a fine Air, and look'd like a Gentleman.

Phe.

Ay, so you thought, because he had got his gay Cloaths on: now he has alter'd his Habit, you take him for an ugly Creature.

Pyth.

Pray Sir, don't perswade me to't, as if there were no more difference than that comes to. Why he that we had to day was such a fine young Fellow, 'twould ha' done your Heart good to have seen him. This is a dry, decrepit, drowzy-head∣ed Fumbler, and looks like a Weezle.

Phe.

'Sdeath! What stuff's this?— You've brought me to that pass, that for my part I know not what I've done my self.— Come hither Sirrah,

to Dorus

Didn't I buy ye, and pay for ye?

Dor.

Yes, an't please you.

Pyth.

Now pray Sir, let me have one pull at him.

Phe.

Do so.

Pyth.

Were you at our House to day?

He nods

L••ok ye, he denies it,— He that Parmen) brought was but sixteen.

Phe.

Well I'll at him once again my self. First, tell me how you came by these Cloaths? What ha' you lost you Tongue?— Ye ugly Dog, why don't ye answer me?

Angrily.

Dor.

One Mr Cherea came.—

Phe.

Not my Brother I hope?

Dor.

Yes Sir?

Phe.

When?

Dor.

To day.

Phe.

How long ago?

Dor.

But a little while.

Phe.

Who did he come with?

Dor.

Parmeno, an't please you.

Phe.

Did you know him before?

Dor.

No Sir, nor ever heard of his name.

Phe.

How came ye then to know 'twas my Bro∣ther?

Dor.

Parmeno told me so.— And 'twas Cherea gave me these Cloaths—

Phe.

Confusion!

Dor.

— And put on mine, and away they went together.

Pyth.

to Phedrie.

So Sir, Who's drunk now? 'Twas I fill'd your Head with Stories, wasn't it? Now 'tis as clear as the Sun, that the poor Gen∣tlewoman's ravish'd.

Weeps.

Phe.

Away ye Beast,— D'ye believe one word this Fellow prates?

Pyth.

A Fig for believing! The thing's plain e∣nough of it self.

Phe.

softly to Dorus.

Come a little this way, Dye mind me Sirrah?— Nigher yet.— That's well.— Let me hear this Business once again, Did Cherea take your Cloaths from ye?

Dor.

He did Sir,

Che.

And put 'em on himself?

Dor.

Yes Sir.

Che.

And was sent hither in your stead.

Dor.

Yes, that he was.

Phe.

Oh Heavens! This is the most wicked impudent Dog living.

Aloud in a passion.

Pyth.

Alas Sir! Are ye not convinc'd that we have been most basely abused?

Phe.

No wonder if a crack'd Chamber-maid be∣lieves this Scoundrel:

Angrily to Pyth.

— But the truth on't is, I am somewhat gravell'd my self

softly

— Hark ye Sirrah, deny all, or I'll cut your Throat

aside to Dorus

— Can't I rack the Truth out of ye to day? Did ye see my Brother Cherea?

Aloud to Dorus.

Dor.

No indeed, Sir.

Fearfully.

Phe.

I see there's nothing to be done without blows.— This way ye Dog— He hunts Coun∣ter.— Down o' your Knees, and ask me pardon.

Aside to Dorus.

Dor.

kneeling.

Good Sir, I beseech ye, forgive me.

Phe.

Into your Kennel then.

Beats him.

Dor.

Hey, hey.

Runs out howling.

Ph.

Faith I cou'dn't tell how to make a fair come off without this Stratagem. If so, the thing's past cure.

Aside.

— D'ye think ye Rascal to make a May-game of me.

Aloud to Dorus.

Exit after him.

Pyth.

My Life on't, this damn'd plot is of Parmeno's contriving.

Dor.

You may swear it.

Pyth.

I'faith I'll pay him in his own Coyn before I sleep.— But prithee Doria, what wou'dst ad∣vise me i'th Case?

Dor.

You mean in the young Gentlewoman's Business?

Pyth.

Yes, whether we had best keep it to our selves, or tell on't.

Dor.

In tr••th, if you're wise, take no notice of the Eunuch, or the Girl either: for by that means

you'll keep out of harms way, and oblige our La∣dy besides. You need only say the Eunuch has gi∣ven us the slip:

Pyth.

I'll follow your Counsel.

Dor.

But yonder comes Mr. Chremes;— My Lady isn't far behind then

Pyth.

What makes ye think so?

Dor.

Because the Captain and she were almost at Daggers drawing when I left em.

Pyth.

Then away with the Casket quick:— I'll learn of this Gentleman what's to do.

Exit Doria.

To her, enter Chremes half drunk.

Chr.

to himself.

Hey-dazy!— I ha' been finely bubbled I'faith.— This Wine has been too hard for me.— The time I was toping,— I thought my self as sober as a Judge,— But when I came to try my Legs,— S bud my Feet nor my head knew which was to go uppermost.—

Pyth.

Oh Mr. Chremes!

Chr.

Who's that?— Oh, the pretty, pretty, Phythie! Why thou art worth forty of the Phythies I saw last.

Pyth.

And upo' my Word you're forty times more pleasant than you were before.

Che.

The old Saying's very true, If twasn't for Meat and good Drink the Women might gnaw the Sheets.— But your Mistress has been come home a long time I suppose?

Pyth.

Why is she come from the Captain's then?

Chr.

Oh a damnable while— They were quarrelling like Dog and Cat.

Pyth.

Didn't she desire ye to follow her?

Chr.

No, she only tipp'd a Wink at me as she went away.

Pyth.

And wasn't that Item enough?

Chr.

No Faith: I cou'dn't tell what her wink∣ing

and twinking meant till the Captain very civil∣ly gave me to understand it by thrusting me Head and Shoulders after her.— But see she's upo' th' Back on's already.— I wonder what Devil brought me hither before her.

Enter Thais.

Tha.

to herself.

I believe this hectoring Bully will be upon my Back presently to take away the Girl by force: Ay let him come: if he offers to touch her but with one finger I'll pluck his Eyes out;— I can away with his Impertinencies and big Words, as long as they are but Words; but i'faith if he comes to touch our ••opyhold once, I'll make him smart for't.

Angrity.

Chr.

Ah Madam, I've been here a long while.

Tha.

My dear Chremes! 'twas you I wanted; Arn't you sensible this Quarrel was upo' your ac∣count? And the whole business a concern of yours?

Chr.

Of mine? Pray how so? As if I had been—

Tha.

Whilst I'm taking pains to help you to your Sister, and restore her to ye, I'm forc'd to sit down with these and a thousand such like Affronts.

Chr.

Pray Madam, where is she now?

Tha.

At home at my House.

Chr.

Hah!

Concern'dly.

Tha.

What's the Matter? you needn't fear; for her education hasn't been beneath her self, or you either.

Che.

What's that you say?

Tha.

Nothing but the truth. I freely give her to ye, and shant expect a Farthing for my pains,

Chr.

I thank ye Madam, and shall endeavour to make ye amends when time serves.

Tha.

But have a care Sir, you don't lose her be∣fore you have her, for tis she the Captain is coming to plunder us of by force of Arms.— D'ye hear, Pythia, run n and fetch the Casket and To••ens quick.

Chr.

discovering Thraso and his party.

D'ye see 'em Madam?

Pyth.

Where is't set, Madam?

Tha.

In the Chest of Drawers.— D'ye move no faster ye Baggage?

Exit Pythia.

Chr.

What an Army has this Fellow muster'd up against ye?— Lamentable!

Tha.

What Cow-hearted my Dear?

Chr.

Pshaw, I Cow-hearted? I'm as bold as a Lion.

Struts.

Tha.

Ay, and so you had need.

Chr.

Ah Madam, I doubt ye take me for ••a— strange Fellow.

Tha.

However take this for your comfort, this Fellow you're to deal with is a perfect Stranger, has less Interest, less Acquaintance, and fewer Freinds to back him than you.

Chr.

That I know too: But 'tisn't for a wise Man to stand behind an Ass when he kicks. I'd rather prevent a Quarrel before hand, than revenge it afterward.— Do you run in and Barricade the Door, whilst I run to the Piazza, and fetch the Constable to keep the Peace.

Going off.

Tha.

catching him by the Cloak.

Hold Sir.

Chr.

I had better go.

Tha.

Stand your ground pray.

still holding him.

Chr.

Pray let me go, I'll be back again in an instant.

Tha.

Sir, you need not call any help— do but tell him she is your Sister, and that you lost her when she was young, and are now come to the knowledge of her, then shew him the Tokens.

Re-enter Pythia with the Casket.

Pyth.

Here they are Madam.

Tha.

Do you take 'em Sir.—

Chr. takes the Casket.

If he offers the least violence you may have him before his Betters:— You understand me?

Chr.

Yes very well

Tha.

Be sure you speak this with a good Cou∣••age.

Chr.

Edad, and so I will.

struts and puts his Arms a Kimbow.

Tha.

Up with your Cloak Man— Dear Heart I've pitch'd upon a Champion that wants one him∣self.

Aside Exeunt on one side.

Enter on the other side Thraso, Gnatho, Sanga, Ser∣vants with Link-boys, Fire-forks, Shovels, Dish∣clouts, &c.

Tha.

Prethee Gnatho; Is't for a Man of Honour to put up such a notorious Affront as this? I'll dye upo' th' spot first.— Simalio, Donax, Syriscus, follow your Leader.— First I'll storm their Castle.

Gna.

Very well.

Thr.

Then I'll carry off the Damsel triumphant∣ly.

Gna.

Better and better.

Thr.

And lastly, I'll put the Jilt under severe Contributions.

Gna.

Best of all.

Thr.

Advance Donax with your Truncheon, and Command the main Body.— Simalio Com∣mand you the Left Wing, and you Syriscus the Right.— Where are the rest? Where's Captain Sanga with his Ragged Regiment?

San.

Here Sir.

Thr.

to Sanga.

Ye lazy Son of a Whore! D'ye think to engage the Enemy with a Dish-clout, what did you bring that for?

San.

Who I, Sir? Why I knew the Prowess of my General, and the Carriage of his Souldiers so well, that they could never part without Blood and Wounds, so I brought this to wipe 'em withal.

Thr.

Where's all the rest of 'em?

San.

The rest, with a vengeance? There's only Sannio left to keep the House from running away.

Thr.

Gnatho do you set 'em all in Rank and File.— I'll bring up the Rear, and there give the Signal for the Onset.

Gna.

This 'tis to be Wise: When he has drawn

••p his Men in Battalia, he'll make sure of one ••Post for his own retreat.

Aside.

Thr.

This was always the F— K— 's way.

Chremes and Thais appear above.

Chr.

D'ye observe, Madam, what this Cut∣throat's about? I see my Counsel wasn't amiss when I advis'd ye to Barricade the Door.

Thr.

Pshaw! This Fellow that you take for a Hector, is as Faint-hearted as a Town Bully.— Bear up Man.

Thr.

to Gnatho.

What had we best do?

Gna.

Had we but a Mortar now to play upon 'em under the Covert way; one Bomb wou'd make 'em scamper.

Thr.

discovering Thais.

But hold, yonder's the Enemy.

Gna.

Shall we give the Assault, noble General?

Thr.

Hold I say.— Wise Commanders usually send a Summons before they Storm: Perhaps she'll surrender upon Discretion before we make the Assault.

Gna.

Oh wonderful! What plaguy things these Politicks are? I never am in your company, but I go away the wiser for't.

Thr.

to Thais.

Thais answer me the first Arti∣cle, when I gave ye Pamphila, didn't ye promise me so many days to my self?

Tha.

What of all that?

Thr.

That's a pretty Question!— Didn't ye bring one of your Gallants under my Nose? What business had ye together? Why did you slink away with him from my House?

Tha.

Cause 'twas my Pleasure.

Thr.

Why then deliver up Pamphila, unless you'd have her carried off by force.

Chr.

Deliver her to thee? Touch her if you ••a••e: Thou worst of—

Angrily.

Gna.

to Chremes.

Hah! Sir have a care, not a word more.

Chr.

Do you prate, Buffoon.

Thr.

Shan't I touch what's my own?

Chr.

Thine, Villain?

Gna.

to Chremes

I say once again, have a care Friend; I see you don't know who you speak to?

Chr.

to Gnatho.

Won't ye be gone, ye Rascal 〈◊〉〈◊〉

to Thraso

And you, Captain Swash, d'ye know what to trust to? If ye give us the least distur∣bance here, I'll make ye remember the Place, the Dav, and Person you affront too, as long as you breathe.

Gna.

to Chremes.

Poor Wretch! I pity ye, that ye shou'd provoke so great a Man to be your Enemy.

Chr.

I'll crack your Fools Pate for ye, if ye ben't gone presently.

G••na.

Say you so, Mr. Snarle? Are your Hands so heavy?

Thr.

to Chremes.

Pray who are you for a Man? What wou'd you have? And what have yo•• ••o do with the Girl?

Chr.

That ye shall know presently: First, I say s••e's Free-born.

Thr.

So!

Chr.

And a Citizen of Athens.

Thr.

How!

Chr.

And my Sister too.

Thr.

Oh Impudence.

Chr.

Therefore Captain,

Jeeringly.

I tell ye once for all, lay hands on her if you dare.—

to Thais

Now, Madam, I'll step and fetch Sopl••ona, the Nurse, and shew her the Tokens.

Thr.

Why will you, Sir, hinder me from med∣dling with what's my own?

Chr.

Yes, that I will.

Withdraws.

Gna.

to Thraso.

Bear witness, this Chremes own 〈◊〉〈◊〉 himself a Thief, he has done his own business.

Thr.

to. Thais

Do you say the same too?

Thr.

Go look.

Withdraws.

Here Thraso and Gnatho stare at one another.

Thr.

What shall we do next?

Gna.

E'n let's march home again— By and by she'll come fawning like a Spaniel to beg your Pardon.

Thr.

Think ye so?

Gna.

Nothing more certain, I know the humour of these women well enough; when you will, they won't, and when you won't, they will.

Thr.

Thou hast hit it.

Gna.

Shall I dismiss the Army?

Thr.

When you will.

Gna.

to Sanga.

Well Captain, you and yours are discharg'd, now like a noble General take your Army into Quarters of Refreshment i'th' Kitchin.

San.

Troth my belly chym'd Cupboard above half an hour ago.

Gna.

Well said Tom Prog.—

Thr.

Follow your Leader.

Exeunt shouting

The End of the Fourth Act.

ACT V.

Thais and Pythia.

Tha.

entring.

D'Ye speak in Riddles still ye dirty Quean?

In another Tone mock∣ing her.

I do know, I don't know, he's fled, I heard on't, but was not there. Hussy, can't ye tell me in plain terms whatever the Matter is. The poor Girl's Gown's rent, she's all in Tears, and won't speak. The Eunuch's fled too; But why?— What's done?— What no answer?—

Pyth.

Alas, Madam, What wou'd ye ha' me say? when they all affirm 'twasn't a Eunuch that was here.

Tha.

Who was't then••

Pyth.

One Mr. Cherea.

Tha.

What Mr. Cherea?

Pyth.

The young Gentleman, Phedrie's Brother.

Tha.

VVhat's that ye say ye VVitch?

Pyth.

Nothing but what is certainly true.

Tha.

Pray what should he do here? Upon what account came he hither, pray?

Pyth.

I can't guess, unless he was in Love with Pamphila.

Tha.

'S death, I'm undone then, all my Mea∣sures are broken if this be true. Is••t for this the poor Creature bemoans her self so?

Pyth.

So I believe, Madam.

Tha.

How's this ye Baggage? Didn't I give you a particular Charge about her, when I went a∣way.

Pyth.

VVhat could I do i'th' Case? You order'd that she should be wholly committed to his care?

Tha.

Oh you Jade, you set the VVolf to ••eep the Sheep: I'm asham'd to the Soul to be so cursed∣ly fool••d.—

Seeing Cherea afar off.

But what fellow••s that?

Enter Cherea at a distance still in the Eunuch's Dress.

Pyth.

••S't, Madam! Patience I beseech ye: All's well, we have got our Spark in Lob's pound.

Tha.

Where is he?

Pyth.

'S't! on the Left-hand; Don't you see him?— look there then.

Tha.

I see him.

Pyth.

Seize him immediately.

Tha.

What can we do to him, Fool!

Pyth.

Do to him, say ye?— See, I beseech you, what a cursed impudent Look he has got,—

Tha.

I see no such thing.

Pyth.

And with what Confidence he comes to us.

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Che.

to himself.

Antipho's Father and Mother were both at home, as if they'd staid there on pur∣pose, that I cou'dn't possibly g••t in without being discover'd. The time I was i•• th' Porch, an Ac∣quaintance o'mine came that way. Upon this, I takes me to my heels as fast as I cou'd, runs into a blind Alley, then to another, and so to a third. Thus did I dance up and down in a Peck of Trou∣bles to prevent a discovery.— But hold, is that Thais? The very same.— I'm at a plaguy stand what to do.— Pshaw, what care I? She can neither hang, draw, nor quarter.

Tha.

Let's up to him.— O good Sir Dorus, you're welcome home.— Pray tell me, Did you run away from us?

Che.

True as you say, Madam.

Looks simply.

Tha.

And are extreamly pleased with this vagary I warrant?

Che.

Not so extreamly neither Madam.

Tha.

D'ye think you shall come off so?

Che.

Well Madam, pardon me this one Fault, if you catch me in another hang me up.

Tha.

Were you afraid that I shou'd prove a harsh Mistress, that you ran for't?

Che.

No indeed Madam.

Tha.

Of what then?

Che.

Why I was only afraid this woman shou'd ha told Tales of me.

Pointing to Pythia.

Tha.

Why what have you done then?

Che.

A small matter.

Pyth.

Impudence! A small matter d'ye call it?— Is ravishing a Virgin and a Citizen so small a Matter in your account?

In a Passion.

Che.

I took her for one of my fellow Servants.

Pyth.

Thy fellow Servant? I can scarce keep my Nails out o'th' Eyes of him.— Thou Devil incarnate! Are you come to laugh at us too?

In a great Fury.

Tha.

to Pythia.

Keep off you Bedlam.

Pyth.

Why Madam? As if there could ha' been any thing done to me, if I had pull'd his Locks for him, since he owns himself your Servant?

Tha.

Triffling aside,— Indeed, Mr. Cherea, you ve done a very unworthy thing, and which did not become ye, for tho I had deserv'd this Affront never so much, yet 'twas dishonourable for you to do't. As I live, I know not what course to take about the poor Girl. You've so broken all my Measures, that I can't possibly return her to her Friends, neither as I ought to do, nor as I intended: that I might ingratiate my self among 'em by so compleat an Obligation.

Che.

Now, Madam, I hope to see a lasting kind∣ness betwixt us both. For from such bad Begin∣nings as this oft the greatest Friendships rise. And who knows but some lucky Star has order'd this?

Tha.

Why truly I interpret it thus, and wish it from my Soul.

Che.

And I beg it might be so. Believe this one thing, 'twasn't to affront you, but pure love caus'd all this.

Tha.

I do believe it, and therefore rather pa••∣don it: For I'm not of that Nature, Mr. Cherea, nor yet so insensible my self as not to know some what of the Power of Love.

Che.

As I hope for Happiness, Madam, I'm ex∣treamly taken with you.

Pyth.

Faith, Madam, look to your self then.

Che.

I wou'dn't hurt her if I might.

Pyth.

I'll trust ye no farther than I can see ye.

Tha.

Leave prating, Fool.

Che.

Now, Madam, I must crave your Assist∣ance in this great Design. I trust and commit my self wholly to your disposal, and beg your Protecti∣on.

Let me die, if I don't marry her.

Tha.

But what if your Father?—

Che.

What he?— I'm sure of his Consent, could she be prov'd to be a Gentlewoman.

Tha.

If you please to stay a little her Brother will be here strait: He's but stept for the Nurse that brought her up. And so Sir you may be by at the Discovery.

Che.

Then I'll stay.

Tha.

I think we'd better go in i'th' mean time than stay at the Door.

Che.

With all my Heart.

Pyth.

D'ye know Madam whatyou're going to do?

Tha.

Why that Question?

Pyth.

Why? Sure you don't intend to take this Blade into your House again.

Tha.

Why not?

Pyth.

Trust me for once Madam, he'll make some new Disturbance.

Tha.

Prithee leave your tattling.

Pyth.

It seems you han't made sufficient tryal of him then.

Che.

I'll do no harm good Mrs Pythia.

Pyth.

I'll not trust ye an Ace good Mr. Cherea.— ••anless your Head were off.

Che.

But Mrs. Pythia thou shalt be my Keeper.

Pyth.

No Faith, who will trust their selves with you, either to keep or be kept by ye? Away with ye.—

Enter at a distance Chremes and Sophrona.

Tha.

What luck's here, here's the Brother just upon us.

Che.

Alas-a-day! I beseech ye Madam, let's in. I wou'dn't for the world be seen i'th' Street in this Dress.

Tha.

Why so? 'Cause you're asham'd on't?

Che.

Yes indeed am I.

Pyth.

Yes indeed am I, say ye? For the young Woman Cherea!

clapping her Hands at him.

Tha.

Do you go in, Sir, I'll follow ye.—

Exit Cherea

But do you stay here Pythia to bring in Mr. Chremes.

Exit. Thais.

Pyth.

to her self.

What Trick now? what mis∣chief can I think of?— How shall I contrive to make this Rogue Parmeno pay Sawce for this dam∣nable Cheat, he has put upon us?

Che.

Come, bestir your self Nurse a little faster.

Soph.

So I do you see.

Chr.

Ay, but you don't advance.

Pyth.

to Chremes.

Have you shown Nurse the Tokens?

Chr.

Yes all of 'em.

Pyth.

Pray, Sir, what says she? Does she know 'em again?

Chr.

Ay, and remember 'em very well.

Pyth.

That's good News introth, I wish the poor Gentlewoman well with all my Heart.— Be pleas'd to walk in, my Lady has look'd for ye some time.—

Exeunt Chremes and Sophrona.

Enter Parmeno at a distance.

Yonder comes that precious Rogue Parmeno,— In the Name of Heaven, how unconcern'dly the Fellow stalks it?— But I believe I have found out a way to revenge my self on him as I wou'd wish.— I'll go in and see the Truth of this Discovery, then I'll come again and fright the Rascal to some Tune.

Exit Pythia.

Par.

alone.

I'm come to see how Cherea car∣ries on his Intrigue; which if it be manag'd cun∣ningly, goodly, goodly! what Monuments of Praise are due to my Worship? For to say no∣thing of procuring him the Person he loves with∣out Trouble, Fees, or Charges, when the Amour might have proved very difficult and costly from a covetous Bawd: I've done that which I think I deserve a Statue for; Having shown this Spark a way to know all the tricks and customs of these

common Jilts, and by timely notice to abhor 'em for ever after. When they're abroad forsooth, none so cleanly, none so modish and genteel, none so delicately neat as they: when their Lady∣ships feast with their Gallants, they feed as nice∣ly as possible: But to see the insatiable Gluttony, the vile Nastiness, the griping Penury of these fil∣thy Jades at home, how greedy of a Crust, how eagerly they slabber and soss up Brown-George out of stinking Pottage; to know all this before hand may be the saving of a young man.

Pyth.

at the Door over-hearing him.

Faith I'll be even with you for your Rogueries you've said or done; you shall have small Joy Sirrah, in making Sport with us.

Enter Pythia, taking no notice of Parmeno.

Pyth.

entring.

Bless me! what a base unwor∣thy Action's this: An unfortunate young Gentle∣man! And Parmeno, an ungracious Wretch to be∣tray him hither!

Par.

What's in the wind now?

Aside:

Pyth.

to her self

It grieves me to the Soul Dear Heart, I left the House in haste to get out of the sight on't— VVhat a dreadful Example do they say they'll make on him?

Par.

Heavens! what new mischief's this? Is my Plot come to this then?— I'll e'en speak to her.

Aside.

— VVhat's the matter M••s. Py∣thia? what's that you talk'd of? who's that will be made an Example?

Pyth.

D'ye ask that, ye desperate Fool? why you've quite ruin'd the young Gentleman you had brought for the Eunuch, when you thought, I war∣rant, you had put a trick upon us.

Par.

How so?— what has happen'd?— Pri∣thee tell me.

Pyth.

I will so.— You don't know then that

the Girl that was presented to my Lady to day, is a Gentlewoman o•• this Town, and her Brother a Person of Quality?

Par.

I know nothing on't.

Pyth.

But so it prov••d.— And 'twas she that your poor wretch ravish'd. VVhen her Brother knew of it, a most bloody-minded Fellow,—

Par.

VVhat did he do?

Fearfully.

Pyth.

— First bound him Hand and Foot, 'twou'd grieve your heart to see it.—

Gna.

Bound him? Damnation!

Pyth.

— Tho my Lady begg'd all she cou'd for him.

Par.

What say ye?

Hastily.

Pyth.

Now he threatens to serve him like a com∣mon Horner, a thing I ne're saw, nor wou'dn't for the world.

Par.

With what Face can he answer so great a Villany? Pyth. Why so great, I beseech you?

Par.

Why isn't it the greatest of all Villanies?— Pray, who e're heard of one apprehended for a Fornicator in a common Bawdy-house?

Pyth.

I can't tell that.

Par.

That you mayn't say you don't know on't, this I declare, and forewarn you, that 'tis no less than Mr. Phedrie's Brother,—

Pyth.

How? Prithee, 'tisn't he? Is't?

Par.

— Therefore your Lady had best take care he comes to no harm— But why don't I break into the House my self?

Offers to go.

Pyth.

Have a care what you do Parmeno, you'll do him no good, and ruine your self into the Bar∣gain; for every body believes 'tis all your contri∣vance.

Par.

coming back.

What course shall I set upon?

Seeing Laches at a distance

Oh, yonder comes my old Master from his Country-house— Shall I tell him on't or no?—

Studies.

— Introth I

will, tho I certainly know I shall make a Rod so my own Breech. Necessity has no Law, he must rescue his poor Son.

Pyth.

You do well.— I'll go in.— Be sure you tell him the whole Story from the beginning to the end.

Enter Laches.

Laches

to himself.

I always find this advantage from the nearness o' my Country-house, that I'm never much tired with the Town or Country: When I begin to be sick of the one, I shift Lodg∣ings to the other.— But isn't that our Man Par∣meno?— 'Tis he, as I hope to live.— Parmeno! Who is't you wait for at this House?

Par.

turning short.

Who's that there?— Ah, Sir, you're welcome to Town.

Lac.

Who d'ye wait for? Hah!

Par.

I'm Thunder-struck, I can't wag my Tongue for fear.

Aside,

Lac.

Ha! What's the matter? Why d'ye shake so? Is all well at home? Prithee tell me.

Par.

First I'd have you be fully satisfied of this one thing, Sir, that whate're has happen'd, I'm as innocent as a new-born Babe.

Lac.

Why, what's the matter?

Par.

That's well askt, for I shou'd ha'•• told you that before.— Mr. Phedrie bought an Eunuch, which he presented to this woman.

Lac.

To what woman?

Par.

Thais.

Lac.

He buy Eunuchs?— S'bud, I'm undone then.— what did he cost?

Par.

Fifty pounds.

Lac.

I must run my Country then.

Par.

Then his Brother Cherea fell in Love with a Musick-Wench.

Lac.

How! what? Is he in Love too? Do's he know what belongs to that Sport already? Is he come from his Post to the City?— One Plague upon another!

Angrily, looking on Parmeno.

Par.

Pray Sir, don't you direct your Discourse to me, I wasn't his Counsellor.

Lac.

Speak another word about your self, you Hangman? and as I live.— But tell me the whole business quickly.

Par.

Mr. Cherea was sent there instead of the Eunuch, Sir.

Lac.

Instead of the Eunuch.

Par.

Very true Sir, and now they've appehend∣ed him for a Rape, and have bound him Hand and Foot.

Lac.

Hell and Furies!

Par.

But mark the Impudence of these Jades.

Lac.

Is there any Roguery you han't told me on yet?

Par.

You've heard all, Sir.

Lac.

Why don't I break in upon 'em?

Exit Laches.

Parmeno

alone.

I don't question but I've brought an old House upon my Head by this day's work; and yet I cou'dn't possibly avoid it.— Howe're I'm pleas'd that these Strumpets shall feel some of the smart by my Means. The old Gen∣tleman has sought an occasion this half Year, to make notorious Examples of some of 'em, and now I think he has found one.

Enter Pythia.

Pyth.

to her self.

I'faith this was the pleasantest Scene I e're saw in my Life, to see the old Gentle∣man come blundering upon us in such a mistake. I had all the Sport to my self, because I knew his Ailment.

Par.

over-hearing.

VVhat a Plague's here?

Aside.

Pyth.

to her self.

I'm now come to see for the Fool Parmeno.— But where in the name of good∣ness shall I find him?

Par.

O'my Soul she looks for me.

Aside.

Pyth.

to her self.

O! I see him, I'll be with him presently.

Par.

What's the matter Mrs. Impertinence? What wo••'d you be at? what are you so tickl'd at?— what ne're a done?

Pyth.

Oh my Sides!— I've almost burst my Sides with Laughing at thee.

Par.

Your Reason, pray?

Pyth.

A pretty Qnestion!— Faith, thou'rt the arrantest Ass I e're did, or shall set my Eyes on? 'Tis utterly past my skill to tell thee what ex∣cellent Sport thou hast made within.— I took thee for a cunning ingenious Fellow.—

Par.

How's this?

Pyth.

Had ye no more wit than to believe pre∣sently what I said? were you not asham'd of the Villany you put the poor Gentleman upon, but you must tell Tales of him to his Father? How simply did he look, think ye, when his Father surpriz'd him in that disguise? What? Don't you see what a fine pass you have bronght your self to?

Par.

Ha! How's this you filthy Carrion? Did ye tell me a Lye, and then laugh at the Wit on't? D'ye think it such fine Sport to abuse us ye Jade.

Pyth.

Oh the finest sport i'th' World.

Par.

D'ye think you shan't pay dearly for this?

Pyth.

Perhaps so.

Par.

Ay, Faith shall ye.

Pyth.

I fancy as much. These Threats may come to Morrow, but you'll be hang'd to day for entring a young Gentleman a Debauchee, and then discovering it, they'll both have a pull at your Coat for this.

Par.

I'm a Reprobate.

Pyth.

You see the Reward of your Roguery; and so Good b'ye to ye.

Exit Pythia.

Par.

alone.

Like a senseless Fool! I've betray'd my self like Rats with their own Squeaking.

Enter Thraso and Gnatho at another part of the Stage.

Gna.

to Thraso.

What's in hand now, Sir? Upon what Assurance or Design came we hither? what Enterprize next, Sir?

Thr.

Who I? I'll e'en surrender my self to her upon discretion, and e'en do as she'd have me.

Gna.

How, Sir?

Thr.

Why shou'd I be less submissive to this La∣dy than Hercules was to Omphala?

Gna.

A pat Example,— wou'd I cou'd see the Slipper flung at your soft Head too.

Aside.—

But what makes her Door open?

Discovering Cherea.

What mischief's a foot now?— I think I never saw that Face before.— What makes him cut Capers thus as he comes out?

Enter Cherea.

Che.

to himself.

Come my dear Country-men, was ever any Man born under a happier Planet than my self? Not a Man upon my word. For 'tis plain the Powers above to shew in me how great their Soveraignty is have singled me out, on whom they have showr'd down so many Blessings all at once.

Par.

Why's he so merry trow?

Che.

My dear Parmeno! 'Tis to thee I'm indebted for the Rise, the Advancement, and the Perfection of my Comforts.— Dost know my dear sweet Creature's prov'd a Gentle∣woman?—

Par.

I heard it by the bye, Sir.

Che.

— And that she's to be my Bride?

Par.

As I hope to be Knighted that's Admirable.

Gna.

D'ye hear, Sir, what he says?

Aside to Thraso.

Che.

Then I am heartily glad my Brother's A∣mours are in such a happy Condition. The Fami∣lies

are both united now; Thais has put her self wholly under my Father's Care and Protection, and is wholly ours.

Par.

Then, Mr Phedrie is like to have her for good and all.

Che.

Yes, indeed.

Par.

This too is worth a laughing at, for the mighty Captain's routed.

Che.

Do you take care that my Brother may know of this as soon as ye can, wheresoe're he be.

Par.

I'll see for him at home.

Exit Parmeno.

Thr.

So Gnatho, Dost not think I'm gone to all Intents and Purposes?

Gna.

There's no thinking otherwise.

Cherea

to himself.

Where shall I begin first?

Or whom commend most? Him that advis'd me to do't, or my self that had the Heart to venture upon't, or the good Fortune that directed us both, and that brought so many Circumstances of so great moment, and so luckily too into the Compass of one Day.—

Or shall I praise the Indulgence of my Father?

Great Jove! that dost poor Mortals Fate secure,secure,

Grant that our Joys may with our Lives endure.

Enter Phedrie.

Phe.

to himself.

Bless me! Parmeno tells me Wonders. But where's my Brother?

Che.

Here at your Service.

Phe.

I'm extreamly glad for your good For∣tune, Brother.

Che.

I believe so, and truly Brother, there's ne're a Mistriss more worthy to be belov'd then your's, she has so vastly oblig'd our Family.

Phe.

Hey-day! Do you commend her before my Face.

Thr.

to Gnatho.

I'm quite undone! The less I Hope the more I Love? Good Gnatho, I rely wholly upon thee

Gna.

What wou'd you ha' me do Sir?

Thr.

Bring it about either for Love or Money. that I may continue a little in Madam Thais Fa∣vour.

Gna.

That will be hard.

Thr.

You can do't I know, if you give your Mind to't: If ye perform it, Command what Gift or Reward you please, 'tis your own?

Gna.

Shall it so Sir?

Thr.

It shall indeed.

Gna.

Why then Sir, if I do't, I desire to have free Egress and Regress into your House, whether you be at home or abroad, and a Place at your Ta∣ble, whether invited or no.

Thr.

It shall be so upon my Honour.

Gna.

Well, I'll make an Effort.

Phe.

Whose Tongue's that?— O Captain is't you?

Thr.

Gentlemen, I'm your humble Servant.

Phe.

Perhaps you know not what has happen'd at this House.

Thr.

Yes Sir, I do.

Phe.

What makes ye scouting in these Quarters then?

Thr.

Under your Protection, Gentlemen.—

Phe.

D'ye know the Protection you're to expect? Take this from me Good-man Captain, if I find you sauntering here again in the Street, you mustn't think to sham me off with; I was looking for a Friend, and my Business lay this way, for you're like to have no Quarter.

Gna.

Soft Sir, that's not like a Gentleman.

Phe.

I'll be no worse than my word.

Gna.

Indeed Sir, I didn't think you'd been so huffy.

Phe.

You'll find it just so.

Gna.

Pray be pleased, Gentlemen, to hear your

Servant Gnatho, a word or two, and then do what you please in this Affair.

Phe.

Lets hear't then.

Gna.

Do you Captain move a little a

Thraso stands off.

one side: In the first place, let me be∣seech ye both to be perswaded, that whate're I do i'th' case is purely for my own sake, but if your Interest shou'd jump with mine, you 're unwise if you don't follow my Councel. ••

Phe.

Out with't then.

Gna.

What if you took the Captain in amongst ye too?

Fawningly.

Phe.

How amongst us?

Gna.

Consider a little better Sir.— Why faith you and your Mistress live very high, for you're used to an easie splendid Life, you've but a small Allowance your self; and this Thais will be re∣quiring more: Now that you may supply her, and save your own Pocket, there's not a fitter or more convenient Ur••nsil than this Blunderbuss i'th••whole World. F•••• 〈◊〉〈◊〉, he has Money enough at Com∣mand, and ••••e more prodigal on't than he. Then he's a Soft-headed Fool, and a Half-witted Cox∣comb, and a sumbling Fellow that snores Night and Day. Ye•• needn't fear the Gentlewoman's falling in Love with him; then you may kick him out of Doors when you please.—

Phe

to C••erea.

What had we best do?

Gna.

Then, Sir, what's best of all, he treats as high and nobly as a Lord.

Phe.

Ten to one but we may have occasion for this fool sometime or other.

Che.

I'm of that Mind too.

Gna.

Gentlemen, I'm oblig'd to you.— One Favour more let me beg of you, to admit me also into your retinue.— I've been cleaving of that Block long enough already.

Phe.

We grant it.

Che.

And with all our Hearts.

Gna.

Then in requital Gentlemen, here's to the fleecing and jeering the Cully to death.

Che.

That's well.

Phe.

He deserves it.

Gna.

to Thraso.

Now noble Captain you may make your Approaches.

Thr.

And prithee how do Matters stand?

Gna.

How? the Gentlemen didn't know your worth: when I had inform'd 'em of your good Qualities, and given 'em a Character of ye as your noble Actions and Vertues deserve, your Suit was granted.

Aside to him.

Thr.

to Gnatho.

Well hast thou done.—

To Phe. and Che.

Gentlemen, great thanks do I re∣turn ye. I never was any where, but that all kind of People lov'd me most dearly.

Gna.

Didn't I tell ye how choice he was of his Expressions; polite upo' my word.

Phe.

Now there's nothing wanting; You may retire.

Turns to the Spectators.

Gentlemen adieu, one kind Applause.

The end of the Eunuch.