The works of Mr. John Cleveland containing his poems, orations, epistles, collected into one volume, with the life of the author.

The Character of a London-Diurnal.

A Diurnal is a puny Chronicle, scarce Pin-fea∣ther'd with the Wings of Time. It is a Histo∣ry in Sippets: The English Iliads in a Nutshel: The Apocryphal Parliament's Book of Maccabees in single sheets. It would tire a Welshman to reck∣on up how many Aps 'tis removed from an Annal: for it is of that Extract, only of the younger. House, like a Shrimp to a Lobster. The Original Sinner in this kind was Dutch, Gallobelgi•…•…us the

Protoplast, and the modern Mercuries but Hans-en∣kelders. The Countess of Zoaland was brought to bed of an Almanack, as many Children as days in the year. It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Linage, so she spawns the Diurnals, and they at Westminster take them in Adoption by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, Britannicus. In the Frontispeice of the old Beldam Diurnal, like the Contents of the Chapter, sitteth the House of Commons judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. You may call them the Kingdoms Anatomy before the weekly Kalen∣dar; for such is a Diurnal, the day of the Month with what Weather in the Commonwealth. It is taken for the Pulse of the Body Politick, and the Emperick-Divines of the Assembly, those Spiritu∣al Dragooners, thumb it accordingly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis; and those Grave Rabbies (though in the point of Divinity) trade in no lar∣ger Authors. The Country-carrier, when he buys it for the Vicar, miscals it the Urinal; yet properly enough, for it casts the Water of the State ever since it staled Blood. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devil and his Exorcist, or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whose office is to unravel her Enchantments.

It begins usually with an Ordinance, which is a Law still-born, dropt before quickned by the Roy∣al Assent. 'Tis one of the Parliament's By-blows, Acts only being Legitimate, and hath no more Sire than a Spanish Gennet that is begotten by the Wind.

Thus their Militia, like its Patron Mars, is the Issue only of the Mother, without the Concourse of Royal Iupiter: Yet Law it is, if they vote it, in

defiance to their Fundamentals; like the old Sex∣ton, who swore his Clock went true, whatever the Sun said to the contrary.

The next Ingredient of a Diurnal is Plots, hor∣rible Plots, which with wonderful Sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Causes before Materia prima can put on her Smock. How many such fits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdom; and for all Sir W. E. looks like a Man-Midwife, not yet delivered of so much as a Cushi∣on? But Actors must have Properties; and since the Stages were voted down, the only Play-house is at Westminster.

Suitable to their Plots are their Informers, Skip∣pers and Taylors, Spaniels both for the Land and Water. Good conscionable Intelligence! For however Pym's Bill may inflame the reckoning, the honest Vermine have not so much for Lying as the Publick Faith.

Thus a zealous Botcher in Moorfields, while •…•…he was contriving some Quirpo-cut of Church-Go∣vernment, by the help of his outlying Ears and the Otacousticon of the Spirit, discovered such a Piot, that Selden intends to combat Antiquity, and maintain it was a Taylor's Goose that preserv'd the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more •…•…ll-to-be-traytor'd, for dealing with the Lyons to settle the Commission of Array in the Tower. It would do well to cramp the Articles dormant, be∣sides the opportunity of reforming these Beasts of •…•…he Prerogative, and changing their profaner •…•…ames of Harry and Charles into Nehemiah and Eleazar.

Suppose a Corn-cutter, being to give little Isaac a cast of his Office, should fall to paring his Brows (mistaking the one end for the other, because he branches at both) this would be a Plot, and the next Diurnal would furnish you with this Scale of Votes.

Resolv'd upon the Question, That this Act of the Corn-cutter was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Char∣ter in the representative forehead of Isaac.

Resolv'd, That the evil Counsellours about the Corn-cutter are Popishly-affected, and Enemies to the State.

Resolv'd, That there be a publick Thanksgiving for the great deliverance of Isaac's Brown-antlers; and a solemn Covenant drawn up to defie the Corn-cutter and all his Works.

Thus the Quixots of this Age fight with the Windmils of their own heads, quell Monsters of their own Creation, make Plots, and then discover them; as who fitter to unkennel the Fox, than the Terrier that is part of him?

In the third place march their Adventures; the Roundheads Legend, The Rebels Romance; Sto∣ries of a larger size, than the Ears of their Sect, a∣ble to strangle the Belief of a Solifidian.

I'll present them in their order. And first as a Whister before the show enter Stamford, one that trod the Stage with the first, travers'd his ground, made a Leg and Exit. The Country people took him for one, that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morrice through the West of England. Well, he's a nimble Gentleman; set him upon Banks his Horse in a Saddle rampant, and it is a great question which part of the Centaure shews better Tricks.

There was a Vote passing to translate him with all his Equipage into Monumental Gingerbread; but it was crossed by the female Committee, alled∣ging that the Valour of his Image, would bite their Children by the Tongues.

This Cubit and half of Commander, by the help of a Diurnal routed his Enemies fifty miles off. It's strange you'll say, and yet 'tis generally be∣liev'd, he would as soon do it at that distance as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword for which the Weapon-salve was invented; that so wounding and healing (like loving Correlates) might both work at the same removes. But the Squib is run to the end of the Rope: Room for the Prodigy of Valour. Madam Atropos in Breeches, Waller's Knight-errantry; and because every Mountebank must have his Zany, throw him in Hazlerig to set off his Story. These two, like Bel and the Dragon, are always worshipped in the same Chap∣ter; they hunt in couples, what one doth at the head, the other scores up at the heels.

Thus they kill a man over and over, as Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalms with another of the same; one chimes all in, and then the other strikes up as the Saints-Bell.

I wonder for how many Lives my Lord Hopton took the Lease of his Body.

First Stamford slew him, then Waller out-kill'd that half a Barr; and yet it is thought the sullen Corps would scarce bleed, were both these Man∣slayers never so near it.

The fame goes of a Dutch Headsman, that he would do his office with so much ease and dexteri∣ty, that the Head after Execution should stand up∣on

the Shoulders. Pray God Sir William be not Proba∣tioner for the place; for as if he had the same knack too, most of those whom the Diurnal hath slain for him, to us poor Mortals seem untoucht.

Thus these Artificers of death, can kill the Man without wounding the Body, like Lightning, that melts the Sword, and never singdes the Scabbard.

This is the William whose Lady is the Conque∣ror; This is the City's Champion and the Diur∣nals delight; he that Cuckolds the General in his Commission; for he stalks with Essex, and shoots under his Belly, because his Excellency himself is not charged there; yet in all this triumph there is a Whip and a Bell; translate but the Scene to Roundway down, there Hazelrig's Lobsters turn'd Crabs, and crawled backwards; there poor Sir William ran to his Lady for an use of Consolation.

But the Diurnal is weary of the arm of flesh, and now begins an Hosanna to Cromwel; one that hath beat up his Drums clean through the Old Testament; you may learn the Genealogy of our Saviour by the names in his Regiment: the Muster∣master uses no other List but the first Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bringing in of Foreigners, when themselves en∣tertain such an Army of Hebrews? This Cromwel is never so valourous, as when he is making Speeches for the Association; which nevertheless he doth somewhat ominously with his Neck awry, holding up his ear as if he expected Mahomet's Pigeon to come and prompt him. He should be a Bird of Prey too by his bloody Beak: His Nose is able to try a young Eagle, whether she be lawfully begot∣ten.

But all is not Gold that glisters. What we wonder at in the rest of them is natural to him, to kill without Bloodshed; for the most of his Tro∣phies are in a Church-window, when a Looking∣glass would shew him more Superstition. He is so perfect a hater of Images, that he hath defaced God's in his own Countenance. If he deals with men, 'tis when he takes them napping in an old Monument, then down goes Dust and Ashes, and the stoutest Cavalier is no better. O brave Oli∣ver! Time's Voyder, Subsizer to the Worms, in whom Death, who formerly devoured our Ancest∣ors, now chews the cud. He said Grace once as if he would have fallen aboard with the Marquess of Newcastle; nay and the Diurnal gave you his Bill of fare; but it proved a running Banquet, as appears by the Story. Believe him as he whistles to his Cambridge-Teem of Committee-men, and he doth Wonders. But holy Men, like the holy Lan∣guage, must be read backwards. They rifle Col∣leges to promote Learning, and pull down Chur∣ches for Edification. But Sacrilege is entail'd up∣on him. There must be a Cromwel for Cathedrals as well as Abbeys; a secure sin, whose offence car∣ries its pardon in its mouth: for how shall he be hang'd for Church-robbery, that gives himself the benefit of the Clergy!

But for all Cromwel's Nose wears the Dominical Letter, compar'd to Manchester, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy-day. This, this is the Man of God, so sanctified a Thunderbolt, that Bur∣roughs (in a proportionable Blasphemy to his Lord of Hosts) would style him the Archangel giving battel to the Devil.

Indeed as the Angels each of them makes a seve∣ral Species; so every one of his Souldiers makes 〈◊〉〈◊〉 distinct Church. Had these Beasts been to enter into the Ark, it would have puzzled Noah to have sorted them into pairs. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was so many Sects twisted into an Asso∣ciation.

They agree in nothing, but that they are all Ada∣mites in understanding. It is a sign of a Coward to wink and fight, yet all their Valour proceed•…•… from their Ignorance.

But I wonder whence their General's Purity proceeds; it is not by Traduction: If he was be∣gotten a Saint, it was by equivocal Generation, for the Devil in the Father is turn'd Monk in the Son, so his Godliness is of the same Parentage with good Laws, both extracted out of bad Manners; and would he alter the Scripture, as he hath at∣tempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and say to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he that put out one of the Kingdom's Eyes by clouding our Mother-University; and (if this Scotch Mist farther prevail) he will ex∣tinguish the other. He hath the like quarrel to both, because both are strung with the same Optick Nerve, Knowing Loyalty.

Barbarous Rebel! Who will be reveng'd upon all Learning, because his Treason is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnal as yet hath not talk'd much of his Victories, but there is the more behind; for the Knight must always beat the Giant, that's re∣solv'd.

If any thing fall out amiss which cannot be smo∣ther'd,

the Diurnal hath a help at maw. It is but putting to Sea and taking a Danish Fleet, or brew∣ing it with some success out of Ireland, and then it goes down merrily.

There are more Puppets that move by the wyre of a Diurnal, as Brereton and Gell, two of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 his Petty-toes, such sniveling Cowards, that it is a favour to call them so. Was Brereton to fight with his Teeth (as in all other things he resembles the Beast) he would have odds of any man at the weapon. O he's a terrible Slaughter-man at a Thanksgiving-Dinner! Had he been Cannibal to have eaten those that he vanguish'd, his Gut would have made him valiant.

The greatest wonder is at Fairfax, how he comes to be a Babe of Grace; certainly it is not in his personal, but (as the State-Sophies distinguish) in his Politick Capacity; regenerate ab extra by the Zeal of the House he sate in, as Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo by the Adoption of an O∣ven.

There is the Woodmonger too, a feeble Crutch to a declining Cause; a new Branch of the old Oak of Reformation.

And now I speak of Reformation, Vouz avez Fox the Tinker, the liveliest Emblem of it that may be: for what did this Parliament ever go about to reform, but Tinker-wise, in mending one hole they made Three?

But I have not Ink enough to cure all the Tetters and Ringworms of the State.

I will close up all thus. The Victories of the Rebels are like the Magical Combat of Apuleius, who thinking he had slain three of his Enemies,

found them at last but a Triumvirate of Bladders. Such, and so empty are the Triumphs of a Diur∣nal, but so many Impostumated Phancies, so many Bladders of their own blowing.