The Mall, or, The modish lovers a comedy : acted by His Majesties servants.

Actus Quintus,

Scena Prima.

Enter Peg running, after her Sir Ralph.

Sir Ralph.

SWeet Mrs. Margaret don't flye me, I protest Ile do you no harm, alas I'me in distress, and only beg thy assist∣ance.

Peg.

What's the matter Sir Ralph?

Sir Ralph.

Oh I have committed, I dare not tell thee all▪

Peg.

What, Adultery? or Fornication Sir?

Sir Ralph.

Neither, but a worse matter by much, I have kil'd Mr▪ Amorous, and desire you to conceal me a little, I dare not tell my Uncle?

cryes

Peg.

Amorous I'me sure is safe enough, and so is Gracy, what can this fool mean? But I will now make use of him: well though I say it, I am full of device and contrivance:

aside

This accident Sir Ralph is very unlucky, but if you will take my ad∣vice Ile secure you.

Sir Ralph.

Oh any thing dear Mrs. Margaret.

Peg.

And can you keep counsel too?

Sir Ralph.

Yes sure, where my life depends on't?

Peg.

You must then beg leave of my Master, to make a visit to my Mistriss, she is kept a close Prisoner in her Chamber upon some Jea∣lousie that's come into his Noddle, I know you may be admitted.

Sir Ralph.

And what then?

Peg.

Oh let me alone then to work for your safety; do this present∣ly, and before the news of your killing Amorous arrive to his Ear.

Sir Ralph.

I, I, Ile follow your counsel.

cryes

Peg.

There must be something in't, where is the body of this dead Man?

Sir Ralph.

In the appartment of the Garden, but pray say nothing and here's something to close thy mouth.

Exit Sir Ralph.

Peg.

So, I hope this Plot will take, I must next invent a way to let my Mistress know my design, and since I am not permitted to see her, Ile write by this Fop.

Exit Peg.

Enter Mrs. Woodbee, and Clare.

Wood.

What strange misfortune rules the fate of things, the first Revenge that ever I design'd, that it should so unhappily fall on my own head, 'tis too certain that I did meet Courtwell instead of my Husband: And 'tis as certain that he took me for Mrs. Easy, when I consider my condition, I find it every way so deplorable that with∣out some extraordinary change, I shall grow weary of my Life, I am mad, and know not whom to be reveng'd on.

Clare.

Faith Madam, carry on the Intrigue, and let's make a per∣fect Plot on't?

Enter Lovechange

Here comes a principal Engineer in the work.

Lov.

I can't meet this Rascal Courtwell, for though I don't love this foolish Woman, whose jealousie has made me a Cuckold: Yet i'me in honour bound to fight the Villain, 'twas happy as it prov'd, that 'twas not my dear Mistriss, yet either way he merits my chastisement.

aside

Wood.

Oh what shall I do? I have not power to withdraw.

aside

Clare.

All this is my Roguery.

aside

Lov.

Good Evening to you Madam.

Wood.

Why this distance Lovechange?

Lov.

Why these Tears?

Wood.

For your unkindness Sir.

Lov.

'Tis rather Madam, for your own lewdness, come I will not entertain you with the circumstances, but to the business, I will part with you, you know the entertainment which you gave young Court∣well on the River-side i'th Park, I know it too, and wou'd have kil'd you for the deed, but that I know the offence ought to be charg'd on your curiosity, you thought to have met me there.

Wood.

Tis true, and will you punish so severely a fault of Love, alas, I meant no harm.

Lov.

Twas harm to be so curious, to be jealous, and harm to think of cheating me, for so t'had been if I had met you there instead of Mrs. Easy, for I find you knew the design.

Wood.

And are not you as guilty Sir, as I?

Lov.

No, 'tis the scandal makes the sin, and not the action, custome makes it sin to us; when you offend, I bear the dishonour on't, when I, you but the little griefs. In fine, Madam I am resolv'd to part, none knows, as yet, that we are married, and if you please it may be still conceal'd.

Wood.

I've nothing Sir to answer for my self, and since I can't have your heart, I am content to quit your Person too, you know the Articles between us Sir, when I married you, I made you Master of half my Fortune, take it, and what remains I will enjoy my self with, give me your hand— Farewel, I've had an ill bargain of thee, for a poor Months service, thou hast cost me ten thousand pounds.

Well Clare, in this divorce some ease I find, Since I am free, to Courtwell Ile be kind.

Exeunt Clare and Wood.

Lov.

So, I have shook thee off, and with very little remorse too Egad— Thou wer't a good Woman, but thou'rt gone— hang sor∣row— Ile to my sweet, pretty, little, dear Mrs. Easy, and if she can but contrive to do as much for her Husband, as i've done for my Wife, we'le 'en strike up a match A-la-mode.

Exit Lovechange.

Enter Mrs. Easy drest in Sir Ralph's cloaths, and Peg with her.

Peg.

So, so, thus far it has succeeded well.

Mrs. Easy.

I wou'd thou cou'dst but see the Knight drest in my Night-gown, and Linnen, 'tis a sight worth the laughing at, i've charg'd him to sit very pensive, and dark, and to answer for me to every question ask't, if my Husband shou'd come to catechise him.

Peg.

'Twou'd be a Dialogue worth the hearkning too, he know∣ing nothing of your affairs— Tis like his answers must be very proper to the questions.

Enter Mr. Easy.

Uds life Madam, here's my Master, what shall we do?

Mrs. Easy.

Let me alone with him, 'tis pretty dark he can't well distinguish me.

Mr. Easy.

Sir Ralph, when you askt me leave to give a visit to my Wife, I did not desire the doors shou'd have been shut upon you, I hearkned, and must tell you, I believe you were no better then you shou'd be.

Mrs. Easy.

Truth is Sir, since you have found us out, I only pre∣tended to Mrs. Grace, but your Wife was my main design.

Mr. Easy.

How! Why thou impudent Varlet, oh horrible? dar'st thou make me a Cuckold? and tell me so? sirrah I know thou art a Coward, and I will beat thee, yes I dare venture on thee.

Draws

Mrs. Easy.

Nay, then 'tis time to shew a fair pair of heels, farewel Sir, Ile leave your house.

runs out.

Mr. E.

I will not let thee go so, if I have any daring in me.

runs after.

Peg.

'S••ife I know she cannot fight, Ile after her, and see to call some body to her assistance.

runs out.

Enter Lovechange as in a street.

Lov.

I see no light in my Mistresses Chamber, I wonder where they are all, and that Peg brings me no answer.

Enter Mrs. Easy running.

Mrs. Easy.

Lovechange, dear, assist me!

Lov.

What the Devil art thou?

Enter old Easy, and Peg.

Mr. Easy.

Oh thou Traytor to my house, have I trusted thee to this end, to rob me of my Wife and Honour?

Mrs. Easy.

So, I have made fine work—

Lov.

Stay Sir, don't hurt him, for who e're he be, if he have wrong'd your Wife, I will revenge it, thy Arm's too weak for such a glori∣ous deed.

Mr. Easy.

Hey day! another Rival! oh I begin to see I am a most notorious Monster, I dare not encounter him though, but for thee thou villanous Sir Ralph.—

Lov.

Sir Ralph my Rival! — go Sir withdraw, this is not work for you, leave me to be your Champion.

Mr. Easy.

Yes, yes, against my will I do—but I will home and claw my Wife, my fine whorish Wife, away for this.

Exit Easy

Lov.

Now Sir, you and I, must have a touch.

Mrs. Easy.

Or two I hope Lovechange, before we part.

Lov.

Are you so brisk Sir?

Mrs. Easy.

You shall try that anon.

Lov.

Draw then Sir, for I am ready.

Mrs. Easy.

Hold, hold, dear Lovechange, put up, we'l fight it out in another place.

Lov.

My noble Mistriss.

Mrs. Easy.

My dear Lovechange the same, stole out purposely to meet thee, my Husband has found out our Intrigue, and I dare re∣turn no more, Ile tell you all the story at large, let's hast— but whither?

Lov.

I have taken a private Lodging on purpose to night in a friends house, whom I can trust, fear nothing—

Mrs. Easy.

But thy inconstancy, Lovechange.

Lov.

Sooner thy soul may change it's goodness and generosity, or

any thing more impossible, come the Moons up, and we for our more security will go through the Park.

Exeunt omnes

Scene the Park, Enter Perigreen and Courtwell severally

Per.

Here they say he's walking, I long to know the worst of my sad fate, 'tis strange he shou'd not know me, he's here—your Ser∣vant Sir.

Court.

Yours Sir, have you forgiven my Mornings Complement? how does your wound Sir?

Per.

Tis not troublesome.

Court.

Pray Sir, tell me, and tell me seriously, what mov'd you to this rage against me? how came you to be angry? you told me some∣thing of Camilla too, which Sir, has made me thoughtful ever since, are you indeed acquainted with that Lady?

Per.

Yes Sir, most intimately, there's nothing of her soul that's hid from me, she told me how she lov'd, and what false breath betraid her to that weakness.

Court.

Poor Camilla!

Per.

Your pitty comes too late, for Sir she's dead, kil'd by your cruelty, which at once has rob'd the World, and me, of all we held most dear.

Court.

Since she's gone, Ile put this penance on my self; Ile marry nothing that is young, or beautiful.

Per.

But can you talk of marrying any?

Court.

Why not Sir, whilst there be women and money to be had, and I suppose you will be of my mind too.

Enter Lovechange and Mrs. Easy.

Lov.

Ha! Courtwell! come Sir, you and I must Tilt a little.

Court.

How! for what? prithee leave fooling.

Lov.

For several Reasons, but first upon the Widdows score, you have debaucht her Sir.

Court.

What dost mean Ned? I debauch the Widdow?

Lov.

Yes, you Sir.

Court.

Thou'rt mad.

Lov.

No Sir, you have forgot the Lady you made love to, by the Duck-Pond side?

Court.

I had a Lady Sir, but she I thought had been thy Mistress.

Lov.

For that Ile kill thee too if possible.

Court.

That were the juster quarrel of the two, but I have rea∣son too, to fight with thee, who told the Widdow of my being there thinking to undermine me.

Lov.

Come Sir, no argument, but this.

Mrs. Easy.

D'ye hear Lovechange, pray don't fight, for then I must be forc'd to discover my self.

Lov.

This won't satisfie, stand by dear friend, my honour is en∣gag'd, and I must fight,

Court.

I wait you Sir.

Per.

Dear Courtwell, don't fight, for if you dye, Ile wait on you to your Grave.

weeps

Court.

Whence comes this pretty softness? why for me?

Per.

Dost thou not know me yet? Methinks by my faint sigh, thou might'st discover— Thy once lov'd Camilla, at least this voice, might well enough inform thee.

discovers her self

Lov.

This is wondrous!

Court.

Yes I do know thee, and am asham'd to tell thee that I do so.

Mrs. Easy.

What the Devil, i'st a woman all this while?

Per.

I can forgive you, if you can be penitent, but on no other terms.

Court.

I wou'd not ask it any other way.

Per.

Don't let me ask thee that I am asham'd to sue to thee for, can you not guess what 'tis?

Court.

Marry thee, by all that's good Ile do't.

Lov.

This reformation pleases me, and ends our quarrels; come Sir I'me still your friend, if you need my assistance, I am at your service, if not, I have a little peice of transformation here too, that longs to be alone with me.

Court.

A Woman this Ned?

Lov.

Yes indeed, and the same you thought you had possest on the River-side.

Court.

Give me the honour of your hand Madam, and your for∣giveness.

Mrs. Easy.

You have it Sir, and you pretty Sir, I hope we shall be better acquainted hereafter.

Exeunt Lovechange, and Mrs. Easy.

Court.

Come dear Camilla I will loose no time.

Per.

I'me overjoy'd at this return of Love! May every moment the rich store improve.

Ex. Court. and Per.

Scene Mr. Easy's house, Enter Sir Ralph in Womans Cloaths, to him Easy.

Mr. Easy.

One comfort I have yet, that my Wife is in my hands to handle how I please, Ile be reveng'd on her bones however, come impudence let me take you into examination, nay never hide your face, for you are past blushing, come to your Catechise, come.

Sir Ralph.

O Lord! what shall I do now? my Nuncle knows all, and I shall be hang'd.

aside

Mr. Easy.

Hadst thou had fear before thy eyes, thou cou'dst not ha'been, to abomination, wicked?

Sir Ralph.

I, I, 'tis plain, I do confess I am something wicked.

cryes

Mr. Easy.

Are you so? where learnt you this ha? at Church?

Sir Ral.

No indeed Sir, I have not been at Church these many years.

Mr. Easy:

Oh impudence! to confess this to me! was it for this, I took thee into my house? needy, and poor, and made Mistriss of all my family, my goods, my wealth, and now dost thou contrive to Cuckold me, to entertain a lewd Rascal to Whore thee, to mine, and thy eternal shame, what answer canst thou make?

Sir Ralph.

Hey toss! the old Man's mad, what the Devil does he mean now?

aside

Mr. Easy.

You must have your youngster with a Pox to you, I was the old Fool, the Cuckold, the Ass, to bear all, I, what say you in your vindication?

Sir Ralph.

I am in good hope he does not take me, to be me, I were best to say nothing for fear he shou'd know me.

aside

Mr. Easy.

Speak impudence, and tell truth, for it shall be thy last.

Sir R.

How! my last? I had as good speak and be hang'd, as have my throat cut silently, I don't like this same dying of any sort.

aside

Mr. E.

What say you Mrs. Jilt, what say you for your self? not a word? Ile break silence then, take that, and that— and that,

beats him.

Sir Ralph.

Oh Plague of your chastising, hold, hold!

Mr. Easy.

Oh are you plyant, are you Mistriss?

Sir Ralph.

Yes Sir as plyant as you shall be immediately.

Gets a Battoon and beats Easy.

Mr. Easy.

Hold, hold, Murther, murther, dost thou add this to thy other wickedness? of chastising thy own natural Husband.

Sir R.

You lye Sir, you lye, I am none of your Wife, I defie thee, re∣nounce me quickly, or Ile beat thee into nothing.

Mr. Easy.

Renounce thee? yes I do renounce thee, for thou art a most notorious Whore, and I scorn thee.

Sir Ralph.

I will beat thee, till thou deny that too, come Sir about, about, exercise your musty part, come Sir.

beats him agen.

Mr. Easy.

Murther, murther! no help? shall I be kill'd like Acteon with my own Bitch, ha?

Enter Amorous disguis'd, and Grace.

Sir Ralph.

Nay, now I shall be betraid.

Amor.

Dear Madam! why so cruel! let me interpose?

Mr. Easy.

Who art thou.

Amor.

One Sir, related to you now, I am Amorous and thy Kinsman.

Mr. Easy.

How! oh undone! undone!

Amor.

Not so Sir, Grace will give me a better Character, and you must be contented for we are married Sir.

Grace.

Yes indeed Sir, we are married, and beg your good liking of it.

Sir Ralph.

Amorous alive! and married to Grace? nay then 'tis no time to dissemble.

Mr. Easy.

Oh miserable man! Grace married to thee? how many misfortunes arrive on the neck one of another to make me unhappy, my Wife a Whore, and my Neece married, oh, oh, ho.

Sir Ralph.

Nay Sir, Ile keep you company, for I am the misera∣bler man of the two.

Mr. Easy.

Why who are you?

Sir Ralph.

Wou'd I had a Wife, to have been a Whore too for me, wou'd I had been the biggest Cuckold in London, so I had had Grace and all her money.

Mr. Easy.

Worse, and worse! what art thou?

Sir Ralph.

What am I? what shou'd I be? a man as thou art, I am—

Amor.

Sir Ralph Spatter?

Sir Ralph.

Yes, that I am, i'me sure you have us'd me scurvily.

Mr. Easy.

This not my Wife?

Sir Ralph.

No, not your wife Sir, I wou'd I were any thing but Sir Ralph, any thing but damnable cheating, cozening woman.

Grace.

I always told you Sir Ralph, that I wou'd never marry any but Mr. Amorous:

Sir R.

I thought I had made him sure, why Sir if it were not you that was dead? who was it I kill'd?

Amor.

Sir, I will shew you presently.

Goes out, and brings in Jo in Amorous's Cloaths.

Sir Ralph.

How! my own man! Io! nay if I had thought t'had been but him that I kill'd, I had never took this disguise.

Io.

Why Sir, had I been kill'd, you wou'd as soon have hang'd for't, as for Mr. Amorous.

Sir Ralph.

Why, thou wer't not dead then?

Io.

No indeed Sir, which was no fault of yours, but of my own natural ability, for you laid it on, without mercy.

Sir Ralph.

'Tis no matter, why did not you speak then?

Io.

Because you wou'd not let me, nor hear me when I did, but I thank my stars you are serv'd in your kind.

Sir Ralph.

And didst thou know of the going away of these two Lovers?

Io.

Yes Sir, but durst not resist them, I wou'd have pursu'd 'em, had you given me leave to speak.

Sir Ralph.

How got you loose and be hang'd, when the Steed was stoln?

Io.

By great good Fortune, Mrs. Peg coming to look for Mr. Amo∣rous his dead body as you directed, found me, and untying me, saw 'twas I, and conjur'd me in return to that good office, not to come in∣to your presence, till I knew Mr. Amorous, and Mrs. Grace, were married.

Sir Ralph.

How! Rogues amongst our selves? my own servant turn upon me, well Jo, well, Ile be even with thee for this, however I thrive.

Mr. Easy.

Well, since I cannot strive against fate, and that I think I am not long liv'd, I will say Heavens bless you together; and you Sir Ralph, I only desire to know how you came in my Wives Night-cloaths, 'twas not long since you past out of my house, boasting your love for my Wife, and telling me—

Sir Ralph.

Who I Sir, no, no, 'twas not I, alas I flew hither by Peg's advice for refuge, but I find 'twas only a trick to abuse me with, and to help your Wife to make an escape.

Mr. Easy.

Escape! Why, is my Wife gone? nay then by this time she has acted, what before was but design'd, and by this time I am a most formidable monster, however I am arriv'd to this knowledge,

that nothing can oppose a womans will. But Ile be divorc'd from her, and let her see, what her new Gallant will do.

Enter Courtwell, and Camilla.

Mr. Easy.

What's here to do, more mischief? nay, nay, never bow to me, I imagine what 'tis you wou'd say; pardon me Sir for the free∣dom I have taken in chusing a Wife without your approbation, and so forth.

Court.

You are in the right Sir.

Mr. Easy.

Am I so Sir? A Pox take ye all, may you be Cuckolds as great as I am! and have the consolation to know it, as well as I do, with all my heart, I say, with all my heart, de' ye hear?

Enter Mrs. Woodbee and Clare.

Wood.

Sir, I am come, not out of kindness to you, but revenge, to let you know—

Mr. Easy.

That I am a Cuckold, a contented yeilding Cuckold, yes spare your pains, I know't, I know't, Mistriss d'ye hear, I know't, and am contented, and what have you to say to this, ha?

Wood.

I am glad you know your misery as well as I do mine.

Mr. Easy.

Thine? I wish no better companion, much good may it do you, d'ye hear? very much good, oh it lightens my heart!

Wood.

I have a Husband Sir —

Mr. Easy.

Yes, and I have a Wife— Confound her—

Wood.

And do you know my Husband is the man that Cuckolds you?

Mr. Easy.

How! thy Husband! still better, and better! I desire no greater Plague shou'd befall you, then to feel what I doe.

Wood.

You are very uncharitable, but Sir I find my heart much at ease, and since this common Calamity has befal'n me, I am resolv'd to make the best on't, I have put off my Husband, and intend to enter∣tain a Gallant.

Court.

Faith Madam i'me sorry I cannot serve you, for i'me newly entring upon that dangerous Sea, where you have been too lately ship-wrack't.

Wood.

Why Mr. Courtwell, you are not married?

Court.

Yes indeed am I.

Clare.

Faith Madam, i'de 'en think of Mr. Perigreen, he's very pretty, and very young.

Court.

Say'st thou so Clare? to thy hearts breaking, behold, that pretty young Gentleman is become a Lady, and my Wife, Clare.

Clare.

Is he? well there's no trust in humane things! well the Town's wide, and many distressed Gamesters will be glad upon a loosing hand, to be kind.

Wood.

Nay if Mr. Courtwell be gone, I will never think of his Sex more, but thus kind Ile be to Lovechange, to beg of you Mr. Easy, to resign your Wife to him, being much fitter to be his Mistress.

Mr. Easy.

I do renounce her, let her do what she will, Ile have a Mistriss too, and will be young agen, what say you Betty?

Betty.

Sir, I never lik't an old man much, especially having been so lately a Lady to a young Knight.

Sir Ralph.

Sure Jo, Ile take thy counsel, 'twere simple to go home and be laught at, as all the Country will do, if I return without a wife.

Io.

Besides Sir, you will have your thousand pounds agen.

Sir Ralph.

I, I, I consider'd that too man! come Mrs. Betty if you think fit, Ile 'en take you instead of Mrs. Grace, ungrateful Grace. —

Grace.

Indeed Sir Ralph, she'l make a good wife.

Sir Ralph.

She's the worse for thy recommendations, but however she shall take the wall of her Mistriss.

Mr. Easy.

Well said Sir Ralph, I like your resolution, I will be young agen, and gay, and I will like every Extravagance, here take Betty, and we'l send for the musick; I will dance, and forget all sor∣row, oh that my Wife, my kind, my handsome young Wife, were here now, I wou'd give her to Lovechange, yes heartily, and wish 'em joy together, come, some musick there, I will not ask you Amorous, what settlement my Neece has, for I believe she deserves none, they will be all alike, all turn— 'tis no matter what— nor you Ne∣phew, I will not ask what Fortune your Wife has, for be she rich, or be she poor, she will prove an errant— Much good may't do you Sir, I am young agen, and will live as lewdly as the best of you, come fall to dancing, be merry, very merry, whilst you may, for sorrow will come fast enough Ile warrant ye, come, come, to Frisking, to Frisking.

They Dance.

Enter Lovechange and Mrs. Easy in Masquerade.

Lov.

By your leave Sir—

Mr. Easy.

Gentlemen y'are welcome, very welcome.

Mrs. Easy.

I doubt you wou'd recall that word, if you knew who we were.

Mr. Easy.

You are mistaken Sir, I care not if you be Lovechange, and my quondam Wife, d'ye hear, you are still welcome.

Lov.

Say you so Sir, then have at ye.

discovers

Mr. Easy.

So, I like this well, I am pleas'd, wondrous pleas'd, here Sir, instead of affronting you, I will present you, come Sir, never hang back, I know you well, here— live— and lye— and be hang'd — together if you please, with all my heart d'ye hear? I am not angry, no the business is done, I am a Cuckold that's not my fault, but I will not be a Fool, and so, much good may it do you kindly.

Mrs. Easy.

Well Sir, I thank you, 'tis no disgrace to be a Mistriss as the World goes.

Lov.

Faith Sir, in this gift, you have been so generous, and obli∣ging, that I have nothing to return but my Wife, by my troth Sir, try her, your Nephew has found her brisk and active, she's a good soul, she made an excellent Wife for the time, perhaps she may re∣pair by you, the loss she has sustaind by me.

Easy.

But while these gods Almighty, Guinneys reign,

shews a purse

The needy Miss, though chast, can scarce contain Religion, and her Hosts of Vertues, prove Too yeilding, to resist such pow'r of Love. Jove never rain'd in Gold, but you found Laps, Without respect to after Thunder-claps: The loose Gallant grown poor, must yeild, and then Hey for old Wine, old Treasures, and old Men.