Nugæ venales, or, Complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies.
Head, Richard, 1637?-1686?
Page  1

DOMESTICK JESTS, Witty Reparties, &c.

A Facetious Gentleman was one day deeply engaged in dis∣course with a Witty Gentle∣woman, who at length was pleas'd to condemn the weakness of her Sex; nay Madam, not so, for if I mistake not, it is easie to prove your Sex strong∣er than ours, for Sampson (the strongest man living) carried only the Gates of the City on his Shoulders, and now a∣dayes every stripling Female carries a Tower on her Forehead: To which she very briskly replied, Surely Sir, you have a capacious and very strong head, that can carry up and down so many Wind-mills.

Page  2

IMmediately after the conversion of a Noblemans House into Shops, two Gentlemen walking by saw written over the Entrance, The Midle Exchange, we have enough of these already said the other, which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or cu∣riosity can require, and therefore take away the first letter M. and then the name and nature thereof will both cor∣respond, by reading it The Idle Exchange.

ONe Gentleman meeting another very early in the Morning, who had been a rambling all Night, askt him where he had been, the other answered he had been a Hunting: where quoth t'other? In Whetstones Park, he replied, and a Pox on't, said he, I can find never a hair in't.

A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a Copy of Verses on his Lady, who was a very great Shrew, it was promised but not performed, the Lord asking a reason of his delay, said the Chaplain, What need you my Lord desire a Copy, when you have the Original? my Lady hearing Page  3thereof, caused the Chaplain to be dis∣charged, and so he paid for his Wit.

A Country fellow, who had never seen London, was abused one day by some young Clerks of an Inn of Chan∣cery, who thereupon complained to the Principal of the House in this matter; I have been much abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this house, and being informed you are the Principal, I thought good to acquaint you therewith.

SOme Neighbours that dwelt all in a Row on one side of the Street, were resolved to be Merry with their Wives, said one, they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side, but one, here∣upon his Wife was in her dumps, how now Sweet-heart, said he, why so sad? I am not sad said she, but I am studying who that one of our Neighbours it should be, that is not a Cuckold.

A Citizen being made a Cuckold by his Neighbour, brings his Action against the Party, and lays it Quod Clau∣sum fregit, & domum intravit, &c. The business coming to a Tryal, the Juy Page  4brought in a Verdict for the Plantiff, and a Mark damages; the Tryal being over, he stept to the Jury, saying, you see I am contented to enter my self a Cuckold on Record, you might have considered it is very likely to be your own Case, and yet you give me but a Mark dammage: well, I hope to see you all so marked for your pains.

A Lady sent her Servant to the Play∣house to know what was Acted that day, The fellow asking the questi∣on, he was answered, Go tell your Lady 'Tis pitty She is a Whore, the fellow mis∣understanding, and thinking this was spoke of his Lady, and not of the Play, replyed, 'Tis pity such a parcel of Rogues, Rascals, and idle Sons of Whores should abuse honest Women after this manner.

THere was one Mr. Herring, who not∣withstanding his Pious Function, was reputed a good fellow; one day re∣turning home after a sound Fuddle, chanced to fall in the kennel, and very much bedaub'd himself, a Gentleman passing that way who knew him, took him up, saying, Indeed Mr. Herring I am very sorry to see you in such a sad and woful Pickle.

Page  5

ONe seeing in a Play-Bill upon a Post, A great Man gull'd, and un∣derneath, By his Majesties Servants, Read it thus, A Great Man gull'd by his Majesties Servants, adding to it these words, By my Soul as true a thing as ever was writ.

A Parson having in his Sermon much inveighed against Usury, saying it was a sin as bad as wilful Murder; a lit∣tle after wanting mony, he went to one of his Parishioners, and desired the loan of Twenty pounds gratis for 3. months, the Man remembering the Parsons Sermon, said, truly Sir, If to lend Money upon Use be in your Opinion as great a sin as Murder, in my Opinion to lend Mony gratis, is a greater sin than Man-slaughter.

AN ancient Gentlewoman desirous to be believed young, was telling some company one day that she was but nine and Thirty years of age; one stand∣ing by whispered another in the ear, saying, surely she must be more then fifty, to which he replyed, you may be∣lieve what you please, but I must believe what she saith is a truth, she having told me so this Ten years.

Page  6

A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimny-corner in the Winter time drinking of a pot of Ale, askt the question, Whether any of the Company ever saw a Chimny in a Church, no (said one) but I now see a Church in a Chimny-corner.

MR. Church another time was tel∣ling his Friend that his Wife was with Child, and withal, so big, that he could not choose but wonder every time he looke upon her; You need not wonder (said his Friend) do you not know your Wife hath a Church in her Belly?

A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern, came Reeling out up Chancery-Lane, and and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long, that he was tired; whereupon leaning on the Rail, he askt one that passed by where he was, he told him over against the Chancery: I thought so (said he) and that's the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place.

Page  7

A Gentleman had kept another mans wife company so long till he began to be tyred with her, and the sooner to be rid of her, got a friend to proffer her Husband three hundred pound to take her again; he seemed averse to the pro∣position, Whereupon he was advised to take her, and the mony; and then where∣as other Cuckolds wear their horns plain, he might wear his gilt.

A Man and his Wife being in bed to∣gether, towards morning she pre∣tended her self ill at ease, desiring to lye on her Husbands fide, the good man to please her, came over, making some short stay in his passage; she had not laid long, but desired to lye in her own place again, quoth he, how can this be done? she answered, come over me again: I had rather said he go half a mile about.

IN Chancery one time when the Councel of the Parties set forch the boundary of the Land in question by the Plot; the Councel of the one part said, we lye on this side my Lord, and the Council of the other side said, and we Page  8lye on this side; the Lord Chancellor then in being stood up saying, If you lye on both sides, whom will you have me to be∣lieve?

AN old man having married a young Maid (as was supposed) seemed very jolly, but the Bride very melancholy & sad; one of the guests observing it, bid her be merry; and for her better com∣fort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travel, to which she replied, stroking down her belly with her hands, but not in this rode. (supposed common.)

TWo Actors, the one of the Kings, and the other of the Dukes house, talking jocosely one with the other; said the one, in troth Ned thy whole life is so cramm'd with merry Mimmick humors, that if well compiled, they would be the subject of an excellent Comedy; to which the other replyed, thy life is stuft with such subtile damn'd plots & Roguery, that it would make a very deep Tragedy, if the Poet were mindful of making thee hang thy self at the latter end of it.

Page  9

ONe of the Nursery in Barbican had borrowed a Play-book of a Book∣seller, called the Wits, and was by agree∣ment to return it at sucha time, or loose the money he left in ue thereof; laying it some where careless at a Rehearsal, it was missing; nor could it be found, which made our Actor swear and damn after a mad rate, not so much for the loss of his Book I guess, as for fear he should loose his Mortgaged shilling, (a considerable Sum in dearth of mony;) one hearing him rore after this hellish manner, askt what was the matter; no∣thing, nothing, (said a stander by) but that Our Brother hath lost his Wits.

A Mad crew went to a Tavern with a (devilish) resolution to be damnable drunk; one being more over-powred then the rest, spewed perpetually; and seeing that, he would no longer bear them company, called for a reckoning; why (said one) cannot you tell that, that have so often cast up what you drank? no marry I cannot, (said he) for I was so buse in a casting up the account, that I did not mind the reckoning.

Page  10

A Citizen dying greatly in Debt, it coming to his Creditors ears, farewel said one, there is so much of mine gone with him; and he carried so much of mine said another; one hearing them make their several complaints, said, well, I see now that though a man can carry no∣thing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a great deal of other mens.

IT is reported of late that a Gentleman dignified with no mean title, was rid∣ing one day with his footman attending, (who was an arch Crack) the fellow not following so close as he should, was rebu∣ked by his Master, and called a thousand strange names, as Whoresegg, Hounds-foot, Dvils Spawn, and the like; this so nettled the footman, that making what speed he could, got up within the reach of his Master, and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth, flung it as hard as he could against his masters back, & instant∣ly thereupon stooping, he scraht his leg; his master turning about askt him what was the matter; the matter, quoth he, pox take your horse for kicking, I doubt he hath lamed me; Prithee (said Page  11the Gentleman) be no more angry then I am for at the same time he kickt me on the back.

A Suit of Law being referred to a Gentleman; the Plaintiff who had the equity of the Cause on his side, pre∣sented him with a new Coach, and the Defendent sent him a couple of brave horses; the Gentleman liking the horses better then the Coach, gave fentence on the Defendants side; hereupon the Plain∣tiff calls to him, and asketh him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way; he replyed, he could not help it, for the Hrses had drawn it so.

A Young Boyish finniken Mercer, after he had sold a Gentlewoman (small in stature) some commodities, thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse, sumon'd all his fculties to talk all he had at once, at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces, alledging the man-like countenance was designed undoubtedly for the Wars, and the other for Ladyes service; Pis (said she) give me the face that looks like a man, the other is not worth a hair.

Page  12

A Poor Poet being engaged among some Virtuosi in a Coffee-house, talkt a little at random (as well he might being bare without, and empty with∣in) it being taken notice of by a cun∣ning Quibbler, he askt him where his wits were? To which he answered, That if they were not in Pye-Corner, they were certainly in Pudding-lane, or gone a Wool∣gathering.

AN indigent Gentleman was per∣swaded to marry a Prostitute, for no other reason then that she was rich, and perhaps might turn; Turn (said the Gentleman) she hath been so much worn, that she is past turning.

A Very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels, and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen, said, that he had been on the very top of Teneriff (which is accounted one of highest Hills in the world;) one askt him why he did not stay there, for he was perswaded he would never be so near Heaven again.

Page  13

AT another time he applyed himself to this Gentlewoman in his accust∣omed Bumbazeen expressions, and not knowing what to say, being to praise this Gentlewoman above measure, for no other reason but that she was little; Nay Sir (said she) if that be all the grounds for your commendation, I shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same asteem of your wit as you have of my person.

ONe seeing an Answer in Chancery written five words in a line, and not above ten lines in a folio page, askt why they were writ so wide; one an∣swered it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the other, the lines being too near, they would go together by the ears.

A Pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talk∣ing significant enough, interrupted him in his discourse, and said that he loved to hear a man talk non-sense with all his heart; it seems so said the other; and that is the reason you love to hear your self talk so much.

Page  14

A Handsom woman, but dishonest, was frequently reproved by a Relation for her levity and disobedience, fre∣quently inculcating, that her husband was her head, and therefore should both love and obey him: in a little time she undid her Husband, and was forced to fly for it; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions; Pray forbear (said she) and med∣dle with your own business, I have injured none but my self, and that is by breaking my own head.

A Citizen that was more tender of himself then his wife, usully in cold weather made her goe to bed first, and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficiently warmed his place, he then came and removed her out of it, and lay in it himself; and to make him∣self merry, called her his Warming-pan; she not being able to indure this indig∣nity any longer, one night (Sir Reve∣rence) she did shit a Bed; he leaping into it, and finding himself in a stinking condition, cryed out, O wife I am beshit, no Husband, says she, it is but a Coal dropt out of your Warming-pan.

Page  15

ONe of the Sherriffs being sick, my Lord was forced to ride with one Sheriff, which occasioned my Lord to say, that a Lord Mayor riding with one Sherriff, was like a Sow with one ear; your pardon my Lord said the Sherriff, I think it is more like a Waterman with one skull.

A Certain person lately attempted the violation of the honor of a very vir∣tuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem; as they wer alone together he pretended his back itcht, and therefore desired the Gentlewoman to scratch it, who sus∣pecting nothing, concented, in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely shew∣ed what Nature would, & modesty must hide, saying, Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a Cat, who being scratcht on the back will Play with her tail: the Gentlewoman all in confusion, furiously flung from him, and with much indignation related the affront to her husband, who bid her not disquiet herself, and he would very speedily find out a way to be revenged, and thus it was, he invited him one day to dinner, Page  16& to remove all suspition he entertain'd him very liberally, having dined, he took him to the Balcony, where having dis∣coursed him a while, at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over, which was a great height from the ground, saying, If you have the nature of a Cat, no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs.

A Gentleman amongst Company was relating a Jest of a Servitor in the University, who was commanded by his Tutor to goe down to the Kitchin and heat some meat, who instead thereof did eat it, justifying the act by saying, H non est litera; how, said the stander by, is H no letter? I am sorry for that, for my name being Hill, 'twill be then Ill.

AN arch Young wagg hearing one morning the cry of Kitchin-stuff, called the woman to him, and askt her what she cryed? Ritching-stuff said she, what's that quoth he? she repli'd it was that dropt from flesh: say you so said he, call to morrow and I will fur∣nish you with some, the next morning she came, and this Wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of si re∣verence Page  17—the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused, and be∣gan to be angry; nay, nay, says the young man you have no cause for pas∣sion, have not I fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what drops from flesh? it is very true said she, and now I think on it, your flesh appears to me very dry (and stroaking his face with her sh— hand) wants a little greasing, and stands in need I think of basting too.

ONe asked a profuse Gallant why he would sell his Land; he replyed, because he was now on his journey to∣wards Heaven, where he could not arrive till he had for saken the Earth.

TWo seeing a handsome young Wench pass by them whome they knew many grains too light, but very poor, one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare: it is no wonder said the other, for she is common.

THere was a Gentlewoman named Cunny, who was of a free jolly, yet innocent disposition; a Gentleman Page  18chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay, whose name was Parsley; being askt one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney, very well said he, but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stust with Parsley.

A Crooked Dwarf passing along the streets, said one, look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of pro∣digious height; who doe you mean said the other that Dwarf? I that Dwarf if you call him so said the other; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this City.

A Lass espying a young mans testicles hang out of his breeches, that were broken in the seat, askt him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was? it is my Purse quoth he, thy Purse quoth she, then I am sure my Purse is cut.

AN idle drunken Dyer complained to a serious pious Neighbour of his, that whatsoever he undertook to dye came commonly by a mischance; to which the other replyed, that the only way to have this amended was, speedily Page  19to mend himself, for he that lived ill, could never die well.

ONe asked another why men were not content to tell lyes, but they must publish them in print, the reason is apparent said the other, because when men lye, they most desire to lye in sheets.

ONe asked what should be the rea∣son that Prentices were so apt to quarrel with Gentlemen upon a small occasion, because said the other they are glad any occasion to knock them, for knocking their Mistresses.

THree young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry, it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with along Gray beard looked into the room, whom, as soon as they had espied, to show their wit, saluted him with the name of Father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob; I am (said the Gentleman) neither Father Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, but Saul the son of Kish, who went out to seek his Fathers Asses, and here I find them, and here I leave them.

Page  20

A Young Bucksom Gentlewoman was very much perswaded to leave a Town call'd Maidenhead, and go into the coun∣try, to marry a rich man, old and im∣potent, which she refused; being asked the reason, said she, I am resolved to live in Maidenhead a little longer, for as yet I have no mind to go to Graves-end.

A Young Maid coming fresh out of the Country, was courted by a Person of Quality, whom she understood was Poxt; he daily wooed her, and promised her Marriage; she refused, and being asked the reason, why she (that was meanly born) would not marry one, that would not only enrich her, but enoble her blood? I will not, said she, currupt my Flesh to better my Blood for any Prince in Christendom.

A Gentlewoman cheapning of a Clostool, bid too little for it; the Trunk-maker to perswade her to give more, desired her to look on the goodness of the Lock and Key; as for that quoth the Gentlewoman I value not, for I purpose to put nothing into it, but what I Care not who steals out.

Page  21

A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time, was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the Heads of the University, who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour, and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text, What? Cannot ye watch one hour? At every devision he concluded with his Text, which by reason of the Vice-Chancellors sitting so near the Pulpit, often awaked him; this was so noted by the Wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour, that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Can∣terbury, who willing to redess him, sent for this Scholar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge, where coming, he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Arch Bishop enjoined him to preach before King James, after some excuses he at length condescended, and coming into the Pulpit, begins, James the first and the sixth; Waver not; meaning the first King of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the King was some∣what Page  22amazed at the Text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his Chaplains in ordinary; after this advancement, the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambrige to make his Recantation to the Vice-Chancellor, and to take leave of the University; which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the Verse of the former Text, Sleep on now and take your rest, Concluding his Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vice-Chan∣celour, Saying, whereas I said before, (which gave offence) What? cannot you watch one hour? I say now, sleep on, and take your rest, and so lest the University.

A Learned and charitable Doctor ha∣ving made (for the benefit of the Country wherein he dwelt) a large Causey, whilst he was overseeing his work, a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way, who seeing the Doctor, saluted him kindly, think∣ing to jeer him into the bargain; Dr. (quoth he) for all your pains and ex∣pences, I suppose this is not the High∣way to Heaven: I think (replyed the Doctor) you have hit the nail on the Page  23head, for if it had, I should have wondred to have met your Lord-ship here.

A Gentleman that was very faint heart∣ed, fell sick, whereupon his friend went to visit him, and found him so shamefully afraid of death, that he had not patience to stay with him, for all his words were, ah! ah! ha! what shall I do, have I no friend in the world that will dis∣patch me from this grief and pain? reiterating these words over and over; hereupon his friend, to try him, drew his sword, and clapping it to his breast said, yea, you have me your friend left, who will instantly do you that kind∣ness; the Sick person startled thereat, and cryed out, hold friend, hold; though I have a desire to be rid of my pains, yet I have no such mind to be rid of my life.

A Minister having Preached in the Parish of St. Bennets Sheerhog above half a year, and yet received nothing from the Church-wardens, hrkned out for another Benefice, and quickly found one vacant; now to the intent that he might not leve them abruptly, he civily told them of his intention, and that he Page  24would give them a Farewell Sermon, though they had not deserved it from him; Having reproved them severely, for their enormities, at the conclusion, he spake something in relation to the Pash, and Parish oners, in words to this effect, Teloved, I understand that the name of this Parish is Benners-Sheerhog, and I presume very well it may, for my part I have instructed you above six months, without reward, d therefore may say, Hogs I found you, and Hogs I leave you, but the Devil sheer you.

A plain Country fellow born in Essex, coming to London (which place he never saw before, as he walkt the streets he espied a rope hanging at a Mer∣chants door with a handle at it, wonder ing what it meant, he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro, at length pulling it hard, he heard a Bell ring; it so haped that the Merchant being near the door, went himself and de∣manded what the follow would have; nothing Sir said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What Country man are you said the Merchant? An Essex man an't Page  25please you replyed the other. I thought so quoth the Merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a Calf; It may be so replyed the Country man; but I think that an can no sooner ring a Bell in London but a Cuckold looks out presently.

A Gentleman having Sore eyes, occa∣sioned by ebriety, was advised by his Physician to forbear drinking of wine; but he said, he neither could nor would forbear it, maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body, then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation.

A Country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the Monkeys dance upon the ropes; why said his Wife, it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such bables; O quoth he, I could have gone thither with my Neighbour Hobson on foot like a fool as I was, and Imight have rid back upon my Neigh∣bour Jobsons Mare like an Ass as I am.

Page  26
Thus in the Preter tense a Fool he was,
And in the Present tense he is an Ass;
And in the Future Fool and Ass shall be,
That goes or rides so far such sights to see.

SOme Gentlemen being in a Tavern as they were in the height of their jollity, in came a freind of theirs whose name was Sampson; a ha! said one we may be now securely merry, searing neither Serjeant or Bailiff, for if a thou∣sand of such Philitins come, here is Sampson who is able to brain them all; to whom Sampson replyed, Sir, I may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your Jaw bones.

A Gentleman seeing a very prety made with her Valentin pind on her sleeve, intending to play the Wag with her, askt, if her Wastcoat was to be let? yes Sir said she to be let alone; I am content said he, to let your Wastcoat alone, but not your Petticoat.

A Gentlewoman, to be in the fashion, must needs (like her neighbours) have a friend, or Gallant befides her Page  27husband; having singled out one day one (whom she thought fit for her pur∣pose) privately she told him, how dear∣ly she loved him, above all men! her husband chancing to over-hear her; said, Sir, believe her not; for she hath told me the same many times this seven years, and God knows how many more besides.

A Gentleman that was purblind, or dim-sighted, hapned against his will to affront another person of quality, who thereupon challenged him the Field; the other returned him this answer: that his eyes were weak, and could not indure the light, & therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fighting him in the open Field; but as a Gentleman he desired him not to desire ods, and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark Cellar, and to dispatch the quarrel, pitcht upon no other weapon but an Hatchet; This strange challenge so pleased the Gen∣tleman, that instead of fighting, they be∣came very good friends.

MR. Dunscom, and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the Page  28Country, fell out about five foot of ground, and nothing must serve but the Law to decide the controversie: to't they went, and sued one another so long, that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in for∣ma pauper is; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing, and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious, to the utter uine of each other, said thus; Gentlemen, there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights, the fault is not in the Law, but in you and such like, who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction f their own and anothers family. But to the business in hand; here is five foot of land in contrvesie between you, and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety; wherefore my Sentence shall be, that the five foot of land be equally divided; and now let me desire you, Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to devide your name too, take comb and put it to Cox; then your name will be Dunce, and his Coxcomb; and so gave order for their Names to be registred on Re∣cord.

Page  29

A Tradesman having servants, observed 〈◊〉 to ramble at nights; and watch∣ing him one time, lockt him out, and took the keyes up with him; the ramble being over, home came this Apprentice and knocking at the door, could get no 〈◊〉; whereupon he earnestly beg'd his follow servant to let him in; Introth Tom I cannot (said he) my master hath the keys, and I dare not ask them of him: but if you will go to him your self 'tis ten to 〈◊〉 he will let you in.

A Gentlewoman of greater beauty then chastity, standing in a Balcony, was gazed on by a Fop Gallant that had as little wit and manners, as she had none∣sty; in his long stairing her in the face, be made some abusive signs, which forc∣ed her to withdraw; hereupon this Gentleman, ask her whether the Sun offended her, and so, drove her thence, yes (said she,) thy Mothers Son, that Son of a Whore.

A Gentleman having a very sore nose a long time, was askt by his friend how it was; truly said he, it hath been very Page  30bad, but now it is pretty Current; I think so too says the other, for 'tis always run∣ning.

A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels, was interrupted by a Lady, who said she had travelled farther then him if so Madam says he, as Travellers we may lye together by authority.

A Journy-man Baker watcht his op∣portunity, and stole a Neighbours Goose, which he perceiving, cryed out as the Baker was runing, Baker, Baker; I will, I will, said he, Being served with a Warrant, he told the Justice, his Neighbour bid him bake her, as he did, but not coming to eat her, he did eat her himself.

AS two Doctors were walking, an un∣happy Baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads, one of them hereat grew angry, says t'other we are Phisitians, but let us be Patients; and calling to her; said, are you not ashamed for your impudence, to cast water before two well known Doctors, when it is none of your Profession.

Page  31

SAys a Lord, my friend, I should know thee, yes says he, I am one of your Lordships Tennants, my name is F. L. O says the Lord, I remember there were two Brothers of you, one is dead, but which is he that is alive? It is I my Lord, says Wise-acre.

A Young man Married a cross piece of flesh, who not contented though her husband was very kind, made continual complaints to her Father, to the great griefe of both Families; the husband being no longer able to indure this Scurvy humour, banged her soundly: hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the pervers∣ness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her sides soundly too; saying, go and commend me to your husband, and tell him I am now even with him, for I have cudgeled his Wife, as he hath beaten my Daughter.

IN the last great Plague time, a Con∣stable heard a woman beating of her Husband; whereupon he ran immedi∣ately and set a Cross on the door, and a Page  32watchman to attend, being askt the reason; he said, a greater Plague under Heaven could not befall a man then for to be beaten by his wife.

A Fellow hearing one say according to the Italian Proverb, that three women make a Marken with their chtting, nay then said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a Faire.

Q Ne askt his Friend what such a one was that was the•• in company, the other replyed he was a Proctor, and had done some business of his Wifes; you mistake said the other, he doth not thy wifes business but doth thy business on thy wife.

A Red nosed man and his wife being invited to Supper, was intreated going home to take a light with him being very dak, it needs not said the man, for my nose and my Wife are light enough.

A Taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him no∣thing: you lye like a Rogue said she, I bring you children every year without your help or assistance.

Page  33

A Countryman told his wife 'twas her fault that his Daughter played the whore for she should have lock-her up, lock me no locks says she, the Devil take that key that cannot undo that lock.

UPon the christning of a child, said the Husband to his pretendedly religious Wife, my Dear, who dost think hath promised to be Godfather? I know not quoth she? why e'ne Thom. Alcock, O the Father! Will he be here, says she.

A Gentleman hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs, which he did, but it was in the mud; for which the Gentleman grew angry, and would not pay him a farthing, saying, my bargain was to Land me at Temple-stairs, but this is Puddle-deck

A Gentleman having a very hand∣some servant, and as he verily con∣cluded a Maid, sollicited her to lie with him; but she refused; at last it came to this, that all she feared was he would hurt her; he told her no: she said, if he did, she would cry out; all being Page  34finisht, la you there said he, did I hurt you? or did I cry out, said she? Her Mrs. not long after perceived her puking, askt her whether she was not with child; charging her home, she confest, and that it was her Master got it, where said she? in the Truckle-bed, where was I then? in the High-bed forsooth a sleep, O you Whore, why did you not cry out; why forsooth (said she) since my Master did not hurt me, why should I cry out? Had you been in my condition would you have done so?

ONe Mr. Eaton making one day a plentifull feast, amongst other dishes he had a Goose, which those at the upper end of the table had so mang∣led, that there was nothing left in a manner but the Skeleton; however Mr. Eaton (in civility) askt some at the lower end, whether they would eat any Goose; one taking it as a trick put upon them, said, no Sir, I thank you, here is plenty of other food to feed on? As for your Goose it is Eaton.

MR Buck invited Mr. Cook to din∣ner, (who was a clownish Gen∣tleman) Page  35to a Venison Pasty; at dinner Mr. Cook was pleased (though uncivi∣ly) to say, Mr. Buck, in troth your Buck is ill season'd, and but half baked, it may be so sayd he, but yet Buck is good meat; but what says the Proverb, God sends meat, but the Devil sends Cooks.

TWo Gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit, one had much the better on't, and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy, that the company taking notice of it fell a laughing; saying, that he was struck dead at a blow, as Sampson did the Philistins; to which the other briskly replyed, I think so too, and by the same means, for I received that blow by a Jaw bone of an Ass.

A Farmer being Consumptive, came with his wife to a Doctor, who ad∣vised him to drink Asses milk every morning; saying moreover, that if he could not get it, the Farmer should come to him; why Husband, said the Wife, dth the Doctor give suck?

Page  36

A Gentle woman sitting carelesly by a fire side, sate stradling, her husband in a pleasant humor told her, that her Cabinet stood open: say you so said she, why don't you lock it then? for I am sure that none keeps the Key but your self?

A Gentlewoman delighting in plu∣rality of lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely, but were unacquainted with each others loves; one of them having layne with this Gentlewoman one night, lost his ring in the bed, which the other found the next night after; the day following, the other sees it on his friends finger; after a great many arguings about it, they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues; the Gentleman demands his Ring; the other refuses; at last it was agreed that it should be left to the next commer by, who should have the Ring; it chanced to be the husband of this woman, who under∣standing the whole matter, adjudged the Ring should belong to him who Page  37own'd the sheets; marry then said they, for your excellent judgement, you shall have the ing.

A Scholar in a Colledg-Hall declam∣ing, having a bad memory, was at a stand whereupon in a low voice he de∣sired one that stood close by, to help him out; no says the other, methinks you are out enough already.

A Poor harmless man was continu∣ally absed by a scolding wife; and such was her impdence that she would call him Cuckold a hundred times to∣gether, a Ninny standing by and hear∣ing it, said What a fool this man is to let his Wife know he is a Cuckold.

A Country Gentleman riding down Corn-Hill, his Horse stumbled, and threw him into a shop; the Mrs. there∣of being a pleasant woman, not forbear∣ing smiling, (seeing there was no hurt done) askt him, whether his horse used so to serve him, yes, said he, when he comes just against a Cuckols door; Then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side

Page  38

A Man and his Dog (named Cuck∣old,) going together in the even∣ing returning home, the Dog ran in a doors first; O Mother says the boy Cuckold's come; Nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure.

ONe said, (having drunk small Beer) that it was dead; it is very likely said another, for it was very weak when I was here last.

WHat a sad condition am I in, said a fellow in the Stocks? I Can see over the wood, under the wood, and through the wood, but can't get out of the Wood.

ONe running into a Neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to sound; alas, said the other I wish you had com a little sooner; For I jut now threw away a whole Kittle full.

A Scriveners man reading a Bill of Sale to his Master; (according to forme) I do demise, grant, and to farme let, and sell all my Lands—but on sudden the Cough took him, that at present he Page  39could not read a word more; at which his Master being angry, bid him read on with a Pox; at which words he went on, To you, your Heirs, and their Heirs for ever.

AN ancient Gentlewoman had a Ne∣phew a Scholar in Katherin-Hall in Cambridge, and meeting one day his Tutor, she askt him how her Nephew behaved himself? truly Madam (said he) he is a great student, and holds close to Katherin-Hall; I vow (said she) I fear∣ed as much, For the boy was ever given to wenches from his Infancy.

ONe Phanatick said to another, that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent; how said the other, I hope it was not on Good-Friday, as they call it; no said the other, but it was on Ash-Wed∣nesday as they call it, why that's as bad said the other; But hear the truth Brother, I did eat so much on Shrove Tuesday, As they call it, that I could not eat a bit the day after, as they call it.

A Seaman unaccustomed to ride, was mounted on a curvetting horse, Page  40which reard a loft; hey day quoth he, I never expected to have met with Billows here to be thus tost on land before.

A Fat man riding on a lean Horse, was askt why he was so fat, and his Horse so leane? said he, I look to my self, but my man to my Horse.

A foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravisht her; what did he doe says he? he tied my hands so fast I could not stirr them; and what else? Why Sr. said she, He would have tied my legs too, but I had the wit to keep them far enough a sunder.

A Man having a candle in his hand, said, by this light wife I dreamed last night thou madest me a Cuckold: she having a piece of bread in her hand, said, by this bread Husband but I did not: Eat the bread then says he, nay (sayes she) eat you the candle, for you swore first.

A Gentleman riding near the Forrest of Which-wood in Oxford-shire, askt a fellow what that wood was cal'd? he Page  41said, Whichwood Sir. Why that Wood (said the Gentleman) Which-wood Sir, Why that Wood I tell thee; he still said Which-wood; I think said the Gen∣tleman thou art as senseless as the Wood that grows there, it may be so replyed the other, But you know not Which-wood.

ONe Gentleman desired another to drink more then he could bare, ad therefore he refused; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through, nay, rather then that, said the other, I will run my self through, and pledge you afterwards, and so running through the door down stairs, left the other to pay the reckoning.

A Man walking with a Pike-staff in his hand, it chanced that a Dog came running at him open mouth'd; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the Pike down his throat, and killed him; the Dogs Master askt the fellow, why he did not save his Dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff? So I would said he if he had run at me with his tail.

Page  42

ONe askt a Painter how he could draw such excellent Pictures, and yet get such ugly children? it is (said he) Because I make the one in the night, and the other in the day.

ONe asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature? O friend said he, of all evils the least is to be chosen.

A Gentleman walking early in the morning, met his friend coming from his Mistress whose name was Field, Sr. said he, how came you in this wet pickle? In troth Sr. I am thus bedewed by coming over yonder Field; nay, said the other, I rather believe it was by ly∣ing all night in yonder Field.

A Gentleman that was a great Ta∣vern hunter, askt his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine; the other refused, saying, his face was red enough already, and drinking wine would make it worse, a pox on that face (quoth the other) that makes the whole body fare the worse.

Page  43

Another said, that was a very great drinker, when he dyed he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in man∣ner and form following, at these Ta∣verns, ten pound at the Wonder in Lud∣gate-street, for honest men, and no Brew∣ers; ten pound at the Castle for Military men, ten pound at the Miter for Clergy men, ten pound at the Horne Tavern for Citizens, and ten pound at the Devil Tavern for Lawyers.

ONe haveing two sons, one legiti∣mate and the other illegitimate; he made the Bastard his Heir, the Fa∣ther dying, the two sons falling out, the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth; True, said he, I did, but it was to keep you out of the house.

Another Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man, as to his own Father, yes (said he) But I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to chuse you such a Father, then to your Father to chuse you such a Mother.

Page  44

A Gamester borowed five pound of a Gentleman, and lost it at play; thereupon he sent to borrow five pound more by this token, that he owed him already five pound; Pray (said the Gentleman) Bid your Master send me the token, and I'le send him the five pound.

A Gallant standing in a maze, a Lady askt him what he was thinking on, he said of no think; what do you think on (said she) when you think on no∣thing? faith, sayes he, then I think on you and the inconstancy of your Sex.

A Gentleman having been abroad in the fields, came hungry home and call'd for his dinner, Sir, said his man it is early day 〈◊〉, the clock ha∣ving but just now struck ten; Pish, sayes he, don't tell me of ten by the clock, when it hath struck Twelve by my stomack.

SOme Gentlemen in a Tavern want∣ing attendance, one took the pint pot, and threw it down stairs; present∣ly up came a quart; then he flung the quart down, and up came a pottle; is it Page  45so, said the Gentleman? then I will have one throw more, and so flung the Drawer down stairs, saying, I will see whether thou wilt come up double too.

A Handsome Wench, and very gentile in habit, was brought by a Con∣stable before a Justice late at night; the Justice finding no matter of fact, onely bare suspition, in favour of her, bid the Constable take her home to his house for that night; that I shall do Sir, says he, if your worship will be pleased to commt my wife till the morning.

A Soldier being quartered at a Gun, an unhappy shot came in at the Port-hole and took off his leg; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye at some distance from him, Prithee Ginner (said he) take it up, and clap it into the Gun, and send it among those roguing Dutch, that it may kick their arses for the in∣jury they have done its master.

THe same man had the fortune to loose in the following engagment, not on∣ly the other leg, but both his armes, as he was carying down to the Chyrurgeon Page  46he called to his Captain, Sir, said he, if you live and I live, pray tell His Majesty; that he hath a faithful subject, who in his service hath lost both his Arms and Legs, so that he is incapable to serve him further, however he hath left a loyall heart, which shall ever pray for the welfare of his Majesty.

A Tradesman one Morning going out about some business, wanted a Pin for his Band, the indulgent Wife hearing that, ran to him very officious∣ly, and joyning her Belly close to his, was a great while about his Collar, by which means she observed some erecti∣on more then ordinary, and thereupon pulls off his Band, and takes him by the Shoulder, saying, you are in a fit condition to go abroad in, are you not? Come come along with me, and so brought him up stairs into her Bed-Chamber, where having staid a while, she came down with him, saying, you may now Husband go where you please, you need not be ashamed, for you know I have drest you like a Civil Man.

Page  47

A Doctor in a Coffee-house talking of many things, happened at last to averr, that all bitter things were natu∣rally hot; not so Mr. Doctor, said a stander by; why so, said the Doctor? why I'le appeal to all that the learned Phisicall Authors, ancient and modern, from Noahs time to this present, who all say the quallity of bitter things is hot; how will it hold with this then Mr. Doctor said the other? and I must ap∣peal to experience, that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather, from whence I gather all bitter things are not hot.

THe same man a little time after, in a Coffee-house hearing a Mercer bounce, that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop; nay that I don't believe said this Gentleman; for in your whole shop and Ware-house, I don't think you can show me a pattern of Kitching stuff.

SIrrah, said a Gentleman, if thou drawest me good Wine for my Mo∣ny, then thou art fitter to draw then to hang, but if thou drawest me bad Wine for my good Mony, then thou art fit∣ter to hang then draw.

Page  48

A Person one Saboth day, and that very lately, went to the Queens Chappel more out of Curiosity then Devotion, who having tired himself with the observation of Romish Cere∣monies, he went out of the Chappel, and seeing Bills affixed to the Pillars, drew near, and as he was reading to himself, a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him, and askt him what he read, Mistress said he, this Bill signifies that a person being Sick, desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither, What is it I pray, said this old Gentlewoman, [pretending Deafness, and gathering up closer to him] it is, said he, as aforesaid, speaking lowder. The third time she askt him the same question, saying, Sir, excuse me, I am very Deaf, pray speak a little lowder, which he did to satisfie her, by this time she pickt his Pocket, and having so done, she dropt him a low Curtsy, saying, I hear you now Sir, I give you many thanks, for you have given me good satisfaction, and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction, when he came home, he could not find one cross in his Pocket.

Page  49

AT that time when there was an Act that Canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart, a Gentle∣man in a Tavern called for a pint of that wine, the Drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth; what mean you by this said the Gentlenman? why, is it not full said the Drawer? no said the other not by one fourth, Sir, it was full I can assure you when I was in the Collar (quoth the drawer) but to tell you the truth, as I came running up stum∣bdion an Act of Parliament, and so spilt what you see is wanting.

ONe being desired to eat some Oy∣sters, refused for these reasons, first they were ungodly meat, because they were eaen without saying Grace; un∣christian meat, because they were eaten a live; uncharitable meat, because they left no offll to the poor; and unprofitable meat, because most com∣monly there was more spent upon them then they cost, and by their means more spent otherwise, then they and the rec∣koning amounted too.

Page  50

A Young Gentleman wanting a sum of mony, went to a Scrivener, de∣siring him to lend him an hundred pound privately, that it might not come to his Fathers ear; the Scrivener promised all the secrecy imaginable; the Gentleman receiving the money, and going to seal the Bond, read the first line, which was, Know all Men by these presents, that J. F. Gent. do owe unto, &c. said the young Gentleman, are not you a damned Rogue; who for the future will be∣lieve you, since you promised none should know my debt? and yet you say, Know all men by these presents, &c.

A Carter chanced to overturn his Cart far from any assistance, so that the poor Fellow was forced to stand by, till he could find somebody coming that way, that might help him, at length a Parson came, and thinking to put a joke on the poor Carter, said, how now Carter, what, I see thou hast killed the Devil; yes in faith master, quoth he, and I have wait∣ed two hours for a Parson to bury him; and now you are come very seasonably.

Page  51

A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate, they stopt him; but he would not be stopt, for he was in hast: they still detaining him, he askt them what they were? The Watch, said they; the Watch, quoth he, what watch you for? the King, said they (meaning the Kings watch) for the King, quoth he, then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such a man; for I'es een Billy Noddy's Son of Lancashire.

A Porter coming home one night, com∣plained of the many burdens he car∣ried that day, the woman (though but plain, yet very handsome) replyed, well husband, and I bear my share of burdens too, though not so heavy; lets be content, for as we share in the profit, so we will reap the pleasure on't.

A Gentleman being newly trimmed, the Barbor left only some hairs on his upper lip; visiting a Gentlewo∣man she innoently said, Sir, you have a beard above, and none below; and you says he Madam, have a beard below and none above, Say you so says she, then put one against t'other.

Page  52

A Young bucksome baggage with a Candle in her hand, was set upon by a hot spurr, who by all means must have about with her, but she vowed if he medled with her, she would burn him; Will you so (sayes he) I'le try that, and thereupon blew out the Candle, think∣ing himself safe from the threat, however not long after he found she was as good as her word.

A Travellor in a cold frosty night, coming to his Inn, he stood so near the Kitchen fire, that he burnt his boots; which the Turn-spit boy seeing; said, Sir, you will burn your spurs presently; my boots thou meanest Boy; No Sir, said he, they are burned already.

ONe said, I hear your wife is quick already, yes says he, a pox on her she is very nimble, for I have been mar∣ried to her but a month, and she is ready to lye down: well, since it is so, I will go and instead of buying one Cradle, I will buy half a score, for I can't have less then ten Children in a twelve month, if she holds on as she begins.

Page  53

A Shoomaker thought to mock a Cob∣ler being black, saying, what news from Hell? How fares the Devil? Faith, says the Cobler, he was just riding forth as I came thence, and pulling on his boots, he complained grievously that he was in the Shoomakers stocks, and desired me to send him a Shoomaker to widen his boots, and draw them on for him.

AN arch Country fellow haveing been at London, upon his return was askt by his shee Neighbour, what news he heard there, news (quoth he) all the news that I heard was, that there was a great press out for Cuckolds; Is there so (said she) then to aviod the worst my huband shall not stir out of doors, till the press be over.

A Light House-wife Married one whose Name was Not, whom she Cuckold and Buried, at her Death these Verses were made on her,

Not a Maid, Not a Wife, Not a Widow,
Not a Whre,
She was Not these, and yet she was all four.
Page  54

ONe saying that a Married woman had no power to make a Will, in troth said another it would be better for Men, if they had the Priviledge to make a Will when they die, then for them to Usurp a Prerogative of having their Wills all the days of their life.

A Gentleman pretending to have a a great desire to Marry, askt ad∣vice of a Friend concerning so weighty a Matter; a mad Hec. of the Town hearing thereof, sent him these Lines, I know not whether designedly to di∣vert him from Marriage, or to show his own (A la Mode) aversion to it.

Out of trk Love, and errant Devotion,
Of Marriage. I'le give you this Galloping Notion.
'Tis bane of all business, the end of all Pleasure,
Consumption of Youth, Wit, Virtue, and Treasure.
'Tis the Rack of our Thoughts, Night Mare of our Sleeps,
That calls us to Work before the Day Peeps;
Commands to make Brick without Stubte or Straw,
For a C— hath no Sense, nor Conscience, or Law,
If you must be for flesh, take the way that is Noble,
In a generous Wench there is nothing of Trouble.
You come on, you go off, say, do what you please,
And the worst you can fear is but a Disease,
And Diseases you know may hope for a Cure,
But the pain of being Married who can it endure.
Page  55

A Married man of good note got a Wench with child, and was told by the Justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his Marriage bed; You mistake Sir, said he, there was no defiling of the bed in the matter, for it was done in the field.

Being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his Maids bed; you mis∣take sweet-hart, said he, tis no such matter, for she likes the sport so well, that she saves me that labour.

A Gentleman faln to decay shifted where he could, amongst the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his Guest, and to be rid of him feighned a falling out with his wife, by which means there fare was very slender: the Gentleman perceiving there drift, but not knowing whether to go to bet∣ter himself, Told them he had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again.

Page  56

A Gentleman going home late, met with the watch, who bade him come before the Constable, approach∣ing near; which is the Constable, said he; I am the Constable said Mr. Not; the Gentleman knowing him by name, (though little otherways) said, you are Not the Constable Sir, but I am said the other; I say you are Not the Constable; because said the other you say I am not the Constable, you shall find I have power to commit you to the Counter, as he was going the Gentleman turned back, and said, pray Mr. Not, and Not the Constable, let me go home to my Lod∣ging; Mr. Not was so well pleased with the quibble, that he sent him home with a couple of watchmen.

ONe having let a Farme by word of mouth to a Tennant that much abused the same, it so nettled him, that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a wri∣ting; his wife over-hearing the Vow, Good Husband (quoth she) recall your words, or else you must have a writing for every Fart you let.

Page  57

A Physitian was wont to say when he met any friend, I am glad to see you well, in troth Sir, said one, I think you but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

A Discreet staid Gentleman being accidentally in a crowd, got a broken pate, one seeing it, said, See what a suddain change there is in yonder Gentleman, it was not long since he was lookt upon staid, sober, and discreet, and now he hath gotten a running head.

ONe said that the King of Spain was the greatest Potentate of the whole Universe, for he Sack more Cities and Countrys, then all other Princes be∣sides.

We from Spains Monarch, as all Merchants Know,
Have our Canary, and stout Maligo.
Thus doth he Sack each City, Town, and Village,
For which the Vintners do our Purses pil∣lage.
Page  58

A Lawyer being Sick made his Will, and gave away his estate to Luna∣tick, Frantick, and Mad-people, being askt why he did so, he answered, That from such he received it, and to such he would give it again.

A Farmer growing very Rich, was Knighted, hereupon his wife made her self as fine as a Lady; which one observing, said, that the Farmers worship was much to blame in spoiling a Good-wife, to make a Mad-dam.

A Knight having three Sons, and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son, told him that necessity forced him to bind him Apprentice, and bid him choose his Trade; the Lad being ingenious told his Father he would be a Tanner; why that nasty trade says he? O Sir replied the Son, considering the slenderness of your Estate it is most suitable to my condition, for three Hides will set me up: what Hides are those says the Fa∣ther? Sir (says he) yours and my two el∣der Brothers.

Page  59

A Pretender to Poetry, was Rehear∣sing some Verses to one, which he said he made betwixt High-Gate and London, as he was Riding on a lame Jade, truly said the other you needed not to have told me that, For I know by your hobling Verses what disease your Horse was troubled with.

A Gentleman one night very late, or early in the morning, and half udled, yet had wit enough, was called before the Constable, who askt him where he was going, he replyed he could not tell; then said the Constable you shall go to the Counter; look you there said the Gentleman, did I not tell you, I could not tell whither I was going, For did I know, whether you would let me go home, or send me to prison, for which conceit he was released.

ONe said that no men had greater confidence in their Country then Thieves, Because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains.

Page  60

AN Apprentice being a servant to a young married Couple, observed every day after dinner, that his Master and Mistris went up into their Bed-chamber; being an arch Rogue, he imagined what to do. A Gentleman coming one afternoon, askt where his Master and his Mistris were; I think (said the boy) My Mistris is abroad, but I suppose my Master is at home.

A Quaker coming to Court to speake with the King about the lord knows what, past through the Presence, and Privy-chambers with his hat on, which some would have taken off, but the King bid them let him alone, whilst he was telling a long rible rable story, the King took an occasion to take off his own hat; hereupon the Quaker stopt, and said, O King thou maist be covered, if thou wilt. Well (says the King) if I give you your liberty, I hope you will allow me mine.

ONe seeing a Lawyer riding on a Dun-horse, look yonder (says he) Is the Devill upon Dun.

Page  61

SOme Gentlemen Travelling, and coming near a Town, Saw an old woman spinning near a Duckin-stool; one to make the company merry, askt the good woman, what that Chair was made for? said she, you know what it is; indeed, says he, I know not, unless it be the chair you use to spin in some∣times; no no, said she, you know it to be otherwise: have you not heard that it is the Cradle your good Mother hath often lay in.

ONe was perswaded to adventure somthing at the Lottery; not I, said he, for none has luck at it but rank Cuckolds: his wife standing by, per∣swaded him by all means for to venture; for said she, I am certain then you will have very good luck.

TWo Gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies; one of whom lying on his death-bed, thought of a way to be eternally reven∣ged on the other; whereupon he sent for him, and told him that he would make him his Excecutor; why me (says Page  62he,) since you ever hated me to death? so I do still says t'other: but my rea∣son is, Because I think most Excecutors go to Hell, and I hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape.

A Quaker having taken a room in an Inne, a Hector coming after, would needs have the room from him, swearing, damming, and sinking after a most damnable rate: but the other told him mildly it was his room, and by yea, and nay he should not come there; the other thereupon struck him, which so provoked the old man in this stout Quaker, that he repayed his blows with usury; and at last kickt him down stairs: with that the Master of the house sent up to know what was the matter; noth∣ing (said one) but that Yea and Nay hath kickt God damme down stairs.

A Citizen coming into Ludgate, saw an old acquaintance of his there confin'd: Lord, Tom, says he, how cam'st thou hither? he replyed, a blind man might have come thither as well as he, for he was led thither betwixt two, who would not suffer him to goe any other way.

Page  63

A Lady found fault with a Gentle∣man dancing; saying, that he stradled too much: Madam (said he) if you had that betwixt your legs that I have betwixt mine, you would straddle much wider.

SOme Blades being merry together; one said that all the women in such a Town were accounted Whores; a mad fellow hereupon swore he believ'd so, For his Mother, and his three Sisters were born there.

A Fellow going in the dark, held out his arms to defend his face; com∣ing against the door which stood out∣right, he run his nose against the edge thereof; whereupon he cryed out, Hey day, what a Pox is the matter, my nose was short enough just now, and is it in so short a time grown longer then my Arms.

ONe said nothing was more valiant then the Collar of a Taylors shirt, being askt the reason, because (said he) Every morning it hath a Thief by the neck.

Page  64

ONe seeing a Drawer drunk, said, that the wine was even with him; For he had pierced the Wines Hogs-head, and the Wine had pierced his.

TWo Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house, told a great many forreign storys, which a Gentleman, and a great Travel∣ler fitting by, knew to be notorous lyes, but contradicted them not; but told one of his own making, which was, that now is to be seen at S. Albans, a Stone Trough, which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use, and that ever since, if Swine should eat any thing out of it, they would dye instantly; the Jesuits hearing this, re∣solved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict: coming to St. Albans, they found no such matter; and returning home, taxt the Gentleman with telling such an untruth, saying, they had taken pains to ride and see it, but found no such thing: Gentlemen (said he) I thought you had been more civill; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lyes, and I went not about to disprove you, and I told you but one, and you by your own confession, have rid twenty miles to do it.

Page  65

A Landlord askt his Tenant how ma∣ny children she had; three said she; two of them, Will and Tom. are pretty Boys, but Diggory is a great loggerhead∣ed Lout, and in troth Landlord, methinks, he looketh as like you, as if he was spit out of your mouth.

SOme Thieves met with a man, and robb'd him of all he had, then bound him and layd him in a wood: a little after they met another, and served him in like manner, and laid him not far from the other; the first cryed out, I'me undone I'me undone; the other hear∣ing him say so, desired him to come and undoe him too, since he was undone himself.

SAys one, Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, Wheels converse, Lawyers contend, Foxes consent, Miners condis∣cend, Women conceive, Apple-Mongers consider, Milstones contrive, Rope∣makers concord, Scriveners condition, Faggoters combine, Jaylors confine, Sick-men consume, Drumms convene, Commanders conduct, Great men con∣troul, Mourners condole, Clouds con∣dense, Page  66Scholars convince, Counsellors conceal, Country fellows conjobble, Judges condemn, Friars confess, Vi∣ctors conquer, Traitors conjoin, Friends confer, Polititians consult, Cutlers con∣nive, Proud men contemn, Landlords confirm, and their Tenants confarm; Bells convoke; and thus for brevity I conclude.

A Young Gentlewoman desired an excellent Painter to draw her ex∣actly as she was, a Maid, and of the same stature, which he did according to her desire, excepting (as she said) that he had drawn her less then she was; Oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my draught had I made you any taller, or so big, for 'tis very rare in this age, to find a Maid so big, and so tall.

AMongst some women that were chatting of their Husbands: truly (said one) my Husband is the liquo∣rishest man in the world, For I had a small pot of Honey sent me out of Hampshire by a dear friend of mine, and I can no sooner turn my breech, but his Nose will be in it.

Page  67

ONe friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death, which was an honest woman, Nay had she been honest (said the other) she would never have left thee.

A Lady of great Quality had a Fe∣male Dwarf to attend on her, the excellency of whose Features, and acuteness of Wit, so engaged her La∣dies affection to her, that nothing could plead an equality or esteem within her Breast, and fearing that Death would too soon deprive her of this pretty lit∣tle Animal, one day she proposed to her a Marriage, that thereby she might by the smalness of the Issue, have her remembrance continued; but all the Ladies trouble consisted in this, that she knew not where to get an Husband so little that would sit her; Madam, [said she] take you no cae for that, I have lately been in your Ladiships Cellar, and there I found Casks of several Sizes, viz. The great Bellied Hogs-head, the slender, yet long Pipe, the little Kilterkin, and the lesser Ferkin, and yet observing their Bungholes, I found them all much about an equal wide∣ness.

Page  68

TWo Persons coming from Ireland, and Landing at Holy-Head, the one of which was a Doctor of hysick, very much Crumpt-back, the other though a Knight, yet his original was but a Post-boy, Riding on the Road, the Doctor being a very Facetious Man, observing this Knight to Ride a little too hard for him, called to him, saying, Sir, not so fast I pray, you forget your self, for you are not Riding Post at this time; The Knight hereupon turning back, looking earnestly on him, replyed, What ever I have done, I am sure you have forgotten your self, for [pointing to his back] you might have delivered your Port∣mantue to your Man, and not carried the burthen your self.

A Country Gentleman coming to London, and having never seen Guild-Hall before, was walking in it, strangely admiring that lofty, stately Structure, adorned with the lively Re∣presentations of these incomparable Persons; at Jength he accosts one, whom he saw walking with less wonder, and askt him, what the Name of the Page  69place was, and to what end it was Erected, Sir [said he] this Edifice is vul∣garly called Yeeld-Hall, where are kept three Courts, the one at this end is a Court where Law is Practised, but no Conscience; within there is a Court where Conscience is sometimes exercised, but no Law; and at the other end, in yonder Nook, there is a Court wherein is Practised neither Law nor Conscience.

A Gentleman having drank Claret exceeding hard at Lambeth, and crossing the water, nodding as he slept, he chanced to tip over into the Thames, his Friends at the sight hereof were much concern'd, and bustled to get him up, one seeing the bustle that they made, said, Let him alone, let him alone, there is no fear of his drowning, for he is too full of Wine to admit any Water.

ONe demanding of another so much mony as was due to him, told him thus very angerly, Sir, I protect I wont be thus baffled by you any longer, for if you wont pay me my Money, and that presently, take it as you please, I'le tare your Bond before your Face.

Page  70

THere was a Person lately, whom Necessity prompt to address him∣self to one of the chief Undertakers of the Kings Theatre; a Play was pro∣duced, and a great part thereof offer'd to this Young man to Read, who re∣presented the Humour so well, in a Voice so tunable, and with words so well Accented, that this ingenious Gentleman was very well pleas'd with him, but viewing his Face, which was much Pock broken, squint-eyed, with Features altogether discordant to the Stage, said, I like thy Voice, Action, and Body well, but what shall we do with that Face of thine?

Hearing another speak ill after long instruction, he Swore he need not fear Damnation, for he was confident he had no Soul.

A Chyrurgion going in the Street with more speed then ordinary, to visit a rich Patient who had a dangerous swore Leg, was met by a Friend, who askt him where he was going in that great hast, t'other made answer, To get a brave Gelding out of a Gentlemans Leg that was his Patient.

Page  71

A Soldier, who had lost one Eye in the Wars, Married a young Wench, whom he thought to find a Maid, but found out on the Nuptial Night to be otherwise, being very angry with her, he askt her why she had so served him, to which she replyed, Would you have me intire to you, when you are defec∣tive to me; pray how come you to loose that Eye, by my Foes quoth he, Then here lies the difference, [said she] I lost my Maiden-head by a Friend.

Of LOVE.
Post visum risum, post risum venit in usum,
Post risum tactum post tacium venit in actum,
Post actum factum, post factum penitet actum,
Englished Thus.
We see, we laugh, and then to feeling come,
Then action clubs unto Loves Martyr∣dome.
And when with Blood-shed we the Fort have wone,
With hanging Head we wish't had ne're been done.
Page  72

A stranger passing through the Temple early, had a Pispot discharged on his head; in his amazement, one past by; pray Sir, said he, what place do you call this? the Temple said the other, and what is done here? the other re∣plyed, that young Gentlemen Studdy the Law, I believe rather quoth he, they Study Physick, by their casting so much wa∣ter; and if I mistake not, they are a Com∣pany of Mad fellows too, for just now my head can testifie they threw their stools out of the windows.

AN old Knight requested a favour of the King, but was denyed: think∣ing that the meanness of his habit, and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success; he went home, and hav∣ing shaved all off, and drest himself a-la∣mode with a flaxen Perriwigg, re∣addresed himself to his Majesty con∣cerning the same business; his Majesty perceiving the deceit, said to him, I would be glad to gratify your desire, but it is not long since I denyed it to your Father, and it were unjust to grant the son what I denyed him.

Page  73

A Fool to a Nobleman having taken some distast, resolved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved: Great search was made after him, but none could find him; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery; there lived a Fool not far, who usally came to visit this Brother of his; who coming according to custom, they told him his Brother was lost; lost quoth he, I'le warrant you I'le find him; and thereupon went up and down every where, crying, I see yee, at length coming to a Pise of Faggots where this Fool had hid himself, he cry∣ed again, I see yee; the other hearing him, started up and cryed, No but you don't.

A Bakers boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head, chanced to hit the face of a Gentleman with the Corner of the loaf: why, how now said the Gentleman, can't you see you rude, unmannerly Rascall? you are mistaken (said the boy) don't you see I am as well bread as your self.

Page  74

A Very witty Gentleman had the misfortune to loose his Nose, I know not by what means; and passing through Fish-street, a Fishmongers boy, and a very wagg, purposely threw some water on him, pretending to wash his fish; hereupon the Gentleman grew an∣gry, and going into the shop, complains to the Master of this affront; the Master askt his servant the reason why he did so, Sir, said he, the Gentleman blew his Nose on the Fish, and I only endeavour∣ed to wash it off; Judge you Master (said the Gentleman) whether I can blow my Nose, having lost the handle of my Face.

A Meer Scholar, and an idle fellow came to this Gentleman to know whether he was qualified to be a Player; upon tryall he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuft with a parcel of learn∣ed words, without the ingredients of common sence and reason; Well young man (said he) all that I can say to thee is, that thou hast so much learning whipt into thee, that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipt out of thee again.

Page  75

ONe who all his life time was a great Droll, and full of Jokes, on his Death-bed, was visited by an inti∣mate friend, and a Physn, who for some reasons, best known to himself, put his hand into the bed to feel the Patients feet, the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him; said the Doctor, Sir, where are your feet? the Patient replyed, Mr. Doctor, the Proverb saith, after forty, either a Fool, or a Physician, and I think you are both, I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs?

A Country Bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time, made this notable observation; that there were not to be seen so many Stars in the West as in the East; this so troubled him, that he was resolved to find out the rea∣son; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the Fields, at last looking wistly to the West, he saw an exhalation fall; by and by another; then four or five together; Nay, then (said he) I shall cease to wonder that there be fewer Stars in the West, then in the East, since so many fall every night.

Page  76

A Gentleman in the late Rebellious times, as he was walking in his Chamber merrily amongst his friends, there came a Musquet Bullet through the window, and glancing against a Marble Chimny-piece, hit him on the head without any detriment, and fell at his feet, whereupon stooping, and tur∣ning the flatted bullet, he said, Gentle∣men, those formerly, who had a mind to flat∣ter, were wont to say, that I had a Good Head-piece in my younger days: but if I do not flatter my self, I think I have a good head∣piece now in my old Age, for you see it is Musket proof.

ONe seeing a bare legged fellow running; said, do you hear friend? when those stockings are worn out I will give you a new pair; you may save your self the charge Sir, said he, for they have lasted me this thirty years without re∣pair, and I question not but they will last me as much longer; I have a pair of Breeches likewise of the same stuff, and every whit as old, and yet you may see Sir, there is but one small hole in them.

Page  77

ANother Bumpkin coming to London, and staring about him, was at last pickt up by a Spirit or Kid-napper, and conveyed aboard a Virginia man; being out at See, he observed one of the Mari∣ners taking the height of a Star with his Jacobs-staff; hereupon he stole pri∣vately behind him, looking over his shoulder, thinking he was shooting; fixing his eye upon the staff, he observed the end of it pointed directly against a Star, and presently thereupon a Mete∣or fell; Gramercy man, faith (quoth the Country fellow) I see thou art abrave Marks-man, for I saw it fall, but I wonder what a Devil thou didt put in thy Gun, that I could not hear when it went off.

TWo Passing through Petty-coat Lane, where at every door is fixt a large pair of horns (the badge of their occupation) says one, I wish every Cuck∣old in London had such an one visible on his forehead, on condition I gave ten pounds for one my self; I wonder (said the other) you are so profuse, to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with.

Page  78

ONe seeing the Rump in Council; O strange, said he, what fine brave men are these! I could willingly work for such as long as I lived: what Trade are you said another? why truly (replyed he) I am a Rope-maker.

A Gentleman, none of the wisest, seeing a house very stately built, told the porter it was framed a-la-mode Italian, and asked whether it was made in England, the Porter observing his fol∣ly, said, no Sir, it was made in Florence, and brought hither by two Turky Mer∣chants.

A Lord travelling in his Coach, his horses Tiring, he was constrain'd to take an Inn, where being impatient of staying, his Fool said, my Lord, Let us go before in the Coach, and let the Horses fol∣low after.

AN old man being reproved for swearing, well says he, I am resol∣ved against it; and since I never swear but in my choler, I am resolved for the future alwayes to wear a Doublet without one.

Page  79

A Couragious Captain just as he was about to ingage, was told by some, who had rather eat then fight, that the enemy was five times their number; are they so said he, no whit dismayed? I am very glad, for then there are enough to be killed, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away.

A Boy untrussing a point by an Hedge side, his foot slipping, fell down, and beshit his breeches, Sirrah (said a merry Gentleman riding by) are you not ashamed to make a Fool of your breeches; alas Sir, (said the Boy) you make a worse of your Doublet to button up such a one in it.

SOme comforting a Fool lying on his Death-bed, told him that fur proper fellows should carry him to Church, I but (quoth he) I had rather by half go thither my self.

A Very Knave deridingly askt a ver∣tous Gentleman what was honesty, what is that to you (said he) meddle with those things which concern you.

Page  80

A Conceited pragmatical Londonor travelling to Goatam, met a poor fellow coming from thence, thinking to shew his wit, said, well met wiseman of Goatam; how far to the place of thy Nativity? I cannot deny (said the poor fellow) but that my Country is a shame to me, but you proud Londones are a shame to your Country.

MY self, and another play'd at bowls in a Bowling-Ally in Bun∣hil fields against two notable Gamesters, Mr. Prick and Mr. Cunny, and were se∣verely beaten; my partner seeing the inequality of the Match, cryed out, Prick and Cunny have been long enough toge∣ther, 'tis time to part them; choosing a∣gain, they chanced to be together; a pox or this Prick and Cunny (quoth I) they can't be kept asunder.

A Lady lifting her coats a little too high, discovered her legs above the Calf; a Gentleman observing them, said, Madam, you have a verry hand∣some pair of Twins; you are mistaken Sir, (said she) for I have had own between them.

Page  81

A Fat big bellyed Gentleman, whose Panch hung over the Pummel of his saddle, riding through a lewd Town, some cryed to him he was mistaken in carrying his Port mantle before him; to which he replyed, where should I place it safer, when I come amongst Thieves, Whores and Rogues.

ONe in a frosty morning going a shooting, desired the loan of some money from his friend, you have no need of money (said the other merrily) for if in any place you have anything to pay, you may leave your Gun to discharge the shot.

A Merry facetious Doctor being sent for to visit a Gentleman that was dangerously ill, and almost blind to boot, Sir, said his friend, how do you find him? Pish (quoth the Doctor) he, nor you need not doubt of his recovery, he is already well enough if he could-see it.

ONe askt another how he could take a kick of the Arse so patiently, Prithee (said he) because an Ass kickt me, must I kick the Ass again.

Page  82

A Simple Bumpkin yet wealthy e∣nough, coming to London, was very much taken at the sight of a Sedan, and bargained with the Bearers to car∣ry him to such a place. The Sedan-men observing the curiosity of the Clown, not sutable to the meanness of his habit, unhasped privately the bottom of the Sedan, and then put him in, taking the Sedan up, the Country man stood on the ground with his legs, and as the Bearers advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way, then the rest, that they chose to go through. This man not knowing but others us'd to be so carried, or rather driven, coming to his lodging gave them their due hire, Returning into the Country, he rela∣ted what rare things he had seen in Lon∣don, and withal, that he had been car∣ried in a Sedan. A Sedan quoth one! what is that? Why it is (said he) like our Watch-house, onely it is covered with leather, and were it not for the name of a Sedan, one had as good go on foot.

Page  83

A Gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot Custard; let a rowsing fart; to hide his shame with a jest, said he, I commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind for flying danger, for hadst thou staid, I had certainly Skalded thee to death.

A Tall Minister told a short one scoffingly, that he looked in a Pul∣pit, like a short Collar of Brawn in a dep dish; and you (replyed the other) look like a long Pestle in a shallow Mortar.

ONe Gentleman observing another take Tobacco excessively, called him a Foul Tobacco Pipe; the other readily told him he was a dinted Quart pot; the strangeness of the Metaphor striking in his mind, made him urgent to know the reason, because (said he) you seem to have more in you then you have.

IF I were unmarried said one, I should quickly marry again; marry then (quoth the other) you would still be in the same lock.

Page  84

A Barber (not the wisest of his pro∣fession) having trimed a Doctor at night, had a candle put in his hand at the stair head to light him down; have∣ing so done, he brought it up again, and returning thanks, went a way in the dark.

A Tallow Chandler dying, one said, it was strange that he who made so many weeks, could make his days no longer.

A West country Lad, better Fed then taught, was sent by his Father with a groat to Loo, a small Town in Cornwell, to buy a Hake; upon his return, his Father met him with the Fish: how now Jack, what did the Hake-vish cost thee? guess Vather; why a groat Zon; a groat quoth he: chil tell thee Vather, take the Grey Mare and Zaddle'un and ride to Loo, and buy zuch a Hake-vish for a groat, chill give the leave to kiss my arse.

I See you do all under colour (said the Glazier to the Painter seeing him at work) go your ways for a Rogue, replyed he, you are alwayes picking quarrels.

Page  85

THe same lump of ill manners sit∣ting by the fire side, was very ea∣ger with his Father to gape or yawn; which he refused; whereupon the in∣dulgent and discreet mother, cryed, Prythee yawnee, since the child will have thee yawnee, why then chill yawnee quoth he; the Son seeing that, cryed out, Mother, Mother, look yonder; is not that a vine Oven to bake a urd in?

A Farmer having placed his Son in the Temple to study the Law, came up to London to see how he did; com∣ing to his Chamber, he found in the Key-hole of the door, a note with these words, I am gone to the Devil, The poor man strangly startled, cryed out, ah my dear child, have I brought thee up so tenderly, took so much pains for thee, and at last should be so unhappy, as to cause thee to study that, which sent thee to the Devil so speedily.

ONe that had too great and good an opinion of himself, t his friend what others thought of him; why [re∣plyed he] you appear to the wise, foolish, to fools, wise, what do you think of your self?

Page  86

ONe told a Gentlewoman, whorish and barren, that she was very Fruit∣full; how can that be Sir, [said she] since I never had any Children? That's nothing, Madam, [said he] nevertheless you bear many.

A Gentleman being a great distance from his own house, and having very urgent reasons for his speedy re∣turn, rid Post, having Supt, and being in Bed with his wife, he said, Dearest, ex∣cuse me to Night that I pay not that tribute due to our loves; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep: these words were none of the most plea∣sant you may think to a young sanguine Gentlewoman, after a long absence of a lusty, Husband. Not long after, walking in his back-yard with his wife in his hand, he chanced to see a Cock [he took great delight in] siting in the Sun a∣sleep, rejecting the society of his fruit∣ful Wives: prythee sweet heart [said he] what ails my Cock, that he thus hangs the head, and follows not the Hens? In∣deed I do not know husband [said she] un∣less he hath lately ridden post.

Page  87

AN ignorant Country fellow, ha∣ving as he thought, bestowed some learning on his Son, would needs place him at the University and to see it done, goes with him; as they were sitting in the Kitchin, the youth espyed a long Kettle amongst the rest, Pray Father [says he] what is that Kettle for? Introth Son [said he] I never saw such a one in all my life before; but I suppose it is that when they would have two several broths, they put the Fish in one end, and the flesh in the other: the Boy hearing this, makes answer, O the Devil lye you Father.

IT being left to the choice of a Gen∣tlewoman, which she would have of two Suiters, a tall man, or a short one, which were both liked of her Parents; Pawsing a while, I would have [said she] that Lusty long man, if all things are pro∣portionable.

ONe said, a covetous man was never sa∣tisfied; why so [said his friend] Be∣cause [replyed he] he thinks nothing e∣nough. Why then [said the other] he is satisfied with the least, if nothing be enough for him.

Page  88

A Notable merry Soldier finding a Louse one day on his sleeve, walk∣ing to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air, took him between his fingers, and said, Sirrah, take notice, if I ever catch you out of your Quarters again, you shall die, and so put him into his Coller.

A Captain in the last expedition a∣gainst the Hollander, having lost an eye by a splinter, the other ever af∣ter was distempered, and continually water'd; a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which was left, wept so much? Alas [said he] how should it do otherwise, having lately lost his only Brother and constant companion.

TWo men walking through a Church-yard, one of them affirm∣ed, that Hell was nothing else but a Grave, for Shoal in the Hebrew, signi∣fies the Grave, though it is translated Hell; the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst Wife, Pointing to her Grave, said, then one of the greatest Devils in Hell lies there.

Page  89

ONe was jesting with his Maid∣servant, who was passably hand∣som, but very lean; saying, I wonder Jane thou art no fatter, thou dost eat thy meat heartily, but dost not thrive upon it; thy Mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost, and yet you see how plump she looks; to which she replyed I only eat at set meals, but my Mistress hath her strong broths before din∣ner, and her warm jellies after dinner, and puts more into her belly then you or I ever saw, or heard of.

A Rich Citizen had a profuse extra∣vagant to his Son, who so angered his Father, that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor; in a little time this Son, with Dice and Box, Whores and Pox, had spent all; where∣upon he told his Father, that he might now give all his estate to him, and not violate his vow, for he could not give it to one poorer then himself.

A Little Boy sitting with his Grand∣mother, by the fire side in the win∣ter time, as she lifted up her coats to Page  90warm her thighs; he espyed somthing between her legs, and would fain know what it was; It is [said she] a Rabbet∣skin, that your Mother brought me from Mar∣ket; what, and have you burnt a hole in't Cranny? [says he?]

AN ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the Pulpit, instead of saying, the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for apeace offering, read he offered up a pair of Gloves with a piece of Fringe.

AT another time he took his Text [being much in dept,] Have pati∣ence with me, and I will pay you all; having largely and learnedly treated of the ver∣tue of patience, especially in forbearing our Deptors here; but of the rest [said he] when God shall enable me.

THe Reader being sick, he was for∣ced to officiate in his place, and resolving to give some of the Grandees a rub, who had offended him, he turned to that Psalm wherein are these words, Man without understanding is like the Beast that perisheth, instead thereof, reads man without understanding, is like the best of the Parish.

Page  91

A Gentleman reprehended a Lawyer for tarrying so long in the Country from his wife, who had a fame so temp∣ting, saying, that in his absence she might want due benevolence. That's nothing said the Lawyer, I will give her use at my return for her forbearance: besides Sir, put the Case that any one owed you fifty pounds, whether would you have it altogether, or shilling by shilling? It is true [said the other] one would ra∣ther have ones money altogether; yet it would vex you, if in your absence your Wife should want a shilling, and she be forced to borrow it.

A Gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in Hunting; one day he came hastily into his friends cham∣ber, [being serious at his study] and askt him if he would go and find a Hare: Pish [said the other] let me alone, let them go and find Hairs that have lost them.

IN the Kingdom of Ireland a Noble∣man having an Irish man to his Foot∣man, sent him four or five miles on a Page  92message, charging him to return by suh an hour, the Footman went in all haste; but in his return his Brogue wanted mending, which caused him not to return according to the time; his Master being angry, demanded the rea∣son of his tarrying; By my soul [quoth he] I did stay but while I had a heel-piece set upon my Toe.

A Country Woman sent her Daugh∣ter to a Lady with a Present of ripe Meddlers, Well-bred said that her Mother had sent her worship some ripe Meddlars, that were as soft as Bran, but if she did not eat them quickly, they would not be worth one fart, for they were already as rotten as a Turd, The Lady being offen∣ded at this Wenches rude behavior, re∣solved to tell her Mother, meeting her one day after, and having Thankt her for her Present; she advised to teach her Daughter more manners; Ah (re∣plyed she,) let me do what I will, I cannot mend her; and notwithstanding I have taught her from time to time, how she should behave her self, yet she hath no more manners then there is in mine Ase.

Page  93

A Country Parson having bitterly inveyed against the Vices of his Parishioners in his Sermon; a silly Wo∣man that was present, went to his Mo∣ther that lived hard by to complain of him, saying, that her Son had threatned them all with Hell and Damnation, if they did not speedily amend; for my part I have lived above threescore years, and was never told so much before, neither will I be taught now by one, and I am old enough to be his Grandmother. O said his Mother he was a Lyer from his Cradle, I never whipt him but for telling an untruth, and you are mad if you believe him now.

AN ignorant prating Host had bar∣gained with a humerous Painter for the Sign of St. George and the Dra∣gon, whilst he was at work, his Host being Importunate with the Painter to draw St. George with a dreadful Killing countenance, repeating this request over and over again, which so madded the Painter, that leaving his work said, Mine Host, either be silent, and leave your babling, or the Devil take my wife, if I do not make the Dragon kill St. George.

Page  94

A Welsh-man riding with a charge of mony behind him, was set upon by a Thief, who bade him deliver im∣mediately; or [drawing a Pistol] said, he would make it bounce through him; says her so, said the Welshman, why then her had better give her money, that is her Masters, and spare her Life, that is her own, and there upon delive∣red. Now pray Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good natured Thief, to satisfy the Curiosity of the Welshman, [whom he lookt on as a ve∣ry silly fellow] discharged his Pistol, which Ecchoed in many places, Cuds splutter nails [said the Welshman] it was a gallant Pounce, and there was many little pounces too; good her Ʋrship let her have one pounce more for her money, and her will be satisfied: So the Thief discharged the other; at which the Welshman seem'd better pleased then before, and askt if he had no more pounces; no said the Thief, I have no more. No [said the Welshman] then her has one pounce in store, which her will make pounce through her im∣mediately Page  95if her deliver not her money back presently, and so forced the Thief to re∣deliver.

AN arch roguish fellow one day got together a parcel of Rams-Horns, and putting them in a Basket, went up and down London streets in the Month of March, crying, six pence a pound fair Cherrys, six pence a pound fair Cherrys; Many called to him; amongst the rest, a Hosier in Cheap-side, who see∣ing what ware he had in his Basket, laught at him, saying, Thou fool, who dost think will buy thy Horns? Oh Sir (said he) though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.

A Drunken young Heir, who had sold all his Lands to maintain his lusts, when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper, sent for a Phisici∣an, who understanding his Disease, cau∣sed him to be let blood; sometime af∣ter looking on the blood; Sir (said he) your blood is very green: alas replyed the young Heir, how can it be otherways, I have drank and eaten all my Corn-fields and Mea∣dows.

Page  96

ONe Mr. Holland got his Landla∣dies maid with Child whose name was Nell Cotton; whereupon one wit∣tily said, That he gave her a yard of Hol∣land, she gave him an ell of Cotton, and what harm was there in all this.

A Poor Cripple being askt by a Gen∣tleman why he Married a Blind Woman, because [said he] we shall agree the better, for neither can hit each other in the teeth with one anothers infirmity.

A Rich farmer dying intestate, his Son came up to London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate; but being ignorant of the cus∣toms and terms belonging to the Spiri∣tual Courts, he went first to an ac∣quaintance of his, telling him, that his Father dyed detestate, leaving onely him, and three or four small infidels, and there∣fore he was devised to come up to London to a Councellour of the Law, that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate.

Page  97

A Conceited Person after he had writ several verses in praise of his Mistress, beginning first with her head, and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet, missing no part but her Neck; O [said one] there is a great reason for that, he reserves the Neck-verse for himself; knowing e shall have occasion for it hereafter.

A Very simple fellow, walking in the fields alone, came to a ditch, and pusing a while; now Tom [said the] what dost think, canst leap over this ditch or no, troth [said he to himself] I can't tell, but if thou wilt Johnson [which was his Sur-name] I will lay the five shillings I do; a match, and presently takeing a good run, with the advantage of the banck, he leaped quite over. Ah! Boys [said he] I have wou, but now Johnson, wilt thon lay another, thou canst not leap back again? Faith that's very difficult; but hang it I have won a Crown, and I will venter it that I do; then taking a run as before, he leapt just in the middle, up to the waste in mire and water; and crawling out on the o∣ther side, Hang it [says he] I don't much care, I have neither won nor lost.

Page  98

AN ignorant Clown, who had the reputation of being a great Scholar in the Country, because he could wright and read, would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of London: walking the streets, he read on a Sign-post, here are Horses to be let 1674. Jesu [quoth he] if there are so many horses in one Inn, how many are there then in all this City?

A Gentleman [who never had the least acquaintance with wounds] in a Tavern Skirmish received a small scratch with a sword, who instantly made a hideous noise for a Chyrurgeon: F. M. was sent for, who presently per∣ceiving the fright was greater then the hurt, pretended notwithstanding [for sports sake,] great danger, and therefore bid his man withall possible speed to run and fetch him such Salve, why [quoth the Gentleman] Is the wound so dangerous? Oyes, [answered this witty Chyrugeon] For if he returns not the sooner, the wound will heal of it self, and so I shall lose my fee.

Page  99

A Petulant Doctor of Physick lay in a house, where there lived a Maid ignorant enough, but extreamly hand∣some, fresh out of the Country; this Doctor used all means immaginable to win her to a Venereal compliance, but nothing would prevail, neither fair words, nor large presents; resolving to accomplish his design some way or o∣ther, he thought of this Stratagem; looking one day very seriously (and seemingly sorrowful) in her counte∣nance, Alas poor Betty [said he] and must I now lose thee? What do you mean Sir, said she? I will tell thee, replyed the Doctor, before it go too far: thou art breeding of Eggs: How can that be quoth she, very easily said he, and thereupon so subtilly invaded her belief with I know not what stuff, neatly wrapt up in fine words, that she verily believed i, and askt him how she must be cured; said the Doctor, come to my Chamber after dinner, and I will endeavour to cure thee; thanking him, she promised she would, and was as good as her word; the Doctor had somthing to do at first, to get her to lie down, saying, Page  100that her Eggs must be broken, or she could not be cured; but at length she yielded, and with his natural Probe he searcht her grief three or four times; having so done, he told her, that though he had broken some, yet there were more to break, and therefore bid her come again to morrow; which she did, and so he did as before; she now liked the manner of her cure so well, that she came of her own accord, till the Doctor growing weary, told her that her Eggs were now all broken; not so Mr. Do∣ctor, I am sure said she, for there are at least two or three to break still; well says the Doctor, I'e break them, and it is a Cure: having so done, she went a way well satisfied; a little while after her Mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place, askt her what was the matter; indeed Mistress said she I know not, unless I am breeding of more Eggs; what do'st mean, quoth her Mistress? why forsooth (said she) a little while a goe I was with Egg, and certainly I had dyed, if our good Doctor had not cured me, by breaking of them; hey day, sure the Wench is mad, quoth her Mistress: no but I am not said the Maid, for I am sure on't for when he broke the Eggs, I saw the whites.

Page  101

A Country man having never seen a Ship, came to the Custome-house∣key; where seeing so many wonders, he chanced to ask a Dutchman what that was called, pointing to a great Ship; ich queet neet; and what do you call that, said he pointing to a less: ich queet neet, said he again (that is, I understand not) hey day (said the Country fellow) are there great Queet neets, and little Queet neets too? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship; he askt how old it was? It is two years old said one, How (said the fellow) and so bigg already? Lord what a huge Masty thing it will be by that time it is as old as I am.

A Gentleman that lived in Ireland was askt by another that had ne∣ver seen the Country, what kind of wo∣men there were in Ireland, Sir, said he, the Women are generally straight, clear skinned, and well proportioned, but that their middles are a little to bigg, for want of Swathing when young; I; said the other, and I have heard that their leggs are monstrously bigg too, Pish, said he, we lay them aside.

Page  102

A Conceited pragmatical, coming into a mixt company, talked incessantly; and to show his wit and learning, sing∣led out one whose countenance promi∣sed little, yet an excellent Scholar, and askt him many frivolous questions, which he answered very slightingly, or replyed to them nor at all, this Prag∣matico grew to that impertinence as to ask him, whether he had ever learned his Grammer? yes, said he, I have read Despauters; to try you said the other, his second Rule is this, Esto faeminium recepit qu faemina tantum. Now said he, Mater, cujus generis, (Mother, what Gen∣der is it) to which the other replyed, Mater si mea sit est faeminini generis, si tua est communis; Mother, if mine is the fe∣minine, if thine the common.

ONe seeing on a Coffee sign written, here is Coffee and Mum to be sold, said it was good Ryme; how can that be said the other? why thus said he,

Here is Coffee
And Mum to be
SOLD.

Page  103

A Young Gentleman being much addicted to play, was sharply re∣buked for it by his relations, and that availing little, a Minister was sent to him, who told him, that Play, or Game∣ing was the worst of vices; nay, there you are out, said the other, for it is a remedy against all vices; and particu∣larly against the Seven deadly Sins; for how can you call him a covetous man, that can't indure to keep his money in his pocket? or how can you call him a luxurious, who is content to lose his sleep and victuals, if he had an oportu∣nity to play? how can you call him cho∣lerick, when he is the patientest man living when not out-hectored? how can you call him a Glutton or Drun∣kard? when he shall not spair that mo∣ney from play, that will purchase a good dinner with a bottle of wine? how can he be said to be slothful and negli∣gent, when his hands and feet are alwayes inaction? the one beating the hoof through the whole Town, to get employment for the other; Lastly, how can he be said to be a proud man, when having lost five pound among Gentle∣men, Page  104he will condescend to play for brass farthings with Apprentices.

A Gentleman possessed with an ex∣traordinary good nature, lent a∣nother forty shillings for his good com∣pany's sake, never expecting a return, knowing his inability. After the loan of this money, this Ingrateshun'd the society of his Creditor; and if he saw him in the streets, straight hastned ano∣ther way; which this Gentleman took notice of, one time seeing him, he made after him; and catching him by the arm, said; Why shun you me, was I not your friend, wherein have I disobliged you, that I should not be so still; if the dept hath made any difference, I forgive it you, and assure your self I will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come.

ONe reading a Witty Preface before a foolish book, said, he very much admired, they should come to be so matched together, In troth Sir [said an∣other] they may be very well matched to∣gether, for they are nothing of kin.

Page  105

A Very honest and prudent Gentle∣man had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light; one day return∣ing home, he went up the stairs, and found his Chamber door open, entring, he caught his Wife and the Adulterer (who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else) in the very act; the Gentleman seemingly unmov'd, said, Wife, Wife, Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my re∣putation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness: Sure in a business, that so nearly concerns us both, you might have shut the door; I pray consider, what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture; and so went and left them; the mild∣ness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman, that she e∣ver after abhorred the thought of en∣joying any other man but her hus∣band.

MR. Field, that was but an under∣graduate; meeting Doctor Col∣lins, Saluted him thus, Salve colendissime Collins, to which he replyed, Salve Ager tolende.

Page  106

A Captain (whom I shall forbear to name) in the last engagment a∣gainst the Duch, had his Arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder; as he was dressing, he fell a laughing; one standing by, askt him the reason, why (said he) I can't but think of a wish that I have often made, viz. that my P— were as long as my arm, and now introth so it is.

A Frenchman that spoke very broken English, bespoke a dish of Fish, being on the Table & seeing but little Pepper, by the corruption of his pronunciati∣on, he called for more Piss instead of Spice, the woman took away the dish, and did as she thought he bid her, and brought it in again; I say, said he, a little more Piss, with that she carried it out and her daughter pist upon it, and then brought it in; but he still cryed a little more Piss; well Sir, said she, I will warrant you shal have enough now, and then carried it to her Maid, a strap∣ing Girle, but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied, and cryed out for more Piss, Well Sir, let me tell you, I, my Daughter, and Maid-servant have all pist as much as we can Page  107upon it, and if that will not satisfy you, even piss upon it your self.

A Notable Joking man lying sick on his death bed, left out his Wife in his Will, her friends hearing thereof, came and prest him to leave his wife somewhat more then the cus∣tom of the City will allow her; I will said the Sick man, send presently for a Scrivener, for I am just upon departing; the Scrivener being come, he said, write, I leave my wife ah, ah, ah; oh he is dying said his wife apace; I do (said the sick) I say, I leave my wife, alas, alas, alas, come pray Sir said the Scrivener, what do you leave your wife; Why then, I say, I leave my wife the greatest C in Christendom.

TWo Comedians acting upon the Stage the parts of Servingmen; one askt the other to go drink, whither shall we go said one; the other reply∣ed (espying a fellow groping a Wench in the Gallery) let us go to the Hand in Placket; thereupon the fellow sneakt away his hand; which the other perceiving, cryed out; ay friend, if you remove the sign, we shall hardly find the house.

Page  108

A Person not belonging to the Col∣ledge, put in his horse in a Field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the Master of that Colledge sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his Tail: say you so said this Person? go tell your Master, if he cuts off my horses Tail, I will cut off his ears; the Servant returning, told his Master what he said, whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, said the Master, how now Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me? Sir; (said the other) I threatned you not, for I only said, if you did cut off my horses tail, I would cut off his ears, not yours Sir, but my horses.

ONe having got the drunken Hic∣cock by drinking Aqua Celestis, Rosa Solis, Aqua Angelica, and the like, this it is [says he] to be too forward in under∣standing such latine as these waters are call'd by, that a man must afterwards be put to declin Nouns with the Articles hic, hoc, when he hath not English enough to bring himself to bed.

Page  109

ONe seeing a Scholar that lookt very much asquint, Sure (said he) this man must be more learned then his fellows, for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once.

ONe that had a very great head like a Great thick rin'd Orange, but no juice within it, was reprehended for speaking 〈◊〉Well (said he) it is not for want of gnorance that 〈◊〉 sek nonsence.

A Son of a whore, and a Son for a whore, was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was, calling the rest Cuckoldly Bastards, I am sure (said he) I am no son of a Cuckold, for my Father was never married.

A Monkey being tyed on a Mastiffs back, the Dog run away, which an old woman seeing, cryed out, Well rid I protest young Gentleman.

A Young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife, I'le tell you [quoth he] let me see her coun∣tennee.

Page  110

A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune Sir, (said he) let me stand be∣bind your back and I will play you a Tune never played before.

ONe looking on a Picture, said, this must needs be an excellent Art, who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered.

A Woman lying sick to death, desi∣red her husbands leave to make her will; That needs not [said he,] you have had your will all your life time, and would you have your will when you are dead too.

ONe was wont to say, that in Europe there were neither Scholars enough Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough; one time it was answered him, that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity; whereupon he replyed, If there were Scholars enough, so many would not be double or trebble beneficed; if Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants would not be rekoned among the Gentry; and if Jews enough, so many Christians would not profess Ʋsury.

Page  111

ONe askt another what he would give for his Sow and Pigs; nothing [quoth he] For the Sow, and less for the Pigs; if you will take that, bring 'um in.

GEo. Withers having writ a Poem, in which he predicted the continuance of a free State, and called it, the Per∣petual Parliament; a little after the Par∣liament was dissolved, and a Gentleman meeting the said Mr. Withers, told him he was a pitiful Prophet, and a pitiful Poet, otherwise he had not wrote such pitiful pre∣dictions, for a pitiful Parliament.

HƲgh Peters meeting Col. Hewson, merrily said to him, how now son, where's your blessing? Hewson not well conceiving what he said, askt what he meant, why (quoth Hugh) I mean to teach you your duty; know you not who I am, I am Hugh, and as I take it, you are Hughs son.

ONe being askt when was the best time to take a journy? The other replyed, when you have a good horse, mony good store in your purse, and good company.

Page  112

A Country fellow seeing a man standing in the Pillory for forge∣ry, with his fact legibly written before him, with hundreds about him; the Clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there? One askt him, whether he could read? Not I in faith, I can neither read, nor write, said he; then you are a Dunce said the other, not to read at those years: now since you are so igno∣rant, I'le tell you why that fellow stands in the Pillory, it is for counter∣feing mens hands to which the Coun∣try fellow replyed; a Plague on you for a company of proud Knaves; you had need to brag so much of your learning, you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to.

ONe askt another what a fine gawdy Whore was like; the other, who much delighted in Similes, said, she was like a Squirel; the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison, askt him how he made that out, It is plain (said the other) for she covers her whole body with her tail.

Page  113

A Citizen askt a Painter what excel∣lent peices he had drawn of late; only one estimable, which is the picture of Acte on turned into a hart, and hunted by his Hounds, so lively protrayed, that every one who saw it, said, It was a Ci∣tizen pursued by Serjeants.

AN Apothecary was drank to by one in the company, who said, Bro∣ther, here's to you; the proud Apothe∣cary askt him upon what account he called him Brother? quoth the other, We are Brothren by Trade; for I understand you are an Apothecary, and I am a Slop∣seller.

A Gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time, was salut∣ed with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese, which looked as thin and as crooked as the Moon in her last quarter; the Gentle man encouraged his friend to eat, by saying it was sent him as a pre∣sent from an accomplisht Lady at Wind∣sor; I thought it came from Windsor said the other when I saw it so near Eaton.

Page  114

ONe said he Sung as well as most men in Europe, and thus he proved it, the most in Europe doe not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe.

ONe of the Rump-Parliament com∣plained of the great quantity of Rain that fell, What unreasonable men you Parliament are (said a stander by) you would neither have God Rain, nor the King.

ONe askt another which was the best way to run from a Bayliff, In troth (said he) I think the best way is to run him through.

TWo Barbers meeting in Easter∣week, the one askt the other if he had a good Eve on't, In troth, said the other, I think it was the worst Eve that ever came since Adam.

A Flat nosed Fellow (who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a Covent-Garden distemper) going to Old∣street, snuffling, askt one which was the way to Rotten-row? the other replyed, follow your nose.

Page  115

ONe being invited with his Wife and Daughter to dinner on a Sabbath day, brought along with him two little Dogs, coming to the house, he thus saluted the Invitor with this comple∣ment, Sir, do you want any bold guests? I have brought my whole family with me, my self and two Bitches, my Wife and Daugh∣ter.

A Very merry and quibbling Lady cutting up a Pigg at dinner, askt a Gentleman whom she had often out∣witted, whether he loved Pigg, and whether she should help him to some? I thank you Madam (said he) I love nothing that comes from a Sow.

AN old griping Citizen dying, left a fair Revenue to his Son, who as profusely spent it, as his Fa∣ther had carefully raked it together: one day growing angry with his Coach∣man for driving no faster, called to him, saying, drive faster, or I'le come out and kick you to the Devil; Sir, said the Coachman, I protest if you do, I'le there tell your Father, how extravagantly you now spend that Estate he left you.

Page  116

A Gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely Woman, she dying, he Married one that was ill fea∣tured, and worse formed, being ex∣tremly crooked; a friend of his tak∣ing notice of his extravagant choice, reproved him, saying, I wonder Sir where your eyes were when you made this choice; alas, said the other, it was not so much a choice of mine, as a gift, a bended token sent me by providence: said the other, I am sorry for it, I am sure your former wife was a brave no∣ble woman; it is true said the other, and now you may see how time makes waste, I have brought that Noble to Nine∣pence.

TErm being ended, three Country Attorneys travelling homewards, overtook a Carter; being on the merry pin, they fell a jeering him, asking him how his fore horse became so fat, and the rest so lean? The Carter (knowing them to be Attorneys) replyed, my fore-horse is a Lawyer, and the rest are his Clients.

Page  117

A Youth standing by whilst his Father was at play, observing him to loose a great deal of money, burst out into tears, his Father askt him the reason why he wept: O Sir, I have read that Alexander the great wept when e heard his Father Philip had conquered a great many Towns, Citys, and Countryes, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; but I wept the contrary way, fearing, if you continue this course, you will leave me no∣thing to lose.

A Gentleman carryed his friend down into the Cellar to give him the Civility thereof; his friend ob∣serving there was no seat there for him to sit on, askt what was his reason for so doing? Because, said he, I will have no man that comes hither, drink longer then he can stand.

THe question being askt, which were the greatest wonders in the world; it was answered, Womens and Law∣yers tongues, because they did alwayes lye, yet never lye still.

Page  118

A Fellow and a Wench taken one evening suspitiously in a Pownd together, were by the Constable com∣mitted, and the next morning brought before a Justice; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence, the Justice called the Wench aside, and pro∣mised her faithfully, if she would con∣fess the fact as guilty, she should go unpunished for that time. By his sub∣tle insinuation she confessed the truth, whereupon the Justice commended her, and sent the fellow to Prison: at length as she was taking her leave (thinking her self at liberty) the Justice called her back, and askt her what the fellow had given her for her consent, she told him (if it pleased his worship) he had given her half a crown. Truly Woman, said the Justice, that doth not please my Worship; For though for thy fornica∣tion I have acquitted thee, yet for thy ex∣tortion I must of force commit thee, for tak∣ing half a crown in the Pownd: and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company.

Page  119

ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen that he was promised by them a Lease of the next house that fell; to whom another replyed, Had it been my case, I should have petitioned ra∣ther for a house that stood.

ONe said, if he was to choose his Prison, it should be Ludgate, be∣cause none came thither but they had their freedom.

THere are three sorts of Cuckholds, Solifidians and Nullifidians, the first is one and none, and he wears Asses ears, and hath this Motto at his Coat,

Crede quod habes, & habes.
The second is none and one, he hath Goats horns for his Coat, with this Motto,

Non videmus id mantice quod in tergo est.

The third is one and one, and bears Rams horns, with this Motto,

Non nobis solem nati sumus.

Page  120

A Gentleman not long since coming by a Goldsmiths shop, saw therein a delicate lovely Woman, whom (as she was) he supposed to be the Mistress of the house, and that he might delight his eyes, with a less suspected freedome, he went into the shop, and desired to see some Jewels, Rings, Lockets, &c. but having satisfied his fancy for the present, by inspecting that charming heart in flaming countenance, he bought onely a trifle, and went his way, but with a resolution to return. Several times he came to the shop after this manner, so that at length he became indifferently acquainted with the man and his wife. Having thus got into their acquaintance, he one day came to the Good Man, and showing him a very rich Jewel, he desired the loan of fifty pound thereon for a Month, it was granted him, in some little time after, he watcht his opportunity when the old Gentleman was abroad, and went to the house, where he spared neither for cost nor courtship to win this Gentlewoman to a compliance to his desires, having well warm'd her with wine he attempted the violation of her cha∣stity, Page  121by all the subtle stratagems and weils a young Italian can invent in the prosecution of his first Amours; but seeing none of these would take, he offered her the fifty pound he had re∣ceiv'd of her Husband, saying, that he would freely give it her for one single Amorous encounter, which proffer, like Joves Golden shower on Danae, wrought its desired effect. Having consummated what he so passionately desired in cool blood, he began to consider what a rash act he had done; the Gentlewoman on the other side, having got so rich a Booty, with a deal of pleasure to boot, fearing least this serious consultation with him∣self, might produce some mischief, she hastened him to be gone, fear∣ing least her Husband should come, who might by seeing him there, justly suspect some foul Play in his absence. No, no, said the Gentleman, (having studied a cunning Plot) let him come, I have bethought my self of a way that shall prevent all suspition in him, he had no sooner said the words, but the Husband came up the stairs, at his approach this Gentleman stept to him, saying, Sir, I thank you for your late Page  122kindness in lending me that fifty pound; I have received moneys soon∣er than I expected it, wherefore I have brought it you, and paid it to your Wife, therefore Sir, pray let me have my Jewel; The Goldsmith askt his Wife if it were so, she seeing it was but a folly to deny it, (she having then the mony about her) said she had received such a Sum of the Gentleman, hereupon the Jewel was delivered, but who by the loan and use of the mony was the Gaine, I will leave it to any one to judge.

A Rich Citizen of London, in his Will, left something considerable to Christ-Church Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons, at the Funeral the Blew-coat-boys were ordered (in acknowledgment of so great a gift) to Sing before the Corps to the Grave; as they marcht through Cheap-side, this extravagant Son led his Mother, who observing the Boys make a rest, he opened his pipes in that manner, that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other, and still leading his Mo∣ther, Page  123he continued thus Singing, till a Kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, askt him his reason for his irreverent and undecent carriage, why Goodman Couzen (quoth this ne're be good) the Boys there at my Fathers Death sing for something, and wont you let me sing for nothing.

ONe seeing one Summer a great Drinker walking in the beginning of the Spring, said, One Swallow doth not make a Summer: But I know (quoth the other) one Summer makes a great many Swallows.

WHen the City of London was in a manner Rebuilt, a Countrey∣man came up to see a Friend that had been burnt out, who amongst other discourse, made a grievous complaint of his own particular loss, and after that, he insisted on the loss of a City so brave and glorious; As to your own loss, (said the Countryman) I am sorry for it, but as to the loss of your City, I know not what to say, for who would be grieved at having a fine new Suit instead of an old one.

Page  124

A Gentleman of the Temple was in∣formed that his Father was dead in the Country, which News troubled him very much, not knowing how he had left his Estate, a friend of his see∣ing him in this sad condition, bid him clear up, saying, If your Father hath left you a good Estate, you have but small cause to grieve; and if he hath left you nothing, who would grieve for such a Father.

TWo discoursing immediately after the Fire, about the enlarging of the Streets upon the Rebuilding the City, he that had much ground said, that it was not requisite the Streets should be enlarged, fearing he should be a loser thereby, Pish (said the other) to what purpose was the City Burnt, but that the Streets might be made larger.

ONe speaking of the Fire, said, Ca∣non-street Roar'd, Milk-street was burnt too, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Bread-street was burnt to a Coal, Pudding-Lane and Pye-Corner were over-Baked, and Snow-hill was melted down.

Page  125

ONe who had a damnable Scold to his Wife, being continually pla∣gued with the clack of her Tongue, wished one day in her hearing, that she was in Heaven; she knowing by that saying, that he was desirous to be rid of her; in a great rage she told him, That she had rather see him hang'd first.

MR. Sm— a Constable, carrying a Big-belly'd Wench before a Ju∣stice, said very seriously, An't please your Worship, I have brought here before you a Maid with Child; the Wench there∣upon call'd him Knave and Fool, being reprooved by the Justice, she answered thus, Sir, this Constable must needs be one of the two, for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I am with Child; and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for so saying.

A School-Boy being to Construe that in Terence, Ventum erat ad Vestae, rendred it thus, Ventum the wind erat was Veste in the West, at which the School-master laughing, said, it was then high time to hoist up Sail, and so untrust the Boy, and trimm'd his Pin∣nace.

Page  126

A Young New-Married Woman in the heat of Blood, about the lat∣ter end of July, after Dinner, desired her Husband to go up Stairs and play with her, he knowing her meaning, and being unprepared for such pastime, excused himself, saying, that the Dog∣days were very unwholesome for such Recreations; At Night being in Bed with him, she desired him to lie closer, for though (said she) there be Dog∣days, yet I never heard of Dog-nights.

A Smock-fac'd young Vintner that was hardly Twenty, came before the Chamberlain of London to be made Free, who seeing him so young, scrup∣led at it, asking what age he was, I am Sir (said he) four and Twenty; that's strange (said the Chamberlain) I have seen a Face of eighteen look more Elder, 'tis likely so Sir (said he very discreetly) he that made him look so old, though so young, is able you see, to make me look so young, though so old, as I have told your Worship.

Page  127

A Parrot belonging to a Person of quality, whose goodly Gar∣den lay contiguous to the Thames, had learnt from the quarrelling of the Foot-boys at Play in the Hall where the Cage Hung, this frequent Oath a∣mongst them, Zouns, what do ye mean; The Parrot being not well, was order∣ed to be discaged, and carried into the Garden, where getting into a Tree, he was not at quiet (laughing as he cli∣med) till he had got to the very top, as he stood perching and rejoycing, a Kite soaring aloft, espied him, won∣dering of what Country he should be by the strangeness of his Habit, flew round and round for the advantage of a View, at length supposing him some forreign Spie, sent to betray the English Commonwealth of Birds, he came di∣rectly down and seized him in his poun∣ces, and without further delay, fell a taring his Green jerkin off his back; the Parrot suspecting not any danger, and being unaccustomed to such rude and uncivil dealing, cryed out, Zouns, what d'ye mean? Zouns, what d'ye mean? repeating the words often with a Tone Page  128unusual; some Servants took the A∣larme, and with stones, chasing away the Kite, the Parrot shfted for his safe∣ty, by coming down immediately, by which means was preserved.

A Country Curate coming to Oxford to take his Degree of Master of Arts, was askt by the Head of the house (whereof this Parson was a small Mem∣ber) how he durst, being so green, to enter himself into the Ministry, the Curate answered, Because the Lord hath need of me, the other replyed, I never heard the Lord had need of any thing but an Ass.

A Young Deacon being to be made Minister, the Bishop in his exa∣mination put him to construe that verse of Seneca the Tragaedian,

Cure leves Loquuntur, ingentes stupeat.

He did it thus; Cura leves little Curages, Loquuntur do preach, ingentes great Bi∣shops, stupeat do hold their peace.

Page  129

A Gentleman complain'd to his friend, and said the City was the most insufferable place to live in in the world, and his reason was, because he was accustomed to rise very early, at which time he could find never a fellow to be drunk with, but I'le reme∣die that, said he, (that being his word) by going to Sea, where I shall find at all hours those with whom I was drunk over night, and was as good as his word; returning from Sea, he met with a Wench, whom he carried to his Chamber, and lay with her all night, in the Morning this impudent Prosti∣tute demanded her reward for quiffing; how, how, Huzzie, said he, profit and pleasure too, that is too much at one time; this would not satisfie her, but she told him plainly, if he did not give her something, she would make a di∣sturbance in the house, though she was sent to Bridewell for her pains; say you so (said he) I'le remedy that; you are mistaken in me, wherefore get you gone, I am no incourager of Leachery, and I scorne Vice should receive a re∣ward from me.

Page  130

A Young Gentleman (lately) of the Temple, having more Wit than Mony, and minding not his Chamber, Study, nor Commons, was indebted to the House, and it was ordered there∣upon, that his Chamber should be seiz∣ed; he hearing thereof, cry'd, I'le re∣medy that I am resolv'd, and so pre∣sently went and took his Chamber∣door off the Hinges, and lockt it up in his Closet; the Officers coming to fix a Padlock thereon, found themselves disappointed, and searching the Room, found not any thing worth the seizure.

IN Magdalene Colledg in Oxford, it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every Schollers door, that is of the Foundation, knocking loudly, and crying, Pars a quinta (which signifies a quarter after five a Clock) and warns them all to prayers, one hearing this related, said, doth he knock at every door? yes said the other; then replies the other, he had need to rise at three of the clock to cry Pars a quinta.

Page  131

A School-master asked one of his Schollers in the Winter time what was Latin for Cold; O Sir, an∣swered the Lad, I have that at my fingers ends.

A Scholler hearing a Begging Sol∣dier complain that his stones were cut out at the Isle of Rea, thus be∣moan'd him;

Ille dolet vere, qui sine teste dolet.

A Traveller coming into a Tavern, and calling for Grecian Wine, the woman brought him some of her own Wine, he tasting it, and perceiv∣ing her guile, said, he would have none of that wine, for it tasted of the Cask.

A Gentleman being at the Table, where was a very sat wild Duck, he said he thought The Duck was Cramb∣ed; at which the rest laughing, asked him who should Cramb it? he an∣swear'd them, The man in the Moon.

Page  [unnumbered] Page  133

FORREIGN JESTS: Witty Reparties, &c.

HEnry the Fourth, commonly called Henry the Great, riding one day near Paris, espyed an ancient man with a coal black Beard, but the hair of his Head was as white as milk: This mighty Prince having a mind to divertise himself, caused this old fellow to be brought before him, and then ask'd him, how it came to pass, that the hair of his Head seemed so much older then that of his Beard: The old man briskly replyed, It was no wonder, since the hair of his Beard was young∣er than that of his Head by twenty yeares at least.

Page  134

THe Deputies of Rochel attending one day to speak with his Majesty, it hapned that there came at the same time a Doctor of Physick of the same place, who had renounced the Prote∣stant Religion, to embrace the Roman Catholick; for which cause the sight of this man did so enrage them, that they could not forbare railing aloud, although they were so near the Pre∣sence-Chamber: His Majesty hearing this irreverent noise, demanded what was the matter, and was informed, that the Deputies of Rochel were very much incensed against one of their Do∣ctors, for changing his Religion from Protestancy to Popery: Is that all said his Majesty? (very pleasantly) bring them before me; being brought, how now said the King, What angry (speaking to the Deputies) because your Doctor hath gain'd by his exchange? Let me advise you, change too, and that in time, for it is a dangerous sign, and portends your Re∣ligion not long liv'd, when her Physician hath left, and given her over.

Page  135

A Gentleman having never been at Paris, got, by what meanes I know not, into the Gallery in the Louvre, and was so taken with the curious Pictures, that he was nothing but wonder and amazement; in the mean time his Ma∣jesty hapned to pass by, who seeing a stranger, with a body gentilely clad, gaping like a Bumpkin, as if he had hardly ever seen a Picture before, ap∣proach'd him, and asked the Gentle∣man whom he belong'd to, this Fop Jauntie, thinking himself affronted, answered in a surly manner, that he be∣long'd to himself; you had a fool and a clown to your Master then (said the King) that could furnish you with no better man∣ners.

TWo Cardinals at Rome hearing of a very famous Painter who had most admirably painted St. Peter, with some other of the Apostles; sent for him, with orders to bring those effigies with him; at sight thereof, these Car∣dinals were amazed at his stupendious Art, and found fault with nothing but that their faces were too red and san∣guine; Page  136your pardon, may it please your Eminences (said he in a submis∣sive voice) I have not pictured them as when they were on Earth; who mortifyed the flesh, that they might the better sow the seeds of the Gospel; but I have depainted them as they are now in Heaven, ashamed, and therefore blush to see the Lives of their Successors so loose and so licentious.

A Franciscan-Frier being mounted one day on a very good Horse, was rancountred by a serious Citizen, who told him, that being of the Order of St. Francis he wondred to see him on Horse-back, and since that St. Fran∣cis was always known to go a foot, he wondred he durst make so slight of that Sacred Oath which obliged him and his Brethren to follow that holy man, Well said (said the Franciscan) you do well to put me in mind of my duty, in following our Patron St. Francis; and that I might not be slack in the performance, I am therefore now mounted, for he being gone so long before, I despaired of ever reach∣ing him a foot, and, setting Spurs to his Horse, said, That unless he rode a gollop, or full speed, he should be some ages before be could over-take him.

Page  137

A Merry Switzer going one day into the Fields with his Master, desired leave of his Master to ask him a que∣stion; the Master knowing him to be a Roguish witty fellow, gave him liber∣ty; Why then Sr. said he, you see an Horse and Ass yonder feeding together, if you were forced to be a Beast, which of them two would you be? you fool, said the Master, I would be a Horse, as being the nobler and more generous Creature; I'm of another opinion replyed the Swisse, for I would be an Ass; his Master unable to forbear laughing, asked him the reason; the reason said he is, I have often seen an Ass ride the great Horse; stalk stately before his Company upon some annual solemnity; be chosen a Justice, and as frequently his name and ignorance guilded with the splended dignity of Knighthood, but I never knew an Horse capable of these preferments.

A Walloon Serjeant walking in the Court at the Hague, demanded of a Captain in that place, by what means he might speak with the Prince of Orange? the Captain told him, if he would have a little patience the Prince Page  138would not be long e're he would come that way; he had no sooner said these words but his Highness appeared, whereupon this Bore, the Walloon, be∣ing confident in his own Eloquence and Barbarous Gaulish Dialect, addrest himself in these words: Sir, Your Ex∣cellency must know, that our Ensign is dead, now I being the eldest Serjeant, the Colours be∣long to me. The Prince seeing a man of that bulk, imagin'd he had a Soul as large, and therefore bid him speak on boldly: but he instead of enlarging himself sung only the same notes over again. The Prince being in a very good humour at that time, asked him, how long he had served the States? let me see (said this Walloon, and thereupon drew an old Book out of his pocket) I—let me see—I now I have it, I came in the same year to serve the States, that your Excellency ran away before Groll.

THere was a Gentleman in France was very much conceited of his singing (although he had neither Voice nor Judgment) and would be always humming some Religious Anthems, or bawl out aloud; a notable merry Page  139Woman living very near him, and by that means was perpetually troubled with his insufferable noise, there being no remedy, she was contented only with putting this trick upon him, and that was every time he sang, she wept, and the lowder his Voice, the greater abundance of her Tears; the Gentleman observing this several times, deman∣ded of the Woman, why she wept when be sung (thinking to himself that he had so raptured her with his harmonical voice, that thereby her Soul was wing'd for an immediate flight to Heaven:) to this question the Woman thus replyed, I may well weep (said she) since not long ago, I lost the staff of my Life, and the support of my Children; in short Sir, My great loss was an Ass that did us a thousand kindnesses, now Sir your voice and his methinks are so extreamly alike, that I never hear you sing, but it puts me in mind of my poor Ass, the loss of whom I shall never sufficiently con∣dole.

A Young Italian Gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland, where having lived some time conver∣sing with the most ingenious, was one Page  140day set upon by a Protestant Minister, who would needs ingage him in a con∣troversie about Religion. The young Gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the encounter, begged his diver∣sion, and endeavoured to wave the discourse; but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was he prest by the Minister, whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion, conjured him by all that is good, to let him alone in peace with his Religion, for (said he) I cannot embrace yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other.

A Countrey fellow wanting moy, came to Rome, and there offered his Ass to sale; he quickly met with a Chapman, who (having agreed about the price) demanded of the Country∣man, very seriously, what bad, or good conditions the Ass had in him, I will as∣sure you (said he) there is not a better Ass in Italy; say you so (said the other) nay then Ile promise you this, if I find him as good as you say, I will be not only a friend to him, but a Brother.

Page  141

A Poor pittiful Bore, in process of time became a rich Burgo-master, who one day walking in the streets was accosted by such another Tatterdemalion as himself was formerly, and one of his intimate acquaintance; this upstart Burgo-master walked stately on, taking no notice of him; this made my Jag∣rag the more pressing, and pulling him by the Sleeve, said, Old friend, what don't you know me? (the other replyed hastily, and with an austere countenance) How the Devil should I know or remember thee, since I have forgot my own self, being obliged by my grandeur to take no cognisance of the vileness of thy condition, and the quondam poverty of my own.

A Gentleman of good quality in Pa∣ris, and a great amorist, was also very Phlegmatick, (tis strange two such contrary Elements should agree in one body:) I say this Monsieur, one day, being in the Society of some Ladies, fixt his eyes upon one of an extraordi∣nary beauty, in such sort, that they were never withdrawn from her, but when he returned about to spit, by rea∣son Page  142of the continual overflowing of his mouth: this Gentlewoman frequently observing the watering of his mouth, smilingly demanded of him the cause, who cunningly answered her, that his mouth watered being near so delicate and choice abit, yet dare not taste there∣of; If so Sir, (said she briskly) stand fur∣ther off, and do not approach nearer, least you be turned into that watery Element.

A Countrey fellow designed one night to rob a Gentlemans Or∣chard, and being just got up into a Tree he saw two approaching towards him (which were the Servant-man and Chamber-maid of the House) the sight of these persons made him lye as covert as he could, whereas on the other side these Amorists eagerly pursuing their sport, did not discover the Fellow in the Tree, under which they had past so many amorous Careers; and being now wearied, the Chamber-maid had time to vent these fears her resistless Appetite would not admit into her thoughts be∣fore, in this manner, Dear heart, you have had your will against my will, and what if I should now prove with Child? what will Page  143become of it, and me? prythee? (said he) Take no care for that, there is one above will make (no doubt) sufficient provision for you both: the Fellow in the Tree hear∣ing this, and being glad of this oppor∣tunity to scare them away, that he might the better accomplish his Thiev∣ing design, spoke indifferently loud; saying, I'le see you hang'd e're I'le maintain any Whore of you all, and if I do keep any Bastards, to be sure they shall be of my own begetting.

JUst as the Sermon was ended in a Church at Amsterdam, it hapned that two Roman Catholicks entered there∣in; a Burgess seeing them, took his friend by the hand, who knew them very well; look there said he, as the Children of Light are going out of the Church, the Children of Darkness are entering in; one of these Catholicks hearing this, shortly and sharply replyed, you have de∣prived us of our Light, and we are forced to seek after it whilst we are in Darkness; in∣timating the particular restraint laid on Roman Catholicks by the Hollander, more strict then on any other Religion.

Page  144

WIthin one of the Provinces of the Ʋnited Neatherlands there lived a Mercenary Scribler, who wrote a Pas∣quil, or Defamatory Libel against the house of Austria, and presented it to the Go∣vernour of the same place, which was a person of the most Ancient Family of Nassaw.

The Governor having read it, dis∣sembled his displeasure, but with a kind of feigned smile, told him, that his In∣vective was as sharp as could be imagi∣ned. Sir, said the Author, I have one in the Press, as sharp again; let me see it said the Governor: this Libellous Author, thinking he should be highly rewarded, brought him this second Copy; in which was writ, as in the for∣mer, a Thousand notorious and scanda∣lous lyes, not sparing the bespattering of the then vertuous Infanta with lewd Reproach and Obloquy; not omitting the King, Emperour, &c. The Go∣vernor hardly forbearing the conceal∣ment of his great indignation, bid him come in the afternoon, and his reward should be ready: taking his leave of his Excellency, he returns home to his Page  145Friends, further fraught with joy and hopes, than an East-India Ship with Pepper, comes at the time appointed. He went to wait for his Reward, and the Governor hearing of the coming of this Libeller, ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs, and there he should meet with a person should give him his due; coming to the top of the stairs, he was asked, whether he was the man that wrote the Libel, he answered very jollily, That he was the Person that had serv'd his Countrey with his Pen, though he could not with his Sword: and that he had (he thought) painted the King of Spain, and Emperor to the Life, in their own pro∣per Colours: pray, Sir, come in said the other, I have order to give you double recompence; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong Fellows, and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a Cat of nine tails, and were laid on by remembering him, that the first was for the Emperour: The second for the King of Spain: The third for the Infanta: And the fourth for Marquis Spinola: And so oven with them again, till the number was expi∣red; at which time the Governour came Page  146in and told him, that this Punishment was the least of desert, for abusing so Illustrious a House as that of Austria, and that though an Enemie, yet should not be abused with the scandalous Re∣proaches of every lying Pamphleter, Let all such, like this, wear their reward on their backs, and not in their purses.

A Certain Switzer, a Soldier and Ro∣man Catholick, being in France, was solicited by some French Gentleman to go with them into Holland to serve the States. Having demanded of them if the Hollanders were Catholicks, and they affirming to him they were, he readily condescended to their Proposition. Being in the Army of the Prince of O∣range in the Field, and seeing no Priests, Monks, Altars, nor Images, he went and told his Captain that he was meerly deluded, and that he could never serve the Hugonots against the Catho∣licks, but against his Conscience; the Captain seeing him refractory, and would not march, he Caned him suffi∣ciently, but the Swiss regarded it not; crying out, that he had rather dye, then bear Armes against his Religion; at that Page  147very instant the Prince of Orange came by, and understanding the matter, caused the Swiss to be brought before him, and commanding him to be dis∣armed, he furnished him with Tabor and Pipe, with several antick baubles; saying, Go Soldier, since thou wilt not bare Armes against the Catholicks, carry these pretty knacks to them, to add to the number of their Religious Fopperies.

THere was a pleasant Comical Dog∣whipper of a Church, who on the Week-days carried Turfs in Amster∣dam, this man had a great mind to see Antwerp, and takeing his Wife along with him, made a journy thither; hav∣ing seen the famous Churches, the Ci∣tadel, and other things remarkable, they went to the Tavern, intending to drink some Wine; having possest themselves of a Room, the Maidser∣vant (well bread) made a very low courtsie, saying, What will you be pleased to drink Seignior? at which, this Turf Porter, confounded with so great an honour, whispered his Wife in the ear, How comes this Kate? a Seignior at Ant∣werp, and a Dog-whiper in Amsterdam; Page  148certainly (speaking still low) I will not behave my self unworthy of this honour (then raising his voice) go fetch me a Pttle of Wine; at this his Wife cryed out, why John, what mean you John, we have not money enough to do it; what of all that (said he) it is but ingageing my honour, I will pay it next time I come to Antwerp; in the mean time I must acknowledg these people more justly civil, and respectful, then my own Country-men.

ONe day some witty Drolls met with this Dog-whipper, who askt whether he would not be content to change his double Employment, for the single one, of being a Secretary of some Town in Holland; at which que∣stion he fell into such a loud fit of laughter, that the Company could not forbear laughing to see such a variety of Grimaces in his face, which when it grew a little calmer, Gentlemen (said he) my shoulders are broad and strong enough to bear a hundred maunds of Truf a day, but my Head, although it be big enough, or as some say, too big; yet is it to weak and feeble to carry a secret one quarter of an hour: besides, I have heard, Secretaries Page  149what to abstain from ine; for my part, I should sell all the secrets of my Noddle for one Poule. That man's most happy that is contented with his own, and co∣vets not anothers Fortune.

THere is a Village in Holland at the end whereof stands a Church built by the command of St. Ʋillebrord. One day some of the foolish Paisantry of the Town were got together in a Ta∣vern, where amongst other of their ridiculous discourse, there was a grand consultation how they should make the Church stand in the middle of the Town, the one propounded this way, and another that way, and both con∣tradicted by a third, as a thing im∣possible; at length one stands up with much Gravity, Brethren (said he) I think you are all mistaken, therefore my advice is th, seeing the Church cannot be removed (& yet you would have the fulfilling of your de∣sres) build as many Houses beyond it, as there are on this side thereof, and then you will find the Church stand just in the middle of the Town.

Page  150

A Certain Minister of the Reformed Religion, Preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam, took an occasion to loose his Text, that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magi∣strates of that City, several whereof were present at that time; in his Ser∣mon, he first proved, that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth, and that the Mini∣sters were as Angels; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelesness of the former, in suffering Po∣pish Idolatry to be so openly professed, with Judaism, &c. And his Zeal promp∣ted him to say, that they should one day be answerable for their negligence, reproving them also for many notorious Sins, &c Af∣ter Sermon, some of the Magistrates sent for him, and having severely checkt him for his Insolence, and sedi∣tious Eloquence, told him, that if he e∣ver did the like, that though be made them Gods, they would make a Devil of him, and throw him out of the Paradise of his Living, into the Hell of a Dungeon?

Page  151

THere was a Rodomontado in Paris, who huft after so strange a rate, that he pretended, he could out-do all the wonderful exploits performed by the chief ancient Masters of Knight-er∣rantry: this vaunting made him terri∣ble to such as knew him not. One day being in company, he was strangely ad∣mired by all, saving a Picard, who shew∣ed him little or no respect, not so much out of design, as for want of breeding. This Rodomontado, observing the slight∣ing of the Picard, began to swell, being in a mighty Passion; and reproach'd the Picard for his Clownery in not pay∣ing that due respect to his person, which was the merit of his vertue; the Picard told him bluntly, that if others worshipped an Ass, he was not bound to do the like. How said the Rodomon∣tado, darest thou speak to me without trembling? Thou shalt repent for this; to which the other replyed, he feared him not; nay, then said this Rodomontado I see thou art weary of thy Life; meet me to morrow, at such a place, singly, and there I will do thee the kindness to dispatch thee out of thy pain. The Page  152Picard told him resolutely, He would meet him with his Sword; and accordingly, the next morning early, he went into the Field, and having waited there about two hours, at length comes the Rodomontado Scare-Crow, who made such a noise as he came, that he frighted all the Birds from their Nests and Coverts as he past through the Forrest of Fontain-bleau. As soon as he saw the Picard he made a thousand Grimaces, and as many Bra∣vadoes; asking him at a great distance whether he was apprehensive of death, or whether he long'd to dye. Ad∣vance nearer said the Picard, and I will quickly inform you. Hereupon the Rodomontado stood still, and asked him whether he had a Wife and Children, yes, yes, said the Picard, but what is that to our purpose? come draw, ha, (said the Rodomontado) I am sorry that thy Wife must be a Widdow, and thy Children Orphans; for I am invinci∣ble, and have already slain with this Right hand above ten Thousand Ca∣valiers: Hadst thou (said the Picard) fought the Devil, and kil'd his Grand-Child in single Combat, yet would I fight thee, therefore defend thy self, or thou art a dead Page  153man: at this our bouncing Cavalier drew back, crying out to the Picard to have a little patience; but the Picard's Passion it seemes had no ears, and be∣gan to lay about him stoutly, the Ro∣domontado seeing in what danger he was in, beg'd the Picard to hear him but one word; I see (said he) that thou art a brave fellow, and what a pity is it then, that thou should'st fall by my arm; come, I am generous and mercifull, beg then thy Life, and I will give it thee; I scorn it, said the Pi∣card, therefore once more guard thy self, or I'le run thee through; Nay then replyed the Rodomontado, since thou wilt not de∣mand thy Life of me, I'le beg mine of thee: which last words so tickled the Peard with laughter, that he could not find in his heart to do him any further mis∣chief.

TWo Gentlemen drinking at a Ta∣vern at the Hague very smartly, the one accus'd the other for not do∣ing him reason, the other told him he lyed, and gave him a box on the ear; hereupon commenced a Challenge, although they were both so Drunk Page  154that they knew not how to name their Weapons they were to fight with. The next morning they met, but knew not upon what grounds they were to fight. And therefore instead of fight∣ing fell to capitulateing, both pro∣testing they knew not the cause of the Quarrel; a Person standing by, who was concerned as a Second, told them, He knew nothing but the Wine which bred the difference: If that be all said the Combatants, The Wine that made us fall out, shall make us fall in again.

AN English Lord, and French Monsieur were deeply engaged in a Con∣troversie, which was the best Religion; many arguments were produced pro and con, at length Monsieur appeal'd to a Great man that was (as he thought) of his own perswasion; whether he had not produced invincible Arguments in confirmation of the verity of his Religion. Of mine (said this Noble man) you mistake Sir, I am as yet of none at all, nor never like to be of any, till our Teachers, Schoolmen, Learned Divines, Je∣suits, and such, who for sever all Ages have disputed, are agreed which of all Religions is the snrest Guide to Heaven.

Page  155

THe Vice-Roy of Naples in a great Siege, made a strict Order, where∣in it was adjudged death for any man above, and under such an age, to walk in any part of the City without a Sword, one day as himself and retinue were Riding through the City, to see how well this Order was observed, he saw a Gentleman without a Sword, who was presently brought before the Vice-Roy, and then was the Order read, and for contempt thereof, was Sentenced to dye; and because he was a Gentle∣man he was to be slain by the next Gentleman that past that way; it was not long ere one appear'd, exactly qualyfied for the business to outward appearance, though it proved other∣wise, for this Gentleman had been Gaming, and had lost not only all his money, but the very blade of his Sword, and had instead thereof, fixt to the Hilt a Wooden Blade, not dar∣ing to go home without the resem∣blance of a Sword by his side; this Gentleman was stop'd by the way, and made acquainted with the Vice-Roy'sPage  156evere sentence, who hearing it, & know sing his own insufficiency, was extream∣y startled, and withall, with much eagerness, prest the Vice-Roy to excuse him, alledging, that should he be made an Executioner, it would be a perpetu∣al stain to his Family; all his suppli∣cations availed nothing, so that he must do the Work; in order thereun∣to he stript himself of his loose Gar∣ments, and after this devoutly kneel'd, praying that God would forgive him for what he was going about, &c. But particularly prayed, That if the Gentle∣man ought not to dye, that his Sword myra∣culously might be turn'd into wood; having ended his prayer, he arose, and whip∣ing out his Sword to run the Gentle∣man through; (who stood ready pre∣pared to receive the Thrust) his Sword appeared a shaved Lath to all the Spe∣ctators; hereupon the dying Gentle∣man was released with much Joy, the Wooden Sword was carried with much Solemnity, and hung up in the Cathe∣dral Church, as a true link to the Chain of Popish Miracles.

Page  157

A Protestant and Roman Catholick were arguing at Paris about the Popes Infallibility; the Priest said, that the Pope may Erre as a man, but not as a Pope; I would fain know (said the Gen∣tleman) Why the Pope doth not instruct, or reform the Man, or wherefore the Man doth not require the Popes Instruction.

A Common Strumpet got a Warrant for a man, from whom she hoped to squeese some mony, and carried him before a Justice who demanded of the Man whether he was guilty of what was alledged against him, the man pro∣testing Innocency; saying further, Mr. Justice, this Woman hath the repute of a common Whore; if so, suppose I had to do with her, how can she say that I am the proper Father of the Bastard, since she deals with so many continual∣ly; thou say'st well (said the Justice, and speaking to the Woman, said, thou mayst as well going through a Thorn Hedg, tell certainly which Thorn pricked thee; and so give the man his discharge.

Page  158

THe Governor of Maestricht had a great love for a young Captain of his, which had never been tryed du∣ring the late Siege by English and French; on a time, he was Commanded with a party to make a Mock Sally, but as soon as ever he came within sight of the E∣nemy, he squatted behind the Walls of some old Ruins; coming into the Gar∣rison, he was not only publickly laugh∣ed at, but was accused for a Coward to the Governor, who being more wil∣ling to bring this Captain off with Cre∣dit, then he brought off himself, told them thus; If this Captain went upon a Mock Sally, then the worst you can say, he is but a Mock Coward, and if he had not so plaid the fool and Coward in jest, I would have punished him in earnest.

A Lphonso Cartillo was informed by his Steward of the greatness of his expence, and that it was inconsi∣stent with his Estate, but particularly the number of his Servants was too great, whereupon the Bishop made him draw up a note of such as were neces∣sary, and such as were not; that being Page  159done, he summoned all his Servants to∣gether, and reading the note, seperated them; then said, These I have need of, and therefore they must continue; These have need of me, and therefore they must re∣main also.

A Thief being Arraigned at Bar, be∣fore a Lieutenant, Criminal for stealing a Horse, in his Pleading, urged many things in his own behalf, but par∣ticularly, he insisted on this, That the Horse stold him, and not he the Horse: How can that be said the Judge? Thus, said the Malefactor, Passing along the Country about my Lawful occasions, I was pursued close by a fierce Mastive, and had no other means to escape his fury but by leaping over a Hedge, which I easily effected by my agility of body, it hapned, that a Horse stood on the other side of the Hedge, and it so chanced, that I leaped astride his back, who being startled hereat, ran clear away with me, and could not stop him by any means, until he came to the next Town; in which the right Owner of the Horse lived, and there I was taken, and here Arraigned.

Page  160

AFter that horrid Massacre in France on St. Bartholomew's day, the Deputies of the Reformed Religion Treated with the King for Peace; both sides were agreed upon the Articles, the question was upon the Security of the performance: after some particu∣lars propounded and rejected, the Queen Mother said, Why is not the Word of a King sufficient security? One of the Deputies answered, no by St. Bartholonrew.

A Dutch Captain was commanded by his Colonel to go on in an Exploit against the French, with Forces that were unlikely to Atchieve the Enter∣prize, whereupon the Captain advised his Collonel to send but half so many men; why so, said the Collonel, to send but half so many men? because replyed the Captain, they were enough to be knockt on the head, and it is better that a few die than many.

A Poor Countrey-fellow praying devoutly superstitious before an old Image of St. Loy, the Image being rotten, suddenly fell down upon the Page  161poor man, and so grievously bruised him, that he could not stir out in a Month after; in the mean time, the cheating Priests had set up a new Image in the room thereof; the Countrey∣man recovering, came to the same Church and kneel'd again to the Image, but at a great distance, saying after this manner; Although thou smilest, and look∣est fair upon me, yet thy Father played me such a knavish prank lately, that I will be∣ware that I come not as near thee, as I did him, least thou shouldst have any of thy Fathers unhappy qualities.

A Nobleman in Paris, hearing of a Blind man, that could play very well on the Flagellet, sent for him, and he played unto him till night, having done, the Nobleman commanded his Servant to light the Flagellet player down stairs; hereupon the Servant re∣plyed, My Lord, the man is blind: thou ig∣norant Coxcomb (quoth my Lord) he hath the more need of Light.

AN Italian Doctor askt a Waterman, whether he might safely go by wa∣ter over the River Po? the Fellow told Page  162him yes; but the Doctor coming to the Water-side, and finding it very rough, said, You Watermen are the veryest Knaves in the World, for to gain six pence, you care not to cast a man away; To whom the Water-man replyed; It appears Sir, we are men of a cheaper Furrcion, and better Conscience than you, for you some∣times will not cast a man away under Forty, fifty, or an hundred Crowns.

A Gentlewoman of Paris (who was a grain or two too light) went to her Confessor, and amongst other sins, con∣fessed chiefly, that she was too much ad∣dicted to the society of Men; Ah, said the Fryer, Whoredom is a Sin very displeasing to God, I am sorry for that (quoth she) since it was so pleasing to me.

AN Italian Captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place, where for four Moneths, he did eat nothing but Horse-flesh, at length being relieved, he returned to his former Mis∣triss, thinking to have the same dalli∣ances as formerly; she understanding how he had fared, since his departure; hold (said she,) though I have a mind to be Page  163gotten with Child, yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt.

A Gentleman in Naples being affront∣ed by an English man, was resolved to be revenged; and therefore com∣manded his Man to procure him a cou∣ple of Villains, fit for his purpose; in a little time he brought his Master two whose Faces were slasht and cut; the Gentleman seeing them, said, I will have none of you; but bring me them who gave you those Wounds, and I will reward you.

ONE told Pope Alexander the sixth, that it was necessary to Banish all the Physitians out of Rome, for they were unnecessary and dangerous; no (said the Pope) they are very useful; for without them the World would encrease so fast, that one could not live by another.

A Ntigonus invading Parthia, was told that the Enemies had such vol∣leys of Arrows to encounter him, that they would darken the Sun; that's well (say he) for then we shall fight in the shade this hot weather.

Page  164

UPon the departure of a Gentle∣man of good Note at Lyons in France, a Jesuite stood by prompting the Gentleman to give to that Conuent he belong'd to, such a piece of Ground and such a Mannor, which the gentle∣man consented to; the Son standing by, and fearing all would be given from him; said to the Jesuite, I hope you will not have the Conscience to keep all this from me; yes, yes, said the Jesuit, the will of the dead must be obeyed; say you so, Then Father shall I break the neck of this Jesuit down stairs? Do if thou wilt Son: Nay then says the Son, the will of the dead must he obeyed: the Jesuit hearing this, and seeing him in good earnest, made but one step from the top of the Stairs to the bottom, to avoid the danger ensuing.

SOcrates was ask'd, why he suffered so much brawling by his Wife? says he, Why do you suffer so much Kackling of your Hens? because they lay me Eggs, says he, And I my wife (replyed So∣crates,) because she bares me Children.

Page  165

SOme Profane Fellows and Wench∣es were resolved to abuse some 〈◊〉∣ers; for, laying an Hog (which they had made dead Drunk before with the Lees of Wine) under the Table, co∣vered with a black cloath, they sent for the Fryers, telling them, that the Womans Husband of the House was dead, and that they must sing a Dirg for his Soul; during the Service the wo∣man kept such a tittering, and laugh∣ing, that they were forced to avoid the Room; the young men seeing that, stole out after them, that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also; one of the Friers taking notice hereof, listed up the Cloth, and seeing it was a Hog, took him, and to be revenged of the abuse; carried him away; the wo∣man of the house seeing them march off, called after them to return; no, no, said they, we find he is a Brother of ours, and must be buried in our Convent.

ONe came to Paris to be Confessed, who told his Confessor he had stoln a Halter, to steal a Halter, said he, is no great matter; I but said the Page  166Fellow, there was a Horse tied at the end on't; O said the Confessor, there is somthing in that: there is great differ∣ence between a Horse and a Halter, you must therefore first restore the Owner his Horse, and having so done, come to me, and I'le Absolve you of the Halter.

A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volunteers for France, in the late Expedition against the Dutch, imagin'd himself valliant enough, and thereupon Listed himself: returning again, he was ask'd by his friends, what exploits he had done there; He said, that he had cut off one of the Enemies Leggs, and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head; O said he, you must know his Head was cut off before.

A Priest in an Abby at Florence, be∣ing a Fisherman's Son, ordered a Net to be spread on the Table, in∣stead of a Table cloth, in token of Hu∣mility, and in remembrance from whence he came; the Abbot dying, for his pretended Humility sake, he was elected Abbot dying, after which Page  167he caused the Net to be used no more, and being askt the reason, he told them, I need not the Net now, having caught what I fisht for.

AN old covetous Miser at Burdeaux, grudged his Servants their Victu∣als, and allowed them but a fifth part of Wine, to four parts of water; one time seeing one of his servants feed ve∣ry heartily, What said he, will your Grin∣ders never be at rest? how can they (said the Servant,) as long as they have so little Wine, and so much Water.

A Popish Bishop rising up in Arms against his Prince, was defeated, and taken as he was clad in Armor, and by the King's command secured. The Pope hearing of it, complained of the King's breach of Church Priviledges, Imprisoning one of the Sons of the Church; hereupon the King sent back the Mes∣senger with the armor of the Bishop, desireing the Pope to send him word, whether those were the Garments of any of his Sons.

Page  168

JƲlius the Third, when he was made Pope, gave his Hat to a young Fa∣vorite of his, to the general dissatis∣faction of the Conclave; whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him said, what did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal? Ju∣lius replyed, what did you see in me, to make me a Pope.

A Country-man coming to Paris with his Ass loaded, the beast stuck in a dirty place, and to make him rise from thence, the Peasant belaboured him with a stick lustily, a Courtier Passing by, said, How now Ʋillain, art thou not ashamed to abuse thy Beast so? if thou strikest him again, I will strike thee as much; hereupon the Poor Fellow desisted, till the Cavilleer was past, and then sell a beating his Beast worse than before, saying, How now goodman Ass, who would have thought that thou hadst Friends at Court?

A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions, the Cart overturn'd, and the Onions Page  169fell into a Ditch full of water, at sight whereof the Peasant cryed out, Mort bleau, here wants nothing but a little Salt to make le bon Potage.

A Dutch-man in Amsterdam having heated himself with Wine, grew angry; and swearing Gods Sacrament, he would feign know, why the English called his Countrymen Butter-boxes; the reason is, said a stander by, be∣cause they find you are so apt to spread every where, and for your sauciness must be melted down.

A Stout Commander, having for∣merly in the Kings Service lost his Leg, was not with standing for his great prudence, and courage made a Captain of a Second Rate Ship, and be∣ing in the midst of an Engagement a Cannon bullet took of his Woodden Supporter, so that he was constrained to fall; the Seamen thinking he had lost his Legs, cryed, down with him to the Chriungem; I want him not, I want him not (quoth he) but send me up to the Car∣penter.

Page  170

BEing a Captain of Horse, he was disswaded not to Attaque the E∣nemy, they being thrice the number; Are they so said he (not a jot dismay'd) then I am very glad, for there are enough to be kill'd, enough to be taken Prisoners, and e∣nough to run away,

A Monsieur meeting the King of France's Jester, asked what news, why Sir replyed he, there are Forty thousand men risen to day, I pray to what end, said the other, and what do they intend? Why (said he) to go to bed again at night.

ONe hearing a French Gentleman brag what variety of excellent Sallats there are in France, and how the People naturally delight therein, it can∣not be denyed (saith he) That as you have plenty of good Sallats, so they are most of your food; Now we in England have dainty Beeves, Veal, Mutton, and as God made Beasts to live on Grass, so he made Man 〈◊〉 live on Beasts.

Page  171

AN Englishman and his Wise Lodg∣ing at a French-mans House, both so perfect Children of their own Coun∣trys, that neither understood each o∣ther, it so fell out, that the English-mans Wife cry'd out in the Night; where∣upon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the Midwife, (who did lye above) of his Wives condition, that being done, he went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady thereof; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold winter night, his Land∣lady pitying him said to her Husband, Prythee, my dear, let the English-man come into bed to us and lye till Day-light, since it is so cold, and that he cannot in civility re∣turn to his own Chamber, you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me; her request was granted, and he lay down on the other side of the woman; The Frenchman having tyred himself by Labour the day before, fell fast asleep; the Eng∣lishman's Snake presently grew warm, and crawled up the Womans belly; the motion of the bed awaked her Husband, he called out Wife, what are you doing; what are you doing? why Page  172what would you have me do (said she) if I should speak to him it would be to little pur∣pose, for you know he understands not a word of our Language.

AT the Battail of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, said to his Soldiers, Gentlemen, if you in∣tend to live, thus must you do, either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea.

WHen Metellus Nepos asked in a ering way, the famous Roman Orator Cicero, who was his Father? he replyed, Thy Mother hath made that Que∣stion harder for thee to answer.

MArcus Livius, who was Governor of Tarentum, when Hanibal took it, being envious to see so much ho∣nour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day openly in the Senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking of the City of Tarentum; Fabius smiling, said wit∣tily, indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst not thou lost it, I had never retaken it.

Page  173

POpe Benedict when the Embasia∣dour of the Council of Constance, came to him, laying his hand on his breast, said, Hic est Arca Noae, here is Noah's Ark: one hearing him say so, said softly to his Friend, In Noah's Ark there were few men, but many Beasts.

A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a Priest concerning Religi∣on, asked, why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of wood; and what was there more in that than any other Trees else, that they did not kiss them, Why (said the Priest) Is not your wife made all of the same Flesh and Blood, and what is the reason that you do not kiss her back-side, as well as her Mouth.

POpe Alexander being accustomed highly to commmend the Institu∣tion of the single Life of Priests, and to blame their using of Concubines, was wont to say, God hath forbidden us to get Children, and the Devil hath given us Nepliews

Page  174

A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France, found nothing ready, but a piece of Mutton, and a Partridge; one would have the Partridge, and the other would have it; and thereupon quarrelling, the Hostess perswaded them to eat it together, no that they would not; but at last con∣sented it should be kept for breakfast, and he that Dreamed in the Night the best Dream, should have it. Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by study∣ing a good Dream, the Gascoign obser∣ving where the Partridge was Put, got up, and did eat it: in the Morning be∣time they arose, and the Spaniard said, he dreamed the best dream in the world; for said he, methought I saw the Heavens open, and a Quire of Angels with Musick carried me to Heaven. Then said the Gascoign, I Dreamed I saw you so carried to Heaven, and thinking you would never re∣turn, I arose in the Night, and did eat the Partridge.

A Cordelier and a Jacobin having ta∣ken up one Inn together; the next morning the Jacobin paid his Reckon∣ing, Page  175but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here, as else where, for a God a mercy, or a Retribuet Deus, was forced by the Master of the House, who was a Protestant, to pay for what he had, by Pawning some Books, for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing. The next day travelling together, they came to a small River; whereupon the poor Cordelier put of his Sandals, and holding up his Gown, began to wade: the Jacobin being well apparell'd, and loath to spoil his fine Cloathes, call'd to the Cordelier to carry him over; what will you give me then quoth he? said the other, I will redeem your Books, and pay your Charge at the next Inn; so the Cordelier took him up on his back, and when he was in the deepest place of the Water, the Corde∣lier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise? yes that I have said he, and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket: the Cordelier hearing this, and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged, let him drop in the water, saying, Brother, you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders, for you know, I am bound never to carry any money about me.

Page  176

A Peasant having been with his Con∣fessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent, and was reproved for it; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, and Cocks Capons: a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some Eggs, to set under a Hen, and he sent them all boiled very hard, The Curat being ignorant there∣of, set them under his Hen, but find∣ing in almost a Months time no pro∣duction, he broke one of them and found it hard, and so brake another, a third, a fourth, a fifth, till he had broken them all, and found them all as the first boiled. This so netled the Curate, that he instantly went to the Pesant to know the reason of this a∣buse; the Peasant excused himself, saying, he knew not what he meant; Why you fool (quoth the Curate) did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs? Why Father, so you told me (said he) the last Lent; for when I confessed to you that I had eaten Eggs, you chid me, saying, Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, Cocks Capons: now if boyled Eggs which I did eat, would ever have been Page  177Chickens, Cocks, and Capons; How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your Hen, would come to be so too.

A Country fellow seeing the Arch-Bishop of Cologn riding in the Fields with a great retinue compleatly Armed, laught out aloud; being ask'd his reason for so doing, he answered, Because he wondred that St. Peter, Christs Vicar on Earth, being exceeding poor, had left his Successor so Rich that his Train should be more furnished with Sword-men, than Gown-men. The Arch-Bishop hear∣ing this, and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place, and dignity, told him, that he was not only Arch-Bi∣shop, but a Duke also, and that as a Duke he rode with such an Armed train of men, but when he was in the Church, he was attended on as an Arch∣bishop; Sir (said this poor Fellow) I pray tell me when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Arch-bishop.

THe Emperour Sigismond foarding a River, his Horse stood still in Page  178the midst, and staled; whereupon a Page took the boldness to say, That the Horse was like the Emperour, who heard what was said, but said nothing for that time; a little while after the Em∣perour reminding those words, ask'd the Page his reason for comparing him to a Horse? Because Royal Sir (quoth the Page) the River had no need of Water, and yet your Horse must add to it by pissing in it, and so do you; for those that have e∣nough, you give more; but to such as have nothing, you add not any thing, and all∣though I have been with you a long time, yet have I not tasted of your bounty; The next morning the Emperour took two Iron Chests, the bigger of the two, he filled with Lead, and the other with Silver, and bid his Page take which he would of them, in recompence of his Service; the Page took the biggest, which the Emperour caused him to open, and there he found nothing but Lead, the other he opened himself, and shewed him it was Silver. Now (said the Em∣perour) thou knowest thy Fortune, the fault was none of mine, that thy choice was no better, and that thou wert not made rich, for thou hast refused thy good fortune, when it was offered thee

Page  179

THe Duke of Millain being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines, one day at dinner, he quarrell'd with his Victuals, and chid his Cook severely, for the ill ordering of his meat, and sauce; whereupon the witty Cook re∣ply'd, My Lord; your meat is well enough dressed, but the Florentines have put your mouth out of taste.

BEfore the Battel Fought at Serriz∣als, the Marquess of Guast assure∣ing himself of the Victory, gave his Jester a Suit of Armour fairly guilt, and a Spanish Jennet, with a promise of five hundred Duckets, if he would be first should carry news to his Wife of his Victory; but it so hapned, that the French did beat the Emperour's Army and the Jester was taken, and brought before the Lord Anguien, who perceiv∣ing who he was, asked, who had fur∣nish'd him in that splendid manner? My Lord (replyed he) The Marquess, who gave me my Horse and Armes, and should have given me Five hundred Duckets to go and tell my Lady his Wife, the first tidings of his Victory, but to save the money, I believe he is posted thither in person.

Page  180

TWo young Scholars Travelling from Roan to Paris, there to study, met by the way a Country-fellow ri∣ding on an Ass, which bray'd in such manner, as if he had been overjoy'd to be in such Learned society; these Stu∣dents thinking to put a trick on the Paisant, said, Friend, why do you let your Brother cry in that manner, cannot you find out any way to still and quiet him? The Paisant who was none of the most ig∣norant of the Parish wherein he dwelt; answered, My Ass, Sirs, is so extreamy pleased to meet with his Relations, and old Aquaintance, he could do no less then sing a Song of Mirth, and merry glee, in testimony of your hearty welcome to him.

A Gentlewoman of singular beauty but highly conceited thereof, went to an Eminent Painter at Paris, ordering him to draw her Picture like a Maid to the Life in little, and yet represent her in full proportion. The Painter did as much as in him lay, and carried home the Picture to the Gen∣tlewoman, who misliked nothing there∣in but that he had drawn her too little. Page  181The Painter to excuse himself; said, Madam, I believe, considering your Age, it is very hard to find a Maid sobig as you.

A Gentleman of Paris that was much troubled with Rheum, was com∣plementing a Lady in the Lour, who by reason of that distemper, was for∣ced to spit at every Sentence; the La∣dy perceiving it (who was furnished with whatever Art or Nature could bestow upon her) said in railery, Sir, your mouth overflows, you would do well to take some course to drain that Fenny Body of yours, least in time, it lye totally drown'd in that Plegma∣tick humour. Pardon me, Madam (wittily repartied this Gentleman) If I say you are the cause of this distemper, if it be any; for how is it possible for a man to look on such a dainty curious piece of Flesh, as yours is, and his mouth not water.

CHarles the Fifth going privately to visit the Convent of the Jocobins in Vienna, met by the way with a Fellow, who got his living by Hogs, and then had a sucking Pig in his Arms going to market, which in the way grunted so Page  182much, that the Emperour could not endure it, wherefore said, do you hear, friend, have you not got the art of stealing a Pig when he Cryes; the Fel∣low (not knowing him to be the Em∣perour, seeing him not only meanly clad, but slenderly attended) said, Sir, it is a secret I understand not, and therefore I shall be much obliged, if you will inform me how to do it: Why then said the Em∣perour, if you will have your Pig leave off grunting, take and hold him by the tail; which the Fellow trying, found effectual: hereupon he said, In troth Sir, be whom you will, I see you have not your trade to learn now: for though I have been a Pig-merchant this thirty years, you are more knowing in it, then I.

LEwis the Twelfth, King of France, taking a view one day of his Army in the Plain of Chartrese, saw three Sol∣diers together, terribly slasht over the Face, and carrying their Armes in a Scarf, whereupon he said, Gentlemen how came you thus to be so roughly handled? by our Enemies (said one of the three) it seems then (said the King) they were too hard for you, and so consequently, the better Page  183men; your pardon Sr. (said one) we judge it no such matter, for as they did hurt us, so we killed them.

A Cyprian Dame, who had spent a considerable time in the Service of Venus, growing old, bethought her self how she could spend the residue of her days; and resolved upon the an∣cient and Venerable Profession of a Bawd, and that she might not be alto∣gether disappointed of those pleasures, she procur'd others, she painted egre∣giously. A Gentleman one time com∣ing to her house, and taking notice how ill she had laid on the Fucus, or paint, Drolling said, Most incomparable Madam, I cannot look in your face, but the lustre thereof makes my Eyes dazle; do they so (said she) I am sorry your Eyes are so weak, the Bastard Eagle cannot look a∣gainst the Sun, I wish your Eyes better, that they may be able to Contemplate my greater splendour.

A Young married Gentlewoman of the Town of Alerson in Normandy, had a Parrot whom amongst other things, used to say walk, Cuckold, walk;Page  184One day, a Doctor of Physick of her acquaintance coming that way, she per∣ceiving him, by often repeating those words to the Parrot, he spoke nothing else as he past along; the Doctor see∣ing the Gentlewoman by the Cage, made a stop, and said, Madam you have done very well, to teach your Parrot to call men by their proper names, as Walk Cuck∣old, walk, but you would have done much better, if you had taught him, how to di∣stinguish persons, which I perceive he is igno∣rant of, he takes me to be your Husband.

THE Count D'Avergne, going with a Natural Son to the King of France, to the Church in Paris, call'd Quinze Vingts, a place designed for the relief of the poor blind; in the Church∣yard there stood begging an old Man, who had totally lost his sight; yet was given too much to Curse, and Swear; the Count advised this Natu∣ral Son to extend his Charity to this poor Fellow, which he denyed, saying, I hate to give to Counterfeits, nay, said the Count, this man sure is not one; I but said the other he is one, and can see as well as I do, and to prove what I say, I will go to Page  185him, and without saying a word you shall see he know me; with that stepping to∣wards him, he came so near him that he chanced to tread upon his Toe; the blind man hereupon cry'd out, A Pox on you for a rotten Son of a Whore, go and be domn'd. Look you there (said this Natural Son to the Count) you may perceive by what he says, he knows me as well as you do.

EManuel Duke of Savoy, an ingeni∣ous and generous Prince, having been deprived of all his Estate by Henry the Fourth, was necessitated to go to Lions, where the King then was, to make his Address to his Majesty; on sign whereof he fell on his knees, humbly beseeching his Majestie to re∣store him to his former condition; the King seeing him in that posture, said, Brother, I am troubled to see you in this posture, and much more for your misfortune, but you must attri∣bute this to your own fault, and the force of Arms, however, rise, and assure your self I will do to the utmost of my power what shall conduce to your fu∣ture satisfaction and content. The Page  186Duke of Savoy seeing his Majesty in such a good humour, continued still on his knees, which caused his Majesty once more to say, rise; whereupon the Duke replyed, I am reduced to so low and weak a condition, that I cannot rise of my self, and nothing can raise me but your Royal hand Sir. Whereupon the King rais'd him at once, both on his Legs, and to his for∣mer Estate.

A Young man Married a pretty bucksome young Woman in Cha∣renton near Paris, and being in Bed, the first night he let a rouzing fart; his new Bedded Consort very much dis∣pleased thereat, askt him why he would offer so soon to play the Beast? Alas sweet-heart (said he) don't you know, when a Fortress is Besieged, in making a breach, the Cannons will roar; in troth Husband (said she) you need not have put your self to that trouble, for the breach was made, long since, wide enough for a whole Army to enter two in a breast.

A Young Cavileer, riding from Paris to Orleans, overtook by the way a sprightly young Lass, travelling Page  187on foot; taking pity of her, said, that if she pleased, he would take her up behind him; she consented, but the Horse would not agree to the Bargain, but kick'd and flounc'd strangely; Well Sir (said she) I see you are more civil than your Beast, who need not have taken it in such dudgeon to carry me, if he knew how Light I am; Excuse him sweet heart (said he) for I be∣lieve he thinks you fitter to carry behind than he; If so (said she) he deserves not the name of a horse, but an Ass, for any one that knows any thing may easily see, I am fitter to carry before than behind.

A Jolly Fellow at Orleans, living at Marsellis, being in Bed let a great Fart, and repeated it twice or thrice; hearing his Wife nothing but laugh, said to her, in troth you need not be so mer∣ry, for if this Wind continue, you are like to have foul and filthy weather; falling a∣sleep, she raised her Bum, and so bepist him, that it ran from the nape of his Neck down his Back to his Heels; he awakeing, askt her what the Devil she meant by that? Nothing indeed Hus∣band (said she) what I did was only to pre∣vent that loathsome Storm you threatned me Page  188with, for I have heard a little Rain will allay a great Wind.

A Taylor going to Confession, was askt by his Father Confessor, whether he had any thing in his hands which he had wrong'd another of? No indeed, said the Taylor (knowing he should be enjoyn'd to make restitu∣tion) I have nothing now, for I have disposed of my several Theft yesterday to a Broker, willing to discharge my Shop, as well as my Conscience; his Confessor hearing that, said, and indeed I have taken Physick to day which hath dis∣charged me of all my Pardons, so that I have not one left for such dissembling penitents.

SIgnieur de Morvilleers going to a Town called Swasie, met by the way a Fool, about twenty years old, to whom he said, Come hither friend, go along with me, and thou shalt be my Fool, doing nothing but Eat and Drink, and spend the time as thou wilt thy self. Ah, said the Fool, I cannot do that, I am my Fathers Fool, for he made me; if you will have a Fool, make one your self. But, said the Lord, I am Page  189more wise than to make a Fool; well then, said the Fool, I'le go and make one for you; then, said my Lord, ac∣cording to what you said before, he will not be my Fool, but thine; not so neither (said the Fool) he shall be all yours; for the one Half which your Wife helpt to make, shall be yours, and the other half which belongs to me, will I make a present of to you. Quere whether this was the saying of a Fool.

ONe day a Gentleman seeing Hogs in his Vineyard, called to his Ser∣vant and bid him go and see whose they were; being in a great Passion, he swore, Whosoever they were, he was certain they belong'd to a Cuckold, and a Cuckold maker, a Rogue, a Rascal, and a Son of a Whore: This man returning and hearing his Master say so, cry'd, Hold Sir, hold, the Hogs are your own; the Devil they are said he, well if they be, what I have said, I cannot unsay, and I must stand to't.

A Simple young man in Gascoign had a very great love to a young Maid as he thought, and that he might Page  190live with her quietly without wrang∣ling hereafter, he thought of this ex∣pedient; one day he told her, that it was his full intent to marry her, and to prevent future quarrels, he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart, that their Alliance might be stronger; amongst many other things, he told her, that in the heat of Blood he had got a Son, on a friend of his, which Son was yet living, and desired her not to take it amiss: No no (said she) I am very well pleased, and now, Sir, let me tell you, that a friend of mine got me with Child, and if you intend to fortify our Alliance, it may be done with another Mar∣riage, that is between your Son, and my Daughter.

A Butchers Wife in Paris having been suspected by her Husband to have Cuckolded him; to free him in part of that jealousie, seemed very devout, and frequently went to Con∣fession. One day she went to her Confessor, who amongst many questi∣ons, ask'd her, Whether sometimes she had not a mind to the Flesh? Indeed (said she) I Love flesh so well, that my Mouth waters Page  191when ever I see a good bit, though it be in Lent; but I hope you eat it not, (said he) not for a World, (said she) I but (said he) This is not the flesh I mean; answer me, whether you ever had Copulati∣on with any besides your Husband; no in∣deed Father (said she) I never had Colla∣tion with any but my Husband. Then (said he) in plainer termes, had you never a de∣sire to lie with another man? I must confess (said she) I had a great mind to an A∣pothecaries Man, our next Neighbour, but never did any thing; for indeed the Fool either would not, or could not understand my meaning, though it was as plain as a Pike∣staff. Ah Sister (said the Confessor) you know the will is as good as the deed; however for this time I will Absolve you; that being done, she dropt him a low Curtsie, and said, Father, I am willing to send you a quarter of Mutton ready roasted for Supper, if you will take it in good part. He thanked her, and said he would. The Service of the great Mass being finished, he with a couple of his Friends, whom he invi∣ted to Supper, came accordingly, but the Mutton came not, wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Butchers Page  192Wife who told him, she had sent it all∣ready, he delivering his Message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter: The woman remembring the words of the Confessor, said, Friend go tell your Master, I had a good will to send it, but my Husband would not let me; now your Master told me, we must take the Will for the Deed, and so he is like for me, and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton, as if he had received it.

A Gascoign newly coming to Paris, as he walkt the Streets, he saw the Kings Favorite richly Attired, and Magnificently Attended, which made him enquire of one standing by; who that should be? He is one (replyed the other) of great esteem at Court, and hath his Majesties Ear, hw (said the Gascoign) nay then it is no wonder that his Majesty is deaf to so many just complaints of late, if his Ear be in anothers Possession.

IT is said, that Women are a Paradice for Mens Bodies, a Hell for their Souls, and a Purgatory for their Pur∣ses. It hapned that a young Gentle∣man of Roan was very much in love Page  193with a fair and witty Gentlewoman of the same place; but had not the con∣fidence to acquaint her with his desires, at length finding an opportunity, bet∣ter then he could wish, he presumed at length to tell her how passionately he had Lov'd her for a long time, but had not the boldness to say so much before, thinking to have employed a friend in that affair. Sir (said she) I must pity your ignorance in that you do not know, that every mans self is the best Messenger in Amorous Affairs; accor∣ding to the Italian Proverb, Iministri non operan mai bene comea cui tocca: and knowing you to be a Traveller, you might have acquainted your self with that true Spanish Adage: Dlea una Mu∣ger una vez quiela quieres, el Diabolo selo dira ciento; that is, Tell a Woman but once that you love her, and the Devil will tell it her an hundred times after.

AT Calais there lived a young Wo∣man as famous for Wit and Beauty, as infamous for her debauchery: her Husband was a very silly fellow, and though he knew of the dishonesty of his Wife with several persons, yet he Page  194but mildly reproved her, fearing to do otherwise; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals; Alas sweet heart (said she) what will that signifie, since you know my Lock is such, that every Key will fit it.

A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Rouen, askt him, what was his name: my name, said he, is like my Fathers. And what is his Name? Why his (quoth he) is like mine. Then what is both your names (said the Gentleman) to which the Jester replyed, One like another.

A Gentleman of Provence had a Wife so plentiful stored with the worst of ill qualities, that he grew weary of his life, not knowing what to do or how to be rid of her safely, at length this pro∣ject came into his head; he had a Mule, which he fed four days with dry meat, without one drop of Water, all that while; the fifth day he perswaded his Wife to ride abroad with him to take the Air, and mounted her on that very Mule, which he knew she delighted in, Page  195and he himself backt another: riding a∣long they came at last near a deep River, at sight whereof, the Mule being parcht with thirst, and over greedy to quench it, ran violently into the midst thereof, which was out of his depth, and so lost his own with the life of his Mistress.

BErtrand de Guelclin, General to Charles the Fifth, who had no far∣ther occasion to make use of him at home, desired his Majesty to give him leave to march into Granada to fight against the Sarazens. Now for the Thieveries and violences this Bertrand had committed, both he and the whole Army were Excommunicated by Pope Ʋrban the Fifth. Bertrand takes his way into Spain by Avignon, where the said Pope had then his Residence, who hearing of a great Army marching to∣wards him, sent a Cardinal to know what they intended, or demanded: Bertrand made Answer, Tell our Holy Fa∣ther, that we are come to receive Pardon, and Absolution for thesins we have committed, and the punishments we have deserved, and to be freed from the Excommunication: Likewise we demand two thousand Florins in Page  196Gold for our present substance, and to carry us on in the work of propagating the Christian Faith. The Cardinal returning this An∣swer, said the Pope, It is strange, and wonderful to me, that these men should de∣mand Absolution and Money too, since we are accustomed to receive Money before we give Absolution.

ONe asking Diogenes the Cynick what he would have to take a cuff on the Ear, he answered him a Helmet. The same man walking in the fields, and seeing a young man shooting very unskilfully, went and sate down very near the mark; some asking him why he did so, he answer'd least peradventure he that shoots should hit me.

AN Abbot in a Monastery bid one of the young students to con∣strue an Hymn in which was this word Pedo, which signifies a shepheards Crook at which the Scholler was much puz∣led. Wherefore the Abbot command∣ed him to look that word in the Di∣ctionary, where having lookt, he crys out Pedo, Pedis, Pedere, which signi∣fies to fart, at which the rest broke Page  197forth into a loud Laughter; the Abbot being thereat very angry, struck one of them, saying, you Rascal, do you laugh, whilst we are talking of sacred things.

A Priest living in Popish ignorance, and willing to prove the Parish must Pave the Church, and not he, proved it out of the Old Testament, in these words, paveant illi, non illi, non paveam ego.

AN English man being in the com∣pany of a French man, said in praise of his Country, that we give the Lyon, the Prince of all Beasts, for our Armes; the French man replyed, 'tis true; yet, Leo Gallum per horrescit.

TWo Shavelings (alias Fryers) were in disputation, whether God had made more Worlds then one? the one of them alledged that Passage in the Gospel, concerning the cleansing of ten Leapers, being Christs words, Annon decem facti sunt mundi? the other having had recourse first to the Text, answered him as learnedly with the words following, Sed ubi sunt illi novem.

Page  198

A Certain man in Spain, being to be markt in the Fore-head for hav∣ing three wives, one said he might be spared, for he was markt in the Fore∣head when he had but one Wife.

Page  199

WITTY SAYINGS OF A FRENCH JESTER.

THat a Physician was naturally bro∣ther to the Wormes, because he was engendred out of Mans Cor∣ruptions.

He adviseth all men to be kind & cour∣teous to Hemp: being askt the reason, quoth he, it is the most revengeful thing in the World: for if a man beat it, especially in Bridewel, it is a hundred to one, but it will be the death of him shortly after.

Standing by some Swearing at Play, he said, He that swears when he loos∣eth his Money by Gameing, may chal∣lenge Hell by way of Purchase.

He said a Prodigal was like a Brush, which spent it self to make others go Page  200handsome in their Apparrel.

Seeing a man in the Pillory; he said, That certainly there must be a great deal of pleasant Oratory in it, or else men would not have their Eares nailed to it.

He said, That Antiquaries love every thing as Duch-men do Cheese, for being mouldy and Worm-eaten.

He contradicted one for saying, That the Players in Paris had but an idle employment; sure Sir (said he) you are mistaken, for their whole lives are nothing but Action.

Being asked by one, how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good, he answered, You must keep a Tobacco shop, and sell it, for certainly there are none else find good in it.

He said, That Poetry and Plain deal∣ing were a couple of handsome Wench∣es, and he that wedds himself to either, shall dye a Beggar.

He compared Women to Quich sands, which seemed firm, but if a Man came upon them, he fell in over Head and Shoulders.

Of all Trades he said, A Tooth∣drawer was the most unconscionable, Page  201because his Trade was to take away that, whereby every man gets his living. And that a Hangman's Profession was the most contemplative of all others, because he never was to work, but he was put in mind of his own end.

Seeing some Reapers in Harvest time, he told them, That Corn was a quarrelsome Creature, because it rose by the Blade, and fell by the Ears with those that cut them.

That Colliers and Mine-workers should be well acquainted with all Philosophical Secrets of the Earth, because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others.

That Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem, Because they are men not only of an high Calling, but also of a great reckoning.

Of all Knaves (he said) there was the greatest hope of a Cobler, for though he be ever so idle a Fellow, yet he is always mending.

One time seeing a tall Man, he said, That for certain he must needs be a great Polititian, because he had an ex∣traordinary reach.

He said a squint eyed Man could not Page  202but be very Circumspect, since he looked so many ways at once.

That Glasiers might be chosen, and concluded good deciders of Contro∣versie, or Arbitrators, For they spend most of their time in composing of quarrels.

That Carpenters were the Civiliest and honestest of all men, For they never do their business without a Rule.

That Physicians of all men had the best on't, For if they did well, the World did proclame it, if ill, the Earth did cover it.

That Vintners are very rash fellows, because they draw upon all occasions: and so expert at their Weapons, that they let very few go away scot-free.

That Fidlers are very unfortunate in their occupation, For they never do any thing, but it is against the hair.

That Trumpeters are ever subject to Distempers, For commonly when they are most in health, they will fall a sounding.

That Ostlers and Horse-coursers are happy men, For let the World go how it will, and let there be never so much alteration in times and persons, Page  203yet they are still to be accounted Stable-men.

A person Drunk one day, railing at him, he told the Company he matter∣ed not any thing what he said in his Cups, For he spake nothing that he could stand to.

He said, some Taylors were like Wood-cocks, because they lived by their long Bills.

That a Prison is a good Instrument of Reformation, for it makes many Rogues and Lewd Fellows, staid men. Discoursing of a Common-wealth, he said, That in that of Fishes there are many Officers, Herring is the King; The Sword-fish his Guard; Lobsters Al∣dermen; Crabs Constables, Dog-fish Serjeants, and their Yeomen; and Poor John, or Stock-fish, the common sort of people.

That Coblers might be said to be good men, because they set men up∣right, and are ever employ'd in mend∣ing Souls.

He said, that a Tavern and Houses of Entertainment were the only place for men to thrive in, For he said, He had seen many a score made there.

Page  204

That Carriers are wise men, for they will not meddle with any thing, but they will know of what moment and weight it is.

That Painters were cunning Fellows, For they had a Colour for what ever they did.

He said, that Court-gallants had rea∣son to be good Schollars, By reason they were deep in many Books.

One was saying to him, that some Letters in the Hebrew Alphabet were longer then any other whatever: That's not so, said he, for in ours we have one, an L long.

That Glovers get a great part of their living, by cutting Purses, and are never punish'd for it.

Seeing on a time a man with a great Nose and thin Beard, he said that the shadow of that mans long Nose hinder∣ed the growth of his Beard.

Hearing of a Wench (that was bred on the Alms of the Parish) who had left one of her Bastards to be kept by them also, I commend her, said he, for her gratitude; having done like the grate∣ful Stork in Holland, for it is reported of them, that they never depart but Page  205leave one of their young behind them, in recompence of the kindness they re∣ceived from their Land-lord.

He was wont to say, that the Portu∣guise seems a Fool, and is so; the Spa∣niard seems wise, and is a Fool; the French seems a Fool, and is wise; the Englishman is wise, but cannot show it; and the Dutchman would be wiser, were it not for his Liquor.

Well, said he, may sick persons be called Patients, since they suffer so much by their Physitians.

He said, that Soldiers in Peace, were like Chimneys in Summer.

Page  206

A BULL PROLOGUE.

Supposedly writ by Sr. W.D.

YOu who sitting here,
Do stand to see our Play,
(Which must this Night,
Be Acted here to day.)
Be silent pray,
Though you aloud do talk:
Stir not a jot,
Though up and down you walk,
For every silent noise
The Players see,
Will make them mute,
And speak full angerly.
O stay but here
Until you do depart,
Gently your smiling frowns
To us impart.
And we most thankless
Thankful will appear,
And wait upon you home,
But yet stay here.
Page  207

A BULL LETTER.

MY dear and only Son, yet dear thou ant not to me, I must needs say; for thou hast cost me nothing yet, but the pains I took to bring thee into the world, and since to maintain thee at home, and when but a Boy, I seeing thee a Lusty man, I sent thee my dear Child to London, and gave thirty pounds to Prentice with thee. I hear to my comfort, thou do'st want for nothing, neither cloaths, nor Victuals; yet fearing that Provision thou canst not come to at all times, I have sent thee a Cheese marked F thine one Fa∣ther-in-lawes Christen-name, and I have sent thee also an old Cloak of thine Uncles, to make thee a new Coat on't. Thou knowest I love thee too well, and therefore least thou shouldst abuse it, I would not have thee see it; to that end I have sent thee up twenty shillings by the Carrier, but thou must not know I sent it. Thy Sister is sick a bed though thanks be to God very well recovered, and so I rest as long as I live, and after Death,

Thy ever loving, &c.

Page  208

BULLS.

ONe hearing Mackerel cryed on a Sabbath day; seemed to wonder at it, and askt of his Friend why it was suffer'd; said the other, there are two sorts of Fish which are allow'd to be cryed on Sunday, and they are Milk and Mackerel.

Two Scullogues or Vulgar Irish men talking after their wises rate together, said one, Charles the first is dead, God bless him; now if Charles the Second (God bless him) dye, Must not James Dke of Yorke be called Chales the Third.

There are three things (said one) and all of them begin with one Letter which are very hurtful, nay destructive to mankind, and they are Wine, Women, and Tobacco.

Page  209

One protested to me that he knew a Fellow would wright a hand as good as most men, with his Toes.

Another speaking of the Thunder and Lightning we had much about the time of that dreadful Tempest which did so much Mischief in Holland, said, Lord what a Horrible Tempestuous Night we had yesterday Morning.

Two Fellows bragging what brave houses their Masters kept at Christ∣mas, says one, my Master Kills every day an Ox. Pish said the other, my Master Kills an Ox and a half.

One brought a Butcher before a Justice for Killing a Cow that dy'd in a Ditch of her own accord, and selling her flesh in the Market.

One told another with indignation that he had received an affront from a very Goose; Oh said the other, I know what Goose you mean; I am sure 'tis a Goose with too Legs.

Page  210

An ignorant She-cockney seeing a Goose with many young Goslins, said, she wondred how she could Suckle them all.

A Gentleman and his Man walking in the Fields, the man observed a Fel∣low riding on a Cow; look Master says he, yonder's a Fellow rides on Horseback on a Cow, that's a Bull, says the Master; No Sir, says the man, I know it is a Cow by his Teats.

One walking with his Friend, and both very poor, met with an old ac∣quaintance grown rich, Look ard one, don't you see who goes yonder, that wont see us; yes, said the other, He sees us wll enough, though he will not look upon us.

A Gentleman going by Water with his Friend, ell into some Discourse, which the busie Waterman under∣standing, Put in for a share in their dis∣course; one of the Gentlemen being angry hereat, told him, he was a saucy busie Fellow, in that he must have an Page  211Oar in every mans Boat, and bade him hold his Tongue; but he continu∣ing his babling, I protest said the Gen∣tleman, as they were in the middle of the Thames, If thou dost not hold thy Tongue the sooner, I will knock thy head and the wall together.

A grave Citizen of London, though not so wise as he should be, talking with some of his Neigbours concern∣ing his Shop, he had then newly Re∣built after the Fire; Truly (said he) I think I have contrived it to the best advan∣tage, for it hath the Morning Sun all day long in it.

'T was at first when the fashion of gray Freeze came up amongst the Gentry, especially for Riding Suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then A-la-mode, asked if there were no black of that colour, for he had a mind to have a Coat of it.

One exclaiming against another who ran away in his Debt, A Pox light on him (said he) I am sure I lent him six and frty good shillings all in half Crowns.

Page  212

When Guinneys were first coyned they were a great rarity in the Coun∣trey; one coming from London more gallant then wise, seeing the People so eager to see them, alas (said he) throwing down two or three of them, these are so common in London, that you cannot receive forty shillings, but you must take seven or eight of them whether you will or no.

One being chid by his Friends for wearing his Nailes so long; I can assure you said he, I pare them every foot.

After the sad and dismal Fire in Lon∣don, when nothing was left standing, but Ruines, one Passing by as they were pulling down a Wall; Have a care, have a care (crys he to the Labourers) for I see the Foundation just tumbling on your heads.

One sitting at Supper his Cat past to and fro through his Armes, brushing her Tail against his Mouth, this so offended him, that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her Tail, saying, I think Page  213now Mrs. Puss, I have given you an Ear∣mark: For the present the Cat absent∣ed her self, but the next day came a∣gain according to her wonted manner; whereupon in a fury, says he, Why, how now you troublsome Bitch are you come again, I thought I had given you your Break-fast last Night.

A Carpenter being at work in a Bowling-green, was askt, what he was doing? I am making a Bench for the stan∣ders by to sit upon.

A Scholar meeting a poor ignorant Fellow on the Road, How far friend (says he) to Cambridge? Faith Sir I know not (says he) but from Cambridge to this Town is counted seven miles.

A Physitian visiting a sick Woman, and finding her lye on her back, advi∣sed her to lye on her side, 'Tis very right Mr. Doctor (said her Husband) I always told her, her back was the worst ide for her to lye upon, and she would never believe me.

Prythee said one, why dost thou wear one of thy Stockens the wrong Page  214side outwards? O (said he) It hath a hole on the other side.

A company of Fellowes in the height of their mirth threw Tobacco Pipes one at another. Tom with a piece of Pipe hit John in the Face, but Tom denyed that he did it, well it was ill done of you Tom, though said John, who ever did it.

Two quarrelling in a Tavern were prevented from fighting by the Com∣pany, Well (said the one) though I am hindred from having my Revenge now, know that I will kick thee down stairs where ever I meet thee.

One in February drinking March Bear which was very mellow, complained of the newness of it, saying, Sure this March-Beer cannot be above six weeks old.

A Tobacconist who had fum'd away that little under standing he had, hear∣ing some praise and others dispraise his Tobacco, said, Well Gentlemen you may say what you please; but a sweeter and Page  215cleaner Tobacco you never saw, for I am sure there is neither leaves nor stalks therein.

A Precise Presbyterian, hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-green, said, Fie Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great mercy the Bowling-green doth not fall on your heads.

A Customer asking a Barber where he might have some Water to wash his hands, yonder (said he) there is some in that empty Tub.

One said, that the Wind changed very often that day; For (said he) I went up Corn-hill in the morning, and it was in my back, and in less then half an hour returning I found it in my Face, go∣ing up thither again in the Afternoon, I found it in my back again.

One seeing his Son play Roguish tricks, Why Sirrah (said he) did you e∣ver see me do so when I was a Boy as you are?

A very noted Bull-maker lying on his Death-bed desired of his Friends Page  216when buried, that they would for an Epitaph onely write these words on his Tombstone, Here lies honest Ralph, as dead as any man living.

One Amner the great Bull-maker of Windsor, tumbling one day over a Form, A Pox on't (said he) I have burnt my shins.

A Barber, in the Countrey, seeing his Neighbour cut down a Pear-tree askt him for some of it, why, what would you do with it said the other, I would (replyed he) make some Bx Combs thereof.

A Gentleman both Foolish and Co∣vetous hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against the Holy∣days; What (said he) do you mean to un∣doe me by such extravagant expences; I will have but halk a one kill'd at a time.

One bid his Shoo-maker make one of his Boots bigger then the other, and when he brought them home, A Pox on you for a Rogue (said he) I bid you make one bigger, and you have made one less.

Page  217

A Mechanick in the late licentious Times, when every sordid Tradesman took afreedome to Prate what he would instead of Preaching; I say this Fellow usurping the Pulpit, would needs be in his Comparisons, (said he) The wicked keep company and flock together as Beasts, Birds, and Fishes: The Whoremasters keep one another Company, as Goats on the Moun∣tains: The Whorish, Baby lonish Priests keep company, as Rooks, Daws and Crows seperate themselves, so do Drunkards meet together in numbers, accompanying each other even as the white Herrings swim together by them∣selves, and the Red Herrings by themselves.

One ordering the Cloath to be taken away having dined, and having Poul∣trey, said hastily, Pray be sure save the Chickens for the Crums.

A Fishmonger looking on a Well∣boat building to keep his Fish alive therein, observing but few holes, cryed out, d'ye hear you Carpenter, the holes are not full of Boats enough.

One of the Vergers of the King's Chap∣pelPage  218(a noted Bull-maker) coming in one Sunday morning, observed his Brother had placed several of his Friends in di∣vers Pews before any of the Nobility, &c. were come, being angred at this, he came running to the other Verger, saying, Prithee, what hast thou done, you have almost half filled the Chapple before any one is come.

The same man at another time meet∣ing his God-Son, askt him, whither he was going? To School said the Boy. That's well done (said he) there is a Tester, be a good Boy and follow thy Book, and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon.

One who took great delight in Cock∣fighting, kept Game-Chickens, who had made themselves bald by fighting, seeing them in that condition, he com∣plained to his Friend, saying, I don't know what I shall do with my Chickens, for what with fighting, and what with creeping under the Pens, these Today things have scrub'd all their hair of their Heads.

The same man came running to me Page  219one day and complained grievously of the unkindness of the Church-Wardens; Why, what's the matter (said I,) the mat∣ter quoth he; Why, they have divided my Pew, and thine which is next it, into one.

A Country Attorney lying in Grays un Lane over against the Gate, lest one day (as it is usual) a note in his door, to signifie where he was gone, but the Contents of this Note were very unu∣sual; for thus he writ, I am gone to the Grays-Inn-Walks Tavern, if you cannot read what here is written, cay it over the way to a Stationers, and he will do it for you.

A Gentleman more welthy then wise Travell'd into Italy with his Tutor, to gather understanding; being in Com∣pany a flattering French-man praised the Hilt of the English-man's Sword ex∣treamly, whereupon the Gentleman being of a free Spirit, told him, it was at his Service, his Tutor seeing this, was vext to some purpose, wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his Pupil for indiscretion, telling him, he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not panting with his Sword, Page  220particularly thus, that truly it should be at his Service, but that it was a gift of a dear friend, and withal, that he had a Dagger of the same: Well said the young Gentleman, I will beware for the time to come; the French-man com∣ing one Morning into his Chamber very much prais'da pair of Slippers that he then wore; Truly (said the young Gentleman) They should be at your Service, but that I have a Dagger of the same.

A Reverend Justice in the County of Norfolk being willing to befriend an old Servant of his that had stoln a Mare; said (as he sate upon the Bench) Gentle∣men of the Jury, this poor Fellow was once my Servant, and as honest a Fellow as ever trod on shoo of Leather, however he came now to steal a Mare, which is Fellony as I take it, and therefore ought to be Hang'd; but pray consider that he is very penitent, I can assure you, and will never do so again; wherefore to save his Life, pray go out and find it Man∣slaughter.

It is reported of a Mayor of an In∣land Town in the West Countrey, in the time of the Civil Wars, calling his Page  221Brethren together to consult the safe∣guard of the Town, from the injury of the approaching Enemy, said, Brethren let us seperate our selves together, and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to for∣tifie the Town; in short, it is my opinion, that there is nothing more to be done, but to make the Walls Navigable.

A Gentleman who had liv'd long e∣nough to be wiser, had a Maid-servant who was married out of his House, se∣veral years after, she came to visit her old Master, who at the sight of her was much over-joy'd, and made much of her, amongst many other questions he askt her, how many Children she had? To which she replyed; Sir, I have none and never bad any. Sayst so, that's very strange, that such a buck-some young Woman as you are should have no Child; but now I think on't, what a fool was I to ask that que∣stion, for now I well remember thy Mother bad no Child neither.

A Sea Captain newly came a shore, was invited to a Hunting Match, after the sport was over, coming home, he rela∣ted to his friend what pastime he had Page  222abroad, in this manner; our Houses being compleatly Rag'd, we man'd them, and the Wind being at West South∣west (Twenty of us being in company) away we stood over the Downs, in a time of half a Watch we spy'd a Hare under a full gale, we tackt and stood after her, coming up close, she tackt and we tackt, upon which tack, I had like to have run a ground, but getting close off, I stood after her again, but as the Devil would have it, just about to lay her Aboard, baring too much Wind, I and my Horse over-set, and came Keel upward.

A Foolish Gentleman riding upon the Road with his Man, was perswaded to ride faster, or else they should come late into their Ian; for said his Servant it is eight a Clock by my Watch, pry∣thee said his Master put thy Watch an hour backwards, and then we may ride eisurely, having time enough. The same Gentleman bid his man the next morning early, look out of the Window and see whether it was day, the Man looking out, told his Master, it was yet as dark as pitch, You fool (said he) if it be so dark, how canst thou see day unless thou 〈◊〉 Canale.

Page  123

One askt another, whether he had read such a Book from end to end: that's a Bull said the other, for a Book hath a beginning and an end but Inever heard before, that it hath two ends; It may be so said he; and you may as well say, that you never heard of a Man that could begin a Psalm backwards.

A Gentlewoman seeing her Servant go undecently about the House with her sleeves stript up to her Arm-pits, call'd hastily to her, saying, I wonder Wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy Armes about thy Elbows.

One askt another, what News from the Sessions-House? Why, said he, there were four Condemned, and three were whiz'd in the Fist; one where of I am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold Iron.

One was telling what a Stratagem a Bayliff used to take a person Indebted, who lay concealed, and would not stir abroad, said he, to cause the people of that house wherein the Person was, to open the door to see what was the matter, he ran to and fro Page  224in sight of the House stark Naked in his Shirt.

One commending his own Writing said, That he knew very few that writ better than himself; you talk like a Fool said the other, you Write, you Sh— I know a fellow that will Write with his Toes a better hand than you.

One askt another at Sea if he were forced to it, which he had rather loose his Legs or his Arms; In troth said the other, I had rather lose my Legs; for should I loose my hands, where ever I went I could not help my self, but sit with my hands in my Pockets.

Two Travelling over Shot-over-Hill to Oxford, said one, this Shot-over-Hill is a fine place for a Wind-Mill; I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither.

A Countrey-manseeing a great many stones piled up in St. Paul Church-yard, said to his Friend, I wish I had a good quantity of these stones at home: what would you do with them said the other? Why, said he, with those Stones I Page  225would build a Brick-Wall round my House,

A Traveller swore, that in the De∣serts of Arabia he had seen a Ʋnicorn with two Hornes.

One complaining to another of the unkindness of his supposed Friend, said, I no sooner turn'd my back but he abus'd me to my very Face.

One at Dinner demanded of another what part of the Bullock a Clod of Beef was, the other laught at his ignorance, and told him it was the shoulder bone of the Flanck.

One seeing an Orchard whose Trees were very full of Pears, askt one what the Owner intended to do with them all, O says he, he sells them to Bakers to make two penny Apple Pies.

A Fellow that was Rob'd complain'd, saying, The Thieves had stolen all his Brass and Pewter excepting one Iron Pot.

Two passing the streets in a serious discourse were interrupted by a Dumb Page  226Beggar, Sirrah (said one) don't you see we are busie, therefore leave off your impor∣tunity, or I'le set you packing, and thereupon lifted up his foot to kick him. O fie said his Friend, will you kick a Dumb man? Is he Dumb said the other? why did he not tell me so.

Many dining together at one Ordina∣ry, made a Match to play at Bowles, but one would play but two shillings Rubbers; before I will play for so little (said the other) I will sit down and walk Horses.

One indeavouring to prove which of all Creatures was longest liv'd, Swore that an Eel lived longest after it was dead.

One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court, the Ferry-man's wife at that time officiated, whereat he wondred, saying, I never tell now saw a Woman Ferry-man.

One being Sentenced to dye fell on his knes and begg'd of the Judge to spare him his Life for his poor Wifes sake and his Fatherless Children.

Page  227

One relating to his Friend how hard hedrank the Day before, said, Faith Tom I bore my Drink better than any of them for a long time, but at length, finding I could neither go nor stand, I sneakt away and ran home as hard as I could drive.

One was telling another, how health∣ful it was to live in a good Air, and how un who lesome in a bad, In troth I believe you sail be, for I my self lived in a Fenny, un∣healthy Air, where if I had lived till this time, I am sure; I should have been dead seaven years ago.

A Person boasting how good his Cre∣dit was, said, That he knew a Scrivener who would at any time lend him Forty pound on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scrowl.

One coming into an Inn, askt the Host, how long he had lived there, not three days yet, Sir, said he, the other pausing a while, askt How many Barrells he drew a week.

A Person of quality in a Church, coming near the place where his An∣cestors Page  228were buried, after he had prais'd them for worthy men, Well, said he, If I live I will be buried by them.

Two playing at Tick-tack for mony, he that lost, desired they might play a while for nothing; now he that before had lost so many Games, now won more, whereupon he said to the other, when we play for money you always beat me, But if you will play for nothing, I will play with you for an hundred pounds.

Two walking together in a Cloyster, and boasting of their running, one said to the other, Do you run this way, and I'le run that way, and I'le hold you Ten pounds I meet you, before you meet me.

A Purblind Fellow in a thick foggy morning, passing through Cheapside ran against a Post, and taking it for a Man said, I cry you mercy; and presently running against another, said, I cry you mercy again Sir, truly I think you and I shall meet in Heaven.

A Captain seeing a very proper man, askt who he was, his name is JacksonPage  229said one, I have heard of one Jackson who fought a Duel with Talbot and was slain, said he, this is not that Jackson is it?

One passing by a Polterers shop, and feeing a goodly Swan lying upon a Stall said, I wish that Swan were mine, why said the other, what would you do with it if it were, why said he, I would make a Goose-Pye on't against Christmass.

One seeing a parcel of merry Com∣panions, said, I marry Sir, now I see you are merry in sober sadness.

One going into an Ale-house, call'd for a Pot of all Ale with a little Beer in't.

A Hireling Player being deny'd the augmentation of his Wages, grew an∣gry, and said, If you wont, you shall see me in Ireland within these two dayes.

A Foolish fellow making lamenta∣ble faces, was askt what was the matter, O said he, I have such a pain in my Thigh, that I cannot lift my Hand to my Head.

Page  230

A blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, his Man came and: told him, That the old blind Minister was come to see him.

One who had been in the East-Indies, swore he had seen an entire Chrystal Rock of pure-Gold.

One falling from his Horse, and pitch∣ing on his Head, ran amongst a compa∣ny of People standing by, And swore his Neck was broken.

One complaning to his Friend, how many crosses he groaned under, said, My vexations are so great, I wish my self out of this Life, or out of the World, I care not whether.

One threatning another absent, mean∣ing to say, that where e're he met him he would kill him, though he found him pissing against a Wall, Swore hastily, that where e're he met him, he would run him through a Wall pissing.

One rebuk'd his Friend, for calling Page  231one Son of a Whore, for said he, You know his Mother hath the general repute of a very honest VVoman. It is true replyed the other, I know his Mother to be an honest woman, and yet he is the Son of a whore for all that.

One having his Head broken at the Bear-garden in several places, coming home, desiring his Wife to have a great care of him, for said he, I have ten broken Heads at least.

One praysing much the Lord Mayor of that present year; Another standing by, said, he had seen a Thousand better.

Another much alike. One complain∣ing of the badness of Trade in Smithfield, said, He had seen an hundred and an hun∣dred Bartholomew-Fairs, but never came a worse then that.

One said, He would never endure the Moon again, for said he, the Quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other Night; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch, and then slip∣ping behind a Cloud, she let me fall in.

Page  232

One being in the Water, desired his friend to come in also, to which he re∣plyed, he could swim no more then a Dog, being entreated the second time, said, I protest I can swim no more then a Post, and being prest the Third time, said he, Why then I vow and protest I can swim no more then a Goose.

One said, it was Ten miles from Lon∣don to Barnet, the other said it must be more, for it was so far to his knowledge forty years ago, and sure Miles, as all other things have their encrease.

One complaining of the Folly of the Age, swore Men were wiser in future times then now.

One being desired to sit down to Dinner, said, I thank you kindly, but I can eat nothing, for I have had a long time no more stomach then a Horse.

A Country Fellow askt what Sir Cop∣plestone Banfields Christian Name was? he answered, He had almost forgot, but certain he was, that it was either Richard, or Thomas

Page  233

One excusing himself to his Friend, for lying a bed so long, said, He came home very late last Night: why, how late was it, said the other? in troth said he, it was five a Clock in the Morning.

One looking in a Latin Book, was askt by a Friend that over-lookt him, whether he could read it or no? to whom he replyed, yes indifferently, but it is the most broken English that e're I saw.

A Fellow hearing one cry Sandwich Carrets, went to the Cart, and looking on them, said, These are not Sandwich Carrets, indeed said the Carter but they are; whereupon said the other, they may be Sandwich Carrets, But I will lay my Life, they were sown and reapt in Lon∣don.

One seeing a large fat Bull, said, I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow∣heels when she is kill'd.

A Gentleman man hearing his Friend spake very impertinently, said, Was ever Calf so brought to bed of a Bull before.

Page  234

One jearing a young Saylor, said, He was a fresh water Seaman.

King James lying sick, one prayed that he might Raign as long as the Sun and the Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.

One having lost his Gloves, said, I am so forgetful, that in my conscience I should loose my Britch, did I carry it about me.

One being newly marryed, being discovered by another to walk discon∣tentedly, said, Friend, since thou hast chang'd thy condition, thou walkest up and down like an Image.

One having a Cane in his hand, in merriment, offer'd to strike at his Friend therewith, Prythee, said the o∣ther, Leave off fooling, it is ill jesting with Edge Tools.

One said, He had rid his Horse till h had never a dry threed about him.

Page  235

One askt another, how he liked that Glass of white Wine which they then were drinking; marry, said he, I never drank Wine that pleased me so well, and is so good in every respect, yet to speak the Truth; I have drank better in France.

One being advised to go to Sea, be∣cause he was in Debt, No says he, I will not venture my life for my Liberty; let me tell you this in short, I know the Sea is dan∣gerous, wherefore I say, I had rather Travel all the world over by Land, then cross that Herring-brook, St. Georges Channel.

One having an extream Cough, said, Is one Cough be so troublesome, what should a man do if he had Twenty.

One being perswaded to tell a Tale, to make the rest merry, says he, I can tell you anotable tale, but to say the Truth, at present I cannot remenber one word of it.

A very old Country Churl, said, That the days in Queen Elizabeths time for exceeded ours for length, for now four Page  236and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter.

One going to a House of Office, fie upon't, says he, there is an odorifferous House indeed; I warrant they eat no sweet meats, that leave these foul sents behind them.

One askt another which was the best Pot-hearb; Why says he, in my opinion a good fat Leg of Mutton is the best Pot∣hearb in the Po

One speaking of the Weather, and the season of the Year, We are like says he, To have a backward Spring, for St. Matthews day lights on a Holy-day.

One seeing a Swan fluttering in the water, said, What an Ass is yonder Goose rather to live dabling in the Water then on dry Land.

One riding on a Pack-saddle to Red∣ding on a tyred Jade, says he, I never rid harder in my life, considering the slowness of my pace.

Page  237

A Justice examining a poor Thieving Scholar, said sirrah, you are an Arch Rogue, but take heed; for if you be once hang'd, your Book cannot save you from the Gallows.

A Cobler complaining to a Brother that he could not drink his Ale in quiet for a scolding Wife, Well, says he, it is no matter, for though she should cut my Throat and thy Throat, yet we will still drink our Ale together.

A Traveller complained to his Host, that he was much gaul'd in riding; How came that to pass, said he, I'le tell you said the other; my saddle was soft enough, but I be∣lieve my Breech came to be galled by riding over a long broken stony Causey.

One taking leave of his Friends, said, Well, since we must part, affection will break out of these dry Eyes, but farewell and be hang'd, I can but wish you well.

One going on the Ice, it crackt under him, well said he, If the Ice should break I shall be over Head and Ears, but 'tis no matter, I can swim if I were at the bottom of the Water.

Page  238

God forgive me says one, I seldom pray but when it Thunders, and then I can re∣member, forty years ago, for fear will quicken a dead mans wits.

One having his Candle knawn every Night by the Mice, says he, I will let my Candle burn every Night, and then I shall be sure, to save it from such destructive Ver∣mine.

Two Butchers seeing their Dogs fighting, one crys out, The brinded Dog proves the better man my life on't.

One asking whence Lobsters were brought, the other replyed, one might easily know their Countrey by their Coat, one sort are fetcht certainly from the Black-sea, and the other from the Red-sea.

One commended his Son for a good Scholar, for said he, He can read in any thing without Book at first sight.

A Gentleman in a Tavern seeing a Salt-sellar of foul Salt before him, call'd very angerly to the Drawer, Bid∣ing Page  239him bring up some fresh Salt presently.

Mr. Amner with some of his Friends was invited to a Funerall not far from Windsor, where coming and finding the House full of company, they went into an Arbour, having sate there a great while, Mr. Amner went in to know when the Corps would go to Church, but finding it gone, he came hastily to his Friends, saying to them, Come, come, what do you mean to stand fitting there. They are gone, and pointing over the Pale, and shewing them the Corps and people in the next Field, he said, do you not see? they are out of fight already.

At another time he complained to his Friend, saying, Never was man so a∣bused for coming over Datchet-Ferry, a Scurvy Woman Water-man put over the Boat and Landed me clean in the Myre.

The same Mr. Amner hearing some of his Neighbours perswading one to go into the Water with them in the Summer time, who could not swim; said he, Neighbour be perswaded for once by me, never go into the Water Page  240till you have perfectly learned to Swim.

Being asked, whether an intimate friend of his, lately Dead, had left him a Legacy? No in Faith, quoth he, not a Tester to drink his health.

About the year, 1671, there was an Insurrection in Dublin about the build∣ing a new Bridge over the Liffee, some time after, one of these fellows, who was known to be actuall in it, was brought before a Justice for some mis∣demeanour, the Justice knowing him, said, Sirrah, sirrah, you shall be hang'd if the Law will do it, you are a notorious Rogue, I remember you in the last Resur∣rection.

This Justice having rid very hard, his Horse grew sick, whereupon he complained, saying, Well, well, I have done very ill to ride my Horse thus hard, I doubt hee'l hardly ever be his own man a∣gain.

A discreet Alderman of Oxford told some of his Brethren, that they should Page  241overthrow the University in a Law∣case (which was then in agitation) if by searching the Antient Records, they could prove Henry the Second to have been before Henry the first.

One being to take a journey into the Country, was advised by a Friend of his not to go that day, for certain∣ly (quoth he) it will Rain; Pish (re∣plyed the other) It is no matter for Rain so it hold up under foot.

One reading the History of Elisha in the old Testament, and how the Chil∣dren mocked him, read thus, And there came three she Boars (instead of Bears) out of the Forrest, and devoured them.

Another reading part of an Epistle in the new Testament, read for Salure Epaphras, the chosen of the Lord, Salute Epaphras, the Cozen of the Lord. The same man reading of the unco∣vering the house in the Gospel, to let down the diseased, read, And they let them down in Coaches, for Couches.

Page  242

Another reading the Parable of the Sower, having it as he thought by heart, and not much minding the Book, but did half read it thus, said, And some seed fell among stones, and the stones grew up and choaked it. The same at another time read, And the sheep eat up one of the Moun∣tains? for the sheep eat upon the Mountains.

Another being to read that of St. Paul in the Acts, Hebraei sunt, sum et ego; read; ebraei sunt, sum et ego, and was at that time Drunk indeed.

Another taking his text of the Feast in the Gospel, How camest thou hither without thy wedding garment? And the man was Speechless; divided it thus. First a question, how camest thou hi∣ther, &c. Secondly, a answer, and the man was Speechless:

One walking abroad in a clear Moon shine Night, said, It was as fine a Night as a man shall see in a Sommers day.

A young Scholar was very much Page  243perplexed, because in all his Dictiona∣ry he conld not find what was Latin for Aqua Vitae.

One told a Melancholy man, that if he liv'd long that sad kind of Life, he would dye shortly.

A Scholar having a very little study, and a Company in his Cham∣ber desiring to see it, he told them, In faith Gentlemen, if you all go in, it will not hold you.

A country fellow having seen a gay Gentlewoman in a pair of Sattin Slip∣pers, describing her attire to his com∣panion, said, That the upper leather of her Slippers was Sattin.

A Gentleman o're taking another on the way, said, well o're taken Sir, the o∣ther replyed, and so are you.

Page  244

PLEASANT STORIES.

A Noblemans Revenge on a bold Serjeant.

IN Poictiers in France a Nobleman ow∣ing a considerable summ of Money, his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him, let it cost them ever so much; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose, one who was as impudent as Valiant, for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty. One day he met with this Lord, and boldly com∣ing up to him, told him what he was, and his business; the Lord made no resistance, but smothering his displea∣sure and revenge bid the Serjeant come along with him (it being about Page  245noon) he said, he would first dine, and then consider what was to be done. The Lord went to a Cabaret, or Ta∣vern, and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Ser∣vants and then fell into discourse with this Serjeant, who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing, and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt; the Lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his Gen∣tlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers, being brought, go now said he, and pair that fellows nails very close, pointing to the Serjeant; he seeing there was no avoiding it, patiently endured it, although the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick; this being done, the Lord came to him, saying, Now, Sir, I am assured you cannot scratch me, and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither, so forcing him in∣to a Chair he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one; Now, Sir, (said he) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality; yet now, Sir, I will be kind to you after all this, I will sweeten your sauce for you; so causing him to be Page  246stript stark-naked, he commanded Honey to be brought, with which he annointed him all over and roll'd him in Feathers: never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous; Last∣ly, he caused a Label to be fixt to his back, wherein were written these words, This is Anti-Christ. Now said the Noble-man, I shall take my leave of you, not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf, I doubt you may be indisposed, and therefore you shall ride home; hereupon this Poor Devil in Feathers was mounted, with his Hands tyed behind him, and his Face to wards the Tail of his Horse, and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the Peo∣ple.

The Contented Cuckold.

A Nobleman of France did very late∣ly fall in love with a Citizens Wife of Paris, and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance: This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of this Female Friend come into the Palace 〈◊〉, and by en∣quiry Page  247sound that his business would not quickly be dispatcht, where∣upon away he slunk out of the Court, and got privately (as he thought) into the house o this Citi∣zen, but it seems he was discovered by this Citizens Brother, who detest∣ed the debauchery of his Sister, and therefore presently dispatcht away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered. The Citizen presently takes his Alarm, and thinking his feet too flow, took Coach and drove Je∣like, to hinder what was allready past prevention. His Wife hearing a Coach come in that Furious manner to her door, imagin'd she was betray'd, and therefore advised the Lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided, in case any such discovery should hap∣pen: hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs, for hast left his Cloaths on the bed, which shee seeing, in as great haste and confusion, threw them into a Chest, but so unadvisedly, that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung out, of which she took Page  248no notice, but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd, as if she had no more harm in her than in a little Fe∣male Devil newly arrived at the Teens, Her Husband entring the Chamber, said, Madam, I understanding that my Lord came to visit you this morning, I thought he might also have some business of great importance to whis∣per in my ear, and this made me re∣turn sooner than you expected. The Gentlewoman confidently replyed, that he was mis-informed, for there had no body been with her that day. Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the Chest, and ask't whose it was, and how it came thither, this subtle Woman, who like the rest of her sex, never wants an excuse in time of extremity, replyed, (but trembling) Sweet heart, I beg your pardon, for my forgetfulness; A Gentle∣woman, wanting money brought it me to shew you, defiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it; let mee see it (said he) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was, and without discovering any passion, pull'd off his own Coat, and Page  249put on that Embroydered with Gold; when he had so done, come come said he, I must examin your Wardrobe, and looking into the Chest found what appertain'd thereunto, as Hat, Cravat, Breeches, &c. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe; being thus gallantly, nay, nobly attired, he struts to and fro the Chamber, admiring himself in his Walk, and when he had left off adore∣ing himself, said he, now prethee Wife tell me, don't I look like a Lord? have not I his very Mein? I cannot believe but I am one now; do thou believe so to, and we shall hug one the other oftner; but all this while I pitty the poor Gentleman that owns them, for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night, and losing all, is for∣ced to deposit his Garments, and is it may be now a cold for his heat of Fan∣cy. This Noble-man being in a strange confusion, knew not what to do, nor say; at length collecting a little cou∣rage, she had the confidence to say, Sir, you strangely impose upon me; for why is it not as-Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids, as for you to go so often to the Ex∣change? Page  250No, replyed he since you have fitted me for the Court, I'e no more to the Exchange; and thereupon instant∣ly went down stairs, and calling for a Coach, ordered the Coach-man to drive him instantly to the Palace Royal, where dismounting, he betook himself to the long Gallery, where the Nobi∣lity usually frequented, at his ap∣proach, the Eyes of all the Court were upon him, every one wondering what this Fine thing should be, after several opinions were spent upon him, it was concluded by the most, that as he was a stranger, he could by his ha∣bit be no less than a Nobleman; at length a Courtier, drawing near to Caress and Complement this Noble stranger, looking steadfastly in his face, knew him, and cryed out aloud, O the Devil, is it you Mr. Coqulineux; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty first of a strange sight was newly come to Court, viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in, which was as the o∣ther designed and desired. At first fight the King knew the Person, and Page  251to whom those fine Cloathes properly belong'd, and was strangely surprized at the fight of both so improperly con∣joyn'd. At length says the King, Co∣quelineux, prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance: wouldst thou by this Garb (because I am in thy Books) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate? Though I owe thee Money, yet Iowe thee no such honour; besides, if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord, thou art mi∣staken in the time, for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention, and perceiving an Answer was expected, replyed, May it please your Majesty, my intent of coming hi∣ther, was to 〈◊〉 other nd then to restore to the right owner his due. This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wives Chamber, and discovered where she ad laid them by the sleve of this embroydered Coat hanging out of the Chest carelesly: upon a full view, I asks whose they were; she very ingeniously told me, A Gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me, to know how much I would lend upon them, but I mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of Quality, thought fit to put Page  252them on, and walk publickly at Court, for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight, than any discription. The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty, and simplicity in his Mercer; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in, whom he concluded to be left without Garments: now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight, he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House, and there search for this Noble-man, and, if found, to bring him instantly to Court, sans all excuse of going any where else. This Lord fearing some such design, thought any delay danger∣ous in staying, cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mrcer, and as an assistance to his disguise, he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up, which be∣long'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered, as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants, who knowing him by his Countenance, told him in Page  253few words, what his Majesty had com∣manded them, and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty: he seeing there was no a∣voiding it went (not without great dis∣order in his thoughts) with the Officers. The King and several of the Nobles see∣ing this Lord in such an Antique dress, fell into such a Laughter, that they ut∣terly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence; The King having laught his sides sore, had at last leisure to say; how now Cozen, whence came you? the Nobleman, who was very facetious, presently replyed, from Hell I think an't please your Majesty, for I came from a bottomless pit: Indeed (said the King) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere. You are in the right Sir (said the Lord) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil, and laid his Damm: in short, I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth; a Friend of mine was in a high Fever, and wanted a cooling Clyster, and would have none to administer it but my self: I pittying her condition, in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Cha∣ritable Physitian. The King by these wordsPage  254very well understood what his Cozen had been doing, and in railery checkt him: saying, indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband; for the time to come forbear such practices, if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already: for see there, a Mercer chang'd into a Lord, and here a Lord chan∣ged into a Conjurer; and so dismist them, allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received, whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment.

A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants.

IT is customary among the Nobility, and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the hu∣mour of the Countrey; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the swear embraces of hit lovely consort, Page  255rising from his own bed he would stead out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly, she knowing his custome gave him admittance; now besides the Mode, he had another reason (as he said) to approve thereof, because it lookt so like whoring. Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of Marriage Bed, he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber, and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he concluded that Night best for the ac∣complishing his Design, in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time, without my putting the modest to the extra∣yagant Page  256expence of blushes. All I shall say is, That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence, although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise, but the coming of her husband twice as she supposed; whilst she was thus ru∣minating with her self being left alone, her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before, comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance, she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in; as he was about to prosecute his accu∣stomed enjoyment, his Lady begg'd him to forbear, urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Could not you my Lord (since you find so great an alterati∣on) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions, but that you must again expose your body to the injury of the cold in so short a time again; and com∣ing a third time, in less than two hours? Page  257Nay, nay sweet-heart this is but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replyed, That she was not mistaken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a ver∣tuous Gentlewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce. Having laid a while (in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could) he got up, and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long, but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male-ser∣vants Chambers that were about him, making, along as he went, a strict en∣quiry with his Nose in every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well sented. There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition; because, besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex, he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance Page  258groping up and down in the dark he sound his Bed, and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers, and snipe off one of his Whiskers, for then it was the Fashion to wear them. This Fellow was a wake, and by this knew very well his Master, and his Design, first by smelling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he in∣stantly starts up; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid, cuts off (from every one that had any) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone, stood staring one upon another like so many distracted Bedla∣mites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and thereupon Page  259some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, o∣thers took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed, and running to see what was the matter, they were so surprized with the strangeness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, they laught beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Se∣mi-barbarians finding themselves laught it by their fellows, whom they observed not so abused as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whether it was so 〈◊〉 no, diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others. Now did the Combat begin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Ser∣vants, and that if he came not quickly and decided the Controversie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance. Hereupon his Page  260Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms, & commanded they should come before him; and having cleansed them∣selves from the Blood, each Face by Fighting had contracted; (for as they then were, one Face could hardly be di∣stinguisht from the other) they appear∣ed before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were pos∣sest with the same different Passions as their Servants' were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whis∣kers, as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defend∣ants alledged that they were guiltless of the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assault∣ed by them. To end the Controversie, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker, whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me; their former passion was now converted Page  261into another of that for fear, so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before; look here (said my Lord) whose remaining Whisker matcheth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my re∣venge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and beg'd his Pardon, confessing the whole Truth; for this witty in∣deavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and de∣livered him over to the abused Semi∣whiskers who got a blanket and tot him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tot his bones out of his skin, as well as him out of his Lordships service.

A mad Wooer well sitted.

ONE Wooing a Widow, more to satisfie his Friends, than to oblige his own inclination; told her, that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her. The first was, when he went abroad, and returned home he should be angry with∣out a cause; Secondly, he must eat his meat alone; And Thirdly, that he should lye with her but once a Month. If this be all (said she) I care not; for as to the first,Page  262you say, you shall be angry without a cause, I will take came to give you cause e∣nough, never fear. And for the second in eating your Meat alone, do and spare not; but it shall be after I have din'd. And as for you Lying with me but once a Month, take your course; if you will not, another shall, for in that time, I shall have a Months mind to another.

A great noise to little purpose.

IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeths Reign, there was a great rumour of an Invasion, where upon great numbers of Horse and Foot were rais'd about London, insomuch, that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted; but all coming to nothing, a Countrey Gentleman then in the City askt his Friend, to what end was all that Mustering in London and Middle∣sex. To what end (quoth the other?) why to Mile-End; for there was the general Muster. And to what end were so ma∣ny Barges, and Liters sent down to block up the Thames? To what end? why to Gravesend, quoth the other. I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water? To Page  263what end (quoth the other?) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all.

The Amorous Contest.

THE Duke of Lerma used, by way of Magnificency and State, when he washt before Dinner, to give a Ring to him that held the Bason, and another to him that held the Ewer: One time above the rest, having a Diamond Ring on his Finger, he made this publick propositi∣on, that whosoever of the Company could relate the saddest story in Love Affairs should have the Ring: where∣upon a Gentleman there present under∣took the task, and thus began.

May it please your Grace to under∣stand; that I along time served two Mi∣stresses, of different Form and Feature, the one as foul as the other fair; the one loved me, whom out of meer gratitude I was obliged to shomsome respect; the other hated me as much, as I lov'd the other be∣yond expression. Being utterly destitute at last of all hope and Comfort, I dedi∣cated my whole time to solitude, which in a Page  264little time brought on me a desperate Fe∣ver, which in the opinion of my Physicians would not end, but with my Life. The re∣port hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear, made her come to visit me, who seeing to what weakness I was reduced, smothered no longer her flame (having for some Rea∣sons hitherto, concealed her soft Passion) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition. No Cordi∣al could so revive my Spirits, neither Jlip so allay my unnatural heat, as did these sweet and melting expressions, so that in a short time I recovered my strength. Her Father hearing of her Love, vow'd to cross it, and thereupon lockt her up from my sight; but finding (do what he could) that we privately conveighed Letters to one another; he animated my Rival to fight me: In short we fought, and by the happy Influence of Heaven, I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death: Now the Law of my Countrey being very severe against Duels, I was forced to flye, hoping in time Page  265my friends would procure my Pardon. But now to make my Misery compleat, the cruel Fa∣ther of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour, the Corrup∣tion of whose Body rendred him fitter for a Grave than a Marriage Bed. Now, if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addi∣tion, and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring, be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self.

He had no sooner ended his Speech, but another thus began.

Great Prince,

J Must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his. He received at once, both a Pardon for the Murther and a Letter from his Mistris to make haste into her imbra∣ces; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey, he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey, and I willingly yielded to his invitation. Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy, and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth entertain. Long did their Kisses inter∣rupt their Speech, which at length brake out in∣to unfained protestations, how much their past Page  266miseries had indeared each to other. When they had chatted their fill, to Supper we went, which finisht, a Banquet succeeded, ravishing both to Eye and Palat. This ended, one comes in, and whispering the Lady in the Ear, she in∣stantly chaug'd Colour, and cry'd out, she was undone for ever, unless I did her one friendly Office, which should eternally engage her to me; having told her, I desired no greater honour than to dye in her Service, she then inform'd me, that the old Count her Husband was re∣turned, and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming. Now Sir, said she, not daring to trust any of my Maids, with the Secret of my Friend's being here, but you and my Sister, do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband who with∣out doubt will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you, for other dalliance you need not fear him; besides Age hath not yet brusht your Chin, so that it seems to me as smooth as mine; this means shall I and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loves de∣lights to you alone. In short, Sir, I was not on∣ly attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid, but I heard him Page  267breath, and felt him stir and move towards me, whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loathsome touch; but he mov'd still onwards, and I farther, and farther, till I lay half naked out of bed. In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone, on a suddain my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Chamber, he in his Shirt, and she in her Smock: my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder, fear of my own detection, and amazement at their boldness, thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted. At length com∣ing to the Bed-side drawing the Curtains, each of them with a Tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed, for instead of the old rotten Count, there lay by me the Sister of the Countess, who for sprightful youth, and charm∣ing beauty Nature never yet produced her like. Now, when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex, and what a Heaven of happiness I, by mistake, bad lost, I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self: my friend reaped his enjoyments, which I am never like to do; for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I heard she is removed I know not whither, so that I must now languish and dye in the Tyranny of restless desire.

Page  268

This Spech being ended, the Duke confessed that they both deserved much, but he questioned whether the Counts Sister deserved not as Much as both, nay, more, for she knew who was in Bed with her, and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it, aggravates vexation to the very height, and therefore said, the Ring to her did properly belong.

A Story of Purgatory.

THe Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason and indued it with this vertue, that whosoever dropt a French Crown into it, or to that value, his Friends Soul should instantly upon the sound of it be deli∣vered out of Purgatory. In the Town where the Priest liv'd dwelt a mad de∣bauch'd fellow, whose Uncle had left him a good estate. To him this priest came, and offer'd for a French Crown to free his Vncles Soul from Purgatory. The young man replyed, it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he took out a Crown, and dropt it into the Bason, then askt the Priest if his Uncles Soul was yet out of Purgatory? I dare lay upon my life it is freed, said the Priest; which Page  269words were no sooner said, but the young man took up his mony again, and put it into his pocket, wherat the Priest displeased said, if you take your mony again, his Soul will again enter into Purga∣tory. Nay said the young man there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obstmate an old Knave, dead, as he was, living, if he be once out all the Devils in Hell cannot get him in again.

The Cheater Cheated

A Comly Matronly Woman (whom I shall forbear to nominate) lately lived in the Burrough of Southwark, who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body, and furniture of a house, held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit. Ma∣ny plots she laid, but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage, till she chan∣ced to bit upon this stratagem. She had a Daughter which was more hasome than honest, and much more witty than wise, in short, both Mother & Daughter were as right as my leg, and as good as Page  270ver twang'd. These two consulting together, concluded thus, that they should in the first place change their habitation, but before they did it, the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors, alias a Tally-man (with whom the was acquainted) and took up all the Materials belonging to man's Ap∣parel, which she said was for her Hus∣band, who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea, against the Hollander. She told her story so plausibly, express∣ing so much joy for his escape, and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband, that the Tally-man did, not only trust her with a Suit of mans apparel, but fur∣nisht her self with many necessary things she wanted. Being laded with credit, home she came, and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects, the old Gentlewo∣man plaid the changling with her sex, by throwing off her Female weeds, and cloathing her self, in every respect like a man; the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead, and that being left to the wide world, Page  271she knew not what course to steer for want of advice; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea, did court her, but she was fearful of engaging; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of di∣vers of the Neighbours, partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue, that they undertook not only to advise but assist her. Whereupon understand∣ing that her Sweet-heart lay as a Lodger in her house, some of them came to en∣quire into his estate, and being very well satisfied therein, they then inquired in∣to his resolution of marrying this young woman, he protested he loved her be∣fore any in the World, and if she would they should be marryed the next day, it was agreed upon, and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed ac∣cording to form; great was the jollity that day, and night approaching they went to bed together, but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed, but by a dream or the strength of imagination. The next day their mirth increased, neither was there any diminution of it for one Page  272whole week. Having spent time enough in rejoicing, they now pretended to mind their business, the one for the house and the other abroad, who carry∣ed her business so craftily, that she was not in the least suspected to be any o∣ther than she seemed to be, for she was a Woman of an undannted Spirit, and ha∣ving a nimble Tongue and quick inven∣tion, she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand, Hol∣bourn, or Convent-garden; besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation, she could Smoak, Drink, and Swear with any Damme, within twenty miles of London; but when she returned home, and was amongst her Neighbours, she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobrety, never Swear∣ing, nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity. Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours, she was now resolved to make use of their Purses, which she might easily do, by pretend∣ing she had a great deal of mony due from the Navy Office, and which she had not received, but should speedily; and to confirm their belief shewed them Page  273several counterfeit Tickets. This so wrought with some, that they lent her mony, and though not every one much, yet many a little makes a Mickle. Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others, and not during to stay any longer in that place, they secretly re∣moved and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men, and Women, and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession, which was very plain, and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was (as so drest) an innocent harmless Cuc∣kold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife, that every one judged him what he seened, and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such con∣venient times as the old one went abrod on purpose, or was more than ordinary busie below; by this means they had a very great Trade, especially by that Venery which was winkt at as aforesaid; in this manner they continued a good while, and I have been credibly inform∣ed, that the Mother, (and supposed Page  274Husband to her own Daughter) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions the had pimpt for her Daughter, she would put on her own Female Habit, and sitting in the house as a customary Plyer, the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return, did play the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were ap∣prehended, for keeping a disorderly house, and being carryed before a ju∣stice upon Examination were found guil∣ty of what was alledged against them, and so were committed to Bridewell, the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man, but could not for the present tell where; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Juris∣diction, hereupon he seized her doublet, and striping it open, found by her Breasts what he had suspected; the for∣mer Justice was informed hereof, who sent for them both to appear before him, upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman, and Mother to that young woman she had marryed; likewise it was proved Page  275against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans appa∣rel to enjoy her Amours with the great∣er security abroad, for which, they were both sent back again to Bridewell, where they were severely lasht for their cheat∣ing Metamorphosis.

Page  276

A CLUSTER OF CHOICE NOVELS

IN June last 1674. coming by White Chappel-Church, which was all new built, but the Steeple (that remain∣ing still in its ancient homely habit) I per∣ceiv'd a person reading a Paper which was stuck against the new walls; being inqui∣sitive I drew near, and found these follow∣ing lines written thereon.

A new Church, and an old Steeple,
A dull Doctor, and a perverse people.

It happened hereupon that the Gentle∣man and my self agreed to drink a glass of Wine together, where having descanted on these lines a while, and finding me much delighted with Novels that are plea∣sant, he made his introduction to the re∣lation of some, by these which follow, which may be more properly called JestsPage  277than Stories. Thus he began; It was not long since that I was in Holborn, where I saw two high hot Huffing Hectors (about three quarters drunk) justle a Gentleman, who had never a Sword by his side: he asking them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility, they instantly drew upon him; it so hapned that the Gentleman at that time (he being much in Debt, and fearing an Arrest) had a brace of Pistols in his Pockets, which he drew, cockt and presented; at sight whereof one fled, and the other staid no longer than to say, Da— me blood, Sir, had you a Magazeen of Swords, I would have stood the shock of them all, but Rot-me, I will not encounter him that car∣ries a File of Musqueteers in his pocket.

Another.

A Gentleman being very much in Debt, kept close within doors, and never stir'd abroad, which made all the waitings of the Bayliffs for him ineffe∣ctual, several snares they laid for him, but he by his wariness shun'd them all, till the goodness of his own nature to one, betray'd him to the cruelty of others in this manner. Page  278There was a Smith who lived opposite to this Gentlemans Window, through which, every morning very early, for the benefit of the fresh Air, he used to look out, which this Vulcanian Rascal took notice of; and being before bribed by some Officers for his Apprehension, he thought of a way how to betray this poor Gentle∣man into their Clutches. He went and told the Officers what he intended such a morning and ordered them to be ready in some ambush very near him, for he que∣stioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the Gentleman out of doors. The Smith having bought him a rope over night, got up very early the next morning much about the time the Gentleman used to look out of his win∣dow, having got upon his Grindston, he threw a Rope cross a Beam in his own shed, where he might be easily seen by the opposite Gentleman, and having made it fast above, he put the noose about his neck, and then extending his hands to Heaven, with elevated Eyes, he pretend∣ed to say his Prayers, the Gentleman see∣ing this, out of meer pitty and commi∣seration, ran out with all the speed he could, the Bayliffs seeing that, ran out Page  279and surprised him; the Smith hearing a noise, endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter, and in that motion, slipt from the grindstone, and there hung; the Bayliffs being busied, and over-joy'd upon the seizing their Prisoner, never minded what became of the Smith, but going away with their Prisoner to secure him, left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a Treachery,

Another Smith living in the Countrey, there was a nest of Hornets in the Thatch of his Hovel, who had made their way quite through, and as he was at work on a long Curtain rod red hot, an Hornet stung him; at first he minded it not very much, but presently after came another, and stung him in the face, this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch, cry'd out are ye there ye Devils, i'le set fire in your Arses pre∣sently; hereupon he ran with the rod to the Forge, and heating it again, he ran it up at them, and withal running through the thatch set it a fire, and so revenging himself on his enemies he half ruin'd him∣self by burning down his own Hovel.

Page  280

Another.

A Person being very Rich, was like∣wise ostentatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably hand∣som, and was intirely beloved by a Coun∣try Gentleman, of no mean Estate, having gained the young Gentlemomans con∣sent, he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passi∣on, their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune, and therefore not only refu∣sed his offer, but very uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their misfortune, and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter, he would never give them a farthing. He obeyed their commands in that, but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't; Love soon found out a way to effect it, at which interview he told her what had past between him, and her Pa∣rents, and the refusal of the Match propo∣sed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be con∣stant, Page  281he would never forsake her; and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affection offer'd to Marry her immediat∣ly, she consented, and being married with all convenient speed, they perform∣ed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Fathers House, desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing.

A few days after this new married Gen∣leman got his (supposed Maiden) Wife in∣to his company, and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Country, giving her directions where to send to him, and that if she prov∣ed with Child, and that her Parents should discover it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable, and when pres∣sed very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me.

Upon this they parted, and she prov∣ed with Child according to his expectati∣on. Page  282The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter, with the swelling of her Belly,, took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was not with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and tears, confessed that she was, and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it: The Mother like a Woman distracted, first lockt up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband, and calling him aside, told him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family, and by whom; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife; but at length they both con∣cluded that it was but a folly, either to rave or rail at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their Daughters Honour,. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and acquain him with what he had don, requiring satisfaction; this Letter was sent, and another return∣ed by him in Answer thereunto; to this effect, That it is true he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whether he got her with Child, for she that can dispende with be∣ing a Where to one, will be so to another. In Page  283short he concluded, that he had no more to say than this, That if she would be so im∣pudent, to lay the Child to him he must main∣tain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure, he had purchased of her.

This return netled them to the heart, and show'd it their Daughter with all the opprobriums that can be uttered. The poor young Woman replyed not a word, supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, re∣questing the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had extraordinary business where he was, and that he nei∣ther could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swell'd, so did their sorrow, searing there was no remedying the cause thereof.

Upon another consultation the Daugh∣ter told her Father, that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman caper, Nay then said he we are well enough; immedi∣ately calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he Page  284wrote another Letter, charging the Gen∣tleman home with his Promise some∣times threatening him, if he made it not good, and then sweetning him again, &c. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condescend to what he most de∣fired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, than to understand his will and pleasure. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloath be∣ing taken away, there was no other dis∣course, than how to salve up their Daughters Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an incouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slight∣ed it, alledging further (with a Sir-re∣verence to the company,) he would never, sh—in his own Hat, and then clap it on his head; as they advanced he more and more slights their propo∣sals, saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds, to be paid immediately, he ac∣cepts of it with this Proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter Page  285now goes with, there shall be paid more, five hundred Pounds: it is agreed to, and the Parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediate∣ly, the Country Gentleman agreed there∣unto, and presently sent away for the same Parson that married them; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I have done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? 'tis very true replyed the Son-in-law, and for Confirmation, see here the Certificate before your Daugh∣ter was with Child; and so she is no Whore, but an honest Wife. Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gull'd, but since it is no worse, and that our Fa∣mily is not defamed, I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together.

Another.

A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich in having so hand∣som Page  186a Woman to his Wife, and was ne∣ver blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment. This Frenchman pre∣sently had her in his Eye, and courted her importunately, and expensively, but to no purpose; Treats proving ineffectual, he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratcht his head not know∣ing what to do; Poverty perswaded on the one side, and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his money, and that is thus: I will pretend to go out of Town such a day, then do you upon the con∣dition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tom—the Cob∣ler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed, and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold Page  287(which you must have first) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and sur∣prise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of the assignation, who though he understood that the hus∣band was gone our of town, yet he fear∣ed an ambuscado, and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entring the Room, he caressed her, ala mode de France, and be∣ing very fiery, he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what haste she could to bed, and he would follow after. In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undrest himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, askt him what he meant? No ting Madam of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me ford by mee side, me Pis-stools in mee haunds, and de Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head; not to lose time, he storm'd the Fort, and took it, and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach Page  288was made in the assault, yet he boldly entred again and took possession. The poor Cuckold (and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisp∣er, for fear of being heard; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, leapt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his Sword, went to the farther end of the room and drest himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused her self, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute, she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not—for love, begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went couragiously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman; what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay atop of me, and what would you Page  289have us to do said they, since you both did lye a Top of us; well Husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and your self an unpardonable Cuckold.

Page  290

THE SELF-DECEIVER.

A Merchant of London, growing old and Rich, Retired himself a little distance from the City, for the Benefit of the Air, and took with him his Si∣ster and an only Daughter, having no other Relations living; and though he had left of Trading, yet some busi∣ness he had with a Merchant in the Ci∣ty that called him thither thrice a week compleatly. A Servant to the Core∣spondent of this old Gentleman, had a great and real love for his Daughter, whose Beauty alone, without the in∣couragement of a Vast estate her Fa∣ther intended to give, was inducement enough for any mans affection; and such was his Happiness that she enter∣tain'd a more than common kindness for him; but it was both their un∣happiness, Page  291that the Father understood their loves, and to prevent their fur∣ther growth by meetings, he commit∣ed his Daughter to the careful tuiti∣on of her Aunt, who was so jealous of her trust, that she walkt, nor talkt with any unless she was present, so that she was inaccessible to her Languishing despairing Lover, yet did he leave no means unattempted, if not to dis∣course, yet at least to see his beloved object, haunting the House like some disturbed Ghost, but all to little pur∣pose. The Fates at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers, infused a stratagem into the young Gentlewomans head, whereby they may have a Mutual, and a constant correspondence by Letter, of which she inform'd her Love by dropping a paper out of the Window to this ef∣fect;

Friend dearer than Life,

Modesty will not permit me to discover my Grief, and Troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech, and pre∣sence, and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you, without the ability Page  292of coming to you, However some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing; 'tis thus in short, I have a little unript the Cape of my Fathers Cloak (thats lined with Velvet) into which I have put a letter; when he comes to your Masters be officious to help him off with his Cloak, which he uses to do when he goes to Dinner, and in the Cape you will find my Soul contain'd, which take out, and send yours in the Room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves, &c.

The satisfaction that he received from these Lines was inexpressible, but much more, when he found the plot took so well, that he could twice a Week send to, and hear from the on∣ly comfort of his Life, and keeper of his happiness. By this stratagem they held a correspondence a long time, but being eager of an interview, they had like to have spoiled all; for in a Let∣ter he appointed her a place where they would meet, in order thereunto she stole out of the House, but not so Privately, but that she was watcht by her Aunt, and followed to the place, Page  293where seeing this young man, and knowing whose Servant he was, reviled him with all the reproaches imagi∣nable for indeavouring to seduce her Niece, a fortune too Sublime for such a Groveling Earth Worm as he; but, said she, I'le acquaint my Brother with your Knavish intentions, who shall take a Course to prevent your proceed∣ings, and with other Minaces away she goes with her Kinswoman, leaving the young man in a Condition more Miserable than imaginable.

At Night the Old Gentleman re∣turning, he was informed by his Sister of what had Past in his absence, not∣withstanding, all her Care, and watch∣fulness; at the report thereof the Old man was ready to run distracted, and no body but would have guest so much by his raving, every word being an express symptom of Madness; he called his Daughter a Thousand misbecom∣ing names, and the best was Baggage, Strumpet, &c. reviling her with dis∣obedience and what not; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was, he would not let her Page  294speak in her own defence, and as she was about to do it, he flung out of the Room and left her; glad she was that she had some respit from her Sorrow, and so betook her self to her Chamber, where locking her Self in she instant∣ly writ a Letter to her Love, acquaint∣ing him with her Fathers Deportment to wards her, with a Register of the ve∣ry Names he called her, with other a∣buses, and having so done she slid it in∣to the Cape as aforesaid.

The Old man arose very early the next Morning, in a passion, and to Lon∣don he trotted, having no other busi∣〈1 line〉 nes man to acquaint, the Merchant (his Friend) how he was abused by his Servant, and to vent his Spleen, and Choler on him.

The young man was abroad at his coming, so that his Master received all the Shock of the Old Gentlemans fury, who was a little tam'd by him before his return, by informing him that his man was not so Dispicable as he ima∣gin'd, having so much Per annum in Land, besides a good stock of Mony to begin the World with; that besides all that, he would trust him (as soon as Page  295free) with a Thousand Pounds himself; this they talkt walking in a great Hall, the Cloak Hanging up in the Parlour; where they usually Dined, which gave our Lover on his return the opportu∣nity of receiving his usual intelligence. He could not but be troubled you must think,, when he read how his Love was abused, but since he could not remedie it, he was resolved to make use of the information. He had just finisht his Reading, as they both came into the Parlour, where immeadiately upon en∣trance the Old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly, calling him Beg∣gers brat, Thief, Cheat, &c. And how durst he have that aspiring thought to Rob him of his only Daughter, Heiress to above forty thou∣sand Pounds.

The young man with much Patience heard, and modestly told him he was much to blame, to villifie him after that manner, since it was well known, that he was not only a Gentleman, but born to an estate: but Sir, (said he) it is no wonder, you miscal me, when you spare not your own chast and vir∣tuous Daughter, calling her by the Page  296base and false names of Baggage, Strum∣pet, &c. Hey Day, Hey Day, a Wizard, a Wizard, (quoth the Old man) else how could he tell those very Names, I do confess I call'd my Daughter. Well, Sir, now I know how to be rid of a Knave; I am glad on't; I'le have you Indicted, and arr argned for a Witch, and so I hope to see you burn for your Leachery. His kind Master, seeing the Passion of this pee∣vish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw, whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his Servant, which gave him the con∣venience of writing; after Dinner his Master and the old man withdrew into the Hall again, and then (as formerly) he convey'd the Note into the Cape of the Cloak. Was not this an honest Porter think you that would thus con∣stantly carry Letters for Lovers some Miles, and never demand a Penny, Coming home and hanging up his Cloak, according to custome, took a∣side his Sister into the Garden, and there discourst her, telling all that had past between him, his Friend and the Servant; in the mean time the Daugh∣ter Page  297examined the Cape, and found what she expected, wherein she was inform'd of the passionate carriage of her Father, with his abusive language, and to sweeten all, he pleasantly rela∣ted how he was suspected for a Wizard, occasion'd by his happy intelligence.

The old man returning from the Garden fell foul on his Daughter with revilling termes; Dear Father (said she) use your pleasure as to me; call me what you will, though I deserve not the abuse, I will patiently indure it, but do not abuse that ho∣nest young man; assure your self he is no Beggers brat, Thief, Cheat, nor Wizard: Hey day, Hey day, Hey day (cries the old man again) what my Daughter a Witch too; well, well, since it is so, you shall ene have my consent to be Marryed to a stake to∣gether, and so you shall have a Bonfire at your Wedding.

These very words she sent back to her Lover in her Fathers Cape, who took an opportunity to take it out, and having read it, waited to meet the old man, who was consulting with his Master, and was by him so fully in∣form'd as to his Servants estate, his honesty, and industry in his service; Page  298with several other things which tend∣ed highly to his advantage, that the old Gentleman was willing to admit of a Parley with his Son-in-Law that must be; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before, he was prevented by the young man, saying, Sir, come end your cruelty all at once, I am ready to accept of that Marriage of the Stake you proposed last Night to your Daughter: if I cannot live with her I love, I shall rejoice to dye with her.

The old man was all amazement, to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad; at length he collecting himself, and ha∣ving somewhat calm'd his passion, he told the young man since he saw the Stars did fight against him as to this Marriage, he should have his Daugh∣ter, conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelli∣gence, whether the Devil, or his An∣gels did assist him in it, &c. To this the young man replyed, That he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere, nor his Daughter, but by humane means, and that he would tell him how, so be it he would forgive the Person. No, no, Page  299never (cry'd the old man, in a great rage) I will first see him rot in an Hospital, or be Hang'd at Tibourn, and be Damn'd rather than do it; Nay then (said the young man) you are to Blame, Sir, to be so uncharitably cruel against your self; for from you, and you only we received this in∣telligence; you were the Porter, or Messen∣ger that carryed Letters between us: how! how can this be (with much Wonder cry'd the old man); to convince you (said the other) I will now show you a Letter in your Portmantue that this Night by your means will be deliver∣ed to your Daughter, and thereupon taking the Cloak he shewed him the rip in the Cape, wherein they mutual∣ly conveighed Letters to each other.

To be short the old man was infi∣nitely pleas'd with the Stratagem, and in a little time lov'd the young man more than he hated him formerly, and gave him his Daughter with a vast some of mony down at the Marriage day, and in less than twelve months did his Son and Daughter the kindness to leave the world, and leave them all he had.

Page  300

RHODOMONTADO'S.

I Am King of No-land, the terror of the World, the flower of the No∣bility of Rodomontado's, Furioso's, Super∣boso's, Rolands, and Olivers, beautified with infinite Graces, fair as an Angel, the heart and courage of Lucifer, a Servant to the mighty Qeen of the Earth, a Friend to distressed Ladies, and the Soveraign Prince of the Anthropophagi or Man-Eaters.

ONe day in battle I found out the Queen of the Amazons, she seeing me, resolved that I should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a Queen, and thereupon rais'd her hand with her Sword therein; but I, not willing to lose any time, struck her, at which she fell to the Earth; then taking her by the hair of head, I threw Page  301her with such fury and force that she flew to the fifth Heaven, and fell upon Mars as he was sporting with Venus. Venus being greatly afraid, cryed out for help, at whose cry the God's came running to her aid, but were much a∣stonisht when they saw Mars stretcht out upon the place. Hereupon Jupiter thrust his head through the Casement, and saw me distributing wounds among my enemies with so much danger and fierceness, that the fire which flew from every blow, resembled another Mount-Gibel or Aetna: Therefore Jupiter said to all his Brother gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done, since it might be supposed, that he which had killed Mars the God of War, was every whit as able to kill the rest of the gods which yet remained living.

WHen I speak, my voice pene∣trates the depths of Hell; where∣ever I appear, the World offers me a free subjection from East to West. It is well known, that where ever I am, my Bedstead is made of the Ribs of Giants; the Ticking of my Bed is filled with the Page  302Moustacho's of the Masters of the Camp to the Grand Turk; my Bolster with the Brains which I boxt out of the Heads of his Captains; my Cloaths are made of the Hair of Amazons; my Coverlids are composed of Switzers-beards; my Curtains of the Hair of the Eye-brows, and Eye-lids of Hungarians and Germans; the Floor of my House (instead of Brick) is paved with Janazaries Teeth; my Tapistry are the skins of Arabians, and Sorcerers whom I unbarkt with the point of my Dagger; the Tiles which cover my House are the Nails of Mo∣narchs and Kings, whose bodies long since in dispight of them, and those mi∣serable carcases they indeavoured to de∣fend, with a kick of my Foot I tumbled into their Sepultures.

SCorning to draw my Sword against a bravade English Captain, I gave him such a kick on the Breech, that he mounted into the Air and knockt his Head against the Sun with such great force, that he was the cause of its Ec∣clipse for five days; immediately this Captain kneel'd before Jupiter, praying him to pardon me all my offences, in Page  303recompence of the kindness I had done him, by that kick of the Arse I had given him, which sent him to Heaven among the Stars, since it lay in my power to send him as far (a contrary way) to Hell among the damned.

WIth one single hair of my Mustacho's which if I should dart at thee, it will make so great a gap in thy Body, that the whole Infantry of Spain, and Cavalry of France shall be able to pass through, without touching ei∣ther the one side of thee or the other.

WIth this most redoubted Sword, I Ruine, I set on fire, I put all into a Flame, triumphing over Armies, laying waste Cities, Castles, Towers, Walls, and invincible Fortresses. With my presence I make Jove hide himself, Mercury flye, Cupid tremble, Mars dis∣guise and Transform himself, and though the silly Ram doth see me take the Tribute from his Darling Venus which I demand, yet durst not make one Butt at me for so doing.

Page  304

WHere ever I am, Death is continually with me, because he finds more profit from us, then if he were General of one hundred thousand Men to fight the Turk or Devil. He knows it well and therefore continually follows, and accompanies me in the Conquest of the Kingdoms of Grimanians, Dicenians, Di∣namians, Alopitians, Pitanians, Espinome∣nians, and Nomanians, so that to speak the Truth, without his company, I should walk alone, because I find none like me, and none I like but him.

AS the World is divided into four parts, three whereof Affrick Asia, and Europe, and these three are incom∣passed and environed by the Sea; so my heart is divided into three other parts, of a Nature, Affable, Terrible, and Cruel, and three parts are surround∣not with Water, but with living Flames of scorching Fire. And as the fire is, so is (by reason of Love) my heart, by which means I am so inraged that with three blows of this my good chopping blade, the fore-stroke, back-blow, and thrust, I could slay all Mankind, making Page  305Rivers of Blood longer than Ganges, broader than the Po, and more terrible than the Cataracts of Nile. But the World may be thankful I am in Love, for it is only for her sake that I suffer wretched Mortals to have a being.

I Have in me the nature of a Basalisk and something more; for if he with his looks can kill one, I when angry, with mine can destroy an hundred, for my Eyes are equaly as fatal as a Chain shot from a Demi-Canon.

IF that true vlour which my Soul possesseth could be purchased by Money, all Traffick would cease by Sea and Land, and no more talk of Mer∣chants or their Commodities; for every one would then labour and im∣ploy their industry to the utmost, who should get the greatest share in me, one would aim at one of my Arms another a Leg, one a Finger, a fourth a Nail, a fifth a Hair of my Eye-lids, and this to no other end, than that he might become valiant.

But I rejoyce that this cannot be by any means effected; because it is one Page  306of the greatest causes of the present re∣pose and quiet of all those Kings, Monarchs, and Princes, which are all my very good friends, and Kinsmen.

NOt long since my Baud, my old Whore Fortune, gave me some offence; so that I became more displea∣sed with her than formerly she was be∣loved by me; in so much, that if she performed not her Articles with me, I swore by Pluto's Horns, by the Beard of Mars, by Samson's Whiskers, and by Mahomets Alcoran, that I will deprive her of her Prerogative of mutability and inconstancy, and as to her Body, with one shock I will dispatch her to Terra Incognita, her Limbs so shattered, that at the very instant of her arrival thither, she should be reduced to pow∣der, which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use, that is, to throw as Dust or Sand on those Letters I send to my Mistress.

I Have in two days more augmented the Stygian Kingdom of Pluto, and peopled with Subjects his black, dark, and smoaky Realm, than ever did Rodo∣mont, Page  307Rolant, Renaud, Mandrigard and Radamante, having made the hearts of more valiant and couragious men in a thousand, and a thousand places to tremble; let those which inhabit the East, West, North and Equinoctial Line be my Witnesses.

WHen I walk in the Streets of the City a thousand Ladies run to meet me; one takes me violently by the Cloak, another gives me a winck, another beseecheth me to Sup with her, another makes me a presont, another kisseth my Hands, and blesseth that Mother 〈1 line〉 than brought me into the World, ad∣judging her self the happiest of women, may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night, to no other end, than that she may have a Child of the Race of so great a personage as my self.

IF the force of my Members was dis∣tributed among faint hearted per∣sons, and Seditious Spirits, the World would be put into a general revolt, and nothing would be seen there in but Bat∣tles, and Conquests; the Bells never heard, day nor night, but for the inter∣ment Page  308of some dead body, Chirurgeons would never stir out of their houses, but to heal the wounds of Swords, cut and thrust, and to reunite fractures or bones broken. Divines would be con∣tinually employed in comforting Wid∣dows for the loss of their Husbands, Children so their Parents, and young Women in the Death of their Sweet∣hearts.

IF I come to thee, with my Foot I will kick thee so high into the Air, that hadst thou with thee ten Cart-load of bread, thou should'st be in greater fear of starving than falling.

I Had one day a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who defied me, saying, draw if thou darest: considering with my self that I am all courage, refused so to do, because the French being cold, and without choler, I might have given him five hundred Thrusts, and as many slashes, without killing him; but as for me who am wholly filled, and made up of Courage and Choler, with the least blow in the World, he might have sent me to the Devil.

Page  309

His Conclusion.

I Never yet could meet that daring He,
Durst whisper, any yet hath Conque'rd me.
I've fought the Champions of the Earth all round,
And either slew, or made them quit their ground.
From Pole to Pole, such mighty things I've done.
That from all Hero's I their glory won.
Yet still I must act more, that lab'ring Fame
May reel, and tire nay sink to bear my Name.
Where ere I go, my presence Conquest brings;
My single hand, can sway the Fate of Kings.
I've Ensignes snatcht, oft from an Armies head,
And at my feet laid prostrate Gyants dead.
Out Hector'd Champions, and out foam'd wild Bores,
Out Bluster'd Billows, breaking on the shores;
Out fought Briareus with his hundred hands;
Out walkt the Tigers on the Arabian Sands;
Out lightned Lightning, and out thundred Thunder.
Page  310
Out-did great Mars infield, and out vy'd wonder;
Astonisht ages from these deeds shall learn,
Which way I move, that way the world shall turn:
If y' are with this not satisfy'd enough,
I'le of my valour give you further proof.
I by an Host surrounded was in field,
Whose General cry'd, fight not stout man, but yield.
I daunted not, rush'd in, and with one swing,
Before my feet I laid his breathless King.
At which a neighb'ring Prince his quarrel took;
From his broad shoulders his proud bead I sirook
So quick, the head after it fell, it curst.
The next advanc'd whose Fate was like the first:
Him I beheaded so most vig'rously
That with the force, his falling head kil'd three,
Then being beset with an united power,
With my long Sword, next pass I thrust through four.
With Carkesses I maid Long-Lanes; and, to be short,
In four hours space I made this bloody sport.
Here scattered Swords, there woods of Lances stood,
Page  311
Here heaps of bodies lay, there streams of blood,
With open mouth there lay a gasping head,
As if it thirsted for the blood it shed.
Here a topt head cut capers, as if 'twood
Have danct up to the Shoulders, where it stood.
There lay dismemberd arms in their own gore,
Which graspt, and stretcht to reach the Swords they bare.
When I'de done all, and heaps on heaps compil'd,
I fairly turned about my self, and smil'd.
How ill these mortals manag'd their command,
Although all Hero's, nothing in my band.
Since none can kill me, I my self must doom,
And call upon the gods to make me room.
Page  312

LYES, AND IMPROBABILITIES.

A Fellow swore that he had seen a Base-Viol as big as the Duke's Theater; one demanding how it could possibly be play'd on? well enough (quoth the other) for he that own'd it, made a two-handed Bow about a Fur∣long in length; and he and his Wife drew it on the Strings, while ten of his Children ran two and fro upon the Stops or Frets, observing with their feet as exact. Time, as any could do with their fingers.

A Romanist swore he swallowed a Pin, and presently making a Cross upon his Leg, pull'd it out there.

Page  313

A Soldier swore desperately, that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian; there chanced to be a Par∣ley between the two Generals where a River parted them, at that time it froze so excessively, that the words were no sooner out of their mouths, but they were frozen, and could not be heard till eleven days after, That a Thaw came which dissolved them, and made them audible to all.

One protested that on Salisbury plain, he started a Hare, and having a Horse under him that was very fleet, coursed her, and gave her four turns at least, at length his Horse growing weary and he vext to the heart that he could not tire her, threw his Hat at her; which lighting just before her, she ran into it, and turned over and over it so long, That he had time enough to alight from his Horse and take her up.

A notable arch Crack in Paris, got a bag of Ashes and carried them to a man whom he knew to be a great admirer of Reliques, who askt him twenty pound a Peck for them, swearing, That they were Page  314the ashes of those coles which burnt St. Lau∣rence.

A Fellow swore that he ran a Gray∣hound Bitch great with whelps at a Hare, who taking a Hedge, and the Bitch making after her, she lighted on a Stake which rent her belly up, and that the whelps which were within her ran after the Hare and kill'd her. I loved (said he) this Bitch so well, that I made a pair of Buskins of her skin, which had the power to endue me with such swift∣ness; That if at any time a Hare started in my way, I could not rest till I caught her.

A Keeper swore he shot a Buck's right foot and left ear at one shoot with a single Bullet, And being asked how he could pos∣sibly do it, (he answered) that the Buck was lying and scratching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him.

Strada reports that a fellow lived in his time, whose Nose was so long, he could not hear himself Sneese.

Page  315

MISCELLANIES.

Q. WHo is a bashful Woman?

A. She who lying on her back covers her face with her Smock.

Q. Who is a fearful Woman?

A. She who claps her tail between her legs, or she who dares not sleep without a man.

Q. Who is a bold daring Woman?

A. She that dares singly oppose ten men at the entrance of one breach.

Q. What part of speech is Homo?

A. Homo is a participle, because he partakes or takes part of all things in this world.

Q. Whence hath Papirus, the latin word for Paper, it's denomination?

A. From Priapus that wanton God so freely worshiped among the anti∣ents especially by Lovers: if you will Page  316consult, the Anagram, you will find Priapus and papirus to have the same letters. Now it fals very proper that Papirus shall be derived from Pri∣apus, because by letters frequently assignations are made for the satisfac∣tion of each others longing loves; but least they should miscarry in their meetings, let me advise them to offer up an orizon first to the Roman fa∣med Goddess, known by the name of Dea Pertunda.

Q. What is a Woman?

A. She is the second part necessary for the propagation, and conservati∣on of mankind. A certain Greek Au∣thor saith that Fire, Water, and Wo∣man, are three evils. Philemon testi∣fies that a good Goat, a good Mule and a good Woman, are three beasts of the worser sort, who compares their beau∣ty to a Rose surrounded with Thorns or prickles; their words are deceit∣ful, their gauderies are like a Pea∣cocks Tail; their love is like a Ser∣pent, who kills the male in the act of copulation; lastly, she is so light that one single feather, put in the contrary scale will weigh her down.

Page  317

Q. What is a curious woman?

A. One who desires to know what every man can do.

Q. Are cornuted men Infamous?

A. No, for to carry Horns hereto∣sore, was honourable: when the Sun expands his radiant Beams upon the Earth, he seems to say, Behold my Horns; The Moon either in her in∣crease or decrease shows them and glo∣ries in them. Moses is Painted with two Radiant Horns. Pan a God of the Heathens had Horns; Pan is a Greek word and signifieth every thing, if you add Horns thereunto, then every thing hath Horns; The Major part of four Footed Beasts have Horns; Nay, the Devil himself (if any Credit may be given to Painters) hath Horns; wherefore since above, here, and be∣neath us are Horns, why should man be ashamed of them, but rather claim a propriety in them? To this questi∣on my Author subjoins an Epitaph made on one Mr. John Kalb, or Calf in English, who was of Noble extracti∣on and Student at Heydelberge, but be∣ing given too much to ebriety, not on∣ly Drowned his Wits, but by is lost Page  318his Life Anno 1674; the lines were these.

O Deus omnipotens vituli miserere Johannis Quem Mos preveniens non sinit esse bovem. Corpus in Italiaest, habet intestina Brabantus, Ast Animam Nemo: Cur? Quia non habuit. Have mercy on John Calf, who Ox had been, Had not Death hindred, and stept in between. Two Countries shar'd his Body; but 'tis sad None had his Soul. Why? For no Soul he had.

Q. How many sorts of Fools are there?

A. Four. 1. He that thunders out his menaces so often that no man fears him. 2. He that Swears so often that no man will believe him. 3. He that gives so often that he hath nothing left. 4. He that having no Servant, refuseth to be Serviceable to himself.

Q. who are most Gluttonous?

A. Women; for having two Mouths one for the Day, and the other for the Night, they feed continually.

Q. What are the Priviledges of Monsieur Scab.

A. Many; but for brevity sake only these. He, like some mighty Prince, Eats alone, Drinks alone, and sh— alone. If on the Road he Travels with Gen∣tlemen, and they come to an Inn ill Page  319Furnished, so that they must be forced to lye three in a bed, to be sure he must have one to himself, where he may repose himself alone. Lastly Mon∣sieur Scab hath this more, according to the Proverb, Quod duo Scabiosi occulati plus videant quam ducenti Ceci cum suis Perspicillis: id est, that two Scabs may see farther than two hundred Blind men with as many Spectacles.

Q. What advantages accrue by Lying.

A. The Chaldeans, AEgyptians, Greci∣ans, and Romans, when they under∣stood that truth was not prevalent e∣nough to convince, and tame a wild uncivil People, they formed a Reli∣gion whose Basis was meer Lyes; they feigned a Neptune with a Trident; Cu∣pid with Bow and Arrows; Jupiter strid∣ing an Eagle with a Thunderbolt, and the like, to keep them in perpetual obedi∣ence to their Empire. The same thing did Minos in Crete, Licurgus to the Lace∣demonians; and Mahomet by his Lyes founded his great Empire. There are very few Tradesmen who do not gain in part their dayly Bread by Lying, and the Lover would never attain to his de∣fired end without it. did not JudethPage  320press a Lye to free her Country. And Divine Plato, although a great Zealot for truth, in so much that he Banisht all Poets who grosly lyed, yet saith he in his Second Book of his Repub. I desire that Mothers and Nurses would tell their Children Fabulous stories; as much as to say, that they should teach them lyes from their very Cradle, to conclude Rhetorick it self is nothing else but the Art of Lying.

Q. What are these things which rarely happen?

A. A Bucksome young Lass not in love, Fairs without Thieves; an old Usurer with a good Conscience, an old stock of Corn without Mice, and, Pha∣nticks without holy Cheats.

Q. Who of all men stand least in fear of Homicide?

A. Quacking Doctors, and Hang∣men who kill without being called in question, and though others are pu∣nished for it with death, these have a great reward for their pains.

Q. Whom doth the world call his Nephew?

A. Him, who hath a handsome Wife.

Page  321

The Degrees of Pleasure.

If thou wilt rejoyce for a day, shave thy Beard; if for a week, go to a Wed∣ding; if for a month, buy a good Horse; if for six weeks, purchase a fair House; if for a year, marry a fair Woman; if for two years, turn a Priest; but if always thou wilt be merry and joyful, keep thy self chast and tem∣perate.

Q. who are remarkable Fools?

A. A faithful Lover, an honest Gamester, and a pitiful Soldier.

Q. why are Monsters here, seen fre∣quently greater than the African; as a Drunken Parson, a Covetous Non-Conformist, a Pocky Doctor, &c.

A. Because their lives do not qua∣drate, or suit with their Professions.

Q. A Maid being askt, whether she would chuse to be chang'd into a Hen or a Goose?

A. Her answer was into a Hen, and the reason was, because the Hen enjoys her Cock all the year round, but the Goose only in Spring-time.

Q. what is the Interpretation of these Letters?

Page  322

S. P. Q. R.

A. Some say thus, Senatus Populus{que} Romanus: others thus, Salutem Populi Quaere Romani: The Sybils speaking of God thus, Serva Populum quem Redimisti. Bede in derision of the Goths thus, Stul∣tus Populus Quaerit Romam: The French thus, Si Peu Que Rien. The Italians, Samosi Poltroni, Questi Romani: The Germans, Sublato Papa Quietum Regnum. The Papists on the other side, Salus Papae Quies Regni.

On a Friend to R. H.

Qui sim divinato & eris mihi magnus Apollo,
Qui Dives Durus Fluctus & Ʋlna vocor.

Richard Wavel.
Medicina ad tollendos foetores anhelitus
provenientes a cibis quibusdam.
Sectile ne tetros porrum tibi spiret odores,
Protinus à porro fac mihi caepe vores.
Denuo foetorem si vis depellere caepe,
Hoc facile efficient, Allia mansa tibi.
Spiritus at si post etiam gravis Allia restat;
Aut nihil, aut tantum pellere merda potest.
Page  323
He that for stinking breath a care would seek,
Must eat both Onions, and good store of Leek;
But if the stench of Leeks offensive prove,
Then Garlick take, and eat thereof a Glove.
If after these a stinking breath remain,
Then take a Tu— all other things are vain.
De Anu per crepitum animam exhalante,
Ʋno animam-crepitu Jana pedit anus.
In French.
Vous qui passez, priez Dieu pour ceste Dame,
Qui en ptant parle cul rendit l'ame.
In English.
O strange that Jane should hence depart,
Only by letting of a Fart.
An Epigram on this saying, Quot capita tot ingenia.
So many heads, so many wits, fie, fie,
It is a shame for Proverbs thus to lie;
For I (though my acquaintance be but small)
Know many heads that have no wit at all.
Page  324

A PREACHMENT ON MALT.

CErtain Townsmen of Prisal, re∣turning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house, met in the Fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drun∣kards, and amongst other opprobri∣ous words, called them Malt-worms, Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon, and his Text should be MALT. The Preacher thinking Page  325it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Ser∣mon as followeth.

There is no Preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Sylla∣ble; It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, viz. M, A, L, T, These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus, M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Lite∣ral, T. Tropological.

The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boy∣sterous Men some good manners, at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters, A. All, L. Listen, T. to the Text.

An Allegory is when one thing is spoken, and another thing meant; The thing spoken is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly Page  326call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat, A. Ale, L. Liberty, T. Treasure.

The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letter, M. Much A. Ale, L. Little, T. Thrift.

The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat follow∣ing, either in this world, or in the world to come, the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyle of Malt pro∣duceth and worketh in some of you, viz. M. Murther, in others A. A∣dultery, in all L. Loose living, in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth, both in this world and in the world to come, is M. Mi∣sery, A. Anguish, L. Lamentation, T. Trouble.

I should now come to a conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boyste∣rious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of Page  327you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is, a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend, because all Drunkards are L. Lewd, T. Thieves, but yet for dis∣charging my Conscience and duty, First towards God, and Secondly to∣wards you my Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend, A. All, and L. Leave, T. Tipling, otherwise, M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for, T. Terrour and Torment.

By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that they were between Hawk and Buzzard, nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving stole away, Leaving them to take their Nap.

FINIS.