The life of S. Augustine. The first part: Written by himself in the first ten books of his Confessions faithfully translated.

LIB. I.

CHAP. I.

[Cap. 1] Invocation and praise of God, so great, so incomprehensible, and yet so near, and intimate to his creatures; and requiring of man (so vile a thing by sin) to love, to invocate, to praise, and to confess unto, Him. This in the five Chapters following.

GReat art thou O Lord, and exceedingly to be praised; great is thy power, and thy wisdom is infinite. And yet man presumes to praise thee, being a piece of thy Creation; poor man, that bears about him (now) Mortality; that bears about this sad Remembrancer of his sin, and this inherent witnesse: that thou O God resistest the proud. Yet man desires to praise thee, as a piece of thy Creation. And this his delight to praise thee also floweth from thee: because Thou madest him for thee, and his heart is restlesse, until it repose in Thee.

Teach me therefore now O Lord this my duty towards Thee: And which ought to precede, That, to call upon Thee; or that, to give praise unto Thee. And again; which is first; To know thee; or, to call upon Thee.— But, who is he, that calls upon Thee, and doth not first

know thee? for so he may addresse his prayers to some∣thing else instead of thee— And yet, call we not also upon thee, that thou wouldest vouchsafe to let us know thee? — But again 'tis said. How shall they call on him, on whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe with∣out a Preacher? And: They shall praise the Lord, that [first] seek after him. For they that seek, shall finde him. And they that finde, shall praise, Him.— Let me then first seek thee O Lord, by calling upon thee; and call upon thee from be∣lieving in thee, because unto us also hast thou been preached. My faith therefore now calleth upon Thee O Lord: thy gift which thou hast inspired into me, by the great myste∣ry of the Incarnation of thy Son, and by the ministery of thy Preachers of it.

CHAP. II.

YEt how may I call upon, or invoke, my God; my God, and my Lord? Since to invoke him, is to call him into me. And what Mansion within me, where my God may reside? God within me, that made Heaven and Earth? Is there then, O Lord my God, any room so spacious in me, that can receive thee? Nay: can the vast Globe of Heaven and Earth, things that thou hast made, and me a small point within their womb, can these, in any wise, receive thee? —Or is it so, that since nothing that is, could Be, without thee; therefore whatever is, must needs receive thee? Since then I also am in Being; what need I intreat thy accesse into me, who therefore am, because thou art in me? Who am not yet a thing so low and remote as Hell, or the Grave; and yet thou art present there. For If I go down into Hell, Thou art there also. Therefore I should not be, O my God, not be at all: but only by thy being in me. Or rather, I should not be, but by being in thee; of whom, and by whom, and in whom, all things be. 'Tis so, Lord; even so. Whether then may I invoke thee, seeing I am already in thee? Or, from whence thou draw-near unto me? For whither can I retire, beyond the utmost limit of Heaven and Earth, to invite from thence my God into me? Who hath said: I fill the Heaven and the Earth.

CHAP. III.

BUt do the Heavens and Earth, thus filled by thee, therefore contain thee? Or dost thou replenish these, and yet overflow; because they cannot wholly receive thee?

And where then dost thou effund (these vessells running over) the remainder of thy self? — Or hast thou no need of any thing at all to contain thee; who, thy self, conteinest all things? For, in thy filling them, thou dost also contain them; and they are full of Thee by being re∣ceived into thee. For, the vessels, that are replenished with thee, add to thy fluxure no consistency; because thou art not shed at all, when they are broken: and, when thou art powred out upon us, thou art not spilled, but we are conserved; nor thou dissipated, but we, by thee, recollected, and kept from effusion.

But thou, who thus fillest all things, fillest thou each with all thy self? Or, they not capable of thee wholly, do they only receive some part? and then, do they all re∣ceive the same, or several parts of thee? The greater taking more, the lesser a lesse? And is there then, some part of thee greater, and some lesse, Or, Art thou every where totally, yet, no where totally, received.

CHAP. IV.

O What art thou therefore, my God? What (can I say) art thou, but the Lord God? For who is God, but the Lord? or who is God, save our God? O Thou, most highest, most good; most potent, most omnipotent; most merci∣full, and most just; most present, and most retired; the fairest, and the strongest; stable, and yet not comprehen∣sible; unchangeable, and yet all-changing; never new, nor never old; and all-renewing; only withering and bringing to nothing, the proud and gallant, before they are aware. Alwayes in action; and alwayes in repose; still gathering, and nothing lacking; supporting, filling, and over-spreading all things; their Father, nurse, and accom∣plisher; still in chase of what is possest. A lover, without affection; jealous, without fearing a rival; repenting thee, without any sorrow; angry, yet still most calmly serene; changing oft thy works, never thy designe; finding, and receiving again, what was never lost; never needy, yet fond of gain; not covering, yet exacting use; men super∣erogate unto thee, that thou becomest their debter, and yet who hath any thing not thine? Thou payest debts, yet owest nothing; forgivest them, and losest nothing.

And what is all this that I say O my God; my life; my sacred, sweet-delight? or what amounts it unto, that any one saith, when he assayes to speak of thee? and yet wo to them, who, in thy praise, are silent; though, in it, they are no more then mute, who are most eloquent.‖

CHAP. V.

O What shall I do, that I may for ever repose and ac∣quiesce in thee? What shall I do, to have my soul wholly-possest with, and inebriated by, thee, so to enjoy an eternall oblivion of all past evills, and the perpetuall embraces of thee (my only Good)? And, in this so much, on both sides, longed-for union, what good art thou to me? (let thy mercies indulge me to speak unto thee:) Or, what good am I to thee? That thou exactest of me, that I should love thee; and, if I do it not, art highly displeased, and threatnest to bring on me the greatest misery; (is this then so small a misery, for me not to love thee?) Ah! By thy mercies tell me (O Lord my God) what is that great thing that thou art unto me? Say unto my soul I am thy salvation. But say it so, as it may hear thee say it. Behold the ears of my heart are before thee, open them; and say unto my soul, there, I am thy salvation. Then will I hasten after thy alluring voice, and catch fast hold on thee. O hide not thou thy face from me. Let me see it though I dye; lest otherwise I dye so, as never to see it.

The Mansion of my soul is too narrow: to entertain thee, O let it be enlarged by thee. 'Tis very ruinous, be thou pleased to repair it. The sordid furniture there∣of must be very offensive to thy holy eyes, (I know and confess it;) but who can purge and cleanse it, besides thee? or to what other (besides thee) shall I cry? Cleanse me, O Lord, from my secret sins, and from my presump∣tuous wickednesses deliver thy Servant. I believe thou hast and wilt forgive them, and therefore do I speak and confess them; O Lord, thou knowest. Have not I Confessed against me my sins unto thee O my God: I hope thou hast forgiven the wickedness of my sin? I do not contend in judgment with thee, for thou art the truth: nor will I be deceived in hearkning to excuses, whilst, perhaps, mine iniquity tells lyes unto me. Therefore do I not contend in judgment with thee; For, if thou Lord shouldest marke iniquities, O Lord who shall a∣bide it.

CHAP VI.

An Account* of St. Austins Infancy nourished and sustained by the divine providence.

YEt suffer me, thy justice laid aside, to speak unto thy mer∣cy; me dust and ashes; yet suffer me to speak, be∣ing it is unto the mercies of my God I speak, and not to

Man, so apt to scoffe at me (and perhaps thou also for the present l••••••liest at me, but in good time thou wilt re∣turn and pitty me) And what is it, I would first utter un∣to thee O Lord my God; but that my silliness cannot tell how, or whence I first came hither; into this dying life, shall I call it? or living death? I cannot tell. And be∣hold then, immediatly the comforts of thy compassiona∣ting mercies * attended me (as I have been told by the Parents of my flesh, out of whose substance thou fashi∣onedst me in thy good appointed time, long before the dawning of this my memory) and * cherished that my helpless age with the soft nourishment of a Womans milk. Neither was it the Providence of my Mother or Nurses; that stored their swelling breasts therewith, but thou it was, that, in those Cisterns, preparedst an agreeable food for that my tender age, according to thin•• ordinance, and the riches of thy bounty, descending to the meanest Original of things. And thou gavest also * to me, to de∣sire that only, which thou then gavest me; and also * to those who nursed me as willingly to bestow on me, what thou didst first bestow on them. For they, by a heavenly-guided affection, took a delight to impart unto me, what they abounded with from thee; and it was al∣so good for them, that I received this good from them: which indeed was not from, but by, them only: for from thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God cometh my universal salvation; as I have well-learned since, by the multiplyed expressions of so many blessings heaped upon me, internal and external, all confessing thee their Author. For, then, I had only the skill, how to suck; to be still, when my flesh was satisfyed; and to cry, when it was offended; and nothing more than this. But afterward came-on smiles and laughter, first when I was asleep, then when awake: (for this hath been told me of my self; and I likewise discover it in the infancy of others, though I remember it not in mine own).

Hence by gentle degrees I advanced, to perceive and discern where I was; and to have a desire to make known my desires, to those that might content them: But this in vain at first; these longings of mine being * shut up within me, and they * without me; unable, with the eye of sense, to pierce so deep into my soul. Therefore next, I laboured to produce and expose my meaning by several motions of my fluttering limbs, and ejaculations of broken words, * some few, such as I could articulate,

and bearing * litle resemblance to my mental conceits▪ And, when I was not presently obeyed, eith••r for that my desires were hurtfull, or not intelligible, I would fall into a ridiculous rage against my Elders, not under my power, and my betters, not owing me service, I would take revenge on them with crying. Such have I heard o∣ther In ants to be, and such my Nurses and Tenders re∣port me to have been, by those dark conjectures they could make of my infantine inclinations.

And now, behold, mine infancy is deceased long ago: and, notwithstanding, I still alive. But tell me, O Lord, thou who livest all ages, yet without the defluxe of any (because, before the first dawn of time, and before all that can be said to be, before, Thou art; and art the God and Lord of all, which thy self hath created; and before thy eye do stand ever-fixed the causes of all the here∣most-fleeting events; and remain unchangeable, the Ideas and patterns of all things here most floating; and before thee live eternall the reasons of all things temporall, which, so often, to us, seem unreasonable.) Tell unto me (O God) thy poor suppliant; thou, that art merci∣full, unto me, who am miserable; tell me, whether this my infancy succeeded not also a younger age of mine, expired before it; that life perchance, the revolution of which I passed, yet being a prisoner within my Mo∣thers womb (for of my abode there also I have under∣stood, and seen many Women bear about the like burdens.)

And, what before that life again (O my God, my sweetest dear delight)? Was I yet then also any where? Or any thing? Which none can tell me, neither Father, nor Mother, that begot me; neither others experience, nor my own memory. And dost not thou now deride this my curiousity, demanding thee such questions? Who only requirest my lauding of thee, and confessing unto thee, concerning things within the circle of my know∣ledge.

I confesse therefore unto thee, Lord of Heaven and Earth, and give thee prai••e for that my first conception, and that my new-born infancy, in which things, though beyond our remembrance, thou hast given unto us a con∣jecture of our selves from our experience of others, and from the authority of those who then attended us. Then had I being, and life, and cogitation, and (toward the wane of my infancy) invention of expressive signes to make my meanings known to others.

And whence such a, vitall, sensitive, piece of matter, as I was then, but from thee O Lord? Can any be his own Creator? Or can there be derived from any other sourse the smallest vein, that may stream essence and life into us, but only from thee, who, thus, hast made us? In whom Being and Living are not a several thing, but thou art one and the same highest supremity of both. For, thou art the most-high, and thou art not changed. Neither doth To-day ever passe-away in thee; and yet in thee it is that it passeth away; for even these transitories are not, but, as in thee. Nor have they any way of passing away, but as conveyed through thee; and yet mean while, be∣cause thy years fail not, therefore thy years are but a con∣tinued to-day. And how many dayes of ours, and of our forefathers, have flowed away through this thy one ever-fixed day, and, from it, received the mould and fashion of their being! And how many more yet shall flow, and shall so receive the measure of their being! Whilst thou art still the same: and all the things of to-morrow, and what ever is beyond it, and all the things of yesterday, and whatever is behind it, in this thy day, thou shalt make, and in this thy day, thou hast made, them. What doth it import me, if any understands not this? Let such a one praise thee, in saying; what meaneth this high mystery? Even so, let him praise thee; and rather chuse, in not ap∣prehending, to conceive nothing but right of thee,† than, in apprehending amiss, to conceive something be∣low thee.

CHAP VII

— And* of its sins; And his praising God for its good en∣dowments.

HEar, O God: wo, wo, unto the sins of Men; and Man confessing this, thou takest compassion of him; because thou hast made him, but yet madest not sin in him. O who can recount unto me the concealed sins of my unknown Infancy? from which none is pure in thy sight O Lord, not the child that is a day old. Who then can re∣present those my remote sins unto me? May not every other such litle one serve for this purpose, in whom I may easily read the faults I know not of my self? What then, in that first bud of my age, was my guilt? Was it crying so vehemently after the pap; and hanging so greedily upon the flowing breasts? which should I now in

like manner do, after my food, I should become both culpable, and ridiculous. Therefore then also I was so; but whilst yet I understood not reproof, neither reason nor custom suffered me to receive it. But yet more-grown, we weed out and cast away such humours; now, none do cleanse a vessel of that which is good. And, in that litle age, were these also commendable qualities? * to beg with tears what would have been, hurtfully, gran∣ted: * to rage and swell against People unobliged to it, its Elders, its betters; and even those, who first gave it life? to strive, with, strengthless, but malicious, blows, to wound those, that were far wiser than it self, for not obeying its commands, which could not be, but to its harm, observed? So that it is the debility of infants limbs, and not the mind of Infants, that is innocent. My self have seen and had experience of such a little one already possessed with jealousie; it had not learned to speak, and yet then would it cast a pale and envious as∣pect upon its indigent fellow-suckling. (A fault well known, and by the Mothers or Nurses expiated usually with I know not what remedies) unless I ought to call that, innocence; for one most rich in a fountain of milk, unexhausted and overflowing, not so much as to endure another to partake a litle with him, that is not able to make provision for it self, and that can sustain life only with this food. But such things are (then) indulgent∣ly tolerated, not because they are none, or no great, faults, but faults, that diminish, as years increase; which (though, then, we allow them) yet are they censured and detested, when they are discovered in a riper age.

Thou therefore (O Lord my God) who hast given life to this my infancy, and a body, which thou hast carefully fenced-about with subtile sense, strongly buil∣ded-up with pliant limbs, beautified with a comely fea∣ture, and implanted in it all vitall functions, for its uni∣versal preservation and safety, (so as we see it) Thou now dost command me, in, and for, all these, to celebrate thee, and to confess unto thee, and to sing unto thy name, O thou-most highest. Because thou art the God all-powerfull and all-good, and ever to be praised, though this only had been all that thou hadst done to me, this, which none else can do, besides thee; out of whose rich unity proceed all the severall shapes and fashions of being; who out of thy own fairnesse beautifiest all things, and

according to thy most righteous rule orderest all things.

This time of my life then, in which I do not remem∣ber so much as that I lived, known only by hear-say, and conjectured, from other infants, that I also once passed through it (though this a conjecture much assured) this time, I say, I am loth to account to the rest of the dayes which I live in this World; it being, in respect of the darkness of my oblivion, much like to that obscure part I passed, before it, in my Mothers womb. But if I was thus conceived in sin, and my Mother brought me forth in iniquity, where, I beseech thee, O my God, where, Lord, was I thy Servant? where, or when, innocent? But, behold, I pass over that time; for why should I stay longer upon it, which passed so swiftly by me, with∣out leaving in me of it the least impression?

CHAP. VIII.

An Account of his childhood, and his learning to speak.

ANd thus growing on, and passing from Infancy, I came into my childhood, or rather it came into me, and here succeeded Infancy; nor did that mean-while depart, for whither went it? and yet it was now no more; for I was now no more a speechlesse babe, but a pratling child. And this I can remember, and have since observed, how I learned to speak; which was, not * by being taught by art, as afterward I was forreign-language, by having the words ordered in a certain form and method of learn∣ing, but only * by the single use of my memory, and the na∣tural apprehension which thou my God gavest unto me: For, after I had first, by fits of crying, broken accents, and various motions of my skrewed limbs, attempted to ex∣pound my thoughts to those that might assist my desires, and yet was not able to explain my self in all things which, and to whom I had a minde; I recorded it first in my yet unwritten memory, when I heard them name any, thing; and, when they moved their body toward the thing named, I observed it; and collected that, that which they pronounced, was that thing which they shewed. And that they meant this thing I was assured by certain motions of the parts of their body, the common and natural language (as it were) of all nations, uttered in the habit of the countenance, glances of the eye, postures of the members, accents of the voice, which paint and expresse the in∣ward passion of the soul, in her desiring, fruition, hatred,

or pursuance, of things: so grew I shortly acquainted with many words (whilst they were in several sentences placed in the same fashion, and often again repeated) what particular things they did designe; and having by degrees tamed and broken my unacquainted mouth to a smooth, and ready articulation of them, by these notes I brought forth the long-suppressed conceptions of my soul. And, thus I began to enterchange these current signes of our conceits with the people amongst whom I lived, and so launched still farther out into the tempestuous society of humane life, being as yet wholly dependent on my pa∣rents pleasure, and the beck of my superiours.

CHAP. IX.

Of his * going to Schoole.

O God, my God; what miseries did I now encounter, and what impostures? When the way of right living, that was then proposed to me a childe, was, to be obedi∣ent to those, who instructed me, how to become glorious in this world; and how to excell in those verbose Arts, which guide the way to humane honours, and false-named wealth. And so, I was put to school, to get these Arts, and when, poor boy, I knew no profit of them, yet, was I mi∣serably beaten, if I profited not in them: And this hard usage was allowed of by my sage superiours; and many, that had trod that life afore us, had chalked out unto us these wearisome and craggy paths, through which we were constrained to follow them, with great pain and sor∣row thus endlessely multiplyed to the sons of Adam.

We little ones meanwhile observed, that men prayed unto thee; and we learnt of them to do the same; con∣ceiving thee (as far as we could apprehend) to be some great one, who, not appearing to our senses, couldst, not∣withstanding, hear and relieve our necessities. I began therefore, when yet a childe, to pray unto thee (my aid and refuge) and then first inured my unskill'd tongue to the invocating of thy holy name, and begged of thee (though a little one, with no little passion) that thou wouldest save me from whipping at School. And, not on∣ly, thou didst not hear me, in that which was inflicted on me for my good, but my elders also, and even my parents (far from wishing me any harm) made a jest of those my stripes, my then grievous and remediless evil. Is there O Lord, amongst thine, any so great a soul, and with so

strong a passion adhering to thee? Is there any, I say, who becomes (not out of a senseless stupidity, but) by an inseparable union to thee, so transported in his minde, as that he can sport at racks, and hooks, and a thousand such tortures (which all the world, with so much fear depre∣cates of thee) laughing at those, who tremble at these; in such a manner, as our parents mocked at those tor∣ments, which we children then suffered from our severe Masters? For, neither had we less horrour of these, than others of greater torments, nor importuned we thee less to escape them: Though meanwhile we were peccant in writing, or reading, or conning our lessons, less, than was exacted of us.

Nor was this peccancy in us, O Lord, from want of me∣mory, or wit (such as thou bestowest on that age) but, from an importunate lusting which we had after play; and they revenged this fault in us, who committed much what the same themselves. But our Superiors equall toyes are named business; and when boys-play is even the like, yet these are seourged for it by their overpow∣ring Master; and in this miscarriage, of things, no body pitties the poor Children, or them, or both. For, who is he that, weighing things well, can justify my being beaten, when I was a boy, for playing at ball; when, by such play, I was only hindred from a speedier attaining those vain arts, in which I should play farr more unbe∣seemingly, when I was Flder. Nor did he, by whom I was corrected, meanwhile do any thing better himself; who, if worsted, in any mean criticisme, by his fellow-teacher, was farr more racked with choler and envy, then I was with the same, when mastered in a match at ball by my Companions.

CHAP. X.

And* love of Play, with an aversion from his Book.

ANd yet I sinned (O Lord God, thou Ordainer and Creator of all things of nature, and only not the Ordainer of sin) O Lord my God I was too blame, in do∣ing then contrary to the will of my Parents, and of those my Preceptors; for I might have put that learning to good use, to which they bred me with another purpose. But my undutifulnesse arose not out of choice of some∣thing better, but meerly out of a lust to play; proudly aspiring to be a victor in my sports, over those that play∣ed

with me, and to have my ears tickled with false ap∣plause, that they might itch more hotly after it; the same, still-more and more perillous curiosity now begin∣ning to sparkle through my wanton eyes toward the shews and playes of the more aged. The Donors of which flou∣rish afterward in so grand a reputation; that almost all the spectators fore-wish the same honour (one day) to their little ones. And yet they are well content, they should be whipt, if, by such shews, they are seduced from their study, by which studies they desire their sons may one day arrive to present such shews. Look upon these things, O Lord, with thy pitty; and deliver us, who now call upon thee: and deliver them also, who do not yet call upon thee; that they also may call upon thee, and thou maist deliver them.

CHAP. XI.

Of his * sicknesse, and, in it, * his desiring Baptism; for what reason, upon hopes of his recovery, deferred by his Mother.

FOr I had heard somewhat, yet a childe, of life eternal, that was promised unto us by the humility of thy Son, our Lord God, descending hither be∣cause of our pride; and I was already signed with the signe of his Cross, and was seasoned with his† salt, even from my mothers womb, a woman, who put much hope in thee.

And thou sawest, O Lord, I happening then to be pain∣ed at my stomack, and suddenly seized with a violent Ca∣lenture near unto death, thou sawest O my God, (for even then wast thou my Guardian) with what passion of minde, and with what faith, I importuned the piety of my own mother, and of our common mother, thy Church, for the Baptism of thy Christ, my Lord and God. And this much-perplexed mother of my flesh (who now travailed far more dearly, in the womb of her chast heart, of the se∣cond birth of my eternal salvation, by her faith in thee, than before she had done of my temporal) was taking

care, that, with all speed, I should be initiated and purged with the salutary† Sacraments, confessing thee, O Lord Jesus, for remission of sins; But that I had a suddain reco∣very; upon which, this my cleansing was, for that time, deferred; although it could not be avoided, but that, if I lived longer, I should be yet more defiled, and so the guilt contracted from the renewed pollutions of sins, after that holy lavatory, would have become greater far, and far more dangerous.

Thus, then, I believed in thee, and she, and the whole family excepting my Father, who yet could not oversway in me the just power of my mothers piety, to make me not believe in Christ, as he at that time believed not in him. For, it was her holy endeavour, that thou, my God, shouldest be my Father, more than He: and thou assistedst her herein to overcome her husband. To whom, in other things, she, though much better, yielded all obedience; because she was to yield all obedience to thee, and this obedience to her husband was commanded by thee.† For what reason, O my God, I would fain know, was this my Baptism at that time delayed? and whether for any my greater good, were the reins of my sinning longer left loose upon me? For if they were not then left loose, whence is it that on every side we do still hear it said of such and such: Let him alone, let him do what he will, for he is not yet baptized? and yet, concerning corporal sanity, we say not, Let him yet receive more wounds, for he is not yet cured of the former? How much better had it been for me, to have been so early healed! and that, with my own, and my friends strict care, the health of my soul, thus restored, might have been ever after kept entire, by thy preserving what thou hadst restored? This, surely, had been much the better. But that my good Mother, al∣ready foreseeing, how many, and how great, billows of temptations, after my childhood spent, were ready to as∣sault, and to ore-set my more unbridled youth, chose ra∣ther to expose to their blows, me now before baptism, as yet a lump of rude clay, which, by it, afterward might be new moulded, than me, when by the Sacraments, thy new-formed image, which so perchance might happen to be defaced.

CHAP. XII.

Of his sins and errours at School, and of their's that in∣structed him.

YEt in this my childhood (far less feared for miscar∣riage, than more head-strong youth) I hated study; and, yet more, to be pressed to it; and yet I was forced to it; and well that I was so; but in that forced studying I did not well; who learned only from constraint; for none doth well, what he doth unwillingly; though it be well, what he doth. (But neither did those, that urged me so in it, do well; but it was thou only, O my God, in it, that didst well unto me) for they, who so earnestly urged me unto it, saw not to what good use I might employ it, save only to go about to satisfie the unsatiable desires of wealthy poverty, and ignominious glory.

But thou, by whom the very hairs of our head are all num∣bred, meanwhile didst make good use of all our errours, △ of their errour, in forcing me, * to my profit; and △ of mine, in being averse from it, * to my punishment; which I well deserved, being so little a childe, and so great a sin∣ner. So thou didst well unto me, by those, who did not well: and didst as justly take revenge on me, in that very thing wherein I did amisse. For thou hast appointed, and so it is; that every inordinate affection should be to it self, its own torment.

CHAP XIII.

Of his hating Greek, and other necessary learning, and affection to Poetry and fables.

BUt why at that time I should so much hate Greek, I do not yet well understand; for Latine I liked very well, I mean not, that which our first Masters spell unto us, but that which the Grammarians teach; for that first learning, to Read, and Write, and cast up an Ac∣count, I thought as afflicting and vexatious as the Greek? And whence this also, but from sin, and the vanity of this life? Because I was flesh, and a wind that passeth away and cometh not again. For that first learning was for the better, because truer, and more certain (which enrich∣ed me with a faculty necessary, and as easily retained, whereby I both read now what I finde written, and write, my self, what I have a minde) than this other, in which

I learnt, and was enjoyned, to remember, the errors and wandrings of, I know not what, Aeneas, forgetful of my own errors; and shed tears for the death of one Dido, who killed herself for love, when meanwhile I beheld my self, in these amorous toyes, perishing from thee (O God my life) with dry eyes: miserable, Creature, as I then was; for what is more miserable than one that is in misery, and yet hath no commiseration of himself? sadly bewailing wanton Dido's death, caused by excesse of love to Aeneas, and never deploring his own death, caused by want of love to thee?

O God the glorious light of my heart, and delicate food of the inner mouth of my soul, and celestiall power, that now espouseth my mind, possessing the bosome of my thoughts, I did not then love thee, and went a whore∣ing from thee, and to this my fornication it was ecchoed on every side, Euge, Euge, well-done, well-done, for the friendship of this world is fornication against thee. And they cry, well-well-done; that a shame to-be-ashamed-of may possess him, who is not such a one, as they com∣mend. And these things I lamented not, but lamented despairing perishing-Dido,

Didonem extinctam, ferroque extrema secutam.

My self following the same extremities, even the lowest of thy creatures and forsaking thee; earth tending toward earth; and when I was forbiden to read these things, I was grieved, because I read not, what might make me grieve. And yet such foolery as this was ac∣counted by me farr more gentile and polite Science, ••han that whereby I learnt to write and read.

But now let my God say unto my soul, and let thy truth tell me, 'tis otherwise; and the former learning is far the better of the two; for I shall sooner, and had ra∣ther, forget, Aeneas his travells, and all such like toyes, than to write and read.

I therefore when a boy did sin, in preferring, in my fond affection, these empty things before those useful; or rather in hating the one, whilst I doted on the other. For then, One and one makes two; two and two four, was an odious repetition to me; Whilst, the wooden Horse lined with armed men, and the flaming funeralls of Troy, and lost Creusa's ghost were most ravishing Idols of my vanity.

CHAP. XIIII.

WHy then hated I the Greek tongue, presenting me with the like fictions? for learned Homer, hath likewise curiously woven such like pleasant-tales, and is, in his poems, wost sweetly-vain, but yet was very bitter to me when a school boy, and so is Virgil, I be∣lieve, to the youth of Greece, when forced to learn him with so much difficulty, as I did the other. For the hardness of attaining a forreign-tongue did, as it were, oresprinkle with gall all the sweets of such fabulous sto∣ries. For I knew not the words of that language, and meanwhile was frighted with cruell terrors and tortures to learn to know them. 'Tis true also, that once (in my Infancy) I understood no Latine: But this tongue I easily learned by observation only, without fear or stripes, a∣midst the flatterings of my nurses, and the chat of my play-fellows. And so I learned that tongue without the penall task of constraint, my surcharged heart sufficient∣ly pressing me to a speedy delivery of its conceptions in the like expressions, which I learned not from those that taught, but that talked with, me; in whose ears I did al∣so bring-forth, whatever my mind preconceived. Whence it appears, that such things are better learnt from a free unspurred curiosity, than from a timorous necessity. But yet the one well qualifies and bridles the over-loos∣ness of the other, in the wise restraint of thy good laws, O God, upon us; which from the Masters ferula, to the tryals of Martyrs, do intermix and infuse those wholsom bitternesses, which may reduce us still unto thee, from the infectious sweets, that allure us to depart from thee.

CHAP. XV.

His offering up to God the fruits of his learning.

O Lord hear my prayer; let my soul never faint under thy discipline; nor grow-weary in confessing thy mercies unto thee; by which thou hast drawn me out of all my wicked wayes; that thou thy self mightest be∣come delicious unto me, above all those charming se∣ducements which I have heretofore pursued; and that I might love thee entirely, and kiss thy delivering hand with all the bowels of my affection, that thou maist yet

rescue me out of all temptation, even to the end.

For behold (O Lord my King) may it now be for thy service, whatever useful thing my childhood hath learnt! may it be for thy service, that I speak—write—read—account! Because; in my learning vain things, thou didst not cease to discipline me; and, after my delighting in those vanities, thou hast forgiven me my sin. For I leanrt in them many useful words, but these also may be as well learnt, in things not vain, and that a far safer way, wherein to guide the un∣wary steps of yet-unseasoned youth.

CHAP. XVI.

Inveighing-against*lascivious Fables.

BUt wo unto thee, precipitous torrent of humane cu∣stome! who shall stop thy heady course? how long ere thy pernicious streams be dried up? How long shall these carry down the sons of Eve into that huge, and dread∣full Ocean, over which, those that are best embarked, are with hazard transported? Have I not read in thee, both of a thundering, and of an adulterating, Jove? Not, that these two were ever really coincident to the same God; but thus feigned, that man might have some authority, to imitate the true adultery, being countenanced by that fa∣bulous thunder... These poetical fictions, transferring hu∣mane passions to the Gods, or, (to say more truly) make∣ing gods of most flagitious men, that such crimes might no more be esteemed crimes; and men committing them might be said to imitate, not the most debauched of men, but the most supreme of Deities.

And yet, O thou infernal stream, the children of men are daily thrown into thee, with great rewards to their Teach∣ers, for compassing such learning; they receiving, beyond private wages, also publick salaries: whilst meanwhile, horrid gulf, thou beatest thy rocks, and makest a roaring noise, saying; here is pure language learned; here elo∣quence; so necessary for maintaining your own opinions, or oreswaying other mens. Should we never then have known these elegant words, Imbrem aureum, & Gremium, & fucum, & templa coeli, and the like, unless Terence had introduced a lascivious youth, proposing to himself Jove for a pattern of whoring; whilst in surveying a t••blet on the wall, he found therein this lascivious picture. How (they say) Jupiter upon a time once showred into Danae's lap a golden rain, and so deceived the gold-enamoured maid:

and thence see how he heightens his lust, from that divine copy of it as it were. And what God was it (sayes he) that did this rape? was it not he that makes the arched Temples of heaven tremble with his ecchoing thunder? and may not I then, a frail tempted mortal, do the same? yes sure, I did it, and that well-pleased. Nor happens it, from this unclean discourse, that those words are any whit better learned; but by these words (conveying it) such uncleanness is more impudently attempted. Not that I blame, * the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels, but * the wine of error, which is ministred in them unto us children, by our fore-intoxicated Masters; of which if we refuse to drink, we are beaten, and have no sober Judge, to whom we may appeal. But I, O my God, (in whose presence my remembrance of these things is now fear-less and secure) I poor wretch then swallowed those potions most willingly, and with great delight; and for this was called a hopeful boy.

CHAP. XVII.

—And * the mis-use of his wit;

PErmit me also, O my God, to say something of my wit, thy gift, on what foolish labours it was then employed; for then was set me a task (very vexatious to my spirit) upon the price of applause, or shame, and fear of whipping, to render raging Juno's speech, when she so dolefully la∣mented Non posse Italia Teucrorum avertere Regem. that she could not from Italy divert the Trojan Prince: (which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we, tracing errour, were forced to follow the footsteps of such poetick fictions) and to vary into prose, what he expressed in verse: and he did it with best applause, who (retaining the dignity of the person represented) could reach to an higher strain of the like passion, of anger, and sorrow, with an agreeable sense handsomely dressed in an apt expression.

And what happiness was it to me (O thou my true life, my God) that my Exercise should be pre-applauded beyond many my coequals? Behold, are not all such things fume and vanity? And was there then no other better thing, wherein to have exercised our wit and eloquence? Even thy praises, O Lord, thy praises in thy more holy writings, these might have been a divine subject for the tender branch of my spreading fancy to have clasped a∣bout,

and depended upon, without, * being trailed on the ground amongst such empty trifles, and * having its fruit made a filthy prey to those ravenous spiritual fowls of the air. For many wayes there are, whereby the precious fruits of our youth become a sacrifice to those unclean spirits.

CHAP. XVIII.

Misguided by vicious example, and more ashamed of the breach of Grammar-rules, than of Gods Law.

BUt, what wonder was it, if I was thus carried away through vanities, and went out from thy presence, O my God; when such men only were proposed to my imitati∣on, who, if they should relate any of their actions (though not ill) with any barbarisme or solecisme, being censured for it, were abashed and confounded; but, if they should, in a round and well-cohering stile, fluently and neatly expresse, though one of their culpable lusts, being applaud∣ed for this, became exalted with pride. This thou seest, O Lord, and holdest thy peace, long-suffering, and abundant in goodnesse and truth. And wilt thou alwayes hold thy peace? No; but thou drawest out of this swallowing deep, the soul that seeketh after thee, and thirsteth after thy chaster delights, and whose heart saith unto thee, I have sought thy face, and (Lord) thy face will I seek. But, I then was departed far away from the light of thy countenance in my own darkned affections. For 'tis not by motion, or measuring of place, that we recede from thee, or re∣turn to thee. For, that thy prodigal younger son in the Gospel, did he procure himself either horses, or chariots, or ships? winged he himself, to fly, or girded he up his loins, to run, into a far countrey, there lavishly to wast the portion, thou gavest him at his setting-forth? (a kind Father, that sentest him forth so rich, and yet far more kind, when he returned to thee so poor.) No: but his departure from thee was, in his erring mind, and his cour∣sing after strange-lusts; by which the soul becomes darken∣ed and benighted; and this darkness is caused by going-far-off from the light of thy countenance, O Lord.

Behold then O Lord, and with patient eyes, as thou art wont, behold, how scrupulously the sons of men do observe the laws even of letters and syllables, received from those that, before them, have so accented and pronounced them; and yet so carelesly neglect the eternal laws of their ever∣lasting

health, received from thee; so that a Professor or a Scholler of the former traditions of pronuntiation, if, contrary to the law of Grammar, he should but, without an aspirate, speak this word [Ominem] that signifies a man, he should more displease men, than if, contrary to thy law, he hate a man (when himself is one): as though he ought to think a man that is his enemy a more harmful thing to him, than his own hatred is, by which he is incensed against him; or, as though he did more mischief unto another man by persecuting him, than he doth to his own soul, by hating him; certainly that science of letters is not more innate, than this law inscribed in our conscience, Not to do, to any other, what, from another, we are loth to suffer.

O how secret, and undiscovered thou art, dwelling on high, in silence (God only great) and from thence, with an unwearied hand, sprinkling, here, penal cecity upon law∣lesse lust. For, one ambitious to be counted eloquent, when he stands before a mortal Judge, surrounded with a crowd of mortals, and there with implacable wrath declaims-against his enemy, takes extream care, lest, by an errour of his tongue, he chance to say [inter hominibus] to signifie amongst men; but takes no heed, standing also, at the same time, before thee, lest, by a worse fault of his furious passion, he happen to destroy a man from amongst men.

CHAP. XIX.

Of his lyes to his Governours; thefts from his Parents; cheating of his play-fellows.

IN the road of these customs lay I, wretched Boy; and upon this stage of vanity I plaid such prizes; where I far more feared to let-fall a solecisme, than (when I com∣mitted any) to envy him, that made none. I declare now, and confesse these faults unto thee, O my God; for the which they commended me, whom I thought it all vertue to please. For, I discerned not that gulf of filthinesse, wherein I then lay, cast out of the sight of thine eyes; for to those holy pure eyes what could appear more loth∣some than I, who became so displeasing also to others; whilst, with innumerable lyes, I deceived both my School∣masters and Parents, out of love to play; desire to see, and inquietude to imitate, toyes.

Thefts also I committed, out of my Fathers Cellars, and from his Table, either to content my intemperance, or, to have something to give to other boyes, that cunningly sold

that play to me, with which they were no less delighted, than my self. In which gaming also I often sought victory, even by foul-play; being my self miserably overcome with a vain desire of overcoming others: and what did I more unwillingly suffer, or more freely taxed, when ere I disco∣vered it in others, than that, which I used my self to others? & if I were reprehended, when caught doing the same, I thought it far more gallant in such a case, to quarrel, than confesse.

Is this that childrens-innocency? It is not, O Lord; O Lord, it is not. I implore thy mercy, O my God; For these are the very same faults that are acted over and over again, from our being first in subjection to pedagogues and Schoolmasters, and our winning, of balls, and nuts, and sparrows; to that our subjection afterward, to Magistrates and Princes, and our gaining of gold, and mannours, and slaves; and these smaller vanities do magnifie only by the progresse of age into greater toyes; as our ferula, then, is after followed with greater punishments. Thou therefore, O our King, didst only recommend the emblem of humili∣ty, in the little and low stature, not in the vertue, of this age, when thou saidst; of such is the kingdom of heaven.

CHAP. XX.

His praising God for the many good endowments of his childhood.

ANd yet, O Lord, thanks be to thee, the most excellent builder, and great commander, of all this Universe, our God, although thou hadst only preferred me to this perfection of a childe. For, then I had a Being, had life, had sense, and an innate providence for the general safety of this my individual, being a copy of that most secret unity of thine, from which I had my being; then I kept a guard also, upon the acts of my outward, with my more inward, senses; and then, in the smallest objects, and my sensations of them, I delighted in truth, and hated to be deceived. Then was I enriched with a potent memory, to retain things, and speech to deliver them, and sociable∣nesse, to converse; avoided grief, and basenesse, and igno∣rance. and what was there in such a wisely-built creature, as this, not adm rable and amiable?

But all those things are the gifts of my God, I be∣stowed them not upon my self; and good they are, and they are my self. Good is he therefore that so made me, and he is my goodnesse, and to him I rejoyc't in all those good things, by which I was made even so worthy a

creature, as a Child is. Whose sin only was, that I sought my self, and these other delights, sublimities, and truths, not in Him, but in his creatures; and so, in my unhappy quest after them, in lieu of them, light upon sorrow, and shame, and errour. Meanwhile, thanks be unto thee, my sweet-delight, and my glory, and my confidence, my God, Thanks be unto thee for those thy good gifts; but do thou keep them for me; for so shalt thou keep me also, and these things shall still encrease and grow to perfection, which thou hast given me; and so shall I also be in thy custody, because even my being is one gift, which I have received from thee.

Notes

• Psal. 145.3. & 147.5.
• Jam. 4.6.
• Rom. 10.14. Psal. 22.26. Mat. 7.7.
• Psal. 139.7.
• Rom. 11.36.
• Jer. 23.24.
• Act. 2.18.
• Ps. 18.31.
• ‖

  Or; Whereln the very dumb say somthing, and such as say most, say nothing.
• Psal. 35.3. Exo. 33.20. Or; with longing to see it.
• Psal. 19.12. Psal. 116.10. Psal. 32.6. Psal. 26.12. vulg.
• Psal. 130.3.
• Gen. 18.27.
• Psal. 25.16.
• Psal. 62.1.
• Psal. 100.2.
• Ps. 83.18. Psal. 102.26.
• Psal. 102.26.
• Psal. 102.26.
• †

  That is; that thou art in∣compre∣hensible.
• Job. 25.
• Psal. 192.1.
• Psal. 51.5.
• †

  A custom in primitive times, to put salt into the mouthes of the Catechu∣meni, intimating a spiri∣tual pre-seasoning of them for the reception of the grace of Baptisme (see 3. l. Con. Carthag. 5. can.) and being a symbol of in∣corruption. See Ezek. 16.4, 5. Mark 9.49. in latter times this ceremo∣ny was used to the newly baptized.
• †

  Eucha∣rist, as well as Baptism, in those dayes gi∣ven to Infants.
• †

  Men ba∣ptized in their sick∣ness were by the Ca∣non pro∣hibited sacred Or∣ders, be¦cause their Baptisme seemed ne∣cessitated.
• Mat. 10, 3.
• Psal. 78.39.
• Jam. 4.4.
• Aeneid. 6. lib.
• Gen. 4.16
• Ps. 27.9. Vulg. Rom. 1.21.
• Luk. 15.
• Matth. 19.14.