The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests.

CHAP. VII.

Some Questions and Answers by way of Discourse, between a Yea-and-Nay Friend, and a Man of the World.

Man.

O Friend John, how is't? How goes Trade at the Wind-mill Tavern? What, thee still sellest Wine and Sin at 12 d. the Quart I warrant?

Friend.

Heark thee, Cornet, it is like I have sold thee many a Bottle of Wine (and

I have some reason to remember it) but for the Sin thee speakest of, I never contracted with thee for any Commodity of that Na∣ture, but it is to be feared thee mayst have dealt with the evil One for that. I buy my Wines of Friend F—who, I am apt to believe, thee thinkest to be an honest Man, and would not sell me a drop of Sin in a Butt of Wine, if he were aware of it.

Man.

But, John, thee knowest Wine is a good Creature, or else, why dost thee deal in it? And good Creatures do not put bad Things into Peoples Heads; but I have sometimes drunk of Wine at thy House that hath put a Thousand ill Things into my Noddle, and am therefore apt to think there might be something of the Old Man mixed with it; for I could seldom come out of thy Doors, but I must presently get into some Sinning-house or other, and what canst they say to that?

Friend.

I say it is probable there might be somewhat too much of the Young Man in that; for I can tell thee by Experience, that when I was about thy Years, it would have a much like Operation with me, so that sometimes in an Evening I have had extravagant Thoughts that way; but since I am come to write Old Man, I find a

great abatement of that ruffling Vigour, which if it were in the Wine, would still continue; and therefore I am apt to think it is more in the Nature of the Man, than in the Wine.

Man.

John, I commend thee, thou art not like one of those Skew-mouth'd, Sowre∣fac'd, Ill-look'd Fellows, that shall stand groaning, and turning up their Eyes when they see a fair Lady (though the Devil be not like them in a Corner;) but thou (like a generous Man) ownest thy Incli∣nations, and this Frankness of thine is a Thousand times better than all their Mi∣micking Cant.

Friend.

Yea, though I am free to say so much to thee, it might be much to my prejudice, if Friends should come to hear of it: For though (as thee wert saying) many of' em are old Dog at it in a Corner, they shall be the first to throw a Stone at a frail Brother.

Man.

Well, John, I think after thee and I have so often been drunk together, there is no need thou shouldst doubt my Secresie: But 'prethee how does Jenny doe, that's a pretty Rogue?

Friend.

Nay, thee wilt hardly imagine how Scurvily that Baggage hath served

me, almost enough to make me renounce Female Correspondence.

Man.

A good modest word for it I vow, but 'prethee, Friend John, how was it?

Friend.

Why, after thee wentest to the Camp I took her into my House to Board, and used her with all the kindness thee canst imagine, but one of my Merchants Men happening to come to the House one After∣noon when I was from home; he got her out of the Bar, and he got her up Stairs, and got her to Eat and Drink with him at a high rate, at length he got her quite from me; and the Gipsie (they say) is gone to Fulham to take the Air; thee mayst well think the rest: So that I am left without a Female to Credit my Bar, and to look after the Business of my House.

Man.

Ay, and without a Play-fellow: 'Troth I pity thee, poor Friend John. How dost thee manage thy self under these hard Circumstances? and how does thy outward Man bear it under such a sad Disappoint∣ment?

Friend.

Why I have been thinking to borrow my Cooper's Wife, Margaret (and thee knowest she is a pretty Woman) to stand in the Bar at times; but her Husband is such a Jealous pated Fellow, that if

thee or I should at any time have any busi∣ness to call her up Stairs, the Fellow would presently run mad, and spoil all my Wine; and yet I must be forced to take in a Fe∣male to carry on the Trade of my House, or else I were e'en as good pull down the Bush; for the Town is come to that pass, that thee, and such as thee art, will not drink at a Tavern unless there be some∣thing of a handsom Woman in the Case.

Man.

Nay faith, Friend John, it is too true, I am clearly for a little Love in the Case, the Wine goes down the better for't; but some of these Bar-women (though they look as demure as a She-friend at a Silent Meeting) yet are detestably Common, and shall make as much work for a Surgeon, as half the ••ilts that ply in Fleetstreet; and what is to be done in that Case, Friend John?

Friend.

Why (plainly) I say, such things may happen in wicked Houses, where due care is not taken, and there the Gamester must stand all hazards; but thee hast seldom ever found such neglect at my House, where none are admitted to that Freedom but a special Friend, or so; and if any thing be amiss, the Female durst as well be Excommunicate as put such a trick

upon a Customer that useth my House: That would go near to raise so much of the Old Man in me, as might break forth to the damage of her outward Tabernacle; besides, being for ever discharged of the Trust of the House. But 'prethee, Cor∣net, come and see thy Friend some time, thee mayst be assured of good Wine, and a Souldiers Bottle.

Man.

And procure a kind She-friend to boot, Friend John; it's that I always in∣sist upon: I say, canst thou not procure a good She-friend of thy own Green-apron Tribe? I fancy such a Dish may do very well for change sometimes.

Friend.

Thee talkest after a reprobate sort of way, as if I were to turn Broker or Procurer, and have my House Branded with the Infamous Name of a Common-house; nay, nay, I would not have thee press any thing upon me that looks that way: But it's like I may perswade or pre∣vail with a sober Friend to be kind to thee, or so; but to turn Procurer, I abominate the loath'd name of such a one.

Man.

'Troth, admirably will distin∣guish'd (hadst thou not been a Yea-and-Nay Brother) I should have said learnedly distinguished, and enlarged upon the Point:

No, no, I'll have no procuring, only pre∣vail with a Friend, as thee wert saying. Faith, Friend John, I am very well Edi••ied, and (twenty to one) may call upon thee, touching the Premises.

Friend.

Fare thee well, I would have thee be mindful.

Man.

Never fear it, Friend John—

[Exit Laughing.

Certain Verses made into Metre to signifie Friends Attainment in Poetry.

WHen Heads of Friends at first were bent Like Wind-mills to turn round, That Motion soon begat Ferment, And streight a Light we Found; A Light so dull, obscure and faint, No other could it see; But Holders-forth did still maintain't, And hey Boys, up got we.

Ʋpon a Tub, or Stool advanc'd In midst of Learned Throng; Till down their Cheeks fat Sweat hath danc'd; And postern ferm'd among:

And still the Light, the Light they squeak'd, 'Pray mind ••he Light within, Till all the Crowd with Heat have reak'd, And yet no Light was seen.

But yet if carnal Learned Men Have taught their Scholars Right, No Heat can be without some Fire, And where there's Fire there's Light: That there was Fire and Light, Yea both Full plainly it appears, By Foam of Yea-and-Nay-Man's Mouth, And Glowing of his Ears.

Thus having prov'd Friends have the Light, Next Thing I shall evince, Is, what the Brethren do see by't, Beyond the Power of Sence. For such Discoveries they've made By force of this same Optick, That, that which others make a Trade, Would make a Friend quite Crop-sick.

And first this Light doth plainly shew What Steeple-houses are; That they are Shops, to set to view, And vend proud Baal's Ware: That 'tis Friends Interest to fly From Walls so much prophan'd, And make a Temple of a Sty, A Stable, or a Barn.

That for a Friend to put off Hat Is great Abomination, That Ribbons are of Pagan date, And Lace a carnal Fashion; And that Minc'd Pies are sinful Meat To Idols vain devoted, And Plum-broth, a sad Crime to Eat, As Learned Friends have Noted.

They have found out the use of Rings, A heathenish Invention; That Necklaces are Ominous Things, Not fit for Friends to Mention: That Learning is a Cheat they've found, 'Cause it detecteth Error; Therefore 'tis fit to run't a ground, For 'tis to Friends a Terror.

That She-friend (when at Bull-and-Mouth) Appear in Green-Say Apron, And look demure and meek, forsooth, Without a Fringe or Tape on: Though when at Home in Richest Silks, And Hood set loose, she'd Tempt ye, Flanting like one of the Town Jilts, And can as soon Content ye.

That Friends Encrease and Multiply, By way of Propagation; The better to stock and supply The next Wind-mill Plantation:

And to maintain the Canting Race, From fear of an Expunction, Friend may Hold-forth, and may Embrace One of the Carnal Function.

These great Advantages and more, Which here I have forgotten, Friends have arriv'd to, on the Score Of that same Light you wot on▪ These by the World are deem'd to be Such Ear-marks of Distinction, That Friend is known as easily, As poor Knight knows his Pension.

As other Puddings (though full of Plumbs) Of a Quaking-pudding come short all, Even so doth Friend, where e'er he comes Transcend each other Mortal: His prick'd-up-Ears (like Almonds blanch'd) Stuck thick as they can clutter, And words as Sweet as any Manchet, With Sugar, Sack and Butter.

And as the May-pole in the Strand (Though stripp'd of her Array) Surpasses those which in Country stand With all their Garlands Gay; For he is a taller, braver Plant, And hath stood out many a Shower; So Friend (though Flutterments he want) Makes Fop his Top sails lower.

Nor is it unto Friends alone Th' Advantage doth arise, For half the People in the Town Can see through our Disguise; And all by help of that same Light I told thee of long since, That a Friend hath now no more benefit by't, Than hath a Son of Ignorance.

For plainly they the Cheat discern Through all our feigned Dresses, And pass their Flouts, with Scoff and Scorn, At our Midnight Carresses. That Friends are mark'd and pointed at By Porters, Dray-men, Bakers, Tinkers and Coblers, and what not; There's one of the Wet-Quakers.

But why't should be a Sight so rare To see a Friend has Paddled, I fansy 'tis more common far Than to find Egg that's Addled: Yet Egg is Egg, although it smell And be a little Noisom, So Friend is Friend, and will be still, Though he be somewhat Toisom.

Besides, 'tis but Friends Outward Man That hath been laid a Soaking, And when but little Fire hath been, There has been mighty Smoaking.

So frequently by carnal Ones Friends have (like Bulls) been Baited, When all the while the Inner Man Is uncontaminated.

Thus I have prov'd Friends have the Light, And their Advantage by it, And think I'm so far in the Right, That thou canst not deny it. If that the Metre do not Chyme In Consort, for to please thee, Know, Friends are not much used to Rhyme, And there's an end John Easie.

There is no doubt but by this time thee mayst be satisfied, that much may be said to the advantage of Friends in Rhyme, as well as to the Commendation of other People; and since the Heathen Poets have writ great Volumes in Praise of some Men that they have thought deserving, it may be a Task not unworthy the Attempt of some brave Pen, to oblige the World by some heroick Endeavours, singing a∣loud the Prowess and high Atchievements of Friends.