Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens

Two Bookes of Cha∣racters. The first Booke.

CHARACTER. I. An Impudent Censurer

IS the torture-mon∣ger of wit, ready for execution be∣fore Iudgement. Nature hath dealt wisely with him in his outside; for it is a priuiledge against con∣futation, and will beget modesty in you to see him out-face: He is so fronted with striuing to dis∣countenance

knowledge, by the contempt of it, as you would thinke him borne to insolence, though indeed it bee habituall and comes by negligence of his company, which rather seeke to laugh and continue, then to re∣forme his vanity. A Chimney-sweeper may conuerse with him very safely, without the hazard of blushing; and so may any that will contemne his igno∣rance: buffets will conuince him better then language or reason: That proues him ranke-bestiall, descended from the walking Ape; which on the Mountaines seeme carefull Inhabitants, but at your approach, the formality of man onely. The Land-theefe, and Sea-captaine, be neuer lesse out of their way; but wiser com∣monly about their obiect: They spare to wound poore trauel∣lers,

but he incounters any thing not worth eye-sight. A wise mans minde gouernes his body, his minde is onely restrained by a bodily feare: And if you hope to be released of what he dares, you must inforce him to what he dares not; and then you shall perceiue him to be the comi∣call braggard, or the gingling spur. Lay aside this medicine and he is incurable; for hee is so ra∣uisht with his owne folly, as hee often commends what he misin∣terprets, and still dispraises (if he scorne the Author) because hee cannot perceiue. To commend therfore and discommend what he conceiues not, is alike tolera∣ble and equall. The wilde Ara∣bian comprehends him fully; for as the one, so the other, takes tri∣bute and exaction of all passen∣gers, except acquaintance and

familiars: if any thing makes him praise-worthy, this must, or nothing; because he seemes (by this means) morall in frendship; and so in some kind vertuous: But his applause and detraction, are both odious, because aboun∣ding through his meere plea∣sure. When all Trades perish, he may turne Shop keeper, and deale with ballance; For in weights and measures none is more deceitfull. Hee ponders pithy volumes by the dram or scruple, but small errours by the pound. If he takes courage in his humour, he haunts the Au∣thours company, recites the worke, intends it to some third person, and after he hath damnd the thing in question, hee refers himselfe to the right owner; who, if hee be there manifest, must coniure this deuill quicke∣ly,

or he will seeme honest, and craue satisfaction: but call his life in question, and he betraies his guiltinesse, which then accu∣ses him of false dealing howso∣euer; yes, though he hath com∣mented rightly; for he com∣mends ignorantly, and discom∣mends scandalously. For deligh∣ting in his humour, he makes his Free-hold an Inheritance: put it to the hazard, and he will com∣pound for the title.

CHARACT: II. A Compleate Man

IS an impregnable Tower: and the more batteries he hath vn∣dergone, the better able he is to continue immoueable. The time & he are alwaies friends: for he is

troubled with no more then hee can well employ; neither is that lesse, then will euery way dis∣charge his Office; So he neither surfets with Idlenesse, nor action. calamities, & Court-prefermēts do alike moue him, but cannot remoue him: Both challenge from him a conuenient vse, no vilde indeuour, either to swell or dispaire. His religion, learning, and behauiour, hold a particular correspondence: He commands the latter, whilst himselfe and both be commanded by the first. Hee holds it presumption to know, what should be looked, or thought vpon with wonder; and therefore rather then he will ex∣ceed, hee can be lesse then him∣selfe: accounting it more noble to imitate the fruitfull bough which stoopes vnder a pretious burthen; then applaud the tall

eminence of a fruitlesse Birch∣tree: knowing Humility is a fit∣ter step to knowledge, then Pre∣sumption. He smiles vpon Vice and Temptation first, seeming to allure it, till, without suspici∣on, hee may soone disrobe and disarme it: For hauing laboured to know the strength of follie, he knowes it to be his Captiue. From hence proceeds his victo∣rie, in that he can preuent mis∣chiefe, and scorne the advan∣tage of basenesse. His worthi∣nesse to bee rewarded hee may conceale: but his desire to doe nobly, in a better kinde, his acti∣ons will not suffer to bee vn∣knowne; by which the world can iudge he deserues, and saue him from the scandall of a Cunning Hypocrite. If merites direct him in the way to honor, they do not leaue him in the way to honour;

but are his best attendants to ac∣company his whole preferment: For to deserue what hee ob∣taines, and to deserue no more, is sluggish; to deserue after a thing bestowed, is duely thanke∣full; But a continued merit stops accusation. Whatsoeuer he bor∣rowes of the world, is by him∣selfe paid back with double inte∣rest: For what hee obserues, passeth through the forge of his wisedome, which refines it; and the file of his practise, which confirmes it as a good patterne: So the interest exceeds the prin∣cipall, and (which exceeds all) praiseth the vsurer. The name of guilt (with him) is vanished vn∣der the charme of a good con∣science: which with his eye-sight saue his tast a labor: for he knows what experience can teach, but is not taught by experience.

Hee is faithfully his owne friend: and accepts the friendship of others for his owne sake; but im∣parts his owne for others. When he loues, hee loues first: from hence hee chalenges a double honour: for Loue and Prioritie is a two-fold merit. Hee lackes nothing to ingender happinesse; for he can spare nothing that he enioyes; he enioyes it so honest∣ly: And that hee hath already, serues to purchase new content∣ment. For as he liues, his capaci∣tie is enlarged, though before it were sufficient for his other fa∣culties: they be most numerous when himselfe is nothing: for being dead, hee is thought worthier then aliue: then hee departs to his aduance∣ment.

CHARACTER. III. A good Husband

IS the second part of a good man: hee chalenges no more nor lesse from Art or Nature, then doth become his facultie, and giue comfort to his wife; so he doth not (by striuing to please) seeme low minded; nor by ouer-valuing his proper∣ties, proue a tyrant. His behaui∣our and discourse promise no more then he meanes, and may very well iustifie. Hee is not al∣together to bee chosen by the common weight, or standard; for his best parts be invisible. A good wife shal know him quick∣ly to bee worth her taking: for h••e enquires out her worthi∣nesse first. He is not therefore

put to much trouble of being denied twice: for if hee thinkes he can prevaile amisse, prevaile too soone, or not prevaile, be∣cause hee is too good; hee hath the modesty to refuse first: but otherwise, if opinion dares sus∣spect, and so refuse him first, hee may account it happinesse, be∣cause he was refused so soone: hauing (by that meanes) escaped one who could not discerne him. The honor of a good wife makes him no more vnpractised in the patience of a bad, then if hee conversed with her: so his ver∣tues be habituall, not enforced. The misery of a bad wife like∣wise hath no more ••nraged him to discredit all, then the worthi∣nesse of a good one hath moued him to bee an Idolater: So his blessing is, not to augment his curse, or curse his blessing. The

highest end of his marriage pre∣meditated, is to resolue how he may desire it without end. Hee feeles not the absence of youth by a decay in lust; but measures the approach of a crooked body by his entire affection. Hee nei∣ther deceiues himselfe with a foolish confidence, nor drawes a disadvantage to himselfe, by being distrustfull: for he may bee acquainted with those, to whom hee cannot safely com∣mit his wealth, much lesse his wiues honesty; but hee never suspects, before he be past suspi∣tion, and every thing be appa∣rant. Hee hath (notwithstan∣ding) no friend whom hee dares make his deputie. Hee seekes ra∣ther to bee well knowne, then commonly noted: for beeing knowne, hee cannot bee mista∣ken; but otherwise it is very

doubtfull. Hee hates not her, but hers; and that with a hope to make her detest herselfe, not bee divorced from him: for hee couets rather to bee daily amending her, then make a new hazard, or want resolution. Hee may dislike therefore his wiues humour, and loue her in the same quantitie. Hee cannot bee chosen, because a better is absent: for hee is himselfe, the president & the paterne. He can∣not therefore be refused, if he be well known: For being good, hee proues the best, and beeing so, the best Husband.

CHARACTER. IIII. A Contented Man

IS a faire building in the bot∣tome of a Valley: you can dis∣cerne nothing about him, vn∣lesse you approach neere, and nothing in him worth himselfe, vnlesse you doe proceed. There is no land like vnto his owne conscience: that makes him sow and reape together: for acti∣ons bee (with him) no sooner thoughts, then they proue com∣forts, they bee so full of Inno∣cence. His life therfore is a con∣tinuall haruest: his countenance and conuersation promise hope; they both smile vpon their ob∣iect: neither doth the end faile his purpose: for his expectation was indifferent and equall, ac∣cording

to the meanes. Events therefore cannot oppresse him; for he propounded all, before he vndertooke some; and saw the extreamest poynt of danger, be∣fore he did imbarke. He medles no further with vncertainties, then losse and lucre be alike in accident: for doubtfull things of moment, make men stagger; whilst hope and feare distracts them. If probable and lawfull meanes deceiue him, they can∣not trouble him: for he ascribes nothing to himselfe, that is a∣boue him. When Gods deter∣minations doe therefore disap∣poynt; hee neither maruailes, nor mis-interprets. Neglected fortunes, and things past, hee leaues behinde; they cannot keepe pace with him. The neces∣sity of things absent, he measures by his meanes: but as for things

impossible, hee could neuer be∣gin to affect them. And in the quest of future proiects, hee ne∣uer doth transgresse the pesent comfort. Hee can with as much selfe-credit bee a Captiue, as a promoted Courtier. Dignities may do him honour, not entice him: povertie may threaten, and be peremptory, but cannot o∣uer-come. Riches may make his honesty more eminent, not more exquisite. Hee is so far from ad∣ding malice to any, that he can praise the merits of an enemy. Anger and Revenge bee two turbulent passions: in him (therefore) the first shewes one∣ly that hee can apprehend: the last, that he can iustly prevent further mischiefe. So he neither doth insult through anger; nor satisfie his bitternesse by re∣venge. Repentance, which with

some proues melancholly, with him proues a delightfull assu∣rance: for seldome doth hee lament things meerely vici∣ous, so much as vertues im∣perfectly attempted. Hee vn∣dertakes every thing with more advantage, then any (but him∣selfe) can imitate: for beeing voyd of troublesome vexation, his willing minde makes the way lesse difficult. His poli∣cie and close dealing doe not disturbe his time of pleasure, or his quiet dreames: For he can awake with as much delight in day, and sleepe with as much solace in the darke, as either his intimate purpose can awake to every mans ap∣plause; or bee concealed to his owne safetie, and no mans detriment. Hee doth not rea∣dily incurre anothers rage;

nor doth hee raile against him∣selfe; for he cannot bee before hand with quarrelsome engage∣ments; nor rashly run into a ma∣nifest error. He doth not there∣fore (when all approue him) mis∣call himselfe, closely, damned Hypocrite, or lewd villaine. He feeles more felicitie in this, that he can forbeare to enioy a∣ny thing, rather then let any thing enioy him; or rather then hee will enioy any thing indi∣rectly. He is not so selfe-subsist∣ing that hee scornes to borrow; so shamelesse, that hee borrowes all: nor so alone contented, that others doe not partake in his freedome: or so absolute in free∣dome, that hee becomes not more absolute by the vse of o∣thers. Hee makes more ill mea∣••ings good, by good constru∣••tion, more haplesse events ho∣nest

by a lawfull confidence, and more dangerous vndertakings easie, by a calme proceeding, then the contrary. For (whilst hee knowes Iealousie as a feare∣full, eating, and distastfull vice) hee cannot suspect without the cautions of why, whom, how, where and when. Briefly, beeing contented, hee is content to be happy: and being so, he thriues best when hee thinkes best: he does more then he vndoes. He wins more often then he saues: and, like the Caspian Sea, re∣maines the same vnchangeable.

CHARACT. V. A good Emperour

IS the second Sauiour to Christi∣anity, and a direct center of his

peoples loue: his greatnesse ex∣tends rather to posterity, then is confident of pedigree. He may be counselled or confirmed, but his election remaines peculiar. His obiect therefore (to dis∣cerne) may be infinite, or extra∣vagant; but paterns (to imitate) must be supernal; for he acknow∣ledges but one supremacy, and in that remembers a succession: which makes him leaue mans precepts vnto frailty, view honor as a thing mediate, himselfe im∣mediatly next to his Creator, and doth onely know his high commission a determinable po∣wer, not know and murmure. He lackes nothing of divinitie, but time in his prerogatiue, the want of which takes away eternitie: so all the honour which relates to him for Gods sake, conueighes it selfe to God for his owne. His

feare doth vanish into loue or anger; for he may embrace or con∣quer, but cannot submit. His roy∣all bounty is as well prompt to take with honour, as to giue with liberty. And as hee can deserue nothing because on him depēds every thing: so is he not by any man to be deserued, because vn∣to him every man owes his whole Inheritance. If therfore hee doth giue where subiects docōdemne; or chuse when multitudes aban∣don; he doth but manifest his free desires, and shew affinity be∣twixt himselfe & holines: which raises from the dunghill to the scepter; and from the most ob∣scure disdain of vulgar thoughts vnto the state of happinesse. Nay oftentimes this secret in pub∣licke office, proues true; That men without the aid of birth, and glory of famous merit, lack only

so good an entrance, but haue commonly a better ending: or at least, striue more to at∣taine what others presume vppon. The event therefore makes his large prerogatiue true wisedome, which may bee mis-interpreted weaknesse. The Lyon, a King of beasts, is reco∣uered in sicknesse, by eating an Ape; and a good King by devou∣ring flatterers.

CHARAC. VI. A worthy Poet

IS the purest essence of a wor∣thy Man: He is confident of nature in nothing but the form, and an ingenious fitnesse to conceiue the matter. So he ap∣proues nature as the motiue, not

the foundation or structure of his worthinesse. His workes doe every way pronounce both nou∣rishment, delight, and admirati∣on to the readers soule: which makes him neither rough, effe∣minate, nor windy: for by a sweet contemperament of Tune and Ditty, hee entices others to goodnesse; and shewes himselfe perfect in the lesson. Hee never writes vpon a full stomacke, and an empty head; or a full head, and an emptie stomacke. For he cannot make so Diuine a re∣ceptacle stoope to the sordid folly of gall or enuy, without strength: or strength of braine stoope, and debase it selfe with hunting out the bodies suc∣cour. Hee is not so impartiall as to condemne every new fashion, or taxe idle circum∣stance; nor so easie as to allow

vices, and account them gene∣rous humours. So hee neither seekes to enlarge his credit of bitternesse, by a snarling seve∣ritie; nor to augment his substance by insinuating court∣shippe. Hee hath more debt∣tors in knowledge among the present Writers, then Credi∣tors among the ancient Poets. Hee is possessed with an inno∣cent libertie, which excludes him from the slavish labour and meanes of setting a glosse vp∣pon fraile commodities. What∣soever therefore proceeds from him, proceedes without a mea∣ning to supply the worth, when the worke is ended; by the addi∣tion of preparatiue verses at the beginning; or the dispersed hire of acquaintance to extoll things indifferent. He does not there∣fore passionatly affect high pa∣tronage,

or any further then hee may giue freely; and so receiue back honest thankes. The dange∣rous name and the contempt of Poets, sprung from their multi∣tude of corruptions, proues no disaduantage or terrour to him: for such be his antidotes that he can walke vntouched, euen through the worst infection. He is no miserable selfe-louer, nor no vnbounded prodigall: for he can communicate himselfe wise∣ly to auoide dull reseruednesse, but not make euery thought common, to maintaine his mar∣ket. It must be imputed to his perfect eye-sight, that he can see error, and auoide it without the hazard of a new one: As in Po∣ems, so in proiects, by an easie coniecture. Hee cannot flatter, nor bee flattered: If hee giues Desert, hee giues no more;

and leaues Hyperbole in such a matter of importance: As for himselfe, he is so well knowne vnto himselfe, that neither pub∣licke fame, nor yet his owne con∣ceite, can make him ouervalued in himselfe. Hee is an enemy to Atheists; for he is no Fatist nor Naturalist: hee therefore ex∣cludes Lucke and Rime, from the acceptance of his Poems; scor∣ning to acknowledge the one as an efficient, the other as an essence, of his Muses fauour. Hee paies back all his imitation with interest; whilst his Authors (if reuiued) would confesse their chiefe credit was to bee such a patterne: otherwise (for the most part) he proues himselfe the pat∣terne, and the proiect in hand: Siluer onely and sound mettall comprehends his nature: rub∣bing, motion, and customary

vsage, makes the brightnesse of both more eminent. No mer∣uaile though he be Immortall, seeing he conuerts poyson into nourishment; euen the worst obiects and societies to a wor∣thy vse. When he is lastly silent (for he cannot die) hee findes a Monument prepared at others cost and remembrance, whilst his former actions bee a liuing Epitaph.

CHARACT. VII. An honest Lawyer

IS a precious Diamond set in pure gold, or one truely honest, and a compleate Lawyer: The one giues glory to the other; and be∣ing diuided, they be lesse valua∣ble. Diuinity, and a corrected

nature, make him habituall in the first; but studious labor, & a dis∣cursiue braine make him equal, if not absolute, in the last: he knows Law to be the M^ris of man, & yet hee makes Honesty the M^ris of Law. The first therefore may ex∣ceed the last; but the last neuer hath predomināce in him, with∣out the other. He is too diuine to be tempted with feare, fauor, Mi∣nerals, or Possessions; and too di∣uine not to be tempted with per∣fect knowledge, & a pittifull cō∣plaint: he hath as much leasure to conferre with conscience, in the most busy Terme, as in the dead∣est Vacation: And he is alwaies more diligent to maintain wron∣ged pouerty, then attentiue to allow iniurious Greatnesse: hee can as freely refuse a prodigall, or enforced bounty, as hee can accept or demand due recom∣pence:

He resorts to London with a more full braine, then empty bags, and (at his returne) he pur∣ses vp more full comfort, then yellow coine. He cannot bee so cōfident as to persist in error; nor so ignorāt as to erre by weaknes: When therefore (through an a∣boundance) some knowledge is confounded; his errour onely proues a doubtfull question; and serues to reduce scattered rem∣nants into methode. The multi∣tude of contentions make not him reioice in the number, but in the difficulty; that truth may appeare manifest to our proge∣ny. He railes not against the vi∣ces of his profession, but makes his profession commendable by his owne practise of vertue: his Clients disease of being suspēded touches him like his own sicknes; hee dares not giue a dangerous purgation to dispatch him, nor

by negligence and delay, let the euill grow inward and incorpo∣rate; to strengthen it selfe, or con∣sume the patient. He is therefore exquisit in preseruatiues against the consumption; though per∣haps he may faile in restoratiues to support weakenesse. Hee may well bee a president to the best Physitians; for he vndertakes no cure when he perceiues it incli∣ning to bee desperate: So hee makes the cause, and not his Client, the obiect of his labour. If hee hath fauour enough to make truth be currant, he lookes no further: which he needs not to patch businesse; nor would he willingly pursue it; if truth were not often discountenanced. Hee doth therefore at a Iudges death lament the death of his learning, not his owne priuate lucre: Hee can ride the circuit, and scorne

to be circular. He hath no lea∣sure to protract time or saue his Clients opinion with iests pre∣meditated, or windy inferences: His modesty was neuer below his courage in a good cause; nor his courage inclining to impu∣dence, though hee were still ho∣nored with a prosperous euent. He owes so much worship to desert and innocence, that hee can as faithfully applaud suffici∣ent worth, as not insult ouer, or exclaime against dull igno∣rance. He is miraculously pre∣serued against incantations: the strongest spell cannot charme him silent, nor the most temp∣ting spirit prouoke him to a vaine pleading. He dares know, and professe in spight of poten∣cy; he dares be rich and honest in despight of custome: And if he doth not grow from a good

man, to a reuerend Title, hee scornes to bee a Traytor and blame tyranny; but he descends below his owne vnworthinesse. Briefly, he is a pretious vessell, he indures the rest, and the defi∣ance of time: hee is a sound com∣modity which neuer failes the Customer: and doth heartily confesse that whosoeuer swarues from this patterne, swarues from honesty, though he be deepely learned: Howsoeuer, he thinkes a Lawyer deepely learned can∣not chuse but be honest; except multitude of Clients oppresse him.

CHARACT. VIII. A Detractor

IS his owne priuate foe, and the worlds professed enemy: He

is indeed an obstinate heretick, and if you will conuert him, you must anew create him likewise: he is of the Mahumetā sect which hath despised all religious Arts, and Sciences, except the confu∣sion of all; so he approues con∣tinually the worst things among many good, and condemnes that which is iudiciously com∣mended: to read therefore and refuse, makes vp the best part of his iudgement. His fiue senses haue a mortall combat with all obiects, that afford sense, or any thing vpon which they fasten: his eye could neuer yet behold a woman faire enough, or ho∣nest enough, on whom he might bestow the sincere part of his affection: but he marries one to beget an equall society of froward children: his eare was neuer well contented with a de∣licious

tune, for the left is onely open, and that onely apt to con∣ceiue discords through a custo∣mary habit; which hath reiected all, and therefore will: For that he once hath, and is againe min∣ded to oppose worthinesse, giues him both reason and encourage∣ment to continue spightfull: but (to our comfort be it spoken) his enuy ends commonly with him∣selfe, or at most, indeuours no otherwise then a nasty passen∣ger, to rubbe against, and defile faire outsides, because himselfe is loathsome: hee stops his nose if a perfume approch, but can well endure a stinking draft, or kennell, and embrace the sauour: His palate hath no relish except hee may discommend his dyet, and yet hee consumes all to the very fragments: hee tou∣ches or takes vp nothing which

is not blasted by him with a naturall defiance; or at least hee will vtter the manifest forme of discontent. His tongue, the He∣rald of his imagination, is a bu∣sie officer, and will (without question) challenge the same reward of him, that it doth of women; for it dispatcheth the same seruice, and deserues therefore (proportionably alike) to bee called the maine pro∣perty of each: hee is not inferi∣our also to a woman in malice; for shee is that way limited, though vndeterminable: but hee transcends; accounting it his pompe to be infinitely licen∣tious towards all. Hee railes against the Sate, and speakes treasons confidently to himselfe alone, expecting an euent of his desires: Nay, sometimes he is taken (through the licence of

his tongue, and a litle sufferance of the company) in peremptory speeches that bring him to his answere: Neither will he hearken to reformation, till he lackes his cares: Hee is not (if a Church∣man) ashamed to quarrell, first with his Patron, and openly dis∣claime against the poore value of his Benefice: If, a common humorist, hee will diminish the worth likewise of a gift, before the giuers face; and lookes to the disconueniences, not the cōmo∣dity, he receiues by possession. A slight Arithmetician may cast vp the totall sum of his Character: & by substraction (being the bo∣dy of his soule) may find him vn∣der the value of an honest man, aboue halfe in halfe: for he lacks Charity, and so comes short six degrees of a good Christian: and therfore is an egregious coward

because he scornes to iustifie, ex∣cept hee railes against the dead; thither he hastens being vnwor∣thy to liue longer.

CHARACT. IX. An Humorist

IS the shadow of Vnderstanding, the traitor to Reason, or the vani∣ty of a better man: Bloud-letting, a good whip, honest company, or reasonable instructions might (at the first) recouer him. But if he continues among laughing spirits one quarter, the disease will grow inward, and then the cure growes desperate. If his humour bee hereditary, hee is more familiar with it, and makes it the principall vertue of his family: If imitation breedes a habite, hee makes it the pledge

of sworne brother-hood, or at least the fauour of new acquain∣tance: he neuer is infected sin∣gle, or with one onely; for either he is now admitted to the seue∣rall orders; or hee is prompt enough to subscribe generally when occasion peeps. You must not dare to discommend, or call in question, his behauiour seri∣ously with his companions; for thogh you cannot cal the humor lawfull, it is sufficient if you can cal it his humor. You may iustly forbeare to restraine him; for if he be truely adopted, he thinkes it an especiall part to be respect∣lesse. Tobacco is a good whet∣stone for his property; hee doth seldome therefore forget to pro∣uoke his constitution this way: & (by being insatiate) he knowes well his humor may escape the search of reason, by vertue of the

mist. He hath from his cradle bin swadled vp, with much obstinate and peremptory affectation: It being indeed cōmonly the cha∣racter of his ripest age, to sup∣port that freely in his man-hood, which was forbidden in the spark of his minority: hee neuer slips opportunity with deliberation; hee is therefore prompt enough to begin; and the reason of his act is enough, though onely that he hath begun, because humor is the motiue. There is nothing within the compasse of thought so triuiall, so absurd, and mon∣strous, which his vanity will not auerre to be ponderous, decent, and naturall. Neither will he ab∣hor to iustifie them by his owne practise, against all opposers. He trauailes vp and downe like Tom of Bedlem, vnder the title of mad Rascall, Witty Rogue, or Notable

mad sla••e, and these attributes be a more effectuall oratory to ap∣plaud his humour, then a direct cōmendation. He will not some∣times (vpō smal discontinuance) vouchsafe to acknowledge, or (at least) know, his familiar friends, without much impertinence and Interrogatories of their name, or habitation; whilst another time, hee dares aduenture his know∣ledge, & salutations vpon meere aliens. Hee is very much distra∣cted, and yet I wonder how the frenzy should be dangerous; for he neuer breaks his braine about the study of reason or inuention: seeing his humour is the priui∣ledge of both: It is therfore suffi∣ciēt for him to be extreme melā∣choly, & be most ignorant of the cause or obiect; and suddenly to be vnmeasurably frolick without prouocation: whilst hee is onely

beholding to a brainlesse tempe∣rature in discharge of his cre∣dit. He will converse freely with Serving-men & Souldiers with∣in 12. houres; & presently when the ague hath once seized him, he proues tyrannicall and inso∣lent towards the silly vermin. He never brake a vow in his whole life, or brake vowes continually: for either they haue not suted with his variety, to be intended, or hee hath intended to obserue them no longer then might a∣gree with his body, which ebbes and flowes. When hee growes old, and past voyce, he learns for∣raigne languages: as if, when he had dined, hee should devoure the sauce. In a word, he is a chiefe commander of actions, but no command••r of himselfe; being in his best brauery but a Turkish Slaue, ever subiect to desire

and appetite: according to their paterne, hee is himselfe to him∣selfe praise-worthy, or elegant; but to worthinesse it selfe, odi∣ous.

CHARAC. X. A. Coxcombe

IS a needlesse Ornament: Hee takes the vpper hand of a foole, and of a wise man also; and in opinion is as good as a Courtier. His education hath beene (from a childe) tenderly fearefull; and the mother re∣mains still afraid of his fortunes, least his politicke wisedome should hazard them too farre: whilst his fortunes hazard his wisedome. Hee hath beene al∣wayes a yong Master, and yoked

his eares first to insinuation, vn∣der some oylie-tong'd seruant, or flattering Tutor. To know he hath rich kindred, and to de∣riue a pedigree; satisfie his va∣lour, learning, proficience in e∣state or credit with meere con∣templation. So much indeed doth he hang vpon the pillars of his gentry. As it shall therefore be the first preparatiue of his ac∣quaintance to salute, and aske What countrey-man your Father is, of what house: or he will enquire his demesnes onely (of some neighbour:) and if your body be hansome, your cloathes pro∣portionable, your parents weal∣thy; he hath purchased an ever∣lasting friend. A round oath is valour enough, a foolish Dittie Art enough, and good fellow∣ship honesty enough. The truth is, he scornes to bee a searcher,

and thinkes it enough for his Taylor to medle with linings. But in the circumstance of ma∣king your cloathes, the price of your Beaver and silke stockins, your purpose to travaile, or of your long absence; The Spanish Inquisition cannot be so vnmer∣cifull. He is contented richly, nay absolutely, to be taken onely for a harmlesse man. The gene∣rositie and noble carriage of his discourse, is to run desperate∣ly into the name of some coura∣gious gallant Knight, or some Baron in favour: if their alliance to his family can be detected, he giues way with an apparant re∣lish. He is very well fitted for all societies, if his out-side be suta∣ble; further then which he never conversed with himselfe effectu∣ally. Nor can I wonder, though he payes deerely, and preserues

cloathes delitiously; seeing those alone are the maintenance of his whole worth; and therefore you shall perceiue him more furi∣ously engaged about the ren∣ding of his doublet, or a little lace, then a magnanimous box, or a bastinado. He is ambitious∣ly giuen to be promoted, either by some embassage to divulge his pedigree, and learne fashi∣ons, or by entertainment of some chiefe Noble men to dis∣cover his bountie; and (withall) his stipendious affection. Hee shifts his familiars by the sur∣vey of prospect, and the exter∣nals; but his directions proceed from the proverbe of like to like, rather then Physiognomy. Hee is credulous and confident: the lesse certainty hee hath of a re∣port, the more publicke hee is, and peremptory. Hee commits

the best part of his vnderstan∣ding to a talkatiue Barber: with whom he is the more fre∣quent; because he thinks, to haue a curle pate, is to haue a visible wit. He would be Physicall, and iustly; for not to preserue his fol∣ly in health, were to deceiue the world of his paterne: but being merry for disgestion, his laugh∣ter is exorbitant, causelesse, end∣lesse, and like himselfe. His sa∣fest course will bee to marry: nothing makes him so sensible as a wise, good or badde; till then, the further he flies from his Character, he becomes it the more natural∣ly. * * *

CHARAC. XI. A Ranke obseruer

IS his owne Comoedy, and his own Audience: for whatsoeuer hee frames by experience, hee ap∣plauds by custome: but being out of his element, he is an Eele in a sand-bagge; for he, wanting the humor of his wrested obser∣vance, falles away into ignorant silence. Hee is arrogant in his knowledge so far, as he (thinks) to study men, will excuse him from the labour of reading, and yet furnish him with absolute ra∣rities, fit for all fashions, all dis∣courses. He is a very promiscu∣ous fellow; and from thence pro∣ceeds the vice which makes him without difference, compre∣hend ponderous and triviall pas∣sages

vnder the same degree of value or estimation. For what∣soever becomes his politicke vent, becomes his vnderstan∣ding. When he doth therefore fill vp the vessell of his conceits, he hath regard to such things as may bee vttered with most ad∣vantage, either of money among the plaiers, or reputation among the generall gallants of our Cit∣tie. He takes account of all hu∣mours, and through the practise of a contempt to all, he partakes in all: for hee vses what he de∣rides, vnder the priviledge of scorne, and so makes it familiar. So the largest benefit which o∣thers reape by contemning the vice in himselfe, arises beyond his purpose or intention: for he extends to others no further then agrees with his owne gree∣dy constitution, meaning to

credit, or enrich himselfe; not a∣mend others: by which meanes all his goodnesse is accidentall. He doth (notwithstanding) in some poynts resemble vertue; but in the worst manner. For being impartiall, he playes the tyrant; and sels the vices of his deerest friends to discoverie, by playes or pamphlets, but is con∣tent that they should stil reserue them to their future infamie: So hee becomes sooner excluded oftentimes from society, then his flattring shifts can readily repaire. Flattery and insinuati∣on be indeed the number of his thriving morall vertues, through which (vnder a pretence of faire meaning) he takes occasion to betray the marrow of mans vari∣etie: and this affoords fuell for his bitter derision. His Table∣bookes be a chiefe adiunct, and

the most significant Embleme of his owne qualitie, that man may beare about him: for the wiping out of old notes giue way to new: and he likewise, to try a new disposition, will final∣ly forsake an ancient friends loue; because he consists of new enterprises. His capacity is ap∣prehensiue in a strange measure: if he were lesse capable, he might be more commended. For hee incroaches often vpon admit∣tance (where things be well de∣livered) to multiply his obser∣uation: and yet hee will verifie the thing, as if it were now com∣mitted. If hee converts to a de∣serving qualitie, hee will pro∣pound the credit of a good mea∣ning no stipend for his vaine discoueries. Till then, he must intreate to be suspected, or odi∣ous, whilst he whispers closely a∣mong

free companions: Nei∣ther must he hope to amend the Age, or himselfe; because he ne∣ver intended the first; and the last he forgets (though he inten∣ded it) through vaine glory; as being transported with his pride onely, that he hath obser∣ved, and can obserue againe. Briefly, he resembles a foolish patient, who takes a costiue pill to loosen his body: for whilst hee meanes to purge himselfe by observing other humors, hee practises them by a shadow of mockage, and so becomes a more fast corruption: if he doth not therefore feele the disease, hee dies hide-bound. (* * *)

CHARACT: XII. A Parish Polititian

IS Machiavels Mungrell Puppy; taken from schoole before he hath learned true Latine; and therfore in triviall things onely, hee partakes with the Sire; be∣cause he lackes true breeding, and true bringing vp. Hee la∣bours commonly for opinion where he is so well knowne, that opinion would persecute him, without labour: he thinkes reli∣gion deceiues most vnsuspe∣cted; and therefore hee seemes to be a zealous Christian. The Church is a principall part of his devotion; and to bee a fre∣quent Auditor, or outwardly at∣tentiue, is a sure defence (hee thinkes) against capitall errour.

Hee is openly kinde-hearted; cries God forbid, Amen, Christ bee his comfort. But rather then hee will seeme a Puritan, with indifferent companions, hee can breake an obscoene Iest, bee wanton, sociable, or any thing, till hee converse with a Preci∣sian by whom he hopes to saue: then the eyes roule vpward, the hands be elevated, commisera∣ting tearmes bee multiplied, with sighes innumerable: then hee railes against the wicked, whom a little before hee hear∣tilie saluted. And after some paraphrase vpon the verse of such an Evangelist, Apostle, or Prophet, hee dismisses the Pu∣ritan, that himselfe may laugh in a corner. His minde and me∣morie put on the same vizard of greatnesse, which makes him so much incline to the po∣sture

of weighty labours, that he giues no attention to things o∣penly recited, though they actu∣ally possesse him. To be imploid therefore for a Noble man, is (to him) an infinite trouble, and begets imployment with all ac∣quaintance to discover it: so the bare meanes to make men think hee is much entertained, costs a time equall to his occurrents. Being to bee visited (though by sure Clients) he hath the roome of attendance, the Art of delay, and a visage that seemes pittiful∣ly interrupted. If he rides to dis∣patch, the horses be early sadled, and brought to the doore, that neighbours may obserue; when, after fiue or sixe houres expe∣ctation, hee comes like one that was detained by vrgent importunacies. His best mate∣rials to worke vpon, bee Time,

and Place; which, if they af∣foord circumstance to let you vnderstand his new purchase, his new buildings, the great mar∣riage of his children, or enter∣tainement of high personages, or bountie towards the Hospi∣tall, it comes freely and fitly, if openly. When occasions trouble him a little, he loues to trouble himselfe extreamly; and thinkes it a poynt of ••eaching policie, to reproue or amend that formally, which hath beene allowed by singular good iugde∣ments. If hee dares (with privi∣ledge of the hearers ignorance) disparage worth in any, hee takes leaue of the occasion, and his owne policie. This he takes in honor of his courtship to shew he can bee ambitious, and build on others ruines: But this proclaimes him a star∣ved

Cannibal; who, through the famine of desert, feeds his wor∣thinesse with his owne excre∣ment of detraction. His desire and audacitie be at open strife. When he would, but dares not commend himselfe, by correct∣ing anothers facultie: then with a straind laughter, and a willing palsie in his head, he seemes to discover somwhat is vnsetled; or he makes his elbow signifie, that somthing wants his finger. His complements be at liberty, his friendship lies locked vp in pri∣son; the key whereof he hath lost willingly. For if you call him friend before hee hath wrested the advantage of an enemy, hee leaues you destitute, but more happy then you be∣leeue. If hee can seeme to for∣get your countenance, hee in∣tends that you must thinke him

deuoted to things aboue you, or that his braine labours: and vp∣on this ground he walkes when he neglects your salutations, or takes no notice of your person. Briefly, he is a man of this daies profit; he expects nothing with∣out double interest, and that by compulsion. Hee is a weake foe, a weaker friend, or the generall shadow of a wiser man.

CHARAC. XIII. A Spend-thrift

IS a man euer needy, neuer satis∣fied, but ready to borrow more then he may be trust-à with: The question of him will be, whether his learning doth out-ballance his braine, and so becomes a bur∣then; or whether both bee crept

into his outward senses: Cer∣tainely his Intellectuals of wit, and wisedome, be manifest, but are (like the seuen Starres) sel∣dome seene together; they mu∣tually succeed, as hauing vow'd to gouerne by course: whilst wit reignes, excesse, and royot haue the vpper hand: But when he re∣collects himselfe, hee is wholy metamorphosed; wit giues place, and his extreme of wisedome, disclaimes the smile of a merrie countenance. His onely ioy is to domineere, be often saluted, and haue many Creditors: his Lord∣ships lie among the Drawers, Tobacco-men, Brokers, and Panders: But aduersity makes him leaue company, and fall to house-keeping, and then his ser∣uants be vanished into Serge∣ants. His onely flatterers bee Conceite and Fancy, which

charge Memory his Steward, to bring in no Accompts till they bee casheerd; which cannot bee whilst Imitation is his Captain, or Credit his Corporall. Hee dreames of being Lord chiefe Iustice, or at least being emi∣nent, though hee liues disso∣lutely; and hath no Saint but Fortune. Hee is, and euer will be a quarter behind with fruga∣lity; in which volume he cannot be perfect, because the booke is imperfect: for he still rendes out the beginning of his lesson. His Heauen vpon Farth, is a faire Mistresse; and though his meanes be l••rge, yet his princi∣pall sorrow is the lacke of main∣tenance. The misery of his sense is an old man, and his fathers life troubles him not a little: Al∣manackes therefore which fore∣tell the death of age, be very ac∣ceptable. The hurly burly of his

braine is infinite, and he scarcely knowes what hee may freely make an election of. His worst bawd is too good a nature, which makes him incident to false applauses, and carue his soule out among his famil••ars: hee hath multitudes of deere acquaintance, but his deerest friends are ready to stabbe him. For either those whom hee ac∣compts so, be men of fashion; or those who be indeed so, de∣sire his death, because they see no amendment. He scornes to acknowledge his debts, but as things of duety, with which me∣chanicks are (as he thinkes) bound to vphold high birth and Gentry: but the end proues otherwise. His downefall there∣fore is not admired, because hee was euer falling; and his bare ex∣cuse, makes experience the sha∣dow.

Briefly, he may seeme a treacherous friend; for he deales dishonestly with all that chal∣lenge interest in him; they be his Creditors: And yet hee deales more louingly with them, then with himselfe; for when he paies them, he punisheth himselfe: If he cannot pay, hee is punished more then they; and punished enough, because he cannot pay: for then he consumes.

CHARACT. XIIII. A Vbiquitarie

IS a Iourney-man of all Trades, but no sauer because no s••tter vp: He would be an Epitome of Artes, and all things, but is in∣deed nothing lesse then him∣selfe: If an itchy Tailor gaue

him not his making, he had (I thinke) perpetually beene vn∣made: For if he scratch his head, the body cals him; if the body, then the elbow; if his elbow, then againe the body; if the bo∣dy, then the head itches: so ne∣uer quiet, neuer constant, still doing, stil about to do the same, remaines my doer doing no∣thing. The worst of dog-daies was his birth-day when fleas abounded, which (••rom his cra∣dle) haue so bitten him, as till his death he must be tickled. The worme of giddinesse hath crept into his priuate purposes: euery houre, almost, giues him a new Being, or, at least, the purpose to be an other thing then he is. If a coūtry l••fe inuites him he yeelds: the Court request him, he yeelds likewise: but then disgrace auerts him to his study; a Libra∣ry

is gotten: by this time loue hath strucke him, and hee adores the Saint: But then some play declaimes against this loue; hee quickly is perswaded, and fol∣lowes Poetry. Thus my vaga∣bond of vanity is from post to pillar transport••, because hee trauels without a perfect licēce. You shall soone discerne him by his arguments and reasons; They (for the principals) flow from one fountaine of ignorance: for all his proofe depends vpon I thinke so; Euery man saith so: All dislike it: His very conuersation is infectious, but neuer frustrate: for either you must follow him, and that way you must looke to be a looser: or he will follow you, and then resolue that your intētiō thriues but badly. No ob∣iect, no society, season, thought, or language, comes amisse,

or vnexpected, his pollicy there∣fore seekes to be rather frequent then effectuall; to run about the world daily, then trauell seri∣ously; to see a multitude, be∣fore society; and gesse at much, rather then know a little. In his discourse hee daunces All Trades; and flies from field to thicket, as being hunted by an Ignis fatuus. Talke of Acade∣mies, and hee tels you Court∣newes; canuase the state of your question, and hee tels you what new booke is extant. If you discourse, hee still desires the conclusion; and is attentiue ra∣ther to the sequele, then care∣full to vnderstand the premisses. In his behauiour hee would seeme French, Italian, Spanish, or any thing, so he may seeme vn∣vulgar; accounting it barbarous not to contemne his owne Na∣tion,

or the common good; be∣cause he loues to bee more va∣lued by seeming singularly preti∣ous: His habite onely discouers him to be true English: and to be weary of the place, colours his emploiment: To liiie (with him) is all vanity, and that life alone his deerest happinesse: his death therefore may bee somewhat doubtfull, because with it hee hath no Beeing.

CHARAC. XV. A Gamester

IS Fortunes Vassaile, temptations Anuile, or an out-landish text which may soone be translated in∣to cheaters English: He affects gaming from a schoole-boy; and superstitiously fore-thinkes how

his minde giues him. The ele∣ments of fire, earth, and aire, be with him alike predominant; he i•• in••••••med with rage, melan∣choly with thoughts, iouiall with fortune; but hee neuer we•••••••• in sorrow or repentance: When he looses little, you must ••now he looses much, for hee loues tha•• any man should con∣iecture he is able: And though his luck be infinite to win aboun∣dance, yet could hee neuer haue the luck to purchase. If he quar∣rel•• you may protest hee looses, ••nd he must scr••mble or be bea∣••e•• ••re hee can bee quiet: if hee make peace you must meet him ••n the winning way, and then you might more safely swagger with him: he loues his owne ad∣uantage well enough to bee a Lawyer, but would make a most preposterous Iudge: The seuen

deadly sinnes sleepe in his poc∣ket, and he neuer drawes money but the noise awakes them. Pride, Lechery, Drunkennesse, and Gluttony, bee his Sabboth sinnes, which (out of gettings) he employes on Festiuals, and Sundaies. Blasphemy and mur∣ther play the Drawers with him, and bring the fearefull recko∣ning of his losses; and insteed of Vsury, Theft plaies the Scriuener to furnish him with money: He can both fast, and watch, and yet is farre enough from being a true penitent; for curses fol∣lowing, do discouer why the rest was intended. Fortune makes him her most silly States-man: shee holds him by the chinne a while, but ere hee can recouer what he onely wishes, hee sinkes incontinent, and worthily; for losse and gaine alike encourage

him, but neuer satisfie. If he plaies vpon Ticket, hee knowes you are but a simple fellow not able to exact, though he resolues to pay nothing; so he did neuer purchase, if not this way, ex∣cept he borrowes; and that ex∣tends farre enough to make him the debtor at his owne pleasure. If he be perished, his restaurati∣on is to famine, though not de∣generate; for seeing he was ruind vnder the Goddesse For∣tune, he may well claime the portion of a rich widdow. If neither shee, nor any shee-creature else be gratious; let him vnpittied proue a Cheater, for he thrust himselfe to exile, and went to willing bon∣dage.

CHARACT. XVI. A Nouice

IS one still ready to aske the way, yet farre from finding it, though you do direct him: He is indeed a simple thing of one and twenty, that dares safely be a pupill to any Tutor. Or take him natu∣rally for a familiar kind of Spaniell, that may be readily taken vp, and stolne away from himselfe, or his best resoluti∣ons. Hee is euer haunted with a blushing weakenesse, and is as willing to embrace any, as not to be distastfull vnto any: He trusts any mans opinion before his owne, and will commit his life to him that can insinuate; you

get acquaintance with him by a bare salutation; drinke to him with a new complement, and you haue purchased his entire loue, till hee bee cheated. The name of Country-man, or ciuill carriage, vnlockes his Cabinet of intentions, till you extract the very quintessence. He can∣not chuse but be exceeding cre∣dulous, for he confutes nothing further then his eye-sight, or common sense extends. Draw him to the paradise of taking all in good part; or teach him to apprehend the worst things well, by screwing in a meere conceit of your generosity, and he wilthrust the ward-ship of his credit, Lands, or Body, to your patronage: So you may take re∣liefe, and tender Marriage, though his father held not in Knights seruice. If you mis∣doubt

he should perceiue you, or if you thinke it difficult to de∣ceiue him; compare his Title with his Index, o•• both together with his stuffe contained, and you may soone discerne him: For either vnexpectedly he doth betray himselfe; or false fire doth discharge him. Being a little boulstred vp with sweete here∣sies of subtill language, and Musicall Tauernes, he suddenly beginnes (except some charita∣ble hand reclaimes him) to mi∣stake Tobacco for a precious hearbe; and oftentimes I thinke it cures his raw humour, by ope∣ration of the price, without the Physicke. You may easily also driue him to mistake brown pa∣per for Littletons Tenures; Can∣uas, and Red Herrings, for his fathers hoppe-bagges and Lent prouision. I need not say hee

will be valorous; for Parasites and Cony-catchers know, he oftentimes can see hee hath beene cheated, and yet his modesty will not suffer him to enforce satisfaction. Hee will much wonder at a tri∣uiall euent, and thinkes it Witch-craft to foresee disad∣uantage. As for the world, Re∣ligion, or naturall causes, he can enquire of them, but difficultly beleeue reason: In the shut∣ting vp therfore of his folly he doth confesse the cha∣racter, and leaues it to succes∣sion.

CHARAC. XVII. An Epicure

IS the picture of Some-body, or a man of two senses: the Eye and the Palate: for his smelling pro∣pertie is stuffed with the vapours of a full stomacke; his hands the instruments of his mouth, no senses; and the belly hath no cares, but a trusse to support it: He is his owne Taylor, and thinkes directly that more ex∣pences belong to the linings, then to the out-side. He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach, or a Litter; and then he is suddenly interrupted, if the clocke strikes Eleven. Hee is (whatsoever some think) a good Physitian for his owne body; for he still riseth from the Table

with an appetite, and is soone re••dy for another meale of dain∣ties. If hee bee a Lawyer, the b••••t meates will soonest corrupt his carkasse, and his conscience: for he feeds immo∣de••••tely, and will doe much for •• brace of Pheasants. If he bee a Divine, he preaches all charity, and discommends Gentlemen extreamely, because they leaue House-keeping. He thinkes his bed the best study, and therefore speakes wel in the praise of stret∣ching meditations. He accounts Cookery a delicate science, and preferres the knowledge of con∣fectionary receipts; to which purpose nothing passes through the throate, till he takes particu∣lar notice of the ingredients. He is troubled much to thinke, how he may most readily shorten his life, and not perceiue the reason:

Therefore he revolues continu∣ally, what may be most conveni∣ent for the tast, and hurtfull for the stomake. He invites himselfe to much provender by accident of visitation; though hee comes with a resolved policie: and hee provokes many solemne mee∣tings, vnder the title of Hospita∣litie, when hee makes himselfe (by these meanes) fitter for an Hospitall. Hee is contented to bestow broken meate among poore folkes, but no money: for he loues not to depart with that, in which himselfe hath beene no taster. He is the noted foe of fa∣mine, and yet he is daily imploi∣ed about the procreation of a dearth: for the value of nothing is beyond his abilitie, if he hath present money, though no more then enough to discharge the present commoditie; or credite

to make men trust vpon execu∣tors. Hee hath heightned the price of out-landish-fruits, and hath purchased the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet∣mouth'd English-men. Marrow∣pies, Potato-rootes, Eringoes, and a cup of Sacke be his chie∣fest Restoratiues, and comforta∣ble Physicke: He makes no din∣ner without a second course. He is over-ruled more by his teeth, then his appetite: for when they grow weary, he leaues feeding, and falles to drinking: which ar∣gues (vnlesse I mistake) a larger capacity of Stomack then Vnder∣standing. He keeps a principall poynt of statelinesse in carriage; for he delights rather in a sub∣till flatterer, or secretary, that giues good el-bow attendance, then to heare himselfe discourse, or any who neglects to feed his

humor; either with commenda∣tions, or voiling reverence to his high fortunes, or with licen∣tious fables, and derisions of his opposites. If dinner bee ended, and you desire to converse with him, you must tarry till he be a∣wake: for his vast chaire, a dow∣ny couch, and chiefly a fine capa∣ble seat in the Church, that may confront the Preacher, or be si∣tuate behinde some pillar, are three easie and common recep∣tacles for his full stomack. None resembles death so fitly, yet none makes lesse morall: His sleepe therefore which proues him rotten and stinking aliue, proues rather death it selfe, then a remembrance. Briefly, being true English, hee will abhorre thirst, and hunger, because hee scornes a Spaniard and his pro∣perties.

CHARACT. XVIII. A Churle

IS the sup••rfluity of solemne beha∣uiour: And was intended for an allay to fif••y light louiall con∣stitutions; but * 1.1 Nature being then otherwise employed, hee was (against her will) made a monstrous lump of Humanity; through the negligence of her hand-maids, or the malice of her enemies bad education and nutriment. Hee is the vnsocia∣ble sonne of Saturne, that lookes strangely at the face of man, as if hee were another thing then himselfe. He thinkes, to be fami∣liar is to betray himselfe; and that the world might plentiful∣ly be inhabited, by him onely, and a couple of drudges. If you be ciuill, he saith you are phan∣tastick;

and friendly language he termes flattery. No estate, no aduancement, can remoue his humour: for hee doth not liue (whilst he liues not disconten∣ted) but sleepes, or counterfeits. He thinkes salutations were or∣dained to beguile, or betray; hee loues not therefore to salute, or be saluted. Hee will refuse gifts, that come from reconciled foes, and thinkes an iniury can neuer be forgotten. On equall termes likewise, he is heartily vnwilling to receiue, except (in glory) he can ouer-value his deserts, by thinking he hath deserued tenne times more. A selfe-respect, and a disdaine of others, be his nou∣rishing vices: So he chuses ra∣ther to loose a bargaine, then to become a debtor; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale, then to be beholding. If

you enquire his health, or the times newes, hee dares protest you are an impertinent, or a shallow companion. Other mens triumph is his sorrow, o∣ther mens sorrow his triumph: for in his conscience he hath re∣ioyced never, if not in mis-for∣tunes of some, or all. His owne adversitie quickens him to re∣ioyce at others misery. He can∣not therefore bee saved, seeing he admits company as a delight, in nothing but desolation: and then, not their company, but their passion. His entertainments be, a fierce dogge to bid you wel∣come, a currish voyce to con∣firme it, and the way is open for a fare-well. The two first be appa∣rant, the latter hee intends: So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours; but impotent people he threatens in another

kinde with Whippe, stockes, and Beadle, they onely be his famili∣ars and defenders. His Dogge, and hee, are the onely good fel∣lowes; and his dogge proues the better man, by being more tra∣ctable. He will prevent you in a commoditie, and giue more; as also, hee dares discredit any thing, or any, not with a mea∣ning to commend his owne, but to endammage others. He will bee shaven all wayes to the best helpe of a deformitie: and though his actions will soone verifie the Character, yet he will more mis-shape na∣ture by ill-favoured Linnen, a greasie felt, and Garments made for the purpose; as if hee meant to discover himselfe by the fore-head, least hee should not be knowne quickly. He is sa∣tisfied vpon the smallest wrong,

and will rather take the lawes assignment, though a trifle, then be content with large composi∣tion: yet none doth more grum∣ble against the Law-professors. He listens to the death of great personages, as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter; reioy∣cing to be glutted with his en∣trailes, or vices, seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth, the best food. It fattens him to heare a prodigalls con∣sumption, though hee partakes nothing in the ••ootie. If you fasten a gift vpon him, his thankes bee liberall, though he doth not requite: if hee doth not brand you with an insinu∣ating Title; yet in extremitie of his passion he is so farre (as hee thinkes) from being vncharita∣ble, as he makes the charitie of Counsell, Purse, or Assistance,

things that would giue little thanke for his labour: and so he practises them vnder the ranke of such things as doe not con∣cerne him: He saith therefore, Meddle with me, when I meddle with you. So that if shame pro∣vokes his wealth to invite stran∣gers, he hath no bountifull mea∣ning, but a resolution to liue by broken meate long after, which doth not savour well, except it be mouldy: that, and himselfe there∣fore, should be spent sooner; o∣therwise they grow visibly odi∣ous, but himselfe more odious then that.

CHARAC. XIX. An Atheist

IS no reasonable Man: for hee will sooner embrace a superfi∣ciall

colour in things of momēt, then search into direct causes: as for obvious and common acci∣dents, he never looks vpon them so much with reason, as vpon matters of course. In subtilties he is bestiall; for hee admits no more then event; and he is ther∣fore no reasonable man, because no religious man. For Heathens and Barbarians haue from the be∣ginning beene worshippers of somwhat. If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him, and enter into the extremities of ill for∣tune, or begin to speake of great mens funerals, or honest mens persecutions, hee will instantly discover what he beleeues, being bold enough to speak plainly (if thou canst apprehend) that ver∣tue, innocence, and craftie dea∣ling be alike rewarded: that wic∣ked and religious men haue no

difference but the Name: that wrongs may lawfully (if without danger apparant) bee repelled with worse wrongs: and that therefore it argues basenesse of spirit, to contemne any opportu∣nity of advantage: that expecta∣tion of other, where ioy is al∣ready present, were dotage, or madnesse; and that honesty, which exceeds common forme, is singularity. From which Ar∣guments you may draw the con∣clusion. If he reserues these pre∣cepts among strangers, his pra∣ctise will verifie the paterne. Take this for a foundation, Euery Atheist is an Epicure, though the one is not controvettible. If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policie; this watch-word will be frequent in his cups, hoc est vive∣re, hoc est vivere. But you may stil obserue, that he cōtends to wash

away all care with company, dis∣course & laughter, as if he knew his vsurious creditor (a guiltie conscience) waited to expostu∣late with him at an advantage. One therefore of this proporti∣on, is more liable to the Law, but lesse dangerous to the com∣mon-wealth. Hee brings most villany that feeles the disease in∣ward; and confutes his own ob∣iectiōs with falacious doctrines. He liues much about the fountain of Iniquitie, and therfore he must propound that those streames of custome be tolerable, or leaue his profession. He hath a natural flourish for super-naturall acci∣dents. He turnes Diuinity into colorable inuentions of Philosophy. He knows every thing vnder the name of a naturall body: hee be∣leeues Nature to be an invisible power, which intended genera∣tion

for corruption, and corrup∣tion for generation. He distin∣guishes bodies into simple and compound, and makes creation a vulgar proiect obedient to the harmony of elements. Then, if he knowes the meaning of Homoge∣nea, and Hetrogenea, of corpus im∣perfctè mixtū, and perfectè mixtū, he remaines largely satisfied. As for the causes of terrible events, he apprehends the power of Ex∣halations, Meteors, Comets, & the Antiperistasis: which very names are able to forbid all further in∣quisition. He goes not therfore beyond himselfe for his authori∣ty: and he esteemes it more con∣venient to think there is a reason in nature, then to trouble his braine with miracles, when they exceed his positions. Hee never was taken for a friend in society, neither can he bestow loue, be∣cause

cause hee cannot adventure his person. If at any time hee inten∣ded loue, he intended likewise a Physitian; and him, no further then agreed with his owne humi∣dum radicale: which must also be vnderstood, if himselfe were no Physitian. He is alwayes consi∣dent beyond reformation. Hee dies with hope betweene his iawes, and therefore one may thinke him no desperate slaue; but such hope deceiues him, be∣cause he hopes to liue longer.

CHARACT. XX. A Lyar

IS a tame Foxe; hunted vp and down, often for pleasure, often against his will. Arithmetick is in him a natural vice, or at least the principall parts of the Science: for he can both substract & mul∣tiply

with more ease then speake true English: He may as well be a Trades-man of any sort by his professiō, ••s a Knight of the post, or a man-pleaser. He should (by his qualities) be a good Game∣ster; for the one is iust in league with a voluntary ignorance, or a∣ny inforced knowledge, as much as the other: Hee neuer offends this way, but he offends double; for he cannot with credit, or knowledge of the Art Military, thinke it sufficient to defend with bare affirmance, & the wals of circūuention, except his cannō∣othes be ready planted and dis∣charged. He is not guilty of his own vice alone; for seldom doth he auouch it, which his confede∣rate wil not iustifie: & therfore he prouides adherents for security: his cōmō misery is wel known, it persecuts him with diuine iustice

for all his truth'is extraordina∣rie, winne no beleife; because no false-hoods are so frequent. Any aduantage accruing to himselfe prouokes his faculty; though sometimes a friends loue intices him to strange aduentures. If neither the first nor second bee opportune, he so labours onely to beget wonderfull narrations. Hee is ready enough to ouer∣value himselfe, his friends, and his commodity: accounting it a pollitick straine to set an excel∣lent faire glosse on all; that hee may purchase the reputation of a large estate: Which seemes to argue an innocent vpright course, not fearing tyranny: But indeed he doth (from hence) de∣ceiue the world and die a beg∣gar, through the foregoing esti∣mation. Hee tels no wonder, without some preparatiue: as

namely, he admits before hand what may be: or he begins thus: You may thinke it is a lie: or, it will seeme strange, but I protest before God, it is very true: or the like: But if hee bee one that maintaines Ordinaries and pub∣lick meetings; he speakes alto∣gether vpon credible report; and you shall be the third man partakes of the nouelty: for hee hath alwaies talked with one, that was an eye-witnesse: if hee were not himselfe the agent or beholder. He may at his electi∣tion be admitted into the Col∣ledge of Iesuites, but hee loues not to forsake his Country, though he boasts of trauailes; and yet he is a meere fugitiue. He was originally intended for a Rhetorician; and lackes onely a little instruction: For hee is more conuersant with Tropes

then Figures; and yet the figure of repetition, is his owne natu∣rall. Attention makes thee very much culpable in his reports: beliefe makes thee apt to erre in the same kind. He is more confi∣dent (if hee could be vncased) in the rare exploits of Rosaclere, and Delphoebo, Amadis de Gaule, or Parismus, then the most ho∣ly Text of Scripture. If hee should striue for Antiquity, no English Generation can com∣pare with him: And yet hee needes no Herald, for hee deriues his Pedigree immediately from the deuill.

CHARACT: XXI. A Drunkard

IS in Opinion a good fellow, in practice a liuing conduit. Hee is at all points armed for a Knight errant, and cald vpon for aduen∣tures, euery way as full of ha∣zard. This makes him enter bold∣ly into the Lyons, or the Greene Dragons Caue; into the White Beares iawes, the Mermaids closets, the Sunnes Palace; nay, more into the deuils chamber of presence. And for his Trauailes let the Globe witnesse; through euery corner of which, he hath or can walke at his pleasure. Freedome hee challenges, and therefore scornes to be a te∣dious customer, till by enforce∣ment, hee drinkes vpon record:

otherwise he shifts his watring place; either to auoid his lowse, the Baylife; or to renew his foun∣taine: the last onely pleades for his commendation, because hee proceedes still from worse to better: which discommends him most, because it nourishes his facultie. The torment of his eye∣sight is a frothy Tapster, or a sluggish Drawer with a deceit∣full po••. The plagues of his pa∣lat be good wines, where he can∣not purchase, nor be trusted: or a Taverne well furnished, that ioynes to the prison doore: they vexe him, as a feast vexes the fa∣mished, in a strong Castle: or a Lambe the starued Foxe, when Mas••ifes be awake. He never dis∣allowes religion for putting Lent in the Almanack: for Tobacco, a Rasher, and red Herrings, his instruments of relish, bee at all

times perhibited. Hee hath a cheape course of breake-fasts, to auoide dinners; which at his pleasure he can spare, through morning Antidotes: the inquisi∣tion of these he studies, and loo∣ses by the knowledge. Hee in∣differently concludes, and be∣ginnes quarrels: that quality neither much blames nor prai∣ses him. Opportunity hee em∣braces, but in a bad sense: for he is rather studious to follow any mans calling then his owne. His nose the most innocent, beares the corruption of his o∣ther senses folly; From it may bee gathered the embleme of one falsely scandald: for it not offending, is ••olourably puni∣shed. It serues therefore for no∣thing but such an Embleme, ex∣cept to proue the owners great innocence, by how much it is

the greater: His eminent see∣ming vertues be his peculiar vi∣ces: For his casting vp expen∣ces, and his wisedome ouer the pot, be his vnthriftinesse, and folly: Hee were vtterly base, if vnable to defend his habite: you shall therefore know him by his arguments. If hee inclines to Scholler-ship, they be these: First, to abandon melancholy; For care, hee faith, kils a Cat: then to auoide mischieuous thoughts; for hee that drinkes well, sleepes well, and hee that sleeps well thinks no harme: The weaknes of which may be soone confuted, because he staggers in the argument. His teeth be strongest, because least employ∣ed. Hence you ••ay take the em∣bleme of one truely miserable; who abounds in profites, which he doth not vse. A beggar, and

he are both of one stock, but the beggar claimes antiquity: the beggar did drinke that he might beg, & hath his meaning: the o∣ther drinkes that he may beg, & shal haue the true mening short∣ly. In the degree of beggars it is thought he wil turne Dummerer; he practises already, & is for that purpose many times taken speechlesse. If he goes out in the morning a libertine or free-man, he returns at night a prisoner, if he doth return: for he cannot re∣turne safely without his keeper: otherwise, he converts suddenly frō flesh to fish, & diues into the mud, or swims in his own water. These together proue fasting∣nights to be his naturall season. Whilst he is waking, he purges all secrets; least I therefore by keeping him awake longer, should erre in the same kinde,

I haue now cast him into a dead sleepe.

CHARAC. XXII. A Begging Scholler

IS an Artificiall vagabond: Hee tooke his first degree (as wee may imagine) in the Vniuersity: But he neuer thinkes himselfe a full Graduate; till by Cosmogra∣phicall science, he suruey the de∣grees of Longitude, and Lati∣tude, belonging to most of our famous Citties in England: So he becomes practitioner in the Mathematickes, though hee pretends Diuinity by order of Commencement, which might bee a safe licence among diuers; if the Statute vouchsa∣fed not to take notice of his roguery. He hath from the first

houre of his Matriculation in∣herited the name of Sharke, by way of a generall dependance in the Colledge: But being per∣haps expulsed, or departing in a hungry humor, he trauels with a prompt memory, insteed of other knowledge; and aboue all things he is wise enough for himselfe, to remember his wants. Hee neuer looked into Diuinity beyond the meaning of two Sermons; and vpon those he hath insisted so often, that he feeles no need of another Li∣brary: He still pretends (like some single Physitian) the cure of one disease, that is, the cold of charity, and therefore (his charitable aduise being ended) a bill of receipt followes for the ingredients: But the dis∣ease may be thought to grow more desperate through the

mistaken cure; because the me∣dicine is applied vnfitly. His helpe extends farre and neere to fugitiue Raga-muffians, vn∣der the signe of impotent soul∣diers, or wandring Abraham∣men; but his helpe proues the maintenance of their functi∣on, because it proues his owne, by occasion: For being recei∣ued as a Secretary to the coun∣sell of vagrants, hee conceals much idle property, in aduan∣tage of himselfe and Country∣men, not of the common∣wealth. If you would priuate∣ly know him; you must know likewise, the iourney to his friends hath beene tediously vn∣dertaken; and whilst hee brings his mony in question, you must know he begges for an answere, and so betrayes the doubt of suf∣ficiency: howsoeuer (in pub∣lick) he insinuates a depriuation;

by being too sufficient. Being admitted (for Hospitality sake) to receiue lodging; he hath a slight of hand, or cleanely con∣ueiance, which threaten siluer spoones; and leaues a desperate sorrow among all the houshold seruants, because he departed so soone. In the space of a naturall day he seldome trauailes further then to the next Ale-house; that so by degrees he may approach to a great Market vpon the Sab∣both. He paies for what he takes continually, one way or other: for being no customer, he can∣not bee trusted, except in case of necessity; and then he paies them experience to beware of such as he another time. He hath learning to propound the Apostles presi∣dent for trauailes, but conscience litle enough to look any further. If his family be not portable,

it comes in the rereward, and awaites his returne to the Rende∣vouze: if otherwise he be attēded with neither wife, nor maide∣seruant; he makes vse of both, as hee finds himselfe able: Hee is sometime inducted by a simple Patron, to some more simple Vicarage; But his Tithes and Credit concluding in Haruest, he takes his slight with the Swal∣low: He cannot therefore thriue among the promo∣ted begging Schollers, because hee hath no continuance. (* * *) (∴)

Notes

• * 1.1

  na••••r ••••n∣tendit op••••¦mum.