Epicoene, or the silent woman. A comedie. Acted in the yeare 1609. By the children of her majesties revels. The author B. I.

Act II. Scene II.

True-wit, Morose, Cutherd.

BY your leaue, Sir (I am a stranger here) is your name, Master Morose? is your name, Master Morose? F••shes! Pythagoreans all! this is strange! What say you, Sir, nothing? Has Harpocrates been here, with his Club, among you? well Sir, I will beleeue you to be the man, at this time: I will ven∣ter vpon you, Sir. Your friends at Court commend 'hem to you, Sir—

(Mor. O men! O manners! was there euer such an impu∣dence?)

Tru.

And are extremely sollicitous for you, Sir.

Mor.

Whose Knaue are you!

Tru.

Mine owne Knaue, and your Compere, Sir.

Mor.

Fetch me my Sword—

Tru.

You shall taste the one halfe of my Dagger, if you do (Groome) and you, the other, if you stirre, Sir: be patient, I charge you, in the Kings Name, and heare me without insur∣rection. They say, you are to marrie? to marry! doe you marke, Sir?

Mor.

How then, rude companion!

Tru.

Marry, your friends doe wonder, Sir, the Thames be∣ing so neere, wherein you may drowne so handsomely; or London-bridge, at a low fall, with a fine leape, to hurry you downe the streame; or, such a delicate Steeple, i' the Towne, as Bow, to vault from; or, a brauer height, as Pauls, or, if you affected to doe it neerer home, and a shorter way, an excellent Garret Windore, into the street; or, a Beame, in the said

Garret, with this Halter; which they haue sent, and desire,

Hee shewes him a halter

that you would sooner commit your graue head to this knot, then to the Wed-locke nooze; or, take a little Sublimate, and goe out of the World, like a Rat; or a Flye (as one said) with a Straw i' your Arse: any way, rather, then to follow this Goblin Matrimonie. Alas, Sir, doe you euer thinke to find a chaste Wife, in these times? now? when there are so many Masques, Playes, Puritane Preachings, Mad-folkes, and other strange fights to be seene daily, priuate and pub∣lique? if you had liu'd in King Etheldred's time, Sir, or Ed∣ward the Confessors, you might, perhaps haue found in some cold Countrey-Hamlet, then, a dull frostrie Wench, would haue beene contented with one man: now, they will as soone be pleas'd with one legge, or one eye. I'll tell you, Sir, the monstrous hazards you shall runne with a Wife.

Mor.

Good Sir! haue I euer cosen'd any friends of yours of their Land? bought their Possessions? taken forfeit of their Morgage? begg'd a Reuersion from 'hem? bastarded their Issue? what haue I done, that may deserue this?

Tru.

Nothing, Sir, that I know, but your itch of Mar∣riage.

Mor.

Why? if I had made an Assassinate vpon your Fa∣ther; vitiated your Mother; rauished your Sisters —

Tru.

I would kill you, Sir, I would kill you, if you had.

Mor.

Why? you doe more in this, Sir: It were a ven∣geance centuple, for all facinorous Acts, that could be nam'd, to doe that you doe—

Tru.

Alas, Sir, I am but a Messenger: I but tell you, what you must heare. It seemes, your friends are carefull after your soules health, Sir, and would haue you know the dan∣ger (but you may doe your pleasure, for all them, I perswade not, Sir) If, after you are marryed, your Wife doe run away with a Vaulter, or the Frenchman that walkes vpon Ropes, or him that daunces the Ijg, or a Fencer for his skill at his Weapon, why it is not their fault; they haue discharged their consciences: when you know what may happen. Nay,

suffer valiantly, Sir, for I must tell you, all the perils that you are obnoxious too. If shee be faire, and young, vegetous, no Sweet-meates euer drew more Flyes; all the Yellow Dou∣blets, and great Roses i' the Towne will bee there. If foule, and crooked, shee'll bee with them, and buy those Doublets and Roses, Sir. If rich, and that you marry her Dowry, not her; shee'll raigne in your House, as imperious as a Widow. If Noble, all her Kindred will be your Tyrannes. If fruitfull, as proud as May, and humorous as April; she must haue her Doctors, her Mid-wiues, her Nurses, her longings euerie houre: though it be for the dearest morsell of man. If lear∣ned, there was neuer such a Parrat; all your Patrimonie will be too little for the Guests, that must be inuited, to heare her speake Latine and Greeke: and you must lye with her in those Languages too, if you will please her. If precise, you must feast all the silenc'd Brethren, once in three dayes; salute the Sisters; entertayne the whole Family, or Wood of 'hem; and heare long-winded Exercises, Singings, and Catechisings, which you are not giuen to, and yet must giue for: to please the zealous Matron your Wife, who, for the holy cause, will cosen you, ouer and aboue. You begin to sweat, Sir? but this is not halfe, i'faith: you may doe your pleasure notwithstan∣ding,

The Mute is stealing away.

as I said before, I come not to perswade you. Vpon my faith, Master Seruingman, if you doe stirre, I will beate you.

Mor.

O, what is my sinne! what is my sinne?

Tru.

Then, if you loue your Wife, or rather, dote on her, Sir: O, how shee'll torture you! and take pleasure i' your tor∣ments! you shall lye with her but when shee lists; shee will not hurt her beauty, her complexion: or it must bee for that Iewell, or that Pearle, when shee do's; euery halfe houres pleasure must be bought anew: and with the same paine, and charge, you woo'd her at first. Then, you must keepe what Seruants she please; what company shee will; that friend must not visit you without her licence; and him shee loues most shee will seeme to hate eagerliest, to decline your

iealousie; or, faigne to bee iealous of you first; and for that cause goe liue with her she-friend, or Cosen at the Colledge, that can instruct her in all the Mysteries, of writing Letters, corrupting Seruants, taming Spyes; where shee must haue that rich Gowne for such a great day; a new one for the next; a richer for the third; be seru'd in sil∣uer; haue the Chamber fill'd with a succession of Groomes, Foot-men, Vshers, and other Messengers; besides Embroy∣derers, Iewellers, Tyre-women, Sempsters, Fether-men, Per∣fumers; while she feeles not how the Land drops away; nor the Acres melt; nor foresees the change, when the Mercer has your Woods for her Veluets; neuer weighes what her Pride costs, Sir: so she may kisse a Page, or a smooth chinne, that has the despayre of a Beard; be a States-woman, know all the Newes, what was done at Salisbury, what at the Bath, what at Court, what in Progresse; or, so shee may cen∣sure Poets, and Authors, and stiles, and compare'hem, Da∣niel with Spenser, Iohnson with the tother youth, and so foorth; or, be thought cunning in Controuersies, or the very knots of Diuinitie; and haue, often in her mouth, the state of the question: and then skip to the Mathematiques, and de∣monstration and answere, in Religion to one; in state, to ano∣ther, in baud'ry to a third.

Mor.

O, ô!

Tru.

All this is very true, Sir. And then her going in dis∣guise to that Coniurer, and this cunning woman: where the first question is, how soone you shall die? next, if her pre∣sent Seruant loue her? next that, if she shall haue a new Ser∣uant? and how many? which of her Family would make the best Baud, Male, or Female? what precedence she shall haue by her next match? and sets downe the answeres, and be∣leeues 'hem aboue the Scriptures. Nay, perhaps shee'll study the Art.

Mor.

Gentle Sir, ha' you done? ha' you had your plea∣sure o' me? I'll thinke of these things.

Tru.

Yes Sir: and then comes reeking home of vapor and sweat, with going afoot, and lyes in, a moneth, of a new face, all Oyle, and Bird-lime; and rises in Asses Milke, & is clens'd with a new fucus: God b'w'you, Sir. One thing more (which I had almost forgot.) This too, with whom you are to marry, may haue made a conuayance of her Virginitie a∣fore-hand, as your wise Widdowes doe of their states, before they marry, in trust to some friend, Sir: who can tell? or if she haue not done it yet, she may doe, vpon the Wedding day, or the night before, and antidate you Cuckold. The like has bin heard of, in nature. 'Tis no deuis'd impossible thing, Sir. God b'w'you: I'll be bold to leaue this Rope with you, Sir, for a remembrance. Farewell Mute.

Mor.

The Horne againe

Come, ha' mee to my Chamber: but first shut the doore. O, shut the doore, shut the doore: Is he come again?

Cut.

'Tis I, Sir, your Barber.

Mor.

O Cutberd, Cutberd, Cutberd! here has beene a cut∣throate with me: helpe me in to my bed, and giue me Physick with thy counsell.