The araignment of leuud, idle, froward, and vnconstant women or the vanitie of them, choose you whether : with a commendation of wise, vertuous and honest women : pleasant for married men, profitable for young men, and hurtfull to none.

The Bearebayting, or the vanity of widdowes: choose you whether.

WOe be vnto that vnfortunate man that match∣eth himselfe vnto a widdow; for a widdow will be the cause of a thousand woes: yet there are many that doe wish themselues no worse matched then to a rich widdow; but thou doest not know what griefes thou ioynest with thy gaines; for if shee be rich, shee will looke to gouerne, and if shee be poore, then art thou plagued both with beggery and bondage: againe, thy paines will be double, in regard of him which mar∣rieth with a maid; for thou must vnlearne thy widdow, and make her forget her former corrupt and disordered behauiour, the which if thou take vpon thee to doe, thou hadst euen as good vndertake to wash a Blackamore white; for commonly widdowes are so froward, so was∣pish, and so stubborne, that thou canst not wrest them from their willes, and if thou thinke to make her good by stripes, thou must beate her to death. One hauing mar∣ried with a froward widdow, she called him thiefe & ma∣ny other vnhappy names; so hee tooke her, and cut the tongue out of her head; but she euer afterwards would make the signe of the gallowes with her fingers to him.

It is seldome or neuer seene that a man marrieth with a widdow for her beauty, nor for her personage, but onely for her wealth and riches; and if she be rich & beautifull withall, then thou matchest thy selfe to a she-Deuill, for she will go like a Peacocke, and thou like a Woodcocke; for she will hide her money to maintaine her pride: & if thou at any time art desirous to bee merry in her com∣pany,

she will say thou art merry, because thou hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee, where before thou wast a begger, and hadst nothing: and if thou shew thy selfe sad, she will say, thou art sad because thou canst not bury her, thereby to inioy that which shee hath: if thou make prouision to fare well in thy house, she will bid thee spend that which thou broughtest thy selfe.

If thou shew thy selfe sparing, she will say thou shalt not pinch her of that which is her owne, and if thou doe any thing contrary to her mind, she will say, her other husband was more kind: if thou chance to dine from home, she will bid thee go sup with thy Harlots abroad: if thou go abroad and spend any thing before thou com∣mest home, she will say a begger I found thee, and a beg∣ger thou meanest to leaue me: if thou stay alwayes at home, she will say thou art happy that hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee idle: if thou carue her the best morsell on the table, though shee take it, yet shee will take it scornefully, and say, she had a husbānd that would let her cut where she liked her selfe.

And if thou come in well disposed, thinking to be mer∣ry, and intreating her with fayre words, she will call thee dissembling hypocrite, saying, thou speakest me faire with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy minions abroad. Loe these are the franticke trickes of froward widdowes, they are neyther well full nor fasting, they will neyther goe to Church nor stay at home, I meane in regard of their im∣patient mindes; for a man shall neuer bee quiet in her sight, nor out of her sight, for if thou be in her sight, she will vexe thee as before said; & out of her sight thy owne conscience will torment and trouble thy mind to thinke

on the purgatory which perforce thou must indure, when thou commest home.

She will make Clubs trumpe, when thou hast neuer a blacke card in thy hand, for with her cruell tongue shee will ring thee such a peale, that one would thinke the De∣uill were come from Hell; besides this, thou shalt haue a brended slut like a Hell-hagge, with a paire of pappes like a paire of dung-pots shall bring in thy dinner, for thy widdow will not trust thee with a wench that is hansome in thy house: now if that vpon iust occasion thou throwest the platters at the maids head, seeing thy meat brought in by such a slutte, and so sluttishly drest, then will thy wid∣dow take pepper in the nose, and stampe and stare, and looke so sowre, as if shee had come but euen then from eating of Crabs, saying, If thou hadst not married with me thou wouldest haue beene glad of the worst morsell that is here: then thou againe replying, sayest, If I had not beene so mad, the Deuill himselfe would not haue had thee; and then without cause thou blamest her of olde age and of iealousie, and for hiding her money, & for cōuaying away of her goods which thou hast bought with the displeasure of thy friends, and discredite to thy selfe, in regard of her yeares; then againe, shee on the o∣ther side runneth out to her neighbours, and there she thundereth out a thousand iniuries that thou doest her, saying, my Corn he sendeth to the Market, and my Cat∣tell to the Fayre; and looke what he openly findeth, he ta∣keth by force, and what I hide secretly, he priuily stea∣leth it away, and playeth away all my money at dice. Loe thus he consumeth my substance, and yet hateth my per∣son, no longer then I feede him with money, can I enioy

his company, now he hath that he sought for, he giueth me nothing else but froward answeres, and foule vsage, and yet, God knowes, of pure loue I married him with nothing, but now his ill husbandry is like to bring to ru∣ine both me and my children: but now all this while she doth not forget to tell of her owne good huswifery, say∣ing, I sit working all day at my needle, or at my distaffe, & he like an vnthrift, and a whoremonger runneth at ran∣dome: thus they are alwayes stretching their debate vpon the racke of vengeance.

Loe here is a life, but it is as wearisome as hell, for if you kisse in the morning, being friends, yet ere noone ready to throw the house out at the window. The Pa∣pists affirme, that Heauen is wonne by Purgatory, but in my mind a man shall neuer come into a worse Purgato∣ry then to bee matched with a froward widdow. Hee that matcheth himselfe to a widow and three children, matcheth himselfe to foure theeues. One hauing mari∣ed with a widow, it was his lucke to bury her, but not be∣fore he was sore vexed with her, for afterwards hee lying on his death-bed, his friends exhorted him to pray vnto God that his soule might rest in Heauē, & he asked them this question, whether (said he) do you thinke my wife is gone? and they said vnto him, no doubt but that your wife is gone to Heauen before you, hee replyed, I care not whether I goe, so I go not where my wife is, for feare I meete with her and bee vexed with her as I haue beene heretofore.

Another hauing married with a widow, being one day at a sermon, heard the Preacher say, whosoeuer will be saued, let him take vp his crosse and follow me; this

mad fellow after Sermon was ended, tooke his wife vpon his backe, and came to the Preacher and said; here is my crosse, I am ready to follow thee whether thou wilt.

Another hauing married with a widdow which shewed her selfe like a Saint abroad, but a Deuill at home; a friend of her husbands told him, that he had gotten him a good, still and a quiet wife: yea marry, quoth the married man, you see my shooe is fayre and new, but yet you know not where it pincheth me.

Another merry companion hauing married with a widdow, & carrying her ouer the Sea into France, there sodainely arose a great storme, in so much that they were all in danger of drowning; the Master of the ship called vnto the marriners, and bade thē take & throw ouer bord all the heauiest goods in the shippe; this married man hearing him say so, he tooke his widdow, and threw her ouer-boord; and being asked the reason why he did so, he said, that he neuer felt any thing in all his life that was so heauy to him as she had been.

Another hauing married with a widdow, and within a while after they were married, she went out into the gar∣den, and there finding her husbands shirt hang close on the hedge by her maides smocke, she went presently and hanged her selfe for a iealous conceit that she tooke, and a merry fellow asked the cause why she hanged her selfe, and being told that it was for iealousie: I would said he that all trees did beare such fruit.

Thou maist thinke that I haue spoken inough concer∣ning Widdowes; but the further I runne after them, the further I am from them; for they are the summe of the seauen deadly sinnes, the Fiends of Sathan, & the gates

of Hell. Now me thinketh I heare some say vnto me, that I should haue tolde them this lesson sooner, foe too late commeth medicine when the patient is dead; euen so too late commeth counsell when it is past remedy, but it is better late then neuer, for it may be a warning to make o∣thers wise.

But why doe I make so long a haruest of so little corne? seeing the corne is bad, my haruest shall cease; for so long as women doe ill, they must not thinke to bee wel spoken of; If you would be well reported of, or kept like the Rose when it hath lost the colour, then you should smell sweet in the bud as the Rose doth, or if you would be tasted for old wine, you should bee sweet at the first like a pleasant Grape, then should you be cherished for your courtesie, and comforted for your honesty, so should you be preser∣ued like the sweet Rose, & esteemed of as pleasant wine, but to what purpose do I goe about to instruct you know: ing that such as counsell the deuill can neuer amend him of his euill.

And so praying those which haue-already made their choyse, and seene the troubles, and felt the torments that are with women, to take it merrily, and to esteeme of this booke onely as the toyes of an idle head.

Nor I would not haue women murmur against me for that I haue not written more bitterly against men; for it is a very hard winter when one Wolfe eateth another, and it is also an ill bird that defileth her owne nest; and a most vnkind part it were for one man to speake ill of another.