Nugæ venales, or, Complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies.

MISCELLANIES.

Q. WHo is a bashful Woman?

A. She who lying on her back covers her face with her Smock.

Q. Who is a fearful Woman?

A. She who claps her tail between her legs, or she who dares not sleep without a man.

Q. Who is a bold daring Woman?

A. She that dares singly oppose ten men at the entrance of one breach.

Q. What part of speech is Homo?

A. Homo is a participle, because he partakes or takes part of all things in this world.

Q. Whence hath Papirus, the latin word for Paper, it's denomination?

A. From Priapus that wanton God so freely worshiped among the anti∣ents especially by Lovers: if you will

consult, the Anagram, you will find Priapus and papirus to have the same letters. Now it fals very proper that Papirus shall be derived from Pri∣apus, because by letters frequently assignations are made for the satisfac∣tion of each others longing loves; but least they should miscarry in their meetings, let me advise them to offer up an orizon first to the Roman fa∣med Goddess, known by the name of Dea Pertunda.

Q. What is a Woman?

A. She is the second part necessary for the propagation, and conservati∣on of mankind. A certain Greek Au∣thor saith that Fire, Water, and Wo∣man, are three evils. Philemon testi∣fies that a good Goat, a good Mule and a good Woman, are three beasts of the worser sort, who compares their beau∣ty to a Rose surrounded with Thorns or prickles; their words are deceit∣ful, their gauderies are like a Pea∣cocks Tail; their love is like a Ser∣pent, who kills the male in the act of copulation; lastly, she is so light that one single feather, put in the contrary scale will weigh her down.

Q. What is a curious woman?

A. One who desires to know what every man can do.

Q. Are cornuted men Infamous?

A. No, for to carry Horns hereto∣sore, was honourable: when the Sun expands his radiant Beams upon the Earth, he seems to say, Behold my Horns; The Moon either in her in∣crease or decrease shows them and glo∣ries in them. Moses is Painted with two Radiant Horns. Pan a God of the Heathens had Horns; Pan is a Greek word and signifieth every thing, if you add Horns thereunto, then every thing hath Horns; The Major part of four Footed Beasts have Horns; Nay, the Devil himself (if any Credit may be given to Painters) hath Horns; wherefore since above, here, and be∣neath us are Horns, why should man be ashamed of them, but rather claim a propriety in them? To this questi∣on my Author subjoins an Epitaph made on one Mr. John Kalb, or Calf in English, who was of Noble extracti∣on and Student at Heydelberge, but be∣ing given too much to ebriety, not on∣ly Drowned his Wits, but by is lost

his Life Anno 1674; the lines were these.

O Deus omnipotens vituli miserere Johannis Quem Mo••s pr••eveniens non sinit esse bovem. Corpus in Italiaest, habet intestina Brabantus, Ast Animam Nemo: Cur? Quia non habuit. Have mercy on John Calf, who Ox had been, Had not Death hindred, and stept in between. Two Countries shar'd his Body; but 'tis sad None had his Soul. Why? For no Soul he had.

Q. How many sorts of Fools are there?

A. Four. 1. He that thunders out his menaces so often that no man fears him. 2. He that Swears so often that no man will believe him. 3. He that gives so often that he hath nothing left. 4. He that having no Servant, refuseth to be Serviceable to himself.

Q. who are most Gluttonous?

A. Women; for having two Mouths one for the Day, and the other for the Night, they feed continually.

Q. What are the Priviledges of Monsieur Scab.

A. Many; but for brevity sake only these. He, like some mighty Prince, Eats alone, Drinks alone, and sh— alone. If on the Road he Travels with Gen∣tlemen, and they come to an Inn ill

Furnished, so that they must be forced to lye three in a bed, to be sure he must have one to himself, where he may repose himself alone. Lastly Mon∣sieur Scab hath this more, according to the Proverb, Quod duo Scabiosi occulati plus videant quam ducenti C••eci cum suis Perspicillis: id est, that two Scabs may see farther than two hundred Blind men with as many Spectacles.

Q. What advantages accrue by Lying.

A. The Chaldeans, AEgyptians, Greci∣ans, and Romans, when they under∣stood that truth was not prevalent e∣nough to convince, and tame a wild uncivil People, they formed a Reli∣gion whose Basis was meer Lyes; they feigned a Neptune with a Trident; Cu∣pid with Bow and Arrows; Jupiter strid∣ing an Eagle with a Thunderbolt, and the like, to keep them in perpetual obedi∣ence to their Empire. The same thing did Minos in Crete, Licurgus to the Lace∣demonians; and Mahomet by his Lyes founded his great Empire. There are very few Tradesmen who do not gain in part their dayly Bread by Lying, and the Lover would never attain to his de∣fired end without it. did not Judeth

press a Lye to free her Country. And Divine Plato, although a great Zealot for truth, in so much that he Banisht all Poets who grosly lyed, yet saith he in his Second Book of his Repub. I desire that Mothers and Nurses would tell their Children Fabulous stories; as much as to say, that they should teach them lyes from their very Cradle, to conclude Rhetorick it self is nothing else but the Art of Lying.

Q. What are these things which rarely happen?

A. A Bucksome young Lass not in love, Fairs without Thieves; an old Usurer with a good Conscience, an old stock of Corn without Mice, and, Pha∣n••ticks without holy Cheats.

Q. Who of all men stand least in fear of Homicide?

A. Quacking Doctors, and Hang∣men who kill without being called in question, and though others are pu∣nished for it with death, these have a great reward for their pains.

Q. Whom doth the world call his Nephew?

A. Him, who hath a handsome Wife.

The Degrees of Pleasure.

If thou wilt rejoyce for a day, shave thy Beard; if for a week, go to a Wed∣ding; if for a month, buy a good Horse; if for six weeks, purchase a fair House; if for a year, marry a fair Woman; if for two years, turn a Priest; but if always thou wilt be merry and joyful, keep thy self chast and tem∣perate.

Q. who are remarkable Fools?

A. A faithful Lover, an honest Gamester, and a pitiful Soldier.

Q. why are Monsters here, seen fre∣quently greater than the African; as a Drunken Parson, a Covetous Non-Conformist, a Pocky Doctor, &c.

A. Because their lives do not qua∣drate, or suit with their Professions.

Q. A Maid being askt, whether she would chuse to be chang'd into a Hen or a Goose?

A. Her answer was into a Hen, and the reason was, because the Hen enjoys her Cock all the year round, but the Goose only in Spring-time.

Q. what is the Interpretation of these Letters?

S. P. Q. R.

A. Some say thus, Senatus Populus{que} Romanus: others thus, Salutem Populi Quaere Romani: The Sybils speaking of God thus, Serva Populum quem Redimisti. Bede in derision of the Goths thus, Stul∣tus Populus Quaerit Romam: The French thus, Si Peu Que Rien. The Italians, Samosi Poltroni, Questi Romani: The Germans, Sublato Papa Quietum Regnum. The Papists on the other side, Salus Papae Quies Regni.

On a Friend to R. H.

Qui sim divinato & eris mihi magnus Apollo, Qui Dives Durus Fluctus & Ʋlna vocor. Richard Wavel.

Medicina ad tollendos foetores anhelitus provenientes a cibis quibusdam. Sectile ne tetros porrum tibi spiret odores, Protinus à porro fac mihi caepe vores. Denuo foetorem si vis depellere caepe, Hoc facile efficient, Allia mansa tibi. Spiritus at si post etiam gravis Allia restat; Aut nihil, aut tantum pellere merda potest.

He that for stinking breath a care would seek, Must eat both Onions, and good store of Leek; But if the stench of Leeks offensive prove, Then Garlick take, and eat thereof a Glove. If after these a stinking breath remain, Then take a Tu— all other things are vain.

De Anu per crepitum animam exhalante, Ʋno animam-crepitu Jana pedit anus.

In French.

Vous qui passez, priez Dieu pour ceste Dame, Qui en p••tant parle cul rendit l'ame.

In English.

O strange that Jane should hence depart, Only by letting of a Fart.

An Epigram on this saying, Quot capita tot ingenia.

So many heads, so many wits, fie, fie, It is a shame for Proverbs thus to lie; For I (though my acquaintance be but small) Know many heads that have no wit at all.