Mercy triumphant in the conversion of sinners unto God: Being an account of the remarkable experiences of many eminent Christians in several declarations made by them upon solemn occasions. Displaying the exceeding riches of the free grace and love of God in supporting them under violent temptations, and the troubles of their despairing consciences, and at length filling their souls with divine consolations. Formerly published by divers faithful ministers of the Gospel in and about London, and now revived for the comforting of poor doubting believers. By W.D.

X. Experiences of M. K.

WHen I take a view of my Life upon the Stage of this World, I may very well compare it to a Trage-Comedy, a Labyrinth from one sin to another, from one affliction to another. I was in∣deed the Daughter of very good and honest Parents, who diligently brought up their Children in the fear of God. My Mother, who in her days was noted for a godly, virtuous and religious Gentle∣woman; she, I say, from amongst twelve Children, chose me to set her love and affection upon, she

told me, it was because she saw something a more tractableness and and diligence to please her th••n in the rest, which when I perceived, as then not be∣ing seven years old, I laid my self forth the more to give her content, who took great delight to in∣struct me, to hear me read, and ask her questions. She allotted me a portion of Scripture every day, as likewise a part of Erasmus Rotterdamus upon the four Evangelists, wherein we both took great de∣light.

About that time I had serious thoughts concern∣ing God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, who putting this part of Scripture into my mind, He that is ashamed of me before men, of him will I be ashamed before my Father which is in Heaven; and whoso denieth me before men, him will I deny before the Angels which are in Heaven: I then began to ex∣amine my self on this manner,

What wouldst thou do, if thou wert tempted, amongst diversities of Opinions, to be ashamed of this Profession wherein thy Parents nurtured thee? What wouldst thou do, if thou shouldst be tempted to deny Christ, and be called to suffer for his sake, as some of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time? wouldst thou not deny thy Master? wouldst thou not run away from thy colours?

I resolved, that I would not: And if the Lord would be plea∣sed to try me, he should see how valiantly I would fight under his Banner, and what a faithful Soul∣dier I would be; to this I did implore his help continually; whatsoever I was about, still my heart was praying, and I desired that God would be pleased to awake me in the night, that I might rise out of my Bed to prayer, which many times I did.

After this manner I spent my days, until I was twelve years old, at which time it pleased God to

take my Mother from me, which was some sorrow to me, but being suddenly made my Father's house∣keeper, so as it were a Mother to ten Children, a Mistress over six Servants, none to do any thing without my command or consent, being as it were my Father's right hand, from whom I had this Authority; it did not only stop my sorrow, but caused an exceeding joyful pride, or proud joy to seize upon my heart, seeing my self as it were ad∣vanced, being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish, who were my Mothers companions, I representing her person when I was amongst them; then began the cares of the World, and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart, and made me forget my former order, promises, and intentions; and thus I spent almost seven years, cumbred about many things, but quite neg∣lecting that one thing which is needful.

About this time, it pleased God to take my Fa∣ther from me, upon a sudden. I asked my heart,

What was the cause of my Father's death? It made answer thus, Because thou hast sinned against God, thou hast not only omitted much good, but thou hast committed much evil, thou hast spent thy time idly, and loosely, and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fa∣therless and Motherless.

This consideration made such a deep impression upon my spirit, that I re∣fused all comfort for half a year, crying out con∣tinually, My sins, my sins, woe is me, my sins! being demanded by divers godly friends, and reverend Divines, what those sins were which so much troubled me? I told them, sins of omission, sins of omission; they would perswade me that I was young, and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sins by omission, that needed so much sorrow, I told them that I was

old enough to offend God, and to provoke him to anger; indeed, I could not give so ready account of my sins, of evil committed, and of good omitted; but though they never took notice of my sins, yet my heart was witness against me: Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow, who knew not what to do for me more than they had done. With one consent they sent me up to Lon∣don, perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there, which made me willing to come. But missing of my Brother, to whom I was sent, to be provided for, and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again, God by his pro∣vidence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page, Mi∣nister of Debtford, from whom I received great comfort, but in a short time God took him from us all, whose death was greatly lamented. I found much favour and love from all that knew me, and most especially from Mris. Page, who for three years and an half, would not suffer me to be away from her one day.

At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living; we had not been long married, and my Husband received his Portion, but we took a house in Westminster, intending to take some honest course for a livelihood, but there, God knows, we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness, but almost all our means. One man especially who gave his mind to drinking, and other vices more than any good, he, I say, was never well contented without my Husband's com∣pany. Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life, I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company, or at least not to suffer him to come so often home

to our house; This I begged upon my knees with tears, but could not prevail; then did the Devil set his foot into my heart, and perswade me that by the committing of one sin, I should prevent many, and so stirred me up to murther him, to which suggestion I cowardly yielded, and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act. Here I denied my Master Christ. In the highest of this hatred, in my sleep, I thought I was in a very large Chamber, sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet, upon which lay all manner of Instru∣ments which proclaim death; suddenly the man came into the Chamber, whom, so soon as I espy∣ed to be alone, catching up a weapon in my hand, I resolved there to commit the horrid act of mur∣ther upon his body; but God, who watcheth over his, whether they sleep or wake, and worketh by means, and without means, which way he pleaseth, at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts, and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear, saying, Vengeance is mine; to which voice I answered aloud, And, thou wilt repay, O Lord; Then waking, hear∣ing my self speak, I was in very good charity with him, and left my wrong to God, but reflecting upon mine own heart, there I found not only these, but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions, which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth, for I no sooner had concluded, that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust, although I suffered all the punishments due for such and such like sins; wherein I ran away from my Captain, yet for all this he had a favour towards me, and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again.

But then began a fresh Battel, for my God coming as it were, to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me, he found it, not only wrapt

up in a napkin, but exceedingly abused; and search∣ing my heart, what found he there, but a sink of sin, a Cage of unclean Birds, and Den of Theeves, a place for Dragons, for the Scritchowl, and for the Satyre? these had taken full possession, there was no room for my God, they kept him out, and what did they there, but made it like a troubled Sea? First, telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven.

Dost thou not know (said they) that thy thought sins are sufficient to damn thee, although thou hast never committed any actually? doth not the Scripture say plainly, if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery?

which commandment being broken, brings death. I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law, to see which of them I had broken, and which I had kept, I found them all broken, and at the end of every one was written Death: And not only these, but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ, wherein he bids us watch, and pray for your ene∣mies, feed the hungry, cloath the naked, love one another, all which I had likewise broken, which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation. I argued then with my self on this wise,

I have read, and I have heard, that Almighty God, which by his power made Hea∣ven and Earth, and all therein, had sent his Son to dye for sinners, and that there was hopes through his death that I should get pardon;

I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my God and Sa∣viour, but I was dashed from all: Mine enemy Satan possessing my thoughts, suggested thus un∣to me.

Fond Fool (quoth he) why dost thou thus trouble thy self? take thy pleasure, do what thou likest, thou shalt never be called to an ac∣count

for any thing: for as the wise man dyeth, so dyeth the fool, and both rest in the grave to∣gether; there is no God to save thee or to pun∣ish thee, all things were made by nature, and when thou dyest, there is an end of all thy good and bad deeds; thou talkest of the Scripture, and of a God, and of a Jesus which thou hast heard of there; see thy simplicity now, how canst thou prove the Scriptures to be true? alas they were made by mens inventions, there is no hold for thee to take there.

Thus being unquiet, I spent my days and nights in tears and sighs, and groans, sometimes thinking with my self If I shall be saved, why am I thus? Then again, concluding that there was no

Hea∣ven, no God, no Jesus, no good Angels, only an Hell there was, and Devils to carry me thither, who waited in every corner, and behind every door to snatch me away:

And I saw there was no remedy, but the more I strove, the faster I stuck, I fainted, and laid down mine arms, and cowardly yielded to the enemy, arguing with my self,

if I am a firebrand of Hell, a child of perdition, a limb of Satan, and my portion is to be with the Devil and his Angels: Why live I longer up∣on the Earth?

why go I not to mine own place? Thus content to perish, I wandred about the space of half a year; no Man nor Woman was privy to, nor knew the least of all my thoughts; at length concluding that the night ensuing, would be my last night that I should stay here on Earth, as one desiring to be at home, I carelesly left my Family and went to bed, as it were, inviting the Devils to come and take their due; but mark I pray you, the goodness of our God, who was with me all this while▪ and I was not aware of it, for even that same night, The little dog leaping upon the bed, I

thought it was the Devil who was come to fetch me away; I screamed forth aloud; but when I perceived it was the dog, and not the Devil, I began to think, Thut surely there was a God that had preserved me all this while.

In a most grievous agony I spent that night weeping, and although it was Winter, yet I sweat that the water ran from off every part of my Bo∣dy. Being in this sad condition, I thought it was not right, but surely some means might be used to get out of it. And rising the more early in the morning, went up into the highest room that was in the House, and looked forth at the window to see if I could see God; there I beheld the Trees to grow, the Birds to flye, the Heavens how they hanged, and all things that were before me, then I thought they could not make themselves, no more than I could make my self, and that we must needs have a Maker, and this Maker must be strong and powerful; Then I fell down upon my knees, crying out in this manner,

O God, if there be a God, shew thy self to me a poor mi∣serable wretch, that I am at the point to perish;

Then I thought I saw the Lord, but with a frown∣ing countenance he looked upon me, as if he had said,

Thou hast displeased me, and I will not hear thee, and turning his back went from me, which sight was as a dart thrust through my Soul;

for the space of half an hour, divers thoughts entred into my Heart, but before I rose from off my knees, I resolved to become an earnest suter to him, and not to do any thing more that should displease him, hoping that he would be intreated for that which was past.

But now, I beseech you godly Christians, to take notice of the wonderfull workings of our good God, whose judgements are unsearchable,

and his ways past finding out. He had called many times at the door of my heart, and had but small and slight entertainment, but now he came vio∣lently and powerfully to take possession of his own, and set me about his work in my self: Then I be∣gan to think what I should do, and whether I should go to pacifie the wrath of this terrible and dreadfull God, by whose providence I was brought to a Church in VVestminster, where Mr. Dod, a ve∣ry godly and reverend Divine, was preaching a Funeral Sermon, I went in, hoping to hear some comfort, giving attentive heed, his Text was, With my dead body they shall arise; see here, my God did not only make a scourge of small cords, and whipped out the buyers and sellers, but he did over-turn, and overturn, and overturn; for this Minister did not only preach to the people, but shewed me, as it were in a looking glass, mine own condition, and told me that by the gates of Hell many times God was pleased to bring his Ser∣vants to Heaven; being hungry and thirsty, I was glad of a little food; and presently catcht hold of that word; Is it so thought I, then there is comfort for me, I will about my work, if it please God to assist me: In his Sermon he asked divers questions, to which my heart made answer, so that I came home joyfull, longing to hear more of his Do∣ctrine, which fell out as if it had been on purpose for my sake, so that for a month, or five weeks, I heard two, three, four, or five Sermons, from him constantly every week, wherein he bid me try and prove whether I had Faith or no, whe∣ther I did hate my sins or no, and what have been the signs and fruits thereof: He likewise bid me search the Scriptures, for they are true, and com∣pare my condition with the children of God there; But after he was sensible of my condition, which

I made known to him privately, he was very labo¦rious to bring my Soul out of the jaws of Death, and to raise it up to Jesus Christ, for which pains, I hope my God will reward him to his everlasting comfort.

But one thing I had almost forgot. When I was in the depth of my spiritual dejection, I was utterly denyed all outward comforts, my God hi∣ding his face I was troubled, the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars, seemed in their courses to fight against me, my neighbours fell out with me, and mocked me, my kindred deserted me, my Captain Christ offended, made me run the gauntlet, and every Souldier had a lash at me, whatsoever hap∣pened unto me, brought sorrow to my heart.

But when I was perswaded that the Scriptures were true, I set my self to search them, to see what comfort I could find there; beginning at the Alpha of Genesis, I found, In the beginning God created the Heaven, and the Earth, and all there∣in; Well then, though I, there is a God; but viewing a little further, I found this God offen∣ded, and Man in a lost condition, but presently a remedy promised; going on, I found the Paschal Lamb, the brazen Serpent, the bunch of Grapes, the scape Goat, and divers other things to be types of that promised Seed; I likewise took a view of the afflictions of Joseph, David, and Job, that did much ease my grief. Coming to that place where my God spake by his Prophet,

Come, let us rea∣son together, though your sins were as scarlet, I will make them as white as snow, though they were like crimson, they shall be like wool; And though you had lain among the pots, yet shall ye be like doves wings, covered over with silver;

Then I thought, will the Lord reason with sin∣ners? will he vouchsafe a Parley? O that I were

able to answer him one of a thousand! O that these promises belonged unto me! O that this God were reconciled unto me! How happy should I be; how happy is that man whose Transgressions are for∣given, and whose sins are covered? O, how blessed is that man unto whom the Lord imputeth no sin! I found the same Prophet Isaiah prophesie of my Sa∣viours birth in his 9th Chapter, and in his 53, he lively sets forth his Passion, and in the 55, the Lord inviting me with a Proclamation; Ho, every one that thirsteth, come; then I answered, Lord, I would fain come, but how shall I come? I have nothing to bring to pacifie thine anger, O that I could see thee smile upon me, as once I saw thee frown, how happy should I be: then I called to mind that I had heard, and read, that Jesus Christ shed his blood for sinners, and that whosoever believeth in him should be saved; and I was something incouraged to petition in his Name on this man∣ner.

Heal me O Lord, and I shall be healed; turn me, and I shall be turned; convert me, and I shall be converted. O save me, my God, and I shall be saved; take away this stony heart of mine, and give me an heart of flesh, renew a right Spirit within me, restore me to those joys that I was wont to find in thee, for thy loving kindness is better than thousands of Rivers of Oyl; O cast me not away whom thou hast had so much patience withal; O cast me not away whom thou hast bought with so dear a price; O forsake me not in this my great necessity, O look upon that ever-streaming fountain of thy Sons blood, which is poured forth for all them that believe; Lord I believe, help thou my un∣belief; O pardon, pardon I beseech thee, for∣give me all my sins, my Sermon-sins, my Sabbath-sins,

my every-days sins, my other peoples sins, my sins of omission, my sins of commission, my sins of ignorance, my sins of knowledge, my sins of presumption, my sins of willfulness; O Lord, forgive me my known and secret sins, O pardon the sins that I have committed this day, O speak the word only, and thy Servant shall be healed, Amen.

Thus when the Lord had opened my mouth to speak unto him, I gathered a great deal of strength, and had much hope that he would be intreated; but not setting so great an esteem on my Saviour Jesus Christ as I ought, I thought I must bring som∣thing with me to pacifie my God; I thought I must make my self all fair, and beautiful, before my God would love me, but how to do this I knew not; for the space of eleven years I sought all op∣portunities to please him, yet when I examined my ways, works, and actions, I found they were so far from pleasing him, that they were rather motives to stir him up to anger, if he should be severe to mark what I did amiss; many times I thought upon the sad condition that I had been in, and how the Lord had restored me. then my heart was elevated and over-joyed; I found a great deal of love in my self towards God, but was not sure of Gods love to me, which I esteemed above all the World; the honour of God was so dear unto me, that I could sometimes say unto him,

Lord if there be no way to bring honour to thy Name, but by my confusion, then let me be confounded; but sure Lord, thou maist gain more glory in saving me, than in damning me, the dead cannot bring honour to thy Name, for who shall give thee thanks in the pit? the living, the living, they shall praise thee, as I hope to do hereafter.

Many times I prayed, and had many petitions granted me presently, and at other times I prayed, and was denyed what I begged, but had what I de∣sired in a better way; in all Dispensations I found my God with me, either with his preventing, as∣sisting, or supporting graces, I received innume∣rable favours from him, yet could I not be perswa∣ded that they came from his love, but that rather they were to augment my score; I was still la∣bouring and inquiring how I might come to be as∣sured of Gods love, which he was pleased at length to shew me in some measure, on this manner; In the sixt of John I hear my Saviour Jesus Christ telling me,

that I cannot come to him except God our Father draw me, and if I come to him, him, he will in no wise cast me out, but will raise me up at the last day;

I am perswaded, that it was my God alone that did draw me to my Sa∣viour Jesus Christ, that will receive me, and will raise me up at the last Day. In John 17. I hear him praying to his Father for me, whose request I am confident shall not be denyed.

Nay further, by faith I see my Saviour Jesus Christ suffering for me, nailed upon the Cross for me, wounded, buffeted, stript, and spit upon for me; dead, buryed, rose again, ascended into Hea∣ven, and sitteth on the right hand of his Father, and my God, making intercession for me; which gives me assurance of my Gods everlasting and unchangeable love, in, and through my Saviour Jesus Christ, towards me, and that not for any thing that was in me, but for his sake, he said unto me, when I was in my blood, live; and I know I do believe and am regenerated by the Holy Ghost.

1. Because I find such an alteration in my self, that whereas before I could not believe there was a

God, now I am sure there is a Great and an Al∣mighty God, and he is my loving Father. 2. Be∣fore I durst not lift up mine eyes to Heaven, now I can with boldness cry, Abba, dear Father. 3. Be∣fore I did not regard the people of God, now all my delight is with the Saints that are upon the Earth. 4. I love to hear my God well spoken of, it grieves me to hear, or see him dishonoured. 5 I long to see my Saviour, and to kiss those wounds from which issued streams of blood, which pacifi∣ed Gods anger towards me. 6. I rejoyce when I think of death, knowing that it is swallowed up in victory. 7 I often hear this voice in mine ears, Arise ye dead, and come to judgment; I rejoyce to hear this saying, He that shall come, will cbme, and will not tarry. 8. I desire sanctity of Life, and help from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me. 9. I long to hear him speak, who saith in the Omega of the Revelation, Behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me; even so come Lord Jesus, come quickly, Amen, Amen. M. K.