The English rogue described, in the life of Meriton Latroon, a witty extravagant Being a compleat discovery of the most eminent cheats of both sexes. Licensed, January 5. 1666.

CHAP. XXVI.

He falling accidentally into a strange house, endea∣vours to build a Sconce, but is frustrated of his in∣tent. The old Hostess pities him at first, and re∣lieves him, and continually after feeds him for her own peculiar Diet; further insisting on the mifery he then endured.

I Was by this time grown so feeble by fasting, or by the manner of my feeding, which was either Cheese or hard Eggs, (there being great plenty) that I could hardly go; and so light I was by con∣tinual smoking, that I questioned often whether I was not a meer fume my self; fearing still when I walkt abroad, to be extracted by the Sun for an exhalation. Fortune so favour'd me one day, that I found a Groat, which put me into an extasie of joy. I know not what Magical power there was in that vast sum of four pence, for in an instant, not knowing by what means, I found my self in a Vi∣ctualling-house, so speedy was my conveyance, as if I had been riding some Daemon through the air. I call'd for some meat, but my voice sounded so hollow, as if I had spoken in a vault. Some said, it was the Eccho of some person speaking in the next house: others of the wiser sort believed me to be some Spectrum, or Apparition; and that the Devil had assum'd a body speaking in that mortuum cada∣ver.

The truth of it is, 'twas something hard to determine, whether I spake or no, but that they might perceive my lips to open. There was a Physician in the house at that time, who looking on me narrowly, openly proclaim'd that I was the workmanship of some Mortal, who having first gotten the Skeleton, or bones of a Man, had arti∣ficially skin'd them over, and that German Clock∣work caus'd my motion. I would have laught heartily at their ridiculous apprehensions, but that I had forgot how. I had some Gall left in me still, which made me start up in as great a rage as my feeble body was able to declare, intending to demonstrate to them how grosly they were mista∣ken; but perceiving me to approach, they all fled but Mr. Doctor, whom shame retain'd, otherwise by a fit of an Ague (which just then possest him) I knew he would willingly have been gone too. Speak (said he tremblingly) what art? I was some∣what puzled at his question, for I knew not well what I was: I am a living man, said I. Why then thou wouldst have flesh, said he. After several dis∣courses to this purpose, I at length made him partly believe that I was no such thing he ima∣gined. And yet he would be asking me still a ma∣ny impertinent questions, as whether I could fee; and his reason was, because he could discern no eyes. Whether I was born without eyes, or lost them since accidentally, &c. I was forced to tell him at last that it was the Country disease that had reduced me to this condition. Hearing me say so, he pitied me much, and told me he would fetch instantly something that should do me much good. I thankt him, and away went Mr. Doctor.

The good Woman over-hearing our discourse drew neer then confidently, and demanded what I would have? I told her, any thing which was eatable, as far as a groat would go. She brought me some hot Meat, and setting it before me, went for some drink, but before she could return I had swallowed it all: she fetcht me more, which went the same way with as much celerity. But like Quick-silver it wrought quite through me, not staying a quarter of an hour.

The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of pa∣per; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dan∣gerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I dis∣charged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Land∣lady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I should now have dyed with laughter at her strange pro∣position; but the woman star'd upon me, not knowing whether I grin'd or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals,

some body else shall. I offer'd her my Groat, which she refus'd, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had a∣bout me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.

But she for her part thought it was unjust, To listen to the arguments of trust.

And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while: then assoon as she had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I need∣ed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I ex∣prest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus'd instantly a bed to be warm'd, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew'd a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aim'd at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was ma∣king, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gen∣tlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I

acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I re∣quire (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with Venus, though in Conjunction with this Succubus. We us'd not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers, that are always saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the conveni∣ence of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that Flora was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful Phoebus had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the say∣ing I loved her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum consi∣derable, why then a quarter of an hours dis∣course in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us'd that I so suddenly wound my self out of that La∣byrinth of all sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my for∣mer condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of prag∣matick

persons. In short, I was now very well apparell'd, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whor•…•… too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem'd it impossibly unalterable by any de∣cree of fate.