Sr. Hercules Buffoon, or, The poetical squire a comedy, as it was acted at the Duke's Theatre / written by John Lacy ...

FIFTH ACT.

SCENE I.

Enter Buffoon, Bowman, Laton.

La.

O Sir Hercules, there's rods in piss for you 'y saith, my Uncle is so incens'd against thee, for putting that damn'd Joke of Whetstones Park upon him, that he resolves to have the whole Nation search'd, but he will have thee.

Her.

I thought a Deer out of Whetstones Park had been welcomer to him than all the Venizon i'th' world; how came he to know it?

Bo.

Why it seems he inquir'd of some of his Brother Lawyers where about in Middlesex a place call'd Whetstones Park stood; and withall told 'em he had bargain'd for two Brace of Deer yearly out on't during his life.

La.

Upon that they all fell a laughing at him ready to split, and told him it was a Park of Bawdy-houses; which made him fall into so great a rage, that he has sent his Clerk, Constables, and Devil and all to search for thee.

Her.

Why you know 'twas Sir Thomas Lovill with the wooden Leg, that put Whetstones Park upon him: I'll go to him as I am Sir Hercules, and bid him produce his lame Knave Sir Thomas Lovill: hast thou the Deed of thy Fathers Estate, Man?

La.

I have it Old Boy: he was so pleas'd that I fought with thee in the defence of his Reputation, that he gave me the Deed presently; and the Lawyer•• assure me, that it is a•• firm a Deed as ever yet was ma••e.

Her.

Then never ••ear me, I'll get off well enough I'll warrant you.

La.

I'll own the whole to him; come we'll contrive it as we go.

Exeunt.

SCENE II.

Enter Lord Arminger and Guardian.

Lo.

Sir Marmaduke, I have something to impart to you; but you being subject to violent passions, I am not willing to communicate such unwelcom news to you.

Sel

My Lord, to shew the dear respect I bear you, passion shall be my slave for once; I'll stop his violent source, and yoke him to humility: therefore let me know the worst of ill my cruel Fate has destin'd.

Lo.

In short your Nieces are fallen desperately ill.

Sel.

Is that all, my Lord? if they be sick we will have a Doctor.

Lo.

Not sick, but worse; a ghastly fear and trembling has possest them, something appears to 'em and frights 'em; for they ran to me and cryed, Save us, Save us; and ask'd me if I saw nothing, and pointed with their Fin∣gers, crying aloud, There they are, There they are: have they ever had such Fits before?

Sel.

Often my Lord, often; ever when they dream of Hopgoblins, the next day they run to me for shelter: dam 'em their base womanish fear will destroy their glorious preferment.

Lo.

Their desperate Fits wou'd make me think 'em guilty of Murder, but for my full persuasion of their sweet and blessed innocence: and what unspeakable comfort it is to be innocent! what say you Sir?

Sel.

Yes, it is a fine childish comfort, for to be innocent is to be ignorant, to be ignorant is to know nothing, and they that know nothing are unwor∣thy to be reckon'd of the race of Man. And that is my opinion of Innocence, my Lord.

Lo.

I am troubled to hear this, it is no religious Answer.

Sel.

It was no religious Question. I wou'd see my Nieces, are they here, my Lord?

Lo.

Yes, they are here, bloudy Villain: I'll fetch those blessed Innocents, which by thy virtuous Daughters were preserv'd.

Ghost above.

Sel.

Ha, ha! what thou art a foolish Scarcrow call'd a Ghost, art thou not?

Lo.

Who is't you speak to? what is't you s••e?

Sel.

Nothing, I speak to nothing, I see nothing, do you my Lord?

Lo.

No, Sir; but such distracted starts as those your Nieces had.

Sel.

Then good my Lord withdraw; in short the Devil and I have con∣ference once a week, and now's the time.

Lo.

I'll fetch your Nieces, their Virtues may fright your Devil ••way.

Exit Lord.

Sel.

Now thou venemous Serpent clad in ghostly white, come down, that I may kill thee over again, and so have thee doubly damn'd

Sea.

Thou canst not Fool hurt me, I am an aiery Spirit.

Sel.

Come down, and I'll knead and mould thy aiery Spirit into substance, that I may tear it into air again: what art thou?

Sea.

A damn'd Soul of thy preferring, dispatch and die; the Devils are stark made in Hell, that thou art so long on Earth; therefore make haste, they want thee.

Sel.

If the Devil wants me, let him if he dares come fetch me; I dare him and his whole Host of Furies, bring Proserpine his Wife; and in spite of all his Guards I'll keep her here on earth, and make Prince Pluto my Cuckold; and what a shame 'twou'd be to Hell to have it said, Miss Proserpine is kept.

Sea.

Cease thy madness, Fool; I am that Seaman who undertook the bloudy Murder of thy Nieces, but was prevented by being all drowned at Sea.

Sel.

Drowned, art thou sure of it?

Sea.

Too sure.

Sel.

Then take notice I am their Heir at Law; come down sweet Ghost, and let me kiss thee; for never did Spirit bring such blessed news.

Bel.

O wicked Uncle repent.

In.

Repent, for thou's my naughty Nuncle.

Sel.

What a Yorkshire Ghost! what Northern Devil is thy Guardian now?

Sea.

Since thou canst not wretched man repent, behold us all in flesh and bloud, and clad in pure innocence.

Sel.

Alive, all alive! O happy hour, O blessed minute! Come, come down, dear Nieces, and behold your poor Uncle rejoycing in his tears, to find you all thus secretly preserved: what Saint was't that saved you?

Bel.

Your virtuous Children, so we come, good Uncle.

In.

Take heed thou dissemble not, good Nuncle.

Exeunt above.

Sel.

My own Daughters betray me! I that thought my subtilty above the reach of Devils, by Children to be deluded! O dam 'em! how like innocent truth their words fell from 'em, and I an infatuated Fool believed!

Enter Lord, Fidelia, Belmaria, Innocentia, Lidia, Seaman.

Lo.

Sir Marmaduke, I take you in my arms, and am o'erjoy'd to see such penitential tears flow from you.

Sel.

O my Lord, I find my Children have made known my wicked pur∣pose, and my shame confounds me so, I dare not look upon your virtuous Figure: O let me see my heavenly Babes.

Ma.

Here dear Father, let us for ever kneel, and for evermore thank Heaven for this your blest conversion.

Fi.

O dear Sir, what comfort 'tis to see you satisfied that these are safe.

Sel.

A blessed comfort indeed, they are Saints, my Lord, too good to dwell on Earth, and therefore shall to Heaven, thus

Stabs Mariana; Lord and Seaman disarm him.

ye Devils!

Lo.

Hold thou cursed Wretch! take his Sword from's side, whilest I disarm him of his Dagger.

Fi.

Run, run for Surgeons; let all the Houshold run.

Lo.

Houshold! imploy the whole World for Surgeons, and let all the business of the Earth stan•• still, till Mariana be recovered.

Ma.

Have mer••y on my distressed Father, my Lord.

Sel.

A curse on thee for a Religious Jilt.

Lo.

What can he now expect but publick justice! for all the Records of Hell cannot produce such wickedness as is in thee: but for Mariana's sake yet repent, and all shall be forgot

Sel.

Repent! Seaman, that Lord's turn'd Fool: did Quality ever trou∣ble it self with repentance before? it lies not in the road of Greatness: Fetch me the Devil, and I'll thank you; I have revengful work for him and his whole Tribe: give me my Sword.

Sea.

You are in no con••ition to be trusted with a Sword, Sir.

Sel.

Lord, of all Mankind trust not that treacherous Slave; he once seem∣ed to me the bravest, and the bloudiest Villain that ever Man or Devil im∣ployed; and the false Dog turn'd tail, prov'd honest, and betray'd me. My Children too prov'd false; who wou'd stay in this wicked world! I and my damn'd Issue will out on't: to see them ••ry in torments, wou'd please me bet∣ter than to be a Monarch.

Lo.

Thou Wretch, think of thy Soul, and then repent.

Sel.

I cannot, revenge allows no time to think of Souls: the Heralds know every thing takes place of Penitence, that comes sneaking behind, and is allow'd no place of Honour; but Vengeance rides i'th' front o'th' battel, and I his right hand man: therefore this Tongue shall never utter any wor••s, but Vengeance, Furies, and Torments; Torments, Furies, and Vengeance: revenge, Devils, revenge.

Exit Seldin.

Lo.

What an Example of Desperation's here! Pray you, Si••, be careful of hi•• till I sen•• Ministers to comfort him. I wonder so wicked a man shou'd have such virtuous children!

Exeunt.

SCENE III.

Enter Judge and Clerk at one door; Bowman, Laton, Buffoon, Squire, at another.

La.

Clerk, take heed, be sure you be true to us.

Clerk.

I'll stick as close to you as your Shirt, Sir.

Her.

Save you, my Lord; I understand one Lovill, a Rogue with one

eye and a wooden leg, has inform'd you that I have with most reproachful and ignominious words bespatter'd your Judgship.

Jud.

Oho! then it seems you are Sir Hercules Buffoon, that have as you call it bespatter'd me: write a Warrant, Clerk, I'll clap you up, and clap an Action of ten thousand pounds upon you for scandal, Sir.

Sq.

That will be a damn'd Clap indeed, Clap him up, and Clap an Acti∣on; this Judge talks of nothing but Claps, I believe he knows Whetstones Pa••k better than I do.

Her.

Clap me up! I scorn your words, my Lord: bring that Villain Lo∣vill to my ••ace, to justifie his words if he dare.

Jud.

I am afraid, Clerk, he dares not come, because of the roguish bar∣gain he put upon me, of two Brace of Deer out of Whetstones Park; it seems a Park of Ba••dy-houses: Rogue! Rogue!

Sq.

My Lord, I'll take that bargain off your hands; I'll give you two Brace of Fallow Deer for your two Brace of Whetstone.

Jud.

Yours is such another Park as Whetstone, I suppose: but for Lovill I'll clap him up in a Jayl, where he shall never come out.

Sq.

Another Clap! this old Fellow has been a Swinger in's days.

Her.

He's a sherking Knave and no Knight, my Lord.

Jud.

How came he to be call'd so then?

Bo.

In the time of the Civil Wars he found friends it seems to get a bla••k Warrant for a Baronet, and not finding a good Customer for it, he sawcily bestow'd the Honour upon himself.

Jud.

He is the first Subject that ever made himself a Knight.

Her.

Not by some few, my Lord: but I am told you threaten to undo me, for which I'll clap an Action of the Cas•• upon you, my Lord.

Sq.

Then there will be Clap for your Clap, and the stone in your foot still, my Lord.

Jud.

If I find this Lovill, I'll purge your ill manners for you.

Her.

The Rogues Oath will not be taken, he has been Knight of the ••ost these twenty years; there came in his Knighthood, 'tis his trade, he has nothing else to live on.

Jud.

Did you ever hear two men rail at one another thus, Sir?

Bo.

I think the like was never known, my Lord.

Jud.

Well, till Lovill be found I'll secure you, Sir.

Her.

I defie both Law and Lawyers, for I have a Protection.

Jud.

A Protection! I believe the Devil voids Protections faster than Children void Worms; let me see it, Sir.

Her.

I have it not yet▪ but if you'll call for a Pen and Ink I'll write my self one presently.

Jud.

This Fellow seems to be some Jester rather than a Knight.

Bo.

He may be a Jester, and yet a Knight too.

Jud.

But hold Clerk, was not this Gentleman here with Sir Thomas Lo∣vill?

Bo.

My Lord, I was not here; I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me, I suppose it might be him.

Jud.

That may be, but I am certain this young Squire was here, and said he was Lovill's Son.

Sq.

My Lord, I was not here; I have a Twin Brother indeed very like me, I suppose it might be him.

Jud.

This Fellow's a Fool, and not a Squire sure.

Sq.

My Lord, a Fool and a Squire are Twin▪ too, you'll scarce know one from the other.

Jud.

Clerk, sure this is Sir Thomas Lovill's Son.

Sq.

I had rather be thought the Son of a Whore: Lovill's a Rogue that deals with Pick-pockets, and can help people to stolen goods again.

Bo.

This is you all this while, Knight.

Jud.

You all deny the truth: Sir Buffoon, you'll deny too that my Ne∣phew cudgell'd you.

Her.

I scorn to be cudgell'd; I confess he caned me indeed, and he kick'd me so, that my Haaches look as black as a Westpha••ia Ham, or the Traytors Quarters upon the City gates.

La.

Upon my word, my Lord, I never caned nor kick'd him; nor did I ever in my life see the man before this day.

Jud.

Did you not beat him then for abusing me so grosly?

La.

No, my Lord.

Jud.

Then give me my Deed again, Sirrah.

La.

No, my Lord.

Jud.

Why did you own, you base Fellow, that you were caned and kick'd?

Her.

Because, my Lord, I take delight in Lying; 'tis my darling virtue, I love it better than you love Whetstone Venison, my Lord.

Jud.

You Rascal, I'll have you ••udgell'd because you scorn it.

Bo.

O my Lord, exercise your patience, and take some other course.

Jud.

Then I suppose that you, Sirrah, hired that Rogue Lovill to tell me stories of your Valour, to wheedle me out of my Estate.

La.

I did so, my Lord.

Jud.

You impudent Fellow, hast thou the Face to justifie it?

La.

Yes, my Lord.

Jud.

And this ridiculous Squire is Lovill that Rascal's Son.

Sq.

Yes, my Lord, and I am this Knights Son too, my Lord.

Jud.

You abominable Fool, how can that be?

Bo.

Because, my Lord, Sir Hercules disguiz'd himself with a black pa••••h and a wooden leg, a purpose to put this trick upon you.

Jud.

Clerk, bear witness, here are two Knights found in one, person, both confessing each other to be notorious Rogues; here's a Pilory in the case, beside•• Whipping in abundance.

Her.

You have done well, ou••s what have you brought me to!

Jud.

The misfortune is, that these two Knights have but one back to bear all the whipping due to 'em both.

Her.

I defie your whipping; pull off my Coat, look you here, Sir; I am

the Court Fool, and here's my Fools Coat to protect me.

Jud.

Death! had ever Lawyer so many tricks put upon him, cheated of my Office, my Estate; and not content with that, but thus grosly to abuse me too?

La.

Your Conscience knows you cozen'd my Father grosly, and I have got it again by a trick, so there's trick for your trick, and the stone in your foot still.

Jud.

I think there's a flaw in the Deed, if there be Villain, I'll make thee the wretch••d'st Begger in the Nation.

Bo.

We have been with Council, and they say it is the firmest Deed that ever yet was drawn; so that you have the credit of being the best Convey∣ancer of all the Town.

Jud.

Then am I the first man that ever was undone by being too good a Lawyer; but I'll find some other way to destroy thee, thou accursed Vil∣lain.

Exeunt Judge and Clerk.

Sq.

As angry as you are, I expect my bargain of Whetstones Park, my Lord.

Her.

Now Boys let's to the Tavern, eat, drink, and rejoyce; for Dagon the Law is beaten down, and shall be no longer worshipped.

Exeunt.

SCENE IV.

Enter Fidelia and Innocentia.

Fi.

How do you, my dear Innocentia? my Soul mourns to hear you say you're sick, Child.

In.

Prethee ••ousin do not call me Child; by my Saul I have Womans thoughts in me, my head akes so it plays Riveskin with me; waes me my Heart greips me too.

Fi.

You mistake, Jewel; 'tis the Belly that gripes, not the Heart.

In.

Nay God waite it's e'en my Heart that is it; I can do nought but think of that pra••ty Lord, Cousin, then my Heart g••i••es me so, that Ise e'en ready to be dead; what means that, hast thou any skill to tell me, Cou∣sin?

Fi.

Alas my dear Cousin, I doubt you are in love.

In.

Now waes me▪ Ise quite undone then; thou knows▪ Cousin, that sweet Honey Lord kiss'd my hand e'en now, and he kiss••d it so prattily, that I have kiss'd it a thousand time, since, because that pratty Lord kiss'd it; and is that love thinkest thou Cou••in?

Fi.

I, and desperate love too; shall I tell him how you love him, Cou∣sin?

In.

I, and e'en Gods B••nnison and mine light on thee for it: but I doubt, Cousin, thou'll speak can word for me, and tw•••• for thy self.

Fi.

O sie Cousin, do not think I am so treacherous.

In.

By my Saul Ise sure I shou'd serve thee sea.

Fi.

Poor sweet Jewel, I pity thee exceedingly.

Enter Lord Arminger.

Lo.

O Fidelia rejoyce, your Sisters wound proves but a scratch; all dan∣ger's past, she's drest and coming forth.

Fi.

I heartily rejoyce: but, my Lord, this sweet Creature is so in love with your Lordship, that if you be not civil to her, I really think 'twill kill her.

Lo.

Heaven forbid, pretty Lady! be assured I pay you my respects with all the love my Honour can give way to.

In.

Let me but once a day look at thy pratty Face, and then kiss my hand for me thou deft pratty Man, and that's all the blessing I desire in the warld.

Enter Mariana.

Lo.

Assure your self of those and thousands more: but behold your sweet Sister, O my dear Mariana, Providence I hope has lent you life, to make mine easie to me.

Ma.

Stop there, my Lord; made not you a Contract with my Father, to marry Belmaria the eldest Heiress?

Lo.

I grant I did so, Madam.

Ma.

And was not I without a Fortune falsly put upon you? did you not court me as Belmaria, and truly love me as Belmaria?

Lo.

Your Fathers Dagger is in every word you've spoke, and has not scratch'd but wounded.

In.

Now waes me, my pratty Lord's in love with thy Sister, Cousin.

Lo.

Mariana, you accuse me as if I had broke my Faith: by Heaven I never yet was false.

Ma.

You will be, if you persist in a love sprung from a false foundation; you made love to an Impostor, a false woman; and now you know the Cheat, are you so weak to think your Honour is engaged to make that Courtship good to that Impostor?

Lo.

An Impostor is the welcom'st blessing upon earth to me, if it appear in your lovely Figure.

In.

Now by my Saul he's more in love with her, than Ise with him, waes me.

Ma.

I believe, my Lord, you truly love me, and that's my onely Curse.

In.

Ten thousand like Curses fall on me, they wou'd be my best Blessings, Cousin.

Ma.

When I consider how falsly, how by a trick you came to love me, I must in honour pronounce my own doom, an•• say I'll never marry.

In.

God in Heaven keep her ever in that mind.

Ma.

The wrong else to Belmaria wou'd look, as if we saved her from one murder, to execute a worse upon her.

Enter Belmaria.

Bel.

Mariana, you nor your Lord have injured; but had your Father prov'd faithful, perhaps I had been your Bride, my Lord.

In.

Waes me, what shall I do, my Sister's in love with him too! wad I had been devour'd with wild B••ars.

Ma.

Had my Father been faithful, Belmaria says you had been hers: mark that, my Lord; can you after this ever make court to me? my Lord, this heart, and every drop of bloud within it, has more love for you than Dido quitted life for; yet all this can I conque•• to be just, therefore must not in point of Honour marry. What strong Arguments I use to destroy my self!

Fi.

I thank Fate I am not in Love's Lime twigs, for here's the Devil and all to do: In point of ••onour fo••sooth one will not marry, and the other will not marry; so that I find the Punctilio's of Honour will destroy Gene••ation, and is't not pit•• such a Lord shou'd die, without leaving some of his Brood behind him▪ Cousin?

In.

I God he knows is it.

Lo.

I know she loves me, I'll try her with a small design: Mariana, I find your resoluti••n fixt, and no persuasion can make you mine; therefore I will take your advice, and apply my self to fair Belmaria: so your Servant, Ma∣dam; sweet Belmaria, now I address to you.

Ma

Hold, hold, I ••ie I die.

They run to her.

Lo

Say you'll be my Wi••e, and th••n I'll quit Belmaria.

Ma.

Any thing rather than see that cruel sight again.

Fi.

Marry her presently, my Lord, lest Honour get the upper hand again

In.

Help, help, my heart is broken quite in two.

Falls down.

Fi.

Alas my sweet Cousin! Do you take her up, my Lord, and she'll do well again

Lo.

How do you do, dear Innocentia?

In.

Is it the pratty Lord that comes to help me? then I is varra well again.

Ma.

Then we are happy, my Lord, and I am wholly yours: but how does my Father all this while?

Lo.

He desires to go into the Country with two Ministers, who gave me great assurance of his conversion. We will marry then with all convenient speed.

Bel.

I hope, my Lord, you'll be our Guardian, and let us live together, and we are satisfied.

In.

And good Honey Lord, let us never part whilest we have one hour to live.

Lo.

By my life we wou'd not quit you for all the world's wealth; and I'll make it my whole business to match you to Honourable Fortunes.

Enter Alderman, Squire, Bowman, Laton, and Aimwell.

Ald.

With your leave, my Lord Arminger; we hear Sir Marmaduke Sel∣din is distracted and dying, and that your Lordship is made Guardian to the two Heiresses.

Lo.

The Ladies are pleased to think me worthy of that Trust, and I have undertaken it.

Ald.

The Northern Lady is to marry my Nephew, my Lord: to that end, Sir Marmaduke caus'd me to settle my Estate intirely upon her; the Match is gone so far, my Lord.

Sq.

Nay 'tis gone further with us young Folks, for we have play'd at Clapperdeponch together; therefore 'tis too late to break off the Match.

In.

By my Saul I never play'd at Clapperdepouch with thee: did my Nuncle mean to wad me to sike ana Fool as thee!

Sq.

Why this is not my Clapperdepouch Uncle.

Fi.

Why no, I is thy Clapperdepouch Honey.

Sq.

What the Devil is there two Clapperdepouches! I am sure one must be false.

In.

Ise sure Ise the right Northern Heiress.

Sq.

Then thou art the false one, Honey: I have heard of False Dice, and False Nine-pins; but to have a False Clapperdepouch put upon a man, is more than ever I heard of.

Ald.

My Lord, I will not stand to this bargain, for my Estate is settled upon the Northern Heiress.

Lo.

No, Sir, I have read the Deed, and it is settled upon Fidelia Seldin.

Ald.

Then I am cozen'd, my Lord, and abused.

Lo.

Not so, Sir, 'twas your own voluntary Act: besides, I have married her Sister, and I hope you'll think it no disparagement for me to call you Uncle, and you me Nephew; and to have your Kinsman call me Bro∣ther.

Ald.

My Lord, I shall take it for the greatest honour in the world.

Sq.

A much greater honour than our Alliance with King Pippin; and so I receive Fidelia Seldin for my Wife.

Ald.

And I receive you, my Lord, as my Nephew, and your Lady as my Niece.

Enter Sir Hercules Buffoon and Overwise.

Her.

And I receive you as my Son and Daughter: by this Match you honour us, as you are a Noble Lord; and we honour you, by making you a Kinsman to King Pippin.

Over.

My Earl of Honour, I have one Project, the which if your Lordship will counte••ance—

Lo.

You know I was always your Friend, and ever will be.

Over.

Then my Earl you must know, my Ancestor was the first Inventor of Short Hand, and you see of what use it is to the world; but at first it was extremely laugh'd at, as no doubt my Project will be.

Bo.

There is no question of it in the least.

Lo.

Pray you let me hear your Project as briefly as you can.

Over.

Briefly! I find I am troublesom, I humbly refuse then, my Lord.

Aim.

I wou'd not give a Doit to hear it.

Over.

My Lord, I humbly grieve that I have rudely refused: my Project is this.

Lo.

I will not hear it now, Sir.

Over.

Then I pity you, my Lord— Young Man, thou shalt hear it.

Sq.

By my faith but I will not.

Over.

Now, Sir, it is my opinion, that you sprung not from the Loyns of King Pippin.

Her.

Sir, do you affront the Family of the Buffoons?

Sq.

I'll affront your Coxcomb with Mahomets own Semitor, that cut off Orene's head.

Over.

My Lord, upon my Honor that very Semitor hangs up now in Gresham College.

Lo.

Now, Sir, I'll hear your Project, for your Semitors sake at Gresham College.

Over.

My Lord, you know all the World now writes Short Hand, and my Project is that, which I am I confess really fond of.

Bo.

That's more than any man else will be, I doubt: well, what is it?

Over.

Sir, I communicate onely to my Lord: Ladies, you may hear if you please: my Project is, Ladies; well, I value my self extremely up∣on it.

In.

Marra the Devil hama, gin this be not a worse Fool than thy Clap∣perdepouch Cousin.

Over.

Well in short, as all the World writes Short Hand, so I wou'd teach all the World to speak Short Hand, and by an Act of Parliament have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue.

La.

Speak Short Hand, and have it call'd the Short Hand Tongue! Iack Adams for that; ha, ha, ha.

Omnes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Over.

Did not I before hand tell your Lordship I shou'd be laugh'd at?

Lo.

You did so indeed most Prophetically.

Over.

Nevertheless, my Lord, I shall proceed; for I have really compu∣ted, that a long-winded Minister shall p••each a Sermon in the Short Hand Tongue, in as little time as a Horse shall run a Four miles course, and that is exactly seven minutes, Madam.

Omnes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Bo.

Why do you laugh, Gentlemen? I think 'twou'd be great Service to the Nation, to have a Sermon preach'd in seven minutes.

Aim.

Then Sermons wou'd not be tedeous, nor people wou'd not sleep at Church.

Her.

Nor wou'd they have time to make love there, as I have done often.

Sq.

Nor wou'd Sunday Pies be burnt in the Oven, nor Meat over roasted, nor would Farmers have time to make Bargains at Church.

Over.

Right, Sir: I will undertake to make the Merchants of the Change▪ and Lawyers at the Bar, plead all their business in the Short Hand Tongue; nay, and the Judges shall give Sentence in the Short Hand Tongue.

Sq.

And men shall be hang'd in Short Hand Ropes, and then they will feel ••o pain.

Over.

Right; an•• what ease wou'd it be to the World, to have all the whole business of a day done in seven minutes!

Sq.

Then shou'd we have all the rest of the day to be drunk in.

La.

I believe thou speakst Short Hand already, Squire; for always when thou'rt d••unk, thou putst twelve words into one.

Sq.

That is not Short Hand, 'tis call'd Clipping the Kings English. I hope Sir, you'll teach Women to scold in Short Hand Tongue, and that wou'd be great Service to the Nation.

Bo.

Good my Lord, let us laugh this insufferable Short Hand Fool quite out of the Land.

Omnes.

The Short Hand Tongue! ha, ha, ha, away Fool away.

Over.

I'll make you all Fools with one Philosophical Question, Tell me whether at the great or the small end of a Spiders Egg does Nature make Production?

La.

Thou art the Product of an Ass I'm sure.

Sq.

Pray you Sir, let me ask you one question, Is your name Overwise or Otherwise?

Over.

It is not proper for me to say, I'll quarrel with you; but, Sir, I'll make a Cess••tion of Friendship with you, and so draw upon you.

Bo.

Hold, hold; put up, put up; away Short Hand Ass.

Over.

Well I pity all Fools, from the Gentleman to the Lord and Lady Fools, and so I take my leave.

Exit Overwise.

Sq.

I hope you'll take your leave in the Short Hand Tongue.

Aim.

My Lord, we hope you will befriend us so far, as to admit us Suit∣ors to these Heiresses.

Lo.

Gentlemen, were I not concern'd, I wou'd serve you frankly; but being their Guardian, were you my Brothers I wou'd not betray my Trust; but will match them to men of such Honour and Wealth, as shall deserve their Fortunes: and this Resolution you cannot take unkindly.

La.

No my good Lord, your answer has fully satisfied us.

Bel.

What a Noble Lord is this, Cousin?

Ma.

Come pretty Cousin, I'll give you half I have now; nay, I'll give you half my Husband.

In.

Thank you Honey Cousin, but Iste be a little Whore then, shall I not?

Ma.

No sweet Cousin, I'll have a care of that.

Fi.

My Lord, we must see honest Captain Hammock here and his Miss well rewarded, and all's done.

Lo.

And it shall be done to their Satisfaction.