The experiences of God's gracious dealing with Mrs. Elizabeth White, late wife of Mr. Thomas White of Coldecot in the county of Bucks. / As they were written under her own hand, and found in her closet after her decease, she dying in child-bed, Decemb. 5. 1669.

The Experiences of Gods Gracious dealing with Mrs. Elizabeth White.

FRom my Child-hood the Lord hath inclined my heart to seek after the best things, and my Fathers chiefest care was, to bring me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: my nature being some∣what more mild than the rest of my Sisters, I was ready to think my self some body, and with the proud Pharisee, to thank God that I was not as others, not considering that I was but like a Wolf chained up, which keeps its nature still, as I by the goodness of God have seen, since the Lord was pleased to lay his eye∣salve upon me. I was a great lover of Histories, and other foolish Books, and did often spend my sleeping-time in reading of them, and some∣times I should think I did not do well in so doing, but I was so bewitched by them, that I could not forbear; & hearing of a friend of mine, which was esteemed a very holy woman, that did delight in Histories, I then concluded it was no sin, and gave my self wholly then to this kind of folly, when I had any spare time, for two or three years. I had sometimes slight thoughts of Repentance, but was loth to set about it, and so I should put the Lord off from time to time with delays, thinking still I should find a fitter time then the present. I remember

about a month before I was married, my Father would have me receive the Sacrament of th•• Lords Supper, and I was very willing to it until I considered what was requsite to be in those which did partake thereof, and then I began to doubt that I had not those things whic•• were requisite wrought in me, as Knowledge, Faith, Love, Repentance, &c. and then this Scripture came into my mind, He that doubt∣eth is damned if he eat, for whatsoever is not of faith is sin: when I had considered those things I was filled with sorrow, and could not tell what to do, I was loth to disobey my Father, and more loth to eat and drink my own dam∣nation; in this perplexity I set my self to seek the Lord for his grace, being at that time somewhat sensible of the want of it; when I had thus done, I began to be comforted, verily thinking, that now I had repented, and could believe in Christ Iesus: and having some notional knowledge of things, I was indiffe••∣ently well satisfied, thinking that when I wa•• married, I should have more leisure to serv•• God; and then going to the Minister of th•• Par••sh, to be examined before I was admitted and finding my self able to answer him, •• thought all was well with me then, and so un¦worthy I went to the Lords Table, not quest••¦oning but that I was in as good a condition a•• any of the rest which did receive. But blesse•• for ever be the Lord which broke my false con¦fidence, and swept away my refuge of Lyes

which I then trusted in, and shewed me my sad condition I was in by nature and practise, more clearly than ever before; and this was about a quarter of a year after I was married, in the year, 1657. the Minister being upon this subject, Prov. 1.23. Turn ye at my reproof, &c. being upon the use of trial, whether indeed we had turned to God or no? he bid us examine our selves by some marks which he then gave, and it was at this time that God did begin to mani∣fest his love to me, as I trust, in my effectual vocation; here the Lord was pleased to open my heart, as he did the heart of Lydia, so that I attended to the things that were spoken, so that I perceived my heart was not right in the sight of God, and that my hope was but like that of the Hypocrite which perisheth; when I came home I besought the Lord to turn me if I were not yet turned to him, but yet I had not that thorow sense of sin, as I had afterwards: About three weeks after, the Minister coming to our house, my Husband and I was speak∣ing that we would desire him to pray with us in our Chamber, but that time he could not stay, the next day he came and asked for me, telling me that my Husband told him that I would speak with him. O how was I surprized▪ I could not tell what to say upon the sudden, I was so hurried in my thoughts. O how loth was I to acquaint him with my sad state •• I was ashamed to tell him that I was yet a strang∣er to God and all goodness, till it was forced

from me, which when he heard he did not go about to comfort me, but he asked me if ever I was convicted before? and I told him yes; and he repeated the first vers. of the 29. Chap. of the Proverbs, He that being often reproved, hardeneth his neck, shal suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy: when I heard this I was wonderfully troubled; then there came many sins to my remembrance, which I had taken no notice of before, counting them small sins; now the time which was spent in reading Histories I remembred with bitter grief, and I thought that there was no mercy for me, but he perswaded me there was hope of mercy for such as I, and that the Lord waited to be graci∣ous to poore sinners, and then I was a little satisfied for the present; but then I was trou∣bled with blasphemous thoughts, which were very grievous to me, I thought I had a heart worse than the Devil, and wondered that I was not consumed in some strange manner; when I have seen a Spider, which of all things is most loathsome to me, I have been ready to wish my self such a one, esteeming of it to be in a far happier condition than I was; I was afraid to be in the dark lest I should met the devil; I doubted whether I was elected, I had read, that I was not of him that willeth, nor him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy: Then I thought if I were not elected, it was to no purpose to strive, for what God hath decreed must be, but yet I was unwilling

to perish, I could not be so satisfied, although I had but little hope to obtain mercy, yet I could not but ask it, I was also very frequent in hearing the Word preached and read, not daring to let slip an opportunity, but not with∣out many tears, lest it should increase my con∣demnation: in this condition I remained a great while, but not without some secret sup∣ports from the Lord, sometimes by a word cast in upon my spirit, sometimes I was refreshed I could not tell how, but I should be ready to think this was a delusion; I remember the Scriptures were these, Isa. 50.10. Who is among you that feareth the Lord that obeys the voice of his Servant, that walks in darkness, and hath no light, let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God. Iohn 15.16. Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you and ordained you that ye should go and bring forth much fruit, and that your fruit should remain, &c. Lam. 3.25. The Lord is good unto the soul that waits for him, and to them that seek him; It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the Salvation of the Lord, &c. These words did support me very much, therefore, I write them out and laid them in my Closet, that they might still be in my eye, that I might when I looked upon them be in∣couraged to hope in and wait upon the Lord; but these comforts were but transient, but yet whiles they lasted they were very sweet supports, but when gone I fell to doubting, thinking all

was delusions, and thus I dishonoured God 〈◊〉〈◊〉 my unbelief; I doubted much of my sincerity often saying I was an hypocrite, but if at an•• time I was asked in what I was one, I could not tell; but had this Scripture very often in my mind, There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof is death: And so I thought I was but seemingly right, and therefore must needs perish: and in this condi∣tion I continued a long time, but I heard that a hypocrite seldome or never doubted his condi∣tion▪ and that it was a sign of sincerity, to desire a sincere heart; and this I durst not deny, knowing that I did desire it rather than the whole world.

Thus being better satisfied, I resolved to se•• about my duty, but all this while I did not see such a high price upon the Lord Iesus as I should, but still I thought that I must do some¦thing to merit salvation, not daring to venture my soul with all its concernments upon Christ, therefore I should tye my self to pray six times a day, and then I should be satisfied, and thin•• all was well with me then: but if I at any tim•• failed of my number, then I was dis-satisfied and so in other duties; so that my comforts did not flow from the blood and righteousness of Iesus, but from my own duties; but blessed be the Lord, who likewise shook this foundation, even because he had a favour to me: for being in discourse with a friend, he desired me to read Shephards sincere Convert; which I did; and

here did I see as in a glass my folly, for there were signs given whereby I might try my self, whether I did rest in duties. One I remember was this, If I never saw I rested in Duties, then it was a sure sign that I then did; another was this, If I prized the bare performance of duties so, as to think when I had prayed with some life, that I had done very well; and again, If I saw but little of my vile heart by Duties, then it was a sign I rested in them, and that I was yet in the way to Hell, though in the clean∣liest way, and should certainly perish if I rested here. Now this I plainly saw was my condi∣tion, but how to get out of it I knew not, for now I was in a worse condition than at the beginning, finding it abundantly more hard to deny righteous self than sinful self: I thought it wonderful strange, that I must be saved by the righteousness of another, if ever I were saved; O this my proud heart was unwilling to yeeld to, and yet I was very desirous of sal∣vation: But when the Lord had led me into my own heart, and shewed me the vileness of that more, and that if the Lord should leave me to my self, I should commit all kind of sin, and that with greedines, such was the vileness of my nature, and that if it were possible I should now live holily, yet I could not satisfie the justice of God for what was past, therefore I resolved to cast my self upon Christ Iesus that sure foun∣dation, which God had laid and not man, and if I perished, to perish here, but much oppositi∣on

did I meet with from Satan and my own heart, before I could really do it, I could seal to the truth of that scripture, Eph. 1.19. That God did put forth his mighty power, when a soul was made to believe: but yet I was not at quiet, but had many fears and doubts that all was false, because I had been so often decei∣ved, and now I began to ••ee mine own vileness more than ever and ••ound my heart ran out to the Lord Iesus in love, but doubted very much of his love to me, yet sometimes I should have some perswasions of my interest in Christ, and that his love was towards me; and whilst this perswasion lasted I should be very comfortable & be ready to think I should never be moved, as David did: but when God hid his face, I was troubled and fell to doubting all again, not having learned that heavenly skill of living by Faith, but yet I did not wholly cast off my confidence, but had some pin hole of hope in the worst condition. I remember the consideration of this scripture, Iohn 3.8. He that is born of God doth not commit sin, filled me with many fears knowing how apt I was to commit sin, notwithstanding my striving against it: but a little while after I was satisfied, understand∣ing the place better, that it was not meant of sins of infirmity, but of making sins ones trade, &c. and this was I confident I did not, but rather trembled at the thoughts of it; but when this was over, Satan and my own unbelieving heart will still be presenting something whereby

to occasion doubts, so that for the space of one year and a half, I had scarcely any settled peace, now and then a good word thrown in which would revive me for the present, but the comfort would be soon gone, as Ezek. 36.26. A new heart will I give, and a new spirit will I put in you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh, and will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, &c. This Promise I should often plead with God very sensibly and with much confidence: another was Iohn 11.25. I am the resurrection and the life, he that believeth on me, though he were dead yet should he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. This I remember was very sweet to me; once when I was in great fear lest my heart should grow dead, and when I was with Child I was much dejected, having a sence of my approaching danger, and wanting an assurance of my ever∣lasting happiness; but whilst I was considering of these things, I had this Scripture set home with abundance of sweetness, Psalm. 50.15. Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorifie me, and in the time of my extremity this word was set home upon my heart again, and my good God made me to experience the truth of it in a won∣derful manner, for I had speedy deliverance beyond my expectation, which filled my heart and mouth with praises to the Lord; about

three days after a friend coming to visit me, I related to her how good the Lord had been unto me, and how sweetly my heart was established, but no sooner was my friend gone, but I was tempted to think my faith was false, but I labored what I could to encourage my self in the Lord my God.

But as I lay in my bed, I thought I saw three men before me, and it was presently sug∣gested to me that these were the three persons in the Trinity; O then I was very much trou∣bled, but I knew I was under a temptation, and therefore cryed to the Lord for help, but was not p••esently delivered from it; but I had this Scripture brought to my mind, No man shal see my face and live, Exod. 33.20. But not being yet freed, I began to consider what I had heard and read as means to help against such temptations, at last I remembred, that Mr. Bolton in his Book of instructions for the right comforting of afflicted consciences, gave this direction, after the party had prayed for help against the Tempter, and done what they could in repelling him by the Word of God, that if they were yet followed by Satan, that then they should set about some honest imployment; but now I was in Bed, and knew not what to set about for the present, at last I resolved to try to suckle my Child, which I did, and then lay down again, and found that I was pretty well freed from that temptation, and finding my self much distempered in my head I desired the

Lord to give me rest, and went about to com∣pose my self to sleep; but as I lay I thought Satan stood before me, asking where I could find a promise for sleep, at present I could not think of any, but after some study this was brought into my mind, The Lord will give his beloued sleep; this word comforted me, but yet I could not all that night get any sleep, but still thought I saw Satan laughing at me, because I had no sleep, and yet trusted in his word; thus all the night I continued weak in body and comfortless in mind, so that in the morning I expected nothing but death, then beginning to think more seriously of my change, Satan as I then thought asked me where was my assurance of my everlasting happiness; at this I was very much troubled, knowing I had not full assu∣rance, but yet some good hope through the good∣ness of God I had, therefore my heart made answer, it is true I have no assurance, but I have cast my self wholly upon the Lord Christ, and in him only is my hope, and here will I rest, and if I perish I perish, but sure I am such shall not perish, for Christ hath promised them eternal life. Thus being assisted by the Lord, I vanquished Satan for that time: and being thus at peace, I quickly fell asleep, and dreamed there was a Ladder set upon the earth, whose top reached to heaven, and I thought I was to go up y^t Ladder into heaven, & that as fast as I got up I was pulled down again, which caused me to shed abundance of tears fearing

that I should never get up, and I thought some∣thing from above drew me by the arms, but I could not see what, but at last I thought I was in heaven where all tears were wiped from mine eyes, and I was filled with rejoycing, but when I had been there a little while, I thoght I was to go back again to the earth, and this very much troubled me: but then I thought I heard a voice saying, it would be but for a little while, and that I should die in Child-bed, and that the night before I dyed I should have full assu∣rance; this very much rejoyced me, (and I was very desirous to know of what child I should dye, but that was denyed me, upon this account, because I should be always prepared, but when I did awake I was filled with unexpressible joy, earnestly longing to be dissolved and to be with Christ which was best of all, and yet wil∣ling if the Lord pleased to suffer any thing which might be inflicted on me. Then I remembred how Satan, when I was about to turn to God, would present the sufferings of Gods people to me, thinking by that means to turn me back again, and how I should be discouraged by them but being filled with the joys of Gods Spirit I thought I could suffer any thing, not wonder∣ing, as I had done, how the Saints of old could bear up so bravely under their sufferings. But after I began to amend, my joys were not so full, as they had been, but I had a more setled peace than formerly I had, blessed be the Lord; I had many various changes in my spirituall

state but once having a great sense of a hard heart, and being desirous to have it molified, I was tempted to do some great evil, as the only means to break me; and that it might be the readier entertain'd, Satan put it into my heart to consider the condition of Nathaniel Butler, whose heart was unbroken till the com∣mission of that horrid sin of murder, and then this great evil brought him to a sight and sense of all sin▪ this temptation was very strong upon me, but yet stronger was he that was with me, than he that was against me; for at that very instant did the Lord cast into my heart that happy word, Rom. 8.3. Let us do evil that good may come, whose damnation is just. This word proved a happy means to repel the temp∣tation; but yet this mercy I had forgot, till the Lord revived it upon my heart, almost two years after as I was reading the Chapter.

And since my Child was weaned, I was in such a state of deadness and darkness, that I thought if I was ever raised out of it I should never question my condition again; I was tempted to think that the Scripture was not the word of God? I had let out my affection in a wonderful measure to my Child, and yet my Lord forsook me not, but dispelled my darkness, and filled me with rejoycing; O What shal I render to him? After this I grew into another damp, and was raised again, and I trust the Lord will keep me notwithstanding all the mist which shall be raised in my heart by sin and

Satan, even by his power through faith unto Salvation. These Scriptures revived me 〈◊〉〈◊〉 several times; when I was in heaviness fo•• want of the presence of God at the Ordinan•••• of the Lords Supper, Prov. 8.34. Blessed ar•• they that watch daily at my gates, waiting a•• the posts of my door, Mat. 20.15. Is it no•• lawfull for me to do what I will with my ow•••• This cheeked me and made me willing to wa•• at that time; But this is my comfort, God 〈◊〉〈◊〉 unchangeable, who I trust wil carry me throug•• all the difficulties I shall met with here below•• and I trust will ere long bring me to the e••¦joyment of himself, where I shall be past si••¦ning and sorrowing. And as a further test••¦mony of my interest in Christ, by the effects 〈◊〉〈◊〉 my Faith, I have these Evidences.

First, My love to God, which is greater th•• to any thing in the world besides, and my G•• hath left it upon record, that he loves them th•• love him, Prov. 8.17. I know my love is n•• so great as it should be; but I am sure n•• greatest grief is, that I can love him no bette•• and in this case God will accept the will 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the deed.

Secondly, I know my love is sincere by th•• because I love the Children of God, for as is, 1 Iohn 5.1. Every one that loveth hi•• that begot, loveth him also that is begotten 〈◊〉〈◊〉 him: and by this I know that I love th•• children of God, because I love God; so tha•• this is another evidence that I am passed fro••

death to life, even because I love the brethren, 1 Iohn 3.14.

Thirdly, I can appeal to the Lord, who is the searcher of hearts, that the breathings of my soul are chiefly after holiness, that I might be more like unto the Lord Iesus, my desire is to serve God in all things, and to have a real and hearty respect unto all Gods commandments, & I desire if it were possible, that I might never sin more, but rather that I might behave my self in all holy conversation, as one that hath indeed and in truth experienced how good and gracious the Lord is: I bless God I can truly say, that my hottest conflicts are against those sins which are obvious only to the eye of God, even my sinful thoughts, though they come not into action; O many a sad heart have I had when I have considered the vileness of my thoughts, and yet have been unblameable in my conversation, and this is still my daily sor∣row, and therefore I trust they shall never be my ruine, but that the Lord will shortly re∣••oyce the heart of his poor servant, in giving me the victory over these and all my other in∣bred corruptions, which have so often made a separation between my dear Lord and my poor soul.

Fourthly, I find a great change in any heart as touching the Word of God, for where heretofore like a wretch as I was, I esteemed a playbook before it, now, blessed the Lord, I prize it before all other, and good reason have

I for it, for by it hath the Lord quickned m•• and therefore as long as I live I will give u•• my self to walk according to the rule of it, begin•• the spirit of God to open the mystery of it to m•• that so I might not only have the Letter, b•• the very mind of Christ.

Fifthly, I see nothing in my self that mak•• me more worthy of salvation than another, know that I have deserved to lye in flames, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 well as any that are now in the place of tormen•• and that nothing but mercy hath stept betwe•• my soul and everlasting burnings, and ther••¦fore I heartily wish, that I might always admiring of this free grace of God in chus•••• me before the foundation of the world was la•• so unworthy a creature as I am, to set his l•• upon me, and let go so many thousands, t•• were more capable to bring Glory to his na•• than •• am: O the height, and depth, a•• breadth, and length of this love of God in Ch•• Iesus, which hath abounded to me a poor a•• unworthy creature •• it is indeed such a love passeth knowledge, and therefore I can no•• sufficiently admire it, whilst I am here in body, which makes me long to be dissolv•• that so I might know it more clearly, and swallowed up in the eternal admiration of Amen.

And these are my principles which I tr•• I shall hold fast even to my death.

1. I believe that the Scriptures contained in the Old and New Testament are the word of God written by the Prophets and holy men, as they were inspired by God, to be y^e rule of Faith and life to his people: I believe all that God in his word wills me to believe, being perswad∣ed by the spirit of God concerning the truth of it; I believe that there is one only eternal God, who hath his Being from himself, and hath given a Being to all his Creatures, both in heaven and earth, and under the earth, and from eternity to eternity doth whatsoever he will: I believe that this eternal God-head is distinguished into three Persons, the Father begetting, the Son begotten, and the holy Ghost proceeding from them both, I believe that God created man in his own image, in righteousness, and holiness giving him dominion over all the Creatures, and likewise gave him liberty to continue in this happy condition if he would, but he having liberty to stand or to fall in his own hands, quickly lost that happiness which God had instated him in, by yeilding to the inticements of Satan, so that breaking the commands of God he brought a curse upon himself, and all his posterity, so that all man∣kind by nature are now in a miserable conditi∣on, children of wrath, heirs of Hell, &c. And I do believe, that God from all eternity knew what man would do when he had created him, so that Adam's fall did but usher in, as it were, a greater blessedness: for I do believe there

hath been an eternal Covenant between the Father and the Son, in the electing some to life even before the foundation of the earth was said: so that no sooner had man fallen, but God promised a Saviour, even the Lord Iesus Christ who in his divine nature is in all things equal with God the Father, and that such was his exceeding love and pity to poor lost creatures that had broken his commands, and said them∣selves liable to the Curse, that rather then they should perish, he hath laid aside the Robes of his glory, and took upon him the nature of man, but without sin; and that he was conceived by the holy Ghost, born of a Virgin, and while he was on earth was loaded with reproaches and scorns, and did at last suffer upon the cross for the sins of his Elect, where he bore the weight of Gods wrath in his Soul, by his heaviness in his Agony, and satisfied the Iustice of God in his body, which was crucified till he dyed; and I believe that he was buried, and that the third day he rose again from the dead, having con∣quered sin, death, and hell, for believers, and that he was seen of his Disciples, and others, forty dayes after his Resurrection, and in their sight did ascend into Heaven, with the same Body which was Crucified upon the Cross, where he is set down at the right Hand of the Majesty on High, and is become a glorious Mediator between GOD and Man, being anointed of God to be an eternal King, Priest, and Prophet to the Saints, whose peace he

hath purchased by the Blood of his Cross: and I believe that at the last and great Day, the Lord Iesus, when all his Elect are gathered in, will rend the Heavens and come down to judge the World in Righteousness, when all Nations shall be gathered before him, even they that sleep in the dust of the earth shall awake, some to everlasting Life, and some to shame and everlasting contempt: and I believe that those which are alive at the coming of the Lord, shall be caught up into the Clouds together with those that were asleep in Iesus, to meet the Lord in the Air, where they shal sit with Christ upon Thrones to judge all the Hypocrites, and unbelievers, to eternal damnation both of soul and body in Hell, where the worm dyeth not, and the fire never shall be out; and the wicked being gone into everlasting punishment, I be∣lieve that the Righteous shall enter into Life eternal, where they shall for ever be singing of Praises, and Hallelujahs to Him who loved them, and washed them from their sins in his own Blood.

These are my principles, and I trust the Lord will so fix me in them, that I may never be tossed too and fro with any contrary winds of Doctrine, as too many in these latter days are; nay I am even at this time perswaded by the Lord, that I shal not be l••d away by the errors of the wicked, because the Lord hath not only rightly informed my judgment concerning these things, but hath also given me good Hope,

through grace, that he is my Father, the Lord Iesus having dyed for my sins, and risen again for my justification; and this is that which brings comfort to my soul, and makes me to rejoyce, though not seeing, yet believing, even with joy unspeakable and full of glory; so I doubt not but the Lord Iesus my dear Redeem∣er, will so support me by his grace, that whatso∣ever my condition hath been or shall be here in this little moment of time, yet that I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever, for in him only is my hope, and I will make mention of his righteousness; and of his only, who is the Lord my righteousness; and therefore to him be all the glory given now and for evermore, Amen.

This confession of my Faith and my Experi∣ences was written in a time of sweet peace: my reasons why I writ them were these 1. Because formerly when I had enjoyed the sweet pre∣sence of God, and been for the time filled with rejoicing, yet when God had withdrawn the light of his countenance from me, I presently fell to questioning all the dealings of God with me, and so dishonoured God by my unbelief, so that now being under the sense of love, and being desirous for the time to come to glorifie God more in the great work of unbelieving, I write down my Experiences, hoping they may be sweet supports to me in a time of darkness.

2. My desire to treasure up the Experiences which I have had of Gods goodness to me, was

••••other reason why I write them, knowing ••w apt I am to let slip out of my remem∣••••ance that which is good.

3. I have been often called upon to see that ••y principles be right, and to make sure my ••idences for heaven; and therefore that I may ••••stifie my obedience to God and his Word, ••nd that I might increase my joy in the Lord, ••y believing more firmly what the Lord had ••one for my soul, I set about the work of heart-••arching, to see what I could find in me that ••rought me within the compass of everlasting ••••essedness; and some things I found, blessed be ••he Lord, which I thought was worthy to be re∣••orded, which was hss own work in me and for me, and therefore I write them down, and heartily desire that God may have the Glory of his own grace: for I know that he only hath wrought all my works in me, for of my self I am not able to think a good thought, speak a good word or do a good action. And I trust that the Lord will perfect that which concerns me, and not forsake the work of his own hands, that so I may be to the praise of the glory of his grace all the days of my life. Amen.

FINIS.