A knights coniuring Done in earnest: discouered in iest. By Thomas Dekker.

CHAP. III.

Hells Post through London rydes: by a mad crewe, Hees calld into a Tauerne: In which view They drinke and raile: each of them by the Post Sends a strange message to his Fathers Ghost.

THe Post therefore, hauing put vp his packet, blowes his horne, & gallops all the way like a Citizen, so soone as euer hee's on horse∣back, downe to Billingsgate, for he meant when the Tide seru'de to angle for Soules, and some o∣ther fresh fish in that goodly fish-pond the Thames, as he passed ouer it, in Grauesend-barge: that was the water-coach he would ride in, there he knewe he should meet with some voluntaries that would venture along with him: In this passage through the Citty, what a number of Lord Mayors, Alder∣mens, and rich Commoners sonnes & heires kept hollowing out at Tauernwindows to our knight, and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores, with their hats only (for they had molten away all their feathers) to haue him strike fayle, and come vp to them: he vaild, and did so: their phantastick salu∣tations being complemented, with much intrea∣tie (because hee stood vppon thornes) hee was ad∣uaunc'd (in regard of his Knighthood) to the vp∣per end of the b••ord: you must take out your wri∣ting

tables, and note by the way, that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wilde fowle, Et crimine ab vno disce omnes, cut vp one, cut vp all, they were birdes all of a beake, not a Woodcocks difference among twenty douzen of them; euery man had before him a bale of dice, by his side a brace of Punks, & in his fist a nest of bowls. It was spring-tide sure, for all were full to the brimmes, with French beeing turn'd into English, (for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux) signi∣fied thus much, that dycing, drinking, and drab∣bing, (like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem,) were the ciuil plagues that very vnciuily destroied the Sonnes (but not the sinnes) of the Cittie.

The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks, it was hard to iudge, whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle, or lookt red with anger, one at another: but the troth is, their faces would take any dye but a blush ••colour, and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to be angry, but their wits (like wheeles in Brunswick clocks) being all wound vp, so farre as they could stretch, were all going, but not one going truely.

For some curst their byrth, some their bringing vp, some rayled vpon their owne Nation, others vpon Strangers. At the last, one of these Acolasti, playing at doublets with his pue-fellowe, (which they might well doe, being almost driuen to their shyrtes,) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore, out-draws his ponyard, and stab∣bing the tables, as if he meant to haue murder'd

the thirty men, swore he could find in his heart to goe presently (hauing drunk vpsy Dutch,) & pisse euen vppon the Curmudgion his Fathers graue: for, sayes hee, no man has more vndone me, than hee that has done most for me, ile stand too't, it's better to be the sonne of a Cobler, then of a com∣mon councell man: if a Coblers sonne and heyre run out at heeles, the whoreson patch may mend himselfe; but wee, whose friendes leaue vs well, are like howre-glasses turn'de vp, though wee be neuer so full, wee neuer leaue running, till wee haue emptied our selues, to make vp the mouthes of slaues, that for gayne are content to lye vnder vs, like Spaniels, fawning, and receiue what falls from our superfluity. Who ••reedes this disease, in our bones? Whores? No, alack let's doe them right,* 1.1 t'is not their fault, but our mothers, our coc∣kering mothers, who for their labour make vs to be calld Cockneys, or to hit it home indeed, those golden Asses our Fathers.

It is the olde Man, it is Adam, that layes a curse vppon his Posteritie: As for my Dad, t'is well knowne, hee had hippes reeling at Sea, (the vnlading of which giues me my loade nowe, and makes me stagger on land,) hee had ploughes to teare vp dere yeres out of the guts of the earth i'th countrey, and Yeomens sonnes, North countrey∣men, fellowes (that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding) great boyes with beards, whom he tooke to be Prentizes, (mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free,) and those lads

like Sarieants) tore out mens throates for him to got money in the Citie: hee was richer then Mi∣das, but more wretched then an Alchumist: so co∣uetous that in gardning time, because hee would not be at the cost of a loade of Earth, hee par'de not his nailes for seuen yeeres together, to the in∣tent the durte that hee filch't vnder them, should serue for that purpose: So that they hung ouer his Fingers, like so many shooing-hornes: doe but i∣magine how farre euer any man ventred into hell for money, and my Father went a foote farder by the standard, and why did he this, thinke you? he was so sparing, that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe, so that all was for mee, he cozen'd young Gentle∣men of their Land, onely for mee, had acres mor∣gag'd to him by wise-acres, for ••. hundred poūds, payde in hobby-horses, dogges, bells, and lute∣strings, which if they had bene sold by the dru••, or at an out-rop, with the crye, of No man better? would neuer haue yeelded 50. li. and this hee did only for mee, he built a Pharos, or rather a Block∣house beyond the gallows at Wapping, to which the blacke fleete of Cole-carriers that came from Newcastle, strooke faile, were brought a bed, and discharg'de their great bellies there, like whores in hugger-mugger, at the common price, with twelue pence in a chauldern ouer & aboue, there∣by to make the common wealth blowe her nayles till they ak'de for colde, vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire, onely for mee: the poore curst him

with bell, booke and candle, till he lookt blacker with their execration,* 1.2 thē if he had bin blasted, but he car'de not what dogges bark't at him, so long as they bit not me: his hous-keeping was worse then an Irish Kernes, a Rat could not cōmit a Rape vpon the paring of a moldy cheese, but he died for't, on∣ly for mysake, the leane lade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himselfe, though he had eaten stincking fresh herring able to poyson a dog, onely for me, because his son & heire should drink egges and muskadine, when he lay rotting.

To conclude, hee made no conscience, to run quick to the Diuel of an errand, so I had sent him. Might not my father haue beene begg'd (thinke you) better thē a number of scuruy things that are begd? I am perswaded, fooles would be a rich Mo∣nopolie, if a wise man had em in hand: would they had begunne with him, Ile be sworne, he was a fat one: for had he fild my pockets with siluer, and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer, I might haue beene cald vpon by this, wheras now I am ready to giue vp my cloake: Had he set me to Gr••ner-schoo••e, as I set my selfe to dan∣cing schoole, in stead of treading Carontoes, & ma∣king Fidlers fat with rumps of capōs, I had by this time read Homilyes, and fed vpon Tith-pigs of my owne v••caridge, whereas now, I am ready to get into the Pr••digals seruice, and cat loues nuts, that's to say, Acorns with swine: But men that are wisest for officers, are commonly arrand woodcocks, for Fathers: He that prouides liuing for his child, and

robs him of learning, turnes him into a Beetle, that flies from perfumes and sweet Odours, to feed on a cow-sheard; all such rich mēs darlings are either christened by some left-handed Priest, or els born vnder a threepeny Planet, and then they'le neuer be worth a groat, though they were left Landlords of the Indies. I confesse, when all my golden veines were shrunk vp, & the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling, I could for all that haue bin dub'd: But when I saw how mine vncle plaid at chesse, I had no stomack to be knigh∣ted. Why, sayes the Post? Mary quoth he, because when I prepar'd to fight a battaile on the Chesse-board, a Knight was alwaies better then a Pawne: but the Vsurer mine vncle made it playne, that a good pa••ne nowe was better then a Knight.

At this the whole Chorus, summos mouere Cachin∣nos, laught till they grind agen, and call'd for a fresh gallon, all of them falling on their knees, & draw∣ing out siluer & guilt rapiers, the onely mon∣umēts that were left of hundreds & thousands in Pecunijs numeratis. swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes, to their howling Fathers, so they might be sure the pledging should choake them, because they brought them into the Inne of the World, but left them not enough to pay their ry∣otous reckonings, at their going out.

The knight was glad he should carry such wel∣come newes with him, as these, to the clouen-foo∣ted Synagogue, & tickled with immoderate ioye, to see the world runne vpon such rotten wheeles.

Whervpō pleading the necessity of his departure, he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees, & thē with a French Basilez, slipt our of their cōpany.

But they knowing to what cape he was bound, būg vpon him, like so many beggers on an Almo∣ner, importing, and coniuring him, by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood, and Armes, and by his oath, to take vp doun-cast Ladies, whom they had there in their companyes, and whom they were bound in Nature & humanity to relieue: that hee wold signi••y to their fathershow course the threed of life fell out to be nowe towards the Fagge en••e: therfore, if any of them had (inth'daies of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 abo∣mination, and idolatry to money) bound the spirit of gold, by any charmes, in Caues, or in iron setters vnder the groūd, they should for their own soules quiet, (which questionlesse els would whine vp & down) if not for the good of their childrē, release it, to set vp their decay'd estates. Or if ther had bin no such coniuring in their life times, that they wold take vp money of the Diuel (thogh they forfeyted their bondes, and lay by it for euer, or els get leaue with a keeper, to trie how much they might be tru∣sted for among their olde customers vppon earth, thogh within two dayes after, they proued Bank∣rupts by Proclamation. The Post-maister of Hell plainly told them, that if any so seditious a fellow as Golge, were cast in prison: their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom'd: because ther's more greedines among them below, then can be in the Hyeland-countreys aboue: so that

if all the Lordships in Europ were ofsfred in Mor∣gage for a quarter their value, not so much as 13. pence half penie can be had from thence, though a man would hang himselfe for it: And as for their Fathers walking abroad with keepers, alas they lye there vpon such heauy Ex••cutions, that they can∣not get out for their soules. Hee counsells them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer, for that those markes stand out of their reache, the groūd of which counsell, they all vow to trauerse: Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baits, to catch old▪ (but fleshly) wealthy widdowes, the fire of which Sophysticated loue, they make ac∣count shal not go out, so long as any drops of gold can be distilld from them: Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of W••re, though such kinde of Theeuery be more stale then Seabeefe: the rest that haue not the hearts to shead bloud, hauing reaso∣nable stockes of wit, meanes to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbs, though the Poxelyes there as deaths Legyer: For since•• Man is the clocke of Time, they'le all be Tymes Sextens, and set the Dyall to what howres they list.

Our Vaunt' currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues, and offred to pay some of the Tauern Items: but they protesting he should not spend a Baw-bee, as hee was true knight conse∣dere Duces, they sate downe to their Wine, and he hasted to the water.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Wise mo∣thers make foolish chil∣dren.
• * 1.2

  Miserable fathers make wretched sonnes.