Proteus redivivus, or, The art of wheedling or insinuation obtain'd by general conversation and extracted from the several humours, inclinations, and passions of both sexes, respecting their several ages, and suiting each profession or occupation / collected and methodized by the author of the first part of the English rogue.

CHAP. VII. Phanatick Wheedles of a Self-Edifying Non Conformist.

THe word Non-Conformist includes all Sepa∣ratists from the Church of England, and therefore I have made use of it to the end I may not tire the Reader with a character of the division of their Sects, and the several Fryes that are con∣tained under them, and seeing the distinctions would be infinite, I shall not confound him with sub-divisions and new names: for every Sect takes up a new Name with the old Villanies, they change the name but retain the Sin: he that can perswade the People that from an old Sin∣ner he is become a New man, may under that disguise cheat with greater liberty, and by the Saints Practice prove, It is lawful for the Saints to cheat the Wicked.

You may know this sort of Cattle by these Marks: their words and their works do seldom agree; they are infinitely conceited and opinio∣nated of their own perfections and condemn all others. A Lye in their own or a Brothers mouth is truer than truth it self in another mans.

They suspect and conclude all men to be wicked but themselves.

They begin all their mischiefs in the name of the Lord, and what is unjust in another mans case, is most just in theirs. They will believe none but the confiding men of their own party. In a word the world is their Stage, and they act the Devils part thereon in the shape of an Angel of Light, a part that has been acting ever since the world began, and will not be finished un∣til the worlds end. They are a People generally subtle, Frugal, and wary in their dealing, by which, and their large pretensions to a punctual honesty, they have engrossed a great part of the Nations Trade; and since that equivocation is as common to them as Oaths and Curses to a Losing Gamester, he that deals with them has need of more eyes then Poets bestow on Argus, for they out-wit a Genoes for subtlety, and an Amsterdam Few may serve as their Apprentice, and by their crasty trading can teach him how to make his best advantage: for, Self is the Cen∣ter whereunto the lines of all their actions tend, and like an Hedg-Hog, wrapt up in his own warm Down, turns out bristles to all the world besides. They would not appear in a plain ha∣bit but to gain thereby, and therefore it was well observed by the Ingenious Satyrist against Hypocrites,

Meekness they preach, yet study to controul. Money they'd have when they cry out, Poor Soul; And angry, will not have, Our Father said, Cause it prays not enough for Daily bread.A

Their Conventicles are but a holy cheat at best, where Extempore effusions, Sanctified Non-sense, and ridiculous Fopperies flow as in∣sensibly as excrements from desperately sickPer∣sons, and if any accuse them for their poor, flat, jejune, impertinent, seditious and Blasphemous expressions, he is reviled by them for abasing by Nick-names those pretious Soul-piercing, yea Soul-saving, heart-breaking, Sin-destroying, yea Faith-comforting truths: calling them Boa∣nergeses, Sons of Thunder, and so they are in some sense Sons of Thunder, for, instead of Soul-saving truths, they thunder out Soul-de∣stroying, State-desturbing, King-reproaching doctrine: this they thunder out so powerfully, that the Sisters, those Weaker Vessels cannot chuse but fall before them, and prostrating them∣selves, petition the ablest Members to stand to them, professing their readiness at all times, e∣specially in these days of more Light, or rather more light days, to lay down themselves with their whole substance, and though they may fall back a little, yet not totally fall away.

These are a parcel of Fellows who beat more on the Cushion than the Text and make the Pul∣pit groan more than the Hearers; thus other∣wise exprest,

Sans Compliment the pretious man begins, The suff'ring Pulpit groans for Israels Sins, Sins which in number many though they be, And crying ones, are yet less Loud than He: Half melted, but more out of breath He cryes, Not knowing what to say, He wipes his eyes; And then at last that he may raise new fears, And make his Gang shake their mysterious ears, All is not well he doubts—

He is much admired and beloved too for having the Art of Memory to retain Non-sense; he speaks all by heart, never looking into his Book; indeed 'tis no wonder, for it was a thing he never was accustomed to use. He will hard∣ly condescend (for fear of spoiling his reputati∣on) to open his Bible when he names the Text; and if he does 'tis,

—As you'l find it writ, Repeats his Text, and takes his leave of it, And streight to's Sermon in such furious wise, As made it what 'twas call'd an Exercise.

It is impossible for him to make a Preach∣ment, but that he must rail against the Pope, calling him by an hundred more beastly names than the Grand Seignor hath titles, hating no Whore worse than her of Babylon; in the interim a prick ear'd Brother is indeavouring to gratify the Old man with a kind green Apron whom he hath in view, and the bawling Imper∣tinence being finisht, he singles her out, and by a Lecherous touch of the hand, under the pretence of a purer salutation, he finds by her rampant pulse and tempting turning up of the Whites that her desires are at flood, and so they retire together for mutual edification.

The Speaker having raved two hours like Mahomet in his falling fits, or the Devils Priests at Delphos (who never deliver'd their lying Ora∣cles but with extravagant gestures and strange destortions of body) he then consults his carnal interest too, and will not privately in the com∣pany of friends refuse the refreshing Bottle, pro∣vided it be not known in Gath, nor published among the wicked of A••kalon, for he confesseth the use of the creature (especially when it comes on free cost) to be exceeding lawful.

There is a certain fellow call'd a Wet-Quaker, & rightly so nam'd, for I have seen him drink his liquor like a Fish, and after the same fashion without passing the cup about; this man dares

drink in publick, whereas his preciser Brethren do it only in private, and there is none of them all, of what Sect soever, who desire not to fare deliciously and with plenty.

On Geese and Capons with what Zeal they feed, And wondring cry, a goodly Bird indeed.

Their speech & habits they cannot indure should be like their Neighbours, and are very curious to be in all things contrary to the common mode, that they may be taken notice of for singular men, (only private venery and luxury excepted) and are so stuft with contradiction, that they will do nothing commanded by Authority; so that the only way to have them do any thing is to forbid them the doing of it on pain of death. Having screw'd his face into a religious form and tun'd his voice to a puling sanctimonious Key, he uses it as a Low-Bell to catch Larks, or rather such Owls as will be bubbled out of their money, meerly on the repute of his conscientious deal∣ing; though by Yea and Nay he will cheat worse than a Long-Lane Broaker; for the pretence of dealing at a word is the Hook by which he draws in his Customers, and that which engages them to come again to be cheated is, I tell thee plainly friend, and to let the world know his punctuality to his word, if his Customer tells him he will

not give him so much yet returns and offers him his price he sends him away without the com∣modity, yet with a reproof, saying, friend, I will not be guilty of thy lye, yet values not his own; for though he will not swear, because it is unprofitable, yet lyes in many cases he holds venial, and in two meritorious, either when they make for the interest of the beloved seed, or re∣flect scandal on the Government.

Now since lying is so generally used and practised among this sort of People, give me leave to hold forth a little, and show you what pleasure and profit they make of Lying.

Lying in general as it is nakedly, and abstract∣ly considered, first implyes rest, for by this means we enjoy rest, that which all things even to the lowest inanimates tend unto with a strong propension.

Secondly, Lying implyes health, that is to say in women, according to the French Proverb, La femme est bien malade quand' elle nese peut tenir sur le dos.

Thirdly, Lying implyes pleasure that is, quand' l'homme Couche avec la femme: but these are not the lyings I intend to insist upon, there are three other sorts of lying which shall be my present subject, and they are the officious, Jocose, and Pernicious lying,

First, an officious lying, and that is when a

man lies with his own wife, but this is a thing out of fashion now adays, and therefore I'le but lightly touch upon it.

Every man that would be accounted honest, ought to lye with his wife ex Officio, but this Age it seems is generally grown wiser, and will not tye themselves to duty in this kind; There∣fore the Italians say, Glihuomini da bene si mari∣tano Glisavii no; honest men marry, but wise men tarry.

But there is another sort of Officious lying, hurtful to none, but profitable to most men, and may be lawfully used sometimes; as thus, if a General of an Army should see a kind of despon∣dency in his Soldiers, and he encourage them by telling there are auxiliary forces coming to their succour though it be false, yet it may be di∣spensed with: Plato allowed a Lye lawful, ei∣ther to save a Citizen, or deceive an Enemy; this kind of Lying Abraham used with Pharaoh, and Abimeleck, and his Servants, and the Hebrew Midwives in Aegypt.

This is of such universal use, that there is no living for Trades-men without it, and it passes as a secret Maxim not to be denied among the Self-edifying Brethren; No Lying, no Living: There are no wares scarce vended without it, either at home or abroad; they think they can gain no Custom, without this custom of Lying:

oh saith one, it cost me more, when you have bid money for a Commodity; this is commonly practised in the Exchange, where scarce any thing is sold without the exchange of a Lye; and if you should seem to suspect the truth of what they say, the woman will be apt to fall on you Tooth and Nail, and you shall be pelted with the Hailstones of opprobrious words, which will fall thick about your ears like Fish∣women, who rail at their Customers for bid∣ing one third less than they demand, yet in that scolding raving fit take it.

In all Ages people have been so vicious, as to swallow a Lye glibly, if benefit accrues there∣by; when Livia the wife of Augustus the Em∣perour promised Numerius Attieus five and twenty thousand Crowns if he would swear that he saw Augustus Caesar after his death ascend into Heaven, think you he was so great a Fool, nay Sot, to refuse so tall a Sum for an Oaths sake, no, no, Quis potest tot armatis resistere. Nay the very Brother-hood (as I have hinted before) will make no bones of being head of a Faction, nor will they Scruple to have for benefit a hand in Faction.

There is lying too for credit, as well as profit, but such a one as tells a Lye to save his Credit, wipes his Nose on his sleeve to save his Handker∣chief. I shall say no more of this first head of

Officious Lying; the next is jocose Lying; but since it is not much to our purpose, I shall skip it over, and come to the third; and that is pernicious Lying, and this is twofold; one is when a man Lyes, and hath neither pleasure nor profit by his Lying; he that is guilty here∣of deserves to be severely censured: the second is when one hath a little pleasure at first, and hath dolour afterwards; now this is such a Lying that is destructive and hurtful to both parties; for Example, when a man Lyes in the Torrid Zone of a Betty Br—— or a Moll Sn—- &c. or some other prostituted vitiated she-bed-fellow, and gets such an heat that he can never claw off again; this sort of Lying you see is very dangerous, and healths destroyer, according to the Italian Proverb Quello che hâ un piè in Bordello hà l'altro nello Spedale: he who hath the one Foot in a Bawdy-house, hath the other in an Hospital. Those Persons that do so freely indulge themselves in such wild ran∣ges, little consider how much their desultory promiscuous conjunctions do disturb the mind, and render it unfit to undertake serious matters; they are so much for Generation work, that at the last they wholly incapacitate themselves for the serving of their Generations; besides the many mischiefs the body receives by those fatal venerable encounters, which are often times

the productives of Misery and infamy, which they intail to their posterity; for though their stolen waters seem at first to be sweet, and you shall have some Gallants in the apprehension thereof risque Fortune, honour, nay, life it self, and all to enjoy a Miss, yet they will prove wa∣ters of Marah bitter in the end.

To winde up all, I shall declare in the last place, that Lying is very edifying, it tends much to e∣dification, for by that means the Sisters being wrought upon, will greatly encrease and multi∣ply, and they being extraordinary plumpt up before, it is a pregnant argument of their thri∣ving condition; now you must know, they edify not alike under all Teachers, those that they most edify by, are a certain confident sort of declamers, who mount the Pulpit as Mounte∣banks do the Stage, with equal impudence and ignorance, they vent the foolish and ridiculous whimsies of their distemper'd brain, for pro∣found and solid Divinity; they admire these most, and account them the ablest men, especi∣ally that are of long standing, not caring how short they are of understanding: much more might be said, but let this suffice for this time.

There are another sort of Godly Wheedles, who labour wonderfully till they sweat again in their Weekly exercises, where a Fleet of Coa∣ches arive laden with sanctified Silk, and other

rich Commodities to truck for Wind, as Mar∣riners at Lapland do with Witches.

These babbling Pains-takers are those Medu∣sas heads environ'd with Snakes, whose Car∣kasses are cram'd with venom, and yet have such lovely flattering outsides as would deceive Eve again if she liv'd in Paradise, and do beguile her progenie to this day, whose Groans and Whinings haue deluded more than Mahomet and his Pidgeon: and with their labouring hands they have so moulded that silly Sex, called women, that they will receive no other form but that of Non-Conformity. They have heard their Teachers talk so often of the Rag of Rome, that they think Popery a very sluttish Religion, and rail at the Whore of Babylon for a very naugh∣ty Woman. They look upon it as a damnable Sin (if in health) not to be present at Week∣dayes Exercise, and esteem them above Sun∣days, because devotion being customary, theirs is lost in the Multitude, and cannot be observed.

At one of these meetings, how doth the pre∣tious Man melt the strong and stony hearts of the Sister-hood. Into how many forms doth he distort his Face to insinuate into the Auditory; he sometimes shuts his eys so close as if he were asham'd of himself, place and company, and then suddainly blasts them up, as if he intended to caper through the Roof to be rid of them.

What an heart-converting sight is he in a Conventicle, when he heth exalted himself and is doing Penance in the surface of a white Cap environ'd with a long Mourning Cloak, which helps instead of an Hum or Ha to spend time by pulling it forwards, first on one should∣er, than on the other, whilst the unwilling mat∣ter which sticks below is pull'd up and brought to utterance, and then 'tis hard if any escape con∣version, I mean of being converted to his use; by his divine Rhetorick he conquers the men, and consequently must overcome the women, and though his pretences are Piety, for the most part, you shall find his designs are nothing else but honour and profit; he indeavors to be admi∣red and esteemed by the Brethren as a pretious Heavenly-minded man, whilst in the mean time he aims at nothing more than self-interest: thus elegantly exprest by a late Satyrist.

Two Caps he had, and turns up that within; You'd think he were a Black-Jack tipt with Tinn, Now when he did relate, how little wit The Foolish Virgins had, then they do sit Weeping with watry eyes, and making vows One to have Preachers always in her house, To dine 'em well, and break-fast 'em with Gellies, And Candles hot to warm their wambling Bellies; And if the Cash (where she could not unlock it) Were close secur'd, to pick her Husbands pocket.

And as by all outward demonstrations of san∣ctity he indeavours to make himself famous a∣mong such as are of his Congregation, so by his Example he teacheth them to gain a reputa∣tion one amongst the other by the same way of pretended Piety, and that they may the more infallibly effect their design, they seldom pray but it shall be next the street, and at such times as the noise in the street shall not be so loud as their voices; and after evening Sermon it will not be amiss for him to sing a Psalm, it will add very much to his credit, and the continual pra∣ctice of it, for ought I know, may keep him from being Shipwrackt in the turbulent Ocean of his greatest misfortunes.

Here I might expose our Wheedling Saint to shame enough by discovering his nakedness, and pulling off that Vizard-Mask with which he doth deceive the World: but when I consider that it is impossible to enumerate half his cheats, and they are so frequently practised that every one meets with them, I purposely forbear any particular account, referring you not only to the History of the late times, wherein they swarm, but likewise to your own experience.

To conclude, instead of a Catalogue I present you with a Chariot, which, like Phaeton's, sets the world on fire. This Chariot is the Self-edi∣fying Phanaticks cheat I now speak of; the Wheels

are the Ignorance of the People, and the Admi∣ration they have of him; the Horses that draw this Chariot are his Pride and Covetousness; the Self-edifyer is the Driver, and a Conventicle is his Whip. The Chariot hath almost a Stage in every Town of all Countries, and travels up and down the World being carried to every thing by the Horses Pride and Covetousness.

The first Wheel is Ignorance, and this is a good Wheel, on this the Chariot runs swiftly; where the People are learned the Chariot moves slowly; Letters are like Clogs, and good Rudiments are such a But then it cannot stir; where men are well educated in the principles of Religion this Chariot can hardly pass, but amongst the Ignorant it runs post.

The Second Wheel is Admiration, which is as good as the other; for when he has once insinua∣ted himself into them, so that they have a good opinion of him and admire him, then the Chariot gets ground and flies merrily, then all he says is Gospel, nay more authentick than the Gospel it self, and having thus gotten possession of their hearts, he can seize when he pleases any part or parcel of their estates; and their whole fami∣lies are at his devotion.

Of the Horses, Pride or Covetousness, I cannot tell which excels. Pride has most Mettle, but Covetousness is the surest Drawer. To be ap∣plauded

for Excellent parts, for a Singular man, for a Gifted man, for a Leading man, to be cal∣led Rabbi, to be esteemed a sure Guide of Souls, a true setter of Conscience, to be wiser than those that follow him; to have liberty to speak what he pleases, and that more to the Nodification than Edification of the Beholders, these prehe∣minences puff up, and make him presume to take the wall of his Betters, and sp ak imperi∣ously to his superiours. A little Pride many times induces a great Cheat, yet this Horse is often jaded; for although our seeming Saints ambition makes him aspire above Heaven itself, yet frequently I have known, when Covetuousness draws one way and Pride another, Covetuous∣ness has got the better, and went away with the Chariot. To be Head of an Assembly, Sole Teach∣er and Instructer is very acceptable; but a good Living, a Fat Benefice hath made our Saint leave them all, and be subordinate to legal Au∣thority; it is but Preaching a Recantation Ser∣mon at most, and if the great government should change (as God forbid it should) it is but face about again.

Thus have I known Mechanicks lay aside their Trade being lazie or not able to live upon it, and first turn seekers, and from thence travel through as many Various strange opinions as there are in Ross's Pansebeia, at length, having

gotten by religious prating enough to subsist upon, have turn'd tail to all and having tryed all Religions have in the end acknowledg'd none: This again according to the Saiyrist.

Every Mechanick, either wanting stock Or wit to keep his Trade, must have a Flock; The Spirit crys he moveth me unto it, And what the Spirit bids, must not I do it? But profiting more than his Flock by teaching, And stept into Authority by Preaching, For Lay-office leaves the Spirits motion, And streight retreateth from his first devotion.

But to return where I left off, which was the Second Horse in this Chariot, Covetuousness; this is it which makes him prey upon the Bre∣thren themselves, he has warmed their Zeal so hot by pressing the Duty upon them of raising Money to build a Conventicle, they have con∣tributed one would think enough to build one, but that is not sufficient had it been twice as much, but more being rais'd, the foundation is laid and the structure is rais'd but cannot be fi∣nish'd without a third contribution, which is prest, after the Sermon is ended, in this or the like manner. Beloved, you are not insensible of the pains I have taken to raise an house for the Lord for his glory and our mutual comfort,

yet all my indeavours will become as nothing∣ness, I shall sink under the burthen if you lend me not once more your assisting hands. Belo∣ved, in a Word, do as a Widow did in this pre∣sent Congregation; when she heard that the work of the Lord was began, though a poor Cinder wo∣man, she brought me five shillings, professing she had but two groats left to buy her and her chil∣dren food till she had wrought for more, and I took it kindly from her; when she saw this good work so nearly finisht as you now see it, she then brought me ten shillings, which she said was all she had, and I took it from her; Beloved, rather than the work of the Lord should not go on but stand still as the Sun did in Joshuas time, be as this poor Widow, bring again and again, and think not much to lay out all for Christ, &c. This Conventicling house in now finisht, which at a di∣stance appear'd to me to be some Noblemans house newly built for the benefit of the air, but when I was told it was a new erected Conven∣ticle, it impudently stood so near an orthodox Church, that I thought this fanatical Cathedral had robb'd Stepney of her Steeple.

Another had money sufficient given him to build a Conventicle, and when it was built he made use of the House for himself, and turn'd the Brethren out, telling them the House was not so convenient as he thought it would have been,

and that he knew of another place much fitter for the purpose, and wrought upon them so that they made a new collection and built another House: and thus this Self-edifier hath serv'd then so three or four times, converting their Con∣venticles into dwelling Houses.

Ah, This Horse, Covetousness, is an unruly Beast, he draws our Saint to all manner of Vices, to Lying, Hypocrisy, knavery in dealing, nay even to the sins of the flesh; many yea many a time hath he drawn our Saint to his Neighbours wife, and there so kicked and frisked that he hath thrown him upon her; ah! threw him even upon her.

This Horse is so ungovern'd that no man can live in quiet near this Saint, he breaks down his Neighbours fences, eats up his grass and his corn, and is so often taken dammage fesant, that was he not a serviceable Horse, and very profi∣table to this Saint, he would not keep him.

One faculty this Horse has which makes his Master highly prize him, he is an excellent Stretcher of Conscience, take him in a morning when he is fresh, and put him to the Self-edifying Saints Conscience, he will draw it so wide that 'twill swallow any thing. In the next place we come to the Whip, which is no common whip, but a whip of many Cords most suitable to his designs, and that's a Conventicle, and in which

are many rich men, and they serve as so many Cords for the Horse, Covetousness; in it are many Admirers of this Pseudo-hagist, and they serve as so many Lashes for the other Horse, Pride. These motives are the Spurs that prick on the Palfreys which hurry away the Chariot.

He is never so rampant as at a Conventicle; here his Pride snorts and prances, spurns against Government, condemning and contemning all that are not of his way, and scornsully pitting all those poor lost Creatures that gainsay a Meet∣ing-House. Ah poor Souls! they live in sin, they are stupified, and have no sense of the joy and Refreshments that we have at our Meetings, &c.

In the mean time Covetuousness claps his Tail betwixt his Legs, lays his ears close to his head and leers at the rich and wealthy Brethren. He pulls the Chariot hard towards the Sisters Silver and Gold Bodkins, and with such Concupiscence, that sometimes he gets Bodkin Sister and all.

It is fit I should now inform you how he handles his Whip, and the place where Policy hath taught him to put the Whip: That Ale∣house, that Inn, that Tavern is best scituated, and most dexterously contrived that hath a tho∣rough-fair (as 'tis called) in it, for by that con∣venience custom is gain'd; so our Saint that hath all the Tricks of a Tavern or Tipling-house,

hath likewise this, and places his Conventicle where there may be a Common way or passage through it, in hopes thereby to catch some silly Gudgeon or other that comes near his Net; so Mountebanks gain Company: and he well knows that many persons fall into the loose sport of Pidgeon-holes meerly upon the occasion of passing by them.

In a word his whole life is nothing but an holy Wheedle, he prays with men at home one day to beg or borrow the next; he preaches himself into a sweat till he stink again in the Conven∣ticle, that concluding his Sermon with a prayer for the people, he may then use that opportunity to pray them to consider his necessities, and having reminded them of their former liberal contributions he then reproves them for slackning their hands. Ah! says be, are not these sad times? Is not this a sad Age? When the Saints and Children of God are so slow to good works. Mistake me not, the sadness doth not arise from my want of that abundance of money your libe∣ral contributions used to suply me with, but from this that your defect herein is a sign you are fal∣len from Grace, 'tis a sign your Zeal is not so warm as it has been, 'tis a sign the Doctrine we preach has not such an influence upon you as it ought, 'tis a sign of a dissolution, and that the World will be at an end.