Seven new colloquies translated out of Erasmus Roterodamus as also The life of Erasmus / by Mr. Brown.

THE Fatal Marriage, or the Unhappy Bride. (Book 4)

COL. IV. (Book 4)

A Pretty Young Lady forc'd to Marry a Dis∣eased Rake-hell of Quality. The Cruelty of Parents to Sacrifice their Children to the Vanity of a Title.

Peter. Gabriel.

Pe.

WHence comes our Friend Gabriel I won∣der, with so grave, so mortified a Phyz? from Burgess's Meeting, or a Reprobation-Lecture at Pinners hall?

Ga.

No, you are mistaken, from a Wedding.

Pe.

The duce you did! I never saw a Look in my Life that had less of the air of a Wedding in it. Those that have been at so jolly a Ceremony ought to look the chearfuller for it at least a Twelve-month after. Why Man such a sight, that puts so many merry Ideas into a bo∣dy's Head, is enough to make one as Old as Parr frisk and caper, and grow Young again. Then prethee what sort of a Wedding is it thou talk'st of? Not that of Death and the Cobler I hope, or of Bully Bloody bones and Mother Damnable.

Ga.

Jesting apart, I come from the Wedding of a young Gen∣tleman to one of the most charming delicious Creatures in the world; A Curse on my Memory, she sets me on Fire as oft as I think of her; in

the very Bloom of her Age; just turn'd of Sixteen, and for her Beauty, Fortune, and good Conditions not to be parallell'd in the whole Country: In short, she was fit to have made a Spouse for Iu∣piter himself.

Pe.

What! For such an old anti∣quated Fumbler as he.

Ga.

Why prethee your Great Folks never grow Old.

Pe.

Well then, whence comes this sadness, this Cloud upon your Forehead? Now I think on't, I fancy you envy the Bridegroom for Robbing you of so delici∣ous, so eharming a Morsel.

Ga.

No such mat∣ter, I'll assure you.

Pe.

Perhaps you fell to Log∣gerheads over your Wine, as the Lapithae did of Old, and that makes you so melancholy.

Gr.

You are wide of the matter, take my word for't.

Pe.

I'll guess the contrary then; perhaps the Spark was a Niggard of his Liquor, and to be Sober at a Wedding, you know, is a Sin ne'er to be forgiven.

Ga.

So far from that, that the Buts bled as heartily, as if it had been a Coronation.

Pe.

Well, now I have hit it, you wanted Mu∣sick to chear your Hearts.

Ga.

Oh! wider from the point than ever; we had Fiddles, and Flutes, and Harps, and Kettle-drums; in fine, all the Instruments you can think of from a Bag-pipe up to an Organ; nay, that most Celestial Consort of a pair of Tongues and a Key was not wanting.

Pe.

Well, you had your belly-full of Dancing then I hope.

Ga.

Not so much Dancing as you imagine, but Limping enough in all Conscience.

Pe.

What Persons of Quality had you to Grace the Nuptials?

Ga.

Not one, but a certain active Lady, whose Business and good Qualities you may find upon all the Pissing-posts in Town, and who keeps her head Quarters in Covent-garden.

Pe.

A Covent-garden Lady say you; pray what may her

Name be?

Ga.

In troth none of the best: The world calls her MY LADY POX, but as the Draper said by his Cloth, what she wants in length she makes out in breadth, for they say she's Related to most of the Noble Families in Christendom.

Pe.

But why (dear Friend of mine) shou'd the bare mention of this set thee a weep∣ing?

Ga.

Ah Peter, Peter, the Tragical Story I am going to tell thee of, is enough to make a Brickbat weep and cry and run like a Church Spout.

Pe.

Yes, so I suppose if a Brickbat had but a Tongue, and a pair of Eyes and Ears. But prethee keep me upon the rack no longer; out with thy ill News let it be what it will: You see I have guessed and guessed and always fell wide of the Mark.

Ga.

You know Squire Freeman of the Grange, don't you?

Pe.

Know him? I have drank a Thousand Bottles with him in my time; the worthiest, frankest, honestest Gentle∣man that ever breathed.

Ga.

Well, and don't you know his Daughter Katy too?

Pe.

Now you have named her, you have named the Top-Beauty of the Age.

Ga.

'Tis as you say, and do you know whom she is Married to?

Pe.

Ten to one, but after you have told me, I shall.

Ga.

I'll tell you then: She's Married to that mirrour of Knighthood Sir Bully Bounce.

Pe.

What! that swaggering, blustering, huffing Spark, that Com∣pound of Cowardice and Vanity, that everlasting Coxcomb, who kills whole Armies in a Breath, and murders more than Drawcansir in the Play.

Ga.

The very same individual Monster upon my word.

Pe.

Why you know he's famous all the world over for Two extraordinary Gifts; Impri∣mis, for his most incomparable Talent of Lying, at which he'll out-do Twenty four Plot-Eviden∣ces

supported with the same number of Travel∣ling Priests; and, 2dly, For a certain Noble French Qualification he carries about him, I mean the French Disease, which tho' it came from the In∣dies but t'other day, and is the younger Brother of the Weekly Bills, yet in the short time it has set up for it self, has done more Execution, and run a greater compass of Ground than all the other Diseases put together, tho' they started so many Hundred Years before it.

Ga.

'Tis a haughty proud Distemper that's certain, and will turn its back neither to Gout, nor Stone, nor Plague, nor Fever, nor yet to its Son-in-law Consumption, whose Name it frequently assumes: Give it but a clear Stage and it demands no favour.

Pe.

So the Sons of Galen talk indeed.

Ga.

Why shou'd I spend more time in describing this pretty young Creature, since I find you know her? tho' I must tell you, Friend, that the richness of her Dress added no little Lustre to her Natural Beauty. I tell thee what Peter, hadst thou seen her in the Room, thou'dst have Sworn she was a Goddess; her Ha∣bit, her Mien, her Shape, and, in short, all her Motions were agreably bewitching. Soon after, that blessed Weight the Bridegroom popt upon us God wot, with his Nose dismantled, and draw∣ing one Leg after another, but with as ill a grace as an Old founder'd Country Dancing Master. He wore a Welch Gantlet upon both Hands, I mean the Itch, with which his Fingers were Crusted over as with a natural Armour: His Eyes were dull and heavy, his Breath strong enough to mur∣der at twelvescore; his Head bound up in an infinity of Caps, and his Nose (beg your par∣don, Sir,) run as plentifully as a Horse's that has got the Glanders. In fine, this Living Mummy

was wrapt up in Flannel from Top to Toe, for fear of falling asunder; otherwise I dare engage that a puff of Wind not strong enough to rufflea Custard, wou'd have shaken his Tabernacle to pieces.

Pe.

Mercy on us! And what in the Name of Lucifer was the reason that her Parents Married her to this walking Hospital?

Ga.

I don't know, but that three Parts in four of the Globe seem now a days to be stark Mad and out of their Wits.

Pe.

Perhaps the Fellow's plaguy Rich, and Riches you know, like Charity, cover a multi∣tude of Faults.

Ga.

Rich! 'tis then in Shopkee∣pers Books, for he's deeper in them than a dozen Lords▪ I cou'd name to you, at the other end of the Town. In short, he ows more than his Head's worth.

Pe.

If this young Damosel now had poi∣son'd her pious Grandfather, and broke the Heart of her venerable Grandmother, what greater Pu∣nishment cou'd they have inflicted on her?

Ga.

Nay had she pist upon the Tomb of her Ance∣sters, she had more than aton'd for the Crime, had she been only forc'd to give him one single Kiss.

Pe.

Faith, I'm of your Opinion.

Ga.

In my mind now they have been infinitely more Cruel to her, than if they had exposed her stark Naked to Bears, or Lyons, or Crocodiles: Those generous Beasts wou'd either have spar'd a Crea∣ture of such incomparable Beauty, or else soon made a Breakfast of her and put her out of her Misery.

Pe.

Right. This brutal, this barbarous Vsage seems only fit for such a Monster as Me∣zentius to have put in Execution, who, as Virgil tell us,

Ioyn'd the unhappy Living to the Dead, And set them Breast to Breast, and Head to Head.

Tho' by the by, I very much question whether Mezentius, as inhuman as they represent him, wou'd have been such a downright Devil, as to tack so lovely a young Virgin to a nasty Carcass; and what Carcass is there that one wou'd not much rather desire to be joyn'd to, than this confound∣ed Knight, with a Pox to him; since the very Air he breaths is rank Poison, since his very words are Pestilential, and to be touch'd by him is worse than Death it self.

Ga.

Now, prithee honest Pe∣ter, do but think with your self what a mighty Pleasure there must needs be in their kissing and panting, and murmuring and sighing, and all the o∣ther mysteries of the nuptial Bed.

Pe.

I have heard the Parsons frequently talk of uncanonical, Marria∣ges. Now this I think is an uncanonical Marriage with a witness. 'Tis as unsuitable, as if one should set the finest Diamond in the world in Lead; You may talk of your Heroes and your Killers of Giants, but for my part I think this young Lady gives a grea∣ter proof of her boldness to venture her self between a pair of Sheets with so hideous a Bed fellow. Young Maidens of her Age use to be scared out of their Wits at the sight, nay at the bare mention of a Ghost or Hobgoblin; and can she endure to be murder'd all night in the Embraces of so dreadful a Spectre?

Ga.

The poor Creature has something to excuse her, as the Authority of her Father, the Importunity of her Relations, and the Simpli∣city of her Age; but her Parents I'm sure have not a Syllable to say for themselves. What Chimny-sweeper, or Broom man in Kent-street, wou'd Mar∣ry his Daughter, tho' she were never so homely, to a Fellow that had a Plague-sore running upon him?

Pe.

Not one in my Conscience that had but a Grain of common Sense. For my part, had I a Daughter both

Lame and Blind, and ugly enough to be Roasted for a Witch in Scotland, and to compleat her Charms, with not one Farthing of a Portion to help her off, I wou'd sooner swopp her to a Tobacco plantation, than make her say for better for worse with such a choice Son in Law.

Ga.

The Leprosie is a very bad Com∣panion, but this cursed Distemper is a thousand times more Loathsom and Destructive even than that. It steals upon a Man without giving him fair warning, it goes off, and rallies again with a vengeance, and frequently sends many a young Fellow to the Devil, before he knows where he is; whereas the Leprosie is so complai∣sant and Civil, as to let a Man jog on to a good comfortable old Age.

Pe.

Perhaps then the Girl's Father and Mother knew nothing that the Bride∣groom lay under this pinching Dispensation, as the Quaker call'd it.

Ga.

No, no, they knew it as well as his Nurse or Chirurgeon.

Pe.

If they were resolved to use her so ill, why a God's Name did they not tye her Neck and Heels in a Sack and so fling her into the Thames?

Ga.

It had been a much more merciful way of dispatching her than this.

Pe.

What was it then that recommended him to their Choice? Is he Famous for any good Qualities?

Ga.

Yes, several I can tell you; he Games incomparably, Drinks like a Camp-chap∣lain, and Whores like a Lay elder; then for Bante∣ring and Lying, nothing in the Universe comes near him. He has a long Score I dare engage in every Tavern from Whitechappel to Whitehall. He palms a Dy to admiration, and wou'd cheat his own Brother. In short, he is the most finished Rakehel now living; and whereas the Vniversities pretend but to seven liberal Sciences, Sir Bully Bounce has at least a dozen, of which he is a compleat Master, and may serve to be Regius Pro∣fessor

of any of them.

Pe.

Well, but after all, this Sir Bully what d'ye call him, must have some∣thing or other certainly to recommend him to her Parents,

Ga.

Why, you have already named it Man, did you not call him Sir Bully? 'Twas no∣thing but the glorious Title of Knight that bewitch∣ed them.

Pe.

A precious Knight indeed, you may call him the Knight of the burning Pestle. But I suppose he has a vast Estate, and that makes a∣mends for all.

Ga.

Some, half a score years a∣go he had an indifferent Estate, but living very fast, as they say, has brought his Noble to Nine∣pence; for he has Whored and Drunk away all his Acres, and has nothing left but a little Man∣nor-house, moated round for fear of an Invasion, from whence he uses to make a Descent now and then into the Neighbouring Country, to the great Terror and Desolation of the Farmers Yards thereabouts; but so wretchedly furnished, that a Pig sty wou'd be thought a Palace to it. And yet this egregious Coxcomb talks of nothing but of Bounce-Castle near the River Bounce in Bounce hun∣dred, and of his Mannor-houses, and Summer-seats, of Heriots, and Deodands, of Court Leets, and the Assizes, of Tenants and Vassals; with a heap of such magnificent well-sounding words; and then he never comes into any company but he perpe∣tually prates of his Coat of Arms.

Pe.

Prithee what Coat of Arms does the Brute give? six Tur∣pentine Pills Gilt, I warrant ye, and his Supporters are two Quack Doctors with those terrible Engines, two Syringes mounted.

Ga.

That's merry enough. No, he gives Three Hogs, Or in a Field Gules.

Pe.

A very proper Emblem, I faith for such a Beast; but by the Field one wou'd take him to be a very bloody Person.

Ga.

Rather if you judge him by the Wine

he drinks; for he makes no more of a Gallon of Claret, than a School-boy wou'd do of sucking an Egg.

Pe.

Then the three Golden Hogs show that he squanders all the Mony, he can lay his Fingers on, in swilling and sotting.

Ga.

You are much in the right on't.

Pe.

But to dismiss this point of He∣raldry, pray what Iointure will this mighty Blu∣sterer settle upon his Spouse?

Ga.

Ne'er trouble your Head about that, he'll give her a most mag∣nificent one, you need not question.

Pe.

How can that be, since you tell me he has spent all, and burnt out his Candle to the last inch?

Ga.

Don't interrupt me then: He'll jointure her in a most-pray mind me Sir—in a most substantial, full-grown, thorough-paced—POX, so firmly set∣tled, that neither She nor the Heirs of her Body, shall be able to cut off th' Entail, tho' they got an Act of Parliament for't.

Pe.

Let me dye if I wou'd not sooner marry my Daughter to a Small∣coal man, or a Hog-driver, than to such a rotten piece of Quality.

Ga.

And for my part I wou'd much rather bestow mine upon a Red-headed Welch Curate with four Marks a Year, and the Perqui∣sites of a Bear and a Fiddle. How I pitty the un∣fortunate Creature? There had been some com∣fort still, had she Married a Man; but alas she is thrown away upon the Leavings, the Dross, the Refuse, the what shall I call it—the Skeleton of a Man? Now, Peter, put your Hand to your Heart and tell me fairly, Had you seen this la∣mentable sight, cou'd you have forbore Weeping?

Pe.

Why do ye ask me such a Question, when you see the very Recital of this Story has drawn Tears from me? Good Heavens! that Parents shou'd be so Barbarous and Unnatural, so void of common Humanity and Affection, as to Sacrifice

an only Daughter, and one so Beautiful and Amiable, so Innocent and sweet-condition'd to the loathsom Embraces of a filthy Monster; and all for the sake of a lying Coat of Arms, and o make the poor thing a Lady.

Ga.

Your Com laint is not with∣out Reason; for certainly 'tis the greatest Barbarity that can be committed; and yet your People of Condition (as they call themselves) make but a jest of it; tho' one wou'd think that it highly concern'd those Gentlemen that are born to the highest Posts of the Government, and are one day to make Sena∣tors, and Ministers of State, to take some care of their Health; for let them say, what they will to the contrary, the Body has a great Influence upon the Operations of the Soul. Now this exerable Disease undermines the whole Fabric, and at long run does not leave a Man so much Brain as wou'd fill a Nut-shell. And thus it comes about that we frequently see some Noble Persons sitting at the Helm, whose Intellectuals, as well as their Carcasses are in a woful pickle.

Pe.

In my opinion, your Great Men, whether Princes, or those of a subordinate Rank, ought not only to have their Vnderstand∣ings clear and strong, and a healthful Constitution of Body, but if it were possible shou'd excel other Men in the Beauty and Gracefulness of their Persons, as much as they do in Quality; for tho' Iustice and Wisdom are the principal Ingredients in the Compo∣sition of a Prince, and chiefly recommend him to the Love of his People; yet there's something too to be said for his shape and outside. If he proves a morose and rigid Governor, the deformity of his Body helps to make him still more Odious to his Subjects; and if he is Merciful and Affable, his Vertues derive some agreeableness from the beauty of the Place where they Inhabit.

Ga.

I make no

question o'nt.

Pe.

Don't we use to lament the misfortune of those poor Women, whose Husbands soon after they are Married to them, fall into Con∣sumptions, or are troubled with Apoplectic Fits?

Ga.

Yes, and not without good reason.

Pe.

Then tell me, what a Madness or Stupidity is it for a Man to bestow his Daughter, voluntarily, and of his own free will, to a Fellow that is ten times worse than the most Consumptive wretch a∣live?

Ga.

No doubt on't, 'tis the highest degree of Madness that can be. If a Nobleman has a mind to have a fine Pack of Hounds, do ye think he'd bring a mangy scoundril Cur to a well-bred Bitch?

Pe.

No. He wou'd sooner send from one end of his County to the other, that he might not be plagued with a Litter of Mungrils.

Ga.

And if my Lord should take a fancy to have a noble studd of Horses, can you imagine he'd suffer a heavy, dis∣eased, rascally Dray horse to cover his fine Barbary Mare?

Pe.

So far from that, that he'd hang up half a score Grooms rather than he'd endure to have a diseased Horse come within his Stable, for fear of giving the Infection to the rest.

Ga.

And yet this discreet and noble Peer does not care a Far∣thing who Marries his Daughter and begets her Children, tho' they are not only to Succeed him in his Estate, but may arrive at one time or o∣ther to have the Chief management of State-Af∣fairs.

Pe.

Even that moving Clod of Earth a Country Farmer wont let every pitiful Bull that comes next to hand Gallant his Cow, nor every sorry Tit debauch his Mare, nor every Lean-gutted Boar make Love to his Sow; tho' the highest Preferment an Ox can arrive to in this World is to drudge at a Plough, and a Horse's fortune is to draw a Coach or Cart, and a Hog's

destiny concludes in furnishing Belly-Timber for the Kitchin, Chines and Spare-ribs against Christ∣mass, and Gammons to keep Easter in Counte∣nance.

Ga.

To see now how porversly Mankind judges of things! If a poor ordinary Fellow should in his Liquor happen to force a Kiss from a No∣bleman's Daughter, they'd persecute him so furi∣ously, that the poor Offender must be forced, in his own defence, to fly his Country.

Pe.

No question but that wou'd be the end on't.

Ga.

And yet these wise and honourable Persons freely, and of their own accord, without the least Ne∣cessity or Compulsion, make no Scruple to Condemn a Daughter for term of Life to the Bed of a lewd profligate Rakehell, so he be but a Rakehell of Quality; in which respect they dont only trespass against the real interest of their own Family, but likewise against that of the Public.

Pe.

If a Fel∣low that halts a little, or (to put the Case as bad as can be) stalks it along upon a wooden Leg, like the Crane of limping Memory in the Park, shou'd have the Impudence to Court a young Girl, how would the Women mock and jeer at him, tho' he is an able and sound Man in the Cri∣tical Part? At the same time, tho' a Man has been Flux'd never so often, it is no impediment to his Marriage.

Ga.

If a Coachman or Groom chance to run away with a Gentleman's Daughter, there is presently such a Rout and Hubbub all the Country, over as if the French were Landing; Lord! crys one, what pitty 'tis that so Young a Creature should be Ruin'd; and Lord! crys an other, what Death is bad enough for the Raskal that seduced her? altho' this Raskal, bating the meaness of his out-side, is as vigorous as the best Lord of them all, with the help of his Jellies;

and his Wife is like to find him a Comfortable Performer; whereas this poor young Lady, we have been talking of, must do Pennance all her Life with a walking Carcass. Thus too, if an Heiress happens to bestow herself upon a Parson, how many Iests and Proverbs does the Neighbourhood pelt her with? When Death puts an end to the Par∣son's Life, what becomes of the Parson's Wife? How∣ever she enjoys herself well enough while her Hus∣band lives, which is some satisfaction. But the Heroine of our Tragedy cannot expect one easie moment with her Knight in his Life-time, and when Dead, the Infection he bequeaths to her, will haunt her worse than a Ghost.

Pe.

'Tis even so. Your Pirates that surprize Women by stealth, and Soldiers that take them as plunder in War, never treat them half so Cruelly as this poor Girl has been treated by her Parents, and yet the Ma∣gistrate never calls them to an account for it.

Ga.

How should a Physician cure a Mad man, if he himself has a spice of the same Distemper?

Pe.

But 'tis the greatest wonder in the world to me, that Princes who are so nearly and visibly interessed in the Wellfare of their People, shou'd make no whole∣some Laws for their Health, which is the greatest Blessing they can enjoy on this side Heaven. The Disease we have been discoursing of all this while, has travelled as it were with a Pass through the better part of the Globe, and yet these worthy Vice-gerents of Heaven sleep as heartily in their Thrones, as if it were not worth their while to take notice of it.

Ga.

Hark ye friend Peter, have a care what you say of Princes: When you talk upon so nice a Subject, keep your Tongue in a sheath, or it may cut your Throat. Lend me your ear, to whisper a word or two to you—.

Pe.

I am

heartily sorry for't, but I am afraid t'will be so as you say to the end of the Chapter.

Ga.

But to pursue our point. How many Ills do you think are occasioned by nasty Wines of the Vintners da∣shing and brewing?

Pe.

Why? if you'll take the Doctor's word for't, one half of the Diseases that carry off so many thousands every Week.

Ga.

And do the Magistrates take no notice of this neither?

Pe.

Poor Men! they are wholly taken up in gathering the King's Customs and Excise. There they are as watchful as Dragons, but mind no∣thing else.

Ga.

If a Woman knows a Man is infe∣cted, and for all that will marry him, she must take what he is pleased to give her for her pains, but can blame no body else. Although if it were my fortune to sit at the helm, I should take care to banish them both from civil Society. But if it was a Woman's hard fate to marry a Fellow that pre∣tended to be well and healthful, but was over-run with this Disease, were I Judge of the Prerogative Court, I should make no scruple to dissolve the Knot, tho' they had been solemnly Married in all the Churches in London.

Pe.

By what pretence I wonder? For when Marriage is once legally con∣tracted, no humane Power you know can disan∣null it.

Ga.

And do you call that a legal Marri∣age which is built upon such horrid Villany and Treachery? The Civilians will tell you that a Con∣tract is not Valid, when a Slave palms himself up∣on a young Girl for a Freeman, and under that sham Marries her. Now the abovemention'd Knight, to whom our poor Lady is sacrific'd, is a Slave, a most abandond Slave to that impe∣rious Distemper the Pox; and his Slavery is so much the more insupportable, in respect he must wear her Livery all the days of his Life, without any

prospect of a Redemption.

Pe.

I protest you have stagger'd me. There is some colour in what you say, but proceed.

Ga.

In the next place, Marriage can only be celebrated between two Persons that are living; but in this case the Woman Marries one, who in the literal Sense of Love is perfectly dead.

Pe.

Ha! you have Arguments at will I see; however I suppose you wou'd give your leave that the Diseased should Marry the Diseased, according to the righteous Proverb of Covent-gar∣den, Clap that Clap can.

Ga.

Why, truly if I were Judge of the Court, or some such great Person, Perhaps for the publick benefit I might suffer them to Marry, but so soon as the Ceremony was over, I wou'd take care to put out one Fire with another, and that a Fag∣got shou'd finish what the other Disease had begun.

Pe.

Ay, but this wou'd be to act like a Tyrant, and not like a Prince.

Ga.

Why wou'd you call that Physician a Tyrant that lopps off a Finger or two, or it may be burns part of the Body, to save the whole? For my part I don't think it Cruelty, but the highest Act of Pity that can be exerted, and it were to be wished that this Course had been taken when this Distemper first appeared in the World, for then the publick Welfare of Mankind had been consulted at the Expence of a few Sufferers. Nay, the French History presents as with an Instance of this Nature.

Pe.

But after all it wou'd be the gentler way to geld, or part them asunder:

Ga.

And what wou'd you have done to the Women, pray?

Pe.

You know Italy affords a certain In∣vention, call'd a Padlock.

Ga.

That is something indeed, for by this means we shou'd be sure to have no Branches from so blessed a Stock; Come, I will own your Method to be the gentler of the two, provided you'll in Compliment own that

mine is the safer. Even those that are castrated have an itching desire upon them, neither is this Infection propagated by one way only, but a thou∣sand; a bare kiss or touch may do it, nay, it may be got by Discoursing or Drinking with the Party In∣fected. Besides, we find that an unaccountable Spirit of doing Mischief is peculiar to this Disease; for those that have it take a delight to propagate the Contagion, tho' it does them no good. Now, if you talk of parting them asunder, they may scamper to other Places, and play the Devil where they are not known; but I hope you'll grant me there can be no danger from the Dead.

Pe.

'Tis certain yours is the safer way of proceeding, but still I much question whether it can be reconciled to that Gentleness prescrib'd us by the Gospel.

Ga.

Pray tell me then whether there's more danger from common Thieves, or such People we have been talking of.

Pe.

I must needs confess, that Mony is not to be put in the same Ballance with Health.

Ga.

And yet we Christians, forsooth truss up a score of House-breakers and Fellons every Sessions; neither does the World as Cenforious as it is, call this Cruelty, but Iustice and Mercy to the Nation in general.

Pe.

Well, but in that case the Party that did the Injury, is fairly hanged out of the way.

Ge.

And are the others then such mighty Benefactors to the Publick? Let us for once suppose that some may get this Distemper by no Fault of their own, tho' under Favour I be∣lieve that not one in ten thousand, but purchased it at the Price of his own Wickedness, yet the Law∣yers will tell you that 'tis Lawful to dispatch the Innocent, if the common Safety of the Republick requires it. For this Reason the Grecians after the Destruction of Troy, put Astyanax, Hector's Son to

the Sword, least he might live to begin the War afresh. Nay, some Casuists will not stick to tell you, that after you have cut a Tyrant's Throat, 'tis no Sin to kill his innocent Children. To carry on this point yet farther, we fine People, that call our selves Christians, are perpetually at War with one another, tho' we know before hand that the great∣est share of the Calamities, occasion'd by War, must light upon those poor. Men that least deserve them. The same thing happens in your Reprisals, or Letters of Mart, as they call them. The Party that did the Wrong is as safe as a Knave in the Ad∣miralty, or Excise Office, but the poor Merchant, who is so far from being Criminal, that perhaps he never heard a Syllable of the Matter in his Life, is fairly plunder'd and stript of all. Now if we have recourse to such bitter Remedies in things, that are not of the last Consequence, I desire to be inform'd what course ought to be taken in an Affair which so highly concerns us?

Pe.

Nay, I must knock un∣der the Table. Your Arguments are too mighty for me to cope with.

Ga.

Take this with you too. So soon as the Plague breaks out in Italy, great care is taken to shut up the Infected house, and the Nurs∣es that look after the Sick, are forbidden to appear abroad. Some Sots call this barbarous Usage; whereas 'tis the greatest Humanity that can be shown; for by this prudent Care the Pestilence sweeps off some half a dozen Folks, and then you hear no more of it; now, can any thing show more Humanity, than to save the Lives of many thou∣sands at so cheap a rate. Others will rail at the I∣talians as a brutal inhospitable People, because when there's but a bare Report of a Plague, they won't suffer a Stranger to come within their Cities in the Evening, but force him to lye all Night in

the open Fields. Now, for my part I look upon it to be Act of Piety, to procure a publick Advan∣tage at so easie a Price, as the incommoding of a few Persons. Some Coxcombs in the World take themselves to be very Stout and Complaisant, be∣cause they dare make a Visit to a Man who is Sick of the Plague, tho' they have no manner of Business with him; so when they come Home, they very fairly give the Infection to their Wives and Children, and, in short, to the whole Family. Nothing can be more stupid than this Fool∣hardiness, more unreasonable than this Complai∣sance? To bring the dearest Persons one has in the World in danger of their Lives merely for the sake of a foolish Compliment or so; yet, after all, there's less to be apprehended from the Plague than from the Neapolitan Disease: The former seldom med∣dles with the Old, and sometimes passes by its next Neighbours; at least, this may be said for it, that it either quickly dispatches a Man out of his Pain, or restores him to his Health much sounder than he was before; whereas the latter is nothing but a perpetual Death, or, to speak more properly, a perpetual Burying. They are cover'd from Head to Foot with Plaisters and Cataplasms, with Salves and Vnguents, and a thousand other Medicaments too nauseous to be mention'd out of an Hospital.

Pe.

What you say is so true, that with reverence to our Betters be it spoken, the same Care at least ought to be taken to prevent so Fatal an Evil, as they take to prevent the spreading of the Leprosy; or if this should be thought too much, no Man ought to let another Shave him, but to be his own Tonsor, and to trim himself by his own Looking-glass.

Ga.

But what will you say now if both Tonsor and Gentleman agree to shut their Mouths?

Pe.

'Tis

to no purpose; the Infection may come out at their Nostrils.

Ga.

Well, but there's a Reme∣dy, to be had for that inconvenience.

Pe.

I long to be informed.

Ga.

They may bor∣row a Device from your Alchymists, and wear a Mask which shall afford them Light through two little glass Windows for the Eyes, and a breath∣ing place for their Mouth and Nostrils through a Horn which reaches from their jaw-bones down to their Back.

Pe.

Why that contrivance wou'd do, as you say, if there was no danger in the touch of their Fingers, Linnen, Comb, and Scis∣sars.

Ga.

I find then the best way will be to let ones Beard grow down to his knees.

Pe.

That's my opinion, and then let us have an Act of Parlia∣ment that the same Man shall not be Barber and Chirurgion too.

Ga.

But that will be the ready way to starve the Barbers.

Pe.

No matter; let them drink less Wine, and lessen their Family Charges, or else (for, I have Compassion for the poor Dogs) ask more for Shaving.

Ga.

So be it with all my heart.

Pe.

Then let a Law be Enacted, that e∣very Man be obliged to drink out of his own Glass.

Ga.

That Law I dare Swear will never go down in Old England.

Pe.

In the next place, let there be a Penalty impos'd for Two to lye in the same Bed, except they are Man and Wife.

Ga.

Agreed.

Pe.

Then as for your Inns, let no Stranger sleep in the same Sheets that any one has lain in before.

G.

What will you do then with Wales and Cumberland, and that most delicious Country beyond the Tweed, where they wash their Linnen but twice a Year?

Pe.

Let them employ more Laundresses. And then let the Custome of Saluting one another with a Kiss be totally abolished, its Antiquity and Vniversality, and all other pretences notwith∣standing.

Ga.

How shall a Man behave himself in private Conversation?

Pe.

Let him have a care of coming too near the Person he talke to, and let him that listens shut his Lips.

Ga.

Why? you undoe all the Coffee-houses and Chocolate-houses at one clap; besides, a Cart-load of Parchment wou'd not be sufficient to contain all these Punctilio's.

Pe.

But all this while you forget the poor Creature that occasion'd this Discourse. What Advice wou'd you give her now?

Ga.

To think of her Mis∣fortune as little as she can, and make the best of a bad Market; to clap her hand before her Mouth whenever her Husband offers to Kiss her; and lastly, when she goes to Bed to him, to put on a Head-piece, and a compleat suit of Armour.

Pe.

And whither do you intend to steer your Course when you leave me?

Ga.

Strait to my Closet.

Pe▪

What mighty work is carrying on there, I beseech ye?

Ga.

They spoke to me to write an Epi∣thalamium, but I design to disappoint them, and write an Epitaph upon this occasion.