Saint Hillaries teares, shed upon all professions, from the iudge to the petty fogger, from the spruce dames of the exchange, to the durty walking fishmongers, from the Coven-Garden lady of iniquity, to the Turnebal-Streete-trull, and indeed, from the Tower-stairs to Westminster-Ferry, for want of a stirring midsomer terme, this yeare of disasters, 1642 written by one of his secretaries that had nothing else to do.

SAINT HILLARIES TEARES.

WHat? Middsomer? How comes it then the Sunne, and Moone, of Gold and Silver, which had wont to dis∣perse their radiant luster with greater brightnesse, and consolation then those that shine i'th Zodiacke, have now withdrawne their splendor, and left us in this Cimmerian night of small takings? A Terme so like a vacation? you would take them to be the Gemini, which constellation never appeares but out of darknesse, There is no plague to fright away the Termers, unlesse it be that plague of plagues, want of trading, which their money would easily cure.

At Westminster Hall wherein pristine ages you might without offence shoulder a Lord to get through the presse, now you may walke in the same posture a Justice of peace doth in his owne great Hall at the ex∣amination of a Delinquent, play with your bandstrings, and twist your beard with the same gravity, and not an elbow-rub to disturbe you, The Benchers better halfe empty, and those few Judges left have time enough to get a nap, and no noise to awake them, The barr•• that had wont to swell with a fivefould row of listed gownes, where the favorites in the front imburs'd more Fees then would supply an Army, and the rest (by Lady) had good doings, a motion or a short cause to open, are now so empty that boyes may peepe over them, The surly Tipstaves and messengers whom your best Oratory, and money to boote, would hardly perswade to admit you within the bench-roome, stands looking over the dore as it were through a Pillory, to aske you Sir shall I open? and for the teaster you give him, kisses his hand and scrapes you a leg, as fawningly, as a hungry Spanill takes a bone from his master, The Lawyers in stead of perusing the breviates, and reduc∣ing

the matter in question to Cases, now buying up all the pamphlets, and dispersing themselves into corners to reade them, thereby to keepe their tongues in use, lest the faculties of brawling should be dried up with unwilling silence.

The prime Court the Chancery, (wherein the Clerks had wont to dash their clients out of countenance with long dashes, The examiners to take the depositions in Hyperboles, and round about Robin-hood circumstances, with saids and aforesaids to enlarge the number of streets, The Registers to whom you used to come, in the same equipage as if you had a suit to the councell board, and had this ready answeare, well you must waite till the latter end o'th terme) now as silent as a Puritan conventicle when the lights are out, no waiting, no Hyperbo∣les, no Dashes, nor any imployment, towards maintenance of Taffata, Sack, Wenches, and other the usuall prodigalities, and luxuries, where∣unto the Gentlemen that practise there are addicted. That Court that hath beene knowne to decree pro, reveiw, and decree Con, hath the Bar now empty of Pro's, and Con's, no wrangling, no noyse but the lamen∣tation of my Lords escape.

The Court of Requests to whom so many thousands of loyall, faith∣full, and obedient Subjects have come humbly complayning, and shew∣ing, can shew you at this present no subject but his owne humble com∣plaint, you that knew it when the necessity of over great imployment, caused it to double the number of its Clarkes, and they to treble theirs, when it was solicited by petitions as numberlesse as Hops, or Ants, which all her Welsh kindred had brought two hundred and twelve and and twenty miles, to get admitted in Forma pauperis, and thereby en∣abled to doe more mischiefe then the best purs't Clyents in England, would wonder how it should tumble from such a throng, to such a va∣cation of imployment. That that Court that hath made two hundred Orders in one cause, should be in danger not to have one cause to Order, It is me thinks a lamentable change.

The Ministers of the Court of Wards, doe all weare mourning liveries in their faces, as if Fate had granted out writs in the nature of a Diem clausit extremum, after the death of Feoda multa, to find their Offices for Vacua plurima, And of all Courts else the Chequers must needs come within the limitation of this calamity, because they stand so much for the King, and in that predicament is the Kings Bench, marry if any thrive it must needs be the Common Pleas, for as the times goe nothing stands stiffe, but what pertaines to the Commons and yet they meete with revolts too as well as the rest.

On both sides of the Hall they complaine, At Heaven they say ther's not a Lawier no Clerke comes neere them: And at hell where they had wont to flock like Swallowes to a Reede bush, they come but drop∣ping in now and then one, as apportunity of businesse makes them able, the Coaches which had wont to rumble up and downe as they would chalenge Heaven to thunder for a wager, and did use to lie in the Pallace yard, and before the Innes of Court gates, like so many Bus∣ses, or fleetes of fisherboats in harbour, pearing over the haven keyes, now seeme like westerne Barges on the Thames at a high tide, here and there one.

And you are no sooner out of the Hall-yard but entring into Kings streete, you finde the Cookes leaning against the Dore-postes, rumi∣nating upon those Halcion Termes, when whole herds of Clerks, So∣licitors and their Clyents, had wont to come with their sharpe-set noses, and stomacke, from the Hall, and devoure the Puddings, and minc't Pyes by dozins, as swiftly as a kennell of Hounds would worry up a dead Horse, And now the Courts are risen before they are hun∣gry, The Tavernes, where an Iron Mill would hardly have drown'd the noise of the yawling boyes, the Bar-bell, the fidling, and roreing a∣bove staires, now so silent you may rock a child asleepe: The spruce Mistris that had wont to sit in the Bar, domineering over the Drawers, and not to be spoken withall if you would kisse her arse to speake with her, now so familiar, bids you so heartily welcome, and will come and joyne her halfe pint with yee, and let you salute her, and thanke you, And thinke it very well if all that courtesie will invite you to mount the reckoning to a pottle, The Ale-houses and Tobacko-shops are growne sweete for want of takings, you may walke by them without danger of being choack't.

All along the strand, (lodgings being empty) you shall finde the house-keepers generally projecting where to borrow, and what to pawne, towards payment of their quarters rents, thereby to preserve their Leases from forfeiture, and themselves, from the tyranny of their sterne Landlords, who are very infidells in trusting, and will not for∣beare a minute; Nay the mischiefe on't is, there are no Courtiers nor bad paymaisters to curse, and raile at for want of money, and that's the heaviest torment of all.

If you step aside into Coven-Garden, long Acre, and Drury Lane, where those D••ves of Venus, those Birds of youth, and beauty, (the wanton Ladies) doe build their nests, you shall finde them in such a dump of amazement, to see the hopes of their trading frustrate, their

beauties decaied for want of meanes to procure Pomatum, and Fucus, Their eyes which like glistering comets had wont to dazle their Idolaters, now shadowed with clowds of griese, their golden tresses which had wont to flag about their shoulders, like so many ensignes in Cupides Regiment, and every haire thereof had a servant or visitant, which did superstitiously dote on it, now for want of curling, and or∣dering growne to the fashion of an Irish rugge, And what a misery it is to see the Velvets, Sattins, and Taffaties, nay the curious smockes, sent to the brokers, and the whole wardrope that was purchast with so large a proportion of free favours, and communities, now reduc't to one pore tufted holland suit? It is not pitty to see them (pore soules) who had wont to shine like so many constellations in the Firmament of the suburbs, and be hurried in Coaches to the Tavernes, and Sparagus Gardens, where ten or twenty pounds suppers were but trifles with them, should now goe to the Chandlers, and herbe-wives in slip-shooes, for Cheese and Onions to dinner? Well content your selves, (you at∣tractive Load-stones, of delicious and smooth damnation) And doubt∣lesse the Arch-angell my successor, will bring your angells to redeeme all, And your Champions and Cavaliers, will returne with their pockets doubly furnisht, for you are as sure of them as they are of your diseases, They are now but only purchasing, and laying up for you against their comming home, This dearth of traffique, is but a prepara∣tion to a large mart to follow, and this devowring winter of penury, doth but presage a lively spring in the hot blouds of the young Gal∣lantry, which when it comes, you shall againe enjoy those blessings of Wine, musique, good clothes, money, and dainty fare, be enabled to pay your rayling Land-ladies, and desie the beadle with as much impu∣dence, as ever you did.

Well from you, I must follow the steps of many an old Letcherous Citizen, and walke into London, where at the Exchange, the onely question that is ask't is what newes? not from Aleppo, Constantinople the Straits, or Indies, but from Yorke, Ireland, and the Parliament, the answer is, why the King is still obstinate, wee shall have all our throats cut, those Expicurean throats of ours are doom'd to be cut, for swallowing so many luxurious cates, we had neede to prick up our eares, and elevate our broad overgrown hornes for the safty of our selves estates and children, marry as for our Wives, they know well enough already, the danger of Courtiers, and Cavaliers, and therefore dare meete the roughest Gamester of them all in any posture what∣soever.

From hence I travell to Guild-Hall, where I finde the Lawyers com∣plaining of infinite numbers of Banckerouts, men so far decayed in estate, that they will compound to pay more then halfe, confesse judg∣ments, render their bodies to prison, prostitute their wives, or any thing rather then stand out the prosecution of a suit at Law.

Then at the Halls of every severall Company, where in former ages, all the Elements would scarce afford variety, to please the ingenu∣ous gluttony of one single feast, now you shall heare the meaner sort of Tradesmen, cursing those devowring Foxes, the Masters, and War∣dens, for the infinite charge their insatiate stomackes do put them to; from hence goe to their particular shops, where there is nothing a∣mongst the Tradesmen, but condoling the want of the Courtiers mony, and their wives and daughters almost distracted for want of their company, There are no upstart Gallants, to draw into their bookes, no yongb heires to exchange shopware for Lordships withall, nor any trading ut one with another, in which they are so familiarly acquainted with each others knaveries, that alas, their gaines are as good as nothing: And amongst them all that quintessence of un∣questionable simplicity, the very spirit of villany, extracted out of all compounded villanies, That Masterpeece or Idea of dissimulation, which nature made her example to portraicture a Rogue by, the Round∣head, who had wont to eate and pray, for the propagation of the Brethren and sisters, of the sedicious faction, now is invoking of curses, upon the malignant party, (the Achi••ophells as hee calls them of the Kings Counsell) hee sneakes into the corners of the City, and after a licking of his lipps, a spitting, and a casting up his ugly eyes towards the place hee is not worthy to looke at hee whispers a tale through his rotten Nose, of a great danger that is falling upon the Kingdome, And strange discoveries of imminent mischiefes, which had happened if by some providence towards the Brethren of the selected sedition, and for their sakes onely it had not beene prevented, And then at length he tells you, that if the Prince were but at Saint Jameses, there would be something done that Saint Hillary dares not repeate after him: This thin-jaw'd, illooking, hungry rascall, this betle-brow'd, hollow-ey'd, longnos'd, wide-mouth'd cur: This carrion that stincks worse then the corrupted River of Egypt, This Cockatrise that hath hatch't more Serpentine distempers, then all the grave wisdome of a pregnant Kingdome can pacifie, hath beene the sole cause of poore S. Hillaries Teares; Who would thinke that this Ideot, this Fathomlesse bellyed, Thingutted Snake should begin to hisse, and show his sting,

before the glorious splendor of those excellent worthies of our hope∣full Parliament, could have leasure to disperse it selfe upon this star∣ved Kingdome, that this Owle, this Buzzard, should be the instrument to bring clouds upon all their proceedings, and yet without doubt will be the first that will oppose, and curse them, when they shall please to declare that in the title of Puritane, they never entended, blew-apron Preachers, Brownist, or Anabaptist; And yet this seeme confi∣dent, impudent, malignant, twenty times dam'd Heretique dares attri∣bute all their favour to himselfe, well may Saint Hillaries curse pursue him: Nay the unquenchable zeale of his next Prayer, prolong the nonsence and foolery thereof to so large a measure of time, that all the Roast-meate be burn't off the spit, before hee have done, the White-broth boyled dry, and the stew'd and back't meate scorch't to cin∣cers, (which in his opinion is one of the greatest earthly curses that can befall him) May his wife be catch't in the spirituall act of her next carnall copulation, that all the World may discover what yet they carry so closely, may the fervency of his hot zeale to the younger sisters burne his reines, and kindneyes to ashes, and in stead of an Hos∣pitall let him be cast into the Sawpit hee so often defiled under pre∣tence of edification, Let him be burried amongst the Dunghills, as not worthy to come neere the Church he so abused, where none may finde his grave but Dogs to pisse against it, may the ashes of his loath'd car∣case be collected from the pestiferous urne, by Murderers and Mounte∣bancks, to mix with their killing potions, And may no poysons ever hereafter be operative, but what is compounded with that infernall dust that as he liv'd to the confusion of all goodnesse, and vertue, so hee may after death be knowne or mentioned by no other notion, then some fateboading character, that brings with it the dreadfull summons of a woefull horrour to ensue, till which end be fallen upon him we shall never see day of good trading againe, but when it is accomplish't S. Hillary will make a Holiday, and in stead of his Teares will send you himnes and madrigalls for joy of the Roundheads confusion, and your more full imployment.

FINIS.