This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. Searching, reading, printing, or downloading EEBO-TCP texts is reserved for the authorized users of these project partner institutions. Permission must be granted for subsequent distribution, in print or electronically, of this text, in whole or in part. Please contact project staff at eebotcp-info@umich.edu for further information or permissions.
HEnry the Fourth, commonly called Henry the Great, riding one day near Paris, espyed an ancient man with a coal black Beard, but the hair of his Head was as white as milk: This mighty Prince having a mind to divertise him∣self, caused this old fellow to be brought before him,
and then ask'd him, how it came to pass, that the hair of his Head seemed so much older then that of his Beard: The old man briskly replyed, It was no won∣der since the hair of his Beard was younger than that of his Head by twenty years at least.
THE Deputies of Rochel attending one day to speak with his Majesty, it hapned that there came at the same time a Doctor of Physick of the same place, who had renounced the Protestant Religion, to em∣brace the Roman Catholick; for which cause the sight of this man did so enrage them, that they could not forbear railing aloud although they were so near the Presence-Chamber: His Majesty hearing this irreve∣rent noise demanded what was the matter, and was informed, that the Deputies of Rochel were very much incensed against one of their Doctors, for changing his Religion from Protestancy to Popery: Is that all said his Majesty? (very pleasantly) bring them before me; being brought, how now said the King, What angry (speaking to the Deputies) because your Doctor hath gain'd by his exchange? Let me advise you, change too, and that in time, for it is a dangerous sign and portends your Religion not long liv'd, when her Physician hath left, and given her over.
A Gentleman having never been at Paris, got, by what means I know not into the Gallery in the Louvre, and was so taken with the curious Pictures
that he was nothing but wonder and amazement; in the mean time his Majesty hapned to pass by, who seeing a stranger. with a body gentilely clad, gapeing like a Bumpkin, as if he had hardly ever seen a Picture before, approach'd him, and asked the Gentleman whom he belong'd to, this fop Jauntie thinking him∣self affronted, answered, surely that he belong'd to himself; you had a fool and a clown to your Master then (said the King) that could furnish you with no better manners.
TWO Cardinals at Rome hearing of a very fa∣mous Painter who had most admirably painted St. Peter with some other of the Apostles; sent for him with orders to bring those effigies with him; at sight thereof these Cardinals were amazed at his stu∣pendious Art, found fault with nothing but that their faces were too red, and sanguine; your pardon, may it please your Eminences (said he in a submissive voice) I have not pictured them as when they were on Earth who mortified the flesh, that they might the better sow the seeds of the Gospel; but I have depainted them as they are now in Heaven, ashamed, and therefore blush to see the Lives of their Successors so loose and so licentious.
A Franciscan Frier being mounted one day on a very good Horse was rancountred by a serious Citizen, who told him, that being of the Order of
St. Francis he wondred to see him on Horse-back, and since that St. Francis was always known to go a foot: he wondred he durst make so slight of that Sacred Oath which obliged him, and his Brethren to follow that holy man. Well said (said the Franciscan) you do well to put me in mind of my duty, in following our Patron St. Francis, and that I might not be slack in the performance I am therefore now mounted, for he being gone so long before, I despaired of ever reach∣ing him a foot, and, setting Spurs to his Horse said, That unless he rode a gallop or full speed, he should be some ages before he could over-take him.
A merry Switzer going one day into the Fields with his Master, desired leave of his Master to ask him a question; the Master knowing him to be a Roguish witty fellow, gave him liberty: Why then Sr. said he, you see an Horse and Ass yonder feeding together, if you were forced to be a Beast, which of them two would you be? you fool, said the Master I would be a Horse, as being the nobler and more generous Creature; I'm of another opinion reply∣ed the Switz, for I would be an Ass; his Master un∣able to forbear laughing asked him the reason: the reason said he is, I have often seen an Ass ride the great Horse; stalk stately before his Company upon some an∣nual solemnity; be chosen a Justice, and as frequently his name and ignorance guilded with the splendid dig∣nity of Knighthood, but never knew an Horse capable of these preferments.
A Walloon Serjeant walking in the Court at the Hague, demanded of a Captain in that place, by what means he might speak with the Prince of Orange? the Captain told him, if he would have a little patience the Prince would not belong e're he would come that way; he had no sooner said these words but his Highness appeared, whereupon this Bore, the Walloon, being confident in his own Eloquence and Barbarous Gaulish Dialect, addrest himself in these words: Sr. Your Excellency must know, that our Ensign is dead, now I being the eldest Serjeant the Colours belong to me. The Prince seeing a man of that bulk, imagin'd he had a Soul as large, and there∣fore bid him speak on boldly: but he instead of enlarg∣ing himself sung only the same notes over again. The Prince being in a very good humour at that time, asked him, how long he had served the States? let me see (said this Walloon, and thereupon drew an old Book out of his pocket) I—let me see—I now I, have it, I came in the same year to serve the States, that your Excellency ran away before Groll.
THere was a Gentleman in France was very much conceited of his singing (although he had neither Voice nor Judgment) and would be always humming some Religious tunes, as Anthems, or bawl out aloud; a notable facetious Woman living very near him, and
by that means was perpetually troubled with his in∣sufferable noise, there being no remedy, she was con∣tented only with putting this trick upon him, and that was every time he sang she wept, and the lowder his Voice the greater abundance of her Tears; the Gen∣tleman observing this several times, demanded of the Woman, why she wept when he sung (thinking to him∣self that he had so raptured her with his harmonical voice, that thereby her Soul was wing'd for an im∣mediate flight to Heaven:) to this question the Wo∣man thus replyed; I may well weep (said she) since not long ago I lost the staff of my Life, and the support of my Children; in short Sir, My great loss was an Ass that did us a thousand kindnesses, now Sir your voice and his methinks are so extreamly alike, that I never hear you sing but it puts me in mind of my poor Ass, the loss of whom I shall never sufficiently condole.
A Young Italian Gentleman being led by curio∣sity into Holland, where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious, was one day set upon by a Protestan Minister who would needs in∣gage him in a controversie about Religion. The young Gentleman, knowing himself too weak for the encoun∣ter, begged his divertion and endeavoured to wave the discourse; but the more he avoided it, the more hotly was he prest by the Minister, whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion conjured him by all that is good to let him alone in peace with his Religion, for (said he) I cannot embrace yours, and if you make me lose my own, I will never make choice of any other.
A Countrey fellow wanting money came to Pom••. there offered his Ass to sale he q••••ck••y met wi••h a Chapman, who (having agreed about the price) demanded of the Countreyman, very se••iously, what bad, o•• good conditions the Ass had in him, I will assure you (said ••e) here is not a bett•••• Ass in Italy; say you so (said ••e other) nay then ••'ll promise you this if I find him as good as you say, I will be not only a friend to him but a Brother.
A poor pitiful Bore, in process of time became a rich Burgo-master, who one day walking in the streets was accosted by such another Tatterdemalion as himself was formerly, and one of his intimate ac∣quaintance; this upstart Burgo master walked stately on, taking no notice of him; this made my Jag-rag the more pressing, and pulling him by the Slee••e said Old friend what don't you know me? ••he other reply∣ed hastily, and with an austere co••nte••ance) How the Devil should I know or rememb••r 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 I have forgot my own being obliged by my g••and••ur to take no cognisance of the vileness of 〈…〉〈…〉 ……e quondam pover••y of my own.
A Gentleman of good quality in Paris, and a great amorist, was also very Phlegmatick, (tis strange two such contrary Elements should agree in one bo∣dy:) I say this Monsieur, by one day being in the Society of some Ladies, fixt his eyes upon one of an extraordinary beauty in such sort, that they were never withdrawn from her, but when he turned about to spit, by reason of the continual overflowing of his mouth: this Gentlewoman frequently obser∣ving the watering of his mouth, smilingly demanded of him the cause, who cunningly answered her, that his mouth watered being near so delicate and choice a bit, yet dare not taste thereof; If so Sir, (said she briskly) stand further off, and do not approach nearer, least you be turned into that watery Element.
A Countrey fellow designed one night to rob a Gentlemans Orchard, and being just got up into a Tree he saw two approaching towards him (which were the Serving-man and Chamber-maid of the House) the sight of these persons made him lye as covert as he could, whereas on the otherside these Amorists eagerly pursuing their sport, did not disco∣ver the Fellow in the Tree under which they had past so many amorous Careers; and being now wea••••e••, the Chamber-maid had time to vent these fears her resistless Appetite would not admit into her thoughts before, in this manner, Dear heart you have had your
will against my will, and what if I should now prove with Chil••? what will become of it and me; pray∣thee? (said he) Ta•••• no care for that, there is one above will make (no doubt) sufficient provision for you both: the Fellow in the Tree hearing this, and being glad of this opportunity to scare them away, that he might the better accomplish his Thieving design, spoke indifferently loud; saying, ••••e see you ••ang'd ere I'le maintain any Wh••re of you all, and 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 keep any Bastards to besure they shall be of my ••wn ••e getting.
JUst as the Sermon was ended •••• a Church at Am∣sterdam, it hapned that two R••man 〈◊〉〈◊〉 en∣tered therein; a Burgess seeing them to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 friend by the hand who knew them very well▪ look there said he, as the Children of Light are going ••ut of the Church, the Children of Darkness are en••ering in; one of these Catholicks hearing this, shortly and sharp∣ly replyed, you have deprived us of our Light and we are forced to see•• after it 〈◊〉〈◊〉 we 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 intimating the particular restraint said on Roman Ca∣tholicks by the 〈◊〉〈◊〉, more strict 〈◊〉〈◊〉 on any other Religion.
VVIthin one of the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 of the Ʋnited 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the••e 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 S••ribler, who 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉 〈◊◊◊〉〈◊◊◊〉
against the House of Austria, and presented it to the Governour of the same place, which was a person of the most Ancient Family of Nassaw.
The Governor having read it, dissembled his dis∣pleasure, but with a kind of a feigned smile, told him, that his Invective was as sharp as could be imagined. Sir, said the Author, I have one in the Press as sharp again; let me see it said the Governor: this Libellous Author thinking he should be highly rewarded brought him this second Copy; in which was writ, as in the former, a Thousand notorious and scandalous lyes, not sparing the bespattering of the then vertuous Infanta with lewd Reproach and Obloquy; nor omitting the King, Emperour, &c. The Governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great Indig∣nation, bid him come in the afternoon and his reward should be ready: taking his leave of his Excellency he returns home to his Friends, further fraught with joy and hopes then an East India Ship with Pepper comes at the time appointed. He went to wait for his Reward, and the Governor hearing of the com∣ing of this Libeller, ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs and there he should meet with a person should give him his due; coming to the top of the stairs, he was asked, whether he was the man that wrote the Libel, he answered very jollily, That he was the Person that had serv'd his Countrey with his Pen, though he could not with his Sword: and that he had (he thought) painted the King of Spain, and Emperor to the Life in their own proper Colours: pray Sir come in said the other, I have order to give you double recompence; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong Fellows, and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes
on the bare back with a Cat of nine tails, and were laid on by remembring him, that the first was for the Emperour. The second for the King of Spain. The third for the Infanta. And the fourth for Marquis Spinola. And so over with them again till the num∣ber was expired; at which time the Governour came in and told him, that this Punishment was the least of his desert, for abusing so Illustrious a House as that of Austria, and that though an Enemie, should not be abused with the scandalous Reproaches of every lying Pamphleteer; let all such like this, wear their reward on their backs, and not in their purses.
A certain Switzer, a Soldier and Roman Catholick, being in France, was solicited by some French Gentlemen to go with them into Holland to serve the States thereof. Having demanded of them if the Hollanders were Catholicks, and they affirming to him they were, he readily condescended to their Proposition. Being in the Army of the Prince of Orange in the Field; and seeing no Priests, Monks, Altars, nor Images, he went and told his Captain, that he was merely deluded, and that he would never serve the Hugonots against the Catholicks but against his Conscience; the Captain seeing him refractory, and would not march, he caned him sufficiently but the Swiss regarded it not, crying ou••, that he had rather dye then bare Armes against his Religion: •••• that very instant the Prince of Orange came •••••• and un∣derstanding the matter, caused the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 he brought before him, and commanding him 〈◊〉〈◊〉, he
furnished him with Tabor and Pipe, with several an∣tick baubles; saying, Go Soldier since thou wilt not bear Armes against the Catholicks, carry thess pretty knacks to them.
HEre was a pleasant Comical Dog-whipper of a Church, who on the Week-days carried Turfs in Amsterdam; this man had a great mind to see Antwerp, and taking his Wife along with him made a journey thither; having seen the famous Churches the Citadel, and other things remarkable, they went to the Tavern intending to drink a pot of Beer, ha∣ving possest themselves of a Room, the Maid-servant, having been courteously bred made a very low court∣sie, saying, What will you be pleased to drink Seigneor? at which, this Turf-Porter confounded with so great an honour whispered his Wife in the ear, How comes this Kate, a Seigneor at Antwerp, and a Dog-whipper in Amsterdam, certainly (speaking still low) I will not behave my self unworthy of this honour (then rai∣sing his voice) go fetch me a Pottle of Wine; at this his Wife cryed out, why John, what mean you John? we have not money enough to do it; what of all that (said he) it is but ingageing my honour, I will pay it next time I come to Antwerp; in the mean time I must acknowledge these people more justly civil and respect∣ful then my own Country-men.
ONe day some witty Drolls met with this Dog∣whipper, who ask'd him whether he would not be content to change his double Employment for the single one of being a Secretary of some Town in Holland; at which question he fell into such a loud fit of laughter that the Company could not forbear laughing to see such variety of Grimaces in his face, which when it grew a little calmer, Gentlemen (said he) My shoulders are broad and strong enough to bear a hundred maunds of Turf a day, but my Head although it be big enough, or, as some say, too big; yet is it too weak and feeble to carry a secret one quar∣ter of an hour: besides, I have heard, that Secreta∣ries ought to abstain from Wine; for my part, I should sell all the secrets of my Noddle for one Pottle. That man's most happy that is contented with his own, and covets not anothers Fortune.
A certain Minister of the Reformed Religion Preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam, took an occasion to loose his Text, that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magistrates of that City, several whereof were present at that time; in his Sermon he first proved▪ that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth, and that the Ministers were as Angels; after this he much inveighed against the ••piness and carelesness of the former, in 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Popish Idola∣try
to be so openly professed, with Judaism, &c. and his Zeal prompted him to say, that they should one day be answerable for their negligence, reproving them al∣so for many notorious Sins, &c. After Sermon some of the Magistrates sent for him, and having severely checkt him for his Insolence and seditious Eloquence, told him, that if he ever did the like, that though he made them Gods, they would make a Devil of him, and throw him out of the Paradise of his Li∣ving into the Hell of a Dungeon?
THere is a Village in Holland at the end whereof stands a Church built by the command of St. Vil∣lebrord. One day some of the foolish Peisantry of the Town were got together in a Tavern, where a∣mongst other of their ridiculous discourse, there was a grand consultation how they should make the Church stand in the middle of the Town, the one propound∣ed this way, and another that way, and both contra∣dicted by a third, as a thing impossible; at length one stands up with much Gravity, Brethren (said he) I think you are all mistaken, therefore my advice is this, seeing the Church cannot be removed (and yet you would have the fulfilling of your desires) build as ma∣ny Houses beyond it as there is on this side thereof, and then you will find the Church stand just in the middle of the Town.
THere was a Rodomontade in Paris who huft af∣ter so strange a rate, that he pretended he could out-do all the wonderful exploits performed by the chief ancient Masters of Knight-errantry; this vaunt∣ing made him terrible to such as knew him not. One day being in company he was strangely admired by all saving a Picard who shew'd him little or no respect, not so much out of design, as for want of breeding. This Rodomontade, observing the slighting of the Pi∣card, began to swell, being in a mighty Passion: and reproach'd the Picard for his Clownery, in not pay∣ing that due respect to his person which is the merit of his vertue: the Picard told him bluntly, that if others worshiped an Ass, he was not bound to do the like. How said the Rodomontade, darest thou speak to me without trembling? Thou shalt repent for this: to which the other replyed, he feared him not; nay then said this Rodomontade I see thou art weary of thy Life, meet me to morrow, at such a place, singly, and there I will do thee the kindness to dispatch thee out of thy pain. The Picard told him resolutely, He would meet him with his Sword, and accordingly, the next morning early, he went into the Field, and having waited there about two hours, at length comes the Ro∣domontade-scare-crow, who made such a noise as he came, that he frighted all the B••••ds from their Nests and Coverts as he past through the Forrest of Fon∣tain-blean. As soon as he saw the Picard, he made a thousand Grimaces and as man bravadoes, asking
him at a great distance, whether he was apprehensive of death, or whether he long'd to dye. Advance nearer said the Picard, and I will quickly inform you. Hereupon the Rodomontade stood still, and asked him whether he had a Wife and Children, yes, yes said the Picard, but what is that to our purpose? come draw. Ah (said the Rodomontade) I am sorry that thy Wife must be a Widdow, and thy Children Or∣phans; for I am invincible and have already slain with this right hand above ten Thousand Cavaliers: Hadst thou (said the Picard) sought the Devil, and kil'd his Grand-child in single Combat, yet would I fight thee, therefore defend thy self or thou art a dead man: at this our bouncing Cavalier drew back, crying out to the Picard to have a little patience; but the Picard's passion it seems had no ears, and be∣gan to lay about him stoutly, the Rodomontade see∣ing in what danger he was in, beg'd the Picard to hear him but one word; I see (said he) that thou art a gallant brave fellow, and what a pity is it then, that thou should'st fall by my arm; come, I am generous, and merciful, beg then thy Life and I'le give it thee; I scorn it said the Picard, therefore once more guard thy self, or I'le run thee through: Nay then replyed the Rodomontade, since thou wilt not demand thy life of me, I'le beg mine of thee: which last words so tickled the Picard with laughter, that he could not find in his heart to do him any further mischief.
TWO Gentlemen drinking at a Tavern at the Hague very smartly, the one accus'd the other for not doing him reason, the other told him he lyed and gave him a box on the Ear, hereupon commen∣ced a Challenge, although they were both so Drunk that they knew not how to name their Weapons they were to fight with. The next morning they met, but knew not upon what grounds they were to fight, and therefore instead of fighting fell to capitulating, both protesting they knew not the cause of the Quarrel: a person standing by, who was concern'd as a Second told them, He knew nothing but the Wine which bred the difference: If that be all said the Combatants, The Wine that made us fall out, shall make us fall in again.
AN English Lord and French Mons'r were deep∣ly engaged in a Controversie, which was the best Religion; many Arguments were produced pro and con, at length Mons'r appeal'd to a Great Man that was (as he thought) of his own perswasion; whether he had not produced invincible Arguments in confirmation of the verity of his Religion. Of mine said this Noble-man, you mistake Sir, I am as yet of none at all, nor never like to be of any, till our Teachers, Schoolmen, Learned Divines, and such who for several Ages have disputed, are agreed which of all Religions is the surest Guid to Heaven.
THE Vice-Roy of Naples in a great Siege, made a strict Order, wherein it was adjudged Death for any man above and under such an age to walk in any part of the City without a Sword; one day as himself and retinue were Rideing through the City to see how well this Order was observed, he saw a Gentleman without a Sword, who was presently brought before the Vice-Roy, and then was the Order read, and for contempt thereof was Sentenced to dye; and because he was a Gentleman, he was to be slain by the next Gentleman that past that way; it was not long ere one appear'd exactly qualified for the busi∣ness to outward appearance though it proved other∣wise, for this Gentleman had been Gameing, and had lost not only all his Money, but the very blade of his Sword, and had instead thereof fixt to the Hilt a Wooden Blade, not dareing to go home without ha∣ving the resemblance of a Sword by his side, this Gen∣tleman was stop'd by the way, and made acquainted with the Vice-Roy's severe Sentence, who hearing it, and knowing his own insufficiency, was extreamly startled, and withall, with much eagerness prest the Vice-Roy to excuse him, alledging, that should he be made an Executioner, it would be a perpetual stain to his Family; all his supplications availed nothing, so that he must do the Work: in order thereunto he stript himself of his loose Garments and after this devoutly kneel'd, praying that God would forgive him for what he was going about, &c. but particu∣larly prayed, That if the Gentleman ought not to dye
that his Sword miraculously might be turn'd into wood; having ended his prayer he arose and whipping out his Sword to run the Gentleman through, who stood ready prepared to receive the Thrust, his Sword ap∣peared a shaved Lath to all the Spectators; hereupon the dying Gentleman was released with much joy, the Woodden Sword was carried with much Solemnity, and hung up in the Cathedral Church, as a true link to the Chain of Popish Miracles.
A Protestant and Roman Catholick were argu∣ing at Paris about the Popes Infallibility; the Priest said, that the Pope may Erre as a Man, but not as a Pope; I would fain know (said the Gentleman) Why the Pope doth not Instruct or reform the Man, or wheresore the Man doth not require the Popes Instruction.
A Common Strumpet got a Warrant for a Man, from whom she hoped to squeeze some mony, and carried him before a Justice who demanded of the Man, whether he was guilty of what was alledg∣ed against him, the Man protesting Innocency, saving, further Mr. Justice, this Woman hath the repute of a common Whore; if so, suppose I had to do with her, how can she say that I am the proper Father of the Bastard since she deals with so many continually; thou saist well (said the Justice, and speaking to the woman said, thou mayst as well going through a Thorn
Hedge, tell certainly which Thorn pricked thee, and so gave the man his discharge.
THE Governor of Maestricht had a great love for a young Captain of his which had never been tryed during the late Siege by English and French: on a time he was Commanded with a party to make a Mock Sally, but as soon as ever he came within sight of the Enemy he squatted behind the Walls of some old Ruines; coming in to the Garrison, he was not only publickly laughed at, but was accused for a Coward to the Governor, who being more willing to bring this Captain off with credit then he brought off himself, told them thus; If this Captain went upon a Mock Sally, then the worst you can say, he is but a Mock Coward; and if he had not so plaid the fool in jest, I would have punished him in earnest.
ALphonso Cartillo was informed by his Steward of the greatness of his Expence, and that it was inconsistent with his Estate, but particularly, the num∣ber of his Servants was too great; whereupon the Bishop made him draw up a note of such as were ne∣cessary, and such as were not, that being done, he sum∣moned all his Servants together, and reading the note seperated them; then said, These I have need of, and therefore they must continue; These have need of me and therefore they must remain also.
A Thief being Arraigned at Barr, before a Liev∣tenant Criminel for stealing a Horse, in his Pleading urged many things in his own behalf, but particularly, he insisted on this, That the Horse stole him, and not he the Horse: How can that be said the Judge? Thus, said the Malefactor, Passing along the Countrey about my Lawful occasions, I was pursued close by a fierce Mastive, and had no other means to escape his fury but by leaping over a Hedge, which I easily effected by my agility of Body, it hapned, that a Horse stood on the other side of the Hedge, and it so chanced, that I leaped astride his back, who be∣ing startled hereat ran clear away with me, and could not stop him by any means until he came to the next Town▪ in which the right Owner of the Horse lived, and there I was taken, and here Arraigned.
AFter that horrid Massacre in France on St. Bar∣tholomew's day, the Deputies of the Reformed Religion Treated with the King for a Peace; both sides were agreed upon the Articles, the question was upon the Security of the performance after some par∣ticulars propounded and rejected, the Queen Mother said, Why is not the Word of a King sufficient security? One of the Deputies answered, no, by St. Bartho∣lomew.
A Dutch Captain was commanded by his Colonel to go on in an Exploit against the French with Forces that were unlikely to Atchieve the Enterprize, whereupon the Captain advised his Collonel to send but half so many men: why so said the Collonel to send but half so many men? because replyed the Captain they were enough to be knockt on the head, and it is better that few dye then many.
A Poor Countrey-fellow praying devoutly super∣stitious before an old Image of St. Loy, the Image being rotten suddenly fell down upon the poor man, and so grieviously bruised him that he could not stir out in a Moneth after; in the mean time the cheat∣ing Priests had set up a new Image in the room there∣of, the Countrey-man recovering came to the same Church and kneel'd again to the Image but at a great distance, saying after this manner: Although thou smilest and lookest fair upon me, yet thy Father played me such a knavish prank lately, that I will be∣ware that I come not as near thee as I did him, least thou shouldst have any of thy Fathers unhappy quali∣ties.
A Nobleman in Paris hearing of a Blind man that could play most incomparably on the Flagellet sent for him, and he played unto him till night, having done, the Nobleman commanded his Servant to light the Flagellet player down the stairs, hereupon the Servant replyed, My Lord, the man is blind: thou ignorant Coxcomb quoth▪ my Lord, he hath the more need of Light.
AN Italian Doctor askt a Waterman, whether he might safely go by water over the River Po? the Fellow told him yes; but the Doctor coming to the Water-side, and finding it rough was very Ongry, and said, You Watermen are the veriest Knaves in the World, for to gain six pence, you care not to cast a man away: To whom the ••ater-man replyed, It appears Sir, we are men of a cheaper Function, and better Conscience then you, for you sometimes will not cast a man away under Forty, fifty or an hundred Crowns.
A Gentlewoman of Paris (who was a grain or two too light, went to her Confessor, and amongst other Sins Confessed chiefly, that the was too much addicted to the society of Men: Ah, said the Frier Whoredom is a Sin very displeasing to God, I am sor∣for that (quoth she) since it was so pleasing to me.
AN Italian Captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place, where for four Moneths he did eat nothing but Horse-flesh, at length being re∣lieved, he returned to his former Mistriss thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly; she understand∣ing how he had fared since his departure, hold, said she, though I have a mind to be gotten with Child, yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt.
A Gentleman in Naples being affronted by an English man, was resolved to be revenged; and therefore commanded his Man to procure him a cou∣ple of Villains fit for his purpose; in a little time he brought his Master two whose Faces were slasht and cut; the Gentleman seeing them, said, I will have none of you, but bring me them who gave you those Wounds, and I will reward you.
ONE told Pope Alexander the Sixth, that it was necessary to Banish all the Physitians out of Rome, for they were unnecessary and dangerous; no said the Pope they are very useful; for without them the World would encrease so fast, that one could not live by another.
A Young man in Rome was very like Augustus Caesar, Caesar sent for him, and ask'd him whe∣ther ever his Mother had been at Rome? No says he but my Father was.
ANtigonus invading Parthia was told, that the Enemies had such volleys of Arrows to en∣counter him that they would darken the Sun; that's well says he, for then we shall fight in the shade this hot weather.
UPon the departure of a Gentleman of good Note at Lyons in France, a Jesuite stood by prompt∣ing the Gentleman to give to that Convent he belong'd to such a piece of Ground, and such a Manor, which the Gentleman consented to; the Son standing by, and fearing all would be given from him; said to the Jesuit I hope you will not have the Conscience to keep all this from me; yes, yes said the Jesuit, the will of the dead must be obeyed; say you so, Then Father shall I break the neckof this Jesuit down stairs? Do if thou wilt Son: Nay then says the Son the will of the dead must be obeyed the Jesuit hearing this, and seeing him in good earnest made but one step from the top of the Stairs to the bottom, to avoid the danger ensuing.
SOcrates was ask'd, why he suffered so much braw∣ling by his Wife? says he, Why do you suffer so much Kackling of your Hens? because they lay me Eggs, says he; And I my Wife, replyed Socrates, because she bears me Children.
SOme prophane Fellows and Wenches were re∣solved to abuse some Fryers; for, laying an Hog (which they had made dead Drunk before with the Lees of Wine) under the Table covered with a black cloath, they sent for the Fryers, telling them that the Womans Husband of the House was dead, and that they must sing a Dirg for his Soul; during the Ser∣vice the Woman kept such a tittering and laughing that they were forced to avoid the Room, the young men seeing that stole out after them that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also; one of the Friers taking notice hereof, lifted up the Cloth and seeing it was a Hog took him, and to be revenged of the abuse carried him away; the Woman of the House seeing them march off, called after them to re∣turn; no, no, said they, We find he is a Brother of ours and must be buried in our Convent.
ONE seeing him walking in the beginning of the Spring, said, one Swallow makes not a Sum∣mer:
but I know quoth he one Summer makes a great many Swallows:
A Gentleman of the Temple was informed, that his Father was dead in the Country which made him sad and much troubled, as not knowing how he had left his Estate: his friends seeing him in this condition, bid him chear up, for (said he) if your Fa∣ther hath left you a good Estate, you have small cause to grieve; and if he hath given you nothing, who would grieve for such a Father?
ONE who had got a damnable Shrew to his Wife being continually plagued with the perpetual Clack of her Tongue, wished one day, that she was in Heaven, she knowing by that saying, he had a mind to be rid of her: in a great rage told him she had rather see him hang'd first.
A Little after the Rebuilding of London, a Coun∣try man came up to see a friend who made a grie∣vous complaint of his own particular loss, as well as the loss of so brave a City: As to your own loss said he, I am sorry for it, but as to the loss of your City I know not what to say; for who would be grieved to have a brave new Suit instead of an old one.
TWO discoursing immediately after the Fire, about the enlarging of the Streets at the Re∣building of the City, he that had a great deal of ground said, That it was not requisite that the Streets should be enlarged, fearing he should be a looser there∣by; Pish said the other, to what purpose was the City burnt, but that the streets might be made larger.
ONE speaking of the Fire said, Cannon-street roar'd, Milk-street was burnt-too, Wood-street was burnt to Ashes, Breadstreet was burnt to a Cole, Pye-corner was over-bak'd, and Snow-hill was melted down.
Mr. Herring, walking by the side of a Rock, slipt and fell into the Sea; whereupon he call'd to his Friend to lend him ahand, O no Sir, said he, that is the way to do you the greatest injury imaginable, by taking you out of the Sea which is a Herrings proper Element.
A Constable carrying a big-belly'd Wench before a Justice told him, an't please your Worship I have brought you a maid with Child; the Wench here∣upon call'd him Fool and Knave, being reproved by
the Justice, she answered thus; Sir, This Constable must be one of them; for if I am a Maid, he is a Fool to think I can be with Child; and if I am not with Child, he is a Knave for saying so.
A Young woman in the heat of Blood, about the latter end of July desired her Husband to tum∣ble with her on the Bed, he knowing her meaning and unprepared for such pastime excused himself saying, That the Dog-days were very unwholsome for such re∣creations; at Night being in Bed with her Husband she desired him to lye closer, for though (said she) there be Dog-days yet I never heard of any Dog∣nights.
ONE came to Paris to be Confessed, who told his Confessor he had stoln a Halter; to steal a Halter said he is no great matter; I but said the Fellow, there was a Horse tyed at the end on't; O said the Confessor, there is something in that: there is great difference between a Horse and a Halter, you must therefore first restore the Owner his Horse, and having so done, come to me and Ile Absolve you of the Halter.
A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volun∣teers for France in the late Expedition against the Dutch imagin'd himself valliant enough and there∣upon
Listed himself: returning again, he was ask'd by his friends, what exploits he had done there; He said, that he had cut off one of the Enemies Leggs, and being told, that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his Head: O said he, you must know his Head was cut off before.
A Priest in an Abby at Florence being a Fisherman's Son, ordered a Net to be spread on the Table instead of a Table cloth in token of Humility, and in remembrance from whence he came; the Abbot dy∣ing, for his pretended Humility sake he was elected Abbot, after which he caused the Net to be used no more: and being askt the reason, he told them, I need not the Net now, having caught what I fisht for.
AN old covetous Miser at Burdeaux, grudged his Servants their Victuals, and allowed them but a fifth part of VVine to four parts of Water; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily, what said he, will your Grinders never be at rest? How can they said the Servant, as long as they have so much Wine and VVater.
A Popish Bishop rising up in Arms against his Prince, was defeated and taken as he was clad in Armour, and by the King's command secured. The
Pope hearing of it, complained of the King's breach of Church Priviledges, imprisoning one of the Sons of the Church; hereupon the King sent back the Mes∣senger with the Armour of the Bishop, desiring the Pope to send him word, whether those were the Garments of any of his Sons.
JƲlius the Third, when he was made Pope, gave his Hat unto a young Favorite of his, to the ge∣neral dissatisfaction of the Conclave: whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him, said, What did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal? Julius replyed, What did you see in me, to make me a Pope?
A Country-man coming to Paris with his Ass load∣ed, the Beast stuck in a dirty place, and to make him rise from thence the Peasant belaboured him with a stick lustily, a Courtier passing by said, How now Villain, art thou not ashamed to abuse thy Beast so? if thou strikest him again, I will strike thee as much; hereupon the poor Fellow desisted till the Cavilleer was past, and then fell a beating his Beast worse then before, saying, How now goodman Ass, who would have thought that thou hadst Friends at Court?
A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions, the Cart overturn'd and the Onions fell into a Ditch full of water, at sight where∣of the Peasant cryed out, Mort bleau, here wants no∣thing but a little Salt to make le bon Potage.
A Dutch-man in Amsterdam having heated him∣self with Wine grew angry, and swearing Gods Sacrament, he would feign know, why the English called his Countrymen Butter-boxes, the reason is said a stranger by, because they find you are so apt to spread every where, and for your saueiness must be melted down.
A Stout Commander having formerly in the Kings Service lost his Leg, was notwithstanding for his great Prudence and Courage made a Captain of a Second Rate Ship, and being in the midst of an En∣gagement a Cannon bullet took off his Wodden Sup∣porter, so that he was constrained to fall, the Sea∣men thinking he had lost his Legs, cryed, down with him to the Chyrurgeon, I want him not, I want him not (quoth he) but send me up the Carpenter.
BEing a Captain of Horse, he was disswaded not to attaque the Enemy they being thrice the number; Are they so said he (not a jot dismay'd) then I am very glad, for there are enough to kill'd, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away.
A Smock-fac'd young man that was hardly twenty came to the Chamberlain to be made Free, who scrupled to do it to one so young, asking what Age he was? I am Sir said he four and twenty; that's strange, said the Chamberlain, I have seen a face of Eighteen look much older; 'tis like so Sir, (said the young man) He that could make him look so old, is able you see to make a me look so young.
A poor but witty Lad being admitted into a Col∣ledge, could not presently go to the price of a new pair of Shoos when the old ones are worn out •••• the toes, and therefore had them capt with Leather, hereupon his Companions jeered him for so doing; why said he, must they not be capt, are they not Fel∣lows?
A Monsieur meeting the King of Frances's 〈◊〉〈◊〉 asked what news? why Sir replyed he, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 are Forty odd thousand men risen to day, I 〈◊◊〉〈◊◊〉
what end, said the other, and what do they intend? Why (said he) to go to bed again at night.
ONE hearing a French Gentleman brag what vari∣ety of excellent Sallats there are in France, and how the People naturally delight therein, it cannot be denyed (saith he) That as you have plenty of good Sallats, so they are most of your food; Now we in England have dainty Beeves, Veal, Mutton, and as God made Beasts to live on Grass, so he made Man to live on Beasts.
AN Englishman and his Wife Lodging at a French∣mans House both so perfect Children of their own Countrys, that neither understood each other, it so fell out, that the Englishman's Wife cry'd out in the Night; whereupon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the Midwife, why lao above of his Wives condition, that being done, he went down to inform his Land∣lord and Land-lady thereof; standing by the Bed∣side shivering in his shirt, for it was in a cold Win∣ter night, his Landlady pitying him and said to her Husband, Prythee my Dear, let the English-man come into bed to us and lye till day-light since it is so cold, and that he cannot in civility return to his own Cham∣ber, you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me; her request was granted, and he lay down on the other side of the woman; The Frenchman ha∣ving tyred himself by Labour the day before, fell fast asleep; the Englishman's Snake presently grew
warm and crawled up the Womans belly; the mo∣tion of the Bed awaked her Husband, he called out Wife, what are you doing? what are you doing? Why what would you have me do (said she) if I should speak to him it would be to little purpose, for you know he understands not a word of your Language.
AT the Battail of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him, and the Sea behind him, said to his Soldiers, Gentlemen, if you intend to live, thus must you do, either eat those Spaniards, or drink up this Sea.
WHen Metellus Nepos asked in a jeering way, that famous Roman Orator, who was his Fa∣ther? he replyed, Thy Mother hath made that Que∣stion harder for thee to answer.
MArcus Livius, who was Governor of Taren∣tam when Hanibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus said one day openly in the Senate, that it was himself not Fabius Maximus that was the cause of the retaking of the City of Tarentam; Fabius smiling, said wi••tily indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst not thou lost it, I had never retaken it.
POpe Benedict when the Ambassadour of the Council of Constance came to him laying his hand on his breast, said, Hic est Arca Noae, here is Noah's Arke: one hearing him say so, said softly to his friend, In Noah's Arke there were few men, but many Beasts.
A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a Priest concerning Religion, asked, why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of Wood? and what was there more in that than any other Trees else, that they did not kiss them? Why (said the Priest) Is not your Wife made all of the same Flesh and Blood, and what is the Reason that you do not kiss her back-side as well as her Mouth.
POpe Alexander being accustomed highly to com∣mend the Institution of the single life of Priests, and to blame their using of Concubines, was wont to say, God hath forbidden us to get Children, and the Devil hath given us Nephews.
A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France found nothing ready but a piece
of Mutton, and a Partridge; one would have the Par∣tridge, & the other would have it; and thereupon quar∣relling the Hostess perswaded them to eat it together, no, that they would not; but at last consen••ed it should be kept for breakfast, and he that Dreamed in the Night the best Dream should have it. Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good Dream, the Gascoign observing where the Partridge was put, got up, and did eat it: In the Morning betime they arose, and the Spaniard said he dreamed the best Dream in the World; for said he, me thought I saw the Heavens open, and a ••uire of Angels with Mu∣sick carried me to Heaven. Then said the Gascoign I Dreamed I saw you so carried to Heaven, and thinking you would never return, I arose in the Night and did eat the Partridge.
A Cordelier and a Jacobin having taken up one Inn together; the next morning the Jacobin paid his Reckoning, but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here, as elsewhere, for a God a mercy, or a Retribuet Deus, was forced by the Master of the House who was a Protestant to pay for what he had had, by pawning some Books he had, for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing. The next day travelling to∣gether, they came to a small River; whereupon the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals and holding up his Gown began to wade: the Jacobin being well apparreld, and loath to spoil his fine Cloathes, call'd to the Cordelier to carry him over; what will you give me then quoth he? said the other, I will redeem
your Books and pay your Charge at the next Inn; So the Cordelier took him up on his back, and when be was in the deepest place of the Water, the Corde∣lier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise? yes that I have said he, and there∣upon chinkt his money in his pocket: the Cordelier hearing this, and finding a fit opportunity to be re∣venged, let him drop in the Water, saying, Brother, you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders, for you know I am bound never to carry any money about me.
A Peasant having been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent, and was re∣proved for it; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens, Chickens Cocks, and Cocks Capons: a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some Eggs to set under a Hen, and he sent them all boiled very hard, The Curat being ignorant hereof, set them under his Hand, but finding in almost a Moneths time no production, he broke one of them and found it hard, and so brake another, a third, a fourth, a fifth, till he had broken them all, and found them all at the first boiled. This so netled the Curate, that he in∣stantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse; the Peasant excused himself, saying, He knew not what he meant; Why you fool (quoth the Curate) did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs? Why, so you told my Father (said he) the last Lent; sor when I confessed to you that I had eaten Eggs, you chid me saying, Eggs made Chick∣ens, Chickens Cocks▪ Cocks Capons: now if boyled Eggs which I did eat, woulde••er have been Chickens,
Cocks, and Capons: How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your Hen, would come to be so too?
A Country fellow seeing the Arch-Bishop of Co∣logn riding in the Fields with a great retinue compleatly Armed, laught out aloud, being ask'd his reason for so doing, he answered, Because he wonder∣ed that St. Peter, Christs Vicar on Earth, being ex∣ceeding poor, had left his Successor so wealthy; and that his Train should be more furnished with Sword∣men then Gown-men. The Arch-Bishop hearing this, and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledge of him in his place and dignity, told him, that he was not only an Arch-bishop, but a Duke also, and that as a Duke he rode with such an Armed train of men, but when he was in the Church he was attended on as an Arch-bishop; Sir (said this poor Fellow) I pray tell me when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil, what will become of the Arch-bishop.
THE Emperour Sigismond foarding a River, his Horse stood still in the midst and staled; where∣upon a Page took the boldness to say, That the Horse was like the Emperour, who heard what was said, but said nothing for that time; a little 〈◊〉〈◊〉 after the Emperour reminding those words, ask'd the Page his reason for comparing him to a Horse? be∣cause Royal (Sr. (quoth the Page) the River had ••••
need of Water, and yet your Horse must add to it by pissing in it, and so do you to those that have enough you give more; but to such as have nothing, you add not any thing; and although I have been with you a long time yet have I not tasted of your bounty: The next morning the Emperour took two Iron Chests, the bigger of the two he filled with Lead, and the other with Silver, and bid his Page take which he would of them in recompence of his Service; the Page took the biggest which the Emperour caused him to open, and there he found nothing but Lead, the other he opned himself, and show'd him it was Silver. Now (said the Emperour) thou knowest thy Fortune, the fault was none of mine that thy choice was no bet∣ter and that thou wert not made rich, for thou hast re∣fused thy good fortune when it was offered thee.
THE Duke of Millain being besieged in a Ca∣stle by the Florentines, one day at dinner, he quarrell'd with his Victuals and child his Cook severe∣ly for the ill ordering of his meat and sauce: where∣upon the witty Cook reply'd, My Lord, your meat is well enough dressed, but the florentines have put your mouth out of taste.
BEfore the Battle Fought at Serrizales the Mar∣quess of Guast assuring himself of the Victory, gave his Jester a Suit of Armour fairly guilt, and a Spanish Jennet, with a promise of five hundred
Duckets, if he would be the first should carry news to his Wife of his Victory; but it so hapned, that the French did beat the Emperour's Army, and the Jester was taken and brought before the Lord Anguien who perceived who he was, asked who had furnish'd him in that splendid manner? My Lord (replyed he) The Marquess who gave me my Horse and Armes; and should have given me Five hundred Duckets to go and tell my Lady his Wife the first tidings of his Victory, but to save the money, I believe he is posted thither in person.
TWO young Scholars Travelling from Roan to Paris there to study, met by the way with a Countrey-fellow riding on an Ass, which bray'd in such manner as if he had been overjoy'd to be in such Learned Society: these Students thinking to put a trick on the Paisant, said Friend, why do you let your Brother cry in that manner, cannot you find out any way to still and quiet him? The Paisant who was none of the most ignorant of the Parish wherein he dwelt; answered, My Ass Sirs is so extreamly pleased to meet with his Relations and old Acquaintance, he could do no less then sing a Song of Mirth and merry glee, in testimony of your hearty welcome to him.
A Gentlewoman of singular beauty, but highly conceited thereof, went to an Eminent Pain∣ter at Paris ordering him to draw her Picture like a Maid to the Life in little, and yet represent her in full proportion. The Painter did as much as in him lay, and carried home the Picture to the Gentlewoman who misliked nothing therein, but that he had drawn her too little. The Painter excusing himself; said, Madam I believe considering your Age, it is very hard to find a Maid so big as you.
A Gentleman of Paris that was much troubled with Rheum was Complementing a Lady in the Loure, who by reason of that distemper was forced to spit at every Sentence; the Lady perceiving it (who was furnished with whatever Art or Nature could bestow upon her) said in reality, Sir, your mouth overflows, you would do well to take some course to drain that Fenny Body of yours, least in time it lye totally drown▪d in that Phlegmatick hu∣mour. Pardon me Madam (wittily Repartied this Gentleman) If I say you are the cause of this distem∣per, if it be any; for how is it possible for a man to look on such a dainty curious piece of Flesh as yours is, and his mouth not water.
CHarles the Fifth going privately to visit the Convent of the Jacobins in Vienna, met by the way with a Fellow who got his living by Hogs; and then had a sucking Pig in his Arms going to market, which in the way grunted so much that the Emperour could not endure it, wherefore said▪ do you hear friend, have you not got the art of stilling a Pig when he Cryes; the Fellow (not knowing him to be the Emperour seeing him not only meanly clad, but slen∣derly attended) said, Sir it is a secret I understand not, however I shall be much obliged if you will inform me how to do it: Why then said the Emperour, if you will have your Pig leave off grunting, take and hold him by the tail; which the Fellow trying, found effectual: hereupon he said, In troth Sir, be whom you will, I see you have not your trade to learn now: for though I have been a Pig-merchant this thirty years you'r more knowing in it then I.
LEwis the Twelfth King of France taking a view one day of his Army in the Plain of Chartrese saw three Soldiers together terribly slasht over the Face, and carrying their Armes in a Scarf, where∣upon he said, Gentlemen how came you thus to be so roughly handled? by our Enemies (said one of the three) it seems then (said the King) they were too hard for you, and so consequently, the better men; your pardon ••r. (said one) we judge it no such matter, for as they hurt •••• so we kil••'d them.
A Cyprian Dame who had spent a considerable time in the Service of Venus, growing old, bethought her self how she should spend the residue of her days: and resolved upon the ancient and Venerable Profession for a Bawd, and that she might not be altogether desti∣tute of these pleasures, she procur'd others: she painted egregiously. A Gentleman one time coming to her house, and taking notice how ill she had laid on the Fucus or paint, Drollingly said, Most incomparable Madam, I cannot look in your face, but the lustre there∣of makes my Eyes dazle, do they so (said she) I am sorry your Eyes are so weak, the Bastard Eagle can∣not look against the Sun, I wish your Eyes better, that they may be able to Contemplate my greater splen∣dour.
A Young married Gentlewoman of the Town of Alerson in Normandy, had a Parrot whom amongst other things, used to say walk Cuckold, walk; One day a Doctor of Physick of her acquaintance coming that way, she perceiving him by often repea∣ting those words, the Parrot spoke nothing else as he past along; the Doctor seeing the Gentlewoman by the Cage made a stop, and said, Madam you have done very well to teach your Parrot to call men by their proper names, as Walk Cuckold, walk, but you would have done much better if you had taught him, how to distinguish persons, which I perceive he is ignorant of, for he takes me to be your Husband.
THE Count D' Avergne going with a Natural Son to the King of France to the Church in Pa∣ris call'd Quinze Vingts, a place designed for the re∣lief of the poor blind: in the Church-yard there stood begging an old Man, who had totally lost his sight; yet was given too much to Curse and Sweare the Count advised this Natural Son to extend his Cha∣rity to this poor Fellow, which he denyed, saying, I hate to give to Counterfeits; nay, said the Count, this man sure is not one: I but said the other he is one, and can see as well as I do, and to prove what I say, I will go to him, and without saying a word, you shall see he knows me; with that stepping towards him, he came so near him that he chanced to tread upon his Toe; the blind man hereupon cry'd out, A Pox on you for a stinking Son of a Whore, go and be damn'd. Look you there (said this Natural Son to the Count) you may perceive by what he says, he knows me as well as you do.
EManuel Duke of Savoy; an ingenious and gene∣rous Prince, having been deprived of all his Estate by Henry the Fourth, was necessitated to go to ••yons, where the King then was, to make his Ad∣dress to his Majesty; on sight whereof he fell on his knees, humbly beseeching his Mjestie to restore him to his former condition; the King seeing him in that
posture, said Brother I am troubled to see you in this posture, and much more for your misfortune, but you must attribute this to your own fault, and the force of Arms, however rise and assure your self I will do to the utmost of my power what shall conduce to your future satisfaction and content. The Duke of Savoy seeing his Majesty in such good humour, con∣tinued still on his knees, which caused his Majesty once more to say, rise; whereupon the Duke replyed, I am reduced to so low and weak a condition, that I cannot rise of my self, and nothing can raise me but you, Royal Sir. Whereupon the King raisd him at once both on his Legs and to his former Estate.
A young man Married a pretty bucksome young Woman in Charenton near Paris, and being in Bed the first Night he let a rouzing fart: his new Bed∣ded Consort very much displeased thereat, askt him why he would offer so soon to play the Beast? Alas sweet heart (said he) don't you know when a Fortress, is Besieged, in making a breach the Canons will roar; in troth Husband (said she) you need not have put your self to that trouble, for the breach was made long since wide enough for a whole Army to enter two a breast.
A young Cavileer riding from Paris to Orleans overtook by the way a sprightly young Lass tra∣velling on foot, taking pity of her, told her, that if she pleased he would take her up behind him; she con∣sented, but the Horse would not agree to the Bargain but kick'd and flount'd strangly: Well Sir (said she) I see you are more civil than your Beast, who need not have taken it in such dudgeon to carry me, if he knew how Light I am: Excuse him sweet heart (said he) for I believe he thinks you fitter to carry behind than he: If so (said she) he deserves not the name of a Horse but an Ass, for any one that knows any thing may easily see I am fitter to carry before than behind.
A Jolly Fellow at Orleans, living at Marsellis, being in Bed let a great Fart, and repeated it twice or thrice; hearing his Wife nothing but laugh, said to her in troth you need not be so merry, for if this Wind continue, you are like to have foul filthy wea∣ther; falling a sleep, she raised her Bum and so be∣pist him, that it ran from the nape of the Neck down his Back to his Heels: he awakeing, askt her what the Devil she meant by that? Nothing indeed Hus∣band (said she) what I did was only to prevent that loathsome Storm you threatned me with, for I have heard a little Rain will allay a great Wind.
A Taylor going to Confession was askt by his Father Confessor whether he had any thing in his hands which he had wrong'd another of? No indeed said the Taylor (knowing he should be enjoyn'd to make restitution) I have nothing now, for I have dis∣posed of my several Thefts yesterday to a Broker, willing to discharge my Shop, as well as my Consci∣ence: his Confessor hearing that, said and indeed I have taken Physick to day which hath discharged me of all my Pardons, so that I have not one left for such dissembling penitents.
SIgneur de Morrilliers going to a Town called Swasie, met by the way a Fool about twenty year old, to whom he said, Come hither friend, goe along with me, and thou shalt be my Fool, doing no∣thing but Eat and Drink and spend the time as thou wilt thy self. Ah said the Fool I cannot do that, I am my Fathers Fool, for he made me, if you will have a Fool make one your self. But said the Lord I am more wise than to make a Fool; well then said the Fool, I'le go and make one for you; then said my Lord according to what you said before, he will not be my Fool but thine; not so neither (said the Fool) for he shall be all yours, for the one half which your Wife helpt to make shall be yours, and the other half which belongs to me will I make a present of to you.
ONE day a Gentleman seeing Hogs in his Vine∣yard, called to his Servant and bid him go and see whose they were: being in a great Passion, he swore whose soever they were, he was certain they be∣longd to a Cuckold, and a Cuckold maker, a Rogue, a Rascal, and a Son of a Whore: This man returning and hearing his Master say so, cry'd, Hold Sir, hold, the Hogs are your own; the Devil they are said he, well if they be, what I have said, I cannot unsay.
A Simple young man in Gascoign had a very great love to a young Maid as he thought, and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling, here∣after he thought of this Expedient; one day he told her, that it was his full intent to marry her, and to pre∣vent future quarrels, he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart that their Alliance may be stron∣ger; amongst many other things he told her, that in the heat of Blood he had got a Son, on a friend of his, which Son was yet living, and desired her not to take it amiss: No no (said she) I am very well pleased, and now Sir let me tell you, that a friend of mine got me with Child, and if you intend to fortifie our Alliance it may be done with anothre Marriage, that is between your Son and my Daughter.
A Butchers Wife in Paris having been suspected by her Husband to have Cuckold him; to free him in part of that jealousie, seemed very devout, and frequently went to Confession. One day she went to her Confessor, who amongst many questions, ask'd her, Whether sometimes she had not a mind to the Flesh? Indeed (said she) I love Flesh so well, that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit though it be in Lent; but I hope you eat it not (said he,) not for a world (said she): I but (said he) This is not the Flesh I mean; answer me, whether you ever had Copulation with any besides your Husband? no indeed Father (said she) I never had a Collation with any but my Husband. Then (said he) in plainer terms, had you never a desire to lie with another man? I must confess (said she) I had a great mind to an Apothecaries Man our next Neighbour, but never did any thing; for in∣deed the Fool neither would not, nor would not under∣stand my meaning, though it was as plain as a Pike staff. Ah Sister (said the Confessor) you know the good Will is as good as the Deed, however for this time I will Absolve you; that being done, she dropt him a low Curtsey, and said, Father I am willing to send you a quarter of Mutton ready roasted for Supper, if you will take it in good part. He thanked her, and said he would. The Service of the great Mass being finish'd he met with a couple of his Friends whom he invited to Supper; who came accordingly, but the Mutton came not, wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Burchers Wife, who told him, she had sent it already,
he delivering this Message was sent back to assure her there was ••o such matter: The Woman remembring the Words of the Confessor said, Friend, go tell you your ••aster I had a good will to send it, but my Hus∣band would not let me, now your Master told me, he must take the Will for the Deed, and so he is like, and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton as if he had received it.
A Gascoign newly coming to Paris, as he walkt the Streets he saw the Kings Favorite richly Attired, and Magnificently Attended, which made him enquire of one standing by; who that should be? he is one (replyed the other) of great esteem at Court, and hath his Majesties Ear, how (said the Gascoign) nay then it is no wonder that his Majesty is deaf to so many just complaints of late if his Ear be in anothers Possessi∣on.
IT is said, that Women are a Paradise for Mens Bo∣dies, a Hell for their Souls, and a Purgatory for their Purses. It hapned that a young Gentleman of Roan was very much in love with a fair and facetious Gentlewoman of the same place; but had not the con∣fidence to acquaint her with his desires, at length finding an opportunity, better then he could wish, he presumed at length to tell her how passionately he had Lov'd her for a long time, but had not the boldness to say so much before, thinking to have employed
a friend in that affair. Sir (said she) I must pity your ignorance in that you do not know, that every mans self is the best Messenger in Amorous Affairs; accor∣ding to the Italian Proverb, Iministri non operano mai bene comea cui tocca: and knowing you to be a Traveller you might have acquainted your self with that true Spanish Adage: Dileauna Muger una vez quiela quieres, el Diabolo selo dira ciento; that is, Tell a Woman but once that you love her, and the De∣vil tell it her an hundred times after.
AT Calais there lived a young Woman as famous for her Wit and Beauty, as infamous for her debauchery: her Husband was a very silly fellow, and though he knew of the dishonesty of his Wife with several persons, yet he but mildly reproved her, fea∣ring to do otherwise; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals; Alas sweet heart (said she) what will that signifie, since you know my Lock is such, that every Key will fit it.
A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Rouen, askt him, what was his name: my name said he is like my Fathers. And what is his Name? Why his (quoth he) is like mine. Then what is both your names then (said the Gen∣tleman) to which the Jester replyed, One like another.
A Gentleman of Provence had a Wife so plen∣tifully stored with the worst of ill qualities, that he grew weary of his Life, not knowing what to do or how to be rid of her safely, at length this project came into his head: he had a Mule which he fed four days with dry meat without one drop of Water, all that while, the fifth day he perswaded his Wife to ride abroad with him to take the Air, and mounted her on that very Mule, which he knew she delighted in, and he himself backt another: rideing along they came at last near a deep River, at sight whereof, the Mule being parcht with thirst, and over greedy to quench it ran violently into the midst thereof which was out of his depth, and so lost his own with the life of his Mistress.
BErtrand de Guelclin General to Charles the Fifth, who had no farther occasion to make use of him at home, desired his Majesty to give him leave to march into Granada to fight against the Sarazens. Now for the Thieveries and violences this Bertrand had committed, both he and his whole Army were Excommunicated by Pope Ʋrban the Fifth. Ber∣trand takes his way into Spain by Avignon where the said Pope had then his Residence, who hearing of a great Army marching towards him, sent a Cardinal to know what they intended▪ or demanded: Bertrand made Answer, Tell our Holy Father, that we are come
to receive Pardon and Absolution for the sins we have Committed, and the punishments we have deserved, and to be freed from the Excommunication: Like∣wise we demand two thousand Florins in Gold for our present subsistance, and to carry us on in the Work of propagating the Christian Faith. The Cardinal re∣turning this Answer, said the Pope It is strange and wonderful to me that these men should demand Abso∣lution and Money too since we are accustomed to re∣ceive Money before we give Absolution.
THat a Physician was naturally brother to the Wormes, because he was engendred out of Mans Corruptions.
He adviseth all men to be kind and cour∣teous to Hemp: being askt the reason, quoth he, it is the most revengeful thing in the World: for if a man bear it, especially in Bridewel, it is a hundred to one but it will be the death of him shortly after.
Standing by some Swearing at Play, he said, He that swears when he looseth his Money by Gameing may challenge Hell by way of Purchase,
He said a Prodigal was like a Brush, which spent it self to make others go handsome in their Apparrel.
Seing a man in the Pillory, he said, That certainly there must be a great deal of pleasant Oratory in it,
or else men would not have their Ears nailed to it.
He said, That Antiquaries love every thing as Dutch-men do Cheese, for being mouldy and Worm∣eaten.
He contradicted one for saying, That the Players in Paris had but an idle employment, sure Sir said he you are mistaken, for their whole lives are nothing but Action.
Being asked by one, how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good, he answered, You must keep a Tobacco-shop and sell it, for certainly there are none else find good in it.
He said, That Poetry and Plain dealing were a cou∣ple of handsome Wenches, and he that wedds him∣self to either, shall dye a Beggar.
He compared Women to Quick sands which seem∣ed firm, but if a Man came upon them he fell in over Head and Shoulders.
Of all Trades he said, A Tooth-drawer was the most unconscionable, because his Trade was to take away that, whereby every man gets his living. And that a Hang-man's Profession was the most contem∣plative of all others, because he never was at work, but he was put in mind of his own end.
Seeing some Reapers in Harvest time, he told them, That Corn was a quarrelsome Creature, because it rose by the Blade, and fell by the Ears with those that cut them.
That Colliers and Mine-workers should be well ac∣quainted with all the Philosophical Secrets of the Earth because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others.
That Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem, Because they are men not only of an high Calling, but also of a great reckoning.
Of all Knaves (he said) there was the greatest hope of a Cobler, For though he be ever so idle a Fellow yet he is always mending.
One time seeing a tall Man, he said, That for cer∣tain he must needs be a great Polititian, because he had an extraordinary reach.
He said, a squint eyed Man could not but be very Circumspect, Since he looked so many ways at once.
That Glasiers might be chosen, and concluded good deciders of Controversie or Arbitrators, For they spend most of their time in composing of quarrels.
That Carpenters were the Civillest and honestest of all men, For they never do their business without a Rule.
That Physicians of all men had the best on't, For if they did well the World did proclaim it, if ill, the Earth did cover it.
That Vintners are very rash fellows because they draw upon all occasions: and so expert at their Wea∣pons that they let very few go away scot-free.
That Fidlers are very unfortunate in their occupa∣tion, For they never do any thing but it is against the hair.
That Trumpeters are ever subject to Distempers, For commonly when they are most in health, they will fall a sounding.
That Ostlers and Horse-coursers are happy men, For let the World go how it will, and let there be ne∣ver so much alteration in times and persons, yet they are still to be accounted Stable-men.
A person Drunk one day railing at him, he told the Company He mattered not any thing what he said in his Cups, For he spake nothing that he could stand to.
He said, some Taylors were like Wood-cocks, because they lived by their long Bills.
That a Prison is a good Instrument of Reforma∣tion, for it makes many Rogues and Lewd Fellows, Stayd men. Discoursing of a Common-wealth he said, That in that of Fishes there are many Officers, Her∣ring is the King, The Sword-fish his Guard, Lob∣sters Aldermen, Crabs Cunstables, Dog-fish Serjeants; and their Yeomen, and Poor John, or Stock-fish the common sort of people.
That Coblers might be said to be good men be∣cause they set men upright, and are ever employ'd in mending Souls.
He said, that a Tavern and Houses of Entertain∣ment were the only places for men to thrive in, For he said, He had seen many a score made there.
That Carriers are wise men, for they will not med∣dle with any thing, but they will know of what mo∣ment and weight it is.
That Painters were cunning Fellows, For they had a Colour for what ever they did.
He said, that Court-gallants had reason to be good Scholars, By reason they were deep in many Books:
One was saying to him, that some Letters in the Hebrew Alphabet were longer then any other what ever: That▪s not so said he, for in ours we have one, an L long.
That Glovers get a great part of their living, by cutting Purses, and are never punish'd for it.
Seeing on a time a man with a great Nose and thin Beard, he said that the shadow of that mans long Nose hindered the growth of his Beard.
Hearing of a Wench (that was bred on the Alms of the Parish) who had left one of her Bastards to be kept by them also, I commended her, said he, for her gratitude; having done like the grateful Stork in Holland, For it is reported of them, that they never depart but leave one of their young behind them, in recompence of the kindness they received from their Land-lord.
He was wont to say, That the Portuguise seems a Fool and is so, the Spaniard seems wise and is a Fool, the French seems a fool and is wise; the Englishman is wise but cannot show it, and the Dutchman would be wiser, were it not for his Liquor.
Well said he, may sick persons be called Patients, since they suffer so much by their Physitians.
He said, that Soldiers in Peace, were like▪ Chim∣neys in Summer.
ONE said, That he could never have his health in Cambridge, and that if he had lived there till this time, he thought in his Conscience, that he had dyed seven years ago.
A Gentleman and his Man walking in the Fields, the Man observed a Fellow riding on a Cow: look Master says he, yonder's a fellow rides on Horse∣back on a Cow: That▪s a Bull says the Master; No Sir says the Man I know it is a Cow by his Teats.
One walking with his Friend, and both very poor▪ met with an old acquaintance grown rich, Look said one, do▪nt you see who goes yonder, that wont see us now; yes said the other, He sees us well enough, though hew ill not look upon us.
A Gentleman going by Water with his Friend fell into some Discourse, which the busie Waterman un∣derstanding, put in for a share in their discourse: one of the Gentlemen being angry herea••, told him, he was a saucy, busie fellow, in that he must have an Oar in every ••ans Boat, and bade him hold his Tongue; but he continuing his babling, I protest said the Gen∣tleman, as they were in the middle of the Thames▪ If thou dost not hold thy Tongue the sooner, I will knock thy head and the Wall together.
A grave Citizen of London though not so wise as he should be, talking with some of his Neighbours concerning his Shop, he had then newly Rebuilt af∣ter the Fire; Truly (said he) I think I have contrived it to the best advantage, for it hath the Morning Sun all day long in it.
'Twas at first when the fashion of gray Freeze came up amongst the Gentry, especially for Riding Suits, that a Wise-acre considering that it was then A-la-mode, asked if there were no black of that co∣lour, for he had a mind to have a Coat of it.
One exclaiming against another who ran away in his Debt, A Pox light on him (said he) I am sure I lent him six and forty good Shillings all in half Crowns.
When Guinneys were first coyned they were a great rarity in the Countrey; one coming from London more gallant then wise, seeing the people so eager to see them, alas (said he) throwing down two or three of them, these are so common in London that you cannot receive forty Shillings but you must take seven or eight of them whether you will or no.
One being chid by his friends for wearing his Nailes so long; I can assure you said he, I pare them every foot.
After the sad and dismal Fire in London when no∣thing was left standing, but Ruines, one passing by as they were pulling down a Wall, have a care, have a care (crys he to the Labourers) for I see the Foun∣dation just tumbling on your heads.
One fitting at Supper his Cat past to and fro through his Armes, brushing her Tail against his mouth, this so offended him, that in a rage he cutts off the tip of her Tail, saying, I think now Mrs. P••ss I have gi∣ven you an Ear-mark: For the present the Cat ab∣sented her self, but the next day came again accor∣ding to her wonted manner; whereupon in a fury, says he, Why how now you trouble some Bitch are you come again, I thought I had given you your Break∣fast last Night.
A Carpenter being at work in a Bowling-green, was askt, what he was doing? I am making a Bench for the standers by to sit upon.
A Scholar meeting a poor ignorant Fellow on the Road, How far Friend (says he) to Cambridge? Faith Sir I know not (says he) but from Cambridge to this Town is counted seven miles.
A Physitian visiting a sick Woman, and finding her lye on her back advised her to lye on her side, 'Tis very right Mr. Doctor (said her Husband) I al∣ways told her, her back was the worst side for her to lye upon, and she would never believe me.
Prythee said one, why dost thou wear one of thy Stockens the wrong side outwards? O (said he) It hath a hole on the other side.
A company of Fellows in the height of their mirth threw Tobacco Pipes one at another, Tom with a piece of pipe hit John in the Face, but Tom denyed that he did, well it was ill done, of you Tom, though said John, who ever did it.
Two quarrelling in a Tavern were prevented from
fighting by the Company, Well (said the one) though I am hinared from having my Revenge now, know that I will kick thee down stairs where ever I meet thee.
One in February drinking March Bear which was very mellow, complained of the newneis of it, saying, Sure this March-Beer cannot be above six weeks old.
A Tobacconist who had fum'd away that little un∣derstanding he had, hearing some praise and other dispraise his Tobacco said, Well Gentlemen you may say what you please; but a sweeter and cleaner To∣bacco you never saw, for I am sure there is neither leaves nor stalks therein.
A precise Presbyterian, hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-green said Fie Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great Mercy the Bowling-green doth not fall on your heads.
A Customer asking a Barber where he might have some water to wash his hands, yonder (said he) the••e is some in that empty Tub.
One said, that the Wind changed very often that day For (said he) I went up Corn-hill in the morn∣ing and it was in my back, and in less then half an hour returning I found it in my Face, going up thither again in the Afternoon, I found it in my back again.
One seeing his Son play Roguish tricks, Why Sirrah (said he) did you ever see me do so when I was a Boy as you are?
A very noted Bull-maker lying on his Death-bed desired of his Friends when buried, that they would for an Epitaph only write these words on his Tomb∣stone, Here lies honest Ralph, as dead as any man living.
There was an arch Rogue who lately served in the quality of a Foot-man; a foolish Gentleman (whom I shall forbear to name) who riding abroad one day caused his Man to follow on foot; which Skip at that time took in great dudgeon; and therefore lag'd be∣hind: his wise Master observing it, call'd him all to nought, that he came not up with him, the Foot-man seeing there was no avoiding it, stoop'd, and tak∣ing
up a hard clod of Earth, threw it and hit his Ma∣ster on the back; his Master turning about▪ askt what was the matter? O Sir said the Foot-man (hold∣ing his Leg with both his hands) I doubt your Horse hath lam'd me quite; Saist thou so (said he) well, be contented for this time, and assure thy self I will put him away; for he kickt me but just now on the Back, and it was God's mercy he did not dash out my Brains.
One Amner the great Bull-maker of Windsor, tumbling one day over a Form, A Pox on't (says he) I have burnt my shins.
A Barber, in the Countrey, seeing his Neighbour cut down a Pear-tree askt him for some of it▪ why, what would you do with it said the other, I would (replyed he) make some Box Combs thereof.
A Gentleman both Foolish and Covetous ••earing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against the Holy-days; What (said be) do you mean to un∣doe me by such extravagant expences; I will have but half a one kill'd at a time.
One bid his Shoo-maker make one of his Boots
bigger then the other, and when he brought them home A Pox on you for a Rogue (said he) I bid you make one bigger, and you have made one less.
A Mechanick in the late Times of Libertisme when every sordid Tradesman took a freedome to Prate what he would instead of Preaching; I say this Fellow usurping the Pulpit, would needs be in his Comparisons, (says he) The wicked keep company and flock together as Beasts, Birds, and Fishes: The Whoremasters keep one another Company, as Goats, on the Mountains: The Whorish, Babylonish Priests keep company as Rooks, Daws and Crows seperate themselves; so do Drunkards meet together in num∣bers accompanying each other even as the white Her∣rings swim together by themselves, and the Red Her∣rings by themselves.
One ordering the Cloath to be taken away hav∣ing dined, and having Poultrey, said hastily Pray be sure to save the Chickens for the Crums.
A Fishmonger looking on a Well-boat building to keep his Fish alive therein, observing but few holes eryed out d'ye hear you Carpenter, the holes are not full of Boats enough.
One of the Vergers of the King's Chappel (a no∣ted Bull-maker) coming in one Sunday morning, ob∣served his Brother had placed several of his Friends in divers Pews before any of the Nobility, &c. were come; being angred at this, he came running to the other Verger saying, Prethee what hast thou done, you have almost half filled the Chappel before any one is come.
The same man at another time meeting his God-Son, askt him, whither he was going? To School said the Boy. Thats well done (said he) there is a Tester, be a good Boy and follow thy Book and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Ser∣mon.
One who took great delight in Cock-fighting, kept Game-Chickens who had made themselves bold by fighting, seeing them in that condition, he complain∣ed to his Friend saying, I don't knew what I shall do with my Chickens, for what with fighting, and what with creeping under the Pens, these Teady things have scrubed all their hair of their Heads.
The same man came running to me one day and complained grieviously of the unkindness of the Church-Wardens; Why, what's the matter (said I?) the matter quoth he; Why, they have divided my Pew, and thine which is next it into one.
A Country Attorney lying in Grays Inn Lane over against the Gate, left one day (as it is usual) a note in his door, to signifie where he was gone, but the Contents of this Note were very unusual; for thus he writ, I am gone to the Grays-Inn-Walks Ta∣vern, if you cannot read what here is written carry it over the way to a Stationers and he will do it for you.
A Gentleman more Wealthy then wise▪ Travell'd into Italy with his Tutor to gather understanding; being in Company a flattering French-man in the Company of some Italians praised the Hilt of the English-man's Sword extreamly, whereupon the Gen∣tleman being of a free Spirit, told him, it was at his Service, his Tutor seeing this was vext to some pur∣pose, wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his Pupil for indiscretion, telling him, he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not parting with his Sword; particulaaly thus, that tru∣ly
it should be at his Service, but that it was a gift of a dear friend, and withal, that he had a Dagger of the same: Well said the young Gentleman, I will be∣ware for the time to come; the French-man coming one Morning into his Chamber very much prais'd a pair of Slippers that he then wore; Truly (said the young Gentleman) They should be at your Service but that I have a Dagger of the same.
A Reverend Justice in the County of Norfolk being willing to befriend an old Servant of his that had stoln a Mare; said (as he sate upon the Bench) Gentlemen of the Jury, this poor Fellow was once my Servant, and as honest a Fellow as ever trod on shoo of Leather, however he came now to steal a Mare, which is Fellony as I take it, and therefore ought to be Hang'd; but pray consider that he is very penitent I can assure you, and will never do so again; where∣fore to save his Life, pray go out and find it Man∣slaughter▪
It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West Countrey, in the time of the Civil Wars, that calling his Brethren together to consult the safe-guard of the Town, from the injury of the approaching Enemy, said, Brethren let us separate our selves, and let us with great inconsideration indeavour to fortifie the Town; in short, it is my opinion, that there is nothing more to be done, but to make the Walls Navigable.
A Gentleman who had liv'd long enough to be wi∣ser, had a Maid-servant who was married out of his House, several years after she came to visit her old Master, who at the sight of her was much over-joy'd, and made much of her, amongst many other questions he askt her, how many Children she had? To which she replyed; Sir, I have none and never had any. Sayst so, that's very strange, that such a buck-some young Woman as you are should have no Child; but now I think on't, what a fool was I to ask that que∣stion, for now I well remember thy Mother had no Child neither.
A Sea Captain newly come a shore was invited to a Hunting Mach, after the sport was over, coming home he related to his friend what pastime he had abroad, in this manner; our Horses being compleat∣ly Rig'd, we man'd them, and the Wind being at West South-west (Twenty of us being in company) away we stood over the Downs, in the time of half a Watch we spy'd a Hare under a full gale, we tackt and stood after her, coming up close she tackt, and we tackt, upon which tack I had like to have run a ground, but getting clear off, I stood after her again, but as the Devil would have it just to labour to lay her Aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse over-set and came Keel upward.
A Foolish Gentleman riding upon the Road with his Man, was perswaded to ride faster or else they should come late into their Inn; for said his Servant it is eight a Clock by my Watch, prythee said his Master put thy Watch an hour backwards, and then we may ride leisurely having time enough. The same Gentleman bid his man the next morning early, look out at the Window and see whether it was day, the Man looking out, told his Master, it was yet as dark as pitch, You fool (said he) if it be so dark, how canst thou see day unless thou take a Candle.
One askt another, whether he had read such a Book from end to end: that's a Bull said the other, for a Book hath a beginning and an end: but I▪ ever heard before, that it hath two ends, It may be so said he, and you may as well say, that you never heard of a Man that could begin a Psalm backwards.
A Gentlewoman seeing her Servant go undecently about the House with her sleeves stript up to her Arm-pits call'd hastily to her, saying, I wonder Wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy Armes above thy Elbows.
One askt another, what News from the Sessions-House? Why, said he, there were four Condemned, and three were Whizd in the Fist; one whereof I am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold Iron.
One was telling what a Stratagem a Bayliff used to take a person Indebted who lay concealed and would not stir abroad, said he, to cause the people of that house wherein the Person was, to open the door to see what was the matter, he ran to and fro in sight of the House stark Naked in his Shirt.
One commending his own Writing said, That he knew very few that writ better than himself; you talk like a Fool said the other, you Write, you Sh—I know a fellow that will Write with his Toes a bet∣ter hand than you.
One askt another at Sea if he were forced to it which he had rather loose his Leggs, or his Armes; In troth said the other, I had rather loose my Legs; for should I loose my hands where ever I went I could not help my self, but sit with my hands in my pockets.
Two Travelling over Shat-over-Hill to Oxford said the one, this Shat-over-Hill is a fine place for a Wind-Mill, I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither.
A Countrey-man seeing a great many stones piled up in St. Pauls Church-yard, said to his Friend, I wish I had a good quantity of these stones at home: what would you do with them said the other? Why, said he with those Stones I would build a Brick-Wall round my House.
A Traveller swore, that in the Deserts of Arabia he had seen a Ʋnicorn with two Hornes.
One complaining to another of the unkindness of his supposed Friend, said, I no sooner turn'd my Back but he abus'd me to my very Face.
One at Dinner demanded of another what part of the Bullock a Clod of Beef••y as, the other laught at his ignorance, and told him it was the shoulder bone of the Flank▪
One seeing an Orchard whose Trees were very full of Pears, askt one what the Owner intended to do with them all, O says he, he sells them to Bakers to make two penny Apple Pies.
A Fellow that was Rob'd complained saying, The Thieves had stolen all his Brass and Pewter excepting one Iron Pot.
Two passing the Streets in a serious discourse were interrupted by a Dumb Beggar, Sirrah (said one) don't you see we are busie, therefore leave off your im∣portunity, or I'le set you packing, and thereupon lifted up his foot to kick him. O fie said his Friend, will you kick a Dumb man? Is he Dumb said the other? why did he not tell me so.
Many dining together at one Ordinary made a Match to play at Bowles, but one would play but two shillings Rubbers; before I will play for so little (said the other) I will sit down and walk Horses.
One indeavouring to prove which of all Creatures was longest lived Swore that an Eel lived longest af∣ter it was dead.
One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court, the Fer∣ry-man's Wife at that time officiated, whereat he wondred, saying, I never till now saw a Woman Fer∣ry-man.
One being Sentenced to dye fell on his knees and begg'd of the Judge to spare him his Life for his poor Wifes sake and his Fatherless Children.
One relating to his Friend how hard he drank the Day before said, Faith Tom I bore my Drink bet∣ter than any of them for a long time, but at length, finding I could neitber go nor stand, I sneakt away and ran home as hard as I could drive.
One was telling another, how healthful it was to live in a good Air, and how unwholsome in a bad, In troth I believe you said he, for I my self lived in a
Fenny, unhealthy Air, where if I had lived till this time, I am sure; I should have been dead seven years ago.
A Person boasting how good his Credit was, said That he knew a Scrivener who would at any time lend him Forty pounds on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scrowl.
One comming into an Inn askt the Host, how long he had lived there, not three days yet, Sir, said he, the other pausing a while askt how many Barrells he drew a week.
A person of quality in a Church, coming near the place where his Ancestors were buried after he had prais'd them for worthy men, Well, said he, If I live I will be buried by them.
Two playing at Tick-tack for money, he that lost desired they might play a while for nothing; now he that before had lost so many Games, now won more, whereupon he said to the other, when we play for mo∣ney you always beat me, but if you will play for no∣thing, I will play with you for an hundred pounds.
Two walking together in a Cloyster, and boasting of their running, one said to the other, do you run this way, and I'le run that way, and Ile hold you Ten pounds I meet you, before you meet me.
A Purblind Fellow in a thick foggy morning, passing through Cheapside ran against a Post, and tak∣ing it for a Man said, I cry you mercy; and presently running against another, said, I cry you mercy again Sir, truly I think you and I shall meet in Heaven.
A Captain seeing a very proper man, askt who he was, his name is Jockson said one, I have heard of one Jackson who fought a Duel with Talbot and was slain, said he, this is not that Jackson is it?
One passing by a Polterers shop and seeing a goodly Swan lying upon a Stall said, I wish that Swan were mine, why said the other, what would you do with it if it were, why said he, I would make me a Goose-•••••• on't against Christmas.
One seeing a parcel of merry Companions, said, I marry Sir, now I see you are merry in sober sadness.
One going into an Ale-house call'd for a pot of all Ale with a little Beer in't.
A Hireling Player being deny'd the augmentation of his Wages, grew angry, and said, If you wont you shall see me in Ireland within these two days.
A foolish fellow making lamentable faces was askt what was the matter, O said he I have such a pain in my Thigh, that I cannot lift my Hand to my Head.
A blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentle∣man, his Man came and told him, that the old blind Minister was come to see him.
Two Fellows bragging what brave Houses their Masters kept in Christmas, says one, my Master kills
every day an Oxe, Pish said the other, my Master kills an Oxe and a half.
One brought a Butcher before a Justice for killing a Cow that dyed of her selfe, and selling of her Flesh in the Market.
One told another with indignation, that he had re∣ceived an affront from a very Goose, O said the other I know what Goose you mean, I'me sure it is a Goose with two Legs.
An ignorant she Cockney seeing a Goose with many young Goslings, said, She wondred how she suckled them all.
One who had been in the East Indies swore he had seen an entire Chrystal Rock of pure Gold.
One falling from his Horse and pitching on his Head ran amongst a company of people standing by, and swore his Neck was broken.
One complaining to his Friend, how many crosses he groaned under, said, My vexations are so great I wish my felf out of this Life, or out of the World, I care not whether.
One threatning another absent, meaning to say, that where ere he met him he would kill him, though he found him pissing against a Wall, swore hastily, that where ere he met him, he would run him through a Wall pissing.
One rebuk'd his Friend, for calling one Son of a Whore, for said he, You know his Mother hath the general repute of a very honest Woman. It is true re∣plyed the other, I know his Mother to be an honest
Woman, and yet he is the Son of a Whore for all that.
One having his Head broken at the Bear-garden in several places, coming home, desiring his Wife to have a great care of him, for said he, I have ten bro∣ken Heads at least.
One praysing much the Lord Mayor of that pre∣sent year; Another standing by, said, he had seen a Thousand better.
Another much alike. One complaining of the bad∣ness of Trade in Smithfield, said, He had seen an hun∣dred and an hundred Bartholomew-Fairs, but never came a worse then that.
One said, He would never endure the Moon again, for said he, the Quean served me a slippery trick ifaith the other Night; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch, and then slipping behind a Cloud she let me fall in.
One being in the Water, desired his friend to come in also, to which he replyed, he could swim no more
then a Dog, being entreated the second time, said, I protest I can swim no more then a Post, and being prest the Third time, said he, Why then I vow and protest I can swim no more then a Goose.
One said, it was Ten miles from London to Barnet, the other said it must be more, for it was so far to his knowledge forty years ago, and sure Miles, as all other things have their encrease.
One complaining of the Folly of the Age, swore Men were far wiser in future times then now.
One being desired to sit down to Dinner, said, I thank you kindly, but I can eat nothing, for I have had a long time no more stomach then a Horse.
A Country Fellow was askt, what Sir Copplestone Banfields Christian Name was? he answered, he had almost forgot, but certain he was, that it was either Richard, or Thomas.
One excusing himself to his Friend, for lying a Bed
•••• long, said, He came home very late last Night: why how late was it, said the other? in troth said he, it was five a Clock in the Morning.
One looking in a Latin Book, was askt by a Friend that over-lookt him, whether he could read it or no? to whom he replyed, yes indifferently, but it is the most broken English that ere I saw.
A Fellow hearing one cry Sandwich Carrets, went to the Cart, and looking on them, said, These are not Sandwich Carrets, indeed said the Carter but they are; whereupon said the other, they may be Sandwitch Carrets, but I will lay my Life, they were sown, and reapt in London.
One seeing a large fat Bull, said, I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow-heels when she is kill'd.
A Gentleman hearing his Friend speak very im∣pertinently, said, Was ever Calf so brought to bed of a Bull before?
One jeering a young Saylor, said, He was a fresh water Seaman.
King James lying sick, one prayed, that he might Raign as long as the Sun and the Moon should en∣dure, and the Prince his Son after him.
One having lost his Gloves, said, I am so forgetful that in my Conscience I should loose my Britch, did I carry it about me.
One being newly married, being discovered by another to walk discontentedly, said, Friend, since thou hast chang'd thy condition, thou walkest up and down like an Image.
One having a Cane in his hand, in merriment offer'd to strike at his Friend therewith, Prythee said the other, leave of fooling, it is ill jesting with Edge Tools.
One said, He had rid his Horse till he had never ••••ry thred about him.
One askt another, how he liked that Glass of white Wine which they then were drinking: ma••ry said he I never drank Wine that pleased me so well, and is so good in every respect, yet to speak the Truth; I have drank better in France.
One being advised to go to Sea, because he was in Debt No says he, I will not venture my Life for my Liberty; let me tell you this in shor•••••••• know the Sea is dangerous, wherefore I say, I had rather Tra∣vel all the World over by Land, then Her∣••ing-brook, St. Georges Channel.
One having an extream Cough, said, If one Cough be so troublesome, what should a man do, if he had Twenty.
A young Wench going to Market, was askt by a Neighbour, how all did at home? Why says she my
Father, Mother, and rest of our Folks have been ••••∣ry•• sick••, but all the Houshold is well in general.
One being perswaded to tell a Tale to make she rest merry, says he, I can tell you a notable tale b•••• to say the Truth at present I cannot remember one word of it.
A very old Countrey Churl, said, That the Days. in Queen Elizabeths time far exceeded ours for length▪ for now four and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter.
One going to a House of Office, fie upon't says he, there is an odorifferous House indeed; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave these foul sents be∣hind them.
One askt another which was the best Pot-hearb▪ Why says he, in my opinion a good sat Leg of Mut∣ton is the best Pot-hearb in the Pot.
One speaking of the Weather, and the season▪ of
the Year, We are like says he, to have a backward Spring, for St. Matthews day lights on a Holy-day.
One seeing a Swan fluttering in the water, said, what an Ass is yonder Goose rather to live dabbling in the Water then on dry Land.
One riding on a Pack-saddle to Redding on a tyred ••ade, says he, I never rid harder in my life, consider∣ing the slowness of my pace.
A Justice examining a poor Thieving Scholar said, Sirrah, you are an Arch Rogue but take heed; for if you be once hang'd your Book cannot save you from the Gallows.
A Cobler complaining to a Brother that he could not drink his Ale in quiet for a scolding Wife, Well says he, it is no matter, for though she should cut my Throat and thy Throat, yet we will still drink our Ale together.
A Traveller complained to his Host, that he was
much gaul'd in riding; How came that to pass, said he, ▪Ile tell you said the other; my saddle was soft enough, but I believe my Breech came to be galled by riding over a long broken stony Causey.
One taking leave of his Friends, said, Well, since we must part, affection will break out of these dry Eyes, but farewell and be hang'd, I can but wish you well.
One going on the Ice it crackt under him, well said he, If the Ice should break I shall be over Head and Ears, but 'tis no matter, I can swim if I were at the bottom of the Water.
God forgive me says one, I seldome pray but when it Thunders, and then I can remember, forty years ago, for fear will quicken a dead mans Wits.
A conceited Fellow passing over a narrow Bridge another met him half way; Friend says he, It was ill done to meet me thus full-but, you might have had the manners to have come after me behind.
One having his Candle knawn every Night by the Mice, says he, I will let my Candle burn every Night, and then I shall be sure to save it from such destructive Vermine.
Two Butchers over-seeing their Dogs fighting, one crys out, the brinded Dog proves the better man my life on't.
One asking whence Lobsters were brought, the other replyed, one might easily know their Countrey by their Coat, one sort are fetcht certainly from the Black-Sea, and the other from the Red-Sea.
One commended his Son for a good Scholar, for said he, He can read in any thing without Book at first sight.
A Gentleman in a Tavern seeing a Salt-sellar of foul Salt before him, call'd very angerly to the Drawer, bidding him bring up some fresh Salt pre∣sently.
Mr. Amner with some of his Friends was invi••ed
to a Funeral not far from Windsor, where coming and finding the House full of Company, they went into an Arbour, having sate there a great while, Mr. Amner went in to know when the Corps would go to Church, but finding it gone he came hastily to his Friends, saying to them, Come come, what do you mean to stand sitting there. They are gone and pointing over the Pale, and shewing them the Corps and People in the next Field, he said, do you not see? They are out of sight already.
At another time he complained to his Friend, saying, Never was man so abused for coming over Datchet-Ferry, a Scurvey Woman Water-man put over the Boat and Landed me clean in the Myre.
The same Mr. Amner hearing some of his Neigh∣bours perswading one to go into the Water with them in the Summer time, who could not swim; said he, Neighbour be perswaded for once by me, never go into the Water till you have perfectly learned to Swim.
Being asked, whether an intimate friend of his lately Dead had left him a Legacy? No in Faith quoth he, not a Tester to drink his health.
About the year, 1671, there was an Insurrection in Dublin about the building a new Bridge over the Fife, some time after, one of these fellows, who was known to be actual in it, was brought before a Justice for some misdemeanour, the Justice knowing him, said, Sirrah, sirrah, you shall be hang'd if the Law will do it, you are a notorious Rogue, I remem∣ber you in the last Resurrection.
This Justice having rid very hard his Horse grew sick, whereupon he complained, saying, Well, well, I have done very ill to ride my Horse thus hard, I doubt he••'l hardly ever be his own Man again.
IN Poictiers in France a Nobleman owing a con∣siderable summ of Money, his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him, let it cost them ever∣so-much; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose, one who was as Impudent as Valiant, for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty. One day he met with this Lord and boldly coming up to him, told him what he was, and his business; the Lord made no resistance, but smothering his displea∣sure and revenge bid the Serjeant come along with him, it being about noon, he said, he would first dine and then consider what was to be done. The Lord went to a Cabaret or Tavern, and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Ser∣vants and then fell into discourse with this Serjeant who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing, and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enter∣prising this bold attempt, the Lord said little to him till he had dined, and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers, being brought, go now said he, and pair that fellows nailes
very close, pointing to the Serjeant, he seeing there was no avoiding it, patiently endured although the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick; this be∣ing done, the Lord came to him saying, now Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me, and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither, so forcing him into a Chair, he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one, Now Sir said he have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality; yet know Sir I will be kind to you after all this, I will sweeten your sauce for you, so causing him to be stript stark∣naked, he commanded Honey to be brought, with which he annointed him all over, and roll'd in Fea∣thers, never did African Monster appear so strange and rediculous; Lastly, he caused a Label to be fixt to his back wherein were written these words, This is Anti-Christ. Now said the Noble-man I shall take my leave of you, not without extending my Ci∣vility farther in your behalf, I doubt you may be in∣disposed and therefore you shall ride home, hereup∣on this poor Devil in Feathers was mounted, with his Hands tyed behind him, and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse, and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People.
A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in Love with a Citizens Wife of Paris, and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance: This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of his Female Friend come into the Pallas Royal, and by enquiry found that his business would not quick∣ly
be dispatcht, whereupon way he shrunk out of the Court, and got privately as he thought into the House of this Citizen, but it seems he was discovered by this Citizens Brother, who detested the debauche∣ry of his Sister and therefore presently dispatcht away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered. The Citizen presently takes this Alarm, and thinking his feet to slow, took Coach and drove Jehu-like, to hinder what was already past prevention. His Wife hearing a Coach come in that furious manner to her door, imagin'd she was betray'd, and therefore advised the Lord that was in Bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided, in case any such discoveries should happen: hearing as he thought some body coming up the stairs, for haste left his Cloathes on the Bed which she seeing in as great haste and confusion threw them into a Chest, but so un∣advised••y that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung out, of which she took no notice, but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd as if she had no more harm in her then in a little Female Devil new∣ly arrived to the Teens. Her Husband entring the Chamber said, Madam, understanding that my Lord came to visit you this Morning, I thought he might also have some business of great Importance to whisper in my ear, and that made me return sooner then you expected. The Gentlewoman confidently replyed, that he was mis-informed, for there had no body been with her that day. Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords Embroydered sleeve hang out of the Chest, and askt whose it was, and how it came thither? this 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Woman, who like
the rest of her Sex never wants an excuse in time of extremity, replyed, (but tremblingly) Sweet Heart, a Gentlewoman wanting money brought it me to shew you, desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it; let me see it (said he) and looking upon it present∣ly knew whose it was, and without discovering any passion; pull'd off his own Coat and put on that Embroydered with Gold: when he had so done, come, come, said he, I must examine your Wardrobe, and looking into the Chest found what appertain'd thereunto, as Hat, Cravat, Breeches, &c. which he took out, and habited himself therewith from top to toe, being thus gallantly, nay nobled Attired, he struts too and fro the Chamber, admiring himself in his Walk, and when he had left off adoring himself, said he, now prethee Wife tell me, don't I look like a Lord, have not I his very Mein, I cannot be∣lieve but I am one now, do thou believe so to, and we shall hug one the other oftner; but all this while I pitty the poor Gentleman that owns them, for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night, and losing all, is forced to deposit his Garments, and is it may be now a cold for his heat of Fancy. The Gen∣tleman being in a strange confusion knew not what to do, nor say; at length collecting a little courage, she had the Confidence to say, Sir, you strangely impose upon me; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids, as for you to go so often to the Exchange? No replyed he, since you have fitted me for the Court, I le no more to the Exchange; and thereupon instantly went down the stairs and calling for a Coach, ordered the Coach-man to drive him instantly to the Pallais Royal, where dismounting he
betook himself to the long Gallery where the No∣bility usually frequented, at this approach, the Eyes of all the Court were upon him, every one wondring what this fine thing should be, after several opini∣ons were spent upon him, it was concluded by the most, that as he was a stranger he could by his ha∣bit be no less than a Nobleman; at length a Cour∣tier drawing near to Caress and Complement this Noble stranger looking steadfastly in his face knew him, and cryed out aloud, O the Devil is it you Mr. Coquelineux; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty, first of a strange sight was newly come to Court, viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty command∣ed him to be brought in, which was as the other de∣signed and desired. At first sight the King knew the Person, and to whom those fine Cloathes proper∣ly belong'd, and was strangly surprized at the sight of both so improperly conjoyn'd. At length says the King, Coquelineux prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance: wouldst thou by this Garb (because I am in thy Books) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate? Though I owe thee Money, yet I owe thee no such honour; besides, if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord, thou art mistaken in the time, for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention, and perceiving an Answer was expected, replyed, May it please your Majesty, my intent of coming hither, was to no other end then to restore to the right owner his due. This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wives Chamber, and discovered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroyderea
Coat hanging out of the Chest carelesly: upon a full view, I askt whose they were; she very ingeniously told me, A Gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me, to know how much I would lend upon them, but I mistrusting they may be stoln from some per∣son of Quality, thought fit to put them on, and walk publickly at Court, for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight than any description. The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty and simplicity in his Mercer; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in, whom he concluded to be left without Garments: now that his Majesty might not loose so brave an opportunity for delight, he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House and there search for this Noble∣man, and, if found, to bring him instantly to Court, fans all excuse of going any where else. This Lord fearing some such design, thought any delay dange∣rous in staying, cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer and as an assistance to his disguise, he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up which belong'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered, as he was sneaking out of doors he was met by the Pursuivants, who knowing him by his Countenance, told him in few words, what his Majesty had commanded them, and that without ex∣cuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty: he seeing there was no avoiding it went (not without great disorder in his thoughts) with the Officers. The King and several of the Nobles seeing
this Lord in such an Antique dress, fell into such a Laughter, that they utterly forgot the civility that is due to the Royal Presence; The King having laught his sides sore, had at last leisure to say; how now Cozen whence came you; the Nobleman, who was very facetious, presently replyed, from Hell I think an't please your Majesty for I came from a bottom∣less pit: Indeed (said the King) by your Garbe you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere. You are in the right Sir (said the Lord) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raisd the Devil, and laid his Damm: in short, I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth, a Friend of mine was in a high Fe∣ver and wanted a cooling Clyster, and would have to Administer it but my self: I pittying her con∣dition, in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian. The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing, and in railery checkt him; saying, indeed you are too blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband; for the time to come forbear such practices, if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done: for see there, a Mercer chang'd in∣to a Lord, and here a Lord chang'd into a Conjurer; and so dismist them, allotting the Mercer that gor∣geous Suit in part of satisfaction for the wrong he had received, whilst the other's shame was a sufficient punishment.
IT is customary among the Nobility, and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies. Now there was a Lord (shall be at present nameless) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France, yet he must (forsooth) follow the humour of the Countrey; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely con∣fort, rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt, making no noise, and knocking at his Ladies Chamber do••e softly, she knowing his custome gave him admittance; now besides the Mode he had another reason (as he said) to approve there∣of, because it lookt so like Whoreing. Having per∣formed the necessary, and obliging duty of the Mar∣riage Bed, he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed re∣pose. One of this Lord's Valet de Chambre taking notice of this humour, concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber, and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts. Upon a serious consultation with himself, he conclud∣ed that Night best for the accomplishing his Design in which his Master had visited his Lady; about an hour after resolved to put his Lustful Project in Practice; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance: Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent their time, without my putting the mo∣dest to the extravagant expence of blushes. All I
shall say is, That this Fellow performed and repeated his part so vigorously and so often, that when he went from her, he left her all wonder and amazement: and that which encreased her admiration was his profound silence although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise: whilst she was thus ruminating with her self; her Husband, stimulated more then ordinary by some provocatives, he had taken the day before, returns and with his ac∣customed knock and whisper demanded a re-entra••ce, she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in; as he was about to renew his former enjoyment, his Lady beg'd him to forbear, urging that he was much too blame to be so inordinate in his desires: what (said she) Could not you my Lord (since you find in your self so great an alteration) be content to lye all Night here but that you must expose your Body to the cold thrice in less then two hours? Nay, nay sweet∣heart indeed it was but twice, you wrong me indeed said he: To which she replyed, That she was not mi∣staken, for assuredly it was so often. Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it; and from what he had already heard ••nd ga••hered from other cir∣cumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants; but kept all close from his Lady (for she was a vertuous Gentlewoman) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce. Having lain a while (in which time he studied to di∣vert his Lady as well as he could) he got up, and be∣ing come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male-servants Chambers that were about him making (along as he went a str••ct enquiry
with his Nose into every Bed, for it seems this Lady was well sented. There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition; because besides his Complection which never fail'd of an ar∣dent inclination to the Female Sex, he was besides both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow, but he could not tell which Bed he lay in; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed, and pul∣ling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day, he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers, and snipt off one of his Whiskers, for then it was the Fashion to wear them. This Fellow was awake, and by this knew very well his Master, and his De∣sign, first by smelling, and then by marking him, that he might be known the next day, to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone, he instantly starts up; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid cuts off from every one that had any that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on, and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning, and seeing each others right Whisker gone stood stareing one upon another like so many distracted Bedlamites, not knowing what to say, or whom to accuse. In short, one that was known suffi∣ciently to be an arch Rogue was suspected, and there∣upon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully, others took his part, by which means they were all engaged by the Ears: at the noise hereof the whole House was alarm'd and running to see what was the matter, they were so
surprized with the strangeness of such a Comical sight, that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady, that they laught beyond measure. Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions, in one entire Company, proceeding from one and the same cause. These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laught at by their fellows, whom they ob∣served not so abused as they were, imagining them the Plotters of this mischief, and without examining whe∣ther it was so or no, diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others. Now did the Cumbat be∣gin afresh, with more eagerness than before, which caused one to run and tell the Lord, that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants, and that if he came not quickly and decide the Contro∣versie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendants. Hereupon his Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms, and that they should presently come before him, hereupon they went and cleansed themselves from the Blood each Face, by Fighting, had contracted; for as they then were, one Face could hardly be distinguisht from the other, and then came and appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there. Upon the appearance of the men, my Lord and Lady were possest with the same different Passions as their Servants were; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imagi∣nable: after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers, as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards; the Defendants aledged that they were guiltless of
the Fact, and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them. To end the Controversie, in short, said my Lord, it was I that cut off one Whisker whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable inju∣ry he hath done me, their former passion was con∣verted into another of that fear, so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before: look here (said my Lord) whose remaining Whisker match∣eth this in Colour, he is the Subject of my revenge. Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees, and beg'd his Pardon, confessing the whole Truth; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears, and delivered him over to the abused Semi-whiskers who got a Blanket and tost him so long in Revenge, that they had like to tost his bones out of his skin as well as out of his Lord∣ships.
ONE Wooing a Widdow, more to satisfie his Friends, then to oblige his own inclination; told her, that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her. The first was, that when he went abroad, and returned home he should be angry without a cause: Secondly, he must eat his meat alone: And Thirdly, that he should lye with her but once a Moneth. If this be all said she I care not for as to the first, whereas you say, you shall be angry without a cause, I will take care to give you cause enough never fear. And for the second in eat∣ing your Meat alone, do and spare not, but it shall
be after I have din'd. And as for your Lying with me but once a Month take your course; If you will not another shall, for in that time, I shall have a Months mind to another.
IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeths Reign, there was a great rumour of an Invasion, whereupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were rais'd about London, insomuch, that the whole Kingdom was ter∣ribly affrighted; but all coming to nothing, a Coun∣trey Gentleman then in the City askt his Friend, to what end all that Mustering in London and Middlesex was? To what end (quoth the other?) why to Mild-End; for there was the general Muster. And to what end were so many Barges, and Loiters sent down to block up the Thames? To what end? why to Gravesend, quoth the other. I but said the Gentle∣man to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water? To what end (quoth the other?) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all.
THE Duke of Lerma used, by way of Magnifi∣cency and State, when he washt before Dinner, to give a Ring to him that held the Bason, and ano∣ther that held the Ewer, One time above the 〈◊〉〈◊〉, having a Diamond Ring on his Finger, he made this publick proposition, That whosoever of the Com∣pany could relate the saddest story in Love 〈◊〉〈◊〉
should have the Ring: whereupon a Gentleman there present undertook the task, and thus began.
May it please your Grace to understand; that I along time served two Mistresses, of different Form and Feature, the one as foul as the other fair, the one lov'd me, whom out of meer gratitude I was obliged to show some respect; the other hated me as much, as I thought whom I lov'd beyond expression. Be∣ing utterly destitute, at last, of all hope and Comfort, I dedicated my whole time to solitude, which in a lit∣tle time brought on me a desperate Fever, which in the opinion of my Physitians would not end but with my Life. The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones car, made her come to visit me, who seeing to what weakness I was reduced, smothered no longer her flame (having for some Reasons hitherto, concealed her soft Passion) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me, and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition. No Cordial could so revive my spirits, neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat, as did these sweet and melting expressions, so that in a short time I re∣covered my strength. Her Father hearing of our Love, vow'd to cross it, and thereupon lockt her up from my sight; but finding do what he could, we pri∣vately conveighed Letters to one another; he anima∣ted my Rival to fight me, In short we fought, and by the happy Influence of Heaven, I gained the Victo∣ry with my Rival's Death: Now the Law of my Countrey being very severe against Duels, I was forced to flye, hoping in time my friends would pro∣cure my Pardon. But now to make my Misery com∣pleat, the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her
in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour, the Corruption of whose Body rendred him fitter for a Grave than Marriage Bed. Now, if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addition, and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring, be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self.
He had no sooner ended his Speech, but another thus began.
Great Prince,
I must begin my mournful Story where this Gentle∣man ends his. He received at once, both a Par∣don for the Murther and a Letter from his Mistris to make haste into her imbraces; the Count her Hus∣band being gone a long Journey; he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey and I willingly yielded to his invitation. Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth enter∣tain. Long did their Kisses interrupt their Speech, which at length brake out into unfained protestations, how much their past miseries had indeared each to other. When they had chatted their fill to Supper we went, which finisht, a Banquet succeeded, ravishing both to Eye and Pallat. This ended, one comes in and whispering the Lady in the Ear she instantly chang'd Colour and cry'd out, she was undone for ever, unless I did her one friendly Office, which should eternally engage her to me; having told her, I desi∣red no greater honour than to dye in her Service.
Whereupon she told me, that the old Count her Hus∣band was returned, and newly gone to Bed being ve∣ry weary and expected her coming. Now Sir said she, not daring to trust any of my Maids, with the Secret of my Friend's being here, but you and my Sister, do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives, and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband, who without doubt will be asleep before you come; if he be not, all he will do is but to Hug you about the middle or kiss you, for other dalliance you need not fear him; besides Age hath not yet brusht your Chin, so that it seems to me as smooth as mine; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved owe a•• the fruition of loves delights to you alone. In short Sir, I was not only attentive, but obedient to her request, and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went, where I was no sooner laid, but I heard him breath, and felt him stir and move towards me, whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loathsome touch; but he mov'd still onwards and I farther and farther till I lay half naked out of bed. In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone, on a suddain my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Cham∣ber, he in his Shirt, and she in her Smock: my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and won∣der, fear of my own detection, and amazement at their boldness, thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted. At length coming to the Bed∣side drawing the Curtains, each of them with a Ta∣pour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed, for instead of the old rotten Count, there lay by me the Sister of the Countess, who for sprightful youth,
and charming beauty Nature never yet produced her like. Now Sir when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex, and what a Hea∣ven of happiness I, by mistake, had lost, I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self: my friend reaped his enjoyments; which I am never like to do, for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I hear she is removed I know not whi∣ther, so that I must now languish and dye in the Ty∣ranny of restless desire.
This Speech being ended, the Duke confessed that they both deserved much, but he questioned whether the Counts Sister deserved not as much as both, nay, more, for she knew whom was in Bed with her, and knowing her self to be so near a good turn and m••ss, aggravates vexation to the very height, and therefore said, the Ring to her did properly belong.
THE Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason, and indued it with this vertue, that whosoever dropt a French Crown into it, or to that value his Friends Soul should instantly upon the Sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory. In the Town where the Priest lived dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow, whose Uncle had left him a good Estate. To him this Priest came, and offered for a French Crown to free his Uncles Soul from Purgatory. The young man re∣plyed, it was a reasonable proposition, whereupon he took out a Crown and dropt it into the Bason,
then askt the Priest if his Uncles Soul was yet out of Purgatory, I dare lay upon my life it is freed said the Priest, which words were no sooner said, but the young man took up his money again, and put it in∣to his pocket, whereat the Priest displeased said, If you take your money again, his Soul will again enter into Purgatory. Nay said the young man there is no fear of that, for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old Knave dead, as he was living, if he be once out all the Devils in Hell cannot get him in again.
A Comly Matronly Woman (whom I shall forbear to nominate) lately lived in the Burrough of Southwark, who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body, and furniture of a house, held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit. Many plots she laid, but found none of them firm enough to build the Structure of her designed advantage till she chanced to hit upon this stratagem. She had a Daughter which was more handsome than honest, and much more witty than wise; in short, both Mother and Daughter were both as right as my leg, and as good as ever twang'd. These two consulting together, con∣cluded thus, that they should in the first place change their habitation, but before they did it, the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors, alias a Tally-man with whom she was acquainted, and took up all the Materials belonging to Man's Apparel, which she said was for her Husband, who was returned home to re∣ceive what pay was due to him for serving his Ma∣jesty
by Sea, against the Hollander: She told her sto∣ry so plausibly, expressing so much joy for his escape, and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband, that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of mans Apparel, but furnished her self with many necessary things she wanted. Being laded with credit, home she came, and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects, the old Gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex, by throwing off her Fe∣male weeds, and cloathing her self, in every respect, like a man, the young Baggage for a while preten∣ded her Mother was lately dead, and that being left to the wide world, she knew not what course to steer for want of advice; there was a young man who belon∣ged to the Sea, did Court her, but she was fearful of engaging, she had so wrought upon the Affections of divers of her Neighbours, partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue, that they undertook not only to advise but assist her. Whereupon understan∣ding that her Sweet-heart lay as a lodger in her house, some of them came to enquire into his Estate, and be∣ing very well satisfied therein, they then inquired in∣to his resolution of marrying this young woman, be protested he loved her before any in the world, and if she would, they should be mariyed the next day, it was agreed upon, and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed according to form; great was the jollity that day, and night approaching they went to bed toge∣ther, but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed, but by a Dream or the strength of imagination. The next day their
mirth increased, neither was their any diminution of it for one whole week. Having spent time enough in rejoycing, they now pretended to mind their business, the one for the house and the other abroad, who car∣ryed her business so craftily, that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be, for she was a Woman of an undaunted Spirit, and having a nimble Tongue, and quick Invention, she bad learned to bounce and Huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand, Holburn, or Convent-garden, besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation she could Smoak, Drink, and Swear with any Dammee within twenty miles of London; but when she re∣turned home and was amongst her neighbours she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety, never Swearing, nor seldome Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfullness and hilarity. Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours, she was now resolved to make use of their purses which she might easily do, by pretending she had a great deal of money due from the Navy Office, and which she had not received, but should speedily, and to confirm their belief shewed them several counter∣feit Tickets. This so wrought with some, that they lent her money, and though not every one much, yet many a little made a Mickle. Having enriched them∣selves with the spoils of others, and not daring to stay any longer in that place, they secretly removed, and took an House remote from the former to pre∣vent discovery; in this House they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men, and Women, and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that pro∣fession
which was very plain, and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was (as so drest) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife, that every one judged him what he seem'd and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose, or was more then ordinary busie below; by this means they had a very great Trade, especially by that Venery which was Winkt at as aforesaid; in this manner they con∣tinued a good while, and I have been credibly infor∣med, that the Mother (and supposed Husband to her own Daughter) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimpt for her Daughter, she would put on her own Female Habit, and sitting in the House as a customary Plyer, the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return did play the Bawd for the Mo∣ther so long, till they were apprehended for keeping a disorderly House, and being carried before a Justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was a ledged against them, and so were Committed to Bridewel, the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before, the Face of the Elder which personated the Man, but could not for the present tell where; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction, here∣upon he seized her doublet and striping it open, found by her Breasts what he had suspected; the former Justice was informed hereof, who sent for them both to appear before him, upon further examination the▪ seeming man was found to be only a lusty Woman, and Mother to that young Woman she had married, likewise it was proved against the young Woman that
she had frequently drest her self in Man's Apparrel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad for which, they were both sent back again to Bride∣well where they were severely lasht for their cheat∣ing Metamorphosis.
IN June last 1674. coming by White Chappel-Church, which was all new built, but the Steeple that remaining still in its ancient homely habit, I per∣ceiv'd a person reading a Paper which was stuck a∣gainst the new walls, being inquisitive I drew near, and found these following lines written thereon.
It happened hereupon that the Gentleman and my self agreed to drink a glass of Wine together, where having descanted on these lines a while, and finding me much delighted with Novels that are pleasant, he made his introduction to the relation of some, by these which follow, which may be more properly called Jests than Stories. It was not long since that I was in Holbourn, where I saw two high-hat H••ssing Hectors (about three quarters drunk) justle a Gen∣tleman who had never a Sword by his side, he asking them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility, they instantly drew upon him; it so chanced that the Gen∣tleman at that time (he being much in Debt and ••ea∣ring an Arrest) had a b••ace of Pistols in his Pocket,
which he drew, cockt and presented, at sight whereof one fled, and the other staid no longer than to say, Da— me blood Sir, had you a Magazeen of Swords I would have stood the shock of them all, but Rot-me I will not encounter him that carries a File of Musque∣teers in his pocket.
A Gentleman being very much in Debt, kept close within doors, and never stir'd abroad, which made all the waitings of the Bayliffs for him ineffectu∣al, several snares they laid for him, but he by his wariness shun'd them all, till the goodness of his own nature to one, betray'd him to the cruelty of others in this manner.
There was a Smith who lived opposite to this Gen∣tlemans Window, through which, every morning very early, for the benefit of the fresh Air, he used to look out, which this Vulcanian Rascal took notice of; and being before bribed by some Officers for his Ap∣prehension, he thought of a way how to betray this poor Gentleman into their Clutches. He went and told the Officers what he intended such a morning, and ordered them to be all ready, in some ambush ve∣ry near him, for he questioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the Gentleman out of doors. The Smith having bought him a rope over night, got up very early the next morning much a∣bout the time the Gentleman used to look out of his window, having got upon his Grindstone, he threw a Rope cross a Beam in his own shade, where he might be easily seen by the opposite gentleman, and having made it fast above, he put the noose about his
neck, and then extending his hands to Heaven, with elevated Eyes, he pretended to say his Prayers, the gentleman seeing this, out of meer pitty and commi∣seration, ran out with all the speed he could, the Bay∣liffs seeing that, ran out and surprised him, the Smith hearing a noise, endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter, and in that motion, slipt from the grind∣stone and there hung; the Bayliffs being busied and over-joy'd upon the seizing their Prisoner, never minded what became of the Smith, but going away with their Prisoner to secure him, left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a Treachery.
Another Smith living in the Countrey, there was a nest of Hornets in the Thatch of his Ho••el, who had made their way quite through, and as he was at work on a long Curtain rod, red hot, an Hornet stung him, at first he minded it not very much, but presently after came another; and stung him in the face, this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch, cry'd are ye there ye De∣vils, i'le set fire in your Arces presently, hereupon he ran with the rod to the Forge, and heating it again, he ran it up at them, and withal running through the thatch set it a fire, and so revenging himself on his e∣nemies, he half ruin'd himself by burning down his own Hovel.
A Certain person being very Rich, was likewise Ostentatious and very peevish, a Daughter he had was tolerably handsome, and was intirely belo∣ved by a Countrey Gentleman, of no mean Estate, having gain'd the young gentlewoman's consent, he
acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter, who no sooner heard it, but were in a great Passion, their ambition judging him to mean a Fortune, and therefore not only refuling his offer, but verily uncivilly forbade him the House: saying, Moreover, that if it should be their misfortune, & his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter, he would never give them a farthing. He obeyed their commands in that, but resolved notwith∣standing that he would see his Mistress whatever came on't, Love soon found out a way to effect it, at which interview he told her what had past between him, and her Parents, and the refusal of the Match proposed; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat, and wept bitterly, the other to comfort her, swore if she would be constant, he would never forsake her; and to shew the reallity and integrity of his Affection offered to Marry her immediatly, she consented, and being Marri∣ed with all convenient speed, they performed the rights of Hymen, and sent her home to her Fathers House, desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past, and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing.
A few days after this new married Gentleman got his (supposedly Maiden) Wife into his company and having repeated his former delights, he told her, he would go into the Countrey, giving her directions where to send to him, and that if she prov'd with Child, and that her Parents should discover it, as that they would quickly do, that then she should dissem∣ble the greatest grief imaginable, and when prest very much to discover the Father, she should then confess it was such a one, who had formerly made Love to her,
but her Parents would not accept of the Motion; as for the rest said he, leave the whole management to me.
Upon this they parted, and she proved with Child according to his expectation. The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter, with the swel∣ling of her Belly, took her into a private place & there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth, whether she was not with Child? The Daughter with many sighs and tears confessed that she was, and that such a Gen∣tleman living in the Countrey had done it: the Mo∣ther like a Woman distracted, first lockt up her Daughter, and then ran to her Husband and calling him aside, told him of the shame and Infamy, that hath befaln his Family, and by whom; this unexpect∣ed news made him ten times madder then his Wife; but at lenth they both concluded that it was but a folly either to rave or raile at their Daughter, but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their Daughters Honour. No better expedient was thought on, but to write to the Gentleman and accquaint him with what he had done, requiring satisfaction; this Letter was sent, and another return'd by him in An∣swer thereunto; to this Effect, That it is true, he had lain with their Daughter, but he knew not whether he got her with Child, for she that can dispence with being a Whore to one, will be so to another. In short he concluded, that he had no more to say then this, That if she would be so impudent to lay the Child to him he must maintain it, but as for her part, he had nothing to say to her, for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure he had purchased of her.
This return netled them to the heart, and show'd
it their Daughter with all the Approbiums that can be uttered. The poor young Woman replyed not a word, supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears. The old people grieved at this, sent down a milder Letter, requesting the favour, that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him, tending much to his advantage. He sent them word, that he had ex∣traordinary business where he was, and that he neither could, or would stir from it. As the Belly swel'd, so did their sorrow, fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof.
Upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father, that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage; this made the old Gentleman caper, Nay, then said he we are well enough; immediatly calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper he wrote another Let∣ter, charging the Gentleman home with his Promise, sometimes threatning him, if he made it not good, and then sweetning him again, &c. beseeched him to make a journey up. This Gentleman (seeing it high time to condef••end to what he most desired) sent word by such a day he would (if in health) infallibly be in London, to no other end, then to understand his will and pleasure. The Gentleman is as good as his Word, a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine, and the Cloth being taken away, the••e was no other discourse, than how to salve up their Daugh∣ters Credit by a speedy Marriage, and as an incourage∣ment they would give him a Thousand pounds: He slighted it, alledging further (with a Sir-reverence to the Company,) he would never sh—in his own Hat and then clap it on his Head; as they advanced
he more and more slights their proposals; saying that an Estate of Two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion; at length they offered him two Thousand pounds, to be paid immediatly, he accepts of it with this proviso, that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with, there shall be paid more, Five hundred pounds: it is agreed to, and the Pa∣rents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservati∣on of the honour of their House, that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediatly, the Country Gentleman agreed thereunto, and pre∣sently sent away for the same Parson that Married them; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony, he smiled, and said, Sir, that is needless, for I have done it already; How said the Old Gentleman? It is very true replyed the Son-in-Law, and for Confirmation, see here the Cer∣tificate before your Daughter was with Child; and so she is no Whore, but an honest Wife. Nay, then said the Old Gentleman I see I am Gull'd, but since it is no worse, and that our Family is not defamed, I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds, and so God bless you together.
A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker, who though poor, yet very rich, in having so handsome a Woman to his Wife, and was never blemisht in her Reputation by any light de∣portment. This Frenchman presently had her in his eye, and courted her importunely, and expensively but to no purpose. Treats proving ineffectual, be
offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night, she refused it, but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her, and upon what account; the Baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do Poverty perswaded on the one side, and love hindred on the other from accep∣ting this proffer; at length said he, dearest, there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity, and yet we will have his Money, and that is thus, I will pre∣tend to go out of Town such a day, then do you up∣on the condition aforesaid, promise Monsieur his sa∣tisfaction the night following, in the mean time, you know Tom—the Cobler, a stout fellow, him will I engage with five pounds to assist me, we will have each of us a good broad Sword, and thus armed we will creep underneath your bed, and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold (which you must have first) and he is just going into bed we will crawl out and surprise him. It was generally agreed, and Monsieur had notice of the assignation, who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town, yet he feared an ambuscado, and therefore carryed a brace of Pistols with him, besides a good Rapier. Entring the Room, he caressed her, a la mode de France, and being very fiery, he could suf∣fer no delays, but giving her the Gold, ordered her to make what hast she could to bed, and he would fol∣low after. In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him, and then undrest himself, seeing her in bed, he takes up his Sword and Pistols and ad∣vanceth towards her, she seeing him in that posture, askt him what he meant? no ting Madom of harm, only me love to have all de Arms, me sord by mee side,
me Pis-stools in mee haunds, and de Dagger before, when me go to take a Citadel or Fort, and laying down his Sword, by his bed side, he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head, not to lose time, he storm'd the Fort, and took it, and not∣withstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault, yet he boldy entred again and took possession. The poor Cuckold (and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed) could not but hear what was doing above, yet durst not stir for their lives, nay not so much as whisper, for fear of being heard, Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work, and tired to boot, leapt out of bed with his Pistols, and taking up his sword, went to the farther end of the room and drest himself, having so done, he calls to his reaking Miss, bidding her to come to him, she excused her self, saying she was in a great sweat, and might catch her death thereby, but seeing Monsieur grow resolute she obeyed. Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast, saying, Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox, give me my Gold, begar if you will not—for love, begar you shall never have my money, and so taking the Guinny's from her, went couragi∣ously down the stairs to his Lodging. Monsieur being gone, out crawls the Cowardly Cobler, and the Cuckoldly Coward, each blaming one another, and both the woman, what would you have me to do quoth she, since he lay a top of me, and what would you have us to do said they, since you both did lye a top of us, well husband all that I can say is, by this covetous stratagem of yours, you have made me a Whore, prov'd that mighty man your friend a rank Coward, and your self an unpardonable Cuckold,
I Swear———Villain if I come to thee I will give thee such a blow with this battoon, it shall drive thee so far within the Earth, that there shall nothing remain of thee above it, but thy right hand to put off thy Hat when thou shalt see me pass that way.
GO to my Cook, and tell him, it is my command that he spit me immediately a dozen and half of Demicannon, larded with Pikes, Musquets, and Hal∣berds, which I have taken from my enemies in pitcht Battles, and let there be the Bandiliers of a Foot∣company to hang about instead of Sassages; haveing done this, let him put over the Grid-Iron, and broil me three or four dozen of Carbines, with a score or two
of pocket Pistols, fryed with Brimstone, and Salt∣peeter sauce, and then come and sup with me, for this is the Food which I am accustomed to feed on.
I Am King of No-land, the terror of the World, the flower of the Nobility of Rhodomontado's, Fu∣rioso's, Superboso's, Rolands, and Olivers, beautifi∣ed with infinite Graces, fair as an Angel, the heart and courage of Lucifer, a Servant to the mighty Queens of the Earth, a Friend to distressed Ladies, and the Soveraign Prince of the Anthropophagi or Man-Eaters.
ONe day in battle I found out the Queen of the Amazons, she seeing me resolved that I should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a Queen, and there upon raiz'd her hand with her Sword therein, but I not willing to lose any time, struck her, at which she fell to the Earth; then taking her by the hair of the head, I threw her with such fu∣ry and force that he flew to the fi••th Heaven, and fell upon Mars as he was sporting with Venus. Venus be∣ing greatly afraid, cryed out for help, at whose cry the God's came running to her aid, but were much asto∣nisht when they saw Mars stretcht out upon the place. Hereupon Jupiter thrust his head through the Case∣ment, and saw me distributing wounds among my ene∣mies
with so much danger and fierceness that the fire which from every blow, resembled another Mont-Gibel or Aetna: Therefore Jupiter said to all his Bro∣ther gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done, since it might be sup∣posed, that he which had killed Mars the god of War, was every whit as able to kill the rest of the gods which yet remained living.
VVHen I speak, my voice penetrates the depths of Hell; where-ever I appear, the World offers me a free subjection from East to West. It is well known, that where ever I am, my Bedstead is made of the Ribs of Giants, the Ticking of my Bed is filled with the Moustacho's of the Masters of the Camp to the Grand Turk, my Bolster with the Brains which I boxt out of the Heads of his Captains, my Cloathes are made of the Hair of Amazons, my Co∣verlids are composed of Switzers-beards, my Cur∣tains of the Hair of the Eye-brows and Eye-lids of Hungarians and Germans, the Floor of my House instead of Brick is paved with Janazaries Teeth, my Tapistry are the skins of Arabians, and Sorcerers whom I unbarkt with the point of my Dagger, the Tiles which cover my House are the Nails of Mo∣narches and Kings, whose bodies long since in despight of them, and those miserable Carcases they indeavou∣red to defend, with a kick of my Foot I tumbled into their Sepultures.
SCorning to draw my Sword against a bravado English Captain, I gave him such a kick in the Breech, that he mounted into the Air and knockt his Head against the Sun with such great force, that he was the cause of its Ecclipse for five days; immediately this Captain kneel'd before Jupiter, praying me to pardon me all my offences, in recompence of the kindness I had done him, by that kick of the Arse I had given him, which sent him to Heaven among the Stars, since it lay in my power to send him as far (a contrary way) to Hell among the damned.
VVIth one single hair of my Moustacho's which I did dart at thee, I will make so great a gap in my Body that the whole Infantry of Spain, and Cavalry of France shall be able to pass through without touching either the one side of thee or the other.
VVIth this most redoubted Sword, I Ruine, I set on fire, I put all into a Hame, tryumph∣ing over Armies, laying waste Cities, Castles, Towers, Walls, and invincible Fortresses. With my presence I make Jove hide himself, Mercury flye, Cupid trem∣ble, Mars disguise and Transform himself, and though the silly Ram doth see me take the Tribute from his
Darling Venus which I demand, yet durst not make one Butt at us.
WHere ever I am Death is continually with me, because he finds more profit from me, then if he were General of one hundred thousand Men to fight the Turk or Devil. He knows it well and there∣fore continually follows, and accompanies me in the Conquest of the Kingdoms of Grimanians, Diceni∣ans, Dinamians, Alopitians, Pitanians and Espino∣menians, so that to speak the Truth, without his com∣pany I should walk alone, because I find none like me, and none I like but him.
AS the World is divided into four parts, three whereof Affrick, Asia, and Europe, and the••e three are incompassed and environed by the Sea, so my heart is divided into three other parts, of a Na∣ture, Affable, Terrible, and Cruel, and these three parts are surrounded not with Water, but with living Flames of scorching Fire. And as the fire is, so is (by reason of Love) my heart, by which means I am so inraged that with three blows of this my good chop∣ping blade, the fore-stroke, back-blow, and thrust, I could slay all Mankind, making Rivers of Blood lon∣ger then Ganges, broader then the ••••, and more terrible then the Cataracts of Nile. But the World I may be thankful I am in Love, for it is only for her sake that I suffer wretched Mortals to have a being.
I Have in me the nature of a Basalisk and some∣thing more; for if he with his looks can kill one, I when angry, with mine can destroy an hundred, for my Eyes are equaly as fatal as a Chain-shot from a Demi-Canon.
IF that true valour which my Soul possesseth could be purchased by Money, all Traffick would cease by Sea and Land and no more talk of Merchants or their Commodities, for every one would then labour and imploy their industry to the utmost, who should get the greatest share in me, one would aim at one of my Armes, another a Leg, one a Finger, a fourth a Nail, a fifth a Hair of my Eye-lids, and this to no other end, then that he might become valiant.
But I rejoyce that this cannot be by any means effected because it is one of the greatest causes of the present repose and quiet of all those Kings, Monarchs, and Princes, which are all my very good friends, and Kinsmen.
SInce my Band, my old Whore Fortune, gave me some offence; so that I became more displea∣sed with her then formerly, she was beloved by me, in so much, that if she performed not her Articles with me, I swore by Pluto's Hornes, by the Beard of
Mars, by Samsons Whiskers, and by Mahomets Al∣coran, that I will deprive her of her Prerogative of mutability and inconstancy, and as to her Body, with one shock I will dispatch her to Terra Incognita, her Limbs so shattered, that at the very instant of her arrival thither, she shall be reduced to powder, which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use, that is, to throw as Dust or Sand on those Letters I send to my Mistress.
I Have in two days more augmented the Stygian Kingdom of Pluto, and peopled with Subjects his black, dark, and smoaky Realm, then ever did Rodo∣mont, Rolant, Renaud, Mandrigard and Radamante, having made the hearts of more valiant and coura∣gious men in a thousand, and a thousand places to tremble; let those which inhabit the East, West, North and Equinoctial Line be my Witnesses.
VVHen I walk in the Streets of the City a thou∣sand Ladies run to meet me; one takes me violently by the Cape of my Cloak, another gives me a winck, another beseecheth me to Sup with her, ano∣ther makes me a Present, another kisseth my Hands, and blesseth that Mother that brought me into the World, adjuding her self the happiest of Women, may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night, to no other end, then that she may have a Child of the Race, of so great and worthy a perso∣nage as my self.
IF the force of my Members was distributed among faint hearted persons, and Seditious Spirits, the World would be put into a general revolt, and no∣thing would be seen therein but Battles, and Conquests; the Bells never heard, day nor night, but for the in∣terment of some dead body, Chyrurgeons would never stirr out of their houses, but to heal the wounds of Swords, cut and thrust, and to reunite fractures, or bones broken. Divines would be continually em∣ployed in comforting Widdows for the loss of their Husbands, Children for the loss of their Parents, and young Women in the Death of their Sweet-hearts.
IF I come to thee, with my Foot I will kick thee so high into the Air, that hadst thou with thee ten Cart-load of bread, thou should'st be in greater fear of starving then falling.
I Had one day a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who defied me, saying, draw if thou darest, con∣sidering with my self that I am all courage, refused so to do, because the French being cold, and without choler, I might have given him five hundred Thrusts, and as many slashes, without killing him; but as for me who am wholly filled, and made up of Courage and Choler, with the least blow in the World, he might have sent me to the Devil.
A Fellow swore that he had seen a Base-Viol as big as the Duke's Theater; one demanding how it could possibly be play'd on? well en∣ough (quoth the other) for he that own'd it, made a two-handed Bow about a Furlong in length; and he and his Wife drew it on the Strings, while ten of his Children ran two and fro upon the Stops or Frets, ob∣serving with their feet as exact Time, as any could do with their fingers.
A Romanist swore he swallowed a Pin, and present∣ly making a Cross upon his Leg, pul'd it out there.
A Soldier swore desperately, that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian; there chan∣ced to be a Parley between the two Generals where a River parted them, at that time it Froze so excessive, that the words were no sooner out of their mouths, but they were frozen, and could not be heard till ele∣ven days after, that a Thaw came which dissolved them and made them audible to all.
One protested that on Salisbury plain, he started a Hare, and having a Horse under him that was very fleet; coursed her, and gave her for turns at least, at length his Horse growing weary and he vext to the heart that he could not tire her, threw his Hat at her; which lighting just before her, she ran into it, and turn∣ed over and over it so long, that he had time enough to alight from his Horse and take her up.
A notable arch Crack in Paris, got a bag of Ashes
and carried them to a man whom he knew to be a great admirer of Reliques, who askt him twenty pound a Peck for them, swearing, that they were the ashes of those coles which burnt St. Laurence.
A Fellow swore that he ran a Gray-hound Bitch great with Whelps at a Hare, who taking a Hedge and the Bitch making after her, she lighted on a Stake which rent her belly up, and that the whelps which were within her ran after the Hare and kill'd her. I loved (said he) this Bitch so well, that I made a pair of Buskins of her skin, which had the power to endue me with such swiftness; that if at any tiuse a Hare started in my way, I could not rest till I caught her.
A Keeper swore he shot a Buck's right foot and left ear at one shoot, and being asked how he could possibly do it, (he answered) that the Buck was lying and scrat∣ching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him.
Strada reports that a fellow lived in his time, whose Nose was so long, he could not hear himself Sneese.