Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens

CHARACT. XVIII. A Churle

IS the sup••rfluity of solemne beha∣uiour: And was intended for an allay to fif••y light louiall con∣stitutions; but Nature being then otherwise employed, hee was (against her will) made a monstrous lump of Humanity; through the negligence of her hand-maids, or the malice of her enemies bad education and nutriment. Hee is the vnsocia∣ble sonne of Saturne, that lookes strangely at the face of man, as if hee were another thing then himselfe. He thinkes, to be fami∣liar is to betray himselfe; and that the world might plentiful∣ly be inhabited, by him onely, and a couple of drudges. If you be ciuill, he saith you are phan∣tastick;

and friendly language he termes flattery. No estate, no aduancement, can remoue his humour: for hee doth not liue (whilst he liues not disconten∣ted) but sleepes, or counterfeits. He thinkes salutations were or∣dained to beguile, or betray; hee loues not therefore to salute, or be saluted. Hee will refuse gifts, that come from reconciled foes, and thinkes an iniury can neuer be forgotten. On equall termes likewise, he is heartily vnwilling to receiue, except (in glory) he can ouer-value his deserts, by thinking he hath deserued tenne times more. A selfe-respect, and a disdaine of others, be his nou∣rishing vices: So he chuses ra∣ther to loose a bargaine, then to become a debtor; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale, then to be beholding. If

you enquire his health, or the times newes, hee dares protest you are an impertinent, or a shallow companion. Other mens triumph is his sorrow, o∣ther mens sorrow his triumph: for in his conscience he hath re∣ioyced never, if not in mis-for∣tunes of some, or all. His owne adversitie quickens him to re∣ioyce at others misery. He can∣not therefore bee saved, seeing he admits company as a delight, in nothing but desolation: and then, not their company, but their passion. His entertainments be, a fierce dogge to bid you wel∣come, a currish voyce to con∣firme it, and the way is open for a fare-well. The two first be appa∣rant, the latter hee intends: So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours; but impotent people he threatens in another

kinde with Whippe, stockes, and Beadle, they onely be his famili∣ars and defenders. His Dogge, and hee, are the onely good fel∣lowes; and his dogge proues the better man, by being more tra∣ctable. He will prevent you in a commoditie, and giue more; as also, hee dares discredit any thing, or any, not with a mea∣ning to commend his owne, but to endammage others. He will bee shaven all wayes to the best helpe of a deformitie: and though his actions will soone verifie the Character, yet he will more mis-shape na∣ture by ill-favoured Linnen, a greasie felt, and Garments made for the purpose; as if hee meant to discover himselfe by the fore-head, least hee should not be knowne quickly. He is sa∣tisfied vpon the smallest wrong,

and will rather take the lawes assignment, though a trifle, then be content with large composi∣tion: yet none doth more grum∣ble against the Law-professors. He listens to the death of great personages, as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter; reioy∣cing to be glutted with his en∣trailes, or vices, seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth, the best food. It fattens him to heare a prodigalls con∣sumption, though hee partakes nothing in the ••ootie. If you fasten a gift vpon him, his thankes bee liberall, though he doth not requite: if hee doth not brand you with an insinu∣ating Title; yet in extremitie of his passion he is so farre (as hee thinkes) from being vncharita∣ble, as he makes the charitie of Counsell, Purse, or Assistance,

things that would giue little thanke for his labour: and so he practises them vnder the ranke of such things as doe not con∣cerne him: He saith therefore, Meddle with me, when I meddle with you. So that if shame pro∣vokes his wealth to invite stran∣gers, he hath no bountifull mea∣ning, but a resolution to liue by broken meate long after, which doth not savour well, except it be mouldy: that, and himselfe there∣fore, should be spent sooner; o∣therwise they grow visibly odi∣ous, but himselfe more odious then that.

Notes

• na••••r ••••n∣tendit op••••¦mum.