The canting academy, or, The devils cabinet opened wherein is shewn the mysterious and villanous practices of that wicked crew, commonly known by the names of hectors, trapanners, gilts, &c. : to which is added a compleat canting-dictionary, both of old words, and such as are now most in use : with several new catches and songs, compos'd by the choisest wits of the age ...

MISCELANIES, and other JOVIAL PARADOXES: Or, the Canters-Academy OF COMPLEMENTS.

QUestion. What is an idle Ju∣stice of Peace like?

Answer. The Picture of St. George on the Sign-Post with the Sword in his hand drawn to no purpose.

Q. How may a Fool resem∣ble a wise Man?

A. By concealing of his folly with silence; for he cannot speak, that knows not wisely and seaso∣nably how to hold his tongue: the common say∣ing is, Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur; which may be turned clean contrary, to, Vir loquitur; qui pauca sapit.

Q. What's he that hath a fine wit in jest?

A. He that is a Fool in earnest.

Q. How comes it to pass that tall men for the most part are not wise?

A. For that the length of their bodies proceeds from great moisture and heat: but driness engen dreth Wisdom in man; and your Garrets have for the most part nothing but lumber in them.

Q. Whether doest thou profess thy self a Knave or a Fool?

A. A Fool at a Womans service, and a Knave at a mans: thus I do distinguish, I would cozen the man of his Wife, and do his drudgery, and I would present his Wife my best respects to do her service, so I might subscribe my self both Knave and Fool. Well, well, God give them Wisdom that have it; & those that are Fools, let them use their Talent.

Q. What distinction do you make betwixt a Friend and a Foe?

A. Marry thus Sir, he that would seem a Friend and Praises me when I do not deserve it, makes an Ass of me; now my Foe tells me plainly I am an Ass; so that I am the worse for my Friend and the better for my Foe; for Plain-dealing, till of late was ever counted a Jewel.

Q. How should a man behave himself to his Friends?

A. As if in time they might become his Ene∣mies.

Q. What may a sample fellow in good Cloaths be compared to?

A. At Cinnamon-Tree, the Bark is more worth than the whole Body.

Q. How are great Eaters said to be the most va∣liant men?

A. Because they never fight but with a good Stomach.

Q. Why are those that wear long hair in the readi∣est way to make Fryars?

A. Because they promise to themselves bald Crowns without the help of a Barber.

Q. What men are dangerous in a Common∣wealth?

A. Those that affect Novelties.

Q. What was the Opinion of Pythagoras concern∣ing wild Fowl?

A. That the Soul of our Grandam might happi∣ly inhabit in a Bird; yet am not I afraid to kill a Woodcock, for fear I should dispossess the Soul of my Grandam.

Q. But what think you of his Opinion?

A. I think nobly of the Soul, and no way ap∣prove of his Opinion.

Q. Why is it said to be no Charity to give a blind man an Almes?

A. Because he would be glad to see him hanged that relieves him.

Q. On whom ought not benefits to be bestowed?

A. Not to young Children, nor to old men, nor to dishonest persons: because young Children have not the wit to apprehend a Courtesie done them before they come to the Age of Knowledge; and Old men do quickly forget them; nor upon dishonest persons, for they are too subtle to re∣quite them.

Q. Why do the Women in Newgate beg singing?

A. Because Newgate is a Cage of Canary-birds.

Q. Why is Prison a good Instrument of Refor∣mation?

A. Because it makes many Rogues and lewd Fel∣lows stay'd men.

Q. Do you not wonder that there should be so ma¦ny

Pick-Pockets about t••e st••eets, notwithstanding that there is a Watch in every corner?

A. That's all one, for a Pick-Pocket would as willing••y meet with a Watch as any thing else.

Q. Why is a Midwife so commendable a Trade?

A. Because they live not by the hurts of others as Chyrurgions do; nor by the falling out of Friends as Lawyers do: but by the agreement be∣twixt party and party.

Q. What's the best remedy for a woman that's troubled with the falling sickness?

A. It may be cured by a spell of the only cros∣sing her Legs. Probatum est.

Q. Why did the Ancients paint Fortune with a double fore-head, the one side bald, and the other hai∣ry; and why also blind?

A. The backside bald signified adversity, when we do not take opportunity by the fore-head top; the hairy part Prosperity, which we enjoy when she pleases. She is pictured blind, because many times she bestows her favours upon unworthy per∣sons, and for that she blindeth her pursuers.

Q. Why do Foot-boys for the most part wear lin∣nen stockings?

A. Because they are troubled with running Legs.

Q. What do several sorts of Colours signifie?

A. White signifieth Truth or Innocencie, it re∣sembleth the Light; Green, Hope, or Youth, Yellow, Gladness, or Jealousie; Straw Colour, Plenty; Orange, Cuckold, or Covenant-Co∣lour signifies diminution of Honour, or Spiteful; Blew, the Scotch-bonnet-Colour, Treachery: Carnation, Sorrow; Violet, Inconstancie; the Azure is most pleasant to the eyes of any colour, because Nature in the Azure seemed as if she had

meant all the rest; Red, betokeneth the nobleness of Courage; Purpure, or Purple, was a Colour in Ancient times only worn by Kings and Princes; Tawny is a Colour of Worship, most commonly born amongst the French-Gentry; Murrey in Blazon-Sanguine, is a Colour in ancient times appertaining to the Prince of Wales; All mixt or midling Colours, are reckoned more Noble or Ignoble by participation either of the Nobility of White which is Light, or of black which is a depri∣vation of Light.

Q. Why is a Cholerick man said to be no wiser than an Horse?

A. Because he cannot bridle his Passion.

Q. Why is a Miller said to be the fittest Husband for a Scold?

A. Because when the Mill goes, though her tongue be never so loud, it cannot be heard.

Q. Why are Scriveners said to be hard-hearted Fellows?

A. Because they never rejoyce so much as when they put others into Bonds.

Q. Why is it better to fall into the Claws of Crows and Ravens than of Flatterers?

A. Because Crows and Ravens do but eat us when we are dead, but flatterers devour us alive.

Q. Why had a Barber more reason to be honest and trusty than another Trade?

A. Because whosoever employs him, though but for a Hairs matter, puts his life into his hands.

Q. Why is a Barber said to be such an active man?

A. Because if once he take out his wooden Comb, he will so box a man about his Ears, yet he shall take no exceptions, for he shall scarce feel it.

Q. Why do many hold that there is a World in the Moon?

A. Because they are Lunaticks.

Q. How may a man use Tobacco that it may do him good?

A. He must keep a Tobacco-shop and sell it.

Q. Why may Tobacco shops be said for to be such dangerous places for to come into?

A. Because there's no man that ever frequented them, but that he smoakt for it.

Q. Why is a Hypocrite said to be odious to God, to man, and to the Devil.

A. God hates him because he is not what he seems; Man hates him because he seems what he is not; and the Devil hates him because he seems not what he is, a very Raskal.

Q. Why are Smiths of all other Trades said to be the most irregular and wicked?

A. For that they never think themselves better employ'd than when they addict themselves to their Vices, according to the old Verse.

I heard that Smug the Smith for Ale and Spice Sold all his Tools, and yet he kept his Vice.

Q. What's the first Commodity a young Shop∣keeper puts off?

A. His Honesty.

Q. Why do Souldiers love Beef so well.

A. Because 'tis powder'd.

Q. Why are Musquetiers of all other Souldiers said to be the most lazy?

A. Because they are always at their Rest.

Q. Why do Lawyers-Clerks write such wide Lines?

A. 'Tis done to keep the Peace, for if the Plain∣tiff

and the Defendant should be in the next, the lines being too close, they might perhaps fall toge∣ther by the Ears.

Lay John there, lay Lilburn there about,

For if they both should meet they would fall out.

Q. What may a good Client be compared to?

A. A study Gown, that fits in the cold himself to keep his Lawyers warm.

Q. Why did Nature allow of Mercury?

A. To make Alchymists Fools, and covetous men poorer.

Q. Why do we usually say that the Philosophers∣stone and need to turn all Metals into Gold?

A. Because the study of it turns all a mans Gold into Metal

Q. What is a Prodigal like?

A. A Brush which spends it self to make others go handsome.

Q. Why is a Hangman said to be one of a con∣templative life?

A. Because he never goes to work, but he is put in mind of his own end.

Q. Which of the two is more sufferable a Tyrant, or a Hangman?

A. You might as well have said Oliver or Dun; I shall give it clearly for Dun; the Hangman, he executed those that were condemned by Law; but Oliver that High Court of Justice-Devil caused them to be put to death that were innocent with∣out any Law.

Q. How are Painters call'd cunning Fellows?

A. Because they have a Colour for whatsoever they do.

Q. How are Trumpeters said to be subject to sickly Distempers?

A. Because commonly when they are most in health they will fall a sounding.

Q. Of all things that you know which do you esteem most precious?

A. As for the word precious, I look upon it as an Epithite belonging to Stones. I confess I love a Diamond, a Ruby, an Emerald, &c. But above all precious stones, there are none like those which make a perfect man, and a Maid a Mother.

Q. Why do fat men love their ease so much?

A. Because the Soul in a fat body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.

Q. Why have many men no Beards?

A. Because they have their pores so great, that the Nutriment wherewith their Hair should be nourished and entertained is consumed of adust and burnt vapours: To the Tune of, Let Simons Beard alone:

Let Simons Beard alone, For 'tis no disgrace To spit in his face, For Beard he never had one.

Q. Wherefore is it that we are for the most part ill conceited of them that have their Hair of one co∣lour and their Beard of another?

A. Martial shall answer for me in his Epigram against Zoilus, Englished thus:

Zoilus red headed and black bearded too; What squint-eyed and stump-footed in thy shooe? Thus mark'd, thou art a Knave, or else there's none; Thou art not good, ten thousand 'tis to one.

Q. Why are Citizens Wives so affected with Hats?

A. Because they love to be covered.

Q. What is the Diet so much esteemed of by Citi∣zens wives?

A. Though they love flesh better than fish, yet for their better varieties they so diet themselves, that at Noon they feed upon Carps, at Night up∣on Cods-head, and when they go abroad, they are very well pleased with Place.

Q. Why have Hosts usually such red Noses?

A. They are given them by Nature, to shew to the world an experiment of the virtue of what they sell.

Q. Why is a Tooth-drawers said to be an uncon∣scionable Trade?

A. Because he takes away those things whereby every man is said to get his living.

Q. Why are Saylors so seldom rich?

A. Because they are never so well pleased as when they go down the Wind fastest.

Q. Why are Glasiers said to be good Arbitrators?

A. Because they are continually composing of Quarrels; and unfit to be Constables, because they are constant Quarrellers.

Q. Why are Fidlers compared to Camelions?

A. Because they live by the Air.

Q. Why are they called unfortunate men?

A. Because they do all against the Hair.

Q. How are Players said to be Philosophical?

A. Because they are better contented in their Rags, when they get Money by the Beggars-Bush, or the Jovial Crew, then when they act in their best Cloathes a Courtiers Play, though of an Em∣perour, and it doth not take, to get them so much Money.

Q. How may Coblers be said to be good men?

A. Because they set men upright, and are ever mending of Soles.

Q. Why are Carpenters said to be civil, well in∣formed, and governed men as any in a Common∣wealth?

A. Because they never do their business without Rule.

Q. Why are Tapsters said to be well esteemed?

A. Because they are not only of High Calling, but also of great Reckoning.

Q. Why are Printers said to be the most lawless men in a Kingdom?

A. Because they commit Faults cum Privilegio.

Q. Why are Carriers said to be wise men?

A. Because they will not meddle with any thing but they will know of what moment or waight it is.

Q. How is a Cook said to be a man of the worst digestion?

A. Because as soon as he hath eaten his meat, he will be sure to spit it up again.

Q. What Spice doth a City-Sergeant love best?

A. Mace.

Q. Why is he that draws Beer not called a Draw∣er, as well as he that draws wine?

A. Because the Beer makes a man but piss, but 'tis the Wine that makes him draw.

Q. What may a Taylor be chiefly commend •• for?

A. For one of the most sanctified Members of a Common-wealth; for how many crooked and un∣toward bodies doth he make streight, that they may be the uprighter in their Lives and Conver∣sations.

Q. Why are Taylors like Woodcocks?

A. Because of their long Bills; and the long time before they are paid, he that pays them is

a Woodcock that doth not make them shorter by the one half, and then they will be long enough in all Conscience.

Q. What is a Drunkard like?

A. A Fool, a Mad man, and a Drowned Man: one Draught too much makes him a Fool, the se∣cond makes him a mad man, and a third full Fla∣gon Drowns him; the Crowner is the only man at that time fit to fit upon him.

Q. Why do the eyes of a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 for the most part water?

A. It proceeds from the humors that the Drink hath engendred in the Brain, wherewith feeling it self loaden, it sendeth the same again to the eyes, which are full of pores, as if they wept he should be such a Beast.

Q. Why do those that are drunk in beholding of one thing think that they see many?

A. This aris••th from the continual and sudden motion of the eyes, proceeding from exhalations and vapours; so the jealousie of the Cuckold makes him imagine that there is one a bed with his Wife, when there is only one hid under the Bed; and to imagine there is some body in the room, when he can find none there forsooth, but is good wife and himself.

Q. How doth a Drunka••d make himself known to the sober men of this life?

A. By the Pimples of his face, the rich Rubies on his Nose, the redness of his Eyes, the trembling of his Body, the stink of his Breath, and lastly, by his expatiating and staggering, by which he seems to claim a right to the Kings whole high way to tumble, fall, or lie in the Kennel, or any other dirty place where his heavy head weighs him down.

Q. What said the Drunkard to those that pe••swa¦ded him to pay his money, and not to put himself to so publike disgrace as to sit in the Stocks?

A. Good sober People, quoth••he, I thank you kindly, but I shall not do so, few 〈◊〉〈◊〉 are best, rest you contented, that money I should pay not to sit here, will make me drunk three or four times more.

Q. What difference is there betwixt a Drunkard and a Brewers-horse drawing of a Dray laden with full barrels of Beer?

A. No other, but that the Drunkard hath all the load of drink in his belly, and the Horse all on back.

Q. Why are bitter Almonds eaten in the time of tipling, said to preserve for a good space of time from Drunkenness?

A. Because they dry the body, hinder the filling of the veins, and resist the strength of the Wine; but such as receipts do for the most part obstruct the tender and more friendly operations of Nature are dangerous; the best remedy against Drunken∣ness is Sobriety. Probatum est.

Q. Why are not Women so soon Drunk; but old folks suddenly oovercome with Wine?

A. Because the Wine remains longer in the sto∣machs of old People, they being dry by nature; e∣ven as the water doth in a trough of wood, dry and half putrifi'd: but women are cold and moist, by means whereof, they do the better resist the force of the wine, and withal they have whisking water-works for evacuation.

Q. What are the Companiens of Bacchus?

A. I shall answer with the Poet for his Drunk∣ards:

Panthers, Tygers, Satyrs, follow Bacchus; (us. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Lust, fury, these and the Devil to boot will thwack

Q. Can there be no remedy for this Vice?

A. Plautus was of the mind, that it was easier to dye Ivory to perfect black with Ink, which can∣not be; Horace (though he was a Drunkard him∣self) was of Opinion that a man may sooner part two Bulls in sight, than prevail to stint two Drun∣kards of their Liquor; they have a Song which signifies no less:

Friends, why do you chide, And stem my drinking tide, Thinking to make me sad, I will, I will be mad, &c.

Q. Who are those that draw death out of which others preserve life?

A. The Drunkard and the Glutton.

Q. What is the pleasure of Drunkenness?

A. Small Beer in the morning.

Q. Whether is a fault committed in Drunkenness to be punished or remitted?

A. He that in Drunkenness committeth any of∣fence is worthy of a double punishment: first, for being drunk, next, for the injury committed; ac∣cording to the common saying, He that kills a man when he is Drunk, must be hanged when he is sober.

Q. What may come into thy mind by recording of the Musical Vowels, Ut, Re, Me, Fa, Sol, La, M••.

A, The Custome of Drunkards when they d••••nk, they begin to quaff at Ʋt, savingly; and Re, regularly; at Me, marvellously; they hold on to

drink in Fa, familiarity; in Sol, solemnly; but always conclude in La, Mi because the end of Drunkenness is lamentable and miserable.

Q. Why do Drunkards begin from halves te whole ones, and from Pints to Gallons, as if they were at the Discipline of the Old Bayly, from Calves to Bulls and from Bulls to Calves.

A. Not without Reason (till without Reason) for lesser Draughts cannot so soon intoxicate as the great ones: Nature would be disturbed by the greater quantitins of Draughts, but by the lesser (as it were by use) she will bear ••he greater; as Milo carried his Calf, and by continual Custome carried him till he was an Oxe; and Drunkards are so often from home, that oftentimes before they can reel thither, their foreheads are so branch∣ed, that they can scarcely get their Horns in at their own doors.

Q. What Employments, or Places of Command have any of this Society of Drunkards at Sea-ser∣vice? Who is Admiral amongst them of the narrow Seas?

A. He that utters his Stomach in his next fol∣lows Boots.

Q. Who is the Vice-Admiral?

A. He that pisseth under the Table on their Shooes and Stockings.

Q. Who is Master of a Ship?

A. He that is flawed in the Company before the rest.

Q. Who is Masters Mate?

A. He that is the second who is drunk at the Table.

Q. Who is Swabber?

A. He that like a sloven spils his Liquor upon the Table.

Q. Who is Pyrat of the Narrow Seas?

A. He that privately and closely stealeth his Liquor.

Q. Who is Master-Gunner?

A. He that is troubled with the Hickup.

Q. Who is the Cook?

A. He that is still smoaking with a Pipe at his Nose.

Q. Who is Trumpetter?

A. He that belcheth either backward or for∣word.

Q. What other Officers, have they in Respect and Dignity, Civil or Martial?

A. Every Office is filled and thronged.

Q. What are their Civil Officers, who is their Ma∣yor-Domo or Grand Steward?

A. He that is unruly in his Cups, swaggers, flings Pots and Drawers down stairs, breaks Glas∣ses, and beats the Fidlers about the room.

Q. Who is Mr. Comptroler?

A. He that cuts down signs and bushes.

Q. Who is Principal Secretary?

A. He that wins the favour of his Hostesses-Daughter to lie with her.

Q. Who is Mr. of the Ceremonies?

A. He that stands upon his strength and begins new Healths.

Q. Who is Oliver, or Master of the Novelties?

A. He that begins new frolicks.

Q. Who is a Mr. of Misrule?

A. He that flings Cushions, Napkins, Trench∣ers, Pint-Pots, Quart-Pots, Tobacco-Pipe, &c. about room.

Q. Who is Mr. of the Wardrobe.

A. He that wanting Money, pawns his Cloak.

Q. Who is Clerk of the Kitching?

A. He that calls for Rashers, pickled Oysters, Anchovies, &c.

Q. Who is Proctor?

A. He that talks much and speaks Nonsense.

Q. Who is Register?

A. He that tells tedious and long Tales.

Q. Who is publlick Notary?

A. He that takes the Tale out of anothers mouth.

Q. What are their Martial Preferments; who a∣mongst them is Colonel of a Regiment?

A. He that drinks in his Boots and gingling Spurs.

Q. Who is Captain of a foot Company?

A. He that drinks in silk Stockings and silk Garters.

Q. Who is Marshal of the Field?

A. He that flings Pottle and Quart-pots down the stairs.

Q. Who is Mr. of the Ordnance?

A. He that begins three Healths together round the Table.

Q. Who is Camp Master?

A. He that calls first for a Looking-glass.

Q. Who is Corporal of the Field?

A. He that washeth the Faggots with pissing in the Chimney.

Q. Who is Drum Major?

A. He that thunders in the room and beats the Drawer.

Q. Who is the Ensign-Bearer?

A. He that looks red and Colours in his drink.

Q. Who is Gentleman of a Company?

A. He that thrusts himself into a Company, and hangs upon others.

Q. Who is Lanspresado?

A. He that keeps Company, and hath but two pence to spend.

Q. Who is Sutler?

A. He that pockets up Gloves, Knives and Hand∣kercheifs.

Q. Who is an old Souldier?

A. He that drinks three days and nights toge∣ther. Exempli gratia. H.

Q. Who is an Intelligencer?

A. He that swears, and lyes in his drink.

Q. What Orders have they amongst them for their better Government? Who is Tenant amongst them in Fee-simple?

A. He that makes himself a laughing-stock to the whole Company.

Q. Who are Tenants in Dower?

A. When two or three Women meet twice or thrice a week to take a Gossips Cup.

Q. Who is a Free-holder?

A. He whose Wife goes with him to the Ale∣house.

Q. Who is Tenant at Will?

A. He whose Wife uses to fetch him home.

Q. Who is Foreman of the Jury?

A. He that ingrosseth all the talk to himself.

Q. What are their Penal Statutes, Forfeitures and W••its?

A. No man ought to call a good Fellow a Drunkard; but at any time he sees a defect in his Neighbour'ow; he may without a forfeit say, he is foxt, he is flaw'd, fluster'd, cup shot, cut in the leg or back, he hath seen the French King, or, His Mother, he hath swallowed a Hare, or White-foot tumbled him backwards, he hath bit his Grannam, he is bit by a barn Weesel, &c.

Q. What is their Writ of, By what Right?

A. If a Drunkard sits long in the Tavern and shall be fetch'd home by his Wife.

Q. What are the Books that they chiefly study.

A. Some of them are of the old Translation as Tankard, the Black-Jack, the Quart-pot rib'd, &c. Those of the New Translation, are, the Tug, Mug, Bottle, Beaker, Single-Can••e, or Black-pot, Bran.+dy-bottle, with Pipes ready fill'd with Tobacco

Q. Who is he that studies the Metaphysicks?

A. He that builds Castles in the Air.

Q. Who is he that shudies Cosmography?

A. He that brags of his Travels. Ir. B.

Q. Who is an expert Geometrician?

A. He that reels from one side of the kennel (be∣ing led) and falls into the High-way.

Q. Who is a good Navigator?

A. He that going homewards falls in the dirt, or Ditch with a Gown.

Q. What are the Customes of this Learned Socie∣ty of Drunkards, which they have ordained like the Laws of the Medes and Persians, to be unalterable?

A. Not to drink to any man, if a Woman be in presence. Not to drink to the Tapster, or Drawer, upon pain of drinking twice. To keep the first man, and to know to whom you drink. To have a care to see your self pledg'd. That you see the health go round.

I shall break up School with Anacreon, the Poets drunken Verses.

The parched Earth drinks the Rain, Trees drink off that ag ain: Rivers the Se as do quaff, Sol drinks the Ocean off. And when the Health is done; Pale Cynthia drinks the Son.

SONGS In Fashion, Since the publishing the last New Academy of Complements.

Captain Digby's Farewel.

FArewel fair Amida. my Joy & my Grief; In vain I have lov'd you, and hop'd no relief: Undone by your Virtue, too strickt and severe; Your Eyes gave me Love, and you gave me Despair. Now call'd by my Honour, I seek with content, The Fate which in pity you would not prevent. To languish in Love, were to find by delay A Death, that's more welcome the speediest way. On Seas, and in Battles, in Bullets, and Fire, The danger is less, than in hopeless desire.

My deaths-wound you gave me, though far off I were; My fall from your sight, not to cast you a Tear, But if a kind Flood or a Wave should convey, And under your Window my body would lay; The Wound on my Breast when you happen to see, You will say with a figh 'twas given by me.

A Lover dying with delight.

WHilst Alexis lay prest, in her arms he lov'd best; With his hands round her neck, and his head on her breast, He found the first pleasures too stay, And his Soul in the Tempest was flying away. When Celia saw this, with a sigh and a kiss She cri'd, Oh, my Dear! am I rob'd of my bliss, 'Twas unkind to your love, and unfaithfully done, To leave me behind you, and die all alone. The Youth though in hast, and breathing his last, In pity di'd slowly, whil'st she di'd more fast, Till at length she cri'd, now my Love, now let us go, Now die my Alexis, and I will die too. Thus intranc'd they did lie, till Alexis did try, To recover more breath, that again he might die, Thus often they di'd, oh! the more they did so, The Nymph di'd more quick, and the Shepheard more ••low.

The Lover in a Quandary.

ALl day do I sit inventing, While I live so single alone, Which way to wed to my contenting, And yet can resolve upon none.

There's a Wench whose Wealth would inrich me. But she not delights me: There's a Wench whose wealth doth inrich me. There's anothers Eyes do bewitch me; But her fashion frights me. He that herein Ha's a Traveller been, And at length in his longing sped, What shall I do, Tell me whom, I shall wooe, For I long to be lustily Wed. Shall I with a Widow marry? No, no, she such watch will bear, To spy how my self I do carry. I shall always live in fear: Shall I to a Maid be a Wooer: Maydens are lov'd of many: Knowing not whom to be sure, Are very unsure to any. Marry to Youth, There is love without Truth; For the Young cannot long be just. And Age if I prove, There's Truth without Love, For the Old are too cold to lust.

An Item for Marriage.

TO Friend and to Foe, And to all that I know, That to Marriage estate do prepare; Remember your days, In several ways Are troubled with sorrow and care. For he that doth look In the marri'd mans Book

And read but his Items all over, Shall find them to come At length to a Sum, Shall empty Purse, Pocket and Coffer. In pastimes of Love When their labours do prove, And the fruit beginneth to kick; For this and for that, And I know not for what, The Woman must have or be sick. There's Item set down For a loose bodi'd Gown; In her longing you must not deceive her: For a Bodkin, a Ring, Or the other fine things, For a Whisk, a Scarf, or a Beaver. Deliver'd and well, Who is't cannot tell; Thus whil'st the Child lies at the Nipple, There's Item for Wine 'Mongst Gossips so fine, And Sugar to sweeten their Tipple. There's Item, I hope For Water and Soap, There's Item for Fire and Candle: For better and worse, There's Item for Nurse The Babe to dress and to dandle. When swaddled in lap, There's Item for Pap, And Item for Pot, Pan, and Ladle; A Corral with Bells, Which custome compels, And Item ten Groats for a Cradle. With twenty odd Knacks, Which the little One lacks;

And thus doth t••y pleasure bewray thee: But this is the sport In Country and Court; Then let not these Pastimes betray thee.

A Sigh for She knows not what.

TO little or no purpose I spent many days In ranging the Park, the Exchange, and the Plays; Yet ne'r in my rambles till now did I prove So lucky, to meet with the man I could love. Now oh! how I'm pleas'd to think of the man That I find I must love, let me do what I can. How long I shall love him, I can no more tell Than had I a Feaver, when I should be well; My passion shall kill me before I will shew it; And yet I would give all the World he did know it. Then oh! how I sigh! when I think he should wooe me; I cannot deny, what I know, would undo me.

The pleasant Dream.

LAst night I dreamed of my Love, When sleep did overtake her, It was a ptetty drowsie Rogue, She slept, I durst not wake her. Her Lips were like to Corral, red, A thousand times I kist'em; And a thousand mere I might have stoll'n, She never could have mist'em. Her crisped Locks like threds of Gold Hung dangling or'r the Pillow; Great pity was that one fair, Should ever wear th'Green-willow.

I folded down the Holland-sheet, A little below her Belly; But what I did you ne'r shall know, Nor is it meet to tell yee. Her Belly's like to yonder Hill, Some call it Mount of Pleasure; And underneath there springs a Well, Which no mans depth can measure.

Not a Word of the Pudding.

Y'Are undone, ye Women in Town, If with speed you prevent not your ruine: The pride of your Flesh must come down, Here are Plots and severe ones a brewing. Whil'st like Cats you play with your Tails, To be thought to care little for ours: Youmind not how drinking prevails, And much lessens the value of yours. Inflam'd with our Wine, we disdain To remember the Chains we have worn, And till you dou do prize them again, Your repentance shall equal your scorn. You may think, Dear Hearts, what you please, We're resolv'd to dispute your Commands. Until we bring — on her Knees, Not a — shall be kind, though it stands.

The Womens Answer.

Y'Are deceiv'd in your Plots and your Tricks, To think to rob us of our pleasure: Since we rais'd up the pride of your — Upon Hector and Huff without measure. You Pimps, you can sooner be damn'd, Than to live a whole Lent upon Fish.

Drink on Bully-Fops, and be drunk, Be mad, and profuse of your Coin; That leads you the way to your Punk; 'Tis the only effects of good Wine. But then if your spirits should move, You'd be glad to make us amends; And rather than lose what you love, You'd be glad to kiss — and be friends.

A Catch.

THe Pot and the Pipe, the cup and the Can, Have quite undone, quite undone many a man. The Hawk & the Hound, the Dice, & the Whore, Have quite undone, quite undone as many more.

The flames of Desire.

DO not ask me charming Phillis, Why I lead you here alone, By this bank of Pinks and Lillies, And of Roses newly blown. 'Tis not to behold the beauty Of those Flowers which crown the Spring: 'Tis to — but I know my duty, And dare never name the thing. 'Tis at worst but her denying, Why should I thus fearful be; Every minute gently flying, Smiles, and says, make use of me. What the Sun do's to those Roses Whilst the Beams play sweetly in; I wu'd — but my fear opposes, And I dare not name the thing.

Yer I die, if I conceal it, Ask mine eyes, or ask your own; And if neither dare reveal it, Think what Lovers think alone. On this bank of Pinks and Lillies, Might I speak what I wu'd do I wu'd with my lovely Phillis, I wu'd, I wud, ah, wu'd you.

The Art of loving.

COme hither young Sinner, Thou raw young beginner; I'le shew thee if thou canst understand me, All the ways of a Wench, Be she English or French, More than Ovid, de Anti Amandi: I'le reach thee to know Borh the who, and the how, And the when, and the where to delight; If she simper or Saint it, Or patch it or paint it, I'le warrant thee, Boy, she is right. If she jigg with her Thighs, Or twinkle with her Eyes, She bids you come on, if you like her; If without joys or fears, She can laugh and shed tears; 'Tis the only true trick of a Striker: If she sighs when she speaks, Or doth use many freaks, She is deeply in love, by this light; If you tread on her Toe, And she answer thee so, I'le warrant, &c. She'l smile, and she'l frown, She'l laugh and lie down,

At every turn you must tend her: She'l peep in her Glass, And dispraise her own Face, On purpose that you may commend her: With Love-tales and Fancies Pickt out of Romances, She'l angle to try if you'l bite. If she speak in a passion, Or make application. I'le warrant, &c. If she stand at a distance, There is no resistance; Her very retreat is a Call: She'l stare in your Eyes, Like a Pyrate for a Prize; As if she would say, have at all. She'l shew you her brew, To guess at the rest, The Fountain of Love and delight: If she sit in thy lap, Beware of a trap. I'le warrant, &c. She'l hit and she'l miss, She'l be coy, and she'l kiss, To try and find out what you are: One action shall say, Pray Sir, go away; And another, Come on, if you dare: She'l give you a glance, Like Heav'n in a trance, No Diamond nor Saphir so bright. If she drink Wine and Burrage. And kiss with a courage. I'le warrant, &c. She'l set you more snares, Than her tire hath hairs;

She's subtle and swift in invention: If you jest and mean loosly, Though ne'r so reclusely, She'l shew you her quick apprehension: Her Plots are abounding, She fits hath of sounding; If she call on your name in the f••ight, Blind Cupid hath hit her, And you too may fit her. I'le warrant, &c. When Nol stole the Scepter, She canted in Scripture, And went to St. Antholines Lecture: But now she doth trade, Like a right Reformade, And is a Decoy for the Hectors. She'l swear she is free From all men but thee, And blush like a Bride the first night. If she squint through her hood, 'Tis to heighten thy blood. I'le warrant, &c. Her turne and her windings, Are past your out-findings. She hath so many changeable tempers: She'l give you a look, Like a Virgin forsook, With another Command like an Empress: This sign never misses, If she squeak when she kisses, And glimmers like Stars in the night: If she give thee a trip With her lose lower-lip, I'le warrant, &c. She'l kiss and cry Quarter, Unlosen her Garter,

That you may take't up as a favour; When you ty't on again, She'l cry, What d'ye mean: Y'are a man of a loose behaviour: Yet thus will she play, To direct you the way To the Center and seat of delight: If she's troubled with qualms, And sweat in the palms, I'le warrant, &c. She'l bid you forbear, Y'are uncivil, my Dear, She tempts in her very denial s When tongue cries, Be gone; Her looks cry, Come on, The ticklings are only for trials: When Rams do retreat; More courage they get; And tilt wit with redoubled might: No sight can so move, As the Landskip of Love. I'le warrant, &c. She'l give you to wear A bracelet of Hair, And that as a fetter she'l lock on: But let me perswade ye, One hair of a Lady, Will draw more than ten Team of Oxen. Thus have I in brief, Told the marks of the Thief, That filches affection by slight: But if she prevail, Thou'rt a slave in a Goal, And Honour will bid thee good night.

The Rapture.

CAlm was the Evening, and clear was the Sky, And new budding Flowers did spring, When all alone went Amintas and I To hear the sweet Nightingal sing. I sate, and he laid him down by me, And scarcely his breath he could draw; But when with a fear, He began to come near, He was dasht with an ah ah, ah. He blusht to himself, and lay still for a while, And his modesty curb'd his desire, But streight I convinc'd all his fears with a smile, Which added new flames to his fire. Ah, Sylvia! said he, you are cruel, To keep your poor Lover in awe; Then once more he prest, With his hands to my brest, But was dasht with on ah, ah, ah. I knew 'twas his passion caus'd all his fear, And therefore I pitied his case; I whisper'd him softly, there's no body near, And laid my cheek close to his face: But as he grew bolder, A Shepherd came by us, and saw; And just as our bliss Began with a kiss, He burst out with ha, ha, ha, ha, I bad him be quiet for fear of the Swain, And follow me down to the Grove, Where we crope in a Cave, and chatter'd again, The dangers that prosecute Love, He plaid with my pretty white shooe-strings; My legs he did tickle and claw;

But do what I cou'd, Yet he forced my blood, And I squeek't with an ha, ha, ha. The small of my leg he did prettily praise, And my calf that so roundly did rise; I wink'd and I frown'd at his foolish delays, Which made him skip up to my thighs: He plaid with my soft panting Belly; I bad to his fingers no law: But when he did touch What he loved so much, He burst out with an ha, ha, ha.

A Song of Nothing.

I'Le Sing you a Sonnet that ne're was in Print, 'Tis truly and newly come out of the Mint, I'l tell you before-hand, you'l find nothing in't. On nothing I think, and on nothing I write, 'tis nothing I court, yet nothing I slight, Nor care I pin, if I get nothing by't. Fire, Air, Earth, and water, beasts, birds, fish and men, Did start out of nothing, a Chaos, a Den; And all things shall turn into nothing again. 'Tis nothing sometimes makes many things hit As when fools among wise men do silently sit, A fool that says nothing, may pass for a Wit. What one man loves is another mans loathing, This Blade loves a quick thing, that loves a slow thing, And both do in the conclusion love nothing, Your Lad that makes love to a delicate smooth thing, And thinking with sighs to gain her and soothing, Frequently makes much ado about nothing. At last when his patience and purse is betra'id, He may to the bed of a Whore be betray'd; But she that hath nothing, must need be a Maid.

Your slashing, and clashing, and slashing of wit, Doth start out of nothing, but Fancie and fit; 'Tis little or nothing to what hath been writ. When first by the ears we together did fall, Then something got nothing, and nothing got all; From nothing it came, and to nothing it shall. That party that seal'd to a Cov'nant in haste, Who our 3 Kingdoms, and Churches lie waste; Their project, and all came to nothing at last. They raised an Army of Horse and Foot, To tumble down Monarchy, Branches and Root; They thunder'd and plunder'd, but nothing would do 't. The organ, the altar, and Ministers clothing In Presbyter Jack begot such a loathing, That he must needs raise a petty New nothing. And when he had rob'd us in sanctifi'd clothing Perjur'd the people by faithing and trothing; At last he was catch't, and all came to nothing. In several Factions we quarrel and brawl, Dispute, and contend; and to fighting we fall; I'le lay all to nothing, that nothing wins all. When war and rebellion, and plundering grows, The Mendicant man is freest from foe s, For he is most happy hath nothing to lose. Brave Caesar and Pompey, and Great Alexander, Whom Armies follow'd as Goose follows Gander, Nothing can say 'tis an action of slander. The wisest great Prince, were he never softout, Though conquer the world, & give mankind a rout, Did bring nothing in, nor shall bring nothing out. Old Nol that arose from Low-thing to High-thing, By brewing Rebellion, Micking, & Frothing, In sev'n years distance was all things and nothing. Dick. (Olivers Heir) that pitiful slow-thing, Who was once invested with purple-cloathing, Stands for a Cypher, and that stands for nothing.

If King killers bold are excluded from bliss, Old Bradshaw (that feels the reward on't by this) Had better been nohing, than what now he is. Blind Collonel Hewson, that lately did crawl Te lofty degree, from a low Coblers stall, Did bring Aul to nothing, when Aul came to all. Your Gallant that Rants in delicate clothing, Though lately he was but a pitiful low-thing, Pays Landlord, Draper and Taylor with nothing. The nimble-tongu'd Lawyer that pleads for his pay When death doth arrest him & bear him away, At the Gen'ral Bar will have nothing to say. Whores that in silk were by Galants embrac't, By a rabble of Prentices lately were chac't, Thus courting, and sporting comes to nothing at last. If any man tax me with weakness of wit, And say that on nothing, I nothing have writ; I shall answer, ex nihilo nihil fit. Yet let his discreetion be never so tall, This very word nothing shall give it a fall; For writing of nothing, I comprehend all. Let every man give the Poet his due, 'Cause then it was with him as now it's with you; He studi'd it when he had nothing to do. This very word nothing, if took the right way, May prove advantageous, for what would you say, If the Vintner should cry, there is nothing to pay.

A Catch, of Something,

WIll it please you to hear a fine Ditty, In praise of a six footed Creature, That lives both in Countrey and City: She is wonderous loving by nature, She profereth her service to any, She'le stick fast but that she'le prevail:

She is entertained by many, Till death, no master will fail. She'l venter as far in the Battle, As any Commander that goes: She commonly plays Jack-a-both sides, She cares not a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 for her Foes; For she is sure to be shot free, To kill her no Sword will prevail; But if she be taken pris'ner, She's crushed to death with a nail. She perfectly hates a neat Laundress, And all those that set her on work; For all her delights in foul linnen, In the seams she doth privately lurk: For she's for him that's non-suited, Or any good Fellow that lacks. She will be as good Friend to him, As his shirt that sticks to his back. More plainly I cannot describe her, For she had her beginning at first; She Sprung from the Loyns of great Pharoah, And that by his Queen she was nurst: But if you should be displeased, It is but in vain for to fight her; I have no more now to say of her, But that she is a back-biter.

A Song.

WHen Aurelia first I courted, She had youth and beauty too, Killing pleasures when she sported, And her Charms were ever new; Conquering Time doth now deceive her Which her glories did uphold, All her Arts can ne're retrieve her, Poor Aurelia's growing old.

The airy Spirits which invited, Are retir'd, and move no more; And those Eyes are now benighted, Which were Comets heretofore. Want of these abate her merits, Yet I've passion for her name, Only kind and am'rous Spirits Kindle and maintain a flame.

A New Song.

ALl the flatt'ries of Fate, And the pleasures of state, Are nothing so sweet, as what Love does create. If this you deny, 'Tis time I should die, Kind Death's a Reprive if you threaten to hate: In some close shady Grove, Will I wander and rove With the Nightingal, and Disconsolate Dove, With down-hanging Wing, I will mournfully sing, The tragick Events of unfortunate Love. With our plaints wel'l conspire, To heighten Loves fire. Still vanquishing life, till at length we'll expire. And when I am dead, In a cold leasie Bed, Be interr'd with the Dirge of a desolate Quire.

Another.

I'Le go to my Love where he lies in the deep, And in my embraces my dearest shall sheep, When we wake, the kind Dolphins together shall throng, And in Chariot of Shells shall draw us along.

The Orient hath Pearls, whith the Ocean bestows, And mixed with Coral a Crown to compose Though the Sea-nymphs do spite us, and even our bliss, We will teach them to love, & the Cockles to kiss. For my Love lies now in watry Grave, And hath nothing to shew for his Tomb but a Wave, I'le kiss his dear Lips than the Coral more red, Thar grows where he lies in his watry Bed. Ah, Ah, Ah, my Love's dead; There's not a Bell, But a Triton's Shell, To ring, to ring out his Knell.

A Song.

I Pass all the Night in a shady old Grove, But I live not the day that I see not my Love; I survey ev'ry walk now my Phillis is gone, And sigh when I think we were there all alone: O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think there's no Hell, Like loving, like loving too well. But each Grove, and each conscious Bank when I find, Where I once happy, and she hath been kind, And spy where her print in the green doth remain, And imagine the pleasures may yet come again; O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think no joys above, Like the pleasures, the pleasures of Love. But while I repeat to my self all her charms, She I love may be lock'd in another mans arms, She may laugh at my cares, and so false may she be, To say all the kind things, she before said to me, O then, 'tis, O then, 'tis I think there's no Hell, Like loving, like loving too well. But when I consider the truth of her heart, Such innocent passion so kind without Art, I fear I have wrong'd her, and hope she may be, So full of true love, to be jealous of me. O then 'tis, O then 'tis, I think it no Joys above, Like the pleasures, the pleasures of Love.

The Thief-Ketchers Song.

Good People give ear whil'st a Story I tell, Of twenty black Tradesmen were brought up in hell, On purpose poor people to rob of their due There's none shall noozed, if you find but one true; The first was a Coyner that stampt in a Mould, The second a Voucher to put off his Gold: Tour you well, Hark you well, See where they are rub'd, Ʋp to the Nubbing-Cheat, And there they're nubb'd. The the third was a Padder, that fell to decay; And vvhen he was living, took to the High way. The fourth is a Mill-ken, to crack up a Door; He'll venture to rob both the Rich and the Poor, The fifth is a Glasier, who when he creeps in: To pinch all the Lurry, he thinks it no sin. Tour you well, &c. The sixth is a Foyl-cloy, that not one Hick spare. The seventh is a Budge, to track up the stairs: The eighth is a Bulk, that can bulk any hick; If the Master be napt, then bulk he is sick. The ninth is a Ginny, to lift up a Grate; If he sees but the Lurry, with his hooks he will bate. Tour you well, &c. Th tenth is a Shoplist that carries a Bob, When he ranges the City the Shops for to rob. The eleventh is a Bubber, much used of late, He goes to the Alehouse, & steals there the Plate. The twelfth a Trapan, if a Cull he doth meet, He nips all his Cole, and turns him i'th' street. Tour you well, &c.

The thirteenth a Famble, false Rings for to sell, When a Mob he has bit, his Cole he will tell. The fourteenth a Gamester, if he sees the Hic sweet, He presentry drops down a Cog in the street. The fifteenth a Prancer, vvhose courage is small; If they catch him horse-coursing he's noozed for al. Tour you well, &c. The sixteenth a She-napper, vvhose Trade's so deep, If he's caught in the Corn, he's mark'd for a sheep. The seventeenth a Dun-aker, that vvill make vows, To go in the Countrey, and steal all the Cows. The eighteenth a Kid-napper, Spirits young men, Though he tip them the piks, they nap him agen. Tour you well, &c. The nineteenth is a Prigger of the Cacklers, Goe. into the Countrey to visit the Farmers, He steals their Poultry, and thinks it no sin, When into the Hen-roost i'th' night he gets in. The twentieth a Thief-catcher, so we him call, If he nap a poor Tradesman, he pays for all. Tour you well, &c. There's many more Craftsmen which I could name, That do use such like trades, yet think it no shame: These may a young Convert confess to his grief, Are all the black Trades of a Gentleman Thief: Who though a good Workman, is seldom made free, Till he rides on a Cart to be nooz'd on a Tree. Tour you well, Hark you well, See where they are rub'd, Ʋp to Nubbing-Cheat, And there they're nubb'd.