A knights coniuring Done in earnest: discouered in iest. By Thomas Dekker.

CHAP. II.

Don Luciser•• acquaintance soone is got, At London or at Westminster: where not? Hells Map is drawne, In which it does appeare, Where Hell does lye, and who they are, liue there.

WOnder is the daughter of Igno∣rance, none bu•• ••ooles will mar∣uell, how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babilon came to be to familiar together, or how we met, or howe I knewe where to find him, or what Charmes I car∣ried about mee whil'st I talkt with him, or where (if one had occasion to vse his Diuellsh••p) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger.

Tush, these are silly inquisitions; his acquain∣tance is more cheape, then a common Fidlers; his lodging is more knowne then an English bawdes, a midwiues, or a phisitions; and his walkes more open to all Nations, thē those vpon the Exchange, where at euery step a man is put in mind of Babell, there is such a confusion of languages. For in the Terme time, my Cauailiero Cornuto runs sweating vp & downe between Temple barre & Westminster hall, in the habite of a knight Errant, a swearing knight, or a knight of the Poste: All the Vacation you may either meet him at the Dycing Ordinaryes, like a Captaine, at Cockpits, like a young countrey

Gentleman; or else at Bowling-Alleys in a flat cap, like a shopkeeper: euery market day you may take him in Cheap ••side, poorely attyrde like an Ingrosser, and in the afternoones, in the two peny•• roomes of a Play-house, like a Puny, seated Check by Iowle with a Punke: In the heate of Sommer hee com∣monlie turnes Intelligencer, and carries tales be∣tweene the Arch-duke and the Graue: In the depth of Winter, hee sits tipling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garrison.

Hauing therefore (as Chamber-maides vse to doe for their Ladies faces ouer night) make ready my cullors, the pencell being in my hand, my Carde lined, my Needle (that capers ouer two and thirty pointes of the Compas) toucht to the quicke, East, West, North, and Sout••, the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde, that neuer blowe themselues out of breath, like foure dropsie Dutch Captaines standing Cent••nells in their quarters, I will ingenuously and boldely giue you the Map of a country, that lyes lower then the 17. valleys of Be••gia, yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newe castle, is farre more darke, farre more dreadfull, and fuller of knauerie, then the Colliers of those fire-workes are.

The name of this straunge Countrey is Hell, In disouery of which, the Quality of the kingdom, the condition of the Prince, the estate of the peo∣ple, the Traffique thither, (marie no transporting of goods from thence) shall be painted to the life. It is an Empire, that lyes vnder the Torria Zone, and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas, then t'is in

Spaine or France (which are counted plaguy hotte Countreyes) at Midsommer, or in England when the Dogge-daies bite sorest: for to saie truth (be∣cause t'is sinne to belye t'i••s•• Dinell) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vppon Stoues and Hotte-houses, you cannot set loote into it, but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you: for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers, the bone-fires that are kept there, neuer goe out; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broyld like Carbonadoes with the sweatting sicknes, but the best is, (or ra∣ther the worst) none of them die on't.

And such dangerous hot shortes are all the wo∣men there, that whosoeuer meddles with anie of them is sure to be burnt: It stands farther off then the Indies: yet to see the wonderfull power of Na∣uigation, if you haue but a side-winde, you may ••aile sooner thither, than a married man can vpon St; Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen, from St: Katherins, which vpon sound experience, and ••y the opini∣on of many good Marriners, may be done in lesse than haife an hower. If you trauell by land to it, the wayes a••e de••icate, euen, spatious, and very faire, but toward the end•• very fowle: the pathes are beaten more ba••e then the liuing; of Church∣men. Y••u neuer, turne, when you are trauelling thither, but keepe altogether on the left hand, so that you cannot lose your selfe, vnlesse you despe∣rately doe it of purpose.

The miles are not halfe so long as those be∣tweene Colchester & Ipswich in England, nor a quar∣ter

so durty in the wrath of Winter, as your Fren•••• miles are at the fall of the leafe.

Some say, it is an Iland, embrac'de about with certaine Riuers, called the waters of Sorrowe: O∣thers proue by infallible Demonstration, that t'is a Continent, but so little beholding to Heauen, that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them.

Howe so euer it be, this is certaine, that t'is ex∣ceeding rich, for all Vsurers both Iewes and Chri∣stians, after they haue made away their Soules for money here, meete with them there againe: You haue of all Trades, of all Professions, of all States some there: you haue Popes there, aswell as here: Lords there, as well as here: Knights there, as well as here: Aldermen there, as well as here: Ladies there, as well as here: Lawyers there, as wel as here: Souldiers marche there by myllions, so doe Citi∣zens, so doe Farmers, very fewe Poets can be suf∣fered to liue there, the Colonell of Coniurers dryues them out of his Circle, because hee feares they'le wryte Libells against him: yet some pitti••ull fel∣lowes (that haue faces like fire-drakes, but wittes colde as whetstones, and more blunt) not Poets indeed, but ballad makers, rub out there, & write Infernalls: Marrie players swarme there as they doe heere, whose occupation beeing smelt out, by the Cacodaemon, or head Officer of the Countrey, to be lucratiue, hee purposes to make vp a compa∣nie, and to be chiefe sharer himselfe, De quibus su•• loc••, of whose doings you shall heare more by the next Carrier: but heeres the mischiefe, you may

finde the waye thither, though you were blinder then Super stition, you may be set ashore there, for lesse then a Scullers fare: Any Vinteners boye, that has beene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeeres, any Marchant of mai∣den-heads, that brings commodities out of Virgi∣nia, can direct you thither: But neither they, nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-cat∣cher of em all, can take his oath, that it lyes iust vn∣der such an Horizon, whereby manie are brought into a Fooles Paradice, by gladlie beleeuing that either ther's no such place at all, or els that t'is built by Inchauntment, and stands vpon Fayrie ground, by reason such pinching and nipping is known to be there, and that how well-fauoured soeuer wee departe hence, we are turn'd to Changelings, if we tarry there but a minute.

These Territories, notwithstanding of Tartarie, will I vndermine and blowe vp to the viewe of all eyes, the blacke and dismall shores of this Phlege∣tonticke Ocean, shalbe in ken, as plainly as the white (now vnmaidend brests of our own Iland) China, Peru, and Cartagena, were neuer so ri••led: the win∣nings of Cales, was nothing to the winning of this Troy that's all on fire: the very bowels of these In∣fernall Antipodes, shalbe ript vp, and pull'd out, be∣fore that great Dego of Diuells his owne face: Nay, since my flag of defiance is hung forth, I will yeelde to no truce, but with such Tamburlaine-like furie, march against this great Turke, and his legi∣ons, that Don Beelzehub shall be ready to damme

himselfe, and be horne-mad: for with the coniu∣ring of my pen, all Hell shall breake loose.

Assist mee therefore, thou Genius of that ven∣trous, but iealous Musicion of Thrace (Euridices husband,) who beeing besotted on his wife, (of which sin none but Cuckoldes should be guiltie) went aliue (with his Fiddle at's backe) to see if hee could baile her out of that Adamantine pri••on; the fees he was to pay for her, were Iigs and countrey daunces: he paid them: the forfeits, if he put on yellow stockings, & look't back vpon her, was her euerlasting lying there, without bayle or Mayne∣prize: the louing Coxcomb could not choose but looke backe, and so lost her, (perhaps hee did it, because he would be rid of her.) The Morall of which is, that if a man leaue his owne busines, and haue an eye to his wiues dooings, sheele giue him the slip, though she runne to the Diuell for her la∣bour. Such a iourney (sweet Orpheus) am I to vn∣dertake, but Ioue forbid my occasion shuld be like thine, for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches, he could not finde worse, (no nor so bad) there, as are heere vpon earth. It were pitie that any woman should be damn'd, for she would haue trickes (once in a moone,) to put the Diue I out of his wits. Thou (most cleare throated sin∣glngman,) with thy Harpe, (to the twinckling of which, inferior Spirits skipt like Goates ou•• the Welsh mountaines) hadst priuiledge, because tho•• wert a Fiddler to be sawcy, & to passe and repass•• through euery roome and into euery noo•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the

Diuels wine-celler: Inspire mee therefore with thy cunning that carryed thee thither, and thy courage that brought thee from thence, teache mee which way thou went'st in, and howe thou scapt'st out, guide me in true fingering, that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid'st, (euery din∣ner and supper) before that Emperor of Lowe Ger∣manie, and the brabbling States vnder him: Luci∣fer himselfe danced a Lancashire Horne-pipe, whil'st thou wert there. If I can but Harpe vppon thy string, he shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin. I will call vppon no Midwiues to help me in those Throws, which (after my braines are fallen in labour) I must suffer, (yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howers,) nor vpon any con∣iurer, (yet Coniurers thou know'st, are fellowe and fellow-like, with Mounsieur Malediction, as Puncks are, who raise him likewise vp continu∣ally in their Circaean Circles) or as Brokers are, who both day and night studie the blacke Arte: No, no, (thou Mr: of thy Musicall companie,) I sue to none, (but to thee, because of thy Prick∣song:) For Poetrie (like Honestie and olde Soul∣diers) goes vpon lame feete, vnlesse there be mu∣sicke in her.

But the best is, Facilis descensus Auerni, It's but slipping downe a hill, and you shall fall into the Diuells lappe presently. And that's the reason, (because his Sinfulnesse is so double diligent, as to bee at your elbowe with a call, wherein he giues

good examples to Drawers, if they had grace to followe his steppes) that you swallow downe that Newes first, which should be eaten last: For you see at the beginning, the Diuell is read••e to open his mouth for an Answere, before his howre is come to be set to the Barre.

Since therefore, a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth'd News-mon∣ger like his lippes after it, no mans teeth shall wa∣ter any longer, hee shall haue it; for a very briefe Cronicle shall be gathered, of all the memorable occurrents, that presented themselues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iorney, the second part of Erra Paters Almanack, whose shooes Platoes Cap was not worthie to wipe, shall come forth, and without lying, (as you Calendermongers vse to doe,) tell what weather wee had all the way he went, to a drop of raine: wee will not loose him from the first minute of his iumping a ship-bo••••d, to the last of his leaping a shore, and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court (his good Lord and Maister) the Diuell.

Notes

• The Diuells Rendev••us.
• Description of Hell.
• What Per∣sont are there