The mock-tempest, or, The enchanted castle acted at the Theatre Royal / written by T. Duffett.

Act IV.

Scene. I.

Enter Prospero, and Ariel. Prospero eating a peece of Bread and Butter.

Pros.

NOw does the charm'd impostume of my Plot Swell to a head, and begin to suppurate, If I can make Mantua's Infant Duke, Switchel my young giglet Dorinda. Sincere Quakero to my power bends, And shall with my discreet Miranda yoak, Or be tormented ever here, In my enchanted Castle of Bridewellow. Great pity 'tis — for he's a pretty fellow. Ariel!

Ari.

What says my mighty and most potent Master.

Pros.

How do these right puissant Ragamuffins bear their durance?

Ari.

The Duke with haughty meen, for lack of food, Sits cracking Fleas, and sucking of their blood. With him is good Gonzale.

Pros.

Is he so, Adsbud.

Throwes away his Bread and Butter, in passion.

Ari.

From eyes of Glass the gummy tears that fall Down Iv'ry beard like Christal vermine crawl. The rest are picking strawes, and so that's all.

Pros.

Where is Quakero, that young Princely Sprout?

Ari.

Like Lanthorn-jack I led him all about, And now he's blowing of his nailes without.

Pros.

Alass poor Trout.

Ari.

I have so gall'd 'em, 'twould make your Graces hair stand on end to see how they look; though your heart more stony was then Coblers wax i'th' dog days, 'twould make it in your mouth dissolve like Culvers dung.

Pros.

Do'st thou think so Spirit?

Ari.

It makes mine open and shut, open and shut, like a fat Ho∣stesses greazy Pouch, so it does: and then the poor old Gentleman and her daughters have almost torne one another to peeces— I pity them.

Pros.

And I will— hast thou that art so young a Spirit, so little too—had a touch a feeling of their Case, and shall not I have a rel∣ish? — Well, Ariel go let a Table be brought to them furnish'd with most sumptuous Cates, but when they try to eat, let two great Bab∣boons be let down with ropes to snatch it away.

Ari.

O Sir Punchanello did that at the Play-house.

Pros.

Did he so — then bend thy ayry ear.

whispers

Ari.

More toyle— I pry'thee now let me mind thee of thy pro∣mise then — where is my Two-penny Custard?

Pros.

Ho now moody, doe'st thou murmure?

Ari.

No my Lord!

Pros.

Thou ly'st, Malignant thing, thou dost.

Ari.

I pri'the my Lord, ben't so touchy.

Pros.

Hast thou forgot the hairy Woman I freed thee from, who sent thee ev'ry morning down her Gormandizing throat with a Candle and Lanthorn, to tread the Ooze of the salt deep? — At o∣ther times she made thee pass up against the strong Northern blasts, when the capacious Bay was bak'd with brandy 'till thou hadst clear'd thy passage to her nose, on whose sulph'rous top thou fat'st Singing like a little Chimny Sweeper, hast thou forgot her?

Ari.

No my dread Lord.

Pros.

If thou more murmur'st, in some small dimple of her Cheek I'le peg thee, where Twelve Sommers more thou shalt lye stewing like a Maggot in a Holland Cheese.

Ari.

O pardon great Sir this once, and I will be a good Boy, and never do so more.

Pros.

Then do as I commanded, but make hast least the Conjurers of to'ther House steal the Invention — thou know'st they snatch

at all Ingenious tricks.

Ari.

I fly most potent Sir.

Exit Ariel flying.

Pros.

Now for the infant Duke of Mantua. Hipolito my Child come forth.

Enter Hypolito playing with Nickers.

Hyp.

Anan, anan, forsooth—you Sir, don't you stir the Nickers, I'le play out my game presently.

Pros.

Come gentle youth, exalt thy ducal chin, for thou shalt have a Wife my boy.

Hyp.

A Wife Sir! what's that, I never saw it?

Pros.

No my boy, but they are now so common, young men can hardly walk the streets for them.

Hyp.

Don't go away, you Sir, I do but stay for a Wife, and then Ile play out my game —O good Sir, let me have it quickly.

Pros.

And so thou shalt, for my daughters sake; if he should know Wives were growing out of fashion, I fear he would not marry, for the stripling has a gentile fancy, I see by the neatness of his cloathes.

Hyp.

Will it play at Bullet with me?

Pros.

Ay and Cat, and Trap-ball too.

Hyp.

What is it like Sir? what is it like?

Pros.

'Tis so inconstant I scarce know what to liken it to, 'tis still unsatisfi'd, restless and wrigling like an Eel.

Hyp.

O pray let me have it then; I love Eels mightily.

Pros.

But like an Eel 'twill slip from thee.

Hyp.

But I'le bite it by the tail then, and shake it 'till it lies still.

Pros.

A shrew'd youth! well thou shalt have it, 'tis beautiful as a Colly-flower, but like that too, when 'tis kep'd long, nothing is more unpleasant.

Hyp.

O Sir! I won't keep it long.

Pros.

A very hopeful Lad! —But it won't part from thee.

Hyp.

Then I'le beat it, and kick it, and run away from't.

Pros.

Modishly said y'gad, still hopeful—but she'l save thee that trouble, and leave thee as soon any other will keep her; for she's wild and skittish as an unbackt Colt.

Hyp.

Is it like a Colt? O Lemine! then I'le ride upon't.

Pros.

A lass poor youth! thou wilt soon be tir'd, and thrown off.

Hyp.

No Sir, I shall never be weary of Riding; and I'le hold so fast by the Mane and the Tail, that I won't fall off.

Pros.

O sie, you must not use it like a Beast.

Hyp.

What must I do with it then?

Pros.

Why you must eat and drink with it.

Hyp.

What is it a Fork, and an Earthern-Pot then?

Pros.

No, but she may make Forkes, and crack too many Pots.

Hyp.

Then she shall teach me to make Forks.

Pros.

Hold there, —you must enjoy none but her.

Pros.

Enjoy, ah ha! enjoy! what a word is there? enjoy! O rare! —what is enjoy Sir?

Pros.

Why, that is to be happy.

Hyp.

Enjoy to be happy, then I'le enjoy all the Wives in the World; —For I love to be happy Sir: enjoy!

Pros.

I'le tell you more hereafter; go in and read your Horn∣book, that Treatise of Abstruse Philosophy I gave you last.

Hyp.

I go forsooth.

Exit Hypolito.

Pros.

Now by my best hopes, a shrew'd youth, a very shrew'd youth, and a notable head-peace —I'm glad he's grown so prudent. If all that Marry in this Age of liberty were so Politick, we should see bet∣ter times.

Enter Hypolito crying.

Hyp.

O lo! o lo! o lo! Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Pros.

What's the matter? what grand intrigue of Fate can reach to the disturbance of thy manly Soul?

Hyp.

Manly Soul, quoth a, 'twould disturb any mans Soul: I'me un∣done Sir, while I was talking with you about a Wife, Tom Bully stole away my stones.

Pros.

Hah thy stones, what stones?

Hyp.

Why my bowling stones. O ho ho, now I can't teach my Wife to play Nickers.

Pros.

I'me glad 'tis no worse; O fie, fie my Lord, you must leave off this boyes Play now, and learn to play with Children; go, go in.

Hyp.

By never, I'le pay that Rogue Tom Bully, when I catch him.

Exit Hypolito.

Pros.

Now I must instruct my Daughters. Long sleeps and pleasures follow ev'ry Novice: But plots and cares perplex grave men of Office. Ye Gods! More blest are men of mean and low condition,

Then Bridewell-keeper is, or sage Magician.

Exit Prospero.

Act IV. Scene. II.

Enter Miranda, and Dorinda.

Dor.

OH Sister! I have such a twittering after this Husband, And my mouth doth so run in a civil way.

Mir.

Are you not breeding Teeth Sister?

Dor.

Zooks, if I am the King, shall know't.

Mir.

'Vads Sister, ever since my Father told me of it, which is at least six Hours ago, I can't rest Day, nor Night, for ought I know.

Dor.

Its hole's hereabout, whereof looky' my Father said that it should get me with Child pray.

Mir.

O lo! get you with Child, what's that?

Dor.

I can't tell, but I do so shake and laugh when I think of't.

Mir.

Heigh ho! whereof Sister you are affraid? — Let it come to me, vads Sister I won't be affraid.

Dor.

Zooks Sister, if my Father should send a hundred to get me with Child in a civil way, I wouldn't be affraid.

Mir.

O but Sister, whereof looky', my Father said that a Husband was wild as a Cock-Sparrow or a Curl'd-Lamb, that he did now pray.

Dor.

Then I would chirrip to't, and make it hop, and stroak it, and make it wag its tayl and Cry blea, 'till it 'twas as tame as a little Lap-dog, but my Father says they are always gentle at home: and wild abroad.

Mir.

Whereof Sister heark ye, now lets leave this idle talk, and play the Scotch Morice.

Dor.

Then I'le play forward, and backward, for that's the way now.

Mir.

No I won't play Boyes play, —I'le tell you what, you should be a School Mistriss, and —

Dor.

No Sister, no I'le tell you what? You should be a Citizens Wife pray, and so I should be a Lord looky', and I should come in a Golden-Coach and be your Husbands Customer.

Mir.

Ay 'vads that's pretty.

Dor.

So I should meet you at the Play-House, and say Madam looky' 'tis a thousand pitties such a glazing Di'mond of beauty should be the Slave of a dull Mechanick Cit. and cry what d'ee lack? Whereof you should cry then, O Lord Sir, you are mistaken Zooks.

Mir.

O Lord Sir, you are mistaken Zooks!

Dor.

Then I should say Dam'ee Madam! you are a necklace for a Prince, I'le settle Three Pounds a Year upon you, and you shall have a Silver Baby, and a Silver house, and eat nothing but Golden Custards, and Silver-Stew'd-Pruines: then you should say whereof you have got a Wife of your own, my Lord?

Mir.

Then you should say whereof you have gotten a wife of your own my Lord.

Dor.

Then I should throw my Wig, and say, Oh Madam! if you love me, name her not. She's so dull and musty, the very thought of her will make me swoun, Damher. But you I doat upon. So then you should let me lye with you in a Civil way.

Mir.

O ay, ay, I love that y'vads!

Dor.

And then another should lye with you, and another, so at last you should be catch'd in a Baudy-house with your Husbands under Prentice looky', and so be brought to Bridewell as Mrs. Twee∣dlebum was t'other day.

Mir.

No, no, Sister, I wont play so—I'le tell y' what, lets play Truss-fayl, do pray now Sister.

Dor.

Come then, I'le lye down first.

Mir.

Truss.

Dor.

Fayl.

Mir.

Send me well upon my Grey Nags taile. O Sister, Sister! here's the Husband thing coming.

Enter Hypolito reading gravely in a Horn-Book.

Dor.

Looky, looky, O sweet Father its Leggs are twice as long as ours.

Mir.

What's that before so trim'd up with yellow Pissabeds, and green Blew Bottles.

Dor.

See, see it pulls off half its head.

Mir.

Run Sister, run, I'me so affraid 'twill pull your head off too.

Dor.

Zooks! I would rather lose a hundred Heads if I had 'em, then stir a foot.

Mir.

Oh! it looks angry, I'me so affraid for you Sister.

Dor.

Fear not me, if I offend it, I'le ly down and paw it with my Four-feet, as our Shock does when we beat it.

Pros.

(Within)

Miranda, Miranda!

Dor.

O Sister! my Father calls you,— whereof she sayes she won't come for'oth.

Mir.

She fibs, she fibs Father,—I wou'd come, but I am not here for'oth—you spiteful pissabed Slut.

Dor.

But you are here for'oth.

Mir.

I wonder y'are so simple Sister, as if I could not tell where I am better then you —for ought I know.

Dor.

I will take Husband first that I will.

Mir.

Hussey, am not I the Elder?

Dor.

Then you shou'dn't set your Wit against a Child.

Mir.

Well then Sister, I'le tell y'what, wee'l play heads or tails, who goes first, that's fair now, e'nt it?

Dor.

Ay, and she that don't win shall lose and keep the door.

Mir.

Well ther's a good Girle, now toss up.

Dor.

A ha! my tails turn'd up, you must watch.

Mir.

Good dear Sister have done quickly, prithee do for because you know why Sister.

Exit Miranda.

Hyp.

Prospero has often told me, Nature makes nothing in vain, why then is this kip kap here — tis not aw nor e nor oo, nor lm n o-q-py you —it strangely puzles me; I'le ask him when I see him next.

Dor.

Thing, thing, fine long thing▪

Hyp.

Bessy come bunny, come buy me some lace Sugarcandy, Cloves and Mace. Sure I am ready for a Wife now, I can read my ab∣struse Horn Philosophy.

Dor.

O Rare thing, it talkes just like one of us.

Hyp.

Ha— what thing is that? Sure 'tis some Infant of the Park, drest in her Mothers gayest beams of Impudence, and sent down here to play at Hemp and Beetle; but stay, is not this that thing call'd Wife? What art thou, thou fleering thing?

Dor.

Alass I am a Woman, and my Father says I must be a Wife in a Civil way, pray thing don't be angry.

Hyp.

Angry, no, I'le sooner break my Trapstick; mun if thou art that thing call'd Wife, which troubles poor men so that they can't Wench in quiet—Prospero says that I must enjoy thee.

Dor.

If thou art that thing call'd Husband which art alwayes sul∣len and niggardly at home, but merry and expensive abroad. which feedst a Wife with tripe and Cowes heels, and treatest a Mrs. with Woodcock and Teale, and fine things, and at last turnest off a Wife with just enough to buy Bread and Cheese and worsted Farendine, but maintainst thy Miss like a Princess, my Father says thou must get me with Child for ought I know.

Hyp.

Get thee with Child, O lo! whats that?

Dor.

Whereof I can't tell, but I think you must dig it out of the Parsly-bed.

Hyp.

Show me the Parsly-bed then.

Dor.

I won't, you ha, got nothing to dig with: you said you must enjoy me, what's that pray?

Hyp.

Why Prospero says you are like a Colt, and then you should be backt.

Dor.

Phoe, I won't play so.

Hyp.

Won't you, then look to't, for you are but a Colly-flower, and though y'are so proud to day you'l stink to morrow.

Dor.

Zooks this is the filli'st Husband-thing I ever saw: I'le run into the Garden, and teach him more wit in a civil way.

Hyp.

Nay if you run from me like an Eel, I'le bite you by the tail.

Exeunt running after each ohter.

Pros.

(Within) Miranda! Dorinda! Daughters, Daughters!

Enter Miranda hastily.

Mir.

Oh I'me glad my Father comes, for when Fire and Flax are together, none knows how soon mischief may be done. Dorinda, Dorinda, my Fathers coming.

Enter Dorinda and Hypolito hastily. Hypolito runs off.

Dor.

O Sister pray lets Dance our new Heroick Song that our Father mayn't know who was here.

They Sing and Dance. Enter Prospero observing them.

Mir.

Here comes a lusty Wooer, my dildin, my darling. Here comes a lusty Wooer Lady bright and shining.

Dor.

I Wooe for one of your fair Daughters, my dildin, my darling. I Wooe for &c.—Lady bright &c.

Mir.

I'm glad I have one for you my dild, &c. I'm glad &c.—Lady bright, &c.

Dor.

She looks too brown upon me my dild, &c.

She looks &c.—Lady &c.

Pros.

Enough, enough, all this won't blind me, come, come, come stand, stand you here, and you there, nay, nay, nay, no 〈◊〉〈◊〉.

Mir.

Indeed, and indeed, pray Father, I did but keep the door.

Pros.

Didst thou keep the door for thy younger Sister?

Mir.

Yes forsooth, pray Father, that I did.

Pros.

Blessing on thy pretty heart, cherish that gentile Motherly humour, thou hast a generous Soul; and since I see thy mind so apt to take the light impression of a modish Love, I will unfold a secret to thee — That Creature▪ that thou saw'st, is a kind of a Creature which is much like another Creature, that shall be nameless, and that's Quakero.

Mir.

But Father, pray Father, shall that Quakero Creature be my Husband? You said I should have a Husband before she, that you did.

Pros.

Shortly my Miranda thou shalt see the flower of this bud; this Chit, chit, chit, chit, Cock-sparrow husband may serve thy Sister well enough, thou shalt have a ho-ho-ho-ho-Husband, a Horseman, goin I'le provide for thee.

Mir.

Let me have the ho-ho, quickly then pray Father.

Going out she returns again.

Father, Father, I forgot to make my Cursy; b'wy Father.

Exit Miranda.

Pros.

Come hither Dorinda, why saw you this Husband without my order?

Dor.

Who I! truely I didn't saw'd him 'twas he saw'd me.

Pros.

Come, come, your Sister told me all.

Dor.

Then she fibs for ought I know, for she would ha' seen him first, if I would ha' let her.

Pros.

Tell me what past between you?

Dor.

Nothing pass'd between us but our great dog Towzer.

Pros.

What did he do t'ee? come confess.

Dor.

He did nothing, but I am affraid he wou'd if you hadn't come.

Pros.

Why, why speak out?

Dor.

Because he came towards me with his tail up as stiffe as any thing.

Pros.

Ha, I thought as much; wha what did he do then? the truth, I charge you.

Dor.

Why he did nothing but walk to his Kennel.

Pros.

Walk'd to his Kennel—who?

Dor.

Why our great dog Towzer.

Pros.

Pho, thou understandst me not, what did the Husband-thing do to thee?

Dor.

Why nothing at all, for just as we got to the Parsly-bed, you frighten'd it away.

Pros.

I charge you see it no more, 'twill Poyson you, and make you swell as big as a house.

Dor.

Not see it, I'le run th'rough Nine Walls, but I'le see it, and have it to, though it make me swell 'till I break in peeces.

Pros.

Go get you in, y'are a naughty Girle.

Dor.

The World's come to a very fine pass for ought I know, one can't play with a thing an hour or two alone, or be in bed with a man, but one must be naught: I won't endure it much long, that I wont so.

Exit Dorinda.

Pros.

So—my wishing Pipe Has swell'd my hopeing Cistern to a Flood. Dorind' and Polito's agreed, that's good. Now for Miranda, and the youth Quakero; When they are coupl'd too—there ends my Care'o.

Exit Prospero.

Act IV. Scene III.

Enter Alonzo, Gonzalo, and Antonio.

Gonz.

MY hands are so tyr'd with stareing about for meat, that my feet can look no further—I must rest my old bones.

Alon.

Old Lord I cannot blame thee, for I am seiz'd with such a griping, that I cannot rest. —My Courtyers us'd to tell me I had no humane imperfection; But here I will put off my hose and keep it no longer for my Flatterers

Musick as in Air.

Gonz.

Ha, these are a sort of doggish greedy Devils, come to devour the meat e'r 'tis dish'd up.

Anto.

Do not for one repulse forgo the great design you were about to act.

Gonz.

Oh help, help, something unseen has ty'd my hands behind me.

Alon.

Mine are stollen away too, and 'tis well for 'em, for my mouth is grown so angry for want of meat, that if they should again appear empty it would devour them.

Anto.

Sure tis the Devils hock-tide, for mine are bound too.

Musick.

Alon.

O heark my fiends, I fear we shall behold another horrid sound.

Gonz.

The Devil takes his time when we are bound.

Alon.

He thinks to save his Bacon, feeble feind, But with bound hands our hands we will unbind.

Enter Ariel Singing.

Song.

Dry your eyes, and cease your howling: For your Broath is set a Cooling. While y'are in this Castle staying, Eat and Drink, ne'r talk of paying. Wine and Women here are plenty, You shall tast of ev'ry dainty. And as soon as you are weary, Here are Crowds to make you merry.

Exit Ariel.

Alon.

I marry this is comfortable.

Anto.

No Musick like that which powder'd Beef Sings, A consort of Carrets with hey ding a ding.

Gonz.

Wee'l dye for our meat, then our lives shall maintain. No butt'ring of Parsnips like long live and raign. O for a dainty vision of butter'd Neptunes Tritons And Nereides.

Two Devils descend, bringing down a Table with meat and drink on it.

Anto.

See my Lord a stately Banquet, adzooks!

Gonz.

First come, first serv'd.

Alon.

Happy man catch a Mackarell —But stay is not this meat and drink brought to Poyson us?

Gonz.

Here may be more Spirit of Sulphur: but hungers sharp, and I will tast in spight of the Devil.

Anto.

And I will have a Soop.

Alon.

If both resolve, I'le take my part; Devil do thy worst. As they try to eat, Gonzalo and Antonio are snatch'd up into the Air, and Alonzo sinks with the Table out of sight.

The End of the Second Act.