Feign'd friendship, or, The mad reformer as it was acted at the theatre in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields.

Scene the Park.

Enter Truelove and Townley.

Tru.

MAY I believe my eyes, or is it illusion? I charge thee in the name of pleasure, speak: art thou the natural substance of Jack Townley, or some evil Spirit in his fleshly cloathing?

Town.

The very He—true Flesh and Blood, but such another con∣juring Speech would strip me of my mortality. What d'ye stare at? Where is the wonder?

Tru.

To see you abroad at this unseasonable hour, when Hypocr••tes and Women walk bare-fac'd—May I presume to guess?

Town.

Yes, and be mistaken—To deal fairly with you, I have business of concern, business that implies no less than—

Tru.

Your own dear self — Business I know suits you as Religion do's a Statesman, 'tis always a cloak for something worse.

Town.

Fy, fy, you talk wildly, I must reprove you; come, come, be wise, take up in time, and live sober as I do.

Tru.

As you do! very good, that to me, who have known thee thus long a true Son of Bacchus, a notorious Friend of the Bottle, and consequently no Enemy to the Pettycoat.

Town.

I own the Indictment; all this may have been, but times and resolutions are alter'd. You shall see me shortly —

Tru.

What, in the name of Whimsy?

Town.

A grave serious Lover. I am come already to Melancholy and Contempla∣tion, and 'tis hop d I may in time arrive at Rhime.

Tru.

Then thou wilt be a publick nuisance to all companies. A Lover or a Poet se¦parately are down-right Lunaticks, but where they meet 'tis frenzy upon frenzy, bu•• heark'ee Jack, art thou really in earnest?

Town.

Last night this reformation began, I retir'd soberly at ••ine, went to bed spent the night in meditation, and am come hither this moreing to play the foo•• very deliberately.

Tru.

Preth••e how! Certainly 'tis something entertaining, but be it what it will I am prepar'd to believe all after what I have already heard, which I no more thought than that a Lawyer would refuse a fee, or a Courtier keep his promise.

Town.

The business is this, yesterday at the New-house, I talkt to a Vizard, who rally'd me so gently, and put me so handsomely out of conceit with my own Wit, that I shall have the better opinion of hers for it while I live — She would not let me see her face, but to my confusion assur'd me she was honest and a Fortune, and to give me a sample, shew'd me such a hand, Harry, such a hand that i'gad if she be all of a piece I am in for a silly out-of-fashi••n'd, honourable Lover.

Tru.

Very good: Proceed.

Town.

When the Play was done, I handed her to her Coach, where she told me if I thought it worth my while, I might this morning in this very place see all of her that is to be seen.

Tru.

And so here your goodness took root.

Town.

It did, but the pert little baggage ran so in my head, that I could not sleep for her.—Nay I had not the poor pleasure of a Dream.—I shall be reveng'd.

Tru.

You come upon reprisal it seems, and hope to make as easie a conquest of her, as she has of you: I only wish that the end may be answerable to the begin∣ning; she have Beauty enough to subdue, you weakness enough to yield, then shall I have the pleasure of turning your Passion into ridicule, as you have often done mine.

Town.

Hey-day, what gawdy butterfly have we before us there? it moves this way.

Tru.

Some country Elder Brother I suppose, drest up like a Merry Andrew, for the publick view of all his gaping relations.

Town.

Oh! I know him now, 'tis a noted sharper, one Squeezum.

Tru.

He that prest in upon us at the Blue-Posts t'other day?

Town.

The same. The Rogue has Wit, which I believe he has put to the stretch for this gorgeous appearance.

Enter Squeezum.

Squ.

Gentlemen, your very humble Servant; you are surpriz'd I see at this bravery of mine. Is then this sudden change from my tatters of ancient memory to modish accoutrements so wonderful?

Tru.

A little startled at first I confess we might be, but upon recollection are well enough satisfi'd, that Fortune now a-days provides liberally for men of your Character, and takes care Knaves sha'n't fail, by being so kind to Fools as she is. While the Bank is in their hands, you can never want Cash.

Town.

Why should they, it would be too much for a man to build his own for∣tunes, if he had no tools to work with. Levelling is no where to be found, nor are men more equal in Sense than in Fortune: Fools are like a Plantation, all you can make useful are your own.

Squ.

It would indeed be hard, Sir, if we who bear all the scandal of cheating, should not share in its profits. 'Tis true the world begins to grow weary of us, but 'tis because we are not as great Masters in the Art as themselves.

Tru.

How? will you own that? Such as you generally stickle for superiority more than an Alderman's Wife, at a City Christening.

Squ.

O Lau, Sir, I always give place to my betters. I can't deny that they wh∣gull the world with fair pretences of Religion and Honour, and hide all their vices in an hypocritical Ostentation of Virtue, go far beyond us, who can't help being some∣times caught in those tricks which they can conceal.

Town.

He says right, vice is never discountenanc'd, till it grows publick: Cheat∣ing is in it self but a venial trespass, but to be taken, to be seen, as Father Aldo says, is, before George, a point next the worst.

Squ.

Yet there are Chymists who can extract reputation ev'n out of that Scandal.

Tru.

As how? I should be glad to know how much Mercury performs the ope∣ration.

Squ.

'Tis done thus—If a Tradesman be taken cheating, it is good husbandry, and prudent caring for his Family. If a Statesman, the intention of serving his King and Country, however he was mistaken in the means, brings him off. If a Levite tampering for Plurality, 'tis a great desire he has to be saving Souls, and labouring much in his Vocation.

Tru.

I stand corrected.

Squ.

The Quack cheats for the publick-good; the Lawyer takes Money on both sides, that he may serve both in order to a reconciliation. The Courtier won't refuse a Bribe, because it gives him opportunity to be grateful, nor keep the pro∣mise he made you for it, that he may not seem mercenary. Thus all Sharpers, but those who are professedly so, can retreat to the Jesuites refuge, Second intention.

Town.

Yet you must confess that your gains come easier than theirs: You enjoy the Treasure without the trouble of digging for the Ore.

Squ.

Quite contrary, we as well as other Projectors extract our Wealth from the Fire, and our hopes as well as their's often vanish into Smoak: When most I have nam'd are at no pains to be rich, nay some of 'em have their markets brought home to 'em.

Tru.

(to Town.)

A Pleasant Fellow this. Well but Mr. Squeezum, how goes the world abroad? is there no new stiring in Town?

Squ.

Faith, Sir, little. Reformation is the universal Topick talkt of in all places, and begun no where. We are Sheep at a Stand, and should make shift to get over the Hedge, if our Leaders had the courage to make the leap first. 'Tis true publick Houses are shut up on Sundays, so people get drunk at home. Honesty and Money are very scarce, and you will find as little of either amongst the Bankers as ever. Thieves and Whores give off their Trades, because nothing is to be got by them, and Tradesmen are grown such Infidels, that the poor Beaus are forc'd to pay their Bills to get new Credit—

Tru.

The discourse is edifying—Look out, Jack, yonder comes the Enemy, put your self upon the guard to prevent surprize.

Town.

Ha! 'tis she.

Tru.

Then 'tis time we withdrew—I will but cross the Mall, and call upon Frank Richley—by that time I guess your parley will be over, and we may find you here— Adien—be bold, the day is your own.

Squ.

Gentlemen, g' Morrow.

(Exeunt Squ. and Tr. severally.

Sabina crosses the Stage.

Town.

(to her.)

A••t thou then come at last, my dear Angel, I began to question your sincerity, and fear'd I should not meet with you.

Sab.

Me Sir — I believe you are under a mistake, I dare swear you don't know; may, that you never saw me —

Town.

But I hope I shall — ••y, Madam, this is not fair to conceal your self af∣ter last night's promise —

Sab.

Goodlack, I warrant you are the same importunate Gentleman I met at the Play-house; and you are so vain now to think, that design, not chance, has thrown 〈◊〉〈◊〉 upon you again.

Town.

Whether design or chance, I am sure to meet you is a happiness, such a one too as I have waited for with impatience.

Sab.

Well, to see how we ignorants that are bred up in the Country may be deceiv'd. I — have been always trade believe that it was not possible you Men of the Town should leave your Beds before twelve.

Town.

You may now be convinc'd of your errour: here am I attending your plea∣sure at the early hour when midnight Rakes stagger home, and old Lechers steal out of Brothels —

Sab.

Yes, I see you can rise upon Assignation, which you all answer as punctual∣ly as you do a challenge, with this difference only, that you are as much too hot in your Amours as too cool in your Duels.

Town.

Right, Child, and good reason for it too — In a Duel Life is the stake and the winner makes but a bad hand of it — But in an Intrigue, if our expectations be baulk'd, the loss can't be great, half a dozen Oaths, a few Sighs or so — when, if we succeed, and the fair surtenders, the pleasures of the Victory over-pay the charges of the War — Yet methinks this is not much to our purpose — If you remem∣ber, Madam, there were certain conditions agreed on between us last night, and I don't doubt but you are so much a Woman of honour as to stand to 'em this morn∣ing.

Sab.

I was terribly afraid he would not have thought 'em worth mentioning

(aside.)

Yes, Sir, I do own some such thing, but upon consideration think it more for your satisfaction and my own to break than keep 'em.

Town.

Nay, no flinching I am not to be put off with a flam: The agreement was — All of you that is to be seen, and I don't doubt but it will prove a charming sight.

Sab.

'Tis pity to undeceive you, you won't thank me for it — If your fancy has drawn a beautiful Image, how will you be startled to see the original come short of it —

Town.

I should be vext, that's certain

(aside.)

Pshaw, you must be handsome, I know it by instinct: now I see it through your Mask — You have — let me see, black rowling eyes, a pretty little mouth, ruby pouting lips, good natural red in your checks, and a tolerable clear Skin.

Sab.

Then my age is —

Town.

Sixteen to a day.

Sab.

What if I have none of all this, but am old, wrinkled, painted and tooth∣less —

Town.

Wert thou more deform'd than a Scotch hag, I would love thee for thy Wit — therefore.

Sab.

Prepare to see.

(unmasks.)

Town.

By Heav'n the loveliest Creature under the Sun, those very charms I de∣scrib'd —

Sab.

Well, Spark, what think you? You will advise me now, I suppose, to keep my mask on — ha, ha, ha, what dumb, Man?

Town.

And must be so for ever if I never speak till I am able to express what sud∣den pleasure seizes all my Faculties — with what admiration I see all those beauties in your single face, which are scarce to be found i•• your whole Sex besides —

Sab.

Heigh-day, this is worse than I thought for — I did not think to fright you quite out of your Wits.

Town.

Ah! cruel Charmer, why should you ridicule those truths which Love, Al∣mighty Love, extorted from my Soul — Yet you were kind in this a while to dally with my expectation, least a too sudden view had rais'd my transported spirits to that heighth of extasie, which is insupportable.

Sab.

And thus you begin the attack, open your trenches with all your train of Artillery in view to fright the besieged into Capitulation — I receive your Raptures as they were meant for a tryal of skill, and truly I must own you dissemble pretty naturally.

Town.

Can you then doubt my passion? — You are the dissembler now, or you won'd confess that you believe I love you —

Sab.

Since I can't help it then to save you the trouble of a rehears••l, and my self that of hearing it I do consent to think you somewhat smitten as you are with all new faces and in token of Soveraignty command —

Town.

And shall be obey'd with all the ardour Love and Beauty can inspire in man

Sab.

To tell me who the tallest of those Gentlemen was that left you just as I came up — Now for my Brother's Character —

Town.

His name is Truelove, Heir to a good Estate in Norfolk, his Person is as you see, agreeable, his Humour taking, his Wit poinant, and his Honour, unblemi••h'd — He knows how to be gentile without Foppery, Sociable without Debauchery, and is ev'ry way a compleat Gentleman.

Sab.

Truly, S••r, I am of your opinion, unless you, as most good Painters do, have giv'n him beauties he has not, instead of defects he has — however, in recompence of this service, if you continue in this mind a few hours, you may hear farther from me till when I leave you to the pleasures of Imagination.

Town.

Till that dear minute comes

My wand'ring thoughts o'er all your Charms shall rove, And gather all the pleasing sweets of Love.

Exit.

Enter Truelove and Richley.

Tru.

There he goes in his full career.

Rich.

St••p him not: he is hunting upon scent; we shall meet him next double — A happy couple, you that can give a loose to your appetite, and follow your pleasure in the full cry — .

Tru.

While thou, Frank, because thy Friends can't be without thee in the day, art resolved to prevent the Sun in rising, and run thy course of business before he be∣gins his —

Rich.

'Tis as you say, Harry, since you and some other honest fellows will make me pursue the pleasing game of beauty, I am forc'd to deprive my self of some hours sleep, to give 'em to that galling load of Life, that grave trifle which old sots call business, as if that noble creature Man were endowed with all those gen'rous incli∣nations he enjoys only to plod on in one dull road —

Tru.

To hate it more than I, you must turn Hermit, and fly all the laborious herd of mankind — But where have you dwelt these three days — that I could not get one sight of you, tho' I search'd as diligently as a rich Usurer after a Prodigal young Heir, or an old bawd for a fresh Country girl.

Rich.

Lighting by chance into Company with young Lord Frolicksome, we drank so long till he grew freakish, and then there was no stirring from him —

Tru.

I have heard much of him and his humour — Your living in the same house gives you opportunity to know both — prithee oblige me with an account of 'em.

Rich.

To give him his due — He has Honour, Wit, and Courage to recommend him to any Man's Friendship and Esteem, were it not for some odd frolicks which make the Town talk more freely of him, than 'tis for his reputation they should — He is now and then guilty of mad things, which because done by one of his figure, seem the more extravagant.

Tru.

'Tis with Men of quality, as with good Paintings, one fault is easily seen a∣mongst many Virtues, and casts a blemish on the whole piece.

Rich.

'Faith I am particularly oblig'd to his Lordship's favour; he was pleas'd to single me out of the whole Company for his Friend, and has desired me to attend him here, in order to greater Service —

Tru.

He wants your experience to steer him thro' some difficulty.

Rich.

But hark'e, Friend, how blows the wind at my Lady's, is it still in the point of Matrimony. — Ha, boy, what likelihood of to have and to hold? —

Tru.

Not a little, I assure you — she is none of the precise ones who call a second Marriage a Crime — She knows well enough what Nature and Education have done for her, and all the Town knows her old Lord left her worth 3000 l. a year.

Rich.

What obstacle then can put a stop to your happiness — You, I take it, have more Wit than to slight the enjoyment of such a Woman and such a Fortune — And she should have more Youth about her than to forget how much time she has lost in an old Man's arms —

Tru.

I have nothing to dread from her aversion or nicety — all my fears center in her old Uncle Sir William Loveland, — he is for Titles, and thinks that income will make her Her Grace, at least.

Rich.

That Uncle may be usefull

(aside.)

The old Banker, you mean, who thinks every man's vertues are seal'd up in his Bags, and never looks farther than the Writings of an Estate for his Character.

Tru.

Damn him, a mere muck-worm, who has kept perpetual Lent these thirty years, under pretence of mortification, when indeed it was only to save two dinners in a Week. Would he were dead —

Rich.

Dead! he is immortal, and can live by the air — Death he slights in all ••hapes, since he has braved him in his worst of famine — But what harm can he do ••ou?

Tru.

My Lady in hopes to get by him, seems politickly to leave all to his manage∣ment — This Authority he uses to declaim against Youth and Extravagance, not for∣getting a Friend of yours —

Rich.

Old men will talk, we should take no more notice of them than of a curst Cur, who, tho' he can't bite, will be still shewing his Teeth.

Tru.

Let him rail on — she, I think, likes me ne'er a jot the worse for his rough ••raught — therefore I am satisfyed —

Rich.

'Tis such a satisfaction that were I so near enjoyment as you are — I ••hould curse the lazy hours that retarded my bliss, and think all the time between ••he and it one tedious Scene of night and horror — She has charms would give life to age and make impotence vigorous — A Face —

Tru.

You are transported, but I impute your Raptures to kindness for me, and ••orgive 'em.

Rich.

You hit the cause. I can't see the man I love so nigh being int••••ely hap∣••y without sharing in his joy — 'Tis now the hour I should meet my Lord — ••ake a turn or two, and I'll be with you if I can —

Tru.

G'morrow.

Exit.

Rich.

(Solus.)

Love, what canst thou not do? Friendship is to thee what honesty ••s to interest, a mere Servant to be kept or turn'd off, as thou pleasest — I know 'tis ••a••e to rob him of her — Yet, if I do not, I rob my self of Rest for ever — My passion is ••ow grown to that height, that no difficulty can bar the discovery; nay, I had ••ike to have told him what a Villain I am grown — Yet, since I am got thus far, on •• must, for it is a sure Maxim in Policy, to be a happy Rogue a man must be a great one —

S••rv.

(to him)

Sir, my Lord Frolicksome?

Enter Lord Frolicksome,

Lord F.

Your Servant, Mr. Richley — I thought to have surpriz'd you at home, but understand now you are generally a very early stirrer.

Rich.

True, my Lord, 'tis a custom I always use: Business and Pleasure are to me what Wife and Mistress are to modish Husbands —

Lord F.

One you endure out of necessity, because you are linkt to it, the other you seek in hopes to find a real delight in it —

Rich.

Ev'n so — and I manage 'em accordingly, taking care to weary my self with one at home, that I may be more eager in pursuit of the other abroad.

Lord F.

As good a Sportsman as you are, you love to stand upon the sile some∣times, I perceive by your baulking your Glass, and observing your hour as precise∣••y as a Hen-peck'd Cuckold, who dreads civil broils at home, when the Gallant has fail'd his Wife's Assignation.

Rich.

Your Lordship was too hard upon us — i' my Conscience I believe you thought we could out-drink the Quorum at a Quarter-Sessions, or the to∣••ing Clergy at a Visitation — else you would not have ply'd us so.

Lord F.

That was nothing, we took our half flask a Man standing, after you were gone, and about morning bravely marcht our rounds in the Neighbourhood here — fell foul upon Overd••ne's Lodgings, enter'd, and found Squeezum hugging the whore, while an awkard Country Booby call'd No-wit sat snoring by in the two arm'd chair, and she was lightning his pockets —

Rich.

You have seen the Monster then — I knew his old Sire, a good hearty substan∣tial Clown he was who scraping together a little pelf, bred this Oaf at School, gave him a smattering of the learned Languages, and sent him away packing to the University —

Lord F.

Where no doubt he improv'd —

Rich.

He pick'd up all the Debauchery of the place, broke his Father's heart, and jampt into his Estate — He is now come to London for accomplishments, and has accordingly provided himself with such a Tutor as you saw — but pray, my Lord, who is this Overdone?

Lord F.

A cast Mistress of mine — whom, finding too familiar with my Footman, I turn'd loose to the World — She has been since kept by several — but her sawcy pride soon made them weary of her, and her, I suppose, of getting her living that way — therefore she intends to provide her self with a Fool of her own and will easily compass it if No-wit be what you describe him — for she neither wants beauty to bait her trap, nor cunning to keep the prey —

Rich.

Leaving them to one another may I be so happy as to know your com∣mands?

Lord F.

Why, 'Faith, I want your advice — the young Lady I spoke of t'other day begins to encroach upon my heart, and I am in doubt whether I shall expel her by dint of resolution, or let her take quiet poss••ssion —

Rich.

Never resist a good motion — I see nothing you can apprehend of ill Conse∣quence in the Intrigue if her birth be answerable to her person and humour.

Lord F.

There's the mischief on't — I have been at the pains of enquiry, and find her to be our near Neighbour, Sister to the Lady Generous, her name Eugenia, her For∣tune 6000 — but am vi••hal inform'd, that she has often profest I should be the last Man she would admit for a Lover.

Rich.

Therefore the first — I thought you had been better read in the Sex, than to be ignorant that 'tis a Stratagem us'd in Love as well as War, to give out they intend to sit down before one Fort, and then bend their Arms against another —

Lord F.

That I can't tell — but I'm sure, if she thinks me worth conq'ring the will meet with no difficulty in the enterprize — One Summons, and I Surrender upon discretion.

Rich.

Never doubt it — she reserves you for her own, or she would never speak so slightingly of you before Company — Women are like sly Traders, who un∣dervalue the Commodity they design to buy, before others, that they may have it the cheaper themselves —

Lord F.

You ••id me hope then.

Rich.

Ev'ry thing — To be assured of a mans own Courage is half way to a Vi∣ctory — How will you proceed?

Lord F.

Improve the small acquaintance I have with the Sister, and make the On∣set in person — for I long to be deliver'd of this burthensome secret, more tedious to a Man of my Complexion than a Maiden-head to a Girl of Sixteen — shall we dine together —

Rich.

If possible I will wait upon your Lordship, about one —

Lord F.

Adieu —

Exeunt severally.

Enter Lady Generous and Eugenia in disguise.

Eug.

For a young Bully I huft it out pretty well, especially when I found what kidney my man was of — These breeches allow so much liberty, that I shall be loath to part with 'em — but to my Lady, to you I dare own that failing, tho' to all the World beside I pretend he is my aversion —

Lady G.

But what dost thou mean by this habit?

Eug.

Mean: To do such things under a pretence of imitating his humour, as will make him asham'd of it, and by letting him see how ridiculous the copy is, guess what the Original must be.

Enter Townley.

Who is this making towards us?

Lady G.

Townley by my life, the very Spark Sabina was so taken with at the play last night — He is her Brother's Companion and Confident — ha! let me see — it shall be so — Sister a word.

Whisper.

Town.

(Walks round)

My Lady Generous! that close whisper bodes no good to True∣••ove's amour —

Lady G.

Ha, ha, ha, Well — I protest, Sir Francis, you are a pleasant, Gentleman and rally so agreeably! I shan't forget your description of Mrs. Wouldhavemore a good while, ha, ha, ha —

Town.

Worse and worse — I am too good at guessing I see.

Eug.

My only study is to please your Ladyship —

Town.

Say you so Friend — g'ad then I must interrupt you — G' morrow to your Ladyship — You would not lose the fine morning —

Lady G.

But did not expect so good Company as Mr. Townley.

Town.

Small want of that I believe, Madam, while this Gentleman is with you —

Lady G.

Truly we have pass'd an hour or two very divertingly — The Mall afforded us a large field of Satyr, and this Spark — I thank him, has manag'd his pro∣vince much to my satisfaction — He comes up just to your pitch of Malice and Wit — I fancy your humours be very suitable — I must have you acquainted —

Town.

I am always ready to be a Servant to merit — Sir, I shall be proud to know you better —

Eug.

You are courtly — My Language is as plain as my Meaning, I can only say I thank you —

Lady G.

No matter for fine words — You will be nevertheless grateful to me for the want of 'em — Since I find your other qualifications no way short of my Un∣cle's Character —

Town.

'Tis as I imagin'd — poor Harry is to be cashier'd to make room for that smock∣••ac'd young rogue — I'll try her however — Mr. Truelove would have been glad my good luck had fall'n to his share — but Fortune does not always favour the deserving —

Lady G.

Your Friendship speaks this — You know constancy is a scandal to a man's Judgment — the Witty and gay make their court to Variety — She is your Mistress — We only properties to serve your ends — we shall be in a humour to be ev'n with you —

Town.

'Tis not Wit but Affection which makes men such Weather-cocks — par∣ticular follies should not be charg'd upon the kind — You may as well say all States∣men love bribes, and all Judges will be Knaves, because some of the first have sold their country — and not a few of the latter sleep away justice —

Lady G.

When his leisure serves he knows where to find me — but I would not disturb his more weighty concerns; so pray tell him —

Exeunt led by Eugenia.

Town.

(Solus.)

— So kind already — Nay then I see what must follow — Now can she no more resist the temptation of that effeminate look, than I can forbear loving, tho' I know it's consequences —

So the rich City Spark, while yet unwed, Sees the horns flourish on his Neighbours head, And laughs: Yet takes not warning by their fate Till his own fore-head tells him 'tis too late —

The End of the first Act.