The mourner directory, guiding him to the middle way betwixt the two extreams, defect, excess of sorrow for his dead to which is added, The mourners soliloquy / by Thomas Doolittle ...

CHAP. VIII. Contains Eight Rules concerning the de∣grees of Sorrow for the Dead.

First, THe Rules concerning the kinds and degrees of our Sorrow for the dead, are such as these.

Rule 1. Our Sorrow is not so much for the Death of a Stranger, as for the Death of a suitable and intimate Acquaintance. At the hearing of the Death of one, whom we had no Conversation with, we might entertain some Sorrow as he was one partaker of the same Humane Nature with us; as he was one that became liable to Death by the Sin of Adam, the common Parent of us all; as Death is a penal Evil upon Mankind, as Adam's Off-spring, and which God would not remit, nor except us from, when he cal∣led Adam to an Account for the Sin he had committed; and as he had a Rational and Immortal Soul, that is passed into Eternity, tho we know not to what State in that Eternity.

Rule 2. Our sorrom is not usually so much for an intimate Acquaintance when he dies, as for the death of Relations, excepr there be some other Circumstances that might alter the Case. For an intimate Friend that dieth, the sweet Converse, the Affableness of his Car∣riage, the Comfort in his Company, the Kind∣nesses he hath done, might oblige me to mourn for an evil (as death is) that hath befallen him; for if it would have been matter of sorrow to me to hear he was Sick, or cast into Prison, would not the same Principle and Love bind me to sor∣row, when he is lodged in the Grave: But all these and such like enumerated Circum∣stances there might be in a Relation; and besides these, some nearer natural Obligation, as partakers of the same Flesh and Blood, in a more immediate sense than all Mankind in Adom were; and this might add degrees of sorrow to what is the sorrow for an in∣timate Friend when he dieth. For being nearer by Bonds of Nature to us, the greater the sorrow when by death those Bonds are broke asunder.

Rule 3. The nearer the Relation is, usually the greater is our sorrow for the breach there∣of by death: So sorrow for those that are

near us by Consanguinity ordinarily exceeds the sorrow upon the account of meer Af∣finity. So also the sorrow of P••rents for the death of Children, and of Chil••ren for the death of their Parents, being nearer in Blood, ariseth to greater degrees, than that for others more remote. But the Conjugal Re∣lation being the nearest, whereby two become one Flesh, and breeds the strongest Affecti∣on, the dissolving thereof by death, begets, and feeds, and maintains the greater grief, pierceth deeper, and is more hardly born. For death cannot deprive us of a nearer Mercy than a part of our selves: As Chil∣dren are by Multiplication, Husband and Wife (that walk suitably to th••ir relation) by such an Ʋnion that cannot be dissolved but by death. Therefore that Relation that calls for the strongest Love of all others, while it holds; the dissolving of it calls for the greatest sorrow, when death doth cause it. If a Man must forsake his most Loving Father, and his most Tender Mother, to dwell with his Wife, because of greater Love he ought to have to her, then he should have greater sorrow for the death of this Relation than for the death of Father or Mother. For proportionable to the Love and Joy in the Object injoyed must be our sorrow▪ when we are totally and finally deprived of it.

Rule 4. The more persons did answer the ob∣ligation of a Conjugal Relation in mutual, real, constant Love to, and care of each others Tem∣poral, and Spiritual, and Eternal Welfare, the greater degree of sorrow as to the loss of the Survivor there may and ought to be: Though these may part at death with greater Com∣fort, because they filled up their Relation with Duty in time of Life. The more Fear and Love to God, the more Love and Care concerning their Relations, the more Conscientious performance of Relative Du∣ties, the more meekness of Spirit, the more kind Carriage and Sweetness of Temper and Disposition, the most suitableness in all re∣spect there was in both, the more grievous the separation by death to the Survivor must be: And who can forbear to sorrow for so great a Loss, when he doth sit so∣litary, and ponder deeply how great it is?

Rule 5. A Wicked Husband that is a constant Curse, and a daily Cross unto his whole Fami∣ly, whose Wife is in a worse condition for Bo∣dy and Soul, than if she were a Widow, and whose Children by reason of his want of Affecti∣on to them, and Care for them, are more ex∣posed to Ruine, than if they were Fatherless,

leaves little reason behind him, why they should grieve and sorrow for his Death upon their own accounts. For who can sorrow for a deliver∣ance from a daily Cross? Who can grieve for being eased of a Burden under which they so long did groan? Who can sorrow upon their own account that one is gone that did rather Hate than Love them, and filled their Hearts with daily sorrow, their Eyes with flowing Tears, and their Mouths with Heart-piercing Complaints? And why should any dissemble sorrow for such, by whose Wickedness and Sin against God and the Family, God was dishonoured and the Family ruined, when by death he is taken off from doing so upon Earth any more? Do you ask, who ever taught this Doctrine before? Job did, Job 27.13. This is the por∣tion of a wicked Man with God, and the He∣ritage of Oppressors, which they shall receive of the Almighty. 15. Those that remain of him shall be buried in death; and his Widows shall not weep. Were there ••ver any such Wi∣dows? Yes, Psal. 78.64. Their Priests fell by the Sword, and their Widows made no Lamen∣tation.

Rule 6. In mourning for such Relations that neither did their Duty to God, nor to their Family, but lived to God's dishonour and their dai∣ly

grief, and died without Repentance for both, our sorrow must be for their sakes, and not our own: For the ungodly and unnatural, as dying im∣penitently in their Sins, and for the Loss of their Souls, and Misery in the other World, as David did for Absolom; for tho our grief for them cannot mitigate their Torments, nor our Tears quench their Fire, yet it can∣not but be a grief to us, that our Relations should live and die in their Rebellion against God, and neglect of their Duties towards us, but did dishonour God whom they should have glorified, and overthrew the Family by their Sin and Wicked Lives which they should have built up and maintained: And as for their Sin while they lived, so dying impenitent for their Misery after death. The death of some puts an end to those Troubles, and Disquiet, and Crosses which they caused in their Families while they liv∣ed, that for their own sakes the Living can∣not find a reason why they should mourn be∣cause they are dead. But when they con∣sider their death was the beginning of their Intolerable and Eternal Misery, for their sakes they cannot but give place to sorrow: ••or while these Thoughts are working, my Husband is dead, and his Soul is Damned; it will be hard to keep sorrow from the Heart. And tho such sorrow doth not profit the

Damned Soul, yet unaccountable sorrow is not easily cast off: Nor can we always cease to sorrow, when we cannot give a reason of any good that is the fruit of our sor∣row. But yet a reason will be here sug∣gested, it was my Husband, or Wife, or Son, or Daughter that lived wickedly, and died impenitently; and the Soul of one so near is lost, is for ever lost. And Religion teaching us that the Souls of such are miserable, Nature will be working in us to lament their Misery; and this is sorrow for their sakes.

Rule 7. In mourning for those that lived holily towards God, and Conscientiously in their Relative Duties towards us, our sorrow is for our own sakes more than for theirs: The com∣mon saying our Loss is their Gain teacheth that the sorrow is for the Loser, and not for the Gainer: And indeed if we search to the bot∣tom of our sorrow, to find the reason of our sorrow for those that lived to the Lord, and died in the Lord, and after death do live gloriously and happily with the Lord; it will appear we are sorrowing more for our selves than for them: We call it mourning for the dead, when it is indeed mourning for our selves yet living; for let us enquire,

1. Do we mourn because their Souls are perfectly Holy and Happy with God and Christ above? No, this is matter of our Comfort, Delight and Joy. Did not we earnestly pray for them, sick and well, that when they left Earth they might be received up to Heaven? And do we sorrow that God heard our Prayers, and hath saved their Souls? Do we thus take on for this? Are our Tears shed because God hath Crowned their Grace with Glory? Are we grieving on Earth because they are rejoicing in Hea∣ven? Are we groaning here, because they are triumphing there? For shame we cannot say, this is the reason and ground of our sorrow, and that in this respect it is plain we do not sorrow for their sakes.

2. Do we mourn because they are fallen asleep in Jesus? Because they are gone to rest in their Beds? Because their Bodies in that state in which they are, remain united to Christ? Are these grounds of sorrow? Should we weep, and waste our Tears because these things are said of them? Or is it not matter of Comfort and Joy unto us, that it is so well with their very Bodies, as these things declared by God himself do import unto us? Is it not better to die in Christ than to live in Sin? Is it not better to sleep in Jesus

than to be naturally awake, and spiritually asleep in Sin? Is it not better for the Bo∣dy to lye still, and rest free from Actings of Sin, than to be able to walk in a constant course of wickedness? Is it not more mat∣ter of Comfort to have the Bodies of our Friends united to Christ in the Grave, than to have our Relations above ground sepa∣rated from Christ, and not united to him? If it be, let us cease over-sorrowing for them with whom it is better, tho in the Grave, and begin to sorrow for those with whom it is worse, tho they live with us. Which is matter of greater sorrow, a departed Saint, or a living Sinner? And shall we drop more Tears for one departed Saint than for twen∣ty living wicked Relations? Why so? When all these wicked ones are in danger of Hell, but the departed Saint is past that danger: The ungodly that do live are in danger of Eternal Torments both as to Body and Soul: The departed Saint is past the danger there∣of, both as to Body and Soul: For when the Soul is once safe in Heaven, the Body is for ever past all danger of Hell. Is this it that we sorrow for? No verily, we do give thanks to God, that the Body is in these Circumstances, though in the Grave.

But you say, you mourn because they are dead, and taken from us. Dead! But are not we sp••••king to Believers that live, con∣cerning depart•••• ••••liev••rs? And should not we beli••v•• what God saith concerning them? And think and speak of them in their Graves, as the Scripture sp••aketh. See what the Living God saith concerning their Bodies, and say if you sorrow for their sakes be∣cause the Bodies of your departed Relati∣ons are of that number that sleep in Jesus, 1 Thes. 4.14. And that rest in their Graves as in a Bed, made easie by Christ's Body lodging there before theirs: Isa. 57.2. Look upon the Circumstances of their Bodies with a believing Eye, through the Glass of Scrip∣ture, and change the manner of speaking, common to the bad, into Scripture Language peculiar to the good, they say, He or she is dead; do you say, He or she sleeps in Jesus, and do you indeed try if you can sorrow for that?

3. If upon Scripture grounds believed and improved we have no reason to sorrow for the sakes of our holy Relation that are dead; for what do we sorrow, and for whom? Is it because we have not the Comfort of their Com∣pany? Is it because we are deprived of that

good by their falling asleep in Jesus, which we enjoyed while they lived with u••, either in reference to our own good Temporal or Spiritual? And is not this sorrowing for our selves more than for them? For can we say we sorrow because they have not the En∣joyment of our Company, when they were such that we are groundedly sati••fied that they have the Enjoyment of God in the Company of innumerable Angels and Saved Souls above? And tho they loved our Com∣pany while they lived, do we, or can we think that they are not better pleased with that Society where now they are? Or that tho we sorrow for want of them, that they sor∣row for want of us? For want of us! If we want them, they want not us. And if we sorrow that they continued no longer with us, they rejoice at what we do sorrow. And shall we sorrow at that for which they do rejoice? Upon a due debate with our selves in a composed frame of Mind, when the hurry of passionate sorrow is over, we see we might change the form of speaking of mourning for such of our dead, and more rationally call it a mourning for our selves because of the loss we sustain while we live, by their falling asleep in Jesus.

Rule 8. Our sorrow for the dead, that died in final Impenitency after they had lived wick∣edly all their days, should not be such as doth deprive us of all our spiritual Delight and Joy in God, and make us unfit and uncapable for the performance of those great Duties we stand engaged unto to God and Man. It is in∣deed an Heart-piercing consideration to sit in our Mourning Chamber, and think, my Husband, Wife, Son or Daughter is Dead, and Buried, and Damned too: To think the Body is meat for Worms, and the Soul a prey to Devils: That the parts of one so near us, being separated, are so disposed of, as that one is lodged in a dark Grave, and the other cast into outer Darkness and Eter∣nal Torments, which wounds some so deep∣ly as brings them near unto distraction, and sit and aggravate their sorrow, saying, The death of my Relation I could bear, but the Thoughts of his Damnation do press me down; that I have lost him is a loss under which I could find some Comfort to support me; but that his Soul is irrecoverably lost, and that it is under the loss of God, and Christ, and all the Happiness of Heaven, and is fallen into the Company of Devils, and all the Miseries of Hell; the more I think of it, the more my Soul refuseth to be com∣forted;

the deeper is the Wound, and the greater is my sorrow.

But yet in this sorrowful case take heed of sinning in your sorrow; for by Sin you deserve to follow him both to Grave and Hell. Take heed of Sin, which doth expose your own Soul, to be cast into the lamented condition of your Dead and Damned Rela∣tion: I say the third time, take heed of sinning in your sorrow, for such sinful sor∣row must be sorrowed for, and when you have by sinful, excessive, turbulent sorrow, contracted guilt upon your own Soul, you must bitterly bewail such Sin; and sorrow for your own Sin, added to the sorrow for his damnation, will make you a Man, a Woman of such sorrow that will be indeed an heavy load, and a burden that will bow you down.

Because it is a Case too common for god∣ly Parents to have wicked Children, and so other Relations, to have such as live and die impenitent, upon whose account they are filled with distracting sorrow; I shall pro∣pound these following Questions to their se∣rious Thoughts, and by that time they have given a sober, considerate Answer to them upon due deliberation, may see cause of ta∣king

heed tha•• they do not go beyond the due Bounds of sorrow in this case; or if they have, to go and sorrow for their sorrow, and so restrain it, that their unquestion∣able duties might not (by reason of it) be neglected.