Delight and pastime, or, Pleasant diversion for both sexes consisting of good history and morality, witty jests, smart repartees, and pleasant fancies, free from obscene and prophane expressions, too frequent in other works of this kind, whereby the age is corrupted in a great measure, and youth inflamed to loose and wanton thoughts : this collection may serve to frame their minds to such flashes of wit as may be agreeable to civil and genteel conversation / by G.M.

MISCELLANEA; OR, Wise and Ingenious Sayings, &c.

Of PRINCES.

I.

GREAT was the Freedom the ancient Greeks took with their Princes, even to the Reproach of their Vices; and some of these were wise enough not to take it ill: Witness the Story of a Grecian Lady, and PHILIP King of Macedon. Which King newly risen from Table, his Head intoxicated with the Liquor he had drunk, wronged the Lady in a Concern she brought before him. Whereupon she ap∣pealed from his Judgment, To whom? said the King; To Philip, reply'd she, when Sober. This made him Recollect himself; and upon due Consideration, finding him∣self

in the wrong, he altered his Judg∣ment in the Lady's behalf.

II.

The same King, having some Courtiers about him, who endeavoured to perswade him to punish a Man of great Worth, as having spoken ill of him, I must first exa∣mine (says he) whether I have deserved it, or not. At last he found, that the Party had never receiv'd any Favour from him, thô he highly deserved it. Upon which he sent him great Presents; and 'twas not long before he heard, that the same Man spoke much to his Praise. You see, then said the King to the same Courtiers, that I know better than you do how to silence De∣traction. To which he added, that Prin∣ces had it in their Power to get the Love of their Subjects when they pleased; and, if they were not beloved, 'twas their own Fault.

III.

PHILIP contending with an able Musi∣cian about an Air, 'Twere great pity (said the Musician to him) that you should be so Ʋnhappy as to know this better than I do. A proper Lesson for Men in Dignity, not to affect excelling in some sorts of Know∣ledg.

IV.

King Philip's Wife, Mother of Alexan∣der the Great, hearing that her Son called

himself the Son of Jupiter, and was wor∣shipped as a God, did put a shrewd Jeer upon him, For she sent him word, and pray'd him, not to bring her into Trouble with the Goddess Juno.

V.

ALEXANDER, being at Delphos to consult the Oracle, forced Apollo's Priestess into the Temple, upon an unlawful Day. She cry'd out, and made what Resistance she could, but in vain. At last says she to Alexander, Thou art Invincible. This Ora∣cle, answered he, will serve my Turn, and so let her go. Thus the Priestess's Words, extorted by his Violence, passed for an Oracle.

VI.

Darius, King of Persia, having offered his Daughter, with half his Kingdom, to ALEXANDER, Parmenio his Favourite told him, Were I Alexander, I would ac∣cept of Darius his Offer. So would I, re∣plied Alexander, if I were Parmenio.

VII.

When ALEXANDER lay dying, some of his Courtiers asked him, where he had laid up his Treasures. You will find them, says he, in my Friends Purses. Whereby he insinuated, that he had got no Trea∣sures, but what he had freely (as fast as he had got them) disposed of amongst

his Friends; and that he did not question but they would supply therewith one ano∣ther, when Occasion served.

VIII.

King ANTIGONƲS, having made a strict League with the Athenians, they offered one of his Servants the Freedom of their City. By no means, said the King, I will not suffer him to accept of that Honour, lest that being some Day or other in a Passion, I should be so unhappy as to beat an Athenian.

IX.

King PIRRHƲS, having twice over∣come the Romans, and finding his Army much weakned by such Victories, I am un∣done, says he, if I get a third Victory.

X.

Dionysius, Tyrant of Syracusa, was a Prince who freely ridiculed the Supersti∣tion and Idolatry which reigned in his Time amongst the Greeks. He was for making use of those Offerings that were made to the Idols, which they had no Occasion for. The Cloak of Gold which Hieron sent to the Statue of Jupiter Olym∣pius he took, and gave instead of it one made of Wool, saying, That a Cloak of Gold was both too cold in Winter, and too warm in Summer. Aesculapius his Statue had a Beard of Gold, which he clipt off, say∣ing, That it was not decent for the Son to

have a Beard, being his Father Apollo had none.

XI.

Dionysius had a Son, who had violated a Lady of Syracusa. Upon which he ask∣ed him, with an angry Look, whether he had ever heard that in his Youthful Days he had committed such Actions. You were not, answered he, born a King's Son, as I am. Thou shalt never be a King's Father, replied the Tyrant. And so it proved in effect. For young Dionysius, being expel∣led from Syracusa, became of a King a Schoolmaster in the City of Corinth.

XII.

Then it was that Diogenes, seeing him in that Station, began to sigh before him. Upon which young Dionysius spake to him in these Words; Be not troubled, Diogenes, at my Misfortunes, 'tis the Fate of humane Affairs. That is not, answered the Cynick, the Thing which troubles me; for I am vexed, to see thee still happier than thou deservest.

XIII.

Memorable is HANNIBAL's Answer to King ANTIOCHƲS. Who, having set forth unto him the Magnificence of his Army, asked him, whether he thought it would be sufficient for the Romans. No doubt of it, answered Hannibal, were the Romans never so Covetous; Meaning,

that it was sufficient to make 'em rich with the Spoils, but not to overcome them.

XIV.

'Tis said of JƲLIƲS CAESAR, that having took Shipping at Brundusium in Italy in Pursuit of Pompey, and a Storm arising, which frighted his Pilot from set∣ting Sail, he undauntedly cried out to the Pilot, Caesarem vehis & Fortunam ejus, Re∣member that thou carriest Caesar and his Fortune.

XV.

WILLIAM RƲFƲS, upon the like Oc∣casion, shewed his greatness of Courage much after the same manner. Who go∣ing to take Ship for Normandy, in order to Relieve Coutancaes then straitly besieged by the French, the Wind then proving contrary and boysterous, the Mariners told him, it was not safe for him to take Sea. But the King eager for the Relief of that Town, and having no Time to lose, bad them hoise up Sail in God's Name, Was it ever heard (says he) that a King was drowned by Tempest?

XVI.

To this purpose was the Answer of CHARLES V. Emperor, and King of Spain, at the Battel of Tunis. Who, be∣ing advised by the Marquess of Guasto to

secure his Person, when the great Ord∣nance began to play, Marquess, said he, did you ever hear, that an Emperor was slain with a great Shot?

XVII.

JƲLIƲS CAESAR, being gone to Conquer Africk, hapned to fall off his Horse. 'Tis a good Omen, says he, that I find Africk under me; This is not a Fall, but Taking of Possession.

XVIII.

Much to the same purpose was that Say∣ing of an Officer of WILLIAM the Con∣querour, whose Foot (upon his Landing in England) chanced to slip, so that he fell into the Mud, and bemired all his hands over. Which Accident being lookt upon by the said Officer as a lucky Pre∣sage, Now (said he to the Duke) thou hast taken Possession, and holdest of the Land in thy band, whereof thou shalt be shortly King.

XIX.

A young Grecian favoured very much AƲGƲSTƲS; who, inquiring into the Cause of so great Resemblance, asked the Young Man whether his Mother had ever been at Rome. No, answered the Young Man, but my Father has several times. Thus, by an apparent Simplicity which sheltered his Boldness from the Emperor's

Anger, he made him sensible by his own Argument, that the Resemblance pro∣ceeded rather from the Wantonness of the Emperor's Mother than his own Mo∣ther's.

XX.

The Trojans having sent Deputies to Compliment AƲGƲSTƲS, upon account of a Palm-tree that grew on an Altar they had erected unto him, told him, it was a certain Presage of the Conquests he should make. To me, answered Augustus, 'tis ra∣ther an Argument how little Fire you Kindle upon the Altar, to consume the Victims. Apparet quàm saepe accendatis.

XXI.

Admirable is that saying of a wise Ro∣man, upon the Death of AƲGƲSTƲS. 'Twere (says he) to be wished, that either Augustus had never been born, or that he had never died. By which few Words he gave a just Idea of the whole Life of that Prince. The Beginning of whose Reign was full of Violence and Cruelty, whereas the Progress and Conclusion of it was at∣tended with all the Blessings of Justice, Clemency, and Moderation.

XXII.

When the Trojans sent Embassadors to TIBERIƲS, to condole the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus, it was so long af∣ter

Augustus his Death, that Tiberius thought it proper to fit them with this Re∣turn. And I am, says he, sorry, that you have lost so valiant a Knight as Hector; who was slain above a thousand Years be∣fore.

XXIII.

SIGISMƲND the Emperor, being told by one of his Courtiers, that he wonder∣ed at his Maxim of obliging his Enemies, and putting them in a Condition to hurt him, when it was in his Power to take a∣way their Lives. Do not I, says he, suffi∣ciently stay 'em, when by my Benefits I make them of my Foes my Friends.

XXIV.

LEWIS XII, King of France, when he was Duke of Orleans, had been very much disobliged in the foregoing Reigns by two Persons then in great Favour at Court. When he came to the Crown, a Confident of his did his utmost to induce him into a Resentment. By no means, answered King Lewis, 'tis below a King of France to re∣venge the Wrong done to the Duke of Orle∣ans.

XXV.

No less memorable is the generous An∣swer of JOHN II, Duke of Bourbon, who was an Hostage in England for King John of France. Whilst he was here, several

of his Subjects taking an advantage of his Absence caballed against him, and in∣vaded his Rights. One of his Officers took an exact Account of it in writing, which he presented to the Duke upon his Return, in order to bring the Offenders under the Lash of the Law. The Duke asked him, whether he had took an Ac∣count of the good Service they had done him formerly. That I have not, said the Officer. Then, said the Duke, it is not just I should make any Ʋse of this; and so threw it into the Fire, without any further notice.

XXVI.

HENRY IV, of France, walking one Day, was followed by the Duke of Mayenne, a burly fat Man, and conse∣quently a bad Walker; who had con∣tended with Henry for the Crown. And now the King took pleasure in tiring of him. But, after the Walking was over, Now Cousin (said the King to him) I am satisfy'd, and you may assure your self I shall take no further Revenge.

XXVII.

LEWIS XIII, Son and Successor of the foresaid Henry, being addressed unto by a Deputation from his Protestant Subjects, for the Continuation of their Privileges, according to the Edicts of his Predeces∣sors

Henry III, and Henry IV, the King made them this Answer. You had, says he, those Privileges granted you by Henry III, who feared you; and you had them con∣firmed by my Father, who loved you; but for my Part, I neither love, nor fear you.

XXVIII.

The late Prince of Condé, making his first Visit to LEWIS XIV, after the Bat∣tel of Seneffe, the King stood at the Top of the Stairs, whilst the Prince was get∣ting up but slowly, having the Gout upon him. Which made him say to the King from the middle of the Stair-case, Sir, I beg your Majesty's Pardon, if I make you stay. Cousin, answered the King, take your own Time; a Prince loaded with Laurels, as you are, cannot move so nimbly.

XXIX.

A petty PRINCE of Italy, being in∣formed, that a Frenchman in his Court had put some Jokes upon him and his Designs, ordered him to go out of his Dominions in three Days. 'Tis too long a Time, an∣swered the French Gentleman, three quar∣ters of an Hour will serve to obey him. By which Answer he pleasantly reflected up∣on the small Extent of the Prince's Domi∣nions.

XXX.

A KING of Spain, unfortunate in War, having lost several Places and Coun∣tries of Consequence, his Courtiers never∣theless gave him the Title of Great. Which one carping at, his Greatness (says he) is like that of Ditches, which the more is taken from them, grow the greater.

XXXI.

After the Battels of Fleury and Staffar∣de, a Minister of the Emperor at the Court of Portugal insinuating to the KING, that France must yield at last, being surrounded with Enemies on all Sides. Ay, but (answered the King) she has newly made two vigorous Sallies; Meaning the aforesaid Battels, in which the French had the Advantage.

XXXII.

WILLIAM the Conquerour, having created his Half Brother (Bishop of Bayeux) Earl of Kent, ordered him after∣wards to be Imprisoned, on some just Displeasure. For which being quarrelled by the Pope, (the Clergy being then ex∣empted from the Secular Power) he re∣turned this Answer, That he had commit∣ted the Earl of Kent, not the Bishop of Bayeux.

XXXIII.

WILLIAM RƲFƲS, the Conquerour's Son and immediate Successor, made com∣monly as it were Portsale of the Spiritual Livings. One Day two Monks out-bid∣ding each other for an Abbey, he asked another of their Company, (whom he spy'd standing in a Corner) what he would give to be Abbot? Not one Far∣thing, said he, for I renounced the World and Riches, that I might the more sincerely serve my God. Which Answer did so take with the King, notwithstanding his Co∣vetousness, that he judged him most wor∣thy to be made Abbot, and accordingly bestowed gratis the Abbey upon him.

XXXIV.

Philip, the warlike Bishop of Beauvais in France, being taken Prisoner by our King RICHARD I, the Pope wrote in his behalf to the King, that he would Re∣lease him as a Churchman, and one of his beloved Sons. The King, to vindicate himself, sent to the Pope the Armour in which the Bishop was taken, with these words ingraven upon it, Vide an haec sit Tunica Filii tui, that is, See whether this be thy Son's Coat, or not; being the Words which Jacob's Children spake to him, when they presented him with the Coat of their Brother Joseph. Which the

Pope viewing, swore, that it was rather the Coat of a Son of Mars, than a Son of the Church, and so left him wholly at the King's Pleasure.

XXXV.

The said King RICHARD, being told by one Fulke, a Priest in great esteem for his Holiness, that he kept three Daugh∣••ers, which if he did not dismiss, they would procure him God's Wrath; How so? said the King, all the World knows, I never had a Child. Yea, said the Priest, you have three; and their Names are Pride, Covetousness, and Lechery. Well, said the King, you shall see me presently dispose of them. The Knights Templars shall have Pride, the White Monks Cove∣tousness, and the Clergy Lechery. Thus you have my three Daughters bestowed amongst you.

POPES.

I.

AN Abbot leaving Rome, unsatisfy'd that he could not see the Pope all the while he was there, said, That the Pope was no more the Visible Head of the Church.

II.

'Tis said of Pope Boniface VIII, that he came in like a Fox, reigned like a Lion, and died like a Dog. He came to the Papal Chair in 1295, and held it above se∣ven Years. During which he persecuted the Gibelline Faction, to the utmost of his Power. And they run so much in his head that, when the Arch-Bishop of Ge∣noua came before him upon Ash-Wednes∣day to receive the Ashes, according to the Custom of the Roman Church, instead of saying, Memento quòd Cinis es, & in Cine∣rem reverteris, the Words used in that Ce∣remony, he mistook the Point, and told him, Memento quòd Gibellinus es, & cum Gibellinis morieris.

III.

A Discourse being held before a Pope concerning the Plurality of Livings, For my part (said the Pope) I have but one.

IV.

Pope Alexander VIII, was 79 Years old, when he came to the Papal See, and in three Weeks time he raised all his Ne∣phews. He desired to know by one of his familiar Friends what the World said of him; who answered, that his Diligence in raising his Family was all the Talk of the Town. Oh! Oh! reply'd he, sono vinti-tre hore e mezza, 'tis half an hour past 23, meaning his Time was near expired. Now in Italy the Clocks strike 24 Hours, whereas ours go not beyond 12.

V.

A Countryman, who lookt upon the Pope as a God on Earth, pray'd his Holi∣ness, that he might have two Crops every Year. You shall have it, said the Pope, but then every Year must be of Twenty four Months.

VI.

Favoriti, the late Pope's Secretary, read∣ing to his Holiness some Briefs that he had drawn, and explaining them unto him in Italian, the Pope wept for Joy, saying, Cosa diranno di noi nella Posterita, quando vederanno cosi bella Latinita nostra?

That is to say, What will Posterity say of us, when they see this our elegant La∣tine?

VII.

An Astrologer having foretold Pope Ʋrban VIII, that a Comet should appear about the middle of his Reign, the Pope fell sick, when the Comet appeared. But, whereas he flattered himself, by the fore∣said Prediction, that his Reign was but half spent, he unexpectedly died, and so ended both his Life and Reign.

VIII.

Pope Alexander VIII, being wrought upon by the Spanish Embassador in order to declare against France, the Embassa∣dor, to induce him to it, told him, that France was in a sinking Condition, that it was impossible for her to hold out against so many Powers, and that the King was not able any longer to maintain his Ar∣mies. 'Tis true, answered the Pope, but he makes 'em subsist at the Cost and Charge of his Neighbours.

CARDINALS.

I.

THE Cardinal of Retz, being re∣called by the French King, went to throw himself at his Majesty's feet. Who, taking him up by the hand, told his Eminence, that he wondered to see him with a hoary Head. Sir, reply'd the Cardinal, Thus it is to fall under Your Majesty's Displeasure.

This great Man, says my Author, lived like himself in great State; in order to which he was fain to borrow, but took great care to pay. Before his last Voyage to Rome, he sent for all his Creditors, cast up his Accounts with them, and told them he had but such a Sum to pay 'em in some short Time, and that his Brother then present would stand Se∣curity for it. To which his Creditors made this civil Return, that, far from being come to ask for their Money, they had some at his Service. A Lady amongst the rest stood up and offered him 5000 Crowns; which she praid him to accept, to supply his Occasions.

The Cardinal, amazed at so great Civility, expressed his Sense of it in a most decent manner. And turning about to his Hatter, It grieves me, says he, that I must leave this good Man unpaid, to whom I owe a considerable Sum. 'Tis true, answered the Hatter, that I am put to great Straits; but, that your Eminence may see, I will not come short of any of your Creditors in point of Civility and Respect to your Person, here are three Hats more, which I beg your Eminence to accept of, and carry with you to Rome. This excessive Kindness from an ordinary Tradesman, as it surprised all the Company, so it drew Tears from the Cardinal, with Thanks to Providence for the good Will of all of them towards him. And, after his Death, his Brother did so punctually answer the Cardinal's just Mean∣ing, that none of his Creditors lost any Thing by him.

II.

A Gentleman, who was great with the foresaid Cardinal, went every where with him, except to Church. Which gave oc∣casion to his Eminence to tell him, he was his Friend, usque ad Aras.

III.

An Author having dedicated a Latine Book to Cardinal Richelieu, and sent him a Copy of it; the Cardinal answered his

Civility in these three Words only, Ac∣cepi, Legi, Probavi; that is, I have per∣used the Book you sent me, and do Ap∣prove of it.

IV.

Varillas speaking to one of Cardinal Baronius, Ah! poor Baronius, says he, with his Twelve great Volumes, it was God's great Mercy, that he did write no more.

V.

Cardinal Mazarine being told, the Peace he had made was not advantagious to the People, made this Return, 'Tis a young Tree, says he, that bears no Fruit as yet, dabit Fructum suum in tempore.

VI.

Instead of saying, that a certain Bishop was made Cardinal, the usual saying was, that he was got into the College of Car∣dinals, it being the first College he hap∣ned to be a Member of.

VII.

A Bishop at Rome came to acquaint Cardinal Pole, that he was going to his Diocess for a Month. I am glad on't, said the Cardinal, for your sake, you will suffer so much the less in Purgatory.

BISHOPS.

I.

A Bishop being gone to Rome to make his Court, in order to be made a Cardinal, the Pope told him one Day, that he was informed of his being a Bastard. To which he made this Answer, V. S. a fatto tanti altri Cardinali Asini che potrebbe far un Mulo; That is to say, Your Holiness has made so many Asses Cardinals, that you may as well raise a Mule to that Dignity.

II.

Another being gone to Rome for the same Purpose, came home re infectâ, and brought a great Cold with him. Which one attributed to his Coming home without a Cardinal's Cap.

III.

A French Bishop being consecrated in the Sorbonne, in the presence of a great many Bishops, making a Semicircle in the Dome, a Lady ravished with the sight of them in such Order said, that she thought

her self in Paradise. In Paradise, reply'd a Gentleman who stood by her, there are not so many Bishops of our Church to be seen.

IV.

A Gascoon, bearing a Grudge against the Bishop of Bazas his Diocesan, swore a great Oath, he would never say Prayers any more in his Diocess. Crossing over a River, the Boat had a Mischance, which made it leak. The Waterman, seeing his Boat sinking, warned the Gascoon to com∣mend his Soul to God. Ay but, said he, are we still in the Bazadois? meaning the foresaid Bishop's Diocess.

V.

Upon ones saying, that a certain Bishop had the Gout; another that stood by al∣ledged the Canon that says, Si quis dixerit Episcopum podagrâ laborare, Anathema sit.

VI.

The Bishop of Grace in France, having preached a Sermon upon Grace, I have heard (said the Bishop of Bellay, one of his Hearers) a Sermon upon Grace, deli∣vered with a good grace, by the Bishop of Grace.

VII.

Some Country Bishops, being with the Arch-Bishop of Paris, told him, they were amazed at one Thing in his Conduct,

that he never had any Difference with his Chapter. 'Tis my Opinion, answered the Arch-Bishop, that none but Country-Hus∣bands will fall a cudgelling their Wives.

VIII.

The same Arch-Bishop being made Duke and Peer of France, Now (said one) it cannot be said that Paris is Peer∣less.

IX.

A Bishop being often out when he preached, and a Lady hapning to see his Picture somewhere, One would think (says she) that he preaches.

X.

A Bishop of Grenoble in Dauphiné, who used to wear a long Beard, had something faln upon it, as he was eating. Which a Servant of his taking notice of, told him, something did stick to his Greatnesses Beard. Why not rather, said one that sat by, Ʋpon the Greatness of your Beard?

XI.

Another French Bishop, of great Worth, but a professed Enemy to Monks, had some Difference with a great Cardinal, who then governed the Kingdom of France. This Cardinal however had him in so great esteem, that he resolved to draw him into his Party, in order to which he offered him an Abbey. Which the Bi∣shop

refused, saying, that his Conscience would not allow of Plurality of Livings. The Cardinal, amazed at so unusual a Ni∣cety of Conscience amongst Clergymen, made him this Return. My Lord, says he, you are a good Man; and I would Canonize you for a Saint, if you had not writ (as you have) against the Monks. Would to God, reply'd the Bishop, that it were in your Power, and that I deserved it, then we should be both satisfy'd. Thus he ingeniously checkt the Cardinal's Ambition, by tel∣ling him, that, if he Canonized him, they should be both satisfy'd. For then the Cardinal must be Pope, and he a Saint, which was the Thing they aimed at.

XII.

A Bishop, intertaining several Prelates at Dinner, made a great shew of his won∣derful Quantity of Gold and Silver Plate, made by the best Workmen that could be got. The Magnificence whereof being admired by the Company, This I pur∣chased, said the Bishop, in order to assist the Poor of my Diocess. To which one of the Company answered ingeniously, My Lord, you might have spared them the Charge of the Making.

XIII.

A Bishop, in the Reign of Henry VIII, being appointed by the King to go to King

Francis I, with the Character of Embassa∣dor, in a dangerous Juncture, he repre∣sented to the King, that such a threatning Embassy as he charged him with to so high-spirited a Prince as Francis I, would go near to cost him his Life, and there∣fore begg'd of the King, he would be pleased to dispense him with that Com∣mission. Fear nothing, said the King to him, if the French King were so bold as to take away your Life, I should infallibly re∣venge your Death, by taking off many Heads for one from the French now in my Power. I am apt to believe it, reply'd the Bishop, smiling, but of all those many Heads there is none so fit for my Shoulders as this Head of mine.

STATESMEN, AND COƲRTIERS.

I.

NOLI videri sapiens coram Prin∣cipe, is a Lesson of wise Solomon, which puts me in mind of a Por∣tugueze Statesman. Whose Prince, the King of Portugal, being about to send to the Pope, commanded him to write a Letter, whilst he wrote another, in order to send that which he should like best of the two. The Lot fell to the Statesman's Letter, as the best penned. Who there∣fore fled into Spain, thinking himself not safe in Portugal, upon the King's Opinion, that he had outdone him.

II.

When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain, there were Commissioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace. Dr. Dale,

a Master of Requests, was one named by the Queen for that purpose, and the Place of Congress a Town of the French King's. Where the Commissioners on both Sides being met, it was first debated in what Tongue the Negotiation should be hand∣led. One of the Spanish Commissioners thinking to give ours a shrewd Gird, proposed the French Tongue (wherein they were best skilled) as most fit. And for these Gentlemen of England, I sup∣pose (says he) they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects, their Queen being Queen of France, as well as of England. Nay in faith, my Masters, (replied Dr. Dale) the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Business of this Secrecy and Importance, especially in a French Town. We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew, the Language of Jerusalem, whereof your Master is King; and I suppose you are therein as well skilled, as we in the French Tongue.

III.

A Person of Quality going upon an Em∣bassy, had this particular Instruction from his Prince, that his Conduct should be di∣rectly opposite to that of his Predecessor. To which he answered, Sir, I shall so car∣ry my self, that your Majesty shan't need to give the like Instruction to any one that shall succeed me.

IV.

Monsieur de Louvois being ready to set out in order to a Campagne, and offering to tell what Place he was going for, Don't tell us, says Monsieur de Roquelaure, where you go, for we shall give no Credit to it.

V.

A Lady speaking to a prime Minister of State about an Affair of Consequence, and having no Answer from him, Pray, my Lord, said she unto him, shew me some Sign that you understand me.

VI.

To a learned Man one may say, Scire tuum Nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter; thy Knowledg signifies nothing, unless it be known to the World. To a Statesman, on the contrary, one must say, Si sciat hoc alter, scire tuum nihil est, thy Knowledg avails nothing, unless it be private to thy self. For the main part of his Learning is to know, how to keep Counsel.

VII.

A Minister of the Emperor, residing before the War at the Court of France, walked one day with several Courtiers in the Gallery of Versailles. Viewing some Pictures there, that set forth the greatest Actions of the King, We have also (says he) wherewithal to set out a great Gallery, by the Emperor's Conquests. 'Tis true, an∣swered

a Courtier, and the Duke of Lor∣rain will have a great Share therein. By which Answer he meant to insinuate, that, whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himself, or at least in his Presence, those of the Empe∣ror were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorrain, and in the Emperor's Absence.

VIII.

An old French Courtier, being grie∣vously afflicted with the Gout, received a Visit of a Prince of the Royal Blood, of whose Party he had formerly been. That which grieves me most of all (says he to the Prince) in the Condition I am in, is, that I have quitted your Service. You ought not to grieve for that, answered the Prince, now you have the Honour to belong to the King. 'Tis true, replied the Courtier, but had I not quitted your Service, I had been long since free from the Pain I now suffer. Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forsak∣ing of his Friends, after he had involved them in a Rebellion, for which they had been executed.

IX.

A Venetian Embassador going to the Court of Rome, passed through Florence, where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany. The Duke com∣plaining

to him of the Embassador the State of Venice had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Character; Your Highness, says he, must not wonder at it, for we have many idle Pates at Venice. So we have, re∣ply'd the Duke, in Florence, but we don't send them abroad to treat of publick Affairs.

X.

A Prince, jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employ'd in several Embas∣sies, told him he looked like an Ox. I know not, answered he, whom I am like un∣to; but this I know, that I have had the ho∣nour several times to Represent your Person. A free and pleasant Repartee, which re∣quired a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Censure.

IX.

A Roman, having entertained at Din∣ner Mecenas, Augustus his Favourite, Me∣cenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Caresses, whilst her Husband made as if he had been asleep, to give him the more liberty. In the mean time spy∣ing one of his Slaves, who was stealing of a golden Cup, Thou Rogue (says he) dost not thou see that I sleep only for Mecenas?

XII.

A French Courtier, admired for his courtly Carriage, but especially for his

Art in reviving a drooping Conversation, seeing one day the Court-Ladies stand mute before the Queen, amongst which was Madame de Guimené, broke silence, and addressing himself to the Queen, Is not this, Madam, says he, an odd Thing in Nature, that Madame de Guimené and I being born on the same Day, and at no fur∣ther distance of Time than a quarter of an hour, yet she should be so fair, and I so black?

XIII.

The Duke of Orleans, being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg, between two Pavilions, where the Reflexi∣on of the Sun made the Heat excessive, one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body. That can't be apply'd to me, said the Duke, who love my Friends very well. If Your Higness, said another, do's not love 'em boyled, you love 'em however well rosted.

XIV.

The Dauphin, the Prince of Conty, and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois, with several other Persons of great Quality, walking one Day along the Canal of Versailles, one came to the young Admiral. And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach, Now, my Lord Admiral, says he, take upon you the Command of this Vessel, and make a Trial of

Skill. But, whilst he excused himself up∣on his Want of Experience, a Gentleman stepping amongst them brought off the Admiral, saying, That he was not a fresh-Water Admiral.

XV.

Henry IV of France being come to Rou∣en, a President who came to harang him, fell short of his Speech, and could not conclude it. A Courtier near the King's Person told His Majesty, Sir, 'tis no won∣der, for the Normans are mighty apt to fall short of their Word.

XVI.

The same King going into a Lady's Chamber, one of his Courtiers hid him∣self under the Bed. A Collation being brought in soon after, the King threw a Box full of Sweet-meats under the Bed, saying, Every body must live.

XVII.

A French Marquess used to brag every where, that he had writ to the Queen. Another, who met him by chance in the Palace, cry'd out to him, Sir, I beg the favour of you to Remember me to the Queen, next time you write to Her Majesty.

XVIII.

A great Officer in the French King's Court, shewing his noble Terrass to the Prince of Guimené, told him it stood him

but in 25000 Livers. The Prince, who well knew how he came by the Money, made this smart Repartee, I thought, says he, the King had paid for it.

XIX.

A great Bell being made use of at a Nobleman's House to ring to Dinner, a Courtier who was to dine with him said, Will the Dinner answer to the Bell?

XX.

An Italian being at Dinner with a Court-Officer, who had spent all his Estate, and sold a Lordship he had, minded how little he did eat, Your Lordship (says he) do's not eat. No, answered the prodigal Courtier, for 'tis all eaten.

XXI.

Something to that purpose are these French Verses, made upon one by Mon∣sieur de Furetiere;

Paul vend sa Maison de S. Clou, A maints Creanciers engagée. Il dit par tout, qu'il en est soû; Je le croi, car il l'a mangée.

XXII.

A French Courtier, who made it his Business to be constantly at Court, and to appear in the King's Presence, to relate afterwards in Company what he heard the

King say, telling one day an old Courtier, that he had such an Account the Night be∣fore from the King's Mouth. And I, an∣swered the old Courtier, heard yesterday Father Bourdaloues Sermon, who preached to me the finest Things that ever I heard. By which Answer he shewed him the Vanity of his Ostentation, in appropriating to himself alone what the King had said to many more that heard him.

XXIII.

In the late French King's Reign there was a President called Goussaut, well known for his weak Parts. A Courtier playing at Picket in a publick Place, and finding he had committed an Errour, I am (says he) a meer Goussaut. The President, who chanced to be there un∣known to the Courtier, told him, that he was a Sot. You say right, replied the Courtier, that's it I meant to say.

XXIV.

Another, intertaining several Gentle∣men at Dinner, had but one Page to wait at Table. Growing warm with the Com∣pany, and desiring them to be merry, and drink chearfully, Then (said one of them) give us Change for your Page; Meaning, that he must change his Page into Foot∣men to serve 'em with Wine, as a piece of Gold is changed for several Pieces of less Value.

XXV.

A Foreign Lord dancing at a Ball in the Court of France, did it so ungainly, that he made himself a laughing-Stock. A Friend of his, to excuse the Matter, said, He fights well, though he dances ill. Then let him Fight, and not Dance, said one who laughed with the rest.

XXVI.

Another being robbed, going over the Pont-neuf, and relating the Circumstances of it, I don't care (says he) so much for the Loss of my Money, as for that of some Love-Letters I had received from my Mi∣stris, which the Rogues took along with it. 'Tis ten to one, answered one of the Com∣pany, but they will find out whose Hand it was. Whereby he insinuated, as if he had Pick-pockets for his Rivals.

XXVII.

A Citizen telling a Courtier, that he had just then eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep that was in Debt; For my part, answered the Courtier, I should ra∣ther wonder how my Creditors can sleep, well knowing that I shall never pay 'em.

XXVIII.

Another Courtier, being a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV of France, ob∣tained

a Grant from the King, for the Dis∣patch whereof he apply'd himself to the Lord High Chancellor. Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon the Grant, and would not allow of any Impediment. Que chacun se mêle de son Metier, said the Chancellour to him, that is, let every one meddle with his own Business. The Courtier thinking, that he reflected upon him for his Confi∣dence, My Imployment (said he) is such, that, if the King were but twenty Years youn∣ger, I would not change it for three of yours.

XXIX.

A Marquess, having got out of the Ba∣stille, where he had been imprisoned for a slight Offence, came to Court, and did his utmost to be taken notice of by the King. Who, being conscious that he had been too severe upon him, had some check upon him for it, insomuch that His Ma∣jesty did not care to look upon him. The Marquess perceiving it, made his Address to a Duke, and prayed him to inform the King, that he freely forgave him, and beg∣ged of his Majesty that he would be pleased afterwards to look upon him. The Duke told the King, who being pleased with it, shewed ever since a gracious Countenance to the Marquess.

XXX.

An envious Courtier being one day ve∣ry melancholy, a Gentleman ask'd what Misfortune had befaln him? None at all, answered another, but that the King has preferred a Man of great Worth.

XXXI.

A rich Partisan of France, who for∣merly had been a Lackey, going fast in his Coach through the Streets of Paris, a Lady walking by was bespattered with Dirt by his Horses. This Man (says she, speaking of the Partisan) is of a revenge∣ful Spirit, he dirties us, because we have dir∣tied him.

XXXII.

The same Lady went to Law with ano∣ther Partisan, who had also been a Lac∣key; and being gone to wait upon a Ma∣gistrate, who was to be a Judg in the Case, she staid some time with her Livery∣men in his Withdrawing Room, till he came out of his Chamber. When he came out, he wondered to see a Lady of her Quality with none but her Footmen; and was very angry with his Servants, for want of their Information. A shame, says he, to leave here a Lady of your Qua∣lity with none but Lackeys about you. Pray, Sir, reply'd the Lady, be not concerned at

it, I am very well pleased with my Lackeys, and like them best whilst they keep in that Station. Thus she cunningly reflected up∣on her adverse Party.

XXXIII.

Sir Walter Rawleigh asking a Favour of Queen Elizabeth, Sir Walter, said the Queen, When d'ye mean to leave off Beg∣ging? When your Gracious Majesty, re∣ply'd he, leaves off Giving.

MAGISTRATES.

I.

CAius Caesar and Bibulus were Con∣suls of Rome together. But this Bibulus had done so little for the Common-wealth, that when this Con∣sulship was quoted, because two Con∣suls must be named, the Saying was, In the Consulship of Caius and Caesar, not of Caius Caesar and Bibulus.

II.

So ambitious were the Romans of the Consulship, that when Maximus died on the last Day of his, Caninius petition'd, that he might fill up as Consul the re∣maining part of that Day. Upon which Tully made this witty Jest, O vigilantem Consulem, qui toto Consulatus sui tempore som∣num Oculos non vidit! O watchful Consul, who did not shut his Eyes all the time of his Consulship!

III.

Cato the Censor being asked, how it came to pass, that he had no Statue e∣rected in his Honour, who had so well de∣served

of the Common-wealth? I had ra∣ther (says he) have this Question asked me, than why I had one erected.

IV.

Fabricius, a Roman Consul, upon the Offer made to him by King Pyrrhus his Physician, to get him poisoned, sent him back his Physician with these words, Learn, O thou King, to make a better Choice both of thy Friends and Foes.

V.

Clodius being to be tried for his Life by Roman Judges, whom he had bribed with Money to get him off, they desired a Guard to secure them, so that the Trial might be free and undisturbed. But Clodius be∣ing acquitted, one Catulus made this Re∣flexion upon them. What made you, says he, so eager for a Convoy? Were you afraid to be robbed of the Money you had of Clodius?

VI.

After the Reduction of Paris to Henry IV, a Mareschal of France formerly against the King, was bribed into a Submission to him. The Provost of Merchants of that City having newly made his Submission in the Name of the City, the said Mareschal told him, that we ought to render unto Caesar the Things that are Caesar's. My Lord, said the Provost, we must render it, not sell it, reflecting upon the Mareschal,

as a Man bought off out of Rebellion into his Allegiance.

VII.

No less Ingenious was the Answer of a Lord Mayor to our King James I. Who being displeased with the City, for refu∣sing to lend him a Sum of Money he requi∣red, threatned that he would remove his Court, with all the Records of the Tower, and the Courts of Judicature, to another Place, with farther Expressions of his In∣dignation. Your Majesty, answered the Lord Mayor calmly, may do what you please therein, and your City of London will still prove dutiful; but she comforts her self with the Thoughts that Your Majesty will leave the Thames behind you. Whereby he gave the King to understand, that as long as the Thames should run before the City of London, it could not fail of flourishing by the Advantage of Trade, whatever Dis∣advantages it lay under on his Majesty's Side.

VIII.

Witty, but perhaps too Jocose for his Circumstances, was the Answer of Sir Thomas Moor Lord Chancellor in the Reign of Henry VIII. Who, being com∣mitted to the Tower by the King, would not suffer his Hair or Beard to be cut. And being asked the Reason of it, The

King and I, says he, are at Law about my Head, and I will be at no Charge to set it off, till I know at whose Disposal it must be.

IX.

The Lord Bacon, before his great Pre∣ferment, received a Visit from Queen Elizabeth in a Country-house lately built by him. What made you, said the Queen to him, build your House so little? Ma∣dam, answered he to the Queen, I do not build it too little, but 'tis Your Majesty that made me too great for my House. An in∣genious Answer, expressing in few Words both his Modesty and Gratitude.

X.

When the Doge of Genoua came not long since in Person to the French Court, with Submissions from the Republick lit∣tle sutable to a Sovereign State, being at Versailles, and viewing the Magnificence thereof, he was asked by one of the Court, What he thought in it most worthy his Admiration? To see my self here, an∣swered the Doge very pat.

LADIES.

I.

A Lady used constantly to wait upon another at the beginning of every Year, to know what Age they must go for that Year.

II.

A Lady of wonderful Beauty telling a∣nother, It was a wonder to see her, re∣ceived this handsom Return, And when I see you, Madam, I may say I see a Mi∣racle.

III.

One that had a Petticoat extravagantly dawbed with Gold and Silver, was wittily asked, What Goldsmith had made her Peti∣coat.

IV.

It was the way of the late Q. Christina of Sweden to appear always in a Justaucor and a Wig. When she came to Fontaine∣bleau, a Country Palace of the French King, several Court-Ladies come to wait on Her Majesty, stept to salute her with a Kiss. The Queen, not liking of it, dropt

these words, What Passion transports these Ladies to kiss me thus? Is it because I look like a young Man?

V.

A Grandee of Spain having a Collar on of the Order of the Golden Fleece, (which the Prince's Favour, not his own Merit, had procured) took particular Notice of a sparkling Diamond a Court-Lady wore upon one of her Fingers, and said he had rather have the Ring than the Lady. But she fitted him as well. For, having over-heard it, she presently made this Return upon him, And I should rather chuse the Halter than the Horse, meaning him by the Horse, and by the Halter his Collar.

VI.

An Author holding a fair Lady with both his hands, she got it off from 'em. Upon which a Gentleman that stood by told him, Sir, 'tis the finest Piece of Work that ever came out of your hands.

VII.

A Gentleman leading a Lady by the hand, she told him, he held her too fast. Madam, reply'd he, I'le lay with your La∣dyship that before we part, you will hold me as fast. She laid to the contrary. And, whilst they were stepping into a Room, the Gentleman made as if his foot slipt; which made her hold him fast by the hand,

to keep him from falling. And then she owned that she lost the Wager.

VIII.

A Lady, in company with a Gentleman, fell discoursing about the Influences of the Month of May, when not only the Earth, but all Creatures living upon it, find themselves revived by the Sun's Heat. After a pretty long Discourse on this Sub∣ject, I dare trust my Honesty, said she to the Gentleman, all other Months of the Year, which I dare not in May.

IX.

The Place of a Maid of Honour, said one, is very Ticklish, and difficult to keep.

X.

A Curtizan of Rome took place in a Church near a vertuous Lady; Who no sooner knew her, but she removed to ano∣ther place. The Curtizan observing it, Why should you, Madam, remove thus for my sake? said she to the Lady, my Infir∣mity never proves catching but to such as desire it.

XI.

A Spanish Lady reading in a French Romance a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers, What a deal of Wit (says the Lady) is here ill bestowed? They were toge∣ther, and they were alone.

XII.

A French Lady of great Wit jeering a∣nother in a Company where a Friend of this Lady was, her Friend took her part, and made the best of her. But the first took her up, and told her, I find, Ma∣dam, that you have eaten Garlick. Now 'tis well known, that those who have eaten Garlick, are not sensible of the ill smell of others that have also eaten of the same.

XIII.

A Court-Lady gone to see Versailles in the King's Absence, Is not this, said one to her, an Inchanted Pallace? 'Tis so, said she, but it wants the Inchanter, meaning the King.

XIV.

An ancient Lady going to visit a great Man at the point of Death, his Daughter refused to let her into his Chamber, say∣ing, that her Father was not fit for Wo∣mens Visits. Madam, answered the La∣dy, there is no Distinction of Sex at my Age.

Of Love, and Gallantry.

I.

A Gallant, taking his Leave of his dear Mistris, upon a Journey he could not dispense with, they par∣ted with much ado, and with great Relu∣ctancy. At last she told him, Pray, make all the haste you can, and remember that a Mistris is a Benefice that requires Residence.

II.

'Tis the Way in Savoy, the first time one has his Vein breathed, to be presented by his Friends. A Young Man of that Country, having received a Present from his Mistris upon such an Occasion, returned her Thanks for it, with these Words, You have (says he) considered the Wound of my Arm, but you forget that of my Heart.

III.

A Gentlewoman who had two Gal∣lants, one of 'em with a wooden Leg, grew big with Child, and the Question was which of them should father it. He that had the wooden Leg offered to de∣cide it thus. If the Child, says he, comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I shall father it; if not, the Child shall be yours.

IV.

A wanton French Gentlewoman, being ordered by the Queen Mother (then Re∣gent) to go into a Monastery, he that brought her the Queen's Order, told her, the Queen left her the Liberty to chuse what Monastery she pleased. Then, says she, I won't go to a Nunnery, but to a Mo∣nastery of Monks, which she named, and where she might have Work enough.

V.

Another young Lady was to be sent to a Nunnery of Filles Repenties, or Converted Maidens. But a Lady opposed it; and be∣ing asked the Reason, Because (says she) she is neither Converted, nor Maiden.

VI.

Another as wanton as the former, blam∣ing her Brother's extravagant Passion for Gaming, When will you leave off Gaming? said she to him. When you cease to Love, then I shall cease to Play, answered he. Then, reply'd the Sister, you are like to be a Game∣ster as long as you live.

VII.

A Coldness having continued some time betwixt two Persons that formerly had a Love for each other, they met accidentally in a Place, where they fell to play. But, said the Gentleman, What is it we play for? For a Return of Love, said the Lady.

Of Roman Priests, Jesuits, and Monks; with Passages upon their Preaching, and the Auricular Con∣fession.

I.

A Roman Priest, being grievously troubled with the Stone, resol∣ved to be Cut. But, when the Surgeon was ready for the Operation, Won't it (says he) disable me from the Act of Generation?

II.

Another being in drink, when a Child was brought him to Church to be Bapti∣zed, could not find out the Ministration of Baptism in the Ritual. At last, ha∣ving turned over many a Leaf to little purpose, This Child, says he, is very hand to Baptize.

III.

A Priest, being asked what Saint was the Patron of his Church, His Name (answered he) I know not, only I know him by sight.

IV.

At Nola, in the Kingdom of Naples, the Jesuits have a College called d' Arquo, the Bow; and another in France, at a Town of Anjou, called la Flêche, or the Ar∣row. On which one wittily composed this following Distich;

Arcum Nola dedit, dedit illis alma Sagittam Gallia, quis Funem quem meruere dabit?

In English thus.

Nola the Bow, and France the Shaft did bring, But who shall help them to the hempen String?

V.

There are Monks, said one, that have a strict Rule, and a large Conscience. The Outside of whose Monasteries is all Peace and Religion, whilst the Devil and War are within.

VI.

'Tis strange, said another, that the Minimes should eat no Flesh, and yet smell so much as they do of a Shoulder of Mut∣ton.

VII.

A Bernardine Monk having invited a Be∣nedictine to Supper, the first desired the other to say Grace, or (as they call it) the

Benedicite. Benedictus, says he, benedicat. The other, in answer to it, made this Re∣turn, Bernardus Bernardet.

VIII.

The Thunder fell one day upon the Steeple of the Augustines Church at Paris. Upon which one said, It was God's great Mercy, he had sacrificed only their Steeple to his Justice; for, had the Thunder faln into the Kitchin, 'tis like they had all perished.

IX.

A Gentleman, seeing the Monks called Feuillans building according to the several Orders of Architecture, asked why they did not rather build according to their Or∣der?

X.

A late French Bishop had no sooner given up the Ghost, but his Room was presently plundered. A Cordelier, a∣mong the rest, having got the Bishop's Breviar, snatched also a rich Crucifix, saying, Crucifixus etiam pro nobis.

XI.

A Monk being sent from Angers to Pa∣ris, to be punished for his lewd Course of Life amongst Women, was brought be∣fore a Judg, who had then two Ladies with him. 'Tis for your sakes, Ladies, said the Monk, that I am now brought to this. Had not you been, reply'd the Judg, so loose upon

Ladies, you would not have brought these Fet∣ters on your self.

XII.

In a Book printed at Bourdeaux, 'tis said, that a Carmelite knocking at Hea∣ven's Door, St. Peter would not let him in, saying, We see none here but Carme∣lites, When you can make up a Dozen, you shall be let in, not before.

XIII.

An Abbot who had a mind to make his Abbey secular, told the French King, that he had the worst Monks in the World, and that they would not say the Exaudi∣at. If they be so bad, said the King, I ought not to rely upon their Prayers, and do freely dispence them with their Exaudiat.

XIV.

Another, who had four Abbies, three of which he bestowed upon his Nephews, invited one Day a Friend of his to come and play with him at Picket. I don't care, answered his Friend, to play with a Man who discarded so many Abbeys.

XV.

Another Abbot, extreamly given to Playing, lost 2000 l. at least at one sit∣ting with a Duke. The Duke pressed him for the Payment, so that the Abbot was fain to sell all he had, which fell much short of the Sum. An Interposer pray'd

the Duke to forgive the rest, in Acknow∣ledgment whereof the Abbot should make an Ode to his Praise, but the worst he could make. For, says he, when the World shall know, that you made so great a Present for a wretched Piece, they will con∣clude you would have been much more liberal for a good one.

XVI.

'Tis said of Father Bourdaloue, that, when he preached at Rouen, the Trades∣men left their Shops, the Merchants their Business, the Lawyers their Clients, and the Physicians their Patients, to hear him. But he that preached there the next Year after settled Things in so a good Posture, that none of them forsook their Imploy∣ments.

XVII.

Such a one might be that Preacher, who so tired his Auditory with a Sermon he made upon Bliss or Happiness, that one told him after Sermon, Sir, you forgot one part of Happiness, happy are they that did not hear your Sermon.

XVIII.

Another having divided his Text into 22 Heads, one of his Hearers went out of Church in great haste. And being asked where he went, To fetch my Night-Cap, (says he) for I find we shall lie here to Night.

XIX.

A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude.

XX.

Another, who had not the luck to please his Auditors, He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.

XXI.

Another, preaching at Paris to a few Hearers, gave occasion for one to say, that he preached sede vacante. Something like unto it is the Saying of one concern∣ing a Professor, who read his Lectures a∣lone, that he was Vox clamantis in De∣serto.

XXII.

One speaking of a Preacher, whom he heard at a great distance, He spoke (said he) with his Hand, and I heard him with my Eyes.

XXIII.

Of two Preachers, one had a Faculty of making a great Noise in the Pulpit. Who passing his Verdict upon himself and the other, He preaches (says he) very well, and I very loud.

XXIV.

A Learned Man of the Roman Church comparing the Way of Preaching of the Antient Fathers of the Church with that of our Modern Preachers, said, The Anci∣ent Fathers preached with Zeal and Learning, whereas in our Days we admire most a good Memory and a great Stock of Con∣fidence.

XXV.

A Friar observing from the Pulpit a Woman babbling with another, checked her openly for it. Being nettled at it, up she starts, and cries to the Friar again, Marry, Sir, I beshrew his Heart that bab∣bles most of us two; I did but whisper a Word with my Neighbour here, and thou hast bab∣bled there a good large hour.

XXVI.

During the Tumults in Paris in 1649, the seditious Party were called Frondeurs, that is, Slingers. These in 52, put Straw upon their Hats, to distinguish themselves from the opposite Party, who wore Paper. A Canon, preaching at that time to the Bernardine Monks, had the lucky hit to apply these Words of Joh to the Straw-Party, In stipulam versi sunt Lapides fundae, the Sling-stones are con∣verted into Straw.

XXVII.

A Roman Catholick confessing to a Priest, that he had drunk very hard af∣ter Absolution, pulled some Money out of his Pocket, to present his Confessor with. Who refused it, saying, You had best keep your Money to drink.

XXVIII.

Another so strangely given to Swear∣ing, that he could scarce speak three Words together without rapping an Oath, confessed, that nothing was more frequent with him, than to say, The De∣vil take me. Whereupon the Confessor told him, how wicked and dangerous such an Expression was; and did so ter∣rify him, that he broke out into these Words, The Devil take me, if I swear any more.

XXIX.

A beautiful young Lady of Spain being at Confession, the Priest charmed with her Beauty, and desirous to get her Ac∣quaintance, askt her her Name. But the Lady, unwilling to satisfy his wanton Cu∣riosity, checked him in these few Words, Father (said she to him) my Name is not a Sin.

XXX.

A Monk, having quitted his Order, made his Address for Relief to Mau∣rice, Prince of Orange. The Prince asked him, Cujus causâ hûc venisti? Religionis, said the Monk. His Highness asked him again, Religio, cujus Generis? Faeminini, reply'd the Monk. Ergo, added the Prince, tu hûc venisti propter Genus faemininum. Which was a hint to the Monk, how sen∣sible Prince Maurice was, that the Con∣version of most Monks is very much lia∣ble to suspicion, and that their turning Protestants do's too often proceed from a loose Principle, more than a true Sense of Religion.

LAWYERS.

I.

AN eminent Counsellor at Law, be∣ing asked why he took upon him so many bad Causes, being so good a Lawyer; I have (says he) been cast in so many good Causes, and got the better in so many bad ones, that I am to seek which to chuse.

II.

Lysias having given his Plea to his ad∣verse Party to peruse, this read it three times, and gave his Thoughts of it in these Words. The first time (says he) I read it, I liked it well; the second time, not so well; and the third, not at all. Then, re∣ply'd Lysias, it will pass, for the Court will hear it but once.

III.

A Counsellor blind of one Eye, plead∣ing at the Bar with his Spectacles on, said, he would produce nothing but what was ad Rem, to the Point. Then, said the ad∣verse Party, you must take out one Glass of

your Spectacles, which indeed was Insignifi∣cant.

IV.

Another ill-favoured Counsellor, who had but half a Nose left, could not read audibly a Writing that was relating to his Plea. One of the Judges, who had a well-sized Nose, called for Spectacles to help him to read. Sir, said the Counsellor be∣ing nettled at it, I hope, if I get Spectacles, you will lend me your Nose to clap 'em on.

V.

One, whose way was to read all his Pleas, having done Reading, another stood up a∣gainst him. Who was so often interrupted by the first, that he told him at last, Sir, by your favour, I let you Read a whole hour without Interruption, pray, let me plead qui∣etly one half Hour.

VI.

An Advocate of Toulouse in France, cal∣led Adam, made the President all his Spee∣ches; except one he ventured to make, in Adam's absence. Which when the Presi∣dent delivered, he was so puzzled with it, that it made one of the Assistant Judges cry out, Ʋbi es Adam? where art thou Adam?

VII.

A Pick-pocket in France, being taken in the Fact at a Court of Judicature, was im∣mediately brought before the Court, to

answer the Charge; and, as the way is there, had Counsel allowed him, and ap∣pointed by the Court, for his Defence. Whereupon his Counsel took him aside, and asked him, if he had pickt any Man's Pocket? 'Tis true enough, says he. Hold your tongue, reply'd the Counsel, and follow my Advice. Go thy ways, and make thy Escape with full speed. No sooner said, but done. And, whilst the Delinquent took his Opportunity, his Counsel came gravely to the Bar again. The Court asked him, what he had to say in his Client's Defence. Gentlemen, says he, he has freely owned to me the Matter of Fact. But he being under no Guard, and I appointed his Counsel by the Court, I thought the best Counsel I could give him was to make his escape; upon which he vanished away pre∣sently. This proved a Subject of Laugh∣ter, and nothing amiss could be fixt upon the Lawyer.

VIII.

A studious Man in the Law took upon him to cut a Partridge at Dinner, but could never hit the Joint. Sir, said one of the Guests, Were it not better for you to know less of the Law, and understand Ana∣tomy better?

PHYSICIANS.

I.

TWO Physicians being in Consul∣sultation about a Patient, they spoke Latine together, not think∣ing he understood it. At last one of them talked of a Remedy, which had not been yet experienced, and said unto the other, Faciamus periculum in animâ vili, let us try it upon this poor Soul. Which the Patient over-hearing, he got upon his Knees, and said, Vilem Animam appellas, pro quâ Christus non dedignatus est mori?

II.

Seneca used to say of a multitude of Books, Onerat discentem Turba, the great Number of them is rather burdensom, than useful. But one may better say of Physicians, Onerat Aegrotum Turba, no∣thing is more pernicious to a sick Body, than a Crowd of Physicians. For com∣monly the ablest of 'em is the most con∣tradicted, and minded the least of all.

III.

Mercatus, Physician to Ferdinand King of Spain, was so familiar with his Master, that acting one day the part of a Surgeon in dressing the King's Leg, which had a Bone out of Joint, he told him, he de∣served a thousand Pistols for this Piece of Service. To which the King made this ingenious Return, Sume quantum vis, ha∣bes Claviculam.

IV.

A facetious Doctor being sent for to a Gentleman, who could take no Rest for a Rhume he had in one of his Eyes, upon Examination of the Matter, Chear up, says he to his Patient, your Case is not de∣sperate; in few Days all will be well, if you can but See it.

ORATORS, AND PHILOSOPHERS.

I.

WHEN Plato withdrew from the Court of Dionysius, who would fain have had a famous Philosopher for his Flatterer, they parted in some Unkindness, and Dionysius bad him not to speak ill of him, when he was returned into Greece. Plato told him, he had no leisure for it; meaning, that he had better Things to mind, than to take up his Thoughts with, and talk of the Faults of so bad a Man, so notoriously known to all the World.

II.

When Men speak ill of thee, said Plato, live so, as no body may believe them.

III.

Phocion was very tart in the Orations he made to the Athenians; whereas De∣mosthenes used a quite contrary Method,

and soothed them up in his Speeches. If this People, says Demosthenes to Phocion, do once break loose upon thee, thou art undone, and they will sacrifice thy Life to their Fury. Thou runnest the same hazard, reply'd Pho∣cion to Demosthenes, if ever they come to themselves.

IV.

Alexander the Great having sent rich Presents to Phocion, he refused them; and asked his Embassadors, to what purpose he had sent them to him? Because (said they) he looks upon you as the most worthy Man of Athens. Then, reply'd he, all I desire of him is to leave me such as he takes me to be.

V.

It was a pretty Fancy of Diogenes, when he perceived a tedious Discourse drawing near to a Conclusion, to express his Joy in these Words, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, I see Land.

VI.

The same, being brought before Philip King of Macedon, Philip called him a Spy. I am so, answered Diogenes, but it is of thy Ambition.

VII.

Being banished out of Sinope, his Birth-place, he ridiculed his Judges in these Lines he sent them from Athens. You

have, says he, banished me from my Native Place, and I confine you to your Houses. You dwell at Sinope, I at Athens. Here I converse with the best Men of Greece, whilst you keep company with the worst of Men.

VIII.

The same Diogenes, seeing a Company of unskilful Archers, none of which could shoot near the Mark, went and stood just before it. Being warned to stand off, he refused it, saying, he was in the safest Place.

IX.

Bias, the Philosopher, being in a Ship with a Company of lewd Men that called upon the Gods in the distress of a Storm, Hold your Tongues, says he to 'em, that (if possible) the Gods may forget you are here. Thus he pleasantly reminded them of their Vices, and the Punishment they might expect from the Gods whom they called upon.

X.

Aristippus being askt what he learnt by Philosophy, I learnt (says he) to live well with all the World.

XI.

How comes it, said Dionysius the Ty∣rant to Aristippus, that Philosophers are often seen to court Princes, and no Prince minds Philosophers? Because, answered

Aristippus, Philosophers know their Wants, and Princes do not know their own. By which Answer he meant, that,when Philosophers want Necessaries, they know how to ap∣ply to Princes for a Supply; but when Princes are in want of Vertue, Wisdom, or good Counsel, they are often ignorant of it, which makes 'em neglect the Means to purchase it. The Truth is, our Phi∣losopher (I mean Aristippus) was none of those conceited Philosophers, who asser∣ted Riches did no ways contribute to the Happiness of one's Life, and made it their Business by a shew of Arguments to ren∣der Wealth contemptible. But, as he knew the Conveniencies thereof, so he could make shift without it, and frame himself to all sorts of Conditions.

XII.

The same Philosopher making his Ad∣dress to the foresaid Tyrant, in the behalf of a Friend of his, and being denied what he asked, he threw himself at his feet to obtain it, and did then obtain it. He was blamed by several for making such a Sub∣mission, which they thought below a Phi∣losopher. But he confuted them by this witty Saying, that Dionysius had his Ears at his Feet; Meaning, that he heard none but such as humbled themselves before him.

XIII.

A rich Athenian asked him what he would have to instruct his Son. Five hun∣dred Drachms, said Aristippus. Five hun∣dred, reply'd the Athenian, I could buy a Slave for that Money. Buy one, reply'd Aristippus, and so thou shalt have two, mean∣ing his Son by the other. Thus he gave him to understand, that his Son would have the Vices of a Slave, if the Father did not bestow what was convenient up∣on him to bring him up.

XIV.

Socrates having saluted one who took no notice of it, his Friends were angry at the Man's Incivility. Why should you be angry, said Socrates, at the Man, because he is not as civil as I am?

XV.

Timon, so famous for his hatred to the Whole Mankind and therefore called Misanthropos, being invited to Dinner by one who affected to imitate him in his Ha∣tred, This is, said the Man to Timon, a pleasant Feast. 'Twould be so, reply'd Ti∣mon, if thou wast not here.

XVI.

Cicero was very lucky in his Wipes. To a Senator, who was but a Taylor's Son, he said, Rem acu tetigisti. And to a

Lawyer, who was a Cook's Son, Ego quo∣que tibi Jure favebo.

XVII.

To one who reflected upon the Mean∣ness of his Birth, he said, The Nobility of thy Family ends with thee, but the Nobility of mine begins with me.

XVIII.

To another, Metellus by name, who asked him what his Father was, he made this return, 'Twould be much more difficult, says he, to guess who was thy Father. Which struck home, Metellus his Mother having a wanton Character.

XIX.

A late Orator got his Hair cut off, in order to wear a Wig; which did so strangely alter his Countenance, that his nearest Friends could scarce know him a∣gain. Being imploy'd to open a Confe∣rence, which he did to admiration, a Friend of his told him, after the Conference, Sir, I knew you again only by your Eloquence.

AƲTHORS.

I.

CICERO, to express what Advan∣tage he reaped from reading of good Authors, has these Words, Soleo saepe in aliena Castra transire, non tan∣quam Profuga, sed tanquam Explorator.

II.

Pura Impuritas is the Character Lipsius gives of Petronius. Pura, in reference to the Style; Impuritas, meaning the ob∣scene Discourses that are in it.

III.

An Author making a System of the World, and having spent many whole Days about it, Remember, says a Friend of his unto him, that, when God created the World, he rested the seventh Day.

IV.

Isaac Vossius, intertaining one Day Mon∣sieur de Sorbiere at Dinner, pressed him to drink, telling him, that Sorberius came à Sorbendo.

V.

An Author's House being on fire, whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife, and bad her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern my self with the Houshold.

VI.

When Varillas his History of Heresies came out, his very Friends found many Flaws in it. Which made one of them tell him, between Jest and Earnest, that he had writ a Book full of Heresies.

VII.

Dr. Heylin, a noted Author amongst us, especially for his Cosmography, hapned to lose his Way, going to Oxford, in the Forest of Whichwood. Being then at∣tended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way, till he had brought him past the Wood to the open Fields. But the Doctor telling him, he could not tell which Way to lead him, Strange! said the Fellow, that you, who made a Book of the whole World, cannot so much as find your Way out of this Wood.

VIII.

The French Book called Les Origines de la Langue Françoise, and written by Mon∣sieur Menage, being mentioned to Queen Christina, Menage (says she) is a Man,

who will not only know whence a Word comes, but whether it goes.

IX.

One having writ a Book, in order to publish it, sent it first to a competent Judg to peruse it, and have his Opinion of it. Who having perused the same, told him his Opinion was, that he should leave out one Half, and suppress the other.

X.

Another being come to wait on a Lear∣ned Man in the Winter Season, and sit∣ting with him by the Fire, pulled a Co∣py out of his Pocket, which he in∣tended for the Press, and begged of him to cast his Eye upon it. Who having read some Pages over, but finding little or no∣thing in't fit for the Publick, held the Book to the Fire; saying, Sir, if you please, we may bring it to Light presently, and you will find this the best way to gratify the Publick.

XI.

A Gentleman telling an Author, that he was reduced to live upon the Muses Milk; That cannot be, reply'd the Au∣thor, being the Muses are Virgins, and there∣fore without Milk, unless you have prostitu∣ted them.

XII.

In the Year 1665, the French Academy were very busy in settling the Gender of

a Comet; some being for the Masculine, and others for the Feminine Gender. At last starts up one of their Members, say∣ing, To what purpose is all this Debate, when the Comet now to be seen may easily deter∣mine the Point? 'Tis but looking, adds he, under its Tail.

XIII.

An Author, having found but one Fault of the Printer's in a Book of his finished at the Press, was in a quandary, whether he should make it Errata or Erratum. But a Friend of his told him, Let me but per∣use the Book, I warrant you I shall find ano∣ther Fault, and that will make it Errata.

XIV.

A French Author, in an Epigram of his against a Maker of Anagrams, expresses thus the Pains he takes to find Words in Words, Evisceratis Verba quaerit in Ver∣bis.

XV.

Daniel Heinsius loved Drinking, which discomposed him sometimes for his Le∣ctures. After one of his drinking Bouts, some unlucky Students pasted up these Words over the Door of his Lecture-Room, Daniel Heinsius non leget hodie, pro∣pter hesternam Crapulam.

XVI.

To one saying, that Tertullian's Style is Dark, it was answered, that it is like E∣bony, full of glorious Darkness.

XVII.

Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a Pension from the late French King, by the Mediation of Cardinal Richelieu, the Car∣dinal told him, I hope, Sir, you will not forget the word Pension in your Dictionary. No, my Lord, answered Vaugelas, neither will I forget the Word Gratitude.

XVIII.

A famous Member of the French Aca∣demy, being gone to the Academy, took the Abbot Furetiere's Place, whom he had had no Kindness for. Some time after, he said, reflecting upon Furetiere, Here's a Place, Gentlemen, where I am like to come out with a thousand Impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, there's one out already.

POETS.

I.

PHiloxenes, a Greek Poet, having been condemned by Dionysius the Tyrant to work in the Quarries, for not approving some Verses of his making, the Tyrant released him to shew him some new Verses of his. And, as he had a great Ambition to pass for a good Poet, so he did not doubt but the Relea∣sing of Philoxenes would induce him to give his Approbation to this his Trial of Skill. But he was much surprised, when the Poet hearing his new Verses, cry'd out, Let me go back again to the Quarry.

II.

Another Poet, who had often presen∣ted Augustus with Verses to his Praise, the Emperor in a jocose humour told him one Day, that it was but just, he should make him some Return for his Verses, and at the same time presented him with an Epigram he had made. Which being read by the Poet, he presently pulled a Purse out of his Pocket, in which were

some Pieces of Gold. This he presented to the Emperor, telling him, that he wished he had a better Present to make him, in Return of his fine Verses. Thus he cun∣ningly insinuated to the Emperor, that a Poet ought not to be paid by a Prince in his own Coyn; and Augustus was so plea∣sed with the Fancy, that the Poet fared much the better for it afterwards.

III.

Pontanus having made an Enigm upon a Hole, in this following Verse,

Dic mihi quid majus fiat quo pluria demas; Scriverius answered extempore, Pontano demas Carmina, major erit.

IV.

When Mary Stuart was Wife to King Francis I, this Verse was made upon her,

Jure Scotos, Gallos Thalamo, Spe possidet Anglos.

V.

An Italian Poet having offered a Copy of Verses of his to the Censure of an ex∣cellent Critick, he made such Corrections and Alterations in it, that it proved quite another Thing. Tutto se né andato in li∣matura? Is all filed away into Dust? said

the Poet, upon sight of it. Which is ta∣ken out of Pliny Junior, who says in one of his Epistles, Ferrum expoliendo non tam splendescit quàm atteritur, Iron wears out more than it grows bright, by polish∣ing.

VI.

A French Poet, having made an Ode to the King, apply'd himself to Malherbe, as a competent Judg, in order to improve it. Who, upon the perusal of it, told him, it wanted but four Words; which the Poet pray'd him to write down himself. Mal∣herbe taking his Pen writ under the Title AƲ ROI, To the King, these four Words, Pour torcher son Cul, To wipe his Back∣side. That done, he folded up the Pa∣per, and gave it to the Poet; who, su∣specting no Sham put upon him, returned him a thousand Thanks for it.

VII.

One Quinault, a Frenchman, having made a Play, which was going to be acted, he explained the Drift of it to a Gentle∣man. The Scene, says he to him, is in Cap∣padocia; and, to be a competent Judg of the Piece, one must travel thither, and under∣stand the Genius of the People. You are in the right, answered the Gentleman, who had no great liking unto it, and my Opi∣nion is, that Cappadocia would be the

most proper Place for that Play to be acted in.

VIII.

Another Poet presenting the Prince of Condé with Moliere's Epitaph, the Prince told him, Would to God it were Moliere himself with your Epitaph. Thus that clear-sighted Prince expressed in a lively man∣ner the great Respect he had for the de∣ceased Poet, and the slender Esteem he had for the living.

IX.

Bonnefons, a French Poet, who lived in the Reign of Henry III of France, is much admired to this Day for his Love-Poetry; but especially for one piece of it, which begins thus, Dic, Acus, mihi, quid meae Puellae, &c. The same he concludes, bid∣ding the Needle to prick his Mistress's Heart, not her Finger; which he do's in these three admirable Verses.

Quantam hinc referes, Superba, Laudem! Hâc te cuspide vulnerâsse Pectus, Quod nullis potuit Cupido Telis.

X.

Another French Poet of good Fame, being blamed for going always on foot, made these Extempore Verses;

Je voi d'illustres Cavaliers, Avec Laquais, Carosse, & Pages; Mais ils doivent leurs Equipages, Et je ne dois pas mes Souliers.

XI.

This following Epigram was made a∣gainst Bell-Ringers, as a troublesom sort of Men in Society;

Great Persecutors of the Land, Who to our Quiet are a Check, I wish you had about your Neck, The Rope that you hold in your hand.

XII.

An English Poet, having made an ex∣cellent Panegyrick of Oliver Cromwel, un∣dertook to make one of King Charles II, which fell much short of the other. Be∣ing ask'd the Reason of it, We Poets, said he to the King, have always better luck in Fictions, than Realities.

PAINTERS, AND PICTƲRES.

I.

AN Italian Painter, having drawn S. Peter's Picture bespoken by the Pope, His Holiness found fault with it, that it was too high-coloured. To which the Painter made this bold Re∣turn, that he had represented S. Peter, blushing at the Lives of his Successors.

II.

A Gentleman, seeing a very good Pi∣cture of S. Bruno, the Founder of the Car∣thusian Order, and being asked his Opi∣nion of it, Were not it, says he, for his si∣lent Rule, it would speak.

III.

The Ear only (said one of a good Pi∣cture) and not the Eye, can find that it wants Speech.

IV.

A Gentleman observing, in a car∣ved Piece, Justice and Peace kissing each other, Do but mind (say he to a Friend of his that stood by) how they imbrace and kiss each other; They are doubtless upon part∣ing, and never will meet again.

V.

A Picture lookt upon to be the Master-piece of the famous le Brun, representing Darius his Royal Family at the Feet of Alexander, stood between two Originals, one of Raphael Ʋrbin, and the other of Paul Veronese. Cardinal Chigi, a Nephew of Pope Alexander VII, being asked his Opinion about le Brun's Picture, 'Tis very fine, says he, but it has two ill Neighbours. By which Answer he ingeniously gave the preeminency to the two other Pictures, and gave the French to understand that le Brun's Picture (tho never so good) was not fit to be exposed near such Originals.

SCHOLARS.

I.

IT was a pat Answer, which a Scholar made to Queen Elizabeth; who asked him in Latin, how often he had been whipt? His Answer was in these Words of Virgil,

Infandum, Regina, jubes renovare Dolorem.

II.

No less ingenious was that poor Schol-boy, whose Condition the Queen being in∣formed of, Her Majesty bad him make some Verses upon this, Pauper ubique jacet; Which he wittily performed thus,

In Thalamis, Regina, tuis hâc Nocte jacerem, Si verum hoc esset, Pauper ubique jacet.

III.

A Scholar riding on Horseback, and finding that whatever he said to the Horse

in English could not make him go fast enough, try'd at last what he could do in Latin. Non ibis, mala Bestia, says he to his Horse, etiam admotis Calcaribus? That is, Won't you go neither, you dull Animal, thô I spur thee never so much?

IV.

Another gone a hunting was forewar∣ned to be silent, lest he should fright the Game away. He hapned to see some Rabbets, which made him cry out in La∣tin, Ecce Cuniculi. The Rabbets hearing his Voice fled, and he wondred (said he) how they should come to understand Latin.

V.

An University Scholar being so hot in Discourse at the Hall-Table that the Fel∣lows could hear him, the Dean sent to him to be quiet, with these words, Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur. To which he returned this Answer, Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.

WAR, OFFICERS, AND SOƲLDIERS.

I.

A Great Difference (said one) be∣twixt Peace and War is this, that in Times of Peace the Sons bury their Fathers, whereas in Time of War the Fathers bury their Sons.

II.

Salustius says, the Romans warred with the Gauls pro Salute, for their Preserva∣tion; but with the other Nations pro Gloria, to advance their Glory.

III.

Upon the least Victory got by MARCƲS ANTONIƲS, there could hardly be found Beasts enough for Sacrifices. Which made his Friends tell him once, as they were going to Ingage, We are undone, if you get the Victory.

IV.

At the Battel of Newport, the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army be∣fore him, and the Sea behind him, did thus encourage his Souldiers. If (says he) you will live, you must either eat the Spaniards before us, or drink the Sea behind us. They chose the first, and fell upon the Spaniards with such an Appetite, that they got an intire Victory over them.

V.

When Darius, King of Persia, sent Pre∣sents to Epaminondas, that famous Greek Captain; he spoke thus to those who brought them. If Darius, says he, be de∣sirous to keep a good Correspondence with the Thebans, he needs not purchase my Friend∣ship; and, if he thinks otherwise, tell him (as Potent as he is) that he has not Wealth enough to corrupt me. A noble and gene∣rous Answer, shewing in a lively manner both the greatness of his Soul, and the clearness of his Understanding.

VI.

A valiant Commander, being told that the Enemy did far exceed him in Num∣bers, undauntedly made this return. Then (says he) there will be enough for us to kill, enough to take Prisoners, and enough to run away.

VII.

Le Baron des Adrets, a Ring-leader of the Huguenots Party, having took a Ca∣stle from the Roman Catholicks, con∣demned the Garrison to leap down from the Top of a Tower belonging to the Castle. One of the Souldiers stept twice forward to the brink of the Precipice, but frighted with the sight of it stept back every time. The Baron bad him leap without any further delay, and threatned to put him to greater Torments, if he de∣clined it the third time. Sir, answered the Souldier, if you find the Thing so easy, do you take (if you please) four Times to do it in. Which Fancy the Baron was so taken with, that he freely forgave him for it.

VIII.

A French Officer asking an English∣man, when we were forced to quit France, what Time he thought we should Return thither? When (says he) your Sins are greater than ours.

IX.

A young Officer, speaking of the Ma∣reschal de Turenne, said, that he was a pretty Man. And you, my Son, said the Father who stood by, are a pretty Sot, to speak thus of the greatest General in the World.

X.

A Souldier, being in the Trenches, was called to Dinner by his Comrades. But he answered, He would eat nothing, till he were sure of a good Digestion.

XI.

A Braggadochio chanced, upon an Oc∣casion, to run away with full speed. Which made one ask him, what was be∣come of his great Courage? 'Tis run down, says he, to my Heels.

XII.

In a Sea-sight betwixt the Venetians and the Turks, a Venetian ran into the Hold, and kept snug there till the Fight was over. When he found the shooting over, he peeped up, and said, Siam' presi, ò a∣viam preso? Are We, or the Turks, beaten?

TRADESMEN, AND COƲNTRYMEN.

I.

SEveral Tradesmen had great Sums of Money owing them by a Gentle∣man, who put them off from Day to Day. One of them coming too close upon him with a pressing Language, he gave him a box on the Ear. The Trades∣man went to a Magistrate, and com∣plained of it; who advised him to leave his Bills with him, and he would take care to see them paid. Some time after, the said Magistrate brought the Bills to the Gentleman, and asked him whether the Tradesman had received any Thing in part? Yes, Sir, (says he) he had a good Box on the Ear.

II.

A Dier being commanded by the Court to hold up his Hand, it being all black, the

Judg bad him pull off his Glove. My Lord, reply'd the Dier, You had more need put on your Spectacles.

III.

A Tradesman that would never work by Candle-light, was asked the reason why? To save Candles, says he; A Peny saved is a Peny got.

IV.

One admiring the Happiness of Clergy-men used to say, I will be a Clergy-man in this World, whatever comes on't in the next.

V.

Another seeing a Wax-taper covered with Lewis D'or, and carried for an Of∣fering to a Saint, being in a Rapture at the sight of it, cried out, How glorious and taking are the Church Ceremonies?

VI.

A melting Sermon being preached in a Country-Church, all fell a weeping, ex∣cept a Country-man. Who being ask'd, why he did not weep with the rest? Be∣cause (says he) I am not of this Parish.

VII.

A Country-man admiring the stately Fabrick of S. Paul's Cathedral, asked, Whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea.

VIII.

Another being an Eunuch, was asked by a Gentleman, how he came to have no Beard? The Country-man, observing he had a Red one, made him this Return; Sir, says he, when God was pleased to make the Distribution of Beards, I came when there was none left but Red ones to distribute; and I chose rather to be without a Beard, than to have a Red one.

IX.

One, finding himself Indisposed, went to consult a Physician. Who advised him to take a Glister at Night, to be let Blood and take a Glister the next Day, and Phy∣sick the Day after. Being returned home, and considering that he was to go a Jour∣ney, he took all at once; and so set for∣ward, without any prejudice to his Health.

X.

Another being at the point of Death, his Son was sent to the Priest of the Parish something late in the Night. The Priest was fast asleep; and the Country-man, loth to awake him, knockt at his Door as modestly as he could. Thus he waited three hours at the Door, before he could speak to the Priest, as he owned it to him. Who, after he had blamed him for not

knocking harder, Friend, says he to him, to be sure your Father is dead by this time, 'tis too late for me to go. Don't fear, re∣ply'd the Country-man, for my Neighbour Pierrot promised me, that he would keep him in Discourse, till I came back.

XI.

A Woman, whose Husband was gone to the Wars, received Information of her Husband's being slain in a Battel. Great was her Moan upon it, which drew her neighbouring Gossips about her. One of which told her, for her Comfort, Your Husband (says she) had so great a Love for you, that, had he lost his Life, as is re∣ported, you would have had an Account of it from himself.

MASTERS, AND SERVANTS.

I.

A Steward to the late Duke of Guise represented unto him the Neces∣sity he lay under to lessen his Retinue, and gave him a List of several Servants that he thought fit to dismiss. The Prince having examined it, 'Tis true (says he) I might make shift without them; but did you ask them, if they could make shift without me? Thus, without disproving his Steward's Argument, he baffled it by a stronger Reason drawn from his generous Nature, and a Principle of Justice, requiring all Masters to have a due Regard for such as have been their Servants.

II.

A young Prince having learnt all his Exercises, and made his Course of Stu∣dy, one of his Servants was asked wherein he was most skilled? In Riding the great Horse, said he, for his Horses never flattered him. Whereby he slily in∣sinuated, that those who had the Care of his Studies stood guilty of Flattery.

III.

A Master speaking of his Servant, I command more (says he) than any Man, for before my Servant obeys me in one thing, I must command him ten times over.

IV.

A great Newsmonger being one day surrounded with People, to hear what News he had, he spied out amongst them a Livery-man, whom he bad go his ways. Upon which he made this Re∣turn, 'Tis my Master (says he) that sent me to keep a Place for him.

V.

Upon Execution-Days, it was the Way of a Gentleman to send out his Footmen to see the Execution, and that he called sending them to School.

VI.

A Man of Quality intertaining at Din∣ner several Persons of his Rank, one of his principal Servants did something that did not please him; for which he gave him a Check before all the Company in Words to this purpose, You little know (says he) how to carry your self, as you ought. Sir, reply'd the Servant, how should I know better, that never lived from you?

VII.

A Gentleman being gone to wait up∣on another, one of his Servants told him, There was no speaking to his Master, he being in a secret Rapture with his Lady.

VIII.

A diligent Lackey, come all in a muck-sweat to his Master, told him, Sir, I made all the haste I could. You need say no more, reply'd his Master, for I smell it out very well.

IX.

A Gentleman in Company with others said, he knew not an honest Man, and strenuously maintained his Proposition, which some of the Company took offence at. Whilst they were hot upon this De∣bate, a Servant of the Gentleman, in whose House they were, came to tell his Master, there was an honest Man below who desi∣red

to speak to him. An honest Man, said his Master, how do you know that, you Ras∣cal? (Upon which words he gave him a blow with his Cane) Do you pretend to be more knowing than that Gentleman, who says, he knows not so much as one honest Man? The Blow was given, and the Servant cried out amain. But, to quiet him, his Master gave him a Crown-piece.

MARRY'D MEN AND WOMEN.

I.

A Man lookt upon to be Rich, but very much Indebted, courted a good Fortune, and got her. Some Days before their Marriage, he used this Stratagem, to smother the Reflexions he expected upon the account of his Debts. Being in the House of his future Mother-in-Law, he walkt one day wrapt up with his Cloak, in a melancholy posture. Upon sight whereof, she fearing he was out of Order, asked him several times, What was the Matter with him? To which he answered as often, Nothing. Soon after he was marry'd, his Mother-in-Law, seeing what she little expected, a Crowd of Creditors with him, Son (saith

she) you have deceived me. You may re∣member, Madam, if you please (reply'd the Son-in-Law) how often I answered No∣thing, when you asked me, before I marry'd, What was the Matter with me?

II.

An old rich Counsellor, had only one Daughter, courted by a young, proper, and handsom Gentleman, but sunk in his Fortune. Who, to raise himself in the World, made it his Business to compass this Lady, with her Father's Consent. But the Meanness of his Estate, and her Father's Covetousness, must needs be two great Obstacles. However he found a way, by his Industry, to bring his Design about. Having got the Lady's good Will, he goes one Day with a good Fee to her Father, in order to have his Ad∣vice. He told him how the Case stood with him, but concealed the Party. The Counsellor, pleased with the Fee, advi∣sed him to Marry the Lady privately, and offered to give him a Note under his Hand to a Parson of his acquain∣tance, that should Marry them with all speed and secrecy. The Business was done accordingly, and the young Cou∣ple were marry'd. Which done, he

brought his Wife to ask her Father's Blessing; Who was not a little surpri∣sed, but pleased at last with the Strata∣gem.

III.

A Lady unmarried, who had two Si∣sters, the elder married to a Duke, and the younger going to be marry'd to a∣nother Duke, was not a little vexed to see her self, as she said, between two Stools the Breech on the Ground.

IV.

A vertuous Lady being desired by ano∣ther, to tell her what Method she took to preserve her Husband's Affection to her; I make it (says she) my Business to please him in every Thing, and to bear pa∣tiently whatever comes amiss from him.

V.

Another, being asked in a scornful man∣ner what Portion she had brought to her Husband, What you never had, answered she, and that is Chastity.

VI.

A Man seeing his Wife often whisper∣ing in the Ear of a Gentleman, desired to know what it was. I defy you, an∣swered

she, to guess, for we speak good Things of you.

VII.

A Gentleman having got his Wife (a Beauty) convicted of Adultery, sent her to a Monastery, and in her place took a Concubine. Which being discoursed of in Company, one said, If the Gentleman had such a fancy to a Whore, he needed not to have parted with his Wife.

VIII.

Pisistratus being resolved upon a second Match, his Children asked him whe∣ther it was for any Discontent he had received from them? Far from that, reply'd he, for I am so well satisfy'd with your Carriage to me, that I am willing to have more Children of so good a Temper.

IX.

A Gentleman being resolved to Mar∣ry, because forsooth he wanted Compa∣ny anights, and had no body to speak to, a Woman was brought unto him in these Words, Sir, here's one that will keep you talking.

X.

Another, Married in the Morning, was so little affected with it, that he

forgot it before Night, and was a go∣ing to lie at his old Lodging, had not his Man remembred him of his Spouse.

XI.

A Lady had a Husband very kind and complaisant to her, but that he never minded the sublime Pleasures of a con∣jugal Life. She complained of this to her own Relations, and they to him. But they speaking of it only in general Terms, he said, he wondered at his Wife's Dissatisfaction; sure he was, that he never denied her any Thing she de∣sired. Upon this, her Relations were fain to come to the Point, and to tell him down-right the Cause of her Discontent. She is to blame, answered her Husband, for she never asked me for that she so much wants. And they replying, that those things are usually granted with∣out asking, he made this Return, That Thing (says he) is little worth, which is not worth asking.

XII.

A French Countess being married to one whom she had no Love for, they were fain at last to part, and live asun∣der. The Countess after some time

changed her Religion, and being asked the Reason of it, I changed (said she) that I may not meet my Husband in the next World.

XIII.

A Minister, having married a cou∣ple of his Friends, told them after∣wards in Merriment, that, if they could not agree, they should come to him a∣gain, and he would unmarry them. It was not long before Dissentions arose between them, and they went both to the Minister, in order to be divorced. Who asked them, which of the two had the greatest Desire to leave the other? For (says he) I married you, till Death does you part; and, before you can be par∣ted, I must dispatch one of you.

XIV.

If Adam, asked one, were still living, how could he Marry again, all Women be∣ing come from him in a strait Line?

XV.

A marry'd Man, suspected of Impo∣tency, met with another who had often jeered him about it. Sir, says he unto him, your Jest is spoiled, my Wife is newly brought to bed. Well, reply'd the other,

your Wife was never lookt upon to be Impo∣tent.

XVI.

Some Ladies speaking of the great Pains they suffered in their Labours, For my part (said one) 'tis less Trouble to me, than to swallow the Yolk of an Egg. Then sure, Madam, reply'd one of the Com∣pany, your Throat vs very narrow.

DYING MEN AND WOMEN.

I.

THE ancient Romans were so su∣perstitious, and so apt to flatter their Emperors, as to Deify them after their Decease. Which made Ve∣spasian, one of their Emperors, being at the point of Death, express himself in these Words to his Friends about him, I find, says he, that I become a God, mean∣ing that he was a dying. Which he said probably, in derision to the Roman Su∣perstition and Flattery.

II.

A Man condemned to be hanged at Caen in Normandy, being come to the Place of Execution, protested, that he died Innocent, and summoned the Judg

to appear that Day Twelve-month be∣fore God. To which the Judg answer∣ed, I shall be guilty of Default.

III.

Socrates going to suffer Death, I am sorry, said his Wife to him, that you should die Innocent. And I, replied Socrates, should be very sorry to die otherwise.

IV.

Syward, the Martial Earl of Northum∣berland, finding himself a dying, rose out of his Bed, and put on his Armour, say∣ing, That it became not a valiant Man to to die lying, like a Beast, and so gave up the Ghost. As valiantly both spoken and performed, as it was by Vespasian.

V.

N. Heinsius, Son of Daniel, being upon his Death-bed, charged a Friend of his with Compliments from him to the Duke of Montausier, Monsieur Bigot, and seve∣ral others.

VI.

A Popish Gentleman being at the point of Death, a Confessor was brought unto him. And being told what he was come for, he lookt upon him, and said, I nei∣ther

know you, nor you me; and so bidding him farewel, turned his Face from him.

VII.

A Priest having given the Extream Unction to another dying Priest, aged 90 Years, Your Turn will come, Brother, said the dying Priest to him, Your Turn will come.

VIII.

A dying Gentleman advising with ano∣ther about a Preamble to his Will, he told him of one he knew of. Where the usual Words, In the Name of the Father, &c. were followed by these, I shall soon have done, having but little to bequeath.

IX.

One, dictating his Will to some Law∣yers, left a great many Legacies, more than his Estate could bear, and shewed his Disposition to leave Something likewise to the said Lawyers. Who, having writ hitherto very quietly, began now it was their Concern to ask the Testator out of what these Legacies must be paid? for upon this, say they, doth depend the Va∣lidity of the Will. That I know very well, answered the Testator, and that's the Thing which puzzles me most of all.

X.

Another, well knowing the Steward's way to make Hay while the Sun shines, made this an Article of his Will, I leave nothing to my Steward, because he has served me Twenty Years.

XI.

Impious, rather than Witty or Fa∣cetious, was that Dean's Will in the Reign of Henry III; who bequeathed his Estate to the King, his Body to the Earth, and his Soul to the Devil.

XII.

One who had been always Jocose in his Life-time, lying upon his Death-bed, his chief Clerk came, and desired he would leave him a Legacy. Upon which he gave him a Key, and told him that, in such a Drawer he would find that which would make him drink. Dying not long af∣ter, the Young Man greedily opened the Box, and found in it but two red Her∣rings.

XIII.

A Person of Quality, deeply indebted, fell dangerously ill. His Confessor being sent for, he begged of God, in the pre∣sence of his Confessor, that he would be

pleased to prolong his Life, until he had paid his Debts. The Confessor, putting the best Construction upon his Words, told him, his Principle was so just, that he hoped God would hear his Prayer. Whereupon the Person of Quality, turn∣ing to one of his Friends, whispered these Words in his Ear, Should God grant my Request, I should be sure never to die, for I would never pay my Debts.

BƲRYINGS.

I.

UPON one's saying, that the Heart of King Francis I, was bury'd at Rambouillet, another said, Then he is all there, because he was all Heart.

II.

John Duke of Bedford, Regent of France, was buried in the Cathedral of Rouen in Normandy, in a fair plain Mo∣nument. King Charles VIII, of France, being advised by one of his Courtiers to deface it, as a disgraceful Monu∣ment to France, he would not hearken unto it, but made this generous Return; Let him rest in peace, says he, now he is dead, whom we feared, while he lived.

III.

A Gentleman having sent his Wife to be buried four or five hours after she was dead, one came and told him, that she was scarce cold yet. No matter, says he, do as you are bid, she is dead e∣nough for me. He was in the right, she being of a great age, when he mar∣ried her: So that it was said of him, that, to help him to live, he had con∣tracted Society with a dead Body.

IV.

Another being buried by his Order, without a Coffin, in a Capuchin's Habit, a Widow that had lost her Husband by his means, cried out in the funeral-Pro∣cession, Murderer, thy Disguise will sig∣nify nothing, God will find thee out for all that.

V.

A poor Country-woman in Poitou fell into such a Lethargy, that her Husband and all about her gave her over for dead. To bury her, they wrapt her up only in a sheet, as is usual with poor people in those Parts, and so carried her to the Place of Burial. But the Bearers passing too near a Thorn-bush, she was prick'd alive again out of her Lethargy.

Fourteen Years after, she died in good earnest. Her Husband, fearing another Resurrection, remembred still the Thorn-bush, in the way to the Church-yard. So that when her Corps came near it, he carefully cried out several times, Take heed of the Thorn-bush, and come not too near the Hedge.

EPITAPHS.

I.

UPON King HENRY I. Who being dead, his Heart and Brains were bury'd in Normandy, and his Body in England.

HENRICI, cujus celebrat Vox publica Nomen, Hoc pro parte jacent Membra sepulta Loco. Quem neque viventem capiebat Terra, nec unus Defunctum potuit consepelire Locus. In tria partitus, sua Jura quibusque re∣signat Partibus, illustrans sic tria Regna tribus. Spiritui Coelum, Cordi Cerebroque dicata est Neustria, quod dederat Anglia Corpus habet.

II.

Another Poet made him this flattering Epitaph;

Rex HENRICUS obit, Deus olim, nunc Dolor Orbis; Numina flent Numen deperiisse suum. Mercurius minor Eloquio, vi Mentis Apollo, Jupiter Imperio, Marsque Vigore gemunt, &c.

III.

MAƲD the Empress was Daughter to the foresaid King, Wife to Henry IV Emperour, and Mother to King Henry II. Happy in her Poet, who in one Distich thus expressed her Princely Parentage, Match, and Issue.

Magna Ortu, majorque Viro, sed maxima Partu, Hîc jacet HENRICI Filia, Sponsa, Parens,

IV.

Upon King HENRY II, who by his own Right annexed to the Crown of Eng∣land the French Provinces of Anjou, Maine, and Touraine; by his Wife, Aqui∣tain; and by Conquest, Ireland.

Sufficit hic Tumulus, cui non suffecerat Orbis, Res brevis ampla mihi, cui fuit ampla brevis.

V.

Upon King RICHARD, surnamed Coeur de Lion, renowned for his Conquest of Cy∣prus, and great Exploits in the Holy Land.

Hîc, RICHARDE, jaces. Sed Mors si cederet Armis, Victa timore tui cederet ipsa tuis.

VI.

This Epitaph was also made upon him.

Istius in Morte perimit Formica Leonem. Proh dolor! in tanti Funere Mundus obit.

VII.

Queen JANE, who died in Child-birth of King Edward VI, and used for her Device a Phenix, being her paternal Crest, had this alluding thereunto for her Epi∣taph;

Phaenix Jana jacet, nato Phaenice, dolendum Saecula Phaenices nulla tulisse duos.

VIII.

The said King EDWARD, being snatched away by Death in his Youth, had this Distich made upon him;

Rex, Regis Natus, Regum Decus, unica Regni Spesque Salusque sui, conditur hoc Tumulo.

IX.

Upon the Removal of Queen ELIZA∣BETH's Body from Richmond (where she died) by water to Whitehall, there were written these passionate doleful Lines.

The Queen was brought by Water to Whitehall, At every stroke the Oars Tears let fall,

More clung about the Barge; Fish under water Wept out their Eyes of Pearl, and swam blind after. I think the Barge-men might with easier Thighs Have row'd her thither in her Peoples Eyes; For howsoe'r, thus much my Thoughts have scann'd, She'd come by Water, had she come by Land.

X.

Upon Prince HENRY, eldest Son of King James I.

Reader, Wonder think it none, Thô I speak, and am a Stone. Here is shrin'd celestial Dust, And I keep it but in trust. Should I not my Treasure tell, Wonder then you might as well, How this Stone could chuse but break, If it had not learnt to speak. Hence amaz'd, and ask not me, Whose these sacred Ashes be. Purposely it is concealed; For, if that should be revealed,

All that read would by and by Melt themselves to tears, and dy.

XI.

On Queen ANN, the said Prince's Mo∣ther, by King James.

March with his Wind has struck a Cedar tall, And weeping April mourns the Cedar's Fall, And May intends no Flow'rs her Month shall bring, Since she must lose the Flow'r of all the Spring. Thus Marches Wind has caused April showers, And yet sad May must lose her Flow'r of Flowers.

XII.

Upon the great GƲSTAVƲS, King of Sweden, who died Victor in the Field.

Seek not, Reader, here to find Intomb'd the Throne of such a Mind As did the brave GƲSTAVƲS fill, Whom neither Time nor Death can kill.

Go, and read all Caesar's Acts, The Rage of Scythian Cataracts, What Epire, Greece, and Rome has done, What Kingdoms Goths & Vandals won. Read all the World's heroick Story, It is but half this Hero's Glory. They got their Victories living, But our Hero got this dying.

XIII.

This short one also was made upon him.

Upon this Place the great GƲSTAVƲS died, While Victory lay weeping by his side.

XIV.

The following Epitaph was made upon Pope LƲCIƲS, born at Luca; who of Bishop of Ostia, became Pope of Rome, and died at Verona.

Luca dedit tibi lucem, LUCI, Pontificatum Ostia, Papatum Roma, Verona mori. Imò Verona dedit tibi verè vivere, Roma Exilium, Curas Ostia, Luca mori.

XV.

For Theobald of Bloys, Earl of Cham∣pagne, Nephew to our Henry I, Giraldus Cambrensis made this.

Ille Comes, Comes ille pius Theobaldus eras, quem Gaudet habere Polus, Terra carere dolet. Non Hominem possum, non audeo dicere Numen; Mors probat hunc Hominem, Vita fuisse Deum. Trans Hominem, citraque Deum; plus hoc, minus illud, Nescio quis, Neuter, inter Ʋtrumque fuit.

XVI.

William Earl of Pembroke, and Marshal of England, being buried in the Temple-Church, had this Epitaph made for him.

Sum quem Saturnum sibi sensit Hibernia, Solem Anglia, Mercurium Normannia, Gallia Martem.

XVII.

Something like it was that for Richard de Clare, Earl of Glocester and Hartford, who died in 1602.

Hîc Pudor Hippoliti, Paridis Gena, Sensus Ulyssis, Aeneae Pietas, Hectoris Ira jacet.

XVIII.

The Duke of Suffolk and his Brother, Sons of Charles Brandon, who died of the Sweating Sickness at Bugden, were buried together with this.

Ʋna Fides vivos conjunxit, Religio una, Ardor & in studiis unus, & unus Amor. Abstulit hos simul una Dies, duo Corpora jungit Ʋna Ʋrna, ac Mentes unus Olympus habet.

XIX.

Upon the first Seven Archbishops of Can∣terbury here's a joint Epitaph, as it is taken out of Gervasius Dorobernensis.

Septem sunt Anglis Primates & Protopatres, Septem Rectores, coelo septemque Triones,

Septem Cisternae Vitae, septemque Lucernae, Septem sunt Stellae, quas haec tenet Area Cellae.

XX.

Upon Stigand Arch-Bishop of Canter∣bury, this bitter Epitaph was made by some of his Enemies.

Hîc jacet Herodes Herode ferocior, hujus Inquinat Infernum Spiritus, Ossa Solum.

XXI.

A special Favourer of Thomas Becket, Arch-bishop of Canterbury, (who was slain at Christmass, in Christ-Church at Canterbury) made this Epitaph upon him, expressing the Cause, Time, and Place of his Death.

Pro Christi sponsâ, Christi sub Tempore, Christi In Templo, Christi verus Amator obit. Quinta Dies natalis erat, Flos Orbis ab Orbe Carpitur, & Fructus incipit esse Poli. Quis moritur? Praesul. Cur? Pro Grege. Qualiter? Ense. Quando? Natali. Quis Locus? Ara Dei.

XXII.

Vitalis, Abbot of Westminster, who died in the Reign of William the Conqueror, had this Epitaph.

Qui Nomen traxit à Vitâ, Morte vocante, Abbas Vitalis transiit, hîcque jacet.

XXIII.

One Peter, a Religious Man, had this.

Petra capit Petri Cineres, Animam Petra Christus, Sic sibi divisit utraque Petra Petrum.

XXIV.

Upon fair Rosamond, King Henry the Second's Concubine, one Mr. Daniel made this.

Hâc jacet in Tumbâ Rosa Mundi, non Rosamunda; Non redolet, sed olet, quae redolere solet.

XXV.

The next was made upon Jacobus Triul∣cio, a restless Man, always in action while he lived.

Hîc Mortuus Requiescit Semel, Qui-Vivus Requievit Nunquam.

XXVI.

Upon a Gentleman named None, buried at Wimundham, who gave nothing to the Religious there, this following Epitaph was made.

Hîc situs est Nullus, quia Nullo Nullior iste; Et quia Nullus erat, de Nullo Nîl tibi, Christe.

XXVII.

At Geneva there's an Epitaph in these Words;

VIXI ƲT VIVIS, MORIERIS ƲT SƲM MORTƲƲS. SIC VITA TRƲDITƲR.

XXVIII.

One without Name had this Inscription on his Grave;

VIXI, PECCAVI, PAENITƲI, NATƲRAE CESSI.

XXIX.

Which is as Christian as that was pro∣phane of the Roman,

Amici, dum vivimus, Vivamus.

XXX.

Another did set down for his Epitaph this godly Admonition.

Look Man before thee, how thy Death hasteth; Look Man behind thee, how thy Life wasteth; Look on thy right Side, how Death thee desireth; Look on thy left side, how Sin thee beguileth;

Look Man above thee, Joys that ever shall last; Look Man beneath thee the Pains without rest.

XXXI.

Diego de Valles made this Inscription for his Tomb at Rome;

Certa Dies nulli est, Mors certa, incerta sequentum Cura; locet Tumulum qui sapit ante sibi.

XXXII.

Dr. Caius a Learned Physician of Cam∣bridg, and a Cofounder of Gonvil and Caius Colledg, has only on his Monument there,

FƲI CAIƲS.

XXXIII.

Julius Scaliger, only this;

SCALIGERI QƲOD RELIQƲƲM.

XXXIV.

And Cardinal Pool's is as short, but more savouring of Christian Antiquity. These are the Words,

DEPOSITƲM POLI CARDINALIS.

XXXV.

Mr. Burbidge, the Tragedian, had one fit for his Profession;

EXIT BURBIDGE.

XXXVI.

And Mr. Weymark, a constant Walker in Paul's, was as well fitted with this;

DEFESSƲS SƲM AMBƲLANDO.

XXXVII.

Upon Sir Philip Sidney, I find this;

England had his Body, for she it fed; Netherland his Blood, in her Defence shed;

The Heavens have his Soul, the Arts have his Fame; The Souldier the Grief, the World his good Name.

XXXVIII.

Upon a Young Man of great hope, a Student of Oxford made this;

Short was thy Life, Yet livest thou ever; Death has her due, Yet diest thou never.

XXXIX.

Upon Sir Francis Vere.

When Vere sought Death, arm'd with his Sword and Shield, Death was afraid to meet him in the Field; But, when his Weapons he had laid aside, Death, like a Coward, struck him, and he died.

XL.

Here is a short one, but without any stress of Wit, upon an ancient Knight, Sir..... Jernegan, buried cross-legged at Somerly in Suffolk.

Jesus Christ, both God and Man, Save thy Servant Jernegan.

XLI.

This following was made for a bad Li∣ver, who was buried in the Night under the Name of Menalcas, and that without any Ceremony.

Here lieth Menalcas, as dead as a Log; Who lived like a Devil, & died like a Dog. But I mistake, here he doth not ly, For from this Place he parted by and by; Making from hence his Descent into Hell, Without either Book, Candle, or Bell.

XLII.

Pleasant was the Epitaph made upon an ignorant French Abbot, in these words;

Cy gît un ignorant Abbé, Qui ne savoit ni A, ni B.

XLIII.

A drunken Man, Elderton by Name, had this made upon him;

Hîc situs est sitiens, atque ebrius Eldertonus, Quid dico, hîc situs est? hîc potiùs sitis est.

XLIV.

Upon an old Miser, Sparges by Name, this was made;

Here lieth Father Sparges, That died to save Charges.

XLV.

Upon a capricious Man, this;

Here lieth Willing Wills, With his Head full of Wind-mills.

XLVI.

Upon another, who was ever out of hu∣mour;

Here lieth he, Who with himself could never agree.

XLVII.

On a litigious Man;

Here lies he, who in his Life With every Man had some Strife; And now he's dead, and in his Grave, His Bones no quiet Rest can have. For lay your Ear unto this Stone, And you shall hear how every Bone Doth crack and beat against each other. Pray for his Soul's Health, gentle Brother.

XLVIII.

One, who had a Shrew to his Wife, writ upon her this Epitaph;

We lived one and twenty Year, As Man and Wife together; I could not stay her longer here, She's gone, I know not whither. But did I know, I do protest, (I speak it not to flatter) Of all the Women in the World, I swear I'd ne're come at her.

Her Body is bestowed well, This handsom Grave did hide her: And sure her Soul is not in Hell, The Devil could ne're abide her. But I suppose she's soar'd aloft; For in the late great Thunder, Methought I heard her roaring Voice, Rending the Clouds asunder.

XLIX.

He was more happy in a Wife, who wrote this Distich upon her, after her De∣cease;

Quae pia, quae prudens, quae provida, pulchra fuisti, Ʋxor in aeternum, Chara MARIA, vale.

L.

Upon a notorious Liar, basely extract∣ed, yet by reason of his Name claiming Kindred of a most noble Family, this Epi∣taph was made.

Here lies M. F. the Son of a Bearward, Who would needs bear Arms in spight of the Herald;

Which was a Lion as black as a Jeat-stone, With a Sword in his Paws instead of a Whet-stone. Five Sons had this Liar, 'tis worth the revealing; Two arrant Liars, and three hang'd for Stealing. His Daughters were nine, never free from Sores; Three crooked Apostles, and six arrant Whores.

LI.

Upon a Dier;

He that died so oft in sport, Died at last, no colour for't.

LII.

Upon a Puritan Lock-smith.

A Zealous Lock-smith dy'd of late, And did arrive at Heaven's Gate. He stood without, and would not knock, Because he meant to pick the Lock.

LIII.

On a Gold-smith that Tipt Stone-Jugs with Silver;

He that did tip Stone-Jugs about the Brim, Met with a black Pot, and the Pot tipt him.

LIV.

Upon a Wrestler;

Death to this Wrestler gave a fine Fall, That tript up his Heels, and took no hold at all.

LV.

On a Butcher that marry'd a Tanner's Daughter;

A sitter Match has never bin, The Flesh is marry'd to the Skin.

LVI.

Upon Cosier, the Cobler;

Come, gentle Reader, gentle Friend, Come, and behold poor Cosier's End. Longer in length his Life had gone, But that he had no Last so long. O mighty Death! whose Art can kill The Man that made Soles at his will.

LVII.

On a Child drowned, catching of an Apple;

Disce meo malo, posse carere Malo.

LVIII.

Upon two beautiful Children, Brother and Sister, who wanted each of them an Eye;

Lumine Acon dextro caruit, Leonilla sinistro, Et potuit Formâ vincere uterque Deos. Parve Puer, Lumen quod habes concede Sorori; Sic tu caecus AMOR, sic erit illa VENƲS.

LIX.

U•••••• troublesom, talkative Woman;

Here at la••t doth she lie in quiet, Who whilst ••he lived was ever unquiet. Her Husband prays, if by her Grave you walk, You'd gently tread; for, if waked, she'll talk.

LX.

I conclude with that Ingenious Epitaph made upon Lot's Wife by Count Emanuel Thesaurus, in these Words.

Quam stupes muliebrem statuam, Tanto artificio fictam, Artifice caruit. Genita fuit, & sine Scalpello sculpta; Et, quod impensiùs mirere, Olim spirabilis, & loquuta. Brevi, Foemina fuit. Dicerem, est; Nisi prodigium videretur, Foeminam esse, & tacere. Sola Mortalium, nec Imaginis egens, nec Se∣pulchri, Ipsa suae stupiditatis Imago,

In semita haeret, Et in suâ Statuâ tumulatur. Licet igitur intra Metamorphoses numerare Foeminam ex verâ fictam; Imò nunc veram, quia fictam; Nam quid in Foeminis videas, nisi fictum? Itaque mentiri solita, se ipsam mentitur. Mortua Vivam simulat, vel Viva Mortuam. Magis mirêre, Quòd insulsa salsum migravit in Lapidem; In sale mortua, quo viva carebat. Sic solent Foeminae, sapiunt cùm percunt. Ah! fuge hunc salem, si sapis, Viator.

POSTSCRIPT.

I.

AMongst the Articles exhibi∣ted to King HENRY VIII. by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare, the last was, Finally, all Ireland cannot rule the Earl. Then the Earl shall rule all Ire∣land, said the King, and so made him his Deputy.

II.

A Person of Quality, travelling through Spain, went to see the Escu∣rial, that stately Monastery of Monks of St. Jerom's Order. As he was viewing the Magnificence thereof, the Superiour intertained him with

the history of its Foundation; and told him how Philip II. of Spain had erected it in performance of a Vow made by him when the Battel was fought at S. Quentin in Picardy, if he should come off Victorious. To which the Travellour reply'd, admi∣ring still the Vastness of the Build∣ing, Sure (says he) that King was in a great Fright, when he made so great a Vow. The Malice and Wit of which Answer consists in that it attributes a good Work to a ridiculous Fear, and that it measures the pretended Fear of King Philip by the Greatness of the Building.

III.

Monsieur de Bautru, being sent by the French King into Spain, went to see the famous Library of the fore∣said Monastery; where he found so ignorant a Library-Keeper, that he could give no Account of most Books therein. Upon his Return to Court,

the King asked him what he thought of it. 'Tis a very fine Library, an∣swered Bautru, but your Majesty should give the Keeper of it the Keeping of your Exchequer. Why so? said the King of Spain. Because, answered the other, he never Imbezelled what you have Intrusted him with.

IV.

Another having chosen an Illiterate Man for his Library-keeper, gave Occasion for an ingenious Lady to say of that Library, That it was a Seraglio, kept by an Eunuch.

V.

The late Duke of Lorrain being with a Cardinal, his Eminence took care not to be behind hand with him, and got the Precedency. The Car∣dinal's Chaplain attended him, who respectfully stept back to make way for the Duke. But the Duke took

him by the Arm, and made him go before him. Go on, Sir, says he to him, loud enough for the Cardinal to hear him, I always give Church∣men the Precedency. Thus confound∣ing the Cardinal with his Chaplain, he let the Cardinal know, that he respected all Churchmen as Mini∣sters of Religion, and that conse¦quently the Chaplain had as much Right as his Master to go before him, that is, no Right at all.

VI.

An Athenian telling a Lacedemo∣nian, that the Athenians had often repulsed the Lacedemonians from be∣fore Athens; Tis more than we can say of you, answered the other, Mean∣ing that the Athenians had never been so bold as to attempt the Taking of Lacedemon.

VII.

Upon another Athenian's saying, that the Lacedemonians grew Vi∣cious in foreign Countries, Tis true, answered a Lacedemonian, but no body contracts Vices at Lacedemon.

VIII.

John Scot, so famous for his Learn∣ing, sitting at Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him, what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which he presently reply'd Mensa tantùm, that is, the Table's breadth; for the other sat just over against him.

IX.

A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Re∣ligion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, where yours never was.

X.

A pleasant Fancy of an Italian, by name Trivelino. Who falling a∣sleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse, and got away. Trivelino being awaked, and missing his Horse, began to feel himself about, saying; Either I am Trivelino, or not; If I am Trive∣lino, my Horse is lost; If not, I got a Bridle, but know not how.

XI.

No less pleasant was the Adven∣ture of two Frenchmen in Florence. Who looking for one another in the Piazza of the old Palace, could not meet by reason of a Croud occa∣sioned by a Show. Till the Agnus being rung for, all the Italians fell on their Knees, and these two Frenchmen only remained in a stand∣ing

Posture; by which means they found one another.

XII.

One being told, that he was all of a piece; Ay, says he, but 'tis a good Piece.

XIII.

Another speaking of one, He speaks (says he) admirably well. Well he may, said one that stood by, for he does nothing but speak.

XIV.

An Italian carrying something un∣der his Cloak, a Frenchman asked him what it was. A Dagger, said the Italian. But the Frenchman, finding 'twas a Bottle of Wine, took it, and drank it all up. Then returning the Bottle, here's the Sheath however, says he to him.

XV.

A Man, looking upon the Stars, fell into a Ditch. Which gave Oc∣casion to this Verse,

Qui fuit Astrologus, nunc Geometra fuit.

XVI.

'Tis said of one who well remem∣bred what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had lost one half of his Memory.

XVII.

A Gentleman boasting to another, that he had Killed 300 Men in a Ship, the other, to be even with him, told him, that to see a fair Lady who kept close in a Room of his next Neighbour, he had ven∣tured one Day to slip down her Chimney. Which appearing fabu∣lous

to the Gentleman who in his Conceit had made so great a slaugh∣ter, I let you (says he to him) Kill no less than 300 Men at one bout, why should not you let me for once slip down a Chimney, to see a great Beauty?

XVIII.

Another, being set upon by Rob∣bers at five a Clock in the Morn∣ing, Gentlemen, says he to 'em, you open Shop very early to day.

XIX.

Wise was that saying of Dr. Med∣calf, You, Young Men, do think us Old Men to be Fools; but we Old Men know you to be so.

XX.

Audite Adolescentes Senem (says an Ancient) quem ipsi Senes audivere Ado∣lescentem; Young Men, hear an Old

Man, whom Old Men themselves vouchsafed to hear in his Youth.

XXI.

Apuleius, seeing a Closet all set round with precious Stones, said, Domus haec diem suum sibi ipsi facit, this Closet has its Light from it self.

XXII.

An old Man, in a Company speak∣ing of the Eye-sight, said these Words; Since I came to be old, I see more than when I was young, for I see double.

XXIII.

A Gentleman seeing a Nobleman Kneeling at Church without a Cushi∣on, threw his Muff at his Feet. What d'ye mean, said the Nobleman, to throw a Cat between my Legs?

XXIV.

Another being at Mass, one in a genteel Garb came to kneel by him, and soon after stretched forth his Hand as privately as he could to him, for a Charity. Sir, said the other, finding what he aimed at, you prevented me, I was just going to do the same by you.

XXV.

The Creed being sung but mad∣ly in a Popish Church, one stood up, and said, 'twas all false. And turning to those about him, Don't think, said he, that I renounce to the Christian Faith. 'Tis not the Letter I speak of, but the Musick.

XXVI.

A Friend of mine going beyond Sea, and desiring me at parting to take a place in his Album Amicorum, I writ down this Greek Verse of Homer,

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉.

That is, We must make much of a Friend while he is with us, and let him go when he thinks fit.

XXVII.

A Gentlewoman complaining, that she catched Cold, whenever she went abroad to buy Things in the Shops, because they lay open and exposed to the Air, an Acquaintance of hers advised her, Never to go thi∣ther but on Sundays and Holy Days.

XXVIII.

One seeking for a Lodging met with a Friend of his, and asked him whether his Landlord's House was very lightsom, or not? I have, an∣swered his Friend, lodged there seve∣ral Years; but always went out so early, and came home so very late, that I could never see Day-light in it.

XXIX.

Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security, and at a loss how to get it, offered instead of it a Secu∣rity and a she Citizen.

XXX.

'Tis said of one who never eat at home, and railed at every one, that he never opened his Mouth, but at the Cost of others.

XXXI.

A dignified Clergyman, having invited several of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fish-day, his Pur∣veyor told him, he had been in the Market, and that there was no Fish left but one Salmon, which was kept for a Judge. Whereupon his Master gave him a Bag of Money, bad him go back and buy the Sal∣mon and the Judge.

XXXII.

Two Gentlemen being together, one that could not go without a Stick, as the other could not read without Spectacles, the first seeing the other take up his Spectacles to read, Rather (says he to him) than make use of Spectacles, I should chuse to forbear Reading. And I, reply'd the other, rather than go with a Stick, I should forbear going.

XXXIII.

In Montagne's Book of Expences, there was this Article amongst o∣thers; Item, for my lazy Temper, 1000 Livers.

XXXIV.

A Man, having dreamt that he was eating of a new-laid Egg, went to an Interpreter of Dreams, to know the Meaning of it. Who told him, the White of the Egg signify'd Silver, and the Yolk Gold, so that he must prepare himself for a good Chance. And 'twas not long be∣fore he had a Windfal, which brought him both Silver and Gold. He went to thank the Interpreter, and pre∣sented him with a piece of Silver. But the Interpreter, who loved the Yolk better than the White of an Egg, did not forget to put him in mind of it. Nil ne de Vitello?

XXXV.

A Person of Quality owed a Gen∣tleman a Thousand Pounds. Meet∣ing together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate, the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. And I beg, said the Gentleman presently, a thousand Pounds.

XXXVI.

To one asking, why a lean Per∣son is apter than a fat one to Love? this Reason was given; Be∣cause a lean Person's Heart being nearer, for want of Flesh, is more ea∣sily wrought upon.

XXXVII.

If you ask, why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners? this is the Reason one gives for it; Because 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them.

XXXVIII.

A Gentleman riding an unruly Horse, the Horse capered and kick∣ed; and the Rider, unwilling to yield, whipt and spurred him as fast. One that stood by bad him, have more Wit. Another to whom the Fact was related, I know the Story, says he, but 'twas not to the Ri∣der he spoke, 'twas to the Horse.

XXXIX.

One that had a stinking Breath fell a singing before Company. The Words are very good, said one of the Company, but the Air is naught.

XL.

A Minister in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door, and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the use of Silkworms. After some Years he bestowed the Money up∣on the Reparations of the Portico, with this Inscription upon it, MORI LƲCRƲM.

XLI.

The first time Dr. Casaubon went into the Sorbonne, before it was re∣built, he was told concerning the Hall, that it had served four hun∣dred Years for Disputations. Ay, but (says he) was there ever any De∣cision made in it?

XLII.

Upon an Eclipse of the Sun which hapned some Years since, a Gen∣tleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Visit; who ask∣ed him, What News abroad? The Sun (says he) Madam, plays at bo∣peep.

XLIII.

A Gentleman speaking of the Houses of Paris said, They were so very high, that they hindered the Pro∣spect of the City.

XLIV.

In the Gallery of Versailles there are long Forms of massy Silver, so that many Men together can't lift one up. Upon sight whereof the Embassadors of Siam said, it was a very good way to secure them from Thieves.

XLV.

Cardinal du Perron had a Bro∣ther, who was an Hermaphrodite. When he was born, the Midwife ex∣plained the Case thus to the Mother. Your Son, says she, is a Girl, and your Daughter a Boy.

XLVI.

Few People know the Meaning ing of these five Vowels, A, E, I, O, U, thus placed in the Arch of the Em∣peror's Palace of Vienna. Where they were put in (it seems) to sig∣nify, Austriacorum Est Imperare Orbi Universo.

XLVII.

A Lacedemonian, being asked by one of the chief of Athens, but a wicked Man, who was the best Man at Lacedemon, made him this severe Return, He is the best Man there, says he, that is least like unto thee.

XLVIII.

An Italian Priest, called il Piovano Arlotto, famous for witty Repartees, being come to Naples, went to pay his Respects to King Alphonso, then reigning. Who being informed, that he kept a Book of the most noted Errours of the chief Men of his Time, Sovereign Princes not ex∣cepted, asked Messer Piovano, whe∣ther or no he was in his Book. I'le see, answered Piovano; who, by the King's Order, went and fetched the Book. Being returned, he shewed the King the Place of the Book he was in, with these Words, Errour committed by Alphonso King of Na∣ples, in sending a German belonging to his Court into Germany with 12000 Florins of Gold, to buy Horses for His Majesty. Upon sight whereof, the King asked him wherein lay the Errour. In trusting the German with

such a Sum of Money, answered Pio∣vano. But, if he comes back with the Horses, repli'd the King, or brings me my Money again, what then, Messer Piovano? Then, says he, I'le put your Name out of my Book, and write the German instead on't. Which Answer the King was so well plea∣sed with, that he sent home Piova∣no with Presents, after he had in∣tertained him for some time at his Court.

XLIX.

A Monk going to Preach some Leagues off, went to Dinner at a poor Country-Priest's House, who had neither Bread nor Wine good enough for him. The Monk sent out to buy better, with some other Provisions. And, as he was ready to sit at Table, he came out with a fine Service of Silver-gilt enamel∣led. Which so dazzled the Priest, that he asked the Monk, whether he had made his Vow of Poverty. Do you question it? said the Monk. Then, reply'd the Priest, You and I could make a good honest Monk, for you made the Vow of Poverty, and I observe it.

L.

The Duke of Ossuna, being Vice∣roy of Naples, went on a great Holy-day to view the King of Spain's Galleys, in order to set some Slaves at Liberty, according to his Pri∣vilege. He asked several of them, what Crime had brought them to their slavish Condition. And all pretended to be Innocent but one, who freely owned all his Crimes, and confessed that he deserved a much severer Punishment. Away with this wicked Man, said the Duke, lest he should pervert all those good Men of his Gang. Thus the Galley-Slave, by his ingenuous Confessi∣on, got his Liberty; whilst the rest were ridiculed, for want of Inge∣nuity.

LI.

A Grandee of Spain being desirous to have a good Scholar with him to converse with, a Friend of his presented him one. Whom he asked presently, whether he could make Verses. You shall judge of it, My Lord, said the Scholar, by what I have done; and brought him the next day a great Bundle of Spanish Ver∣ses of all sorts. Upon sight where∣of, the Grandee told his Friend, that Man was not fit for him. And his Friend asking the Reason of it, I confess, answered the Grandee, that I count him Ignorant who can make no manner of Verses, but that Man sure is a great Fool for having made so ma∣ny as he shewed me. A pleasant Satyr against all professed Poets, I mean such as make it their whole Business to make Verses.

LII.

Two Brothers lodging together, who were very like one another, and had the same Name, a Gentleman desired to speak to one of them. Which of them, said one of the Ser∣vants, The Counsellor, said the Gen∣tleman; They are both Counsellors, answered the Servant. He that Squints; They squint both. He that is Married; That they are both. He that has a handsom Wife; They are both handsom. 'Tis then he that is a Cuckold; By my Troth, Sir, I think they are both Cuckolds. Well then, said the Gentleman, these two Bro∣thers are the most like that ever I heard of.

LIII.

A Princess of great Wit came in a Province, where the Ladies came t•• pay her their Respects. Finding lit∣tle in their Converse that deserved her Attention, and being howeve•• willing to keep 'em in Discourse, s•••• asked a young Lady of the Tow•• where she was, how many Children she had. I have three, Madam, an¦swered the young Lady. Not long after, the Princess, taken up with o∣ther Thoughts, asked her again the same Question. To which the young Lady made this smart Repartee, I have not, Madam, been brought to Bed, since you first asked me the Question, and so I have still but three. Which free and pleasant Answer, as it quickened the Princess's Attention, so she ever since had the greater esteem and love for the Lady.

FINIS.