The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests.

CHAP. VI. (Book 6)

Containing divers Letters from Friends upon several Occasions.

A Letter from a Friend to an Attorney in Lon∣don, to Arrest one that owed him Monies.

Friend,

I Herewithal send unto thee the Copy of an Accompt, as it was stated between J. W. of London, and my self, on the Seventh Month of the last Year, as thee mayst see by the Writing; it is a part of my outward Portion which I cannot well want: And since the Jews (our Predeces∣sors) are allowed to Implead and recover Debts due to them, I know not why Friends may not be free to secure their part of the Worldly Mammon. Therefore I would have thee to employ a carnal Officer called a Serjeant to seize upon his outward Taber∣nacle, and lay him in Custody until such time that the Monies be paid down, or some one or other (known to be conside∣rable in the Goods of this World) put his Fist of Wickedness to a further Secu∣rity,

so that I may not be defrauded of my outward Subsistence. However, I would have thee use all convenient moderation towards the Creature, and for thy trouble herein thou shalt be satisfied by,

Thine in the Light, W. R.

Utopia, this 17th. of the 5th. Month, 81.

Another Letter from Friend A. to the Parson of N.

Wicked Priest,

THou Hireling, thou Priest of Baal; nay, thou Member of the Beast that sittest in thy Steeple-house, and there thou pre∣tendest to be acted by the Infallible Spirit, which thou receivedst when thy Predeces∣sors of the Order of the Mag-py laid their wicked, bloody, and unclean Hands upon thy filthy Noddle; when alas, there is no Light, no not so much as the least glimmer∣ing of Light in thee; for thou art compassed and covered with thick darkness, yea with Egyptian darkness, which leadeth thy People

into that State which Spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt. Though thou takest upon thee to be their Pastor, thou rather appear∣est to be an Impostor; for thou strippest, and starvest, and sellest thy Flock for filthy Lucre: If thou beest not a Jew, how darest thee demand and sue for the Tenths that were given under the Law to the Tribe of Levi? Art thee a Priest of that Tribe? And is thy Separation to thy Office such as theirs was? How darest thou hold Friends in filthy Prison-houses, and starve their Fa∣milies, under a pretence that the Tenth of their Labour is thy due, unless (I say) thou wert of the Seed of Abraham, and the Tribe of Levi? Thinkest thou that Six or Seven Years studying the Language of the Beast, at one of the two Infamous Ʋni∣versities, and having thy Crown scratch'd in an Ember-week, gives thee a Title to the Care of the Souls in the Parish of N.? I say unto thee Nay, nay, nay, for all the while thou art in the Gall of Bitterness, and Bond of Iniquity; therefore I declare unto thee in the Power of the Light, and in Trem∣bling, and great Assurance that a horrible Tempest will overtake thee, even such as will blow up the Foundations of thy False Church, and discover the rotten bottom

thereof: For the Cries of Friends are migh∣tily against thee, and will not fail to pull a horrible Vengeance upon thy Head. Therefore I advise thee to set at Liberty the Bodies of William, and Tobet, and Hum∣phrey, whom thou hast most wickedly, and like a Member of the False Prophet, kept in Bonds for filthy Hire; so that they may be at Liberty to act in their Callings for the Support of their Families: For thee mayst be well assured that (if thou keep them there till Dooms-day) Friends will not bow their Knee to thee, nor to thy Baal, whom thou after a most Idolatrous manner settest up. Nay, I say unto thee, thou wilt find Friends rather willing to bear their Testimony unto the Death, than to sub∣mit to thy Lewd and Idolatrous Imposi∣tions. This was upon my mind to Declare unto thee, to join my Testimony as a further Witness against thy carnal, persecuting Spi∣rit; and hereunto I have set my Hand,

J. W.

The 17th. day of the 2d. Month, by the World called April, and in the Year of Friends Captivity.

A Letter from a Friend in Noddy-Land.

Friend Thomas,

I Have often had thoughts of giving thee an Account of our Arrival in this Place, of its Situation, Temper, and what we underwent (as well in our Passage hither, as since our Arrival;) and when this comes to thy Hand, thou mayst see that I have taken the present Opportunity to dispatch unto thee by the Wind-mill Fri∣got, Patrick Maggot Master, being the same that brought us hither. And it seems not amiss if I begin to relate unto thee what happened to us in our Passage, which (as thou knowest) we began the 34th. Day of the Month of Fancies. When we came on Board at Gravesend, there was very little material happened unto us, until we passed the Downs, saving that divers Friends came to take their Leaves of us, not without promises, that (when we had planted the Light in those far Parts, and Converted the Wolves and Natives of the Country to the Naylorian Faith) they would come and seek out a Habitation amongst us; and in the mean time would not fail to send over to us

as many as they could of the Families of the Fickle-heads, Paper-sculls, Humourists and Stiff-necks, besides some of the Order of Thomas Muggleton, to Settle and Improve us in Bull-and-Mouth Faith. Having given us these assurances, they recommended us to the Protection of the Waves, leaving some vollies of Sighs to fill the Sails, and a great many Farewels and goggling Glances to accompany us in the Voyage. We took in divers Passengers as we passed down the Channel, some of which I shall name unto thee, because they may be of great use un∣to us in this place; there was (let me see) Humh—Thomas Giddybrains, Arthur Holderforth, Geofery Crackwit, Marmaduke Featherpate, and Humphrey Shakenoddle; besides some She-Friends that freely offered themselves with much chearfulness to accom∣pany the Brethren into any Region whatso∣ever, for the sake of Propagating the Bull-and-Mouth Strain: Amongst them was Eli∣zabeth Stickfast, Margery Tiplecan, with some others, who may be of great Refresh∣ing when need shall require. But I shall now speak no more of that matter, but pursue my Design in acquainting thee with what we observed in our Voyage. The first me∣morable Place we came to was that which

they call the Bay of Biscay, belonging to the Coast of Spain, and our Wind-mill was here put very hard to it, for the Winds were loud and contrary, the Waters rough and mountainous; so that it was well that we of the Ships Crew were of such Light Principles and make, that we had no appre∣hensions of Sinking, or else we might have been in danger of having our Lights quench∣ed in the Bay, by the Impetuosity of the Waters, as some Friends have had theirs Extinguished on that Shore, by the Violence of an Hurricane, they call the Inquisition. We continued two Nights and almost three Days in this boisterous Place, before we got off; and then the Sea calm'd, and the Winds became gentle all of a sudden, which seemed as if we had left all our troubles behind on the Shores of Europe, and that we had now past the Storms of Adversity, and were going to enjoy Peace, Light and Tranquillity amongst the better natured In∣habitants of the Forests of Noddy-Land; for though at our first Landing we might find them somewhat rough and barbarous, yet we had no reason to dispair, but the constant Temper of Friends, and the Resem∣blance and Proportion they maintained in their Understandings, with those of that

New-found Country, would soon beget a mutual Amity amongst us, and reconcile them to so agreeable Conversation.

We continued our Course through a vast unbounded Ocean, abounding with di∣vers Sorts of strange Fishes, some whereof had Wings and flew above the Waters; these we thought might resemble Friends, for that which occa••ioned these Fishes to fly, was to avoid the devouring Jaws of certain great Fishes that hunted after them upon the face of the Waters; and then they would of a sudden spring up, and con∣veigh themselves in the Air to a far distant place, and by that means were preserved. We also saw divers of the great Fishes cal∣led Porpoises, who with great and indefati∣gable Eagerness were still in pursuit of their Prey; and these seemed unto us to re∣present our Adversaries the Informers, Appa∣ritors and Proctors, who often suck in whole Shoals of Friends; stowing them in the nasty Maws of their Prison-houses; unless (like the flying Fishes) Friends get on Wing to avoid their greedy Chase.

One Night, in our Passage, Susanna dream'd, That the Whore of Babylon had put her self in the Disguise of a Friend, and was going over Incognito, to mix her Tares

and Chaff amongst the precious Seed that Friends were about to Plant in this to be re∣formed Climate; and that she had on Board many Bushels of such detestable Weeds, whereby she intended to choak the good Corn. We were very much troubled at this Vision of Susanna's, and could not think it to be any think short of a Revela∣tion; wherefore we were as diligent as possible to find out if any such person was amongst us, and began to enquire amongst our selves, where every ones place of Birth and Abode had been? At last it seems there was one who had been bred in Italy, but upon further Examination of the Matter you could no more have imagined her to be the Whore of Babylon than the Cam of Tartary; for it was not possible you could discern any difference betwixt her and the rest of the Sisters, nor was there any sign that she had ever used Patching or Painting, nor could we find so much as one Bull or Necklace amongst all her Cloaths; besides, her Looks were so Innocent, her Demeanour so Humble, and her general Conversation so sweet and obliging, ha∣ving such a particular kindness for Friends, that we concluded Susanna's Dream must needs mean somewhat else, that we could

not conceive at that time, and therefore we e'en troubled our Heads no more about it.

A Day or two after we met with a small Storm, which was very black and trouble∣som for sometime, but it continued not long, not above the space of four or five Hours. The Captain told us we were then a∣bout the Isle of Poines; and that there were a sort of Evil Spirits that haunted those Parts, and always shewed some distaste or other when Friends passed by, perhaps fearing least at some time or other Friends may take occasion to Plant the Light a∣mongst them; which doubtless would be the ruine of their State.

At length we arrived, after all difficul∣ties, and came safe on the Shore of a Land, in all Respects, so like our selves, as if it had been cut out on purpose; for nothing but an universal Confusion appeared, no∣thing was Regular, nothing in Order: There were no Exchanges for Pride and Vanity, no gilt Coaches, nor painted Women, no Steeple-houses nor Hireling-Priests, no wicked Ʋniversities for the Cor∣rupting of Youth with humane Learning, no Inns of Court, to set one Neighbour against the other. And some are of Opinion, it

will be safer for the Publick to have no Laws at all amongst us; for whilst we come not to a determination of what shall be Law, every body hopes that his Opini∣on or Inclination may be gratified, but when once the thing is concluded upon, one side or other will certainly be disgusted: There∣fore the more Prudent conclude this way of suspending any positive determination as to that matter, to be of more universal satisfaction, than it were possible to be were it once resolved upon. So that to me it seems much better not to be troubled with tedi∣ous Volumes of humane Laws; which have always been such a burthen as neither Friends, nor our Brethren of the Dissention have been able to bear: And since there is no Transgression where there is no Law, it would look as if we made Laws on pur∣pose to make Transgressor; but every Friend may be a Law unto himself; and then of consequence there will be no room for vexatious Sutes, carnal Officers, wicked Prosecutions, nor cruel Prison-houses. And as for Steeple-houses, we intend to Build none, and that will be an Infallible way to keep out unclean Church-men, for they will find little Comfort to Inhabit where they have no resting Place. And we are out of hopes of

bringing over the Natives to us in some short time, by inviting them to a * 1.1Promiscuous Cohabitation with us; so that the Issue (at first) will be Enlightned on one side, and in the next Generation, there need be no doubt but they may be Transparent all through. Our greatest fear is, least at some time or other the Whales might Con∣spire against us, and bring Doctors-Commons (over Sea) into this our illuminated Plan∣tation; but as long as London-bridge standeth in the old place, it will be a hard matter for them to do it, and we hope our Friends (yet behind) will take care to secure that Post: For if that Nest of Plagues should once come to be Transplanted into this our Region, it would soon render it Ʋnhabita∣ble, not only to us of Bull-and-Mouth Order; but even the Old Inhabitants, Bears, Wolves and Tygers, would find a troublesom Neigh∣bourhood. For the Security of our Territories, I may (without Vanity) freely tell thee, that we think our selves Head-strong enough to Guard them without the help of carnal Swords and Guns; and for Powder we have an utter aversion, because it is said to be the Invention of a Friar, and smells rank of Superstition. Thus I have as briefly as I

could summ'd up unto thee what I have to say, and was upon my mind to write unto thee, concerning what I spoke of in the beginning of the Letter. I would advise thee not to let it come into the Hands of the Wicked. And so I rest

Thine as touching the Light, B. K.

From the Yea-and-Nay Planta∣tion in the Province of Noddy∣land, this 7th. Day of the 9th. Month, and in the 1st. Year of Its Inhabitation.

Notes

• * 1.1

  A kind of heathen Word.