The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits.

CHAP. XIIII. The humor of a Woman that hath bene twise married.

THere is another humor belonging to a Woman, which is, when a Young man (hauing found the way into Lobbes Pound,) méetes with a Wife of like yéeres, fresh, lustie, Faire, kinde, and gracious; with whom she hath liued two or three yeares, in all delightes, iores, and pleasure, that any married couple coul•…•… haue, neuer did the one displease the other; neuer soule word past betwixt them, but they are al∣most still colling and billing each other, like a couple of Dones. And Nature hath framed such Simpathy betwéene them, that if the one bee ill at •…•…ase or discontented, the other is so likewiss. But in the midst of this their mutuall loue and sollace, it chan∣ceth that she dies, whereat hee grieues so extreamely, that hee is almost beside himselfe with sorrowe: hee mournes, not onely in his Apparell, for an obtward shewe, but vnfainedly, in his very heart; and that so much, that hee shunnes all pla∣ces of pleasure, and all companie, liues solitarily, and spends the time in daily complaintes and mones, and bitterly bewailing the losse of so good a wife, wherin no man can iustly bl•…•…me him, for it is a losse worthy to be lamented, and a Iewell, which who∣soeuer hath, is happie (but this happines is very rare.

To be short, his thoughts are all on her, and shee so firme∣ly printe•…•… in his minde, that whether he sléepe or wake, shee séemes alwayes to be in sight, but as all things hath an ende, so heere had sorrow•…•…. After a while, some of his Friendes ha∣•…•…ing spyed out a second match, which as they thinke is very fitte for him, doe preuaile so much with him, through her perswasions, that he accepts it, and marries himselfe againe, but not as before, with a young Maide, but with a lusty Wi∣dow, of a middle age, and much experience, who by the fryall which she had of her first Husband, knowes how to handle the second: but that she may doe it the better, she doth not presentiy

discouer her humor, till shee haue throughly markt how hee is inclined, what his conditions are, and what his nature is which finding it mild, and kind, & very flexible (the fittest mould to cast a Foole in) hauing now the full length of his foole, then shewes she her selfe what she is, vnmasking her dissembling malice; her first attempt is to vsurpe Superioritie, and so become his head, and this she obtaines without any great difficultie, for there is nothing so lauish as a simple and well-natured young man, be∣ing in subiection, that is married to a Widowe, especially if she be, (as the most of them are) of a peruerss and crabbed nature. I may very well compare him to an vnfortunate wretch, whose ill happe is to be cast into some strong Prison, vnder the keeping of a most cruell and pittilesse Iaylor, that is not moued to compassion, but rather to great rigour, in beholding the mi∣series of this pore wretch, whose onely refuge in this distresse, is to pray vnto God, to giue him 〈◊〉〈◊〉 to endure this crosse, for i•…•… he complaine of his hard vsage, it will afterwards prooue worse.

But to procéede: This iolly Widowe will within a while growe Iealous, feare and suspect that some other Dame hath part of that which shee so earnestly •…•…reth, and wherewith she could neuerbe satis•…•…ed, so that if hee glut not her insatiable hu∣mor, straightway shee conceiueth this opinion: If he doe but onely talke, nay, (which is worse) looke on any other Woman, for she by her good will would be alwayes in his armes, or at the least in his companie: For as to the Fish which hauing bene in water, that through the heate of the Sommer is halfe dryed vp, beginnes to sticke full of mudde, séekes for fresh water, and hauing found it, doth willingly remaine therin, and will in no wise returne to his former place: Euen so an olde Woman, hauing gotten a young man, will cling to him like Iuy to an Elme.

But on the other side, a Young man cannot loue an olde Woman, howsoeuer hee doth dissemble, neither is there any, that more endaungers his death: for it is with him, as with one that drinketh mu•…•…y wine, who if hee b•…•… thirstie,

séeles nothing whiles hee is drinking, but at the ende of his draught, hee féeles such a displeasing take, that it doeth almost fume his stomacke.

But if Young-men in no wise can fancie old Women, what lo•…•…e thinke you young-women can beare to olde men, when be∣sides the suudry imperfections of their Age, which are so loath∣some, that it is impossible for a fresh young tender Damsell, (be she neuer so vertuous) to endure their companie, much lesse the kisses and imbraces of the person which hath them; All the lusty Gallants thereabouts will not faile to vse whatsoeuer de∣nises and meanes possible for the horning of the old Dotard; ho∣ping that shee will be easily wonne to wantonnes: and surely they ground this hope on great likelyhood; For sith it is no dif∣ficult exploite to grafte the like kindnes on a Young-mans for∣head, who is able in farre better measure to féede his Wiues ap∣petite, and shee hath therefore more cause to bee true to him, it may surely séeme no great matter to performe the likepiece of seruice with this other vnfortunate Dame.

But now to returne to our Young-man, yoakt (as before I said) to this old Widow, I thus conclude, that his estate is most miserable: For besides the daunger of his health, an•…•… besides the subiection, Nay, rather seruitude which hee liues in, this third euill, (I meane his wiues Iealousie) is alone an vntolle∣rable torment vnto him; So that be he neuer so quiet, neuer so desirous to content her, neuer so searefull to displease her, yet cannot hee auoyd her brawles, obiections, and false accusations of leaudnes and disloyaltie; for an olde Woman infected with Iealousie, is like a hellish Furie.

If hee goe to any of her Friends about businesse, yea, to the Church to serue God, yet will shee alwayes thinke the worst, and assure her selfe, that hee playes false, though indeede he be neuer so continent; who whatsoeuer he pleadeth in his owne defence; yea, though hee proue himselfe blamelesse, by such rea∣sons as shee can by no reason confute, yet will not all this sa∣tisfie her: such is the peruersenesse of her stubborne, crabbed, and malicious nature, made worse by Dotage and raging Iea∣lousie: for being priuse to her owne de•…•…ectes, and knowing that

he by reason of his youth and hansomnes may perchance fall in fa•…•…our with a yong dame, thinking withall that a yong man, when he may haue such a match, will be loth to leaue it for a worse, or preferre sower verince before swéete wine. She con∣cludes peremptorily in these suggestions as before. Loe heere the issues of this asses turning into Lobs pound, & intangling of himselfe againe, when he had once gotten out to his former li∣bertie, which if he once more looke for, he is mad; for he must now perfor•…•…e continue there while life doth last, which by this meanes will be farre shorter, and he looke farre older, hauing béene but two yeares married with this olde crib, then if he had liued ten yeares with a young wife.