The life of the Lady VVarner of Parham in Suffolk, in religion call'd Sister Clare of Jesus written by a Catholic gentleman.

CHAP. XII.

Another tryal God gave her to compleat her Crown.

'TIS a strange and wonderful Paradox, that affliction should be a mark of Love; yet the Divine Wisdom, Truth it self has declar'd, That God Chastises those he Loves. If this therefore be true as certainly 'tis, his Love to Sister Clare was very extraordinary, who gave her so many marks of it, by sending her so many afflictions: But one comfort she exprest to have still left, was, that she should die before Brother Clare; but God would not per∣mit her long to enjoy this neither; and would also give her this tryal, even when she was in so very weak a condition, as made her less able to bear it, Viz. the suspition of Brother Clares Death, which happen'd from his unwonted silence to several Let∣ters she had Writ to him, and in some of them about the Children's concerns, which she knew he would not fail to Answer by the first op∣portunity;

and because she was disappointed in this, she imagin'd, that he was dead; and under that conviction suffer'd as much, as if he had been truly so; yet she silently underwent this hidden affliction for a long time with that cou∣rage, as not to discover any outward sign of grief at all; till at last her want of strength, forc't her at least to a change of Countenance, caus'd by this following accident. She giving some Letters which she had Writ to Brother Clare, to send by a Father that was going to Liege; the Sister that was to carry them to the Father, finding them open, desir'd her to Seal them, upon which proposal they discern'd a more then ordinary change in her Countenance; which proceeded, as afterwards she own'd, from the Confirmation this action of the Sister gave to the suspition she before had of his Death; she believing that to hide it, such care was taken that she should Seal her Letters. This certainly was one of the greatest tryals that could befal her, or that could call her constancy in the love of God to a more than ordinary Test. If you de∣sire to know the conflict she felt, and how she behaved her self in it, take it in her own words, as I find amongst her Papers, she gave account of it to her Ghostly Father. The Combat I had, and how I wholy offer'd up Brother Clare to Almighty God, which I beseech him, our Blessed Lady, and all my Patrons and Patronesses, to assit me to keep: I by Almighty Gods Grace resolv'd to make this Sacri∣fice to his greater Honor and Glory; and when I heard the Mass Bell Ring, my heart trembl'd, and I was all

in a Commotion; the first thing as I remember I did was to fancy him dead, and so I presented him at our Blessed Ladies Feet, and beseecht her to offer him up for me; I beg'd also the ayd of St. Bruno and St. Teresa, and then I resolv'd never to desire to see him, and if he should come, never to look on him, to put him clearly out of my heart, to be no more concern'd in him than a stran∣ger; then it came into my mind to behold him dead, and to say to Almighty God I was glad of it, and would have it so, since he was pleas'd to have it so, but this cut my heart into a thousand pieces: Then I re∣solv'd I would never give my self any pleasure, in talk∣ing of him or suffer my self to feel that contentment in heaving of him, or from him; then I resign'd my self, that he should persecute me, and that he should have no concern in me, then I presum'd to take our Savior for my Spouse, and resolv'd to go to him and complain in all my troubles, as I us'd to do to Brother Clare, to rejoyce to hear him prais'd or well spoken of, and so perfectly turn the stream of my affections intirely to our Savior; but then I thought how durst I take our Savior for my Spouse, I was not pure enough for that; this kept me back and dasht all my joy; but methought, howsoever, thô I did not feel that quietness I hop't, yet he would accept of me; and so I presum'd to do it. Then again methougbt I must never speak of that af∣fection we had for one another, which I resolv'd never to do; then God enabl'd me to make an act of resignation to his Death, for I am sure I could do nothing of my self; so that now I go imagining him dead, and I will strive to think there was never such a Person. After this I resolv'd to confirm all this by Vow, if my

director approv'd it, which he did; and said, if ou•• Savior would not take me for his Spouse, he would be pleas'd to take me for his hand-maid, and that was Ho∣nor enough.

All Glory, Praise and Honor, be to my good God.

In all this time I suffer'd what cannot be exprest, and these things came into my mind without stoping, as if some one had presented them to my thoughts to torment me. God be thankt for all.

The great kindness she here expresses for Brother Clare, gave her without doubt the chief cause of that trouble, which the apprehension of his Death oc∣casion'd; but that which extreamly augmented this affliction, was the confirmation that this appre∣hension gave her, of the truth of another suspition (which as I before mention'd had extreamly af∣flicted her) that she was left and abandon'd by Almighty God; perceiving her self deluded, in two points she thought God had revealed to her, Viz. her dying of that sickness, and that she should dye before Brother Clare: She now per∣ceiving Heaven had decided the Question, contrary to what she had before communicated to Reverend Mother Abbess. In these continual convulsions of doubts and fears, she remain'd for about two Months, in a very languishing condition of health; and during all that time, had an occa∣sion of making as many Sacrifices of Brother Clare, as she had thoughts of him. And it seem'd to be a more than an ordinary effect of Providence, that so many Letters should meet with so un∣fortunate mis-carriages at this time; for thô Bro∣ther

Clare receiv'd, and Answer'd every Letter she Writ; yet not one of his Answers came to her hands; Almighty God foreseeing what an addition would be made to her Crown by this interruption of Correspondence; by reason of the infinite acts of resignation she dayly made to Gods Holy Will, in bearing his suppos'd Death, with so singular and invincible a patience, even in that low and weak condition she was in, her forces seeming to be quite exhausted; yet neither by sighing, or any other exterior Mark of grief, did she ever give any sign of this interior sorrow she suffer'd; which without doubt was the greater, the more it was supprest. Perhaps we had never come to a perfect and intire knowledge of this great and sensible afflicti∣on she so couragiously underwent (thô her Paper mentions part of it) had not Mother Abbess, when one Day she came to Visit her, acci∣dentally askt her, whether any thing troubl'd her; bidding her tell her, if there did: When behold the love she had for prompt Obedience, overcame that, which before she had exprest for silent suffering; for without any more a do, and without the least passion, she told her, Dear Mother I believe Brother Clare is Dead, which I suppose out of too much kindness and Charity towards me, you endeavour to conceal from me, knowing how unable I am to bear so great an affliction; but if God please to have it so, his Holy VVill be done, he who gave him to me, and now gives me this cross by taking him from me, hows what is best for me; whose goodness, as I conside, will assist me to suffer, whatever his

VVisdom thinks best to ordain. Mother Abbess us'd the best Arguments she could to convince her, that her apprehension was without ground; but Sister Clare insisting upon his silence as an infallible argument of his Death; Mother Abbess could not so well Answer it, having receiv'd for a long time no Letters from him; but was forc't to leave her still in a doubt and apprehension, that what she suspected might be true. But the next Day there came a Packet of Letters from Liege, which Mother Abbess no sooner receiv'd, but she carry'd it with all speed to Sister Clare; telling her with a great deal of joy, that she had brought such a convincing Argument along with her, that Brother Clare was not dead, as she could not give her the last time she was with her; Viz. a Letter she had just receiv'd from him to her. She receiv'd this welcome news with a great deal of joy, declaring it was a double comfort to her to find he was in good health, and that the strong inspiration she had receiv'd of her dying before him, that she had also inform'd her of, prov'd no illusion, as she fear'd it had been: But added that the Letter came too late for her to be able to read it, or indeed, to hear it Read at present, finding her Head so weak, as that she could not attend to it; nor indeed was she afterwards so well as either to desire any one to Read it, or did any one think her in a condition to propose the Reading of it to her: And 'tis most probable, her desire to the very last, of seeking her greater Mortification in all things, as well as the memory

of the Vow, which with her Confessors permis∣sion she had made, of never giving her self any satis∣faction in hearing of him, or from him, made her take the pretence of her weakness, to deny her self the satisfaction, which hearing the Letter would have given her. Thô the truth is she was extreamly weak, her strength dayly diminishing, thô the Doctor did not apprehend her so near her Death as in reality she was; she never expressing to him, or to those that attended her, any thing at all of what she felt or suffer'd; and therefore all that he could frame a judgment from, were the guesses of others, as well of his own from her pulse; which having been weak and low for a long time, he thought she might still hold out a good while; thô he believ'd she would never recover from that sickness. The only concern she had now left, was for her Fathers Conversion, and what would become of the Children after her Death; which the thoughts of Brother Clares Death, had for some time hinder'd her from think∣ing upon.