The English Spira being a fearful example of an apostate who had been a preacher many years and then apostatized from his religion, miserably hanged himself, October the 13th, 1684 : giving an account of his dispair, and divers conferences had with him, by several ministers and others of his friends : together with his answer, and papers written by his own hand / left attested by Mr. T. Plant, Mr. H. Collings, Mr. B. Dennis, Mr. B. Keach.

The Effect of several Conferences between Mr. Child, and Mr. H. C.

MR. C.

I am come, Mr. Child, with a design to serve your Soul, if it lye in my power.

Mr. Child.

God hath for several Years past, been rending and tearing me in my Estate, cursing and blasting all I have put my hand to, and prospered me in nothing, (and, in much horror, clapping his hands to his Heart, said,) Here it is, and I shall die.

Mr. C.

I am informed your Trouble arises from the publishing a Book, entituled, The Second Argument for a more firm Union amongst Protestants. What part of that Book troubles you most?

Mr. Child.

(Taking up the Book in his hand, began to read where he saith, the greatest Number of Dissenters do hold Prin∣ciples dangerously heretical, and most abominably abusing the most holy and blessed God, &c. but before he could end that Para∣graph, being under extreme agony of mind, and weeping bitterly, put the Book from him, and spake to this effect, viz.) I have repre∣sented those of Calvin's Principles beyond whatever they conceived, strained their Opinions beyond their Intentions, and drawn such Consequences as never were in their minds, and, striking his breast with much anguish, said, These Words lye close; I shall never get over this; I writ in prejudice against them, calling them a villanous body of People, which was unjust.

Mr. C.

said, Are you not heartily sorrowful for writing this?

Mr. Child.

Oh that I could repent; I cannot repent.

Mr. C.

If it were now to do, would you do it again? the best part of repentance is to turn from evil.

Mr. Child.

I know there is in Repentance three things; Confession, Contrition, and Restitution.

Mr. C.

We are not capable of making God restitution, he par∣dons and justifies for his own Name's sake, and Christ's sake; but restitution is to be made to our Neighbour; and if you are sen∣sible God hath been dishonoured, and his People wronged in that Book, your next work is to make restitution in like manner, by a 〈…〉〈…〉

Mr. Child.

This is the opinion of some others also, and I think it ought to be done; (and walking about the Room, with great hor∣ror of soul, said,) I have been guilty of many Evils: I have for se∣veral years lived a very ungodly Life, neglected Family-duty, Clo∣set-duty, Publick-duty in the Church of God; I have been great∣ly guilty of Pride, endeavouring to run every man down in dispute; I have made this World my God, and been guilty of that Idolatry, Eph. 5. I have not been a little guilty of Hypocrisie; I have en∣deavoured by all ways and means to shake the Cross of Christ from off my shoulders; and I fear I have been guilty of Bla∣sphemy: I have wronged many a poor Soul by writing as I have done; I have wished myself in their condition, and would have given many Thousands of Pounds, (had I had it) to have been in as good a condition as some of them I writ against: I have di∣scoursed you, and Mr. B. and J. and have thought to run down your Opinion by a Spirit of Insolency and Pride, but the Judgments of God have followed me; he hath rent and torn me for these things, and now I shall die, I am struck with death.

Mr. C.

Suppose you should die to Night, (as we know not how it may be with any of us) can you contentedly sink into the Abyss of Misery, without striving for Salvation? would you not run to Christ? strive to take hold of him and his purchased blessedness.

Mr. Child,

(with a very grim countenance said,) I shall go to Hell; I am broken in judgment; when I think to Pray, either I have a flushing in my face, as if I were in a flame, or I am dumb and cannot speak, or else I fall asleep upon my knees; all the signs of one whom God hath left forsaken and hardened.

Mr. C.

If God should impute to you the righteousness of Christ, would it be of any advantage to you?

Mr. Child.

If God would be so gracious, as to impute Christ's righteousness to me, it would make me a happy man.

Mr. C.

Did you do what you did, in writing that Book, against the light of your Conscience, or motions of the Spirit?

Mr. Child.

I think I did not formally sin against the light of my Conscience and Spirit of God; yet what I did, was mixt with malice, with this cheat in my heart, It may be it may do them good. The Night before the Book was published, I had some reluctancy and gripes of Conscience.

Mr. C.

Why did you not call them in before they were pub∣lished?

Mr. Child.

I fell ill upon it, and found myself more and more

entangled and ensnared; one door was opened, and another door was opened to my ruin, as if I were a man designed for damna∣tion.

After some reasonings about Baptism, Conformity, and the Troubles which Nonconformists were under, (he said,) I have a∣bundance of carnal fleshly Reasonings, I am under the power of unbelief and distrust; for these are my Arguings in me, Should I stick to the Church of England, then those I have written against, would account me the greatest Hypocrite in the world, to make so much ado about despair, for what I have done against them; Should I leave the Church of England, and stick to the Dissenters, and with full purpose of heart cleave to the Lord, then, if ever I am taken in a Meeting, they will have no mercy on me, and tri∣umph, This is the Man who made his Recantation, and then ruin me to all intents and purposes, and I cannot bear the thoughts of a Cross, nor a Prison.

Mr. C.

Two things are essentially necessary to the peace of your Soul, with all speed to publish your Recantation, and set your self to know the truth of God, and cleave to it.

Mr. Child.

What an astonishing consideration is it for a man to die in this condition I am in; To be under horror for writing such things, and yet have no power to renounce it; for should I do so, I should be quickly ruined in my Estate; I had a fancy the other morning, that the Sheriffs and their Officers were coming to seize all that I had; and about a week since I had that word, Can thine heart endure, or thy hands be strong, in the day I will contend with thee? I think I am now able to satisfie any Atheist in the world, that there is a God; for I find the Arrows of the Almighty sticking in me, and he runneth upon me as a Lyon. I thought, that I could go and fall at the feet of those I have wronged, and beg their forgiveness, and wished often, Oh that I could repent! O that God would wash me in the fountain of his Son's blood! O that I had faith, that I could believe!

Mr. H. C.

(Taking leave of Mr. Child,) Can you not desire my Prayers?

Mr. Child.

This is a hard Question; (and, after a little pause, taking Mr. C. by the hand, said,) for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ, pray for me at night, if there be any mercy yet left, that I may yet lye in the way of mercy.

Mr. C.

(Finding the Troubles of Mr. Child still continuing and increasing,) What do you think would give you relief?

Mr. Child.

If I were in Heaven, it could not relieve me; for there I should behold the face of a holy God, holy Saints and An∣gels, (as now I behold the face of good men upon Earth) with shame and confusion of face.

Mr. C.

If God would take you into his favour, that would re∣lieve you.

Mr. Child.

His wrath is come upon me to the uttermost.

Mr. C.

To despair, reflects upon the Soveraignty of God's grace.

Mr. Child.

For those whose day of grace is not gone, God will multiply to pardon, but it is too late for me, my day is gone.

Mr. C.

Did not you write a Book before the second Argument?

Mr. Child.

I did.

Mr. C.

Did not a Gentleman write some Animadversions upon it, by way of Answer in a Manuscript.

Mr. Child.

He did.

Mr. C.

Was it a sufficient Answer.

Mr. Child.

It was rationally answered.

Mr. C.

Yet you printed this Book afterward.

Mr. Child.

I did.

After some time of calm reasoning, Mr. Child began to be again in a great horror, and spake to the effect following.

Mr. Child.

I am one of the greatest Hypocrites that ever lived upon the Earth, and shall be so accounted; God hath done his will, and will do his will upon me. The wicked shall fall into mischief, and the backslider in heart shall be filled with his own ways; He that saith he shall have peace, and walketh in the imagination of his evil heart, the Lord will not spare him, but then the anger of the Lord, and his jea∣lousie shall smoke against that man. Oh he thunders upon me! should God let out the sence of my sins on me, (as he will) I should houl like a Dog, roar like a Lyon, bellow like an Ox, mine inward parts would melt within me, as the brass melts in the flaming fur∣nace; I shall lye lower than Judas, lower than Judas, I have sinned worse than Judas.

Mr. C.

You make application of the Curses in the Book of God, but not of the Promises; Consider Isai. 55. Psal. 34.5.

Mr. Child.

Promises are Bread for Children; They lookt on him, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 were lightned; I look unto him, and am darkned; he knows, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 I have committed such wickedness as never hath been done.

〈◊〉〈◊〉 C.

Do you not sometimes find an inclination to Pray?

〈◊〉〈◊〉 Child.

Seldom or never; onely about an hour before you 〈…〉〈…〉 went about it▪ but the end was dismal▪ That day you

were here with Mr. W. I attempted it three times, but could do no∣thing.

Mr. C.

Shall I pray for you?

Mr. Child.

No, no; 'tis too late: neither Men nor Angels can relieve me.

Mr. C.

Job saith, Tho' he slay me, yet will I trust in him.

Mr. Child.

About two months since, I thought I had comfort and relief from thence, but now I cannot tru•••••• in him; God saith he will deal in a singular manner with me here on Earth, and in Hell also.

Afterwards quoted against himself those Expressions, Heb. 10.26. For if we sin wilfully, after that we have received and acknowledged that truth, there remains no more sacrifice for sin. 2 Pet. 2.20, 21, 22. For if after they have escaped from the filthiness of the world, through the acknowledging of the Lord and the Saviour Jesus Christ, are yet tangled again therein and overcome, the latter end is worse than the beginning; For it had been better for them, not to have acknowledged the way of righteousness, than after they have acknowledged it, to turn from the holy commandment given unto them: But it is come unto them according to the true proverb; The dog is returned to his own vomit, and the sow that was washed, to the wallowing in the mire. And Mr. Child said, When I am faint and low, I now take somewhat to refresh me, but in Hell there is no refreshment, not a drop of water to cool my tongue. I wonder that my Head (tho it do not ake) doth not burst asunder; it is filled with dismal Cogitations.

Mr. C.

with one Mr. R. gave Mr. Child another visit, and Mr. R. put him upon saying the Lord's Prayer.

Mr. Child.

I have thought of that, but I dare not say it, for these Reasons: 1st, I cannot call God, Father. 2dly, I cannot say, Thy Will be done. 3ly, I cannot say, Forgive me my Trespasses as I forgive them that trespass against me.— All that I have is curst to me; I can∣not give God thanks for what I eat and drink.

Mr. C.

Have you a desire to be saved?

Mr. Child.

Yes, upon my own terms, and not according to God's.

It was then askt Mr. Child, what those terms were? but he would make no answer; so we parted.

Notes

• ••g. 21.84.
• Aug. 3•• 1684.
• ••ept. 13. ••684.