The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits.

CHAP. IIII. The Humour of a woman that hath a charge of children.

THe next Humor that is by nature incident to a woman, is, when the husband hath bin married nine or or ten yeares, hath fiue or sixe children, hath passed many euill daies, vn∣quiet nights, and troubles aforesaid, hath his lustie youth∣fulnes spent, so that it is now high time for him to repent: But such is his grosse folly that he cannot, and such his dul∣nesse, through the continuall vexations, which haue tamed and we •…•…ried him, that he cares not whatsoeuer his wife saith or doth, but is hardned like an olde Asse, which being vsed to the whip will not once mend his pace be he lashed neuer so much: The poore man seeth two or thrée of his daughters mariage-able, which is soone knowne by their wanton trickes, their playing, dauncing, and other youthfull toyes, but he kéepes them backe, hauing perhaps small commings in, to kéepe, maintaine, and furnish them as they looke for, with gownes, kertles, linnen, and other ornaments, as they should be for thrée causes. First, that they may be the sooner sued vnto by lustie gallants: Secondly, because his denying hereof, should nothing auaile: for his wife which knowes his daughters humors by her owne, when she was of the like yeares, will sée that they shall want nothing: Thirdly, they peraduenture, bearing right womens mindes, if their father kéepe them short, will finde some other friends that shall affoord it them. The poore man being thus perplexed on all sides, by reason of the excessiue charges which he must be at, will (as it is likely) be but honestly attired himselfe, not ca∣ring how he goes so he may rubbe out, be i•…•… neuer so barely, and would be glad to scape so: But as the Fish in the Ponde, which would also thinke himselfe well, though wanting former libertie, if he might be suffered to continue, is cut off before his time: So is likewise this poore man seruet, being

once plunged in the perplexing Ponde, or rather (Pounde of Wedlocke and House-keeing: for howsoeuer, when hee consi∣ders the aforesaide charges and troubles, hee begins to haue no ioye of himselfe, and is no more mooued then a tyred Iade, which forceth not for the spurre: Yet for the furnishing of his Wife and Daughters, so that hee may haue peace at home, and enioy an easie bondage, hee must trudge vp and downe earlie and late about his businesse, in that course of life which he pro∣fesseth;

Sometimes he iourneys thirtie or fortie miles off, about his affaires: Another time, twice so farre to the Tearme of Assises, concerning some olde matter in Lawe, which was begunne by his Graund father, and not yet towards an ende, hee pulles on a paire of Bootes of seuen yeares olde, which haue beene cobled so ofte, that they are nowe a foote too short for him, so that the toppe of the Boote reaches no further then the calfe of his legge, he hath a paire of Spurres of the olde making, whereof the one wants a Rowell, and the other for want of Leathers, is faste∣ned to his foote with a poynt: Hee puttes a laced Coate on his backe, which hee hath had sixe or seuen yeares, which he neuer wore but vppon High-dayes, whose fashion is growne cleane out of request, by reason of new inuented Garments; what∣soeuer sports or pleasures he lights on (by the way on his iour∣ney, hee takes no ioy in them, because his minde is altogether on his troubles at home, hee fares hard by the way, as also his poore Horse, (if he haue any) his man followes him in a'turnde sute, with a sword by his side, which was found vnder a hedge at the siege of Bull••••; he hath a coate on his backe, which eue∣ry man may know was neuer made for him, or hee not present when it was cut out; for the wings on his shoulders comes downe halfe way his arme, and the skyrtes as much belowe his waste: To be short, the poore man goeth euery way as neare as may bée, for he remembers at what charges he is at home, and knowes not what it will cost him, in Féeing his Councel∣lors, Attourneys, and Petty-foggers, which will doe nothing without present pay; he dispatcheth his businesse spéedily, and hies him home with such hast, to auoid greater charges, that he

rests no where by the way. And hereby it chaunteth that ma∣nie times he comes home at such an houre, as is as neare mor∣ning as to night, and findes nothing to eate, for his Wife and Seruants are in bed, all which hee takes patiently, being now well vsed to such entertainement: Surely for my part, that God sends such aduersitie and distresse to those only whose good and milde nature, he knowes to be such, that they will take all things in good part.

But to procéede, it is very likely that the poore man is very weary, his heart heauy, by reason of the care and thought which he hath of his businesse; and it may be (hée lookes to be welcome to his owne house, and there to refresh himselfe) howsoeuer he forgets not his former vsage. But it falls out otherwise, for his wife begins to chide; whose words carries such a sway with the Seruants, that whatsoeuer their Maister saith, they make small account of it; but if their Mistresse command any thing it is presently done, and her humor followed in all things, else must they packe out of seruice: so that it bootes not him to bid them doe any thing, or rebuke them for not doing it: And his poore man that hath bene with him, dares not likewise open his mouth to call for any Uictualls to comfort himselfe, or for the Horses, least they should suspect him to be of his Maisters fac∣tion, (who being wise, and of a quiet and milde nature) is loth to make any stirre, or bréede any disquietnes in the house, and therefore takes all in good part, and sits him downe farre from the Fire, though hee be very colde: But his wife and children stand round about it, but all their eyes are cast on her, who lookes on her Husband with an angrie countenance, not caring to prouide ought for his supper; but contrariwise taunts him with sharpe and shrewish spéeches, whereto for the most part, he answers not a word, but sometimes (perhaps being vrged, through hunger or wearines, or the vnkindnes of his wife) he doth thus vtter his minde. Well Wife, you can looke well e∣nough to your selfe, but as for me, I am both wearie and hun∣gry, hauing neither eaten nor drunke all this day, and being be∣side wet to the very skinne, yet you make no reckoning to pro∣uide any thing for my supper.

Ah (quoth shee) you doe well to beginne first, least I should, which haue most cause to speake: Haue you not done very well (thinke yee) to take your man with you, and leaue me no bodie to white the Cloathes? Now before God, I haue had more losse in my Linnen, then you will get this Twelue-month. Moreouer, you shutte the Henne-roost doore very well, did you not? when the Fore got in, and eate vp foure of my best broode-Hennes, as you (to your cost will soone finde) by the masse: if you liue long, you will be the poorest of your Kinne. Well wife (saith the Good-man) vse no such wordes I pray you, God be thanked I haue enough, and more shall haue when it pleaseth him: and I tell ye, I haue good men of my Kinne. But quoth shee, I knowe not where they bee, nor what they are worth. Well (saith he) they are of credite and abilitie too. But for all that (quoth shee) they doe you small good. As much good (saith hee) as any of yours. As any of mine (saith shee,) and that she spake with such a high Note, that the house rung withall, say∣ing: By Cocks-soule, were it not for my Friends, you would doe but sorily.

Well good wife (saith hee,) Let vs leaue this talke; Nay, (saith shee) if they heard what you saide, they would answere you well enough. The good-man holds his peace, fearing least shee should tell them, being of greater abilitie then hee was, and besides, because hee was loth that they should be offended with him. Then one of the Children falls a crying, and he per∣haps, which his Father loued best, whereupon the Mother pre∣sently tooke a rodde, turned vp the Childes taile, and whipt him well fauoredly; and the more to despight and anger her Hus∣band, then for ought else. The good-man being herewith some∣what moued, wills her to leaue beating the Childe, shewing by his bended browes that he was not a little angrie at her doo∣ings. Now gyp with a murren (quoth she) you are not trou∣bled with them, they cost you nothing, but it is I that haue all the paines with them night and day. Then comes in the Nurs•…•… with her verdite, and thus she beginnes, saying: O Sir, you know not what a hand shee hath with them, and we also that tend them. Then comes in the Chamber-maide with her

fiue Egges: In good faith Syr, it is a shame for you, that at your comming home, when all the whole house should be glad thereof, that you should contrari wise put it thus out of quiet; Saith he, (is it I that make this stirre?)

Then is the whole Household against him, when hee séeing himselfe thus baited on all sides, (and the match so vnequall,) gets tim to Bed quietly without his Supper, all wette and dur∣tie; or if he doe suppe he hath but thinne fare: and being in Bedde, where hee should take his rest, hee is so disquieted with the Children, whom the Nurse and his Wife (doth on purpose set on crying,) to anger him the more, that for his life he can∣not sléepe one winke.

Thus is he vexed with continuall troubles, wherwith he sée∣meth to be well pleased, and would not though he might be frée from them, but doth therein spend his miserable and vnhappy life.

Notes

• Being tyred with scolding, as a hackney Iade with tra∣uell.