All mistaken, or, The mad couple a comedy : acted by His Majestyes servants, at the Theatre Royal / written by the Honorable James Howard, Esq.

ACT II. (Book 2)

Enter Zoranzo as in Prison.

Zo.

SUre 'tis not kind, of those great Pow'rs above To add these Chains to me that am in Love. As to my Bed of straw, I am content, Since any bed from her is punishment. To lye on down of Swans wou'd be hard rest, Cou'd I not make my pillow on her brest. O Amarissa wer't thou here with me, I wou'd not sell these Bonds for Liberty. Ransomes that Prisoners give to be set free, I'de give as much to Lye in Chaines by thee.

puls out her Picture.

Here is her Picture, Oh thou too like shade, To looke on it my Eyes are half afraid. It so presents my Joy and Misery; Since 'tis the Nothing of that all to me. The greatest pain to any Lovers heart: Is to remember when they are a part. For thoughts of Joyes when there's a Barr Betwixt, Are worse then poyson with a Cordial mixt.

Enter Amphelia and Jaylor.

Amph.

Well said Jaylor, here's for thy pains

Brave Prisoner, perhaps this visit may appeare But strange to you, till you have heard me Speake, Know then when you receiv'd the Sentence of your death, you seem'd to Meet it with so brave a Soul, as if the Sound had not displeas'd your Eares, thus Did your Courage fill my Eyes with wonder, And my heart with Pitty, straight I resolv'd; To give you all my helpes to set you free, Which now I offer to you.

Zo.

Madam cou'd I tell what to say I wou'd Begin, I have nothing but poor thanks To offer to you, and those though Millions Were not half enough. Compassion shew'd Unto the Miserable Heaven can only Recompence, therefore in my Dyeing Pray'rs I will begg from thence, a Blessing To reward your Pitty.

Amph.

Sir the Joy of your Escape will pay my paines, All my Endeavors I will set at work, The time is short, therefore I must make Hast, Expect to hear of me again with speed.

Enter Ortellus as she is going out.

Zo.

What can this meane, heaven grant she Does not Love me, I wou'd not wish so Brave a heart, so great a Punnishment, Since my Love's fixt already.

Ortell.

Madam I have been seeking you, pray Whence came you, this is no usuall place To find you in.

Amph.

I was only walking this way Sir.

Ortell.

I'le wait of you presently. I suspect She has been at the Prison; I will inform My self by the Iaylo••, and yet perhaps She has bid him to deny it:

steps to th' Jaylor.

The Lady Amphelia saies she has left

One of her Gloves behind her in the Prison; And has sent me for it.

Iay.

I'le goe see straight Sir—

Exit.

Ortell.

She has been there it seems then. Madam I fancy you have been to see the Prison.

Amph.

Who I, what makes you think so.

Ortell.

Why, am I mistaken?

Amph.

Yes what shou'd I do there.

Ortell.

Nay that's the Question, but there you Have been just now, and with the Prisoner too.

Amph.

Sure you dream.

Ortell.

She's false I find, I'le try her Love to me, —

aside.

Madam since you have been Pleas'd to Shew your Kindness publickly to me; I take this time to begg my happyness, Which is that a Priest may Joyn Our hands.

Amph.

I will not Marry yet.

Ortell.

Why pray Madam.

Amph.

For a very good reason, because I hant a mind too't.

Ortell.

Will you give me another reason.

Amph.

I need not, that's sufficient.

Ortell.

You Love me, do you not?

Amph.

You know I have declar'd it.

Ortell.

But sure you'l not deny me twice.

Amph.

Not if you aske but once.

Ortell.

Fie, Fie, this Modesty is a Thiefe to Lovers And Robs them of their time, Come, Come Say I and blush.

Amph.

I'le not say I, nor blush.

Ortell.

If you had any Modesty you wou'd.

Amph.

You said just now I had too much.

Ortell.

To much of Impudence you mean.

Amph.

What's that you say.

Ortell.

Why truth.

Amph.

Get you out and wash your Tongue, tis foul.

Ortell.

'Tis like your heart then, but that it Cannot Lye asmuch.

Amph.

Most valiant Lord to give the Lye to Petty-coates.

Ortell.

Why did you deny your being in the Prison.

Amph.

Not for fear of you, I was with the brave Prisoner, what then.

Ortell.

You went to make love to him, you had Best use your Time well, 'twill be short And sweet, your dear will not be so Proper a man by the head within this Two dayes. False woman, you have a Heart that flyes from one mans breast To another; all the inconstancy of your Sex is Constancy to this of yours: you Have deceiv'd the Duke already, that Might have been my warning.

Amph.

Faith and so it might, the Duke in all Things so farr Excells you that you were A fool to think when once my heart Bid him farwell, that it design'd no Better a Change then you; troth you'r Mistaken, it had a further Journy to Make; and so took your Breast for an Inn; only to Lye by the way.

Ortell.

Base woman, is't not enough that You have fool'd me but you must mock Me too, heaven hold my hand from Murthering thee.

Amph.

Fright those that fear you.—

Exit.

Ortell.

Cursed of all fool'd men (like me) light Heavy on thee, Reveng begins to fill My heart and I will poure it out on This base woman. I know the way, I'le to the Duke.

Enter Duke.

I am glad I have met your Highness, for

I have business to impart to you that Concerns Your Life.

Duke.

What is't Ortellus.

Ortell.

Know Sir Amphelia that

Duke.

Loves you.

Ortell.

No Sir she Loves the Prisoner

Duke.

'Tis impossible.

Ortell.

'Tis very true Sir, I caught her coming from him, She is designeing his Escape, and for ought I know, her Love to him may put other Thoughts into her head.

Duke.

What d'yee mean.

Ortell.

She may designe your Life, a woman that Is ill, Exceeds a man in Mischiefe.

Duke.

My Lord I thank your Care, if you can Track her further, pray let me know, in The mean time I shall prevent her Ill intentions.

Ortell.

My dilligence shall not be wanting, so Since I can have no Love, Revenge Shall be my Mistris.—

Exit.

Duke.

Oh Amphelia why dost thou take such Paines to break my heart when 'tis to Easily done. She needs not secretly contrive My death since half a word from her, Commands my life, her face and heart, Sure cannot be a kin, Nature Mistooke, Or else she was too blame to give one Woman to so great Extreames.

Enter Arbatus.

See here comes the Brother to wrong'd Artabella. The horror of that sin growes bigger in me, That I with a deludeing Love shou'd foole An Innocent, to shew an outward scorn To false Amphelia, for when I heard she Lov'd Ortellus, I straight made Love to

This young woman, and brought her from Her own Countrey, only to make Amphelia Think I lov'd another.

Arbat.

I hope I don't disturb your Highness

Duke.

No Arbatus you are alwaies welcome to me.

Arba.

Sir, I should ask you a question.

Duke.

You freely may.

Arba.

Not but I think my Sister far unworthy Either in Birth or Fortune, to be call'd Your Wife: Yet since you have been Pleas'd to grace her with your Love so Far, as saying she shall be your Dutchess, be pleas'd to tell me why It is not so; she has been here so Long, that people now begin to say you Mean her for your Mistress, shou'd my Eares meet that sound from any Tongue, I'de—

Duke.

Hold Arbatus, I'me sure I have given no Cause as yet to doubt my kindness to Your Sister.

Arba.

Pardon me Sir, in your delay you have; My Sister has no Dowry but her Vertue, Youth, and some small stock of Beauty. These if you lov'd her for, you wou'd Not waste, by letting time rob her and You at once.

Duke.

Sir, business of great importance has Hitherto defer'd my Marriage, beleive Me you shall find me just.

Arba.

A Princes word must not be question'd I have done.

Duke.

Oh Amphelia what dos thou make me do.

Exit.

Arba.

Let him take heed, if he dos fool my Sister, were He ten thousand Dukes I'de cut his throat.

Exit.

Enter Philidor alone.

Philli.

I have been quite at tother end ot'h Town to put my children out to new Nurses, for I am known so to every Nurse Here about, that they will as soon nurse A Cats kitten as any child of mine; this Is a very pleasant life I lead, neither Is this the worst part of it, for there are A certain flock of women that I have Promis'd Marriage, I expect a volly of Shot from them too, soon as they find Me out; wou'd Wives and Children were as hard to come by as Money, then wou'd I turn Usurer, and let 'um out to use, for To say truth I have enough to spare

Enter Six Ladies one after another.

So here comes one of my promis'd Virgins. Nay a second too, —a third—a fourth, A fifth—a sixth—Welcome blessed Half dozen, now will I go Muster my Nurses and children to, and go against the Great Turk. I am glad to see they have Brought ne'r a Coffin, for I expect nothing But death from them: I wonder they do'nt Begin to Ring my Funeral peal. See every one of them Beckons to me, as much As to say, I'de speak with you in private, But the Devil take me if e're a one Of them do, I find by this, they wou'd Not have their business known to One another, this may be a means for me To get off for this time; Ladies you all Look as if you had something to say to me.

Pray make me so happy as to let me know What 'tis: They dare not speak aloud,

aside.

Will you Madam, or you, or you Madam, Or you Madam; not one of you tell me What the honour of these Visits mean. I see I am troublesome to you all, therefore Ile not be longer Rude; and so I take My leave; This was good luck, that They shou'd come altogether, for I had

Beckon him.

Rather be alone six hours with the Devil Then with e're a one of them half an Houre, I'le stand close in this corner, Till they are all gone.

1 Lady.

Now the Pox take him for a cunning Rogue.

2 Lady.

A Plague take him.

3 Lady.

The Devil take him.

4 Lady.

If there be e're a Divel worse then another Take him thou.

5 Lady.

Oh that I had him alone.

6. Lady.

Was there ever such a Rascal.

Exeunt at several doors.

Phil.

So the cost is clear again.

peeps out.

Enter Mirida.

S'death here comes another, O 'tis none Of that gange though.

Mirida.

I'le lay my head, ne're a Girle in Christendome of my age can say what I can, I'me now but five years i'th Teens, and I have fool'd five several men.

Phili.

A brave wench by this light, sure 'tis I In Petty coates.

Mirida.

My humour is to love no man but to Have as many Love me as they please Come Cut or Long tail.

Phili.

A most Divine wench.

Mirida.

'Tis a rare diversion to see what several

Waies my flock of Lovers have in being, Ridiculous, some of them sigh so Damnably, that tis as troublesome as a Windy day 'ther's two of them that make Their Love together, by languishing Eye- Casts, one of them has one Eye bigger then Another, and he looks like a Tumbler, and That Eye's like a Musquet Bullet, and I expect Every Minute when he will hit me with it, He aims so right at me. My other Lover looks a squint, and to see him cast Languishing Eyes, wou'd make a woman With child Miscarry. There is also a Very fat man, Mr. Pinguister, and a very Leane man that loves me; I tell the Fat man I cannot Marry him till hee's Leaner, and the lean man I cannot Marry Him till hee's Fat: So one of them purges And runs heats every morning to pull Down his sides, and the other makes his Taylor stuff his clothes to make him shew Fatter: Oh! what pleasure do I take in Fooling of Mankind.

Phili.

Was there ever so witty a wench, 'tis the Woman of women for my turn, I'le To her, thou most Renowned Female I cannot hold.

Miri.

From what?

Phili.

From kissing thee, loving thee, or what Thou wilt.

Miri.

Troth you'r very well acquainted, considring You never saw me before.

Phili.

Saw thee, I have heard thee talke this Hour, like an Angel of light.

Miri.

Well, and d'ye love me for what you heard me say.

Phili.

Yes faith do I, why you are just of my Humour, when I heard thee say how many men You had fool'd, I was very glad to hear

You come one short of me, for I have Fool'd six women, and you but five men.

Miri.

Why if you love me you shall be the sixt fool, To make up my half dozen too.

Phili.

No I wont, and yet I'le love thee too.

Miri.

Why how will you help it?

Phili.

Thus you and I will love one another.

Mir.

What whether I will or no.

Phi.

Nay hear me, we two will Love how we Please, when we please, and as long as We please, doe not these Propositions Tickle your heart a little.

Mir.

I don't mislike them. Now cou'd I take him About the Neck and Kiss him for this humour Of his, and do you say you will Love me.

Phi.

Yes marry will I.

Mir.

Nay hold, I wont marry you.

Phi.

Nor I thee, for all the world.

Mir.

And yet you say you will Love me.

Phi.

I tell you I will, make no more words on't.

Mir.

Why then hark you, to be as obsolute As you, I will Love you too. That is to say, Upon the aforesaid Conditions.

Phi.

With all my heart, prethee don't think That I will Love thee upon any other Termes; but come we must seal this Bargain with Hands, Hearts, and Lips.

Mir.

No, No, no Lips; wee'l only shake Hands upon't, that's enough for so Weighty a Contract as this of ours.

Phi.

But prethee lets seale the Bargain.

Mir.

No, no Sir I use no Wax to my Lips.

Phi.

Nay by my Troth I care not a Pin to Kiss thee.

Mir.

No, looke upon me well and see if you Can say so again.

Phi.

Hum, yes faith, I will give two pence to Kiss thee now.

Mir.

Well Sir when I do Kiss you, I'le Bate you a penny of that.

Phill.

Now you and I will sing this Song.

He sings.

My love and I a bargain made, It is well worth a telling, When one was weary we agreed. To part both shou'd be willing.

Mir.

Nay here I'me for you too.

She sings.

And thus our Loves will longer last Then fools that still are pining, Wee'l spend our time in joy and mirth Whilst doaters do in whining.

Phili.

Faith you and I sing very well; we Are alike in that too: I see either Nature or the Devil, some body, or something, Made thee and me for one another; well, But let us remember our conditions. Imprimis, I will love you.

Mir.

Item, So will I you.

Phi.

I will not say how long.

Mir.

Item, Nor I neither.

Phi.

Item, It may be I can love you but a weeke.

Mir.

Item, I don't care if it be but a day.

Phi.

Item, I will never be tyed to any thing.

Mir.

Item, Thou shalt be tyed to what thou Wilt but me.

Phi.

Item, I will come when I please, and go when I please.

Mir.

Item, Thou shalt drown'd thy self when Thou wilt, or hang thy self when thou Wilt, or go to the Devil when thou wilt.

Phi.

Item, If I shou'd like another woman, I Will have the liberty of leaving you, Without any Ceremony, but just saying Good buy.

Mir.

Item, If I shou'd like any man better then You, I'le leave you without saying so Much as good buy.

Phi.

Item, The first that sighs of us two Shall fast a weeke.

Mir.

Item, The first that looks but Melancholly of us two shall Be starv'd to Death.

Phi.

To Conclude we will be both as mad As we please.

Mir.

Agreed and the Devill take the Tamest.

Phi.

A blest Bargain, but hark you there's One thing I have forgot,

Mir.

What's that.

Phi.

Have you had as many Children as I,

Mir.

No indeed hant I:

Phi.

Why then you must let me help you to'um, That you may be even with me there too.

Mir.

Hold Sir, that bargain's yet to make.

Phi.

Pox on't that shou'd have been one Of our Articles.

Mir.

Well I can stay no longer with you now.

Phi.

Nay prethee hold, thou shalt not go get, I can't part with you so soon.

Mir.

I but I have a mind to go, and that's one Of our Articles.

Phi.

Well but shan't we put that other Article in before we part

Mir.

No, no, good buy to you.

Phi.

Farewel Mettle.—

Exit.

Enter Pinguister, Doctor and Servants.

Mir.

Look you Mr. Pinguister this is the Measure must meet about your waste Before I marry you.

Ping.

This, why twill not come about the small

tryes the measure himself.

Of my Legg.

Mir.

Sir, I am the sorryer for it, but it must

Compass your Middle before you can be My deare Chuck, your Servant Sir, I am in hast.

Ping.

Prethee thou damnable pretty Rogue, Let me have some comfort from thee Before thou goest, either from thy Eyes, Thy Cheeks, Mouth or Nose, or some Part about thee; Consider what a Dissolution I must undergo for Love Of thee.

Mir.

I do indeed Sir, but your Servant For this time. —

Exit.

Ping.

Worthey Docter my hopes are all in you now, I have tried many Physitians already To make me leane enough for that Tormenting pretty Fairy Devill.

Doct.

Truly Sir your case is very desperate, But if any man in the world can drain Your fat from you, tis I; Sir we will Begin your Course out of hand.

Ping.

Do you hear, besure I have at least Two dozen of Napkins, ready upon The spot to rub me at every turn, Therefore come you all along with me, Have mercy on me, I have Love and Fat enough, to furnish a whole Nation.

Exeunt.