Nugæ venales, or, Complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies.

DOMESTICK JESTS, Witty Reparties, &c.

A Facetious Gentleman was one day deeply engaged in dis∣course with a Witty Gentle∣woman, who at length was pleas'd to condemn the weakness of her Sex; nay Madam, not so, for if I mistake not, it is easie to prove your Sex strong∣er than ours, for Sampson (the strongest man living) carried only the Gates of the City on his Shoulders, and now a∣dayes every stripling Female carries a Tower on her Forehead: To which she very briskly replied, Surely Sir, you have a capacious and very strong head, that can carry up and down so many Wind-mills.

IMmediately after the conversion of a Noblemans House into Shops, two Gentlemen walking by saw written over the Entrance, The Midle Exchange, we have enough of these already said the other, which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or cu∣riosity can require, and therefore take away the first letter M. and then the name and nature thereof will both cor∣respond, by reading it The Idle Exchange.

ONe Gentleman meeting another very early in the Morning, who had been a rambling all Night, askt him where he had been, the other answered he had been a Hunting: where quoth t'other? In Whetstones Park, he replied, and a Pox on't, said he, I can find never a hair in't.

A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a Copy of Verses on his Lady, who was a very great Shrew, it was promised but not performed, the Lord asking a reason of his delay, said the Chaplain, What need you my Lord desire a Copy, when you have the Original? my Lady hearing

thereof, caused the Chaplain to be dis∣charged, and so he paid for his Wit.

A Country fellow, who had never seen London, was abused one day by some young Clerks of an Inn of Chan∣cery, who thereupon complained to the Principal of the House in this matter; I have been much abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this house, and being informed you are the Principal, I thought good to acquaint you therewith.

SOme Neighbours that dwelt all in a Row on one side of the Street, were resolved to be Merry with their Wives, said one, they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side, but one, here∣upon his Wife was in her dumps, how now Sweet-heart, said he, why so sad? I am not sad said she, but I am studying who that one of our Neighbours it should be, that is not a Cuckold.

A Citizen being made a Cuckold by his Neighbour, brings his Action against the Party, and lays it Quod Clau∣sum fregit, & domum intravit, &c. The business coming to a Tryal, the Ju••y

brought in a Verdict for the Plantiff, and a Mark damages; the Tryal being over, he stept to the Jury, saying, you see I am contented to enter my self a Cuckold on Record, you might have considered it is very likely to be your own Case, and yet you give me but a Mark dammage: well, I hope to see you all so marked for your pains.

A Lady sent her Servant to the Play∣house to know what was Acted that day, The fellow asking the questi∣on, he was answered, Go tell your Lady 'Tis pitty She is a Whore, the fellow mis∣understanding, and thinking this was spoke of his Lady, and not of the Play, replyed, 'Tis pity such a parcel of Rogues, Rascals, and idle Sons of Whores should abuse honest Women after this manner.

THere was one Mr. Herring, who not∣withstanding his Pious Function, was reputed a good fellow; one day re∣turning home after a sound Fuddle, chanced to fall in the kennel, and very much bedaub'd himself, a Gentleman passing that way who knew him, took him up, saying, Indeed Mr. Herring I am very sorry to see you in such a sad and woful Pickle.

ONe seeing in a Play-Bill upon a Post, A great Man gull'd, and un∣derneath, By his Majesties Servants, Read it thus, A Great Man gull'd by his Majesties Servants, adding to it these words, By my Soul as true a thing as ever was writ.

A Parson having in his Sermon much inveighed against Usury, saying it was a sin as bad as wilful Murder; a lit∣tle after wanting mony, he went to one of his Parishioners, and desired the loan of Twenty pounds gratis for 3. months, the Man remembering the Parsons Sermon, said, truly Sir, If to lend Money upon Use be in your Opinion as great a sin as Murder, in my Opinion to lend Mony gratis, is a greater sin than Man-slaughter.

AN ancient Gentlewoman desirous to be believed young, was telling some company one day that she was but nine and Thirty years of age; one stand∣ing by whispered another in the ear, saying, surely she must be more then fifty, to which he replyed, you may be∣lieve what you please, but I must believe what she saith is a truth, she having told me so this Ten years.

A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimny-corner in the Winter time drinking of a pot of Ale, askt the question, Whether any of the Company ever saw a Chimny in a Church, no (said one) but I now see a Church in a Chimny-corner.

MR. Church another time was tel∣ling his Friend that his Wife was with Child, and withal, so big, that he could not choose but wonder every time he looke upon her; You need not wonder (said his Friend) do you not know your Wife hath a Church in her Belly?

A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern, came Reeling out up Chancery-Lane, and and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long, that he was tired; whereupon leaning on the Rail, he askt one that passed by where he was, he told him over against the Chancery: I thought so (said he) and that's the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place.

A Gentleman had kept another mans wife company so long till he began to be tyred with her, and the sooner to be rid of her, got a friend to proffer her Husband three hundred pound to take her again; he seemed averse to the pro∣position, Whereupon he was advised to take her, and the mony; and then where∣as other Cuckolds wear their horns plain, he might wear his gilt.

A Man and his Wife being in bed to∣gether, towards morning she pre∣tended her self ill at ease, desiring to lye on her Husbands fide, the good man to please her, came over, making some short stay in his passage; she had not laid long, but desired to lye in her own place again, quoth he, how can this be done? she answered, come over me again: I had rather said he go half a mile about.

IN Chancery one time when the Councel of the Parties set forch the boundary of the Land in question by the Plot; the Councel of the one part said, we lye on this side my Lord, and the Council of the other side said, and we

lye on this side; the Lord Chancellor then in being stood up saying, If you lye on both sides, whom will you have me to be∣lieve?

AN old man having married a young Maid (as was supposed) seemed very jolly, but the Bride very melancholy & sad; one of the guests observing it, bid her be merry; and for her better com∣fort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travel, to which she replied, stroking down her belly with her hands, but not in this rode. (supposed common.)

TWo Actors, the one of the Kings, and the other of the Dukes house, talking jocosely one with the other; said the one, in troth Ned thy whole life is so cramm'd with merry Mimmick humors, that if well compiled, they would be the subject of an excellent Comedy; to which the other replyed, thy life is stuft with such subtile damn'd plots & Roguery, that it would make a very deep Tragedy, if the Poet were mindful of making thee hang thy self at the latter end of it.

ONe of the Nursery in Barbican had borrowed a Play-book of a Book∣seller, called the Wits, and was by agree∣ment to return it at sucha time, or loose the money he left in ••ue thereof; laying it some where careless at a Rehearsal, it was missing; nor could it be found, which made our Actor swear and damn after a mad rate, not so much for the loss of his Book I guess, as for fear he should loose his Mortgaged shilling, (a considerable Sum in dearth of mony;) one hearing him rore after this hellish manner, askt what was the matter; no∣thing, nothing, (said a stander by) but that Our Brother hath lost his Wits.

A Mad crew went to a Tavern with a (devilish) resolution to be damnable drunk; one being more over-powred then the rest, spewed perpetually; and seeing that, he would no longer bear them company, called for a reckoning; why (said one) cannot you tell that, that have so often cast up what you drank? no marry I cannot, (said he) for I was so bus••e in a casting up the account, that I did not mind the reckoning.

A Citizen dying greatly in Debt, it coming to his Creditors ears, farewel said one, there is so much of mine gone with him; and he carried so much of mine said another; one hearing them make their several complaints, said, well, I see now that though a man can carry no∣thing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a great deal of other mens.

IT is reported of late that a Gentleman dignified with no mean title, was rid∣ing one day with his footman attending, (who was an arch Crack) the fellow not following so close as he should, was rebu∣ked by his Master, and called a thousand strange names, as Whoresegg, Hounds-foot, D••vils Spawn, and the like; this so nettled the footman, that making what speed he could, got up within the reach of his Master, and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth, flung it as hard as he could against his masters back, & instant∣ly thereupon stooping, he scra••ht his leg; his master turning about askt him what was the matter; the matter, quoth he, pox take your horse for kicking, I doubt he hath lamed me; Prithee (said

the Gentleman) be no more angry then I am for at the same time he kickt me on the back.

A Suit of Law being referred to a Gentleman; the Plaintiff who had the equity of the Cause on his side, pre∣sented him with a new Coach, and the Defendent sent him a couple of brave horses; the Gentleman liking the horses better then the Coach, gave fentence on the Defendants side; hereupon the Plain∣tiff calls to him, and asketh him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way; he replyed, he could not help it, for the H••rses had drawn it so.

A Young Boyish finniken Mercer, after he had sold a Gentlewoman (small in stature) some commodities, thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse, sumon'd all his f••culties to talk all he had at once, at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces, alledging the man-like countenance was designed undoubtedly for the Wars, and the other for Ladyes service; Pis•• (said she) give me the face that looks like a man, the other is not worth a hair.

A Poor Poet being engaged among some Virtuosi in a Coffee-house, talkt a little at random (as well he might being bare without, and empty with∣in) it being taken notice of by a cun∣ning Quibbler, he askt him where his wits were? To which he answered, That if they were not in Pye-Corner, they were certainly in Pudding-lane, or gone a Wool∣gathering.

AN indigent Gentleman was per∣swaded to marry a Prostitute, for no other reason then that she was rich, and perhaps might turn; Turn (said the Gentleman) she hath been so much worn, that she is past turning.

A Very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels, and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen, said, that he had been on the very top of Teneriff (which is accounted one of highest Hills in the world;) one askt him why he did not stay there, for he was perswaded he would never be so near Heaven again.

AT another time he applyed himself to this Gentlewoman in his accust∣omed Bumbazeen expressions, and not knowing what to say, being to praise this Gentlewoman above measure, for no other reason but that she was little; Nay Sir (said she) if that be all the grounds for your commendation, I shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same asteem of your wit as you have of my person.

ONe seeing an Answer in Chancery written five words in a line, and not above ten lines in a folio page, askt why they were writ so wide; one an∣swered it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the other, the lines being too near, they would go together by the ears.

A Pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talk∣ing significant enough, interrupted him in his discourse, and said that he loved to hear a man talk non-sense with all his heart; it seems so said the other; and that is the reason you love to hear your self talk so much.

A Handsom woman, but dishonest, was frequently reproved by a Relation for her levity and disobedience, fre∣quently inculcating, that her husband was her head, and therefore should both love and obey him: in a little time she undid her Husband, and was forced to fly for it; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions; Pray forbear (said she) and med∣dle with your own business, I have injured none but my self, and that is by breaking my own head.

A Citizen that was more tender of himself then his wife, usully in cold weather made her goe to bed first, and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficiently warmed his place, he then came and removed her out of it, and lay in it himself; and to make him∣self merry, called her his Warming-pan; she not being able to indure this indig∣nity any longer, one night (Sir Reve∣rence) she did shit a Bed; he leaping into it, and finding himself in a stinking condition, cryed out, O wife I am beshit, no Husband, says she, it is but a Coal dropt out of your Warming-pan.

ONe of the Sherriffs being sick, my Lord was forced to ride with one Sheriff, which occasioned my Lord to say, that a Lord Mayor riding with one Sherriff, was like a Sow with one ear; your pardon my Lord said the Sherriff, I think it is more like a Waterman with one skull.

A Certain person lately attempted the violation of the honor of a very vir∣tuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem; as they wer alone together he pretended his back itcht, and therefore desired the Gentlewoman to scratch it, who sus∣pecting nothing, concented, in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely shew∣ed what Nature would, & modesty must hide, saying, Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a Cat, who being scratcht on the back will Play with her tail: the Gentlewoman all in confusion, furiously flung from him, and with much indignation related the affront to her husband, who bid her not disquiet herself, and he would very speedily find out a way to be revenged, and thus it was, he invited him one day to dinner,

& to remove all suspition he entertain'd him very liberally, having dined, he took him to the Balcony, where having dis∣coursed him a while, at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over, which was a great height from the ground, saying, If you have the nature of a Cat, no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs.

A Gentleman amongst Company was relating a Jest of a Servitor in the University, who was commanded by his Tutor to goe down to the Kitchin and heat some meat, who instead thereof did eat it, justifying the act by saying, H non est litera; how, said the stander by, is H no letter? I am sorry for that, for my name being Hill, 'twill be then Ill.

AN arch Young wagg hearing one morning the cry of Kitchin-stuff, called the woman to him, and askt her what she cryed? Ritching-stuff said she, what's that quoth he? she repli'd it was that dropt from flesh: say you so said he, call to morrow and I will fur∣nish you with some, the next morning she came, and this Wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of si•• re∣verence

—the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused, and be∣gan to be angry; nay, nay, says the young man you have no cause for pas∣sion, have not I fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what drops from flesh? it is very true said she, and now I think on it, your flesh appears to me very dry (and stroaking his face with her sh— hand) wants a little greasing, and stands in need I think of basting too.

ONe asked a profuse Gallant why he would sell his Land; he replyed, because he was now on his journey to∣wards Heaven, where he could not arrive till he had for saken the Earth.

TWo seeing a handsome young Wench pass by them whome they knew many grains too light, but very poor, one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare: it is no wonder said the other, for she is common.

THere was a Gentlewoman named Cunny, who was of a free jolly, yet innocent disposition; a Gentleman

chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay, whose name was Parsley; being askt one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney, very well said he, but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stust with Parsley.

A Crooked Dwarf passing along the streets, said one, look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of pro∣digious height; who doe you mean said the other that Dwarf? I that Dwarf if you call him so said the other; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this City.

A Lass espying a young mans testicles hang out of his breeches, that were broken in the seat, askt him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was? it is my Purse quoth he, thy Purse quoth she, then I am sure my Purse is cut.

AN idle drunken Dyer complained to a serious pious Neighbour of his, that whatsoever he undertook to dye came commonly by a mischance; to which the other replyed, that the only way to have this amended was, speedily

to mend himself, for he that lived ill, could never die well.

ONe asked another why men were not content to tell lyes, but they must publish them in print, the reason is apparent said the other, because when men lye, they most desire to lye in sheets.

ONe asked what should be the rea∣son that Prentices were so apt to quarrel with Gentlemen upon a small occasion, because said the other they are glad any occasion to knock them, for knocking their Mistresses.

THree young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry, it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with along Gray beard looked into the room, whom, as soon as they had espied, to show their wit, saluted him with the name of Father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob; I am (said the Gentleman) neither Father Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, but Saul the son of Kish, who went out to seek his Fathers Asses, and here I find them, and here I leave them.

A Young Bucksom Gentlewoman was very much perswaded to leave a Town call'd Maidenhead, and go into the coun∣try, to marry a rich man, old and im∣potent, which she refused; being asked the reason, said she, I am resolved to live in Maidenhead a little longer, for as yet I have no mind to go to Graves-end.

A Young Maid coming fresh out of the Country, was courted by a Person of Quality, whom she understood was Poxt; he daily wooed her, and promised her Marriage; she refused, and being asked the reason, why she (that was meanly born) would not marry one, that would not only enrich her, but enoble her blood? I will not, said she, currupt my Flesh to better my Blood for any Prince in Christendom.

A Gentlewoman cheapning of a Clostool, bid too little for it; the Trunk-maker to perswade her to give more, desired her to look on the goodness of the Lock and Key; as for that quoth the Gentlewoman I value not, for I purpose to put nothing into it, but what I Care not who steals out.

A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time, was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the Heads of the University, who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour, and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text, What? Cannot ye watch one hour? At every devision he concluded with his Text, which by reason of the Vice-Chancellors sitting so near the Pulpit, often awaked him; this was so noted by the Wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour, that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Can∣terbury, who willing to redess him, sent for this Scholar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge, where coming, he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Arch Bishop enjoined him to preach before King James, after some excuses he at length condescended, and coming into the Pulpit, begins, James the first and the sixth; Waver not; meaning the first King of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the King was some∣what

amazed at the Text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his Chaplains in ordinary; after this advancement, the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambrige to make his Recantation to the Vice-Chancellor, and to take leave of the University; which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the Verse of the former Text, Sleep on now and take your rest, Concluding his Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vice-Chan∣celour, Saying, whereas I said before, (which gave offence) What? cannot you watch one hour? I say now, sleep on, and take your rest, and so lest the University.

A Learned and charitable Doctor ha∣ving made (for the benefit of the Country wherein he dwelt) a large Causey, whilst he was overseeing his work, a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way, who seeing the Doctor, saluted him kindly, think∣ing to jeer him into the bargain; Dr. (quoth he) for all your pains and ex∣pences, I suppose this is not the High∣way to Heaven: I think (replyed the Doctor) you have hit the nail on the

head, for if it had, I should have wondred to have met your Lord-ship here.

A Gentleman that was very faint heart∣ed, fell sick, whereupon his friend went to visit him, and found him so shamefully afraid of death, that he had not patience to stay with him, for all his words were, ah! ah! ha! what shall I do, have I no friend in the world that will dis∣patch me from this grief and pain? reiterating these words over and over; hereupon his friend, to try him, drew his sword, and clapping it to his breast said, yea, you have me your friend left, who will instantly do you that kind∣ness; the Sick person startled thereat, and cryed out, hold friend, hold; though I have a desire to be rid of my pains, yet I have no such mind to be rid of my life.

A Minister having Preached in the Parish of St. Bennets Sheerhog above half a year, and yet received nothing from the Church-wardens, h••rkned out for another Benefice, and quickly found one vacant; now to the intent that he might not leve them abruptly, he civily told them of his intention, and that he

would give them a Farewell Sermon, though they had not deserved it from him; Having reproved them severely, for their enormities, at the conclusion, he spake something in relation to the Pa••sh, and Parish ••oners, in words to this effect, T••e••loved, I understand that the name of this Parish is Benners-Sheerhog, and I presume very well it may, for my part I have instructed you above six months, without reward, ••d therefore may say, Hogs I found you, and Hogs I leave you, but the Devil sheer you.

A plain Country fellow born in Essex, coming to London (which place he never saw before, as he walkt the streets he espied a rope hanging at a Mer∣chants door with a handle at it, wonder ing what it meant, he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro, at length pulling it hard, he heard a Bell ring; it so hap••ed that the Merchant being near the door, went himself and de∣manded what the follow would have; nothing Sir said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What Country man are you said the Merchant? An Essex man an't

please you replyed the other. I thought so quoth the Merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a Calf; It may be so replyed the Country man; but I think that ••an can no sooner ring a Bell in London but a Cuckold looks out presently.

A Gentleman having Sore eyes, occa∣sioned by ebriety, was advised by his Physician to forbear drinking of wine; but he said, he neither could nor would forbear it, maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body, then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation.

A Country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the Monkeys dance upon the ropes; why said his Wife, it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such bables; O quoth he, I could have gone thither with my Neighbour Hobson on foot like a fool as I was, and Imight have rid back upon my Neigh∣bour Jobsons Mare like an Ass as I am.

Thus in the Preter tense a Fool he was, And in the Present tense he is an Ass; And in the Future Fool and Ass shall be, That goes or rides so far such sights to see.

SOme Gentlemen being in a Tavern as they were in the height of their jollity, in came a freind of theirs whose name was Sampson; a ha! said one we may be now securely merry, searing neither Serjeant or Bailiff, for if a thou∣sand of such Philitins come, here is Sampson who is able to brain them all; to whom Sampson replyed, Sir, I may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your Jaw bones.

A Gentleman seeing a very prety made with her Valentin pind on her sleeve, intending to play the Wag with her, askt, if her Wastcoat was to be let? yes Sir said she to be let alone; I am content said he, to let your Wastcoat alone, but not your Petticoat.

A Gentlewoman, to be in the fashion, must needs (like her neighbours) have a friend, or Gallant befides her

husband; having singled out one day one (whom she thought fit for her pur∣pose) privately she told him, how dear∣ly she loved him, above all men! her husband chancing to over-hear her; said, Sir, believe her not; for she hath told me the same many times this seven years, and God knows how many more besides.

A Gentleman that was purblind, or dim-sighted, hapned against his will to affront another person of quality, who thereupon challenged him the Field; the other returned him this answer: that his eyes were weak, and could not indure the light, & therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fighting him in the open Field; but as a Gentleman he desired him not to desire ods, and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark Cellar, and to dispatch the quarrel, pitcht upon no other weapon but an Hatchet; This strange challenge so pleased the Gen∣tleman, that instead of fighting, they be∣came very good friends.

MR. Dunscom, and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the

Country, fell out about five foot of ground, and nothing must serve but the Law to decide the controversie: to't they went, and sued one another so long, that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in for∣ma pauper is; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing, and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious, to the utter ••uine of each other, said thus; Gentlemen, there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights, the fault is not in the Law, but in you and such like, who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction f•• their own and anothers family. But to the business in hand; here is five foot of land in contr••ve••sie between you, and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety; wherefore my Sentence shall be, that the five foot of land be equally divided; and now let me desire you, Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to devide your name too, take comb and put it to Cox; then your name will be Dunce, and his Coxcomb; and so gave order for their Names to be registred on Re∣cord.

A Tradesman having servants, observed 〈◊〉〈◊〉 to ramble at nights; and watch∣ing him one time, lockt him out, and took the keyes up with him; the ramble being over, home came this Apprentice and knocking at the door, could get no 〈◊〉〈◊〉; whereupon he earnestly beg'd his follow servant to let him in; Introth Tom I cannot (said he) my master hath the keys, and I dare not ask them of him: but if you will go to him your self 'tis ten to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 he will let you in.

A Gentlewoman of greater beauty then chastity, standing in a Balcony, was gazed on by a Fop Gallant that had as little wit and manners, as she had none∣sty; in his long stairing her in the face, be made some abusive signs, which forc∣ed her to withdraw; hereupon this Gentleman, ask•• her whether the Sun offended her, and so, drove her thence, yes (said she,) thy Mothers Son, that Son of a Whore.

A Gentleman having a very sore nose a long time, was askt by his friend how it was; truly said he, it hath been very

bad, but now it is pretty Current; I think so too says the other, for 'tis always run∣ning.

A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels, was interrupted by a Lady, who said she had travelled farther then him if so Madam says he, as Travellers we may lye together by authority.

A Journy-man Baker watcht his op∣portunity, and stole a Neighbours Goose, which he perceiving, cryed out as the Baker was runing, Baker, Baker; I will, I will, said he, Being served with a Warrant, he told the Justice, his Neighbour bid him bake her, as he did, but not coming to eat her, he did eat her himself.

AS two Doctors were walking, an un∣happy Baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads, one of them hereat grew angry, says t'other we are Phisitians, but let us be Patients; and calling to her; said, are you not ashamed for your impudence, to cast water before two well known Doctors, when it is none of your Profession.

SAys a Lord, my friend, I should know thee, yes says he, I am one of your Lordships Tennants, my name is F. L. O says the Lord, I remember there were two Brothers of you, one is dead, but which is he that is alive? It is I my Lord, says Wise-acre.

A Young man Married a cross piece of flesh, who not contented though her husband was very kind, made continual complaints to her Father, to the great griefe of both Families; the husband being no longer able to indure this Scurvy humour, banged her soundly: hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the pervers∣ness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her sides soundly too; saying, go and commend me to your husband, and tell him I am now even with him, for I have cudgeled his Wife, as he hath beaten my Daughter.

IN the last great Plague time, a Con∣stable heard a woman beating of her Husband; whereupon he ran immedi∣ately and set a Cross on the door, and a

watchman to attend, being askt the reason; he said, a greater Plague under Heaven could not befall a man then for to be beaten by his wife.

A Fellow hearing one say according to the Italian Proverb, that three women make a Marken with their ch••tting, nay then said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a Faire.

Q Ne askt his Friend what such a one was that was the•••• in company, the other replyed he was a Proctor, and had done some business of his Wifes; you mistake said the other, he doth not thy wifes business but doth thy business on thy wife.

A Red nosed man and his wife being invited to Supper, was intreated going home to take a light with him being very da••k, it needs not said the man, for my nose and my Wife are light enough.

A Taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him no∣thing: you lye like a Rogue said she, I bring you children every year without your help or assistance.

A Countryman told his wife 'twas her fault that his Daughter played the whore for she should have lock-her up, lock me no locks says she, the Devil take that key that cannot undo that lock.

UPon the christning of a child, said the Husband to his pretendedly religious Wife, my Dear, who dost think hath promised to be Godfather? I know not quoth she? why e'ne Thom. Alcock, O the Father! Will he be here, says she.

A Gentleman hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs, which he did, but it was in the mud; for which the Gentleman grew angry, and would not pay him a farthing, saying, my bargain was to Land me at Temple-stairs, but this is Puddle-deck••

A Gentleman having a very hand∣some servant, and as he verily con∣cluded a Maid, sollicited her to lie with him; but she refused; at last it came to this, that all she feared was he would hurt her; he told her no: she said, if he did, she would cry out; all being

finisht, la you there said he, did I hurt you? or did I cry out, said she? Her Mrs. not long after perceived her puking, askt her whether she was not with child; ••charging her home, she confest, and that it was her Master got it, where said she? in the Truckle-bed, where was I then? in the High-bed forsooth a sleep, O you Whore, why did you not cry out; why forsooth (said she) since my Master did not hurt me, why should I cry out? Had you been in my condition would you have done so?

ONe Mr. Eaton making one day a plentifull feast, amongst other dishes he had a Goose, which those at the upper end of the table had so mang∣led, that there was nothing left in a manner but the Skeleton; however Mr. Eaton (in civility) askt some at the lower end, whether they would eat any Goose; one taking it as a trick put upon them, said, no Sir, I thank you, here is plenty of other food to feed on? As for your Goose it is Eaton.

MR Buck invited Mr. Cook to din∣ner, (who was a clownish Gen∣tleman)

to a Venison Pasty; at dinner Mr. Cook was pleased (though uncivi∣ly) to say, Mr. Buck, in troth your Buck is ill season'd, and but half baked, it may be so sayd he, but yet Buck is good meat; but what says the Proverb, God sends meat, but the Devil sends Cooks.

TWo Gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit, one had much the better on't, and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy, that the company taking notice of it fell a laughing; saying, that he was struck dead at a blow, as Sampson did the Philistins; to which the other briskly replyed, I think so too, and by the same means, for I received that blow by a Jaw bone of an Ass.

A Farmer being Consumptive, came with his wife to a Doctor, who ad∣vised him to drink Asses milk every morning; saying moreover, that if he could not get it, the Farmer should come to him; why Husband, said the Wife, d••th the Doctor give suck?

A Gentle woman sitting carelesly by a fire side, sate stradling, her husband in a pleasant humor told her, that her Cabinet stood open: say you so said she, why don't you lock it then? for I am sure that none keeps the Key but your self?

A Gentlewoman delighting in plu∣rality of lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely, but were unacquainted with each others loves; one of them having layne with this Gentlewoman one night, lost his ring in the bed, which the other found the next night after; the day following, the other sees it on his friends finger; after a great many arguings about it, they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues; the Gentleman demands his Ring; the other refuses; at last it was agreed that it should be left to the next commer by, who should have the Ring; it chanced to be the husband of this woman, who under∣standing the whole matter, adjudged the Ring should belong to him who

own'd the sheets; marry then said they, for your excellent judgement, you shall have the ••ing.

A Scholar in a Colledg-Hall declam∣ing, having a bad memory, was at a stand whereupon in a low voice he de∣sired one that stood close by, to help him out; no says the other, methinks you are out enough already.

A Poor harmless man was continu∣ally ab••sed by a scolding wife; and such was her imp••dence that she would call him Cuckold a hundred times to∣gether, a Ninny standing by and hear∣ing it, said What a fool this man is to let his Wife know he is a Cuckold.

A Country Gentleman riding down Corn-Hill, his Horse stumbled, and threw him into a shop; the Mrs. there∣of being a pleasant woman, not forbear∣ing smiling, (seeing there was no hurt done) askt him, whether his horse used so to serve him, yes, said he, when he comes just against a Cuckol••s door; Then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side

A Man and his Dog (named Cuck∣old,) going together in the even∣ing returning home, the Dog ran in a doors first; O Mother says the boy Cuckold's come; Nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure.

ONe said, (having drunk small Beer) that it was dead; it is very likely said another, for it was very weak when I was here last.

WHat a sad condition am I in, said a fellow in the Stocks? I Can see over the wood, under the wood, and through the wood, but can't get out of the Wood.

ONe running into a Neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to sound; alas, said the other I wish you had com a little sooner; For I ju••t now threw away a whole Kittle full.

A Scriveners man reading a Bill of Sale to his Master; (according to forme) I do demise, grant, and to farme let, and sell all my Lands—but on sudden the Cough took him, that at present he

could not read a word more; at which his Master being angry, bid him read on with a Pox; at which words he went on, To you, your Heirs, and their Heirs for ever.

AN ancient Gentlewoman had a Ne∣phew a Scholar in Katherin-Hall in Cambridge, and meeting one day his Tutor, she askt him how her Nephew behaved himself? truly Madam (said he) he is a great student, and holds close to Katherin-Hall; I vow (said she) I fear∣ed as much, For the boy was ever given to wenches from his Infancy.

ONe Phanatick said to another, that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent; how said the other, I hope it was not on Good-Friday, as they call it; no said the other, but it was on Ash-Wed∣nesday as they call it, why that's as bad said the other; But hear the truth Brother, I did eat so much on Shrove Tuesday, As they call it, that I could not eat a bit the day after, as they call it.

A Seaman unaccustomed to ride, was mounted on a curvetting horse,

which reard a loft; hey day quoth he, I never expected to have met with Billows here to be thus tost on land before.

A Fat man riding on a lean Horse, was askt why he was so fat, and his Horse so leane? said he, I look to my self, but my man to my Horse.

A foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravisht her; what did he doe says he? he tied my hands so fast I could not stirr them; and what else? Why Sr. said she, He would have tied my legs too, but I had the wit to keep them far enough a sunder.

A Man having a candle in his hand, said, by this light wife I dreamed last night thou madest me a Cuckold: she having a piece of bread in her hand, said, by this bread Husband but I did not: Eat the bread then says he, nay (sayes she) eat you the candle, for you swore first.

A Gentleman riding near the Forrest of Which-wood in Oxford-shire, askt a fellow what that wood was cal'd? he

said, Whichwood Sir. Why that Wood (said the Gentleman) Which-wood Sir, Why that Wood I tell thee; he still said Which-wood; I think said the Gen∣tleman thou art as senseless as the Wood that grows there, it may be so replyed the other, But you know not Which-wood.

ONe Gentleman desired another to drink more then he could bare, a••d therefore he refused; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through, nay, rather then that, said the other, I will run my self through, and pledge you afterwards, and so running through the door down stairs, left the other to pay the reckoning.

A Man walking with a Pike-staff in his hand, it chanced that a Dog came running at him open mouth'd; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the Pike down his throat, and killed him; the Dogs Master askt the fellow, why he did not save his Dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff? So I would said he if he had run at me with his tail.

ONe askt a Painter how he could draw such excellent Pictures, and yet get such ugly children? it is (said he) Because I make the one in the night, and the other in the day.

ONe asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature? O friend said he, of all evils the least is to be chosen.

A Gentleman walking early in the morning, met his friend coming from his Mistress whose name was Field, Sr. said he, how came you in this wet pickle? In troth Sr. I am thus bedewed by coming over yonder Field; nay, said the other, I rather believe it was by ly∣ing all night in yonder Field.

A Gentleman that was a great Ta∣vern hunter, askt his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine; the other refused, saying, his face was red enough already, and drinking wine would make it worse, a pox on that face (quoth the other) that makes the whole body fare the worse.

Another said, that was a very great drinker, when he dyed he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in man∣ner and form following, at these Ta∣verns, ten pound at the Wonder in Lud∣gate-street, for honest men, and no Brew∣ers; ten pound at the Castle for Military men, ten pound at the Miter for Clergy men, ten pound at the Horne Tavern for Citizens, and ten pound at the Devil Tavern for Lawyers.

ONe haveing two sons, one legiti∣mate and the other illegitimate; he made the Bastard his Heir, the Fa∣ther dying, the two sons falling out, the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth; True, said he, I did, but it was to keep you out of the house.

Another Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man, as to his own Father, yes (said he) But I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to chuse you such a Father, then to your Father to chuse you such a Mother.

A Gamester borowed five pound of a Gentleman, and lost it at play; thereupon he sent to borrow five pound more by this token, that he owed him already five pound; Pray (said the Gentleman) Bid your Master send me the token, and I'le send him the five pound.

A Gallant standing in a maze, a Lady askt him what he was thinking on, he said of no think; what do you think on (said she) when you think on no∣thing? faith, sayes he, then I think on you and the inconstancy of your Sex.

A Gentleman having been abroad in the fields, came hungry home and call'd for his dinner, Sir, said his man it is early day 〈◊〉〈◊〉, the clock ha∣ving but just now struck ten; Pish, sayes he, don't tell me of ten by the clock, when it hath struck Twelve by my stomack.

SOme Gentlemen in a Tavern want∣ing attendance, one took the pint pot, and threw it down stairs; present∣ly up came a quart; then he flung the quart down, and up came a pottle; is it

so, said the Gentleman? then I will have one throw more, and so flung the Drawer down stairs, saying, I will see whether thou wilt come up double too.

A Handsome Wench, and very gentile in habit, was brought by a Con∣stable before a Justice late at night; the Justice finding no matter of fact, onely bare suspition, in favour of her, bid the Constable take her home to his house for that night; that I shall do Sir, says he, if your worship will be pleased to comm••t my wife till the morning.

A Soldier being quartered at a Gun, an unhappy shot came in at the Port-hole and took off his leg; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye at some distance from him, Prithee Ginner (said he) take it up, and clap it into the Gun, and send it among those roguing Dutch, that it may kick their arses for the in∣jury they have done its master.

THe same man had the fortune to loose in the following engagment, not on∣ly the other leg, but both his armes, as he was carying down to the Chyrurgeon

he called to his Captain, Sir, said he, if you live and I live, pray tell His Majesty; that he hath a faithful subject, who in his service hath lost both his Arms and Legs, so that he is incapable to serve him further, however he hath left a loyall heart, which shall ever pray for the welfare of his Majesty.

A Tradesman one Morning going out about some business, wanted a Pin for his Band, the indulgent Wife hearing that, ran to him very officious∣ly, and joyning her Belly close to his, was a great while about his Collar, by which means she observed some erecti∣on more then ordinary, and thereupon pulls off his Band, and takes him by the Shoulder, saying, you are in a fit condition to go abroad in, are you not? Come come along with me, and so brought him up stairs into her Bed-Chamber, where having staid a while, she came down with him, saying, you may now Husband go where you please, you need not be ashamed, for you know I have drest you like a Civil Man.

A Doctor in a Coffee-house talking of many things, happened at last to averr, that all bitter things were natu∣rally hot; not so Mr. Doctor, said a stander by; why so, said the Doctor? why I'le appeal to all that the learned Phisicall Authors, ancient and modern, from Noahs time to this present, who all say the quallity of bitter things is hot; how will it hold with this then Mr. Doctor said the other? and I must ap∣peal to experience, that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather, from whence I gather all bitter things are not hot.

THe same man a little time after, in a Coffee-house hearing a Mercer bounce, that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop; nay that I don't believe said this Gentleman; for in your whole shop and Ware-house, I don't think you can show me a pattern of Kitching stuff.

SIrrah, said a Gentleman, if thou drawest me good Wine for my Mo∣ny, then thou art fitter to draw then to hang, but if thou drawest me bad Wine for my good Mony, then thou art fit∣ter to hang then draw.

A Person one Sa••both day, and that very lately, went to the Queens Chappel more out of Curiosity then Devotion, who having tired himself with the observation of Romish Cere∣monies, he went out of the Chappel, and seeing Bills affixed to the Pillars, drew near, and as he was reading to himself, a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him, and askt him what he read, Mistress said he, this Bill signifies that a person being Sick, desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither, What is it I pray, said this old Gentlewoman, [pretending Deafness, and gathering up closer to him] it is, said he, as aforesaid, speaking lowder. The third time she askt him the same question, saying, Sir, excuse me, I am very Deaf, pray speak a little lowder, which he did to satisfie her, by this time she pickt his Pocket, and having so done, she dropt him a low Curtsy, saying, I hear you now Sir, I give you many thanks, for you have given me good satisfaction, and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction, when he came home, he could not find one cross in his Pocket.

AT that time when there was an Act that Canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart, a Gentle∣man in a Tavern called for a pint of that wine, the Drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth; what mean you by this said the Gentlenman? why, is it not full said the Drawer? no said the other not by one fourth, Sir, it was full I can assure you when I was in the Collar (quoth the drawer) but to tell you the truth, as I came running up ••stum∣b••dion an Act of Parliament, and so spilt what you see is wanting.

ONe being desired to eat some Oy∣sters, refused for these reasons, first they were ungodly meat, because they were ea••en without saying Grace; un∣christian meat, because they were eaten a live; uncharitable meat, because they left no off••ll to the poor; and unprofitable meat, because most com∣monly there was more spent upon them then they cost, and by their means more spent otherwise, then they and the rec∣koning amounted too.

A Young Gentleman wanting a sum of mony, went to a Scrivener, de∣siring him to lend him an hundred pound privately, that it might not come to his Fathers ear; the Scrivener promised all the secrecy imaginable; the Gentleman receiving the money, and going to seal the Bond, read the first line, which was, Know all Men by these presents, that J. F. Gent. do owe unto, &c. said the young Gentleman, are not you a damned Rogue; who for the future will be∣lieve you, since you promised none should know my debt? and yet you say, Know all men by these presents, &c.

A Carter chanced to overturn his Cart far from any assistance, so that the poor Fellow was forced to stand by, till he could find somebody coming that way, that might help him, at length a Parson came, and thinking to put a joke on the poor Carter, said, how now Carter, what, I see thou hast killed the Devil; yes in faith master, quoth he, and I have wait∣ed two hours for a Parson to bury him; and now you are come very seasonably.

A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate, they stopt him; but he would not be stopt, for he was in hast: they still detaining him, he askt them what they were? The Watch, said they; the Watch, quoth he, what watch you for? the King, said they (meaning the Kings watch) for the King, quoth he, then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such a man; for I'es een Billy Noddy's Son of Lancashire.

A Porter coming home one night, com∣plained of the many burdens he car∣ried that day, the woman (though but plain, yet very handsome) replyed, well husband, and I bear my share of burdens too, though not so heavy; lets be content, for as we share in the profit, so we will reap the pleasure on't.

A Gentleman being newly trimmed, the Barbor left only some hairs on his upper lip; visiting a Gentlewo∣man she innoently said, Sir, you have a beard above, and none below; and you says he Madam, have a beard below and none above, Say you so says she, then put one against t'other.

A Young bucksome baggage with a Candle in her hand, was set upon by a hot spurr, who by all means must have about with her, but she vowed if he medled with her, she would burn him; Will you so (sayes he) I'le try that, and thereupon blew out the Candle, think∣ing himself safe from the threat, however not long after he found she was as good as her word.

A Travellor in a cold frosty night, coming to his Inn, he stood so near the Kitchen fire, that he burnt his boots; which the Turn-spit boy seeing; said, Sir, you will burn your spurs presently; my boots thou meanest Boy; No Sir, said he, they are burned already.

ONe said, I hear your wife is quick already, yes says he, a pox on her she is very nimble, for I have been mar∣ried to her but a month, and she is ready to lye down: well, since it is so, I will go and instead of buying one Cradle, I will buy half a score, for I can't have less then ten Children in a twelve month, if she holds on as she begins.

A Shoomaker thought to mock a Cob∣ler being black, saying, what news from Hell? How fares the Devil? Faith, says the Cobler, he was just riding forth as I came thence, and pulling on his boots, he complained grievously that he was in the Shoomakers stocks, and desired me to send him a Shoomaker to widen his boots, and draw them on for him.

AN arch Country fellow haveing been at London, upon his return was askt by his shee Neighbour, what news he heard there, news (quoth he) all the news that I heard was, that there was a great press out for Cuckolds; Is there so (said she) then to aviod the worst my hu••band shall not stir out of doors, till the press be over.

A Light House-wife Married one whose Name was Not, whom she Cuckold and Buried, at her Death these Verses were made on her,

Not a Maid, Not a Wife, Not a Widow, Not a Wh••re, She was Not these, and yet she was all four.

ONe saying that a Married woman had no power to make a Will, in troth said another it would be better for Men, if they had the Priviledge to make a Will when they die, then for them to Usurp a Prerogative of having their Wills all the days of their life.

A Gentleman pretending to have a a great desire to Marry, askt ad∣vice of a Friend concerning so weighty a Matter; a mad Hec. of the Town hearing thereof, sent him these Lines, I know not whether designedly to di∣vert him from Marriage, or to show his own (A la Mode) aversion to it.

Out of ••t••rk Love, and errant Devotion, Of Marriage. I'le give you this Galloping Notion. 'Tis bane of all business, the end of all Pleasure, Consumption of Youth, Wit, Virtue, and Treasure. 'Tis the Rack of our Thoughts, Night Mare of our Sleeps, That calls us to Work before the Day Peeps; Commands to make Brick without Stubte or Straw, For a C— hath no Sense, nor Conscience, or Law, If you must be for flesh, take the way that is Noble, In a generous Wench there is nothing of Trouble. You come on, you go off, say, do what you please, And the worst you can fear is but a Disease, And Diseases you know may hope for a Cure, But the pain of being Married who can it endure.

A Married man of good note got a Wench with child, and was told by the Justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his Marriage bed; You mistake Sir, said he, there was no defiling of the bed in the matter, for it was done in the field.

Being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his Maids bed; you mis∣take sweet-hart, said he, tis no such matter, for she likes the sport so well, that she saves me that labour.

A Gentleman faln to decay shifted where he could, amongst the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his Guest, and to be rid of him feighned a falling out with his wife, by which means there fare was very slender: the Gentleman perceiving there drift, but not knowing whether to go to bet∣ter himself, Told them he had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again.

A Gentleman going home late, met with the watch, who bade him come before the Constable, approach∣ing near; which is the Constable, said he; I am the Constable said Mr. Not; the Gentleman knowing him by name, (though little otherways) said, you are Not the Constable Sir, but I am said the other; I say you are Not the Constable; because said the other you say I am not the Constable, you shall find I have power to commit you to the Counter, as he was going the Gentleman turned back, and said, pray Mr. Not, and Not the Constable, let me go home to my Lod∣ging; Mr. Not was so well pleased with the quibble, that he sent him home with a couple of watchmen.

ONe having let a Farme by word of mouth to a Tennant that much abused the same, it so nettled him, that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a wri∣ting; his wife over-hearing the Vow, Good Husband (quoth she) recall your words, or else you must have a writing for every Fart you let.

A Physitian was wont to say when he met any friend, I am glad to see you well, in troth Sir, said one, I think you but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

A Discreet staid Gentleman being accidentally in a crowd, got a broken pate, one seeing it, said, See what a suddain change there is in yonder Gentleman, it was not long since he was lookt upon staid, sober, and discreet, and now he hath gotten a running head.

ONe said that the King of Spain was the greatest Potentate of the whole Universe, for he Sack•• more Cities and Countrys, then all other Princes be∣sides.

We from Spains Monarch, as all Merchants Know, Have our Canary, and stout Maligo. Thus doth he Sack each City, Town, and Village, For which the Vintners do our Purses pil∣lage.

A Lawyer being Sick made his Will, and gave away his estate to Luna∣tick, Frantick, and Mad-people, being askt why he did so, he answered, That from such he received it, and to such he would give it again.

A Farmer growing very Rich, was Knighted, hereupon his wife made her self as fine as a Lady; which one observing, said, that the Farmers worship was much to blame in spoiling a Good-wife, to make a Mad-dam.

A Knight having three Sons, and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son, told him that necessity forced him to bind him Apprentice, and bid him choose his Trade; the Lad being ingenious told his Father he would be a Tanner; why that nasty trade says he? O Sir replied the Son, considering the slenderness of your Estate it is most suitable to my condition, for three Hides will set me up: what Hides are those says the Fa∣ther? Sir (says he) yours and my two el∣der Brothers.

A Pretender to Poetry, was Rehear∣sing some Verses to one, which he said he made betwixt High-Gate and London, as he was Riding on a lame Jade, truly said the other you needed not to have told me that, For I know by your hobling Verses what disease your Horse was troubled with.

A Gentleman one night very late, or early in the morning, and half ••udled, yet had wit enough, was called before the Constable, who askt him where he was going, he replyed he could not tell; then said the Constable you shall go to the Counter; look you there said the Gentleman, did I not tell you, I could not tell whither I was going, For did I know, whether you would let me go home, or send me to prison, for which conceit he was released.

ONe said that no men had greater confidence in their Country then Thieves, Because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains.

AN Apprentice being a servant to a young married Couple, observed every day after dinner, that his Master and Mistris went up into their Bed-chamber; being an arch Rogue, he imagined what to do. A Gentleman coming one afternoon, askt where his Master and his Mistris were; I think (said the boy) My Mistris is abroad, but I suppose my Master is at home.

A Quaker coming to Court to speake with the King about the lord knows what, past through the Presence, and Privy-chambers with his hat on, which some would have taken off, but the King bid them let him alone, whilst he was telling a long rible rable story, the King took an occasion to take off his own hat; hereupon the Quaker stopt, and said, O King thou maist be covered, if thou wilt. Well (says the King) if I give you your liberty, I hope you will allow me mine.

ONe seeing a Lawyer riding on a Dun-horse, look yonder (says he) Is the Devill upon Dun.

SOme Gentlemen Travelling, and coming near a Town, Saw an old woman spinning near a Duckin-stool; one to make the company merry, askt the good woman, what that Chair was made for? said she, you know what it is; indeed, says he, I know not, unless it be the chair you use to spin in some∣times; no no, said she, you know it to be otherwise: have you not heard that it is the Cradle your good Mother hath often lay•• in.

ONe was perswaded to adventure somthing at the Lottery; not I, said he, for none has luck at it but rank Cuckolds: his wife standing by, per∣swaded him by all means for to venture; for said she, I am certain then you will have very good luck.

TWo Gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies; one of whom lying on his death-bed, thought of a way to be eternally reven∣ged on the other; whereupon he sent for him, and told him that he would make him his Excecutor; why me (says

he,) since you ever hated me to death? so I do still says t'other: but my rea∣son is, Because I think most Excecutors go to Hell, and I hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape.

A Quaker having taken a room in an Inne, a Hector coming after, would needs have the room from him, swearing, damming, and sinking after a most damnable rate: but the other told him mildly it was his room, and by yea, and nay he should not come there; the other thereupon struck him, which so provoked the old man in this stout Quaker, that he repayed his blows with usury; and at last kickt him down stairs: with that the Master of the house sent up to know what was the matter; noth∣ing (said one) but that Yea and Nay hath kickt God damme down stairs.

A Citizen coming into Ludgate, saw an old acquaintance of his there confin'd: Lord, Tom, says he, how cam'st thou hither? he replyed, a blind man might have come thither as well as he, for he was led thither betwixt two, who would not suffer him to goe any other way.

A Lady found fault with a Gentle∣man dancing; saying, that he stradled too much: Madam (said he) if you had that betwixt your legs that I have betwixt mine, you would straddle much wider.

SOme Blades being merry together; one said that all the women in such a Town were accounted Whores; a mad fellow hereupon swore he believ'd so, For his Mother, and his three Sisters were born there.

A Fellow going in the dark, held out his arms to defend his face; com∣ing against the door which stood out∣right, he run his nose against the edge thereof; whereupon he cryed out, Hey day, what a Pox is the matter, my nose was short enough just now, and is it in so short a time grown longer then my Arms.

ONe said nothing was more valiant then the Collar of a Taylors shirt, being askt the reason, because (said he) Every morning it hath a Thief by the neck.

ONe seeing a Drawer drunk, said, that the wine was even with him; For he had pierced the Wines Hogs-head, and the Wine had pierced his.

TWo Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house, told a great many forreign storys, which a Gentleman, and a great Travel∣ler fitting by, knew to be notorous lyes, but contradicted them not; but told one of his own making, which was, that now is to be seen at S. Albans, a Stone Trough, which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use, and that ever since, if Swine should eat any thing out of it, they would dye instantly; the Jesuits hearing this, re∣solved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict: coming to St. Albans, they found no such matter; and returning home, taxt the Gentleman with telling such an untruth, saying, they had taken pains to ride and see it, but found no such thing: Gentlemen (said he) I thought you had been more civill; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lyes, and I went not about to disprove you, and I told you but one, and you by your own confession, have rid twenty miles to do it.

A Landlord askt his Tenant how ma∣ny children she had; three said she; two of them, Will and Tom. are pretty Boys, but Diggory is a great loggerhead∣ed Lout, and in troth Landlord, methinks, he looketh as like you, as if he was spit out of your mouth.

SOme Thieves met with a man, and robb'd him of all he had, then bound him and layd him in a wood: a little after they met another, and served him in like manner, and laid him not far from the other; the first cryed out, I'me undone I'me undone; the other hear∣ing him say so, desired him to come and undoe him too, since he was undone himself.

SAys one, Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, Wheels converse, Lawyers contend, Foxes consent, Miners condis∣cend, Women conceive, Apple-Mongers consider, Milstones contrive, Rope∣makers concord, Scriveners condition, Faggoters combine, Jaylors confine, Sick-men consume, Drumms convene, Commanders conduct, Great men con∣troul, Mourners condole, Clouds con∣dense,

Scholars convince, Counsellors conceal, Country fellows conjobble, Judges condemn, Friars confess, Vi∣ctors conquer, Traitors conjoin, Friends confer, Polititians consult, Cutlers con∣nive, Proud men contemn, Landlords confirm, and their Tenants confarm; Bells convoke; and thus for brevity I conclude.

A Young Gentlewoman desired an excellent Painter to draw her ex∣actly as she was, a Maid, and of the same stature, which he did according to her desire, excepting (as she said) that he had drawn her less then she was; Oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my draught had I made you any taller, or so big, for 'tis very rare in this age, to find a Maid so big, and so tall.

AMongst some women that were chatting of their Husbands: truly (said one) my Husband is the liquo∣rishest man in the world, For I had a small pot of Honey sent me out of Hampshire by a dear friend of mine, and I can no sooner turn my breech, but his Nose will be in it.

ONe friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death, which was an honest woman, Nay had she been honest (said the other) she would never have left thee.

A Lady of great Quality had a Fe∣male Dwarf to attend on her, the excellency of whose Features, and acuteness of Wit, so engaged her La∣dies affection to her, that nothing could plead an equality or esteem within her Breast, and fearing that Death would too soon deprive her of this pretty lit∣tle Animal, one day she proposed to her a Marriage, that thereby she might by the smalness of the Issue, have her remembrance continued; but all the Ladies trouble consisted in this, that she knew not where to get an Husband so little that would sit her; Madam, [said she] take you no ca••e for that, I have lately been in your Ladiships Cellar, and there I found Casks of several Sizes, viz. The great Bellied Hogs-head, the slender, yet long Pipe, the little Kilterkin, and the lesser Ferkin, and yet observing their Bungholes, I found them all much about an equal wide∣ness.

TWo Persons coming from Ireland, and Landing at Holy-Head, the one of which was a Doctor of hysick, very much Crumpt-back, the other though a Knight, yet his original was but a Post-boy, Riding on the Road, the Doctor being a very Facetious Man, observing this Knight to Ride a little too hard for him, called to him, saying, Sir, not so fast I pray, you forget your self, for you are not Riding Post at this time; The Knight hereupon turning back, looking earnestly on him, replyed, What ever I have done, I am sure you have forgotten your self, for [pointing to his back] you might have delivered your Port∣mantue to your Man, and not carried the burthen your self.

A Country Gentleman coming to London, and having never seen Guild-Hall before, was walking in it, strangely admiring that lofty, stately Structure, adorned with the lively Re∣presentations of these incomparable Persons; at Jength he accosts one, whom he saw walking with less wonder, and askt him, what the Name of the

place was, and to what end it was Erected, Sir [said he] this Edifice is vul∣garly called Yeeld-Hall, where are kept three Courts, the one at this end is a Court where Law is Practised, but no Conscience; within there is a Court where Conscience is sometimes exercised, but no Law; and at the other end, in yonder Nook, there is a Court wherein is Practised neither Law nor Conscience.

A Gentleman having drank Claret exceeding hard at Lambeth, and crossing the water, nodding as he slept, he chanced to tip over into the Thames, his Friends at the sight hereof were much concern'd, and bustled to get him up, one seeing the bustle that they made, said, Let him alone, let him alone, there is no fear of his drowning, for he is too full of Wine to admit any Water.

ONe demanding of another so much mony as was due to him, told him thus very angerly, Sir, I protect I wont be thus baffled by you any longer, for if you wont pay me my Money, and that presently, take it as you please, I'le tare your Bond before your Face.

THere was a Person lately, whom Necessity prompt to address him∣self to one of the chief Undertakers of the Kings Theatre; a Play was pro∣duced, and a great part thereof offer'd to this Young man to Read, who re∣presented the Humour so well, in a Voice so tunable, and with words so well Accented, that this ingenious Gentleman was very well pleas'd with him, but viewing his Face, which was much Pock broken, squint-eyed, with Features altogether discordant to the Stage, said, I like thy Voice, Action, and Body well, but what shall we do with that Face of thine?

Hearing another speak ill after long instruction, he Swore he need not fear Damnation, for he was confident he had no Soul.

A Chyrurgion going in the Street with more speed then ordinary, to visit a rich Patient who had a dangerous swore Leg, was met by a Friend, who askt him where he was going in that great hast, t'other made answer, To get a brave Gelding out of a Gentlemans Leg that was his Patient.

A Soldier, who had lost one Eye in the Wars, Married a young Wench, whom he thought to find a Maid, but found out on the Nuptial Night to be otherwise, being very angry with her, he askt her why she had so served him, to which she replyed, Would you have me intire to you, when you are defec∣tive to me; pray how come you to loose that Eye, by my Foes quoth he, Then here lies the difference, [said she] I lost my Maiden-head by a Friend.

Of LOVE.

Post visum risum, post risum venit in usum, Post risum tactum post tacium venit in actum, Post actum factum, post factum penitet actum,

Englished Thus.

We see, we laugh, and then to feeling come, Then action clubs unto Loves Martyr∣dome. And when with Blood-shed we the Fort have wone, With hanging Head we wish't had ne're been done.

A stranger passing through the Temple early, had a Pispot discharged on his head; in his amazement, one past by; pray Sir, said he, what place do you call this? the Temple said the other, and what is done here? the other re∣plyed, that young Gentlemen Studdy the Law, I believe rather quoth he, they Study Physick, by their casting so much wa∣ter; and if I mistake not, they are a Com∣pany of Mad fellows too, for just now my head can testifie they threw their stools out of the windows.

AN old Knight requested a favour of the King, but was denyed: think∣ing that the meanness of his habit, and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success; he went home, and hav∣ing shaved all off, and drest himself a-la∣mode with a flaxen Perriwigg, re∣addresed himself to his Majesty con∣cerning the same business; his Majesty perceiving the deceit, said to him, I would be glad to gratify your desire, but it is not long since I denyed it to your Father, and it were unjust to grant the son what I denyed him.

A Fool to a Nobleman having taken some distast, resolved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved: Great search was made after him, but none could find him; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery; there lived a Fool not far, who usally came to visit this Brother of his; who coming according to custom, they told him his Brother was lost; lost quoth he, I'le warrant you I'le find him; and thereupon went up and down every where, crying, I see yee, at length coming to a Pise of Faggots where this Fool had hid himself, he cry∣ed again, I see yee; the other hearing him, started up and cryed, No but you don't.

A Bakers boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head, chanced to hit the face of a Gentleman with the Corner of the loaf: why, how now said the Gentleman, can't you see you rude, unmannerly Rascall? you are mistaken (said the boy) don't you see I am as well bread as your self.

A Very witty Gentleman had the misfortune to loose his Nose, I know not by what means; and passing through Fish-street, a Fishmongers boy, and a very wagg, purposely threw some water on him, pretending to wash his fish; hereupon the Gentleman grew an∣gry, and going into the shop, complains to the Master of this affront; the Master askt his servant the reason why he did so, Sir, said he, the Gentleman blew his Nose on the Fish, and I only endeavour∣ed to wash it off; Judge you Master (said the Gentleman) whether I can blow my Nose, having lost the handle of my Face.

A Meer Scholar, and an idle fellow came to this Gentleman to know whether he was qualified to be a Player; upon tryall he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuft with a parcel of learn∣ed words, without the ingredients of common sence and reason; Well young man (said he) all that I can say to thee is, that thou hast so much learning whipt into thee, that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipt out of thee again.

ONe who all his life time was a great Droll, and full of Jokes, on his Death-bed, was visited by an inti∣mate friend, and a Phys••n, who for some reasons, best known to himself, put his hand into the bed to feel the Patients feet, the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him; said the Doctor, Sir, where are your feet? the Patient replyed, Mr. Doctor, the Proverb saith, after forty, either a Fool, or a Physician, and I think you are both, I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs?

A Country Bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time, made this notable observation; that there were not to be seen so many Stars in the West as in the East; this so troubled him, that he was resolved to find out the rea∣son; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the Fields, at last looking wistly to the West, he saw an exhalation fall; by and by another; then four or five together; Nay, then (said he) I shall cease to wonder that there be fewer Stars in the West, then in the East, since so many fall every night.

A Gentleman in the late Rebellious times, as he was walking in his Chamber merrily amongst his friends, there came a Musquet Bullet through the window, and glancing against a Marble Chimny-piece, hit him on the head without any detriment, and fell at his feet, whereupon stooping, and tur∣ning the flatted bullet, he said, Gentle∣men, those formerly, who had a mind to flat∣ter, were wont to say, that I had a Good Head-piece in my younger days: but if I do not flatter my self, I think I have a good head∣piece now in my old Age, for you see it is Musket proof.

ONe seeing a bare legged fellow running; said, do you hear friend? when those stockings are worn out I will give you a new pair; you may save your self the charge Sir, said he, for they have lasted me this thirty years without re∣pair, and I question not but they will last me as much longer; I have a pair of Breeches likewise of the same stuff, and every whit as old, and yet you may see Sir, there is but one small hole in them.

ANother Bumpkin coming to London, and staring about him, was at last pickt up by a Spirit or Kid-napper, and conveyed aboard a Virginia man; being out at See, he observed one of the Mari∣ners taking the height of a Star with his Jacobs-staff; hereupon he stole pri∣vately behind him, looking over his shoulder, thinking he was shooting; fixing his eye upon the staff, he observed the end of it pointed directly against a Star, and presently thereupon a Mete∣or fell; Gramercy man, faith (quoth the Country fellow) I see thou art abrave Marks-man, for I saw it fall, but I wonder what a Devil thou did••t put in thy Gun, that I could not hear when it went off.

TWo Passing through Petty-coat Lane, where at every door is fixt a large pair of horns (the badge of their occupation) says one, I wish every Cuck∣old in London had such an one visible on his forehead, on condition I gave ten pounds for one my self; I wonder (said the other) you are so profuse, to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with.

ONe seeing the Rump in Council; O strange, said he, what fine brave men are these! I could willingly work for such as long as I lived: what Trade are you said another? why truly (replyed he) I am a Rope-maker.

A Gentleman, none of the wisest, seeing a house very stately built, told the porter it was framed a-la-mode Italian, and asked whether it was made in England, the Porter observing his fol∣ly, said, no Sir, it was made in Florence, and brought hither by two Turky Mer∣chants.

A Lord travelling in his Coach, his horses Tiring, he was constrain'd to take an Inn, where being impatient of staying, his Fool said, my Lord, Let us go before in the Coach, and let the Horses fol∣low after.

AN old man being reproved for swearing, well says he, I am resol∣ved against it; and since I never swear but in my choler, I am resolved for the future alwayes to wear a Doublet without one.

A Couragious Captain just as he was about to ingage, was told by some, who had rather eat then fight, that the enemy was five times their number; are they so said he, no whit dismayed? I am very glad, for then there are enough to be killed, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away.

A Boy untrussing a point by an Hedge side, his foot slipping, fell down, and beshit his breeches, Sirrah (said a merry Gentleman riding by) are you not ashamed to make a Fool of your breeches; alas Sir, (said the Boy) you make a worse of your Doublet to button up such a one in it.

SOme comforting a Fool lying on his Death-bed, told him that f••ur proper fellows should carry him to Church, I but (quoth he) I had rather by half go thither my self.

A Very Knave deridingly askt a ver∣tous Gentleman what was honesty, what is that to you (said he) meddle with those things which concern you.

A Conceited pragmatical Londonor travelling to Goatam, met a poor fellow coming from thence, thinking to shew his wit, said, well met wiseman of Goatam; how far to the place of thy Nativity? I cannot deny (said the poor fellow) but that my Country is a shame to me, but you proud Londone••s are a shame to your Country.

MY self, and another play'd at bowls in a Bowling-Ally in Bun∣hil fields against two notable Gamesters, Mr. Prick and Mr. Cunny, and were se∣verely beaten; my partner seeing the inequality of the Match, cryed out, Prick and Cunny have been long enough toge∣ther, 'tis time to part them; choosing a∣gain, they chanced to be together; a pox or this Prick and Cunny (quoth I) they can't be kept asunder.

A Lady lifting her coats a little too high, discovered her legs above the Calf; a Gentleman observing them, said, Madam, you have a verry hand∣some pair of Twins; you are mistaken Sir, (said she) for I have had own between them.

A Fat big bellyed Gentleman, whose Panch hung over the Pummel of his saddle, riding through a lewd Town, some cryed to him he was mistaken in carrying his Port mantle before him; to which he replyed, where should I place it safer, when I come amongst Thieves, Whores and Rogues.

ONe in a frosty morning going a shooting, desired the loan of some money from his friend, you have no need of money (said the other merrily) for if in any place you have anything to pay, you may leave your Gun to discharge the shot.

A Merry facetious Doctor being sent for to visit a Gentleman that was dangerously ill, and almost blind to boot, Sir, said his friend, how do you find him? Pish (quoth the Doctor) he, nor you need not doubt of his recovery, he is already well enough if he could-see it.

ONe askt another how he could take a kick of the Arse so patiently, Prithee (said he) because an Ass kickt me, must I kick the Ass again.

A Simple Bumpkin yet wealthy e∣nough, coming to London, was very much taken at the sight of a Sedan, and bargained with the Bearers to car∣ry him to such a place. The Sedan-men observing the curiosity of the Clown, not sutable to the meanness of his habit, unhasped privately the bottom of the Sedan, and then put him in, taking the Sedan up, the Country man stood on the ground with his legs, and as the Bearers advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way, then the rest, that they chose to go through. This man not knowing but others us'd to be so carried, or rather driven, coming to his lodging gave them their due hire, Returning into the Country, he rela∣ted what rare things he had seen in Lon∣don, and withal, that he had been car∣ried in a Sedan. A Sedan quoth one! what is that? Why it is (said he) like our Watch-house, onely it is covered with leather, and were it not for the name of a Sedan, one had as good go on foot.

A Gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot Custard; let a rowsing fart; to hide his shame with a jest, said he, I commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind for flying danger, for hadst thou staid, I had certainly Skalded thee to death.

A Tall Minister told a short one scoffingly, that he looked in a Pul∣pit, like a short Collar of Brawn in a d••ep dish; and you (replyed the other) look like a long Pestle in a shallow Mortar.

ONe Gentleman observing another take Tobacco excessively, called him a Foul Tobacco Pipe; the other readily told him he was a dinted Quart pot; the strangeness of the Metaphor striking in his mind, made him urgent to know the reason, because (said he) you seem to have more in you then you have.

IF I were unmarried said one, I should quickly marry again; marry then (quoth the other) you would still be in the same lock.

A Barber (not the wisest of his pro∣fession) having trimed a Doctor at night, had a candle put in his hand at the stair head to light him down; have∣ing so done, he brought it up again, and returning thanks, went a way in the dark.

A Tallow Chandler dying, one said, it was strange that he who made so many weeks, could make his days no longer.

A West country Lad, better Fed then taught, was sent by his Father with a groat to Loo, a small Town in Cornwell, to buy a Hake; upon his return, his Father met him with the Fish: how now Jack, what did the Hake-vish cost thee? guess Vather; why a groat Zon; a groat quoth he: chil tell thee Vather, take the Grey Mare and Zaddle'un and ride to Loo, and buy zuch a Hake-vish for a groat, chill give the leave to kiss my arse.

I See you do all under colour (said the Glazier to the Painter seeing him at work) go your ways for a Rogue, replyed he, you are alwayes picking quarrels.

THe same lump of ill manners sit∣ting by the fire side, was very ea∣ger with his Father to gape or yawn; which he refused; whereupon the in∣dulgent and discreet mother, cryed, Prythee yawnee, since the child will have thee yawnee, why then chill yawnee quoth he; the Son seeing that, cryed out, Mother, Mother, look yonder; is not that a vine Oven to bake a ••urd in?

A Farmer having placed his Son in the Temple to study the Law, came up to London to see how he did; com∣ing to his Chamber, he found in the Key-hole of the door, a note with these words, I am gone to the Devil, The poor man strangly startled, cryed out, ah my dear child, have I brought thee up so tenderly, took so much pains for thee, and at last should be so unhappy, as to cause thee to study that, which sent thee to the Devil so speedily.

ONe that had too great and good an opinion of himself, ••t his friend what others thought of him; why [re∣plyed he] you appear to the wise, foolish, to fools, wise, what do you think of your self?

ONe told a Gentlewoman, whorish and barren, that she was very Fruit∣full; how can that be Sir, [said she] since I never had any Children? That's nothing, Madam, [said he] nevertheless you bear many.

A Gentleman being a great distance from his own house, and having very urgent reasons for his speedy re∣turn, rid Post, having Supt, and being in Bed with his wife, he said, Dearest, ex∣cuse me to Night that I pay not that tribute due to our loves; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep: these words were none of the most plea∣sant you may think to a young sanguine Gentlewoman, after a long absence of a lusty, Husband. Not long after, walking in his back-yard with his wife in his hand, he chanced to see a Cock [he took great delight in] siting in the Sun a∣sleep, rejecting the society of his fruit∣ful Wives: prythee sweet heart [said he] what ails my Cock, that he thus hangs the head, and follows not the Hens? In∣deed I do not know husband [said she] un∣less he hath lately ridden post.

AN ignorant Country fellow, ha∣ving as he thought, bestowed some learning on his Son, would needs place him at the University and to see it done, goes with him; as they were sitting in the Kitchin, the youth espyed a long Kettle amongst the rest, Pray Father [says he] what is that Kettle for? Introth Son [said he] I never saw such a one in all my life before; but I suppose it is that when they would have two several broths, they put the Fish in one end, and the flesh in the other: the Boy hearing this, makes answer, O the Devil lye you Father.

IT being left to the choice of a Gen∣tlewoman, which she would have of two Suiters, a tall man, or a short one, which were both liked of her Parents; Pawsing a while, I would have [said she] that Lusty long man, if all things are pro∣portionable.

ONe said, a covetous man was never sa∣tisfied; why so [said his friend] Be∣cause [replyed he] he thinks nothing e∣nough. Why then [said the other] he is satisfied with the least, if nothing be enough for him.

A Notable merry Soldier finding a Louse one day on his sleeve, walk∣ing to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air, took him between his fingers, and said, Sirrah, take notice, if I ever catch you out of your Quarters again, you shall die, and so put him into his Coller.

A Captain in the last expedition a∣gainst the Hollander, having lost an eye by a splinter, the other ever af∣ter was distempered, and continually water'd; a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which was left, wept so much? Alas [said he] how should it do otherwise, having lately lost his only Brother and constant companion.

TWo men walking through a Church-yard, one of them affirm∣ed, that Hell was nothing else but a Grave, for Shoal in the Hebrew, signi∣fies the Grave, though it is translated Hell; the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst Wife, Pointing to her Grave, said, then one of the greatest Devils in Hell lies there.

ONe was jesting with his Maid∣servant, who was passably hand∣som, but very lean; saying, I wonder Jane thou art no fatter, thou dost eat thy meat heartily, but dost not thrive upon it; thy Mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost, and yet you see how plump she looks; to which she replyed I only eat at set meals, but my Mistress hath her strong broths before din∣ner, and her warm jellies after dinner, and puts more into her belly then you or I ever saw, or heard of.

A Rich Citizen had a profuse extra∣vagant to his Son, who so angered his Father, that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor; in a little time this Son, with Dice and Box, Whores and Pox, had spent all; where∣upon he told his Father, that he might now give all his estate to him, and not violate his vow, for he could not give it to one poorer then himself.

A Little Boy sitting with his Grand∣mother, by the fire side in the win∣ter time, as she lifted up her coats to

warm her thighs; he espyed somthing between her legs, and would fain know what it was; It is [said she] a Rabbet∣skin, that your Mother brought me from Mar∣ket; what, and have you burnt a hole in't Cranny? [says he?]

AN ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the Pulpit, instead of saying, the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for apeace offering, read he offered up a pair of Gloves with a piece of Fringe.

AT another time he took his Text [being much in dept,] Have pati∣ence with me, and I will pay you all; having largely and learnedly treated of the ver∣tue of patience, especially in forbearing our Deptors here; but of the rest [said he] when God shall enable me.

THe Reader being sick, he was for∣ced to officiate in his place, and resolving to give some of the Grandees a rub, who had offended him, he turned to that Psalm wherein are these words, Man without understanding is like the Beast that perisheth, instead thereof, reads man without understanding, is like the best of the Parish.

A Gentleman reprehended a Lawyer for tarrying so long in the Country from his wife, who had a fame so temp∣ting, saying, that in his absence she might want due benevolence. That's nothing said the Lawyer, I will give her use at my return for her forbearance: besides Sir, put the Case that any one owed you fifty pounds, whether would you have it altogether, or shilling by shilling? It is true [said the other] one would ra∣ther have ones money altogether; yet it would vex you, if in your absence your Wife should want a shilling, and she be forced to borrow it.

A Gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in Hunting; one day he came hastily into his friends cham∣ber, [being serious at his study] and askt him if he would go and find a Hare: Pish [said the other] let me alone, let them go and find Hairs that have lost them.

IN the Kingdom of Ireland a Noble∣man having an Irish man to his Foot∣man, sent him four or five miles on a

message, charging him to return by suh an hour, the Footman went in all haste; but in his return his Brogue wanted mending, which caused him not to return according to the time; his Master being angry, demanded the rea∣son of his tarrying; By my soul [quoth he] I did stay but while I had a heel-piece set upon my Toe.

A Country Woman sent her Daugh∣ter to a Lady with a Present of ripe Meddlers, Well-bred said that her Mother had sent her worship some ripe Meddlars, that were as soft as Bran, but if she did not eat them quickly, they would not be worth one fart, for they were already as rotten as a Turd, The Lady being offen∣ded at this Wenches rude behavior, re∣solved to tell her Mother, meeting her one day after, and having Thankt her for her Present; she advised to teach her Daughter more manners; Ah (re∣plyed she,) let me do what I will, I cannot mend her; and notwithstanding I have taught her from time to time, how she should behave her self, yet she hath no more manners then there is in mine A••se.

A Country Parson having bitterly inveyed against the Vices of his Parishioners in his Sermon; a silly Wo∣man that was present, went to his Mo∣ther that lived hard by to complain of him, saying, that her Son had threatned them all with Hell and Damnation, if they did not speedily amend; for my part I have lived above threescore years, and was never told so much before, neither will I be taught now by one, and I am old enough to be his Grandmother. O said his Mother he was a Lyer from his Cradle, I never whipt him but for telling an untruth, and you are mad if you believe him now.

AN ignorant prating Host had bar∣gained with a humerous Painter for the Sign of St. George and the Dra∣gon, whilst he was at work, his Host being Importunate with the Painter to draw St. George with a dreadful Killing countenance, repeating this request over and over again, which so madded the Painter, that leaving his work said, Mine Host, either be silent, and leave your babling, or the Devil take my wife, if I do not make the Dragon kill St. George.

A Welsh-man riding with a charge of mony behind him, was set upon by a Thief, who bade him deliver im∣mediately; or [drawing a Pistol] said, he would make it bounce through him; says her so, said the Welshman, why then her had better give her money, that is her Masters, and spare her Life, that is her own, and there upon delive∣red. Now pray Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good natured Thief, to satisfy the Curiosity of the Welshman, [whom he lookt on as a ve∣ry silly fellow] discharged his Pistol, which Ecchoed in many places, Cuds splutter nails [said the Welshman] it was a gallant Pounce, and there was many little pounces too; good her Ʋrship let her have one pounce more for her money, and her will be satisfied: So the Thief discharged the other; at which the Welshman seem'd better pleased then before, and askt if he had no more pounces; no said the Thief, I have no more. No [said the Welshman] then her has one pounce in store, which her will make pounce through her im∣mediately

if her deliver not her money back presently, and so forced the Thief to re∣deliver.

AN arch roguish fellow one day got together a parcel of Rams-Horns, and putting them in a Basket, went up and down London streets in the Month of March, crying, six pence a pound fair Cherrys, six pence a pound fair Cherrys; Many called to him; amongst the rest, a Hosier in Cheap-side, who see∣ing what ware he had in his Basket, laught at him, saying, Thou fool, who dost think will buy thy Horns? Oh Sir (said he) though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.

A Drunken young Heir, who had sold all his Lands to maintain his lusts, when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper, sent for a Phisici∣an, who understanding his Disease, cau∣sed him to be let blood; sometime af∣ter looking on the blood; Sir (said he) your blood is very green: alas replyed the young Heir, how can it be otherways, I have drank and eaten all my Corn-fields and Mea∣dows.

ONe Mr. Holland got his Landla∣dies maid with Child whose name was Nell Cotton; whereupon one wit∣tily said, That he gave her a yard of Hol∣land, she gave him an ell of Cotton, and what harm was there in all this.

A Poor Cripple being askt by a Gen∣tleman why he Married a Blind Woman, because [said he] we shall agree the better, for neither can hit each other in the teeth with one anothers infirmity.

A Rich farmer dying intestate, his Son came up to London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate; but being ignorant of the cus∣toms and terms belonging to the Spiri∣tual Courts, he went first to an ac∣quaintance of his, telling him, that his Father dyed detestate, leaving onely him, and three or four small infidels, and there∣fore he was devised to come up to London to a Councellour of the Law, that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate.

A Conceited Person after he had writ several verses in praise of his Mistress, beginning first with her head, and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet, missing no part but her Neck; O [said one] there is a great reason for that, he reserves the Neck-verse for himself; knowing ••e shall have occasion for it hereafter.

A Very simple fellow, walking in the fields alone, came to a ditch, and p••using a while; now Tom [said the] what dost think, canst leap over this ditch or no, troth [said he to himself] I can't tell, but if thou wilt Johnson [which was his Sur-name] I will lay the five shillings I do; a match, and presently takeing a good run, with the advantage of the banck, he leaped quite over. Ah! Boys [said he] I have wou, but now Johnson, wilt thon lay another, thou canst not leap back again? Faith that's very difficult; but hang it I have won a Crown, and I will venter it that I do; then taking a run as before, he leapt just in the middle, up to the waste in mire and water; and crawling out on the o∣ther side, Hang it [says he] I don't much care, I have neither won nor lost.

AN ignorant Clown, who had the reputation of being a great Scholar in the Country, because he could wright and read, would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of London: walking the streets, he read on a Sign-post, here are Horses to be let 1674. Jesu [quoth he] if there are so many horses in one Inn, how many are there then in all this City?

A Gentleman [who never had the least acquaintance with wounds] in a Tavern Skirmish received a small scratch with a sword, who instantly made a hideous noise for a Chyrurgeon: F. M. was sent for, who presently per∣ceiving the fright was greater then the hurt, pretended notwithstanding [for sports sake,] great danger, and therefore bid his man withall possible speed to run and fetch him such Salve, why [quoth the Gentleman] Is the wound so dangerous? Oyes, [answered this witty Chyrugeon] For if he returns not the sooner, the wound will heal of it self, and so I shall lose my fee.

A Petulant Doctor of Physick lay in a house, where there lived a Maid ignorant enough, but extreamly hand∣some, fresh out of the Country; this Doctor used all means immaginable to win her to a Venereal compliance, but nothing would prevail, neither fair words, nor large presents; resolving to accomplish his design some way or o∣ther, he thought of this Stratagem; looking one day very seriously (and seemingly sorrowful) in her counte∣nance, Alas poor Betty [said he] and must I now lose thee? What do you mean Sir, said she? I will tell thee, replyed the Doctor, before it go too far: thou art breeding of Eggs: How can that be quoth she, very easily said he, and thereupon so subtilly invaded her belief with I know not what stuff, neatly wrapt up in fine words, that she verily believed i••, and askt him how she must be cured; said the Doctor, come to my Chamber after dinner, and I will endeavour to cure thee; thanking him, she promised she would, and was as good as her word; the Doctor had somthing to do at first, to get her to lie down, saying,

that her Eggs must be broken, or she could not be cured; but at length she yielded, and with his natural Probe he searcht her grief three or four times; having so done, he told her, that though he had broken some, yet there were more to break, and therefore bid her come again to morrow; which she did, and so he did as before; she now liked the manner of her cure so well, that she came of her own accord, till the Doctor growing weary, told her that her Eggs were now all broken; not so Mr. Do∣ctor, I am sure said she, for there are at least two or three to break still; well says the Doctor, I'••e break them, and it is a Cure: having so done, she went a way well satisfied; a little while after her Mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place, askt her what was the matter; indeed Mistress said she I know not, unless I am breeding of more Eggs; what do'st mean, quoth her Mistress? why forsooth (said she) a little while a goe I was with Egg, and certainly I had dyed, if our good Doctor had not cured me, by breaking of them; hey day, sure the Wench is mad, quoth her Mistress: no but I am not said the Maid, for I am sure on't for when he broke the Eggs, I saw the whites.

A Country man having never seen a Ship, came to the Custome-house∣key; where seeing so many wonders, he chanced to ask a Dutchman what that was called, pointing to a great Ship; ich queet neet; and what do you call that, said he pointing to a less: ich queet neet, said he again (that is, I understand not) hey day (said the Country fellow) are there great Queet neets, and little Queet neets too? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship; he askt how old it was? It is two years old said one, How (said the fellow) and so bigg already? Lord what a huge Masty thing it will be by that time it is as old as I am.

A Gentleman that lived in Ireland was askt by another that had ne∣ver seen the Country, what kind of wo∣men there were in Ireland, Sir, said he, the Women are generally straight, clear skinned, and well proportioned, but that their middles are a little to bigg, for want of Swathing when young; I; said the other, and I have heard that their leggs are monstrously bigg too, Pish, said he, we lay them aside.

A Conceited pragmatical, coming into a mixt company, talked incessantly; and to show his wit and learning, sing∣led out one whose countenance promi∣sed little, yet an excellent Scholar, and askt him many frivolous questions, which he answered very slightingly, or replyed to them nor at all, this Prag∣matico grew to that impertinence as to ask him, whether he had ever learned his Grammer? yes, said he, I have read Despauters; to try you said the other, his second Rule is this, Esto faeminium recepit qu•• faemina tantum. Now said he, Mater, cujus generis, (Mother, what Gen∣der is it) to which the other replyed, Mater si mea sit est faeminini generis, si tua est communis; Mother, if mine is the fe∣minine, if thine the common.

ONe seeing on a Coffee sign written, here is Coffee and Mum to be sold, said it was good Ryme; how can that be said the other? why thus said he,

Here is Coffee And Mum to be SOLD.

A Young Gentleman being much addicted to play, was sharply re∣buked for it by his relations, and that availing little, a Minister was sent to him, who told him, that Play, or Game∣ing was the worst of vices; nay, there you are out, said the other, for it is a remedy against all vices; and particu∣larly against the Seven deadly Sins; for how can you call him a covetous man, that can't indure to keep his money in his pocket? or how can you call him a luxurious, who is content to lose his sleep and victuals, if he had an oportu∣nity to play? how can you call him cho∣lerick, when he is the patientest man living when not out-hectored? how can you call him a Glutton or Drun∣kard? when he shall not spair that mo∣ney from play, that will purchase a good dinner with a bottle of wine? how can he be said to be slothful and negli∣gent, when his hands and feet are alwayes inaction? the one beating the hoof through the whole Town, to get employment for the other; Lastly, how can he be said to be a proud man, when having lost five pound among Gentle∣men,

he will condescend to play for brass farthings with Apprentices.

A Gentleman possessed with an ex∣traordinary good nature, lent a∣nother forty shillings for his good com∣pany's sake, never expecting a return, knowing his inability. After the loan of this money, this Ingrateshun'd the society of his Creditor; and if he saw him in the streets, straight hastned ano∣ther way; which this Gentleman took notice of, one time seeing him, he made after him; and catching him by the arm, said; Why shun you me, was I not your friend, wherein have I disobliged you, that I should not be so still; if the dept hath made any difference, I forgive it you, and assure your self I will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come.

ONe reading a Witty Preface before a foolish book, said, he very much admired, they should come to be so matched together, In troth Sir [said an∣other] they may be very well matched to∣gether, for they are nothing of kin.

A Very honest and prudent Gentle∣man had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light; one day return∣ing home, he went up the stairs, and found his Chamber door open, entring, he caught his Wife and the Adulterer (who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else) in the very act; the Gentleman seemingly unmov'd, said, Wife, Wife, Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my re∣putation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness: Sure in a business, that so nearly concerns us both, you might have shut the door; I pray consider, what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture; and so went and left them; the mild∣ness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman, that she e∣ver after abhorred the thought of en∣joying any other man but her hus∣band.

MR. Field, that was but an under∣graduate; meeting Doctor Col∣lins, Saluted him thus, Salve colendissime Collins, to which he replyed, Salve Ager tolende.

A Captain (whom I shall forbear to name) in the last engagment a∣gainst the Duch, had his Arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder; as he was dressing, he fell a laughing; one standing by, askt him the reason, why (said he) I can't but think of a wish that I have often made, viz. that my P— were as long as my arm, and now introth so it is.

A Frenchman that spoke very broken English, bespoke a dish of Fish, being on the Table & seeing but little Pepper, by the corruption of his pronunciati∣on, he called for more Piss instead of Spice, the woman took away the dish, and did as she thought he bid her, and brought it in again; I say, said he, a little more Piss, with that she carried it out and her daughter pist upon it, and then brought it in; but he still cryed a little more Piss; well Sir, said she, I will warrant you shal have enough now, and then carried it to her Maid, a strap∣ing Girle, but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied, and cryed out for more Piss, Well Sir, let me tell you, I, my Daughter, and Maid-servant have all pist as much as we can

upon it, and if that will not satisfy you, even piss upon it your self.

A Notable Joking man lying sick on his death bed, left out his Wife in his Will, her friends hearing thereof, came and prest him to leave his wife somewhat more then the cus∣tom of the City will allow her; I will said the Sick man, send presently for a Scrivener, for I am just upon departing; the Scrivener being come, he said, write, I leave my wife ah, ah, ah; oh he is dying said his wife apace; I do (said the sick) I say, I leave my wife, alas, alas, alas, come pray Sir said the Scrivener, what do you leave your wife; Why then, I say, I leave my wife the greatest C in Christendom.

TWo Comedians acting upon the Stage the parts of Servingmen; one askt the other to go drink, whither shall we go said one; the other reply∣ed (espying a fellow groping a Wench in the Gallery) let us go to the Hand in Placket; thereupon the fellow sneakt away his hand; which the other perceiving, cryed out; ••ay friend, if you remove the sign, we shall hardly find the house.

A Person not belonging to the Col∣ledge, put in his horse in a Field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the Master of that Colledge sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his Tail: say you so said this Person? go tell your Master, if he cuts off my horses Tail, I will cut off his ears; the Servant returning, told his Master what he said, whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, said the Master, how now Sir, what mean you by that menace you sent me? Sir; (said the other) I threatned you not, for I only said, if you did cut off my horses tail, I would cut off his ears, not yours Sir, but my horses.

ONe having got the drunken Hic∣cock by drinking Aqua Celestis, Rosa Solis, Aqua Angelica, and the like, this it is [says he] to be too forward in under∣standing such latine as these waters are call'd by, that a man must afterwards be put to declin Nouns with the Articles hic, hoc, when he hath not English enough to bring himself to bed.

ONe seeing a Scholar that lookt very much asquint, Sure (said he) this man must be more learned then his fellows, for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once.

ONe that had a very great head like a Great thick rin'd Orange, but no juice within it, was reprehended for speaking 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Well (said he) it is not for want of ••gnorance that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 se••k nonsence.

A Son of a whore, and a Son for a whore, was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was, calling the rest Cuckoldly Bastards, I am sure (said he) I am no son of a Cuckold, for my Father was never married.

A Monkey being tyed on a Mastiffs back, the Dog run away, which an old woman seeing, cryed out, Well rid I protest young Gentleman.

A Young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife, I'le tell you [quoth he] let me see her coun∣ten••nee.

A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune Sir, (said he) let me stand be∣bind your back and I will play you a Tune never played before.

ONe looking on a Picture, said, this must needs be an excellent Art, who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered.

A Woman lying sick to death, desi∣red her husbands leave to make her will; That needs not [said he,] you have had your will all your life time, and would you have your will when you are dead too.

ONe was wont to say, that in Europe there were neither Scholars enough Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough; one time it was answered him, that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity; whereupon he replyed, If there were Scholars enough, so many would not be double or trebble beneficed; if Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants would not be rekoned among the Gentry; and if Jews enough, so many Christians would not profess Ʋsury.

ONe askt another what he would give for his Sow and Pigs; nothing [quoth he] For the Sow, and less for the Pigs; if you will take that, bring 'um in.

GEo. Withers having writ a Poem, in which he predicted the continuance of a free State, and called it, the Per∣petual Parliament; a little after the Par∣liament was dissolved, and a Gentleman meeting the said Mr. Withers, told him he was a pitiful Prophet, and a pitiful Poet, otherwise he had not wrote such pitiful pre∣dictions, for a pitiful Parliament.

HƲgh Peters meeting Col. Hewson, merrily said to him, how now son, where's your blessing? Hewson not well conceiving what he said, askt what he meant, why (quoth Hugh) I mean to teach you your duty; know you not who I am, I am Hugh, and as I take it, you are Hughs son.

ONe being askt when was the best time to take a journy? The other replyed, when you have a good horse, mony good store in your purse, and good company.

A Country fellow seeing a man standing in the Pillory for forge∣ry, with his fact legibly written before him, with hundreds about him; the Clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there? One askt him, whether he could read? Not I in faith, I can neither read, nor write, said he; then you are a Dunce said the other, not to read at those years: now since you are so igno∣rant, I'le tell you why that fellow stands in the Pillory, it is for counter∣fe••ing mens hands to which the Coun∣try fellow replyed; a Plague on you for a company of proud Knaves; you had need to brag so much of your learning, you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to.

ONe askt another what a fine gawdy Whore was like; the other, who much delighted in Similes, said, she was like a Squirel; the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison, askt him how he made that out, It is plain (said the other) for she covers her whole body with her tail.

A Citizen askt a Painter what excel∣lent peices he had drawn of late; only one estimable, which is the picture of Acte on turned into a hart, and hunted by his Hounds, so lively protrayed, that every one who saw it, said, It was a Ci∣tizen pursued by Serjeants.

AN Apothecary was drank to by one in the company, who said, Bro∣ther, here's to you; the proud Apothe∣cary askt him upon what account he called him Brother? quoth the other, We are Brothren by Trade; for I understand you are an Apothecary, and I am a Slop∣seller.

A Gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time, was salut∣ed with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese, which looked as thin and as crooked as the Moon in her last quarter; the Gentle man encouraged his friend to eat, by saying it was sent him as a pre∣sent from an accomplisht Lady at Wind∣sor; I thought it came from Windsor said the other when I saw it so near Eaton.

ONe said he Sung as well as most men in Europe, and thus he proved it, the most in Europe doe not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe.

ONe of the Rump-Parliament com∣plained of the great quantity of Rain that fell, What unreasonable men you Parliament are (said a stander by) you would neither have God Rain, nor the King.

ONe askt another which was the best way to run from a Bayliff, In troth (said he) I think the best way is to run him through.

TWo Barbers meeting in Easter∣week, the one askt the other if he had a good Eve on't, In troth, said the other, I think it was the worst Eve that ever came since Adam.

A Flat nosed Fellow (who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a Covent-Garden distemper) going to Old∣street, snuffling, askt one which was the way to Rotten-row? the other replyed, follow your nose.

ONe being invited with his Wife and Daughter to dinner on a Sabbath day, brought along with him two little Dogs, coming to the house, he thus saluted the Invitor with this comple∣ment, Sir, do you want any bold guests? I have brought my whole family with me, my self and two Bitches, my Wife and Daugh∣ter.

A Very merry and quibbling Lady cutting up a Pigg at dinner, askt a Gentleman whom she had often out∣witted, whether he loved Pigg, and whether she should help him to some? I thank you Madam (said he) I love nothing that comes from a Sow.

AN old griping Citizen dying, left a fair Revenue to his Son, who as profusely spent it, as his Fa∣ther had carefully raked it together: one day growing angry with his Coach∣man for driving no faster, called to him, saying, drive faster, or I'le come out and kick you to the Devil; Sir, said the Coachman, I protest if you do, I'le there tell your Father, how extravagantly you now spend that Estate he left you.

A Gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely Woman, she dying, he Married one that was ill fea∣tured, and worse formed, being ex∣tre••mly crooked; a friend of his tak∣ing notice of his extravagant choice, reproved him, saying, I wonder Sir where your eyes were when you made this choice; alas, said the other, it was not so much a choice of mine, as a gift, a bended token sent me by providence: said the other, I am sorry for it, I am sure your former wife was a brave no∣ble woman; it is true said the other, and now you may see how time makes waste, I have brought that Noble to Nine∣pence.

TErm being ended, three Country Attorneys travelling homewards, overtook a Carter; being on the merry pin, they fell a jeering him, asking him how his fore horse became so fat, and the rest so lean? The Carter (knowing them to be Attorneys) replyed, my fore-horse is a Lawyer, and the rest are his Clients.

A Youth standing by whilst his Father was at play, observing him to loose a great deal of money, burst out into tears, his Father askt him the reason why he wept: O Sir, I have read that Alexander the great wept when ••e heard his Father Philip had conquered a great many Towns, Citys, and Countryes, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; but I wept the contrary way, fearing, if you continue this course, you will leave me no∣thing to lose.

A Gentleman carryed his friend down into the Cellar to give him the Civility thereof; his friend ob∣serving there was no seat there for him to sit on, askt what was his reason for so doing? Because, said he, I will have no man that comes hither, drink longer then he can stand.

THe question being askt, which were the greatest wonders in the world; it was answered, Womens and Law∣yers tongues, because they did alwayes lye, yet never lye still.

A Fellow and a Wench taken one evening suspitiously in a Pownd together, were by the Constable com∣mitted, and the next morning brought before a Justice; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence, the Justice called the Wench aside, and pro∣mised her faithfully, if she would con∣fess the fact as guilty, she should go unpunished for that time. By his sub∣tle insinuation she confessed the truth, whereupon the Justice commended her, and sent the fellow to Prison: at length as she was taking her leave (thinking her self at liberty) the Justice called her back, and askt her what the fellow had given her for her consent, she told him (if it pleased his worship) he had given her half a crown. Truly Woman, said the Justice, that doth not please my Worship; For though for thy fornica∣tion I have acquitted thee, yet for thy ex∣tortion I must of force commit thee, for tak∣ing half a crown in the Pownd: and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company.

ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen that he was promised by them a Lease of the next house that fell; to whom another replyed, Had it been my case, I should have petitioned ra∣ther for a house that stood.

ONe said, if he was to choose his Prison, it should be Ludgate, be∣cause none came thither but they had their freedom.

THere are three sorts of Cuckholds, Solifidians and Nullifidians, the first is one and none, and he wears Asses ears, and hath this Motto at his Coat,

Crede quod habes, & habes.

The second is none and one, he hath Goats horns for his Coat, with this Motto,

Non videmus id mantic••e quod in tergo est.

The third is one and one, and bears Rams horns, with this Motto,

Non nobis solem nati sumus.

A Gentleman not long since coming by a Goldsmiths shop, saw therein a delicate lovely Woman, whom (as she was) he supposed to be the Mistress of the house, and that he might delight his eyes, with a less suspected freedome, he went into the shop, and desired to see some Jewels, Rings, Lockets, &c. but having satisfied his fancy for the present, by inspecting that charming heart in flaming countenance, he bought onely a trifle, and went his way, but with a resolution to return. Several times he came to the shop after this manner, so that at length he became indifferently acquainted with the man and his wife. Having thus got into their acquaintance, he one day came to the Good Man, and showing him a very rich Jewel, he desired the loan of fifty pound thereon for a Month, it was granted him, in some little time after, he watcht his opportunity when the old Gentleman was abroad, and went to the house, where he spared neither for cost nor courtship to win this Gentlewoman to a compliance to his desires, having well warm'd her with wine he attempted the violation of her cha∣stity,

by all the subtle stratagems and weils a young Italian can invent in the prosecution of his first Amours; but seeing none of these would take, he offered her the fifty pound he had re∣ceiv'd of her Husband, saying, that he would freely give it her for one single Amorous encounter, which proffer, like Joves Golden shower on Danae, wrought its desired effect. Having consummated what he so passionately desired in cool blood, he began to consider what a rash act he had done; the Gentlewoman on the other side, having got so rich a Booty, with a deal of pleasure to boot, fearing least this serious consultation with him∣self, might produce some mischief, she hastened him to be gone, fear∣ing least her Husband should come, who might by seeing him there, justly suspect some foul Play in his absence. No, no, said the Gentleman, (having studied a cunning Plot) let him come, I have bethought my self of a way that shall prevent all suspition in him, he had no sooner said the words, but the Husband came up the stairs, at his approach this Gentleman stept to him, saying, Sir, I thank you for your late

kindness in lending me that fifty pound; I have received moneys soon∣er than I expected it, wherefore I have brought it you, and paid it to your Wife, therefore Sir, pray let me have my Jewel; The Goldsmith askt his Wife if it were so, she seeing it was but a folly to deny it, (she having then the mony about her) said she had received such a Sum of the Gentleman, hereupon the Jewel was delivered, but who by the loan and use of the mony was the Gaine••, I will leave it to any one to judge.

A Rich Citizen of London, in his Will, left something considerable to Christ-Church Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons, at the Funeral the Blew-coat-boys were ordered (in acknowledgment of so great a gift) to Sing before the Corps to the Grave; as they marcht through Cheap-side, this extravagant Son led his Mother, who observing the Boys make a rest, he opened his pipes in that manner, that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other, and still leading his Mo∣ther,

he continued thus Singing, till a Kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, askt him his reason for his irreverent and undecent carriage, why Goodman Couzen (quoth this ne're be good) the Boys there at my Fathers Death sing for something, and wont you let me sing for nothing.

ONe seeing one Summer a great Drinker walking in the beginning of the Spring, said, One Swallow doth not make a Summer: But I know (quoth the other) one Summer makes a great many Swallows.

WHen the City of London was in a manner Rebuilt, a Countrey∣man came up to see a Friend that had been burnt out, who amongst other discourse, made a grievous complaint of his own particular loss, and after that, he insisted on the loss of a City so brave and glorious; As to your own loss, (said the Countryman) I am sorry for it, but as to the loss of your City, I know not what to say, for who would be grieved at having a fine new Suit instead of an old one.

A Gentleman of the Temple was in∣formed that his Father was dead in the Country, which News troubled him very much, not knowing how he had left his Estate, a friend of his see∣ing him in this sad condition, bid him clear up, saying, If your Father hath left you a good Estate, you have but small cause to grieve; and if he hath left you nothing, who would grieve for such a Father.

TWo discoursing immediately after the Fire, about the enlarging of the Streets upon the Rebuilding the City, he that had much ground said, that it was not requisite the Streets should be enlarged, fearing he should be a loser thereby, Pish (said the other) to what purpose was the City Burnt, but that the Streets might be made larger.

ONe speaking of the Fire, said, Ca∣non-street Roar'd, Milk-street was burnt too, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Bread-street was burnt to a Coal, Pudding-Lane and Pye-Corner were over-Baked, and Snow-hill was melted down.

ONe who had a damnable Scold to his Wife, being continually pla∣gued with the clack of her Tongue, wished one day in her hearing, that she was in Heaven; she knowing by that saying, that he was desirous to be rid of her; in a great rage she told him, That she had rather see him hang'd first.

MR. Sm— a Constable, carrying a Big-belly'd Wench before a Ju∣stice, said very seriously, An't please your Worship, I have brought here before you a Maid with Child; the Wench there∣upon call'd him Knave and Fool, being reprooved by the Justice, she answered thus, Sir, this Constable must needs be one of the two, for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I am with Child; and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for so saying.

A School-Boy being to Construe that in Terence, Ventum erat ad Vestae, rendred it thus, Ventum the wind erat was Veste in the West, at which the School-master laughing, said, it was then high time to hoist up Sail, and so untrust the Boy, and trimm'd his Pin∣nace.

A Young New-Married Woman in the heat of Blood, about the lat∣ter end of July, after Dinner, desired her Husband to go up Stairs and play with her, he knowing her meaning, and being unprepared for such pastime, excused himself, saying, that the Dog∣days were very unwholesome for such Recreations; At Night being in Bed with him, she desired him to lie closer, for though (said she) there be Dog∣days, yet I never heard of Dog-nights.

A Smock-fac'd young Vintner that was hardly Twenty, came before the Chamberlain of London to be made Free, who seeing him so young, scrup∣led at it, asking what age he was, I am Sir (said he) four and Twenty; that's strange (said the Chamberlain) I have seen a Face of eighteen look more Elder, 'tis likely so Sir (said he very discreetly) he that made him look so old, though so young, is able you see, to make me look so young, though so old, as I have told your Worship.

A Parrot belonging to a Person of quality, whose goodly Gar∣den lay contiguous to the Thames, had learnt from the quarrelling of the Foot-boys at Play in the Hall where the Cage Hung, this frequent Oath a∣mongst them, Zouns, what do ye mean; The Parrot being not well, was order∣ed to be discaged, and carried into the Garden, where getting into a Tree, he was not at quiet (laughing as he cli∣med) till he had got to the very top, as he stood perching and rejoycing, a Kite soaring aloft, espied him, won∣dering of what Country he should be by the strangeness of his Habit, flew round and round for the advantage of a View, at length supposing him some forreign Spie, sent to betray the English Commonwealth of Birds, he came di∣rectly down and seized him in his poun∣ces, and without further delay, fell a taring his Green jerkin off his back; the Parrot suspecting not any danger, and being unaccustomed to such rude and uncivil dealing, cryed out, Zouns, what d'ye mean? Zouns, what d'ye mean? repeating the words often with a Tone

unusual; some Servants took the A∣larme, and with stones, chasing away the Kite, the Parrot sh••fted for his safe∣ty, by coming down immediately, by which means was preserved.

A Country Curate coming to Oxford to take his Degree of Master of Arts, was askt by the Head of the house (whereof this Parson was a small Mem∣ber) how he durst, being so green, to enter himself into the Ministry, the Curate answered, Because the Lord hath need of me, the other replyed, I never heard the Lord had need of any thing but an Ass.

A Young Deacon being to be made Minister, the Bishop in his exa∣mination put him to construe that verse of Seneca the Tragaedian,

Cure leves Loquuntur, ingentes stupeat.

He did it thus; Cura leves little Curages, Loquuntur do preach, ingentes great Bi∣shops, stupeat do hold their peace.

A Gentleman complain'd to his friend, and said the City was the most insufferable place to live in in the world, and his reason was, because he was accustomed to rise very early, at which time he could find never a fellow to be drunk with, but I'le reme∣die that, said he, (that being his word) by going to Sea, where I shall find at all hours those with whom I was drunk over night, and was as good as his word; returning from Sea, he met with a Wench, whom he carried to his Chamber, and lay with her all night, in the Morning this impudent Prosti∣tute demanded her reward for quiffing; how, how, Huzzie, said he, profit and pleasure too, that is too much at one time; this would not satisfie her, but she told him plainly, if he did not give her something, she would make a di∣sturbance in the house, though she was sent to Bridewell for her pains; say you so (said he) I'le remedy that; you are mistaken in me, wherefore get you gone, I am no incourager of Leachery, and I scorne Vice should receive a re∣ward from me.

A Young Gentleman (lately) of the Temple, having more Wit than Mony, and minding not his Chamber, Study, nor Commons, was indebted to the House, and it was ordered there∣upon, that his Chamber should be seiz∣ed; he hearing thereof, cry'd, I'le re∣medy that I am resolv'd, and so pre∣sently went and took his Chamber∣door off the Hinges, and lockt it up in his Closet; the Officers coming to fix a Padlock thereon, found themselves disappointed, and searching the Room, found not any thing worth the seizure.

IN Magdalene Colledg in Oxford, it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every Schollers door, that is of the Foundation, knocking loudly, and crying, Pars a quinta (which signifies a quarter after five a Clock) and warns them all to prayers, one hearing this related, said, doth he knock at every door? yes said the other; then replies the other, he had need to rise at three of the clock to cry Pars a quinta.

A School-master asked one of his Schollers in the Winter time what was Latin for Cold; O Sir, an∣swered the Lad, I have that at my fingers ends.

A Scholler hearing a Begging Sol∣dier complain that his stones were cut out at the Isle of Rea, thus be∣moan'd him;

Ille dolet vere, qui sine teste dolet.

A Traveller coming into a Tavern, and calling for Grecian Wine, the woman brought him some of her own Wine, he tasting it, and perceiv∣ing her guile, said, he would have none of that wine, for it tasted of the Cask.

A Gentleman being at the Table, where was a very sat wild Duck, he said he thought The Duck was Cramb∣ed; at which the rest laughing, asked him who should Cramb it? he an∣swear'd them, The man in the Moon.