Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens

The second Booke of Characters.

CHARACT. I. A Iaylor

IS the beggars body∣lowse, which liues vpon the bloud and carcase of thē which can worst spare any: He proceeds commonly from such a one, as could not gouerne himselfe, to gouerne others im∣periously: He cannot thinke of a place, more sutable with the safe practise of his villany: No, not among the roarers, or the com∣pany

of quack-saluers: a thiefe, & a Murtherer, be the names which make him iron mad, whiles him∣selfe proues the more exquisite offender: and if formerly he hath bin infamous among al, it proues felicity with him now to insult o∣ver some, & growes the more im∣placable. At his first inductiō, he begins (like al new Officers) to re∣form methodically: Neither doth he spare to diuulge (with oftenta∣tion) the marrow of his deerest policies: He may very wel seeme a bountiful Host, for he detaines his customers whether they will or no: but his bounty retireth, whē he looseth aduantage. He is a true Alchymist, no dreamer in that science: nor the best profici∣ent hath thriu'd better in his pro∣iections: He doth indeed famili∣arly (by vertue of his stone-wals, without the Philosphers stone) cōuert rusty Iron into perfect sil∣uer:

He makes men beleeue, that the poore captiues shall work in daily labor to get a liuing: whiles his coniecture is verified in their nightly labor, by working throgh the enclosure; or being idle they get liuings too many: If he per∣ceiues an opē obiect of increase, he wil himselfe work the meanes of disorder by plētiful liquor, that so a large fine may redeeme the quarrell: To which purpose he doth sophisticate his fuming Beere, to breed a skirmish the sooner: & then the dungeon is a dreadfull word, vntill a cōpetent bribe pacify his humor. Nothing makes him so merry as a harsh mittimus, & a potēt captiue: they come like an inscriptiō with a fat goose against new-yeares-tide: but baile sounds a sorrowfull retrait: as if the inferiour Thiefe should loose a booty by composition: and yet he will take his wiues

suretiship for the more extent of liberty, because hee knowes her perfect in the instructions of that Alchymie. Hee is a cir∣cumspect companion, and still dreames of an escape: and of a breaking forth hee may well dreame, having so many putri∣fied sores in one body; but sel∣dome do any escape in his debt, though at their breaking out, they be a weeke behinde: for a∣boue one weeke he never trusts; and not so long, vnlesse the for∣mer aduantage wil recompence a fortnights arrerages. Briefly, hee is in a manner the Diuels huntsman, who keepes those Beagles either for castigation, because they were not cunning enough, else for amendment of the Chace. For if he sends them forth, they proue Graduates, when they escape the Gallowes.

As for himselfe, you may either meet him in the midst of Car∣rowses among his Customers, or riding post in melancholy, to re-imparke his wilde runna∣gates.

CHARAC. II. An Informer

IS a protected Cheater, or a Knaue in authoritie, licenced by autho∣rity: he sprang from the corrup∣tion of other mens dishonesty; and meetes none so intricately vitious, but hee can match the paterne: which makes him free of all Trades by the statute: for this giues him a freedome to survey all besides himselfe. He is a fellow as much beholding to his fiue senses, as to his intelle∣ctuals:

he can diversly imploy all his senses about diverse ob∣iects; but commonly they are all occupied about one or two chiefly: the winding vp of a iack is better then musicke to his cares in Lent: the steame of a roasted ioynt attracts his no∣strils vnsatiably: the sight of a shoulder of Mutton then feeds his stomacke; but the taste and feeling of it, provokes him to a dreadfull insultation. He is worse then an Otter-hound for a diue-dopping Ale-house-kee∣per: and hunts him out vnreaso∣nably from his Element of Li∣quor; and yet he may seeme rea∣sonable honest, for he hearkens readily to a composition. But whilst he consents to saue men harmlesse (vpon tearmes indiffe∣rent) he makes open way for a∣nother of his coat to incroach vp∣on

the like premises. Victuallers therefore find no relaxation by his oath or assistance; though they shold meet with more trou∣ble, if he did not assist them. Ar∣bitremēts be besides his calling: but if he be held sit to be an arbi∣bitrator, he will haue a sure hand in the businesse. For if he be tru∣sted to keepe the pledge of their reconcilement, the pledge must be his, whilst they are reconciled at their own peril. He comes al∣waies with a serious countenāce to deiected Ale-men, and promi∣seth restauration with an Exche∣quer licence to vex the Iustices: whilst hee takes forty shillings, three pound, or vpward for a sin∣gle sub-poena, to defend the Li∣quor-man; who incurres new charges by trusting in the appa∣rant cousenage. He takes away the relation betwixt a Lawyer

and his Client; and makes it ge∣nerally extend to the Clearkes in Offices; vnder whose safegard hee hath his Licence seal'd to travaile: a foot-post and he dif∣fer in the discharge of their pac∣ket, and the payment: for the Informer is content to tarry the next Tearme (perhappes) till a Iudgement. His profession af∣foords practisers both great and small; both bucke-hounds and harriers: the essence of both is inquisitiō. But the first is a more thriving and ancient stocke of hatred: for he is a kinde of An∣tiquarie: the last is seldome medling with men much aboue him: howsoever, sometimes he is casually the scourge of an ignorant Iustice.

CHARAC. III. Abase Mercenary Poet

IS the most faithfull obsequious seruant of him that giues most: he subscribes his definition to all Dedicatory Epistles. If mo∣ther-wit raisd him to be a wri∣ter, he shewes himselfe a duti∣full Childe, and begges Poems in defence of Nature: neither can hee choose but betray him∣selfe to be a cosset, by his odde frisking matter, and his Apish Titles: which may perswade any reasonable man, that he studies more to make faces, then a de∣cent carriage. If he haue learnt Lillies Grammer, and a peece of Ouids Metamorphosis, he thinkes it time to aske his patrons bles∣sing with some worke that sa∣vours

very much of the authors meaning, and two or three La∣tine sentences. If he hath seene the Vniversity, and forsaken it againe, because he felt no deserts which might chalenge a benefa∣ctor: then he calles every man (besides his patron) a despiser of learning, and he is wonder∣full angry with the world; but a brace of angels will pacifie his humour. If hee be an expulsed Graduate, hee hath beene con∣versant so long with rules of Art, that hee can expresse nothing without the Art of begging, or publicke sale: but commonly hee is some swimming-headed Clarke, who after he hath spent much time in idle Sonners, is driven to seeke the tune of Sil∣ver, to make vp his consort. Necessity and covetous hire, bribe his invention, but cannot

corrupt his conscience: for though hee vndertakes more then hee is able, yet hee con∣cludes within expectation of o∣thers that know him, and so hee deceiues himselfe onely. Hee will never forfeite his day to necessitie, if hee writes by ob∣ligation; but hee never payes backe the principall to his Au∣thour: which happens divers times when hee is the Scriue∣ner and the Debtor: for the tide of one Pamphlet beeing vented at his elbowes, with leaning vpon Taverne-tables; hee tyes himselfe to certaine limites; within which pre∣cinctes hee borrowes much, translates much, coynes much, converting all to his pro∣iect: and if matter failes, hee flyes vpon the Lawyer, or flat∣ters his obiect: but hee never

becomes so excellent, that the Creditor of his invention, may thinke it a dignitie to haue had such a Debtor: and there∣fore hee payes backe nothing. His Apologies discover his shifting cousenage: For he at∣tributes the vices of his quill to the Ages infirmitie; which endures nothing but amorous delights, close bawdry, or mirth∣full studied Iests: As if the ig∣norance of any Age could hin∣der a wise mans propositions. Hee is a Traded fellow, though hee seemes a Scholler: but is never free of the Company, or accepted, till hee hath drunke out his Apprentise-hood a∣mong the grand Masters, and then with an vnivocall con∣sent, hee may commend his Wares, turne them into the fashion, and dresse over

his old Pamphlets, to incroach vpon the buyer. He presumes much vpon absolute good meanings, though the Text bee palpable: and yet where hee commends himselfe best, hee is not refractorie: for hee still promises amendment, or some more voluminous worke, to gratifie his Benefactors; but hee could never liue long e∣nough to finish his miracles. But hee is much indebted to the favour of Ladies, or at least seemes to haue been gra∣ciously rewarded: if he affects this humour, hee extolls their singular iudgement before he meddles with his matter in question: and so selles himselfe fictitiously to the worlds o∣pinion. If his handes bee no more actiue then his head, hee is guiltie of many a good

Scribes idlenesse, by making that legible, which (before Trans-scription) might haue been tolerable folly. If you be therefore an honest, or gene∣rous Patron, suffer him not to bee printed.

CHARAC. IIII. A common Player

IS a slow Payer, seldome a Pur∣chaser, never a Puritan. The Statute hath done wisely to ac∣knowledge him a Rogue: for his chiefe Essence is, A day∣ly Counterfeite: Hee hath been familiar so long with out-sides, that hee professes himselfe, (beeing vnknowne) to bee an apparant Gentleman. But his

thinne Felt, and his Silke Stockings, or his foule Lin¦nen, and faire Doublet, doe (in him) bodily reveale the Broaker: So beeing not suta∣ble, hee proues a Motley: his minde obseruing the same fa∣shion of his body: both con∣sist of parcells and remnants: but his minde hath common∣ly the newer fashion, and the newer stuffe: hee would not else hearken so passionatly af∣ter new Tunes, new Trickes, new Devises: These together apparrell his braine and vnder∣standing, whilest hee takes the materialls vpon trust, and is himselfe the Taylor to take measure of his soules liking. If hee cannot beleeue, hee doth coniecture strongly; but dares not resolue vpon particulars, till he hath either spoken, or heard

the Epilogue; vnlesse he be pre∣vented: neither dares hee enti∣tle good things Good, vnlesse hee bee heartned on by the Multitude: till then, hee saith faintly what hee thinkes, with a willing purpose to recant or persist: So howsoever he pre∣tends to haue a royall Master, or Mistresse, his wages and de∣pendance proue him to bee the servant of the people. The cautions of his iudging hu∣mour (if hee dares vndertake it) bee a certaine number of lying iests against the common Lawyer; hansome conceits a∣gainst the fine Courtiers; de∣licate quirkes against the rich Cuckold a Cittizen; shado∣wed glaunces for good inno∣cent Ladies and Gentlewomen; with a nipping scoffe for some honest Iustice, who hath once

imprisoned him: or some thrif∣tie Trades-man, who hath al∣lowed him no credit: alwayes remembred, his obiect is, A new Play, or A Play newly revi∣ved. Other Poems hee admits, as good fellowes take Tobac∣co, or ignorant Burgesses giue a voyce, for company sake; as things that neither maintaine, nor bee against him. Hee can seeme no lesse then one in ho∣nour, or at least one mounted: for vnto miseries which perse∣cute such, hee is most incident. Hence it proceedes, that in the prosperous fortune of a Play frequented, hee proues immo∣derate, and falles into a Drun∣kards paradise, till it be last no longer. Otherwise when adversi∣ties come, they come toge∣ther: For Lent and Shroue∣tuesday bee not farre asunder:

then hee is deiected daily and weekely: his blessings be nei∣ther lame nor monstrous; they goe vpon foure legges; but moue slowly; and make as great a distance betweene their steppes, as betweene the foure Tearmes. If he marries, hee mistakes the Woman for the Boy in Womans attire, by not respecting a diffe∣rence in the mischiefe. But so long as hee liues vnmarried, he mistakes the Boy, or a Whore for the Woman; by courting the first on the stage, or visiting the second at her devotions. Take him at the best, he is but a shifting companion; for he liues effectually by putting on, and putting off. If his profession were single, hee would thinke himselfe a simple fellow, as hee doth all professions besides his

owne: His owne therefore is compounded of all Natures, all Humours, all professions. Hee is politick enough to perceiue the Common-wealths doubts of his licence, and therefore in spight of Parliaments or Sta∣tutes he incorporates himselfe by the title of a Brother-hood. I need not multiply his character; for boyes and euery one, will no sooner see men of this Faculty walke along, but they will (vn∣asked) informe you what hee is by the vulgar denomination.

CHARAC. V. A Warrener

IS an earthly minded man: Hee plucks his liuing frō the earths bowels: and therfore is his mind

most conuersant about that ele∣ment: He liues in a little Arce∣nall or Watch-tower, being well prouided with Engines and Artilery: with which (like another tyrant) he doth encoun∣ter the enemies of his Inhabi∣tants; that he may engrosse them all the more entirely: And yet in some respects he is a good Go∣uernour, for he delights more in the death of an enemy, then six subiects: The reason is apparant, for one foe is able to destroy twenty of his Vassailes; and so his gaines be preuented: There∣fore a Pole-cat and he be at con∣tinuall variance: yet he is chari∣table and mercifull, for if the Pole-cat turne Ferret and obey him, none agree better: Hee doth Waive much spoile by his mid-night watches, and yet he owes no Lord-ship: The truth

is, tumblers, nets, and other traffick do escheate to him, al∣though the owner be liuing. He verifies the prouerbe of plenty, as the more he hath, the more he doth desire: for though his owne ground be full of bree∣ders, yet he cannot forbeare to haue his hand in priuate War∣rens. Hee is much, and most perplexed, because pales and hedges will not keepe his Cat∣tell in compasse: if he cannot therefore compound with the neighbours adiacent, he hath a trick to affright those that trans∣gresse their limites, by scattering murtherd captiues (as Pole-cats, and Weasels) in their places of refuge: And this is a deepe quil∣let in the profession: Besides this, he hath little knowledge of moment, except the science of making Trappes: or circumuen∣tion

of innocent dogs to feed vermine: The chiefe petition of his prayer, is for blacke frosts, Sunne-shine weather, and calme mid-nights: vnder the protection of the last, he walkes fearelesse, with a pike-staffe, to exercise the liberty of that sea∣son among other mens backe∣sides: Where he hath many night-spels, to the hazard of much Pullen, and indeed all things thieue-able; if he doth not play the valiant Foot-man, and take tribute of passengers: Neither is he worthy to be such a dealer with nets and Cony∣catchings, if he could not intrap the Kings subiects. I make no question therfore that he is wor∣thy of his profession: Howsoeuer sometimes he is catcht in a pit∣fal of liquor by his companions: whilst they perhaps being Poul∣terers,

proue tyrannicall substi∣tutes, and rob his possessions: but in reuenge, hee doth often en∣croach vpon the Poulterers like∣wise with a drunken bargaine.

CHARAC. VI. A Huntsman

IS the leiutenant of dogs, and foe to Haruest: He is frolick in a faire morning fit for his plea∣sure; and alike reioyceth with the Virginians, to see the rising Sun: He doth worship it as they; but worships his Game more then they: And is in some things al∣most as barbarous. A sluggard he contemnes, & thinks the resting time might be shortned; which makes him rise with day, obserue

the same pace, and proue full as happy; if the day be happy. The names of Foxe, Hare, and Bucke, be all attracting sillables; suffici∣ent to furnish fifteene meales with long discourse in the ad∣uentures of each. Foxe, drawes in his exploits done against Cubbes, Bitch-foxes, Otters, and Badgers: Hare, brings out his encounters, plat-formes, en∣gines, fortifications, and night∣worke done against Leueret, Cony, Wilde-cat, Rabbet, Weasell, and Pole-cat: Then Bucke, the Captaine of all, pro∣uokes him (not without strong Passion) to remēber Hart, Hind, Stagge, Doe, Pricket, Fawne, and Fallow Deere. He vses a dogged forme of gouernement, which might bee (without shame) kept in Humanity; and yet he is vnwilling to be gouer∣ned

with the same reason: either by being satisfied with pleasure, or content with ill fortune. Hee hath the discipline to marshall dogs, and sutably; when a wise Herald would rather meruaile, how he should distinguish their coates, birth, and gentry. Hee carries about him in his mouth the very soule of Ouids bodies, metamorphosed into Trees, Rockes, and Waters: For when he pleases, they shall eccho and distinctly answere; and when he pleases, be extreamely silent. There is little danger in him to∣wards the Common wealth: for his worst intelligence comes from Shepheards or Wood∣men; and that onely threatens the destruction of Hares; a well-knowne dry meate. The Spring and he are still at variance; in mockage therefore, and reuenge

together of that season, he weares her liuery in Winter. Little consultations please him best; but the best directions he doth loue and follow, they are his dogs: If hee cannot pre∣uaile therefore, his lucke must be blamed; for he takes a speedy course. He cannot be lesse then a conquerour from the begin∣ning, though he wants the boo∣ty; for he pursues the flight. His Man-hood is a crooked sword with a saw backe; but the badge of his generous valour is a horne to giue notice. Battery and blowing vp, hee loues not: to vndermine is his Stratageme. His Physick teaches him not to drinke sweating; in amends whereof, he liquors himselfe to a heate, vpon coole bloud; If hee delights (at least) to emu∣late his dog in a hot nose. If a

kennell of hounds passant take away his attention and compa∣ny from Church; do not blame his deuotion; for in them con∣sists the nature of it, and his knowledge. His frailties are, that he is apt to mistake any dog worth the stealing, and neuer take notice of the Collar. Hee dreames of a Hare sitting, a Foxe earthed, or the Bucke cou∣chant: And if his fancy would be moderate, his actions might be full of pleasure.

CHARACT. VII. A Falkoner

IS the egge of a tame Pullet, hatcht vp among the Hawkes and Spaniels. Hee hath in his mi∣nority conuersed with Kestrils,

and yong Hobbies; but grow∣ing vp he begins to handle the sure, & look a Fawlcō in the face. All his learning makes him but a new Linguist; for to haue studi∣ed and practised the termes of Hawkes Dictionary, is enough to excuse his wit, manners, and humanity. He hath too many Trades to thriue; and yet if hee had fewer, hee would thriue lesse: Hee need not bee enuied therfore, for a Monopolie, though he be Barber-surgeon, Physitian, and Apothecary, before he com∣mences Hawk-leech: for though he exercise all these, and the Art of Bow-strings together, his patients be compelled to pay him no further, then they bee able. Hawkes be his obiect, that is, his knowledge, admiration, labour, and all: they be indeed his idoll, or mistresse, be they

Male or Female: to them he consecrates his amorous Dit∣ties, which be no sooner framed then hallowed: Nor should he doubt to ouercome the fairest, seeing he reclaimes such Hag∣gards; and courts euery one with a peculiar Dialect. That he is truely affected to his Sweet∣heart in her fether-bed, appeares by the sequele; himselfe being sensible of the same misery: for they be both mewed vp toge∣ther: But he still chuses the worst pennance; by chusing ra∣ther an Ale-house, or a Cellar, for his moulting place, then the Hawkes mew. He cannot bee thought lesse then a spie, and that a dangerous one: For his espials are, that hee may see the fall of what he persecutes: and so the Wood-cocks perish: If they do not, his Art is suspended. He

is a right busy-body, who inter∣meddles so much with others affaires, that he forgets his own. He would not else correct his Hawkes wildnesse; and be so rea∣dy to trample downe the stan∣ding corne; or make way through enclosures: That argues him to be Rebellious, & Vulgar; one apt to striue for liberty. His Man-hood I dare not signifie, it remaines doubtfull vpon equall tearmes, because, seldome tried with any thing but wild-fowle: and then he performes water-seruice; per∣haps sea-seruice; but both in some fowle manner: By Land he serues, on horse or foot; on both, to destroy Partrige, or Pheasant. There is no hope of his rising, though he doth ex∣cell; for he rather seekes to make others ambitious of rising, then himselfe: and therefore though

he frames wings with Daedalus, he therby makes his Hawke one∣ly ambitious: Yet if any shall (by coniecture) take a flight from Paules Steeple; hee will (I suppose) as soone as any. I had rather (in the meane time) take his word then his oath; for when he speakes without an oath, he is not troubled with the passion of his Curres, or Haggards; and therefore cannot so well excuse it, if he breakes his promise. As for Religion, she is a bird of too high a wing; his Hawkes cannot reach it, and therefore not Hee: And if hee flies to heauen, it is a better flight, then any hee hath commemended: There, I med∣dle not with him; thither he must carry himselfe: for I can neither condemne, nor saue him.

CHARACT. VIII. A Farmer

IS a concealed commodity: his worth or value is not fully knowne till he be halfe rotten, and then he is worth nothing: he hath Religion enough to say, God blesse his Maiesty; God send peace, and faire weather; So that one may picke Haruest out of him to be his time of happines: but the Tith-sheafe goes against his conscience; for he had ra∣ther spend the value vpon his Reapers and Plough-men, then bestow any thing to the mainte∣nance of a Parson. Hee is suffi∣ciently booke-read, nay a pro∣found Doctor, if he can search into the diseases of Cattell: and

to fore-tell raine by tokens, makes him a miraculous Astro∣nomer. To speake good English is more then he much regards; and for him not to contemne all Arts and Languages, were to condemne his owne education. The pride of his house-keeping is a messe of Creame, a Pig, or a greene Goose, and if his ser∣uants can vncontrowled finde the high-way to the Cup boord, it winnes the name of a bounti∣full Yeoman. To purchase Armes (if he aemulates Gentry) sets vpon him like an Ague: it breakes his sleepe, takes away his stomacke, and he can neuer be quiet till the Herald hath gi∣uen him the Harrowes, the Cuckow, or some ridiculous Embleme for his Armory. The bringing vp, and Mariage of his eldest sonne, is an ambition

which afflicts him so soone as the boy is borne, and the hope to see his sonne superior, or pla∣ced aboue him, driues him to dote vpon the boy in his Cra∣dle: To peruse the Statutes and preferre them before the Bible, makes him purchase the credit of a shrewd fellow, and then he brings all aduersaries to compo∣sition; and if at length he can discouer himselfe in large Lega∣cies beyond expectation, he hath his desire. Meane time, he makes the preuention of a dearth his title, to be thought a good Common-wealths man: And therefore hee preserues a a Chandelors treasure of Ba∣con, Linkes and Puddings in the Chimney corner. Hee is quickely and contentedly put into the fashion, if his cloathes bee made against Whitsontide

or Christmas day: and then outwardly hee contemnes ap∣pearance: he cannot therefore choose but hate a Spaniard like∣wise; and (hee thinkes) that ha∣tred onely, makes him a loyall subiect: for benevolence and subsidies be more vnseasonable to him, then his quarters rent. Briefly, being a good house-kee∣per, hee is an honest man; and so, hee thinkes of no rising higher, but rising early in the morning; and beeing vp, hee hath no end of motion, but wanders in his woods and pa∣stures so effectually, that when he sleepes, or sits, hee wanders likewise. After this, he turns into his elemēt, by being too ventrous hot, & cold: then he is fit for no∣thing but a checkered graue: howsoever some may think him convenient to make an ever∣lasting

lasting bridge; because his best foundation hath been (perhaps) vpon wool-packes.

CHARAC. IX. An Hostesse

IS (if beautifull) the abatement of reckonings, or the second course: if a widow, shee is the iourneyes end of a wether-bea∣beaten Traveller: if ordinary, she is the seruant & the mistris; but in generall, she is a receiver to all professions, and acquain∣ted by experience with cooke∣ry, or sluttery. Being invited to her owne provisions, shee pre∣pares the way to mitigate her prises, either by exclaiming vp∣on the hard times, or insinuating the sublime price of Mutton.

She must be pardoned, though she depart before supper is en∣ded, or approch when supper is ended; for shee is modestly a∣shamed to heare her sinfull rec∣konings. She professes the kit∣chin, but takes place in the chamber: and having interrup∣ted the Guest with a cup of Hear∣tily welcome, she signifies his sor∣row, though it bee manifest si∣lence; shee excuses the atten∣dance by variety of guests; and blaming the Maid-servants, she commends herselfe for the sole agent: and you must conceiue amisse of the shambles, or but∣ter-market vpon her honesty. Her chiefest knowledge is to di∣stinguish vpon the trades of our belly; and though shee con∣demnes a Taylor for strengthe∣ning his bill with bumbast, stiffe∣ning, silke and buttons; yet shee

furnishes her owne in the same kinde, with wine, bread, sallets, and cheese; and though she sel∣dome abate the price of recko∣nings, yet she can giue a morsell of her owne into the bargaine; if that may satisfie. She may ab∣horre drunkennesse; but in her owne house conceales it, and re∣ceiues the advantage: neither dares she reproue her husbands thirstie humor, least she should loose her libertie; when hee re∣signes his power to lazinesse, by which hee was ingendred. Her husbands sloth make her im∣ployed proudly; being heartily ambitious of labour, if shee can boast well, that her paines alone keepe her husband and his fa∣mily: If her selfe be spunge and corke, she hath a daughter, or a Chamber-maid of Ivy. These and she together make the best

of a bad bargaine; and therefore shee affoords no peny-worth which is not the best that can sud∣denly be bought for money. She seldome invites cost-free: for she determines to be paid com∣monly. If therefore she doth invite, she is a rare woman; nei∣ther hath she any thing else to plead raritie. Briefly, shee is a thing of cleane linnen, that is the warrant of her cleanlinesse: She makes the welcome of a new, the farewell of an old Tra∣veller. She hearkens ioyfully to the numerous footing of horses; and having, with a quicke ac∣cent twise called the Cham∣berlaine, she is now bu∣sie about dressing supper.

CHARACT. X. A Tapster.

IS an Infernall: the Belzebub of a Sellar, and the very motion of a double Iugge. Hee was ingen∣dred by a Drunkards appetite and vrine: for nothing but his desire to fill and emptie, hath bred a Tapster. He striues to be familiar at first sight; but instead of friendship hee retaines the names of Customers: onely be∣twixt Brewers men and him, there passes hungry and thirstie loue; consisting of Holland∣cheese & rowles in recompence of Bottle-ale, and strong Beere. Drawers and hee liue at vari∣ance; for he thinkes the grape a disparragement to malt; and therefore hee incounters Wine

even with the smallest Beere he hath, to affright the fortitude of Sacke and Claret with extre∣mitie: But (which betrayes his stratagems) he gladly makes the Vintners vessell his vassaile and Renegado. His riches are single, they consist of single money; his profession double, it consists of double Beere: but then his faculties are againe so single, that if he leaues the cellar, hee must begge or steale: for igno∣rance and lazinesse haue beene his education. Meane time he is kept from robbery by exchange of single peeces: and yet hee disables himselfe in exchange, vnlesse hee expects nothing by delay. He feeles the same sor∣row to heare you discommend his liquor, that hee doth to see you depart. It goes against his conscience to see the cup stand

quietly; and against his stomack to see you preferre Mutton be∣fore powdred beefe. He hath an ambitious memory, which can∣not deceiue him, because hee hath taught it to deceiue others: for his aboundance of memo∣ry, and his meaning to get a stocke, labour to beget a super∣fluous two-pence in the recko∣ning. His braine swarmes with a tempest of bottle-reckonings; which makes him carelesse of hats, least hee should breed an impostume, by inclosing their multitude, else he is afraid least the hot and moyst reckonings he carries in his head, should dissolue his felt; and therfor che goes vncovered: else to shew he reverences the Cellar & weeke∣dayes, more then the Church or Sabboth; for then onely hee playes the Turke, and puts on

else (which is indeed the reason) he knowes all commers claime his dutie, and therfore he walkes bare-headed to saue a labour. He attributes the scant measure of his Iugge to the Cellars darke∣nesse, and his saving nature; but rather then he will iustifie both, he hath a certaine slight of hand to fill the first glasse, and so a∣voyds inquisition. All his con∣science is, that he dares not cast away Gods good creatures; and therefore he preserues the drop∣pings to make a compound. Of his prayers and religion, I nei∣ther finde any thing, nor will I leaue any thing written. But I beleeue strongly, that in stead of Praying, he wishes to heare men desirous of Collops and Egges, or red Herrings. And therefore I thinke he should thriue best in a sea voyage; because hee com∣mends

the relish of meates sea∣soned exceedingly. He hath no∣thing to commend his litera∣ture, but Brachigraphy, or the sci∣ence of short writing, which hee practises vpon the barrels head, or behind the doore: the mea∣ning whereof hee propounds, but doth not discover the rules. If he dares defend his function in Winter, he must provide an Orator: for he speakes coldly for himselfe, as being troubled with a common hoarsenesse, to betray his vigilance. Briefly, you must imagine him a light fellow, and like the c••rke, which swimmes with moysture, is supported with liquor, and tied about the bottle or iugges neck: there, or neere about that, you may finde him personally.

CHARAC. XI. A Lawyers Clarke

IS his Masters right hand, ex∣cept hee writes with his left: or the second dresser of Sheep-skinnes: one that can extract more from the parchment, then the Husband-man from the Fleece. He is a weake Gram∣marian; for hee beginnes to peirce, before he can construc well: witnesse the Chamber∣maid. Neither can you dis∣commend him: for his best e∣ducation hath beene at a dull Writing-schoole. Hee doth gladly imitate Gentlemen in their garments; they allure the Wenches, and may (perhaps) provoke his Mistresse: but then hee must bee a Customer to

Cookes shoppes, and low Or∣dinaries, or visite the Broaker, to be-speake Silke stockings; without which hee thinkes Gen∣try doth much degenerate▪ pre∣suming on which, and his plausi∣ble discourse, he dares attempt a mistresse: but if hee chooses worthily, hee feeles himselfe worthily contemned, because hee woes with bawdery in text; and with Iests, or speeches stolne from Playes, or from the common-helping Arcadia. Hee may bee reasonably com∣maunded by his maister in at∣tendance: but if he rides with a Cloake-bagge, hee thinkes himselfe disgraced behinde his backe. Howsoever, hee is o∣therwise a peaceable compa∣nion: for as hee continually makes agreement, so himselfe sits quietly, by his owne Em∣bleme

of meeknesse, the sheeps-skinne; except the itch trou∣bles him. You can make no que∣stion that he is not ignorant to dispatch readily; for he hath his businesse at his fingers end. Hee may pretend Schollership, but all that is nothing to a Iugglers, who exceedes in the slight of hand; which is the Art of both. Hee trembles therefore alike with all Handicrafts, (though he be most valorous) to thinke he should dare strike in the court: for vpon his Palmes and Fin∣gers depend his In-comes. Hee is no vaine Disputant; his knowledge is positiue ingros∣sed, and so vpon record. Selfe-conceit in labours, hee refuses: for hee labours about nothing which is not iustifiable by Pre∣sidents; either of West, his ma∣ster, or a teacher. His Poe∣try

is meere naturall, if he hath any; that costs him no labour: in carriage, and the rest, hee barely imitates; that labour is worth nothing. Hee is not a∣shamed of what he doth: for hee regards not to haue a finger, but a whole hand in the busi∣nesse. To which purpose you may see his name subscribed in Court, after sealed and delive∣red. Hee doth relye vpon his masters practise, large inden∣tures, and a deske to write vp∣on. Westminster likewise doth not altogether not concerne him: hee hath a motion thi∣ther, and a motion there: thi∣ther hee moues by way of in∣iunction from his Master: there he moues in the common place of breake-fasts, for reliefe of his stomacke; and if hee can match his breake fast and din∣ner

without grudging of his stomacke, hee hath his desire. Hee is a follower: for he weares a livery; but no seruant, for hee payes his owne wages. Serving himselfe, he serues God by oc∣casion: for whilst hee loues his gaine, and serues his desire of getting, hee hates idlenesse. If his master thriues, hee cannot doe amisse; for hee leades the way, and still rides before; but if hee incline to the consumpti∣on of state, hee needes a ma∣ster that can thriue in that pra∣ctise also, to recover him. Hee is the Sophister, or Solliciter to an Atturney; and from him∣selfe hee proceedes to an Atturney: that is his commencement. (* * *)

CHARACT. XII. A meere Atturney

IS a fellow at your command for ten groates, and hath no inheri∣tance, but a knavish forme of vn∣derstanding. Hee is extreamly graced if he talke with two vel∣vet-cloak'd Clients in fiue Tearmes; and desires to salute great Lawyers in view to pur∣chase reputation. He is indeed the vpshot of a Lawyers Clarke, and retailes his Learning from Poenall Statutes, or an English Littleton. He is a better commo∣ditie to himselfe then Stockefish (being wel beaten) His chiefe in∣ventiō is how he may take bribes from both parties, & please both fashionably: how he may cou∣sen his friends to all advantage,

and giue the glosse of good dealing: if his wickednesse thriues well, he proues a terrible Asse in a Lyons skin: But whilst he out-dares the Eagle, and for∣gets himselfe to be a Kastrell, his confidence deceiues him: His Pen and Inke-horne is a spe∣ciall propertie; he weares it pen∣dant, to expresse his depen∣dance: Sub-paenaes, Executi∣ons, and all Writs of quarrell be his bond slaues. He doth na∣turally exclaime vpon Poets and Players; they are too inquisitiue about his cousonage. He com∣mends Diuinity; but makes the professors simple men when they submit to his mercy: He still preferres the authority of a Sta∣tute where it makes for his pur∣pose (though mistaken) before God and a good conscience. His Religion is the Kings conti∣nually:

And he would willingly come to C••urch on Sundaies if he had ended his Declarations: His chiefe pride is to behaue himselfe better then he is able, and chiefely in deliuering of his charge at Court-leetes, where he assumes much peremptory state, and knowes the audience cannot distinguish where hee stole his lesson: and then though his minde be not in the Dishes, it is in the K••tchin. His highest am∣bition is an Innes of Court, an old rich Widdow, and the Steward-ship of Leetes, and still hee hopes to be first of his name: Hee loues little manners but where he hopes to saue, and there he plaies the Sycophant. He had rather eate still then wipe his mouth: his Almes bee old S••ooes for Broomes, one for another; for without receiuing

he neuer giues. His discourse is commonly attended with a Scire facias, and he is ashamed in his heatt when he heares of a cunninger knaue then himselfe. Briefly, indeed hee is a meere Atturney, fit for all turnes that any way enrich his Cofer: for he hath knauery enough to cosen the people, but wit enough to deceiue the gallowes. Howso∣euer being too busy about his common baite of lucre (thin∣king to snappe at the diuels glow worme) he is catched in his common noose, the Pil∣lorie; from whence he is deliuered: but the Hunts-man markes him for for an old bree∣der.

CHARAC. XIII. A crafty Scriuener

IS the curse of mans crafty dea∣ling, a curious workeman, and may be free of the Locke-smithes, for full of Instruments hee is, and Engines: and makes Ma∣nacles for any mans wearing a∣boue Twenty One. His first am∣bition commonly is to ioyne forces, and make vp his defects of policy, and custome by par∣taking in anothers proiects: then doth hee readily aspire to frequented places, a conueni∣ent shop, the notice of his neighbours, and to engrosse credit, or some text Widdow, by the nouerint of his Grogren Gowne: A common strumpet neuer fawned so much on yong

heire, as hee with flattery ob∣serues the Vsurer, and with nice dutifull care to preserue him, makes his rotten hide, the chiefe Indentures that containe his Title. Obligations be his best prayers; for hee cannot tie God to performe conditions, or put in fuertyship: his friend∣ship hath a Counter mand of be∣ing too honest; which hee will obey, rather then not saue by the bargaine. Hee is the safest man from danger in the pedi∣gree of rapines; for first, the gal∣lant liues by sale and Country Tenants; the Cittizen by the Gallant; the Scriuener and the deuill vpon both, or all: So nei∣ther liues by losse with the Gal∣lant, nor vpon trust, with the Citizen: his condemnation is a knot of Seales and their Impres∣sion: the first discouer to him a

conformed vnity; yet none hath more hand in the procuring of variance. The last discouers a tractable nature, which giues and takes impression. Of the first (that is to giue) he knowes no meaning but when he giues the print of his fist, that it may sticke by elder brothers a whole age: Of the last (that is to take impression) hee knowes none but a wrong meaning: for the best seale that imprints loue in him, is onely the Kings picture; and that loue continues no lon∣ger then he beholds it. His quils and instruments betoken peace: you cannot therefore expect more valour in him, then to win ground by the aduantage of weake Prodigals, and such as runne away from thriftinesse: they be most importunate with him: with them hee preuailes

most: to them he sels his extor∣tious nature at the highest value, because they be most willing to make it their peny-worth. His memory is his owne; another cannot safely trust it in recko∣ning the day of payment: for he reckons what he can saue, by renewing the hazard of a se∣cond forfeit, not your losse by the first: and so he ouer-reaches you, by ouer-reaching the time, when you trust his memory: which (like an old ridden Iade) lookes not to the Iourneies end but to the baiting place, though he goes further then the iour∣nies end: If you trust him there∣fore you may feele the forfeite, and pay largely for an acquit∣tance. His learning iumps iust with, or fals sometimes short of an Atturnies; being onely able to repeate the afore-said forme

to thousand purposes: So all his mistery is indeed nothing to en∣crease his Art, but his Policy, or plaine knauery: And that, be∣ing serued in, to the worlds ban∣quet, represents a large foxes head, and a little Sheepe-skinne in diuers dishes. It is the totall of his Creed, that nothing should bee iustified, or called lawful, which hath not hand and Seale: that makes him exercise Hand and Seale, as the warrant for deuises of his head and Soule. He neuer rayses the spirit of a Prodigall by charmes, but he to∣gether rayses the spirit of mam∣mon a Citizen, and then this potent coniurer binds them both fast in a Quadrangle. Hee will seeme to know the Statute and common Law; but the con∣struction failes commonly (for he looks to his owne aduantage)

except the Law hath practised vpon his hearing, to teach the comment when he mistakes the Law. Hauing at length beene a long Auditor to the sweete le∣cture of Vsury, hee loues the matter so well, that he becomes proficient, graduate, and pro∣fessour in the Science: but after generall profession hee approa∣ches quickely to his center (from whence hee sprung) No∣thing.

CHARAC. XIIII. A Welch Client

IS a good Iourney-man, if not a good Foot-man: He is the one∣ly friend of Lawyers (if they be Welch begotten) and still solli∣cites

them for a iudgement. His valour is, that hee can by no meanes carry coales; and is therefore euer fittest for an acti∣on of the case. When hee ex∣presseth (as hee thinkes) his bounty to out braue his aduer∣sary before his Counsell, then doth hee rather and indeed ex∣presse a waspish nature: The which together with variety of purses, be the best maintenance, if not commencement, of his action. His pride lies wrapt vp in a clout betweene his legges, or in a pocket in the Arme∣hole: from thence hee drawes his Angels to feed his Lawy∣er, though himselfe sleepe sup∣per-lesse. (Howsoeuer) hee is content to bee his owne Cooke; and though his dyet bee slender, yet his mony and victuals lie within a clowtes

thickenesse, to proue him able: This might excuse him from a beggarly want of food, but rather detects him of a beg∣garly thrift. Hee makes the Tearme his time of pilgrimage, and Offices at Law, the Shrine where hee offers vp his deuotion: Which (after hee hath ended his voyage) a∣mounts to voluntary pennance; for hee trauailes bare foote. Though hee bee long in tra∣uaile and tarries late, yet no∣thing can be recouered by de∣fault of apparance: for invn∣dations be his perpetuall affida∣vit; and they alone are able to wash away all costs. The pro∣fit which hee giues to English Lawyers, hee giues generally to the Lawes profession: that proceeds from his language, which to the credite of Innes

of Court, and Law-French, he vtters harshly, to the great amazement of beholders. A peece of Parchment and a Seale throughly paid for, sa∣tisfies him presently in steed of iudgement; but otherwise he spends his faith vpon the hope of costs: And if hee dies be∣fore execution, he scarce hopes to be saued.

CHARACT. XV. A Country Bridegroome

IS the finest fellow in the Parish; and hee that misinterprets my definition, deserues no Rose∣mary nor Rose-water: Hee ne∣uer was maister of a feast before, that makes him hazard much

new complement: But if his owne Maister bee absent, the Feast is full of displeasure; ex∣cept in his latter dayes he grew rebellious; and then he must re∣moue away to his wiues Coun∣try; except his fortunes be per∣emptory. Although he points out his brauery with ribbands, yet he hath no vaine-glory; for he contemnes fine cloathes with dropping pottage in his bo∣some. The inuitation of guests, prouision of meate, getting of children, and his nuptiall gar∣ments, haue kept his braine long in trauaile; if they were not arguments of his wooing Oratory. His inuitations are single, his prouisions double, his expected children sel∣dome more then treble; but his garments at least quadru∣ple. Hee inuites by rule with∣in

in distance, where hee hopes to preuaile; not without some paraphrase vpon his meaning. But (howsoeuer) hee seemes generous: for nothing trou∣bles him, or takes away his sto∣macke more, then default of company: yet in his pro∣uision hee had rather take a∣way your stomacke then fill your belly. As for his children if he begets aboue three, hee may beget for Gods sake to store the Parish. And yet his rayment (for the time) must shew much variety. The Tay∣lor likewise must bee a vexation to him, or his cloathes would neuer sit hansomely: But (a∣boue all) a bridle in his mouth would serue better then a Pickadell; for if you restraine him from his obiects, and the engine of his necke, you put

him into the Pillory. Hee must sauour of gallantry a little; though he perfume the Table with Rose-cake; or appropri∣ate Bone-lace, and Couentry∣blew. Hee hath Heraldry e∣nough to place euery man by his Armes: But his qua∣lity smels rancke with running vp and downe to giue a hear∣tily welcome: Blame him not though hee proue preposterous: for his inclination was perhaps alwayes good, but his behauiour now begins: which is notwith∣standing (hee thinkes) well dis∣charged if when he dances, the heeles of his shooes play the Galliard. (* * *) (∵)

CHARACT. XVI. A Country Bride.

IS the beginning of the world: or an old booke with a new Title:

A quarters wages before hand, and the Title of a Coun∣try Dame bee the two Ada∣ments of her affection. She rises with a resolution to be extreme∣ly sober: this begets silence, which giues her a repletion of aire without ventage: and that takes away her appetite. Shee seemes therefore commendably sober vnto all: but she driues the Parson out of patience with her modesty, vnlesse he haue interest or be inuited: She inclines to statelines, thogh ignorant of the meaning: Her interpretor, taster, caruer, and Sewer, be theresore

accidentall; and yet without these, she were an Image to the assembly. Rosemary and Rib∣bands be her best magnificence. She will therefore bestow a Li∣very, though she receiues backe wages: behauiour stickes to her like a disease; necessity brings it; neither can she take pleasure in the custome: and therefore im∣portunacie with repetition, en∣force her to dumbe signes: o∣therwise you must not looke for an answere. She is a courteous creature: nothing proceedes from her without a courtesie: Shee hath no ornament worth observance, if her gloues be not miraculous and singular. Those be the Trophy of some forlorne sutor, who contents himselfe with a large offring, or this glo∣rious sentence, that she should haue beene his bed-fellow. Her

best commendation is to be kist often: this onely proceeds from her without interruption. She may to some, seeme very raw in cariage, but this becomes noted through the feare of discove∣ring it. No question is to bee made of her maiden-head: yet if she weepes, a question may a∣rise; as whether she doth still de∣sire to keepe it? but the answere take: away the doubt of loosing it: for neither can she repent her match before tryal, nor the losse of chastitie, seing she matcht for that purpose: but these are no∣thing to preserue her honesty: for she cannot also cunningly proceed; but like a quiet crea∣ture, wishes to loose her Gar∣ters quickly, that shee may loose her maiden-head likewise. And now she is layd.

CHARAC. XVII. My Mistresse

IS my perspectiue glasse, through which I view the worlds vani∣ty: she hath fiue seruants beside my selfe: and me (that I may stil continue dutifull) she suffers to be before hand with my wages: But I that know her coyne is counterfeit, suspect shee is a witch, and charmes the taker, or it would not else be so currant: The truth is, I first began to look vpon her, because she said she lo∣ved a Poet well, and was in part a Poetresse: for which good qua∣litie I might haue loved her like∣wise; but she was onely good at long Hexameters, or a long and a short, even for variety sake; which came so full vpon Ouids

amorous veine, that I despised her meaning. She had her edu∣cation vnder a great Countesse; and if she could leaue the court∣ship she learnt when she was a waiter, she might quickly proue a reasonable good woman. Her body is (I presume) of Gods making; and yet I cannot tell, for many parts therof she made herselfe.

Her head is in effect her whole body and attire: for from thence, and the devises there in∣gendred, proceeds her blushing modesty, her innocent white teeth, her gawdy gownes, her powdred haire, her yellow bands, her farthingals, and false Diamonds.

All these together, and a quicke fansie commend her function: for Fidlers and

Painters be full of Crotchets. I haue heard her also wish for new hands: but those she hath, will serue conveniently among them that know her properties: you need not make the question whether she can sing; for visita∣tion will teach you, that she can scarce leaue singing. And as for dauncing, she will aske the que∣stion of you. She hath the tricke of courtship, not to bee spoken with; to take Physicke, and to let her mountebancke bee the best ingredient. Her wit is Dainty, because seldome: and whatsoe∣ver is wanting in the present de∣licacie of conceit, shee makes good by rehearsall of stolne wit∣tie answeres, even to the seventh addition. She purposes to tra∣vell shortly, when as her voyage will onely returne with some

French commoditie; and shee will rather fetch it, though shee may be furnished at home, be∣cause shee loues the cheapest ware, and the outlandish fashi∣on. Her generositie extends thus farre; to bestow loue, and looke for neither thankes nor requital; because a Marmoset and little Dogge bee ignorant of both. These excepted, she never loved truely. Her morall vertues be a subtill thrift, and a thriving sim∣plicitie. But whilst she makes the best construction of a matter, she would make likewise a thou∣sand pound Ioyncture of her behaviour onely, and Court∣carriage. This bargaine is open for any man, who thinks not the peny-worth doubtfull. Her best Religion is to teach a Parret the Lords prayer; but the ten Com∣mandements be a new matter:

so that Petitions be more plausi∣ble with her, then Iniunctions: at her owne request therefore I giue this to her looking-glasse.

CHARAC. XVIII. A Gossip

IS a windie Instrument; a paire of hellowes, or indeed two: For without her fellow, she is no∣thing. These labour ioyntly as at an Alchymists furnace, onely to beget vapours: she receiues and sends backe breath with advan∣tage; that is her function. Her end is to kindle; that is, to warm, or burne: she can do both. And being quiet, or not in contenti∣on, shee is without her calling; that is, her company. Her know∣ledge is her speech; the motiue,

her tongue; and the reason her tongue also: but the subiect of her eloquence is the neighbours wife, and her husband; or the neighbours wife and husband both. Shee is the mirth of marriages, and publicke mee∣tings: but her naturall season comes in with a minc'd pye, at Christmas; when all may at∣tend with leasure. Shee carries her bladder in her braine, that is full; her braine in her tongues end, that shee empties. It was washed down thither with pints of Muscadine; and being there, shee looses it like vrine, (but in publicke) to ease her kidneyes: which would otherwise melt with anger, because she cannot be heard; or consume with ma∣lice, because she was prevented. Being once a servant, shee then learnt to runne, or goe apace;

that she might tarry and take, or giue intelligence by the way. Shee aemulates a Lawyer in ri∣ding the circuite, and therefore she keepes a circuit in, or out of her own liberties: striuing to be both one of the Iudges, Iury and false witnesses: that is her free∣dome onely, to censure. Shee contemplates within, that she may practise abroad; that makes her reveale secrets. Her mea∣ning is colour, that shee dawbes on every Fable; but in her selfe abhorres it. Her truth is, to make truths and tales converti∣bles: tales be her substance, her conceit, her vengeance, recon∣cilements, and discourse. To talke of Cookerie, or cleanli∣nesse, and to taxe others, is her best and onely commendation. To talke of what she is ignorant, yeelds her credit and presumpti∣on;

to taxe, giues a tribute to her owne praise by implication; and begets her Empire. Her lungs be everlasting: she can∣not bee short winded: if those would perish, she might bee re∣covered. Shee is alike dange∣rous with the Poxe, to the town where she inhabites: and being pledged, or admitted among the fem••les, she infects more easily. If she railes against whoredome, it favours not of devotion; for she is onely married, to escape the like scandall; from the doore outward. The buriall of a second husband giues her the title of experience; but when shee hath out-lived three, she takes autho∣ritie and experience both (as a Souldier that hath passed the pikes of three set battailes) for granted. Her commendable an∣tiquitie reaches not aboue fiftie;

for growing old, she growes o∣dious to her selfe first: And to prevent the losse of company; (having lived vainly) she com∣mences hostesse: that alone pre∣serues her humour. A mungrill print would best expresse her Character: for she is indeed a mungrell woman, or the worst part of both sexes, bound vp in one volume: seing she corrupts the best by the vse of them.

CHARAC. XIX. An old Woman

IS one that hath seene the day: and is commonly ten yeares yonger, or ten years elder by her own confession, then the people know she is: if she desires to be youthfull accounted, you may

call her Mistres, Widow, or the like; but otherwise old Mother, grandame, and such names that do seale antiquitie: the first she takes well, if childlesse: the last never well, but when shee can speake wonders to grand-chil∣dren of the third generation. If they please her, she hath old Har∣ry soueraignes, that saw no sun in fiftie yeares, to giue away on her death-bed. She loues the vpper end of the table, and professes much skill in Cookery: she thinks it also some felicitie to giue at∣tendance about sicke persons: but is the cōmon foe to all Physi∣tians. In agues, aches, coughes and tissickes, she confidently will vn∣dertake to cure by prescription: if her selfe be vntainted. As for diseases which she knowes not, shee dares proceed to Dragon∣water, Holy Thistles, Worme-wood-drinkes,

and Clister s, without the helpe of Galen, or Hippocrates: if she blushes at the Sunnes rising, her colour changes not till bed∣time: and somtimes though she drinkes downe her break-fast, by dinner time her teeth be grown, & she wil seeme to chew the cud. She may as safely walke amongst contagious Lepers, as into the kitchin, and smels infection, or perfume with the same nostrill. She hath perpetually the pride of being too cleanly, or the adhe∣rent vice of being too sluttish. She affects behaviour in the brood of youth, and will divulge her secrets of superstition to any that will be attentiue. Envy is to her a iust parable twinne, and though it be offensiue common∣ly to few, yet doth it oftentimes consume her selfe, and starue a∣way her memory.

CHARAC. XX. A Witch

IS the Diuels Hostesse: he takes house-roome and dyet of her; and yet she paies the reckoning: guilty thoughts, and a particular malice of some one person, makes her conceiue detestation of all: her policy of sequestration, to a∣void iealousie of neighbours, de∣tects her envious spirit: for the melancholy darknesse of her low cottage is a maine coniecture of infernals: her name alone (being once mounted) makes discourse enough for the whole parish: if not for all hamlets within sixe miles of the market. She receiues wages in her owne coine: for she becomes as well the obiect of e∣very mans malice, as the foun∣taine

of malice towards every man. The torments therefore of hot Iron, and mercilesse scratch∣ing nails, be long thought vpon, and much threatned (by the fe∣males) before attempted. Meane time shee tolerates defiance through the wrathfull spittle of matrons, in stead of fuell, or maintenance to her damnable intentions: she is therefore the ignorant cause of many Witches besides her selfe: for ceremoni∣ous avoidāce brings the true title to many, although they hartily scorne the name of Witches. Her actions may wel seeme to betray her high birth and pedigree: for she doth quickly apprehend a wrong before it be mentioned: and (like a great family) takes no satisfaction which doth not infinitely countervaile the a∣buse: children therefore cannot

smile vpon her without the ha∣zard of a perpetuall wry-mouth: a very Noble-mans request may be denied more safely then her petitions for small Beere: and a great Ladies, or Queenes name may be lesse doubtfully derided. Her prayers and Amen, be a charme & a curse: her con∣templations and soules-delight be other mens mischiefe: her portion and suters be her soule, and a succubus: her highest ado∣rations be Yew-trees, dampish Church-yards, & a faire Moone∣light: her best preservatiues be odde numbers, and mightie Te∣tragrammaton: these provoca∣tiues to her lust with Divels, breedes her contempt of Man; whilst she (like one sprung from the Antipodes) enioyes her best noone about midnight: and (to make the comparison hold) is

troden vnder foot by a publicke & general hatred: she is nothing, if not a Pythagorean; for she maintaines the transmigration of spirits: these doe vphold the market of bargain & sale among them; which affoords all sorts of cattell at a cheaper rate then Bankes his horse, and better in∣structed: but (like a prodigall) she is out-reached, by thinking earnest is a payment; because the day is protracted. Her affecti∣ons be besotted in affectation of her science; Shee would not else delight in Toades, Mice, or spin∣ning Cats without diuersity: It is probable she was begotten by some Mounte-bank, or Wor∣ding Poet, for she consists of as many fearefull sounds without s••ience, and vtters them to as many delusiue purposes: Shee is a cunning Statuary: and frames

many idols: these she doth wor∣ship no otherwise then with greedy scorne: and yet she is a deepe Idolater: implication is enough with her, to bespeake any mans picture, without his entreaty: for if it appeares that he can prouoke her, it implyes likewise that he desires to be re∣membred by her; and images be a certaine memoriall. Shee seldome liues long enough to attaine the Mysterie of Oynt∣ments, herbs, charmes, or In∣cantations perfectly: for age is most incident to this corrupti∣on, and destiny preuents her. But howsoeuer she be past child∣bearing, yet she giues sucke till the latest minute of fiue-score and vpwards. If she out-liues hempe, a wooden halter is strong enough: vnlesse she saues a labour.

CHARACT. XXI. A Pandar

IS the scab of a Common-wealth: surfets raise him to a blister; necessity, and want of good Surgeons, make him a mattery sore; whilst Time and Tobacco brings him to a dry scale. He is commonly the vpshot of a yon∣ger brother, who lackes Honestie and Inheritance; or the remain∣der of a prodigall, who hath lost them and himselfe. His Etymologie is Pawne-dare: which intimates; hee dares pawne his soule to damnation, or his stolne parcels to the Brokers. Bawdy songs and he came both in together; for he is no generous compani∣on except he can sing, and also compose stinking Ditties. He

hath bene a great hunter vp and downe in his daies, and there∣fore (it is no wonder) if towards a decay he become Warrener. He is the deuils Country-man or indeed acquaintance: there∣fore in the deuils absence hee proues his Deputy; and wel∣comes customers with fire∣workes: a pipe of Tobacco, and a hot Queane. His Vsher-like attendance on Publike whores hath made Coaches frequent; to distinguish them and Pri∣uate Ones. His valour is ex∣pressed in blacke patches (much about Roaring Boyes humour) but playsters, which expresse him more ventrous, hee con∣ceales. He wishes to be the first teacher of a Nouice: and (being so admitted his Tutor) hee first teaches him to beware of adul∣tery and theft, by making him

guilty before he hath offended: with which two vices hee doth first accuse him, because him∣selfe is best acquainted with those two. If he be married, hee hath diuorced himselfe, because his wife was honest, & so meanes to continue: or (beeing disho∣nest) because shee was odiously deformed, not worthy to entice others. His Creed is a matter of three Articles, and them he be∣leeues actually: First, that there is no God: secondly, that all wo∣men, and more especially that all Citizens wiues, bee, or would bee, common, or peculiar whores: & lastly, that all things are lawfull, which can escape the Lawes dan∣ger: good examples therefore preuaile with him, as showers a∣mong the stones: they make him more studious to deceiue passen∣gers: not to produce imitation

in him, nor to beget fertility in them. His Fellowships be reti∣red, and within dores: for being abroad, he is a sober lumpe of villany; delighting vnsociably (like a Cut-purse, and for the same reason) rather in multitudes then ciuill numbers. The Bawd and Hee, are chiefe confederates: with whom (together, as occasi∣on happens) the Constable hath standing wages to be an assistant; euery way as dangerous as the other two. Bowling-allies, Dicing∣houses, and Tobacco shopes, be the Temples, which Hee, and his Fraternity of Rorers, haue ere∣cted to Mercury and Fortune: In the two first he doth acknow∣ledge their Deity; in the last hee offers smoking incense to them both; in recompence of booty gotten by Chance and cheating. If the Gallowes be disappointed

of his destiny, they can blame nothing but his tender bones, which could not brooke so long a iourney; or a whores quar∣rell, whilst Wine was his Leader.

FINIS.

Notes

• Liuing lice.
• That which a∣agrees with a co∣uetous mans gain, agrees with his consci∣ence; ther∣fore what goes a∣gainst his profit, goes against his conscience
• Hee be∣ing ready to disturbe or not di∣sturbe their cu∣stomers, as they shall in∣struct him.