The lover's luck a comedy as it is acted at the theatre in Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields by His Majesty's servants / written by Mr. Dilke.

SCENE Walks.

Bellair and Jocond.

Bell.

THese are the Walks—But I see nothing of them yet.

Joc.

Ne'er doubt their being here anon, Sir.—I question not but she is as intent upon the Matter as your self.

Bell.

Sirrah, hunt about, and be as vigilant as a Lynx—You shall meet with me hereabouts.

Joc.

I'll secure you, Sir, my part shan't be wanting—I'll say that for my self, there is ne'er a Puppy-dog in the Kingdom better taught to seek out and find, than I am.

[Exit.

Bell.

For my life I can't find out the true nature of Woman—not a single motion of their Minds, but seems irregular—their Thoughts and Resolves no sooner bubble up, but they break and are dissipated with the same puff of Air, that first rais'd 'em—the Composure of their Souls is too light and unsuitable for the strength of their Charms; which have power to oppress with a delight, and to enslave with a pleasure, whilst with a secret Joy, we lose our selves, and blindly trace the mazing Labarinths of Love.

[Exit.

Enter Eager, talking with Goosandelo.

Eag.

'Tis no otherwse than I expected—'Sbud, Sir, you look very charm∣ing— with this Presence you have power to kill like Lightning at a distance— 'Tis but clapping your Hat before your face, and taking it away again of a sud∣den— Flash, if ere a Woman in Christendom would not fall as flat as a Floun∣der, I'd perish.

Goos.

May be so, I now—Ha bien ajusté; let me die, Eager, I think thou do'st not flatter me.

[Looking in his Glass, and pruning himself.

Eag.

Flatter you!—You can't be flatter'd, your Perfections are unspeak∣able.

Goos.

I have now put on most of my Graces, in order to the celebrating my Nuptials.

Eag.

Why, the Bride can't choose but think she has got a Young God in her Arms.

Goos.

Gad I am a Violent Fool to make Love to Mortals, paultry flesh and blood—I should reserve my self for Nymphs and Goddesses.

Eag.

No doubt they'll come in search of you; if you'll have but patience— Was you ne'er attack't with a Succubus yet?

Goos.

Succubus, succubus, who's she? Some forreign Princess! is it not?

Eag.

No Sir, no; they are black-ey'd Ladies of the Royal Blood of Pluto—

when they find a Man that's cast in something more than Humane Mould, you appear to be; they slip gently into his Bed when he's fast a-sleep,—clasp▪ their airy Limbs about him, and so enjoy him in a Dream.

Goos.

Pox on 'em, if those are they I have 'em ev'ry Night;—they harass me off my Legs.

Eag.

They are very busie when they find out such a compleat, sweet, youth∣ful Person as your self, especially if he's a Lover of Provocatives, such as Shell∣fish, Cavere, Eringo-roots, Pistachoo-past, Spanish Chocolate, &c.

Goos.

There's the business then, for I violently love all such things;—but, Eager, there's a great bulky Volume of the Law, a Favourite of the Alderman's, hankers after my Mistress.

Eag.

I know him, Breviat: Dam him, next time you see him in your Mi∣stresses Company, kick him, he dares not fight:—To my knowledge he's as fraid of a drawn Sword as an Atheist is of Thunder.

Goos.

Wou'd I were sure of that,—not but that I know it impossible for a∣ny Man to supplant my Interest in her; but I wou'd not have her blow'd upon by the breath of such a Bear, and I am so passionate, that I protest I dare scarce trust my self with repairing my own Injuries:—Can'st not get him mur∣ther'd for me?

Eag.

It will be something chargeable if you'll have it done decently.

Goos.

Decently? No, no, butcher him any how, his foul Carcass does not de∣serve a jauntee thrust, else I'd do it my self.

Eag.

First do you beat him, if he mutters I'll take him to task.

Goos.

Let me die, Jack Eager, thou'rt a very honest fellow;—prithee accept of this, and stand my Friend; [gives him Money.] thou shalt stay with me:—If he comes, you and I and my Footmen will trounce him, I'gad,—we'll sacrifice him, a Dog, a Rogue, a Son of a Whore.—

Enter Breviat.

—O Lord, here he comes,—don't take any notice of it, for I ben't in a quarrelling temper at present.—Your Servant, good Mr. Breviat,—I must own I never had any esteem for a Man of your Profession till your Worth laid an Embargo on me and my Services.

Brev.

Pray, Sir, trade freely with your Services where you please;—I fear your Stock is so low, that you are not able to fraight for a Passage, were it only to cross Covent-Garden, to give an account how your Complection heightens.

Goos.

What, do you intend to be sharp upon me?—if you do, look to your self, for I'll ••serk you with Repartee, I'll promise you.—Eager, this is the Gentleman that's like to carry the great Fortune, Mrs. Purflew.

Brev.

'Twill be impossible if you make Pretensions, Sir.

Goos.

Oh, Sir, I protest every moment, you make fresh Discoveries of your Sence and Judgment.—Let me perish if I han't forgot to be put on my Scented Leather-Shooes.—Gentlemen, a matter of high concern requires my attending upon my self to my own Apartment.

[Exit.

Brev.

Was there ever such a Fop in Nature?—and yet they tell me, that the Ladies dote on such Fools.

Eag.

That the Ladies love Fools is true enough, but they must be Harmless, Credulous, Passive Fools, not such a Self-admiring Fool, as Mr. Goosandelo is, that insists so much on the Theme of his dear self, that he can't afford the fair Sex their share of Worship and Flattery.

Brev.

That I believe is very true.

Enter Sapless and Vesuvia; Sapless making awkard Love apart.

Eag.

Then a Country Eldest Brother Fool, goes down very well with a La∣dy, though she be a Woman of good Sence, such as there's a pattern of [point∣ing to Sapless] and she will very lovingly take into her Arms his Worship's lump of animated Earth, though the Blockhead's Brains were compos'd of the worst Mud about his Estate.

Brev.

But still I apprehend some danger from this Coxcomb Goosan∣delo.

Eag.

When you see him in your Mistresses Company affront him;—Pull him by the Nose; all Women hate a Coward, as much as they do the Man that deals sincerely with their Looks or Conduct;—and I am confident he dare not resent it.

Brev.

Are you sure of it?

Eag.

As sure as that a London Justice go's snacks with Pick-pockets, or that his Clerk gathers Contribution round the Whores Quarters.—Your Man of Dress is ever too nice for a Quarrel,—he has just now own'd that he fears you'll take occasion to fall out with him.

Brev.

'Sbud, I'll do't then. But he has been▪ at Paris, and has learnt how to push Mathematically, and kill by Demonstration.

Eag.

If he comes to pushing, let me alone with him. I'gad I am as ready at whipping Men through the Lungs as a Smithfield Cook is at spitting of Pigs at a Bartholomew Fair.

Brev.

Stick to me, honest Eager, in this Business, and there's a token of En∣couragement for you.—I must step to a Gentleman's Chamber, I'll be here again in a moment.

[Exit.

Eag.

Well, noble Squire, hey for Cheshire, how proceed you with the La∣dy, ha?

Sap.

Marry, Maister Eager, we fadgen prattily:—I ha fast hold on her, and I con but keep her:—But they sen in our Country, that he that has holt on a young Woman has got a slippery Eel by the Tail.

Sapless hold∣ing Vesuvia by the Skirts of her Gown.

Eag.

Spear her then, Squire, and that will secure her.

Sap.

'Sflesh, and so I wood, on I cou'd but lighten on her on a Sond-bed:—Nea, what sen yo, Mistress?

Ves.

I say, it's very hard for a poor weak Woman to withstand your strong and pressing Importunities.

Eag.

Do you think you can dispense with a Country-life, Madam?

Ves.

No doubt I shall be happy with my pritty Squire in any place.

[Chucks him under the Chin.

Sap.

Oh, we han huge merry Folks in Cheshire!—I'se mind my Horses and my Dogs, and yo san take care o'th' Dairy and feeding o'th' Swine;— and then at Night to Bed, to play at high Gaffer hoop, old Lass.

Eag.

Come, make no bones on't, there's a Spiritual Flesh-broker lives hard by, that will mould you both up into one Mass of Flesh and Blood in a trice.

Sap.

Mass I'se lead her thither then. [Hawls her by the Tail, and Sings.] Come away, come away; sweet if thou lov'st, come away.

Enter Bellair.

Eag.

Coll. Bellair, you are come to the Conclusion of a merry Bargain: here's a Couple just going to be Priest-link'd;—you shall see Madam Vesu∣via the Honourable Lady Sapless in a little while.

Bell.

Ay?—Are you the Son of Sir Thomas Sapless of Cheshire, Sir?

Sap.

Yea, b'Mass, I am his Son and Heir too, as God wou'd hea it.

Bell.

Your Father, Sir, was an honest Gentleman, and a very good Friend of mine.

Sap.

So he was of mine, Sir, to die in good time and leave me the Estate.

Eag.

So,—here's all at an end, I fear;—we shall have that imperti∣nent mischievous thing call'd Honour, spoil this business, I'faith.

[Aside.

Bell.

I vow, Madam, I must do that piece of Justice to my old Friend, to put a stop to this Affair;—I can't in Honour do otherwise.

Eag.

I thought so, I'saith,—'tis time for me to be gone, lest for the sake of his old Friend, he should think fit to break my Bones out of a point of Ho∣nour too.

[Aside and Exit.

Ves.

Pray what do you mean, good Mr. Collonel? do you think with your Flams to make a breach betwixt our true Conjugal Love and Affection?—Don't believe a word he says, Squire.—Sir, you have nothing to do with Mr. Sapless,—he is my lawful Husband already; he has promis'd me, and that's enough;—and I'll have him if all the Law in the Kingdom will get him me, that I will, ye Scarlet Scarecrow, ye tool of Death and Destruction.

Bell.

Hold your noise, for 'tis to no purpose:—Mr. Sapless, you were upon the brink of Ruine, and going to marry a Doll Common, therefore come along with me,—I'll make you sensible of the piece of service I do you,— and for this time put you into secure Hands.

Sap.

Marry, and may be yo tel'n me nothing but what's truth, and therefore, as they sen in our Country, Two words a bargain, I'll look before I leap, so I will.

Bell.

Come away, Sir, pray come along with me.

Exeunt Bell. and Sap.

Ves.

What? do you think to run away with my Husband? I'll have him; I tell you, I'll have have him in spight of you,—ye paultry, filthy Upstart you.

[Exit:

Enter Mrs. Purflew and mrs. Plyant.

Purf.

It's pleasant being abroad this Evening.

Ply.

I am glad it draws so near Night, I would willingly be Femme Covert under the lusty Lawyer:—Here he comes, I vow; I find he has follow'd us upon the dry scent.

Enter Breviat.

Purf.

What are you upon the hunt for, Spark?—Some Vizor-Mask to put Law-Cases to.

Brev.

I am come, Madam, to retrieve a purloin'd Heart,—I have issu'd out a Writ de Corde Replegiendo, and it is return'd Elongat' by your Ladiship.

Purf.

You make very learned Love, this might take with some old Westminster-Hall Trotter.

Brev.

I had rather referr my Bus'ness with you, Madam, to the Abby than to the Hall at present.

Purf.

That you mayn't be out of your Road, I'll entertain my Cousin here to put in my Plea.

Ply.

I fear I shall betray your Cause for self-interest, as all Lawyers do;—I must plead guilty, and put in Security for restoring the lost Heart, for which, Sir, I'll be bound body for body.

Brev.

I can't except against the Bail;—but if I had it under the Lady's Hand and Seal 'twere sufficient.

Enter Goosandelo.

Purf▪

What, would you be hooking me into Contract?—If you are so mistrustfull before-hand, I may well judge of your Jealousie afterwards;—and so, Mr. Lawyer, you may turn over another leaf, for you'll find nothing to your purpose here, I'll promise you.

Goos.

How's this? my Mistress hot upon the Lawyer? I am glad to see that, I faith.—What now, Black-Box, with Broad-Seal of Yellow Wax?—for such seems your Face afixt to your Body when your Gown's on: What receiving Reprimand at the Bar, ha?

Brev.

What make you ask?—thou Composition of persum'd Past work'd up by the Hands of Quack Operators, thou hast nothing of thy own about thee, but thy Sence, that indeed seems thine by making so dull a forc'd Jest, and af∣terwards explaining it.

Purf.

Do you think this is very becoming, Gentlemen, before us?

Goos.

I apprehended this Lawyer had some-how disoblig'd you, Madam, and so look'd upon my self bound in honour to engage on your Ladiship's side.

Brev.

'Sbud I'll venture to affront him.

[Aside.

Purf.

I beseech you, Sir, if you must engage, let it be for your self.

Goos.

My self? so now I have a good subject, Madam, I am—

Purf.

Hold, Sir, if you once begin to talk of your self, we shall ne're stop your Mouth, therefore you shall hear me handle that Subject concisely:—You are a vain, noisy, empty, insipid—

Brev.

Fool.

Goos.

How's this, Sir, is it manners thus to take the Fool out of a Lady's Mouth?

Ply.

I think, Gentlemen, it would be Manners to share your Discourse so, that you might by turns entertain us both.—I han't had a syllable from either of you yet.

Goos.

That's because this Body of the Law has interpos'd; I know my self ac∣complish'd with all the Rules of general Conversation, and have suitable Sayings for all Complections.

Ply.

I am no stranger, Sir, to your most refin'd way of Discourse.

Goos.

You confound me, Madam, with your Encomium, tho I must own the justice of it: Now for you, Madam, [to Purf.] let us look fix'd on each other a while, that I may drink up your Eyes with mine;—and I that look so brillant with my own, how glorious shall I appear with the addition of your Rays?

Purf.

Still you take care to squeeze in your self;—I believe you would suffer more patiently the loss of your Mistress,—than be depriv'd of that dear Self-Opinion;—and in my Conscience you undergo more hazard of being jilted by your self, than by the most subtle of our Sex.

Goos.

What, Madam, do you design to be severe upon me, but I have be∣thought my self of a sure way of overpowring you, [Clapping his Hat before his Face, and taking it away again of a sudden:] Flash, flash, I'gad you're fix'd and transfix'd.—What, Lawyer, are you Thunder-struck too?

Brev.

What a pox can you mean by this Foppery and Impertinence?

Purf.

Come, Couz. let us slip into another Walk, and leave the Blockheads to wrangle by themselves.

[Exeunt Purf. and Ply.

Goos.

What was that you said, Sir Foppery and Impertinence;—you lye Sir, Foppery in the Face of you, and Impertinence upon your back-side.

[Hits him a slap in the Face, and a kick on the Breech.

Brev.

Say you so, Sir? Come on, Sir.

Goos.

A Fool, Sir.

Brev.

The Lye and a Kick, Sir?

They often draw their Swords part of the way out, and slip them up again by turns.

Goos.

Impertinent Fop, Sir.

Brev.

Ay, Sir.

Goos.

Then no more to be said, Sir.

Brev.

Then no more to be said neither, if that be all; and so farewell till I meet you next.

[Exit.

Goos.

Fare you well too, if you be so huffish.

Enter Bellair.

Bell.

I was coming, Sir, with what haste I was able, to prevent mischief, but I find your Prudence has over-ballanc'd your Passion.

Goos.

I'gad, Sir, we were very near it;—had I drawn an Inch farther, my Sword had been unsheath'd, and then by this time, this spot of Ground had been delug'd with a Crimson Flood.

Bell.

You keep the Field, I see.

Goos.

Yes, Sir, the Enemy fled not being able to make Head against the terrour of my Puissance,—and e're he rallies again I'll pursue and perfect my Con∣quest.

[Exit contrary way to Breviat. Enter Mrs. Purflew and Mrs. Plyant.

Purf.

What are become of the Combatants?—We saw the desperate Action through the Hedge.

Bell.

Ha, ha; they have taken different Routs, I suppose, to prevent meet∣ing again, tho, as far as I see, they may do it safely at any time;—they are certainly acting a Farce, or they are the rankest Cowards upon the face of the Earth.

Ply.

They are very much in earnest, I'll assure you, Sir, and the Prize they contest for, no less a Stake than this Lady.

Bell.

I fear it would be very hazardous for the Lady to trust her Honour un∣der either of their Protections.

Purf.

I shall take care never to bring my Honour so far in question to need a Champion for its Defence.

Bell.

The most virtuous, Madam, may be subject to Detraction▪

Purf.

And a publick Vindication seldom abates the Scandal,—Innocence is the surest Guard and the best Defence against a Reproach.

Bell.

Now your hand is in, pray Madam, give your Reasoning Faculty the liberty of determining what ought to be the recompence of an unsullied Faith, and how long a time is requir'd to be convinc'd of the reality of Pretensions.

Purf.

'Tis easily answer'd, Sir,—if that Faith respects a Reward, it seems to be too selfish, and therefore deserves none;—and if those Pretensions grow faint, and weary, it's a sign they were never real, and therefore ought not to be valu'd.

Ply.

Perhaps, Sir, I can give you a more satisfactory Answer;—hark ye, a word in your Ear.

[Whispers.

Purf.

I vow, Couzin, the Air grows so very cool, it's time we should be go∣ing, come away.

Ply.

Adieu, Sir,—I know we shan't be long before we see you.

[Exit Purf. and Ply.

Bell.

Come in disguise, bring a Parson with me and Jocond Mask'd in a Woman's Habit, this exactly agrees with what the Boy said:—Now me∣thinks the ineffable Joys begin to appear in view, a sudden 〈◊〉〈◊〉 shoots

through my Veins;—my Blood moves quick, and my Breast heaves high, as doubting their force to sustain the approching Bliss, my hasty Thoughts antici∣pate the flowing Pleasures, and leave me all dissolv'd with the power of Ap∣prehension.

[Exit.