Nugæ venales, or, Complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies.

A CLUSTER OF CHOICE NOVELS

IN June last 1674. coming by White Chappel-Church, which was all new built, but the Steeple (that remain∣ing still in its ancient homely habit) I per∣ceiv'd a person reading a Paper which was stuck against the new walls; being inqui∣sitive I drew near, and found these follow∣ing lines written thereon.

A new Church, and an old Steeple, A dull Doctor, and a perverse people.

It happened hereupon that the Gentle∣man and my self agreed to drink a glass of Wine together, where having descanted on these lines a while, and finding me much delighted with Novels that are plea∣sant, he made his introduction to the re∣lation of some, by these which follow, which may be more properly called Jests

than Stories. Thus he began; It was not long since that I was in Holborn, where I saw two high hot Huffing Hectors (about three quarters drunk) justle a Gentleman, who had never a Sword by his side: he asking them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility, they instantly drew upon him; it so hapned that the Gentleman at that time (he being much in Debt, and fearing an Arrest) had a brace of Pistols in his Pockets, which he drew, cockt and presented; at sight whereof one fled, and the other staid no longer than to say, Da— me blood, Sir, had you a Magazeen of Swords, I would have stood the shock of them all, but Rot-me, I will not encounter him that car∣ries a File of Musqueteers in his pocket.

Another.

A Gentleman being very much in Debt, kept close within doors, and never stir'd abroad, which made all the waitings of the Bayliffs for him ineffe∣ctual, several snares they laid for him, but he by his wariness shun'd them all, till the goodness of his own nature to one, betray'd him to the cruelty of others in this manner.

There was a Smith who lived opposite to this Gentlemans Window, through which, every morning very early, for the benefit of the fresh Air, he used to look out, which this Vulcanian Rascal took notice of; and being before bribed by some Officers for his Apprehension, he thought of a way how to betray this poor Gentle∣man into their Clutches. He went and told the Officers what he intended such a morning and ordered them to be ready in some ambush very near him, for he que∣stioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the Gentleman out of doors. The Smith having bought him a rope over night, got up very early the next morning much about the time the Gentleman used to look out of his win∣dow, having got upon his Grindston, he threw a Rope cross a Beam in his own shed, where he might be easily seen by the opposite Gentleman, and having made it fast above, he put the noose about his neck, and then extending his hands to Heaven, with elevated Eyes, he pretend∣ed to say his Prayers, the Gentleman see∣ing this, out of meer pitty and commi∣seration, ran out with all the speed he could, the Bayliffs seeing that, ran out

and surprised him; the Smith hearing a noise, endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter, and in that motion, slipt from the grindstone, and there hung; the Bayliffs being busied, and over-joy'd upon the seizing their Prisoner, never minded what became of the Smith, but going away with their Prisoner to secure him, left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a Treachery,

Another Smith living in the Countrey, there was a nest of Hornets in the Thatch of his Hovel, who had made their way quite through, and as he was at work on a long Curtain rod red hot, an Hornet stung him; at first he minded it not very much, but presently after came another, and stung him in the face, this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch, cry'd out are ye there ye Devils, i'le set fire in your Arses pre∣sently; hereupon he ran with the rod to the Forge, and heating it again, he ran it up at them, and withal running through the thatch set it a fire, and so revenging himself on his enemies he half ruin'd him∣self by burning down his own Hovel.

Another.

A Person being very Rich, was like∣wise ostentatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably hand∣som, and was intirely beloved by a Coun∣try Gentleman, of no mean Estate, having gained the young Gentlemomans con∣sent, he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passi∣on, their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune, and therefore not only refu∣sed his offer, but very uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their misfortune, and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter, he would never give them a farthing. He obeyed their commands in that, but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't; Love soon found out a way to effect it, at which interview he told her what had past between him, and her Pa∣rents, and the refusal of the Match propo∣sed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be con∣stant,

he would never forsake her; and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affection offer'd to Marry her immediat∣ly, she consented, and being married with all convenient speed, they perform∣ed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Fathers House, desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing.

A few days after this new married Gen∣leman got his (supposed Maiden) Wife in∣to his company, and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Country, giving her directions where to send to him, and that if she prov∣ed with Child, and that her Parents should discover it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable, and when pres∣sed very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me.

Upon this they parted, and she prov∣ed with Child according to his expectati∣on.

The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter, with the swelling of her Belly,, took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was not with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and tears, confessed that she was, and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it: The Mother like a Woman distracted, first lockt up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband, and calling him aside, told him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family, and by whom; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife; but at length they both con∣cluded that it was but a folly, either to rave or rail at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their Daughters Honour,. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and acquain•• him with what he had don, requiring satisfaction; this Letter was sent, and another return∣ed by him in Answer thereunto; to this effect, That it is true he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whether he got her with Child, for she that can dispende with be∣ing a Where to one, will be so to another. In

short he concluded, that he had no more to say than this, That if she would be so im∣pudent, to lay the Child to him he must main∣tain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure, he had purchased of her.

This return netled them to the heart, and show'd it their Daughter with all the opprobriums that can be uttered. The poor young Woman replyed not a word, supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, re∣questing the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had extraordinary business where he was, and that he nei∣ther could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swell'd, so did their sorrow, searing there was no remedying the cause thereof.

Upon another consultation the Daugh∣ter told her Father, that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman caper, Nay then said he we are well enough; immedi∣ately calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he

wrote another Letter, charging the Gen∣tleman home with his Promise some∣times threatening him, if he made it not good, and then sweetning him again, &c. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condescend to what he most de∣fired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, than to understand his will and pleasure. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloath be∣ing taken away, there was no other dis∣course, than how to salve up their Daughters Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an incouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slight∣ed it, alledging further (with a Sir-re∣verence to the company,) he would never, sh—in his own Hat, and then clap it on his head; as they advanced he more and more slights their propo∣sals, saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds, to be paid immediately, he ac∣cepts of it with this Proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter

now goes with, there shall be paid more, five hundred Pounds: it is agreed to, and the Parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediate∣ly, the Country Gentleman agreed there∣unto, and presently sent away for the same Parson that married them; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I have done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? 'tis very true replyed the Son-in-law, and for Confirmation, see here the Certificate before your Daugh∣ter was with Child; and so she is no Whore, but an honest Wife. Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gull'd, but since it is no worse, and that our Fa∣mily is not defamed, I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together.

Another.

A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich in having so hand∣som

a Woman to his Wife, and was ne∣ver blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment. This Frenchman pre∣sently had her in his Eye, and courted her importunately, and expensively, but to no purpose; Treats proving ineffectual, he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratcht his head not know∣ing what to do; Poverty perswaded on the one side, and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his money, and that is thus: I will pretend to go out of Town such a day, then do you upon the con∣dition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tom—the Cob∣ler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed, and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold

(which you must have first) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and sur∣prise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of the assignation, who though he understood that the hus∣band was gone our of town, yet he fear∣ed an ambuscado, and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entring the Room, he caressed her, ala mode de France, and be∣ing very fiery, he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what haste she could to bed, and he would follow after. In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undrest himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, askt him what he meant? No ting Madam of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me ford by mee side, me Pis-stools in mee haunds, and de Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head; not to lose time, he storm'd the Fort, and took it, and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach

was made in the assault, yet he boldly entred again and took possession. The poor Cuckold (and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisp∣er, for fear of being heard; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, leapt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his Sword, went to the farther end of the room and drest himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused her self, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute, she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not—for love, begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went couragiously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman; what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay atop of me, and what would you

have us to do said they, since you both did lye a Top of us; well Husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and your self an unpardonable Cuckold.