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INprimis, one Epistle of a sheete and more of paper, to his gentle & liberall frends Master Barnabe Barnes Master Iohn Thorius: Master Anthonie Chuse, and ••∣••erie fauourable Reader.
O ho, those whom hee calls the three orient wits. Mine eyes are partly accessarie vnto it. It is to thanke them for their curteous Letters and commendate∣rie Sonnets, writ to him from a farre, as namely out of the hall into the kitchin at Wolses, where altogether at one time they lodged and boorded. VVith a great manie maidenly excuses, of tis more of your gentlenes than my deseruing, and I cannot without blushing repeate, and without shame remember. Then he comes vpon thee with I'le, I'le, I'le.
What should I say, I will and commaund like a Prince? hee might as well write against Poules for hauing three IIes in it.
Hee calls thee the greene Popiniay, & saies thou art thine owne idoll.
Let him either shew how or wherein, or I will not beleeue him, & my negatiue (in any ground in England) is as good as his affirmatiue.
And so proceeds with complement and a little more complement, and a crust of quippes and a little more complement after that; then he falls in exhorting those his three Patrons to goe forward in maturitie, as they haue begun in pregnancie; whose Parthenophils and Parthenopes embellished, and Shores Wife eternized, shall euer lastingly testifie what they are.
And so haue I testifide for them what they are, which will last time enough.
Hee bids Barnabe of the Barnes, bee the gallant Poet like Spencer, or the valiant Souldiour like Baskeruile; and euer remember his French Seruice vn∣der such a Generall.
What his Soldiourship is I cannot iudge,
but if you haue euer a chaine for him to runne awaye with, as hee did with a Noble-mans Stewards chayne at his Lords enstalling at VVindsore; or if you would haue anie rymes to the tune of ••link-a-pisse, hee is for you. In one place of his Parthenophill and Partheno∣pe, wishing no other thing of Heauen, but that hee might bee transformed to the Wine his Mistres drinks, and so passe thorough her.
Therein hee was verie ill aduisde, for so the next time his Mistres made water, he was in danger to be ••ast out of her fauour.
Of late he hath set soorth another Booke which hee entitles no lesse than A deuine Centurie of Sonets, and prefixeth for his Posie,
Altera Musavenit, quid ni sit & alter Appollo?As much to say, as why may not my Muse bee as great an Appollo or God of Poetrie, as the proudest of them? but it comes as farre short, as Paris Garden Cut of the heigth of a Cammell, or a Cocke-boate of a Carricke: such another deuice it is, as the godly Ballet of Iohn Carelesse, or the Song of Greene sleeues moralized.
For his Caualiership since thou art not in∣structed in it, let mee tell thee, it is lewder by nine score times than his Poetry; since his doughtie seruice in France fiue yeares agoe, I not forgetting him: where hauing fol∣lowd the Campe for a weeke or two, and seeing there was no care had of keeping the Queenes Peace, but a man might haue his braines knockt out, and no Iustice or Cun∣stable neere hand to send foorth precepts, and make hue and crie after the murdrers; without farther tarrying or consultation, to the Generall he went, and told him he did not like of this quarrelling kinde of life; and common oc∣cupation
of murdring, wherein (without anie Iurie or triall, or giuing them so much leaue, as to saye their praiers) men were run thorough and had their throats cut, both against Gods lawes, her Maiesties lawes, & the lawes of all Nations: wherefore hee desir'd license to depart, for hee stood euerie howre in ••eare and dread of his per∣son, and it was alwaies his praier, From suddain death good Lord deliuer vs. Vpon this motion, there were di∣uers warlike Knights and principall Captaines, who ra∣ther than they would bee bereau'd of his pleasant compa∣nie, offred to picke out a strong guard amongst them for the safe engarisoning and better shielding him from per∣rill. Two stept foorth and presented themselues as mus∣kettiers before him, a third and fourth as targatiers be∣hinde him, a fifth and sixt vowd to trie it out at the push of the pike, before the malicious foe should inuade him. But home hee would, nothing could stay him, to finish Par∣thenophil and Parthenope, and write in praise of Ga∣b••iell Haruey.
Hee was wise, hee lou'd no blowes: but what said the Doctor to his other two copesmates?
VVhy thaus; Be thou Iohn the many tungd linguist like Androwes, or the curious Intelligencer like Bodley; & neuer forget thy Nether landish Traine vn∣der him, that taught the Prince of Nauarre, now the va∣lorous King of France.
Of this Iohn Thorius more sparingly I wil speake, because hee hath made his peace with mee, & there bee in him sundrie good parts of the Tungs and otherwise; though thirtie parts comming, behinde & limping after Doctor Androwes: who (if it bee no of∣fence so to compare him) is tanquam Paulus in Cathe∣dr••,
powerfull preaching like Paul out of his chaire; and his Church another Pantheon, or Templum 〈◊〉〈◊〉 deorum; the absolutest Oracle of all sound Deuini∣tie heere amongst vs; hee mixing the two seuerall pro∣perties of an Orator and a Poet both in one, which is not onely to perswade, but to win admiration. Thori∣us being of that modestie and honestie I ascribe to him, cannot but bee irksomly ashamed, to bee resembled so hyperborically, and no lesse agreeu'd than Master Bod∣ley (a Gentleman in our Common-wealth of singular desertiue reckoning & industrie, beeing at this present her Maiesties Agent in the Low countries) ought he to bee at the hellish detested Iudas name of an Intelligen∣cer, which the Doctor in the waye of friendship hath throwne vpon him. Master Bodley calls him rascall & villaine for his labour, and before his going ouer was mad to know where he might hunt him out to bee re∣uengd: which both hee and Thorius haue reason for, since but to be couertly suspected for an Intelligencer, (much more to be publikely registred in Print for such a flearing false brother or Ambodexter) is to make ey∣ther of them worse pointed and wondered at than a ••uckold or wittall, and set them vp as common marks for euerie iackanapes Prentise to kicke, spit, or throw durt at. To bee an Intelligencer, is to haue oathes at will, and thinke God nere regards them; to frame his religion and alleageance to his Prince according to e∣uerie companie he comes in. A lew he is, that but for the spoile loues no man; a curre, that flatters & fawns vpon euerie one, low crowching by the ground like a tumbler, till hee may spie an aduantage and pluck out his throate. An ingratefull slaue, that there spendeth
the bitterest of his venome, where hee hath receiued most benefites; a hang-man, that dispatcheth all that come vnder his hands; a drunken serieant or sumner, that could not liue, it (like the diuell) hee did not from time to time e••quire after the sinnes of the people; a necessarie member in a State to bee vsde, to cut off vn∣necessarie members. Such same hath he preferd Ma∣ster Bodley too, and wisheth Thorius to emulate. By his Netherlandish trayne vnder him that taught the Prince of Nauarre, now the valorous King of France, is not to bee gathered that hee was schoole-fellow to the King of France, as he would saine put the world in a fooles Paradice, because hee hath sonnetted it in hys praise, but that hee was Doctor Coranus sonne of Ox∣ford, who was Tutor to the said King, as well he might bee, and that no argument his sonne should be so well improou'd as he is.
The last of them is Chute, to whome hee thus dilateth. Be thou Anthonie the flowing Oratour like Doue, and the skilfull Herald, like Clarencius; and euer remember thy Portugall Voyage vnder Don An∣thonio.
Chute, is hee such a high Clearke in hys Bookes? I knew when hee was but a low Clarke, and carried an Atturnies bookes after him. But this I will say for him though hee bee dead and rotten, and by his obsequies hath preue••ted the vengeaurce I meant to haue executed vpon him; of a youth that could not vnderstand a word ••f Latine, hee lou'd lycoras and drunke posset 〈◊〉〈◊〉, the best that euer put cuppe to mouth, and for his Orators••ip, it was s••ch, that I haue seene him non plus in giuing the charge, at the creating
of a new Knight of Tobacco; though to make amends since, he hath kneaded and daub'd vp a Commedie, called The transformation of the King of Trinidadoes two Daughters, Madame Panachaea and the Nymphe Tobacco: and to approue his Heraldrie, scutchend out the honorable Armes of the smoakie Societie. His voi∣age vnder Don Anthonio was nothing so great credit to him, as a French Var••et of the chamber is; nor did he follow Anthonio neither, but was a Captaines Boye that scornd writing and reading, and helpt him to set downe his accounts, and score vp dead payes. But this was our Graphiel Hagiels tricke of VVily Beguily herein, that whereas he could get no man of worth to crie Placet to his workes, or meeter it in his commen∣dation, those worthlesse Whippets and Iack Strawes hee could get, hee would seeme to enable and com∣pare with the highest. Hereby hee thought to conny∣catch the simple world, and make them beleeue, that these and these great men, euerie waye sutable to Sy•• Thomas Baskeruile, Master Bodley, Doctor Androwes, Doctor Doue, Clarencius and Master Spencer, had sepe∣rately contended to outstrip Pindarus in his Olympicis, and sty alost to the highest pitch, to stellifie him aboue the cloudes, and make him shine next to Mercury. Here some little digression I must borrow, to reuenge his base allusion of Sir Thomas Baskeruile, euen as I haue done of Doctor Androwes; neither of them be∣ing men that euer saluted mee, or I rest bound vnto in anie thing: otherwise than by Doctor Androwes own desert, and Master Lillies immoderate commending him, by little and little I was drawne on to bee an Au∣ditor of his: since when, whensoeuer I heard him, I
thought it was but hard and scant allowance that was giu'n him, in comparison of the incomp••rable gifts ••hat were in him. For Sir Thomas Baskeruile, France, Eng∣land, the Low Countries & India acknowledgeth him, and though it was neuer my hap, but once in a young Knights Chamber in the Strand (none of my coldest well-wishers) to light in his comparie, yet for Syr Re∣ger VVilliams testimonie of him, (a noble Gentleman that a yeare and a halse before his death, I was exces∣siuely beholding too, & on whom I haue vowd when my business are a little ouercome, to bestow a memori∣all Epitaph, such as Plato would in no more but soure verses to bee set vpon the graues of the dead) downe his throate I will thrust this turn br••ach comparison of a chicken and a chrisome, with one of the most tryed Souldiours of Christendome. Doctor Doue and Cla∣rencius, I turne loos•• to bee their owne Arbitratours and Adu••cates; the one being eloquent inough to de∣send himselfe, and the other a Vice roy & next Heyre apparant to the King of Heralds, able to emblazon him in his right colours, if hee finde hee hath sustained any losse by him: as also in like sort Master Spencer, whom I do not thrust in the lowest place, because I make the lowest valuation of, but as wee vse to set the Summ' tot' alway vnderneath or at the bottome, he being the Sum tot' of whatsoeuer can be said of sharpe inuenti∣on and schollership.
Of the Doctor it may be said, as Ouid sayth of the Scritch owle,
Alijsque (dolens) fit causa dolendi.Hee cannot bee content to bee miserable himselfe, but hee must draw others to miscarrie with him. And as Plato
had his best beloued Boy Agatho, Socrates his Alcibia∣des, Virgill his Alexis; so hath hee his Barnabe and An∣thony for his minions and sweet-harts▪ though therein I must needes tell him (as Fabritius the Romanc Consull writ to Pirrhus when hee sent him back his Phisition that offred to poyson him) hee hath made as ill choyce of frends as of enemies; seeking like the Panther to cure himselfe with mans dung, and with the verie excrements of the rubbishest wits that are, to reslore himselfe to his bloud, and repaire his credit and estimation.
If his Patrons bee such Peter Pingles and Moundragons, hee cannot chuse but bee sixtie times a more poore Slauontan arse-worme.
Tender itchie brainde infants, they car'd not what they did so they might come in print: and of that straine are a number of mushrumpes more, who pester the World with Pamphle••••, before they haue heard of Terence Pamphilus, & can construe & pearse Proh Du immortales; being like those barbarous Peo∣ple in the hot Countries, who when they haue bread to make, doo no more but clap the dowe vpon a poast on the out-side of their houses, and there leaue it to the Sunne to bake; so their indigested conceipts (farre raw∣er than anie dowe) at all aduentures vpon the poastes they clap, pluck them off who's will: and if (like the Sunne) anie man of iudgement (though in scorne) do but looke vpon them, they thinke they haue strooke it dead, and made as good a batch of Poetrie as may be. Neither of these princockesses (Barnes or Chute) once cast vp their noses towards Powles Church-yard, or so much as knew how to knock at a Printing-house dore, till they consorted themselues with Haruey, who infe∣cted
them within one fortnight with his owne spirit of Bragganisme; which after so increased and multiplied in them, as no man was able to endure them. The first of them (which is Barnes) presently vppon it, because hee would bee noted, getting him a strange payre of Babilonian britches, with a codpisse as big as a Bologni∣an sawcedge, and so went vp and downe Towne, and shewd himself in the Presence at Court, where he was generally laught out by the Noble-men and Ladies: and the other (which is Chute) because Haruey had praised him for his Oratorship & Heraldry, to approue himselfe no lesse than hee had giu'n his word for him, sets his mouth of a new key, and would come foorth with such Kenimnawo compt metaphors and phrases, that Edge was but a botcher to him; and to emblazon his Heraldrie, he painted himself like a Curtizan, which no Stationers boy in Poules Church-yard, but discouerd and pointed at. One of the best Articles against Barnes I haue ouer-slipt, which is, that he is in Print for a Brag∣gart, in that vniuersall applauded Latine Poem of Ma∣ster Campions; wherein an Epigram entituled In Bar∣num, beginning thus
Mortales decemtela inter Gallica caesos.he shewes, how hee bragd when he was in France he slue ten men, when (fearfull cowbaby) he neuer heard peice shot off, but hee fell flat on his face. To this effect it is, though the words somwhat varie.
Alloune, alloune, let vs march, and from armes and skirmishing, cast thy selfe in the armes of a sweete Gentlewoman, that here at the end of the Epistle stands readie to embrace thee. Gabriell calls her the ex∣cellent Gentlewoman, his patronesse or rather champio∣nesse
in this quarrell, meeter by nature, and fitter by nurture, to bee an inchaunting Angell with a white quill, than a tormenting furie with her blacke incke.
What, is he like a Tinker, that neuer tra∣uailes without his wench and his dogge? or like a Ger∣mane, that neuer goes to the warres, without his Tan∣nakin and her Cocke on her shoulder. That Gentle∣woman (if she come vnder my fists) I will make a gen∣tle-woman, as Doctor Perne said of his mans wise.
Tun•• plena voluptas, Cum pariter victi famina vir{que} iacent.Then it is sport worth the seeing when he and his wo∣man lye crouching for mercie vnder my feete. I will bestow more cost in belabouring her, because through∣out the whole pawnch of his booke, hee is as infinite in commending her, as Saint Iereme in praise of Virgi∣nitie; and oftener mentions her, than Virgill & Theo∣critus Amarillis. In one place he calls her the one shee, in another the credible Gentlewomen, in a third the hea∣uenly plant, and the fourth a new starre in Cassiopeia, in the fifth the heauenly creature, in the sixth a Lion in the field of Minerua, in the seuenth a right Bird of Mercu∣ries winged chariot, with a hundred such like: he saith, shee hath read Homer, Virgill, the diuine Architipes of Hebrue, Greeke and Romane valour, Plutarch, Polien, Agtippa, Tyraquell.
I haue found him, I haue the tract of him: hee thinkes in his owne person if hee should raile grosely it will bee a discredit to him, and therefore hereafter hee would thrust foorth all his writings vnder the name of a Gentlewoman; who howsoeuer shee scolds and playes the vixen neuer so, wilbe borne with: and to preuent that he
be not descride by his alleadging of Authors (which it will hardly bee thought can proceed from a woman) hee casts forth this Item, that she hath read these and these books, and is well seene in all languages.
Shall wee haue a Hare of him then? a male one yeare, and a female another: or as Pliny holds there is male and female of all things vnder heauen, and not so much but as of trees and precious stoanes; so cannot there be a male Con••uter, but there must be a female con∣futer too; a Simon Magus, but hee must haue his whoore Silenes; an Aristotle that sacrificed to his harlot Her∣mia, but euerie Silius Poeta must insitate him? Doth he when his omne wits faile, crie Da Venus consilium? Ho∣ly Saint Venus inspire mee? But as Bentiuole hath wel put its, Pars minima est ipsa puella sui. I beleeue it is but a meere coppy of his countenaunce, and onely hee does it to breed an opinion in the world, that he is such a great man in Ladies and Gentlewomens bookes, that they are readie to run out of their wits for him, as in the Turkes Alchoron it is written, that 250. Ladies hanged them∣selues for t••e loue of Mahomer, and that like another Numa Pompilius he doth nothing without his Nymph Egeria.
Nay, if Iupiter ioynd with the Moone (Har∣uey and his Gentlewoman) conspire against thee, & that like another Messier Gallan the Hang-man of Antwerp he hath a whole Burdel vnder his gouernement, it can∣not chuse but goe hard with thee. She will say as the Ita∣li••n Lady did, Kill my children as long as thou wilt, here is the mould to make more.
VVe read that Semiramis was in loue with a Ho••se, but for a Gentlewoman to bee in loue with an
Asse, is such a tricke as neuer was.
It would doo you good to heare how he gallops on in commending her, hee sayes shee enuies none but art in person and vertue incorporate, and that she is a Sappho, a Penelope, a Minerua, an Arachne, a Iuno, yeelding to all that vse her and hers well, that she stands vpon masculine and not feminine termes, & her hoatest ••ury may bee resembled to the passing of a braue Careere by a Pegasus, and wisheth haruly that he could dispose of her recreations.
Call for a Bendle and haue him away to Bridewell, for in euery sillable be commits letchery
He threats shee will strip m•• wit into his shirt were that fayre body of the sweetest Venus in pri••t, & that it will then appeare as in a cleare Vrinall whose wit hath the greene sicknes.
If she strip thee to thy shirt, if I were as thee, I wold strip her to her smocke.
That were to put that fayrest body of Ve∣nus in Print indeede with a witness, and then shee neuer need to haue her water cast in an vrinall for the greene sicknes.
She may be Queene Didoes peere for ho∣nestie for anie dealings I euer yet had with her; but a∣nie Gentlewomans name put in his mouth, it is of more force to discredite it, than Licophrons penne was to discredite Penelope, who notwithstanding Homers Praises of her, saith shee lay with all her wooers.
VVhether shee bee honest or no, he hath done enough to make her di••honest, since as Ouid writes to a Leno, Vendibilis culpa facta puella sua est. he hath set her commonly to sale in Poules Church-yard.
Let vs on with our Index or Catalogue, and descant no more of her, since I am of the minde that for all the stormes & tempests Haruey from her denounceth, there is no such woman, but tis onely a Fiction of his, like Menanders Fable or Comedie cald Thessala, of women ••••at could pluck back the Mcone when they listed; or En∣nius inuention of Dido, who writing of the deedes of Scipio, first gaue life to that Legend. The Epistle De∣dicatorie past, the Gentlewomans demurre or Prologue staggers next after, the first line whereof is stolne out of the Ballet of Anne Askew; for as that begins
I am a woman poore and blinde, so begins this O Muses, may a woman poore and blinde, and goes on, Ist possible for puling wench to tame The furibundall champion of fame?Bids thee hazard not panting quill thy aspen selse, calls thee bombard-goblin, and most railipotent for euerie raine; then followeth shee with a counter Sonnet or cor∣rection of her owne preamble, where there is nothing but braggardous affronts, white liuerd tronts, where doth the vra••ie or surie ring, pulcrow implements, Danters scar-crow Presse; and endes; with Vltrixaccincta fla∣gello.
Yea Madam Gabricla, are you such an old ierker, then Hey ding a ding, vp with your petticoate, haue at your plum-tree: but the style bewraies it, that no other is this goodwife Megara, but Gabriel himself; so doth the counter-sonnet and the correction of pre∣ambles, which is his methode as right as a fiddle. I will neuer open my lips to consute anye rag of it, it consu∣ting
it self••e suficiently in the verie rehearsall. And so doth that which is annexed to it, of her olde Comedie new intituled, where she saith her prose is as resolute as Beuis sword, calls mee rampant beast informidable-hide, with I wot not what other Getulian slabberies; scarre∣bugges thee with a Comedie, which shee hath scrawld and scribeld vp against mee. But wee shall lenuoy him, and trumpe and poope him well enough if the winde come in that doore, and he will needes fall a Comedi∣zing it. Comedie vpon Comedie he shall haue, a Mo∣rall, a Historse, a Tragedie, or what hee will. One shal bee called The Doctors dumpe, another Haru••y and his excellent Gentlewoman Madame VVhipsidoxy, a third The triumphes of Saffron-walden, with the merrie con∣ceipts of VVee three; or The three Brothers; a fourth, Stoope Gallant, or The Fall of pride; the fifth and last, A pleasant Enterlude of No foole to the old Foole, with a ••igge at the latter ende in English Hexameters of Oneighbour Gabrie••l, and his wooing of Kate Cotton. More than half of one of these I haue done alreadie, and in Candlemas Tearme you shal see it acted, though better acted than hee hath been at Cambridge, hee can neuer bee; where, vpon euerie Stage hee hath beene brought for a Sicophant and a Sow-gelder.
VVilt thou haue nere a plucke at him for Dan∣ters scar-crow Presse, and so abusing thy Printer?
In pudding time you haue spoken, my Prin∣ter who euer, shall sustain no damage by me: & where hee tearmeth his Presse a Scar-crow Presse, he shall find it will scare & crow ouer the best Presse in London, that shall Print a Reply to This. Hee that dares most, let him trie it, (as none will trie it, that hath a care to 〈◊〉〈◊〉
by his trade, not a hundred of anie Impresion of the Doctors bookes euer selling). My Printers Wife too hee hath had a twitch at in two or three places about the midst of his booke, and makes a maulkin & a shoo∣clout of her, talkes of her moody tung, and that she wil teach the florme winde to scolde English; but let him looke to himselfe, for though in all the time I haue lyne in her House, and as long as I haue knowen her, I ne∣uer saw anie such thing by her; yet since hee hath giu'n her so good a cause to finde her tung, and so vniustly & despitefully prouokt her, shee will tell him such a tale in his eare the next time shee meetes him, as shall bee worse than a Northern blast to him, and haue a hand∣full of his beard (if hee defend not himselfe the better) for a maulkin or wispe to wype her shooes with.
The Gentlewoman hauing taken her Lenuoy or Farewell, Barnabe Barnes steps in with An Epistle to the right Worshipfull his especiall deare Frend M. Ga∣briell Haruey, Doctor of the Law.
It were no booke else, if one or other were not drawne in to call him Right VVorshipfull: & when hee hath no bodie to help him, he gets one of his Bro∣thers to Epistle it to him, or in their absence ••aines an E∣pistle in their names, where his stile to the ful shalbe set in great letters, like a Bill for a House to be let: and vp∣pon paine of excommunication with bell book & can∣dle, none of his Brothers must publish anie thing, but to his Dottel ship they must frame the like dedication.
The tenure of that scrimpum scrampum of Barneses, is no more but this, to exhort the sweet Doctor (as hee names him) to confound those viperous critical•• monsters, wheretoo hee is manifestly vrged; tho••gh he be••
fitter to encounter some more delicate Paranymphes, and honour the Vrany of Du Bartas. Hee hath a Sonet with it, wherein hee muokes and contures vp all Romes lear∣ned Orators, sweete Grecian Prophets, Philosophers, wi∣sest States-men, reuerend general Councells, all in one to behold, the Doctors ennobled Arts, as precious stones in gold. At the foote of that (like a right Pupill of the Doctors bringing vp) hee inserteth his post-scrist or cor∣rection of his Preamble, with a Counter-sonnet, superscri∣bed Nash, or the confuting Gentleman. In which hee besmeares & ••••uiles thee with all the cutpurse names that is possible, and sayes hee cannot bethinke him of names ill enough, since thou raylst at one, whom Bodine & Sidney did not flatter.
No more will I flatter him, hee may build vpon it. Thus it is, there was sometimes some prety expectation of this Patter-wallet & Megiddo, that now I am a salting and poudring of, and then Sir Philip Sid∣••ey (as he was a naturall cherisher of men of the least towardnes in anie Arte whatsoeuer) held him in some good regard, and so did most men; & (it may be) some kinde Letters hee writ to him, to encourage and ani∣mate him in those his hopefull courses he was entred into: but afterward, when his ambitious pride and va∣nitie vnmaskt it selfe so egregiously, both in his lookes, his gate, his gestures, and speaches; and hee would do nothing but crake and parret it in Print, in how manie Noble-mens fauours hee was, and blab euerie light speach they vttred to him in priuate, cockering & coy∣ing himselfe beyond imagination; then Sir Philip Sid∣ney (by little and little) began to looke askance on him, and not to care for him, though vtterly shake him off
hee could not, hee would so sawne & hang vpon him. For M. Bodines commendation of him, it is no more but this, one cōplementarie Letter asketh another; & Gabriell first writing to him, and seeming to admire him and his workes, hee could doo no lesse in humanitie (beeing a Scholler) but returne him an answere in the like nature. But my yong Master Barnabe the bright, and his kindnes (before anie desert at all of mine to∣wards him, might plucke it on or prouoke it) I neither haue nor will bee vnmindfull of.
Here is another Sonet of his, which hee cals Haruey, or The sweete Doctour, consisting of Sidney, Bodine, Hatcher, Lewen, Wilson, Spencer; that all their life time haue done nothing but conspire to lawd and honour Poet Gabriell.
Miserum est fuisse foelicem. It is a misera∣ble thing for a man to be said to haue had frends, and now to haue nere a one lest.
VVhat saist thou to the Printers Aduertise∣ment to the Gentleman Reader?
I say, ware you breake not your shins in the third line on preambles and postambles; and that it is not the Printers, but Harueys.
In it he makes mention of Thorius & Chutes sonets to bee added, pre••ixed, inserted or annexed at the latter ende.
The latter end? but the beginning of the tyde it may bee for the flowing.
As also a third learned French Gentlemans verses Monsieur Fregeuile Gautius, who both in French and Latine hath publisht some weightie Treatises.
Were they weightie Treatises? the Prin∣ters
purse neuer so; but in this respect they might bee tearmd to be weightie, that they were so heauie, they would ••ere come out of Poules Church-yard. I will haue a sound list at him anone, for all his Mathematical deuices of his owne inuention, wherewith hee hath acquainted Ma. Doctour Haruey, nothing so good as a knife with prickles in the hast, or these Boyes paper∣dragons that they let fly with a pack-thrid in the fields.
His booke.
Hand off, there is none but I will haue the vnclasping of that, because I can doo it nimblest. It is deuided into foure parts; one against mee, the second against M. Lilly, the third against Mart••nists, the fourth against D. Perne. Neither are these parts seuerally di∣stinguished in his order of handling, but like a Dutch stewd-pot iumbled altogether, and linsey-wolsey wo∣••en one within another. But one of these parts falleth to my share, I being bound to answer for none but my selfe; yet if I speake a good word now & then for my frends by the way, they haue the more to thanke mee for.
Incipit Caput primum. I was euer vnwilling to vndertake a••ie thing, &c.You ly, you ly Gabriell, I know what you are about to saye, but Ile shred you off three leaues at one blowe. You were most willing to vndertake this controuersy, for els you would neuer haue first begun it; you wold neuer haue lyne writing against mee here in London in the verie hart of the Plague a whole Summer; or after (through your Frends intreatie) wee were reconcide, popt out your Booke against me. Now say what you will of being vrgd, loofing of time, impudencie and slan∣der,
& another Table Philosophie that ye fancy; for there is not a dog vnder the table that will beleeue you.
hath Apuleius euer an Atturney here? One Apuleius (by the name of Apule••us) he endites to be an engrosser of arts and inuentions, putting downe Plato, Hippocrates, Aristtle, and the Paragraphs of Iustinian. Non est i•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ent us: there's no such man to be found; let them that haue the Commission for the Cōcealments looke a••ter it, or the Man in the Moone put for it. Ga∣briell casts a vile learing eye at me, as who should saye, he quipt me secretly vnder it, if he durst vtter so much, Also in that which succeedeth, of One that is a common contemner of God and man, stampes and treades vnder his foote the reuerentest old and new VVriters, ••pposeth himselfe against Vniuersities, Parliaments and generall Councells, encloseth all within his owne braine, and is a changer, an innouater, a cony-catcher, a rimer, a rayler, that out-faceth heauen and earth. But sost you now, how is all this or anie part of this to bee prou'd? make account he will (vpon his oath) denie it. Hath he spo∣ken, printed, written, contriued or imagined, or cau∣sed to bee spoken, written, printed, contriued or ima∣gined anie thing against these? or exprest in his counte∣naunce, the least wincke of dishke of them? Let some instance of that be produced, and he be not able to re∣sute it; Ile vndertake for him (which is the most igno∣minious imposition he can tie himselfe to) her shall giue thee his tung for a rag to wype thy taile with, and haue his right hand cut off, for thy Mother to hang out for an ale house signe. Cannot a man declaime against a Catalonian and a Hethite, a Moabite Gabriell and an A∣morite Dicke, but all the ancient Fathers, all the renou∣med
Philosophers, Orators, Poets, Historiographers, and old & new excellent Writers must bee disparaged and trode vnder foote, God and man contemned and set at nought? Vniuersities, Parliaments, general Coun∣cells oppugned? and he must be another Romane Pa∣lemon, who vaunted all Science began and ended with him? a changer, an innouater, a cony-catcher, a railer, and out-facer of heauen and earth.
Is there such high treason comprehended vnder cal∣ling a soppe a ••oppe, & cudgelling a curre for his snarl∣ing? Or it is thus, our iracundious Stramutzen Gabri∣ell standing much vpon his reading, and that all the Li∣braries of the auncient Fathers, renowmed Philoso∣phers, Poets, Orators, Historiographers, and olde and new excellent Writers, are hoorded vp in the Amal∣thaeas Horne of his braine, with whatsoeuer Constitu∣tions and Decretalls of generall Councells and Parlia∣ments, and for he hath commenst in both Vniuersities; therefore he concludes, He which writes against him must write against them all, & so) per consequens) vaunt him aboue all; and if he vaunts him aboue them all, he is a changer, an innouater, an impostor, a railer at all, & consounds heauen and earth. This is the tydiest Argu∣ment he can frame to make his matter good, though it followes no more, than that a man should bee helde a traitor and accused to haue abusde the Queene and Counsaile, and the whole State, for calling a fellowe knaue that hath read the Booke of Statutes, since by them all in generall they were made.
Thou art unwise to canuaze it so much, for hee thrust it in but for a Rhetoricall figure of amplification.
Rhetoricall figure? and if I had a hundred
sonnes, I had rather haue them disfigur'd & keep them at home as cyphers, than send them to schoole to learn to figure it after that order.
You may haue them worse brought vp, for so you should be sure neuer to haue them counted lyers, since Rhetoricians though they lye neuer so groscly, are but said to haue a luxurious phrase, to bee eloquent an∣pli••iers, to bee full of their pleasant Hyperboles, or speake by Ironies; and if they raise a slaunder vpon a man of a thing done at home, when hee is a 1000. mile off, it is but Prosopopeya, personae fictio, the supposing or faining of a person: and they will alledge Tully, Demosthenes, Demades, Aeschines, and shew you a whole Talaeus & Ad Herennium of figures for it, foure and fiftie times more licentious. These Arithmetique figurers are such like iugling transformers, lying by Addition and Nume∣ration, making frayes and quarrelling, by Diuision, get∣ting wenches with childe by Multiplication, stealing by Substraction; and if in these humors they haue consumd all and are faine to bre••ke, they doo it by Fraction.
That last part of Arithmetique (which is Fraction or breaking) I intend to teach Gabriel; thogh to all the other, as Addition, Deuision, Rebating or Substraction, of his owne ingrafted disposition hee is aptinough, and so hee is to Multiplication too, hee ha∣uing since I parted with him last got him a Gentlewo∣man.
Both the•• and hee talke much of that Gentle∣woman, but I would we might know her, and see her vn∣hukt and naked once, as Paris in Lucians Dialogues, de∣sires Mercury hee might see the three Goddesses naked, that stroue for the golden Ball.
The Venus shee is that would win it from them all, if the controuer sie were now a••toate againe: and which thou pretermitted•••• before, hee puts her in print for a Venus, yet desires to see her a Venus in print; pub∣lisheth her for a strumpet (for no better was Venus) and yet he would haue her a strumpet more publique.
By that name had hee not so publisht her, yet his peacocke pluming her like another Pandora, (from Poets too parasiticall commending of whome first grew the name of Pandare, though Sir Philip Sid∣ney fetcheth it out of Plautus) through his incredible praising of her I say (wherein one quarter of his Book is spent) he hath brought all the world into a perswasi∣on, that shee is as common as Rubarbe among Phisiti∣ons; since (as Thucidides pronouhceth) shee is the ho∣nestest woman, of whose praise or dispraise is least spo∣ken. My pen he prodigally insulteth shee shall pumpe to as drie a spunge as anie is in Hosier Lane, and wring our braines like emptie purses. I dem per idem in sense he speakes, though it be not his comparison, and Tam∣burlain- like hee braues it indesinently in her behal••e, setting vp bills like a Bear-ward or Fencer, what fights we shall haue and what weapons she will meete me a••.
Fasilia the daughter of Pelagius King of Spain, was torne in pe••ces by a Beare; & so I hope thou wilt tear her and tug with her, if she begin once to playe the Deuill of Dowgate: but as there was a woman in Roome, that had her childe slaine with thunder and lightning in her wombe ere she was deliuerd; so it is like inough hers will bee, and proue an Embrion, and we shall neuer see it: or if wee doe, looke for another armed Pallas issuing out of Ioues braine, or an Amazonian Hippolite, that will bee
good inough for Theseus; or the female of the Aspis, who (if her mate be kild by any passenger in the way), tho∣rough fire, thorough the thickest assembly she will pursue him, or anie thing but water.
In some Countreys no woman is so honor able as she that hath had to doo with most men, and can giue the lusteest striker oddes by 25. times in one night as Mes∣salina did; and so it is with this his braiche or bitch-foxe.
Agelastus Grand-father to Crassus, neuer laught but once in his life, and that was to see a mare eate thistles; so this will be a iest to make one laugh that lyes a dying, to see a Gillian draggell taile r••n her taile into a bushe of thornes, because her nailes are not long inough to soratch it, & play at wasters with a qu••l for the britches.
Multi illum iuuenes, multae petiere puellae, Boyes, wenches, and euerie one pursue him for his beauty.
Non caret effectu, quod voluere duo,Thou canst neuer hold out, if thou wert Hercules, if two to one encounter thee.
Quis nisiment is inops tenerae declamat amic••. Who but an ingram cosset would keepe such a court∣ing of a Curtezan to haue her combat for him; or doo as Dick Haruey did, (which information piping hot in the midst of this line was but brought to mee) that ha∣uing preacht and beat downe three pulpits in inueigh∣ing against dauncing; one Sunday euening, when hys Wench or Friskin was footing it alo••t on the Greene, with foote out and foote in, and as bufie as might be at Rogero, Basilino, Turkelony, All the flowers of the broom, Pepper is black, Greene sleeues, Peggie Ramsey, he came sneaking behinde a tree and lookt on, and though hee was loth to be seene to countenance the sport, hauing
laid Gods word against it so dreadfully, yet to shew his good-will to it in hart, hee sent her 18. pence in hugger mugger to pay the fidlers: let it sink into ye, for it is true & will be verefide. Let Gabrtel verefie anie one thing so against mee, and not thinke to carrie it away with hys generall extenuatings, ironicall amplifications, and de∣clamatorie exclamations. Nor let him muck ehill vp so manie pages in saying he lookt for termes of aqua fortis and gumpowder, and that I haue thundred and giu'n ••ut tragically, when nought appeares but the sword of cats-meat••, and the fire-brand of dogs-meate, and Aut nunc aut nunquam, and two staues and a pike: but let him shew what part of that his first Booke I haue not from the crowne to the little toe consuted, and laid as open as a custard or a cowsheard; and if my Booke bee cats-meate and dogs-meate, his is much worse, since on hys mine hath his whole foundation and dependance, and I doo but paraphrase vpon his text. Something that he grounds this cats-meate and dogs-meate on, I will not with stand but I haue lent him; as in my Epis••le to Apis lapis, where I wish him to let Chaucer be new scowrd a∣gainst the day of battaile, and Terence but come in now and then with the snus••e of a sentence and Dictum puta, wee'l strike it as dead as a doore-naile, Haud terun••ij e∣stimo, we haue cats-meate & dogs-meate inough for these mungrels. Hence, as if I had continually harpt vppon it, in euerie tenth line of my Book he faith I do no∣thing but assaile him with cat-meat & dogs-meat; when there is not anie more spoken of it, than I haue shewd you. So Aut nunc aut nunquam he brings in for a mur∣dring shot, beeing neuer my Posie, but Aut nunquam tentes, aut perfice at the latter end of my Foute Letters;
speaking to him, that he shuld not go about to answere me, except he set it soundly on; for otherwise, with a sound counterbuffe I would make his eares ring a∣gaine, and haue at him with two staues & a pike, which was a kinde of old verse in request, before he fell a ray∣ling at Turberuile or Elderton. Some Licos••henes read∣ing (which showes plodding & no wit) he hath giu'n a twinckling glimps of, & like a school-boy said ouer his gear to his vnckles & kinsfolk, and tels what Authours he hath read, when he floted in the sea of encounters; which for ought he hath alleadgd out of them, he may haue stolne by the whole sale out of Ascanius or An∣drew Maunsells English Catalogue. No villaine, no A∣theist, no murdrer, no traitor, no Sodomite, hee euer read of but he hath likend mee too, or in a superlatiue degree made me a monster beyond him, for no other reason in the earth, but because I would not let him go beyond me, or be won to put my finger in my mouth, & crie mumbudget, when be had baffuld mee in print throughout England. The victorioust Captaines and Warriours, the inuinciblest Caesars and Conquerours, the satyricallest confuters, and Luthers (like whom the Germanes affirme neuer anie in their tung writ so forci∣ble) in an Alphabet he trowles vp, and sayes I out-strip them all, I set them all too schoole. The quorsum or quare if you demaund, is this, I haue out stript and set him to schoole, and he is sure he is a better man than a∣nie of them. The verie guts and garbage of his Note∣book, he hath put into this tallow loa••e, & not lest anie Frezeland, Dutch or Almain scribe (where they Com∣mence and and doo their Actes with writig Bookes) that hath but squibd foorth a Latin Puerilis in Print, or
set his name to a Catechisme, vncōpared or vnscoard. Atrue Pellican he is, that peirceth his breast & lets out all his bowels to giue li••e to his yong. No Author but himselfe and Nashe heereafter he can cyte, which hee hath not s••ellified worse than Sapiēs dominabiturastris, the ordinarie Posie for all Almanackes, or the present∣ing of Artaxerxes with a cup of water, vsde in euerie Epistle Dedicatorie; and those two hee hath wrought reasonably vpon, hauing worne the first (which is him∣selfe) naplesse, & the other owes him nothing. Against blasphemous Seruetus or Muretus or Sunius, that haue been so bold with her Maiestie and this State, was thys Inuectiue of his first armd and aduanced; which (vp∣pon the missing his preserment or aduauncement in Court) he supprest, and in the bottom of a rustie ham∣per let it lye asleepe by him, (euen as he did the Aduer∣risement against Pap-hatchet & Martin, which he hath yoakt with it, by his own date euer since ••9.) and now with putting in new names here and there of Nashe & Piers Pennilesse, he hath so pannyerd and drest it that it seemes a new thing, though there be no new thing in it that claimes anie kindred of mee, more than a dozen of fami••ht quips, but like a lose French cassock or gab∣berdine would fit any man. Those more appropriate blowes ouer the thumbe, are these. My praising of A∣retine; so did he before me, the verie words whereof I haue set downe in my other Booke: my excepting a∣gainst his Doctorship; better Doctors than euer he wil be put it in my head, and if therein I misrepor, I erre by authoritie. My calling him a fawn••-guest messenger betwixt M. Bird and M. Demetrius, in the companie of one of which, he neuer din'd nor supt this •• yeres; & for∣th••
other, he neuer drunke with to this day: he may be a ••awn-guest in his intent neuertheles, and if he neither eate nor drunck at M. Demetrius, why did he so famili∣arly write to him, M. Demetrius, in your absence I found your wife verie curteous? For a great irespasse he layes it to me, in that I haue praised her Maiesties affabilitie towards Shollers, and attributed to Noble-men so much pollicy & wisdome, as to haue a priuy watch word in their praises, and crossing his sleight opinion of Inuectiues & Satyres. Like Sophisticall Disputers that only rehearse not answere, he runs on telling, how I haue fatherd on him a new Part of Tully, which he fetcht out of a wall at Barnwell, euen as Poggius in an old Monasterie found out a new Part of Quintillian, after it had bin manie hun∣dred yeres lost; my taking vpon me to be Greenes aduo∣cate, my threatning so incessantly to haunt the Ciuilian & the Deuine, that to auoid the hot chase of my fierie quill, they shall be constrained to enskonse themselues in one of their Phisition Brothers old vrinall cases; my calling him butter-whore, & bidding him Rip, rip, you kitchin-stufle wrangler; my accusing him of carterlyderisions and milk∣maids girds, as Good beare bite not, A man's a man thogh he hath but a hose on his head. Pulchre mehercule dictum, sapienter, lautè, lepide, nil suprà, nothing so good as the iests of the Councell Table asse, Richard Clarke.
Yes that he doth more than rehearse, for he maintains them to be the Ironies of Socrates, Aristopha∣nes, Epicharmus, Lucian, Tully, Quintillian, Sanaza∣rius, K. Alphonsus, Cardan, Sir Th. Moore, Isocrates; looke the first 156. Page of his Booke, & ye shal ••inde it so.
VVhat, had they no better iests, than Good beare bite not, or A man is a man though he hath but a
hose on his head, Pulchre mehercule dictum? O dis∣honor to the house from whence they come.
He chargeth mee, to haue derided and abused the most valorous Mathematicall Arts; let him shewe me wherein, and I will answere: of palbable Atheisme he condemnes me, for drinking a cup of lambswooll to the health of his Brothers Booke, cald The Lamb of God & his Enemies; then what Atheists are they that turne it to wast paper and goe to the priuy with it? as to no o∣ther vses it is conuerted, it lying dead & neuer selling: and againe with the Atheist he spur-gals mee, in that I iested at heauen, calling it the hauen where his deceased Brother is arriued.
Is it a iest that his brother is arriu'd in hea∣uen? he is in hell then belike.
A more likelier peice of Atheisme thou maist vrge against him, where he saith in one leafe, that one a∣cre of performance, is worth twentie of the Land of Promise: as though God had not performd to the Chil∣dren of Israel, the Land of Promise he vowd to them.
The deepe cut out of my grammer Rules Astra pet it disert••s he hits me with. I am sorry for it I slanderd him so, for he was neuer eloquent; if he bee not aboue the starres, I would hee were. Hee com∣plaines I doo not regard M. Bird, M. Spencer Mounsi∣eur Bodin. In any thing but in praising him, and therin as Aristotle non vidit verum in spiritualibus, nor Barnard all things; so they may haue theyr eyes daze∣led. To a bead-roll of learned men and Lords hee appeales, whether he be an Asse or no, in the forefront of whom, he puts M. Thomas VVatson, the Poet: A man he was that I dearely lou'd and honor'd, and for
all things hath le••t few his equalls in England, he it was that in the company of diuers Gentlemen one night at supper at the Nags head in Cheape; first told me of his vanitie, and those Hexameters made of him,
But o what newes of that good Gabriell Haruey, Knowne to the world for a foole and clapt in the Fleet for a Rimer.For the other graue men, they all speak as their fore∣man. His imprisonment in the Fleete he affirmes is a lewd supposall (the Hexameter vearse before prooues it) as also his writing the welwillers Epistle in praise of himselfe, before his first foure Letters a yeare ago. The Compositor that set it, swore to mee it came vn∣der his owne hand to bee printed. Hee bids the world examine the Preamble before the Supplication to the di∣uell, and see if I doo not praise my selfe, and that the te∣no••r of the stile, & identity of the phrase proues it to be mine. He needed not go so far about to sent me out by my stile and my phrase, for if he had euer ouerlookt it he would haue seene my name to it, and besides ano∣ther argument that he neuer read it is, which (whosoe∣uer shal peruse it wil finde) it is altogether in my owne dispraise and disabling, and grieuing at the imperfect printing and misinterpreting of it, let him shewe mee but one tittle or letter in it tending to any other drist He vpbraides me by the poore fellow my Fathers putting me to my scribling shifts, and how I am beholding to the Printing-house for my poore shifts of apparai••e: My Fa∣ther put more good meate in poore mens mouthes, than all the ropes & liuing is worth his Father left him, together with his mother and two brothers; and (as another Scholler) he brought me vp at S. Iohns, where
(it is well knowen) I might haue been Fellow if I had would: and for deriuing my maintenaunce from the Printing-house, so doo both Vniuersities, and whoso∣euer they be that come vp by Learning, out of Prin∣ted Boookes gathering all they haue; and would not haue furre to put in their gownes, if it, or writing were not. But if hee meane that from writing to the Presse, I scrape vp my exhibition, let him s••rape it out for a lye; till the Impression of this Book, I hauing got nothing by Printing these three yeres. But when I doo play my Prizes in Print, Ile be paid for my paines that's once, & not make my selfe a gazing stocke and a publique spec∣tacle to all the world for nothing as he does, that giues money to be seene and haue his wit lookt vpon, neuer Printing booke yet, for whose Impression he hath not either paid or run in debt. Printers (aboue all the rest) haue nothing to thanke him for, in his Praise of the asse, he putting in the Presse for the arrantest Asse of all, be∣cause it is such a meanes to presse him to death, and confound him. Danters Presse sweares after three Forme a day, since he hath giuen it the Presse and dis∣grac't them it will (how euer others neglect it) neuer haue done“ beating vppon him, nor hath it acquited him for calling me Danters gentleman, who is as good at all times as VVolfes right worshipfull Gabriell, or the gentleman he brings in reading a Chapter (Colledge fashion at dinner time) against Piers & his proceedings, and the approbation of his Docterly reincounter. Ap∣plaud and partake with him who list, this is my defini∣tiue position, which Anaxandrides a Comick Poet said of the Aegyptian superstition, Maximam Anguillam quam Deum putant, comedo; canem quem colunt, ver∣bero.
They worship the great Eeele for a God, which I eate or disgest; and the Dog they adore, I spurne or driue out of dores. Hidr as heads I should go about to cut off, (as Tacitus saies of them that thinke to cut off all discommodities or inconueniences from the Lawes) if I should vndertake to run throghout all the foolish friuolous reprehensions & cauils he hath in his Booke. I will take no knowledge of his late of ten egs for a penny, and nine of them rotten, a gormandizing breakfast he saies I was at of egs and butter; which if he can name where when or with whom, I will giue him an annuitie of eg-pyes. No more will I of his calling me Captaine of the boyes, and Sir Kil-prick; which is a name fitter for his Piggen de wiggen or gentlewoman: or els because she is such a hony sweetikin, let her bee Prick-madam, of which name there is a flower, & let him take it to himselfe, and raigne intire Cod-pisse Kin∣ko, and Sir Murdred of placards durante bene placito, as long as he is able to please or giue them geare. Like∣wise the Captainship of the boyes I tosse backe to him, he hauing a whole Band of them to write in his praise: but if so he terme me in respect of the minoritie of my beard, he hath a beard like a Crow with two or three durtie strawes in her mouth, going to build her neast. See him & see him not I will, about that his meaziid in∣uention of the Good-wife my mothers finding her daugh∣ter in the ouen, where she would neuer haue sought her, if she had not been there first her selfe: (a hackny prouerb in mens mouths euer since K. Lud was a little boy, or Belinus Brennus brother, for the loue hee bare to oy∣sters built Billinsgate;) therfore there is no more to be said to it, but if he could haue told how to haue made
a better lye he would. I will not present into the Ar∣ches or Commissaries Court, what prinkum prankums Gentlemen (his nere neighbors) haue whispred to me of his Sister, and how shee is as good a fellow as euer turnd belly to belly, for which she is not to be blam'd, but I rather pitie her and thinke she cannot doo with∣all, hauing no other dowrie to marie her. Good Lord, how one thing brings on another; had it not bin for his baudy sister, I should haue forgot to haue answerd for the bau••ie rymes he threapes vpon me. Are they rimes? and are they ba••die? and are they mine? Well, it may be so that it is not so; or if it be, men in their youth (as in their sleep) manie times doo something that might haue been better done, & they do not wel remember.
O Yes. Be it knowen vnto all men by these pre∣sents, that what soeuer names of Duns, asse, or Dorbell I haue giu'n Gabriel Haruey, or of a kit∣chin stuffe wrangler, and reading the Lecture of Ram al∣ley, I will still perseuer and insist in; as also, that I wilbe as good as my word in desending any (but abhomina∣ble Atheists) that shall write against him, that I will still maintaine there is in court but one true Diana, & so wil all that are true subiects to her Maiestie; that I think as reuerently of London as of any Citie in Europe, though I doo not cal it the“ Madam Towne of the Realme, as he hath done, and that I hold no place better gouerned, how euer in so great a sea of all waters, there cannot chuse but be some quick-sands and rockes & shelues, that I neuer so much as in thought detracted from Du Bartas, Buchanan, or anie generall allowed moderne Writer, howere Gnimelse Hengist here giues out, with
out naming time place or to whome I did how I vowd to confute them all; that Mast. Lilly neuer procur'd Greene or mee to write against him, but it was his own first seeking and beginning in The Lamb of God, where he and his Brother (that loues dauncing so wel) scum∣merd out betwixt thē an Epistle to the Readers against all Poets and Writers, & M. Lilly & me by name he be∣rusfianizd & berascald, cōpar'd to Martin, & termd vs piperly make-plaies and make-bates, yet bad vs holde our peace & not be so hardie as to answere him, for if we did, he would make a bloodie day in Poules Church-yard, & splinter our pens til they stradled again, as wide as a paire of Compasses. Further be it knowen vnto you, that be∣fore this I praisde him (after a sort) in an Epistle in Greenes Menaphon.
But 〈◊〉〈◊〉 thou so?
O what do you meane to hinder my Pro∣clamation? I did, I did, as vnfainedly and sincerely as in his first butter-fly Pamphlet against Greene he praisd me for that proper yong man, Greenes fellow VVriter, whom (in some respects) he wisht well too; as also in hys Booke he writ against Greene and mee, he raild vppon me vnder the name of Piers Pennilesse, and for a bribe that I should not reply on him praisd me, and reckond me (at the latter end) amongst the famous Schollers of our time, as S. Philip Sidney, M. VVatson, M. Spencer, M. Daniell, whom he hartily thankt, & promised to en∣dow with manie complements for so enriching our Eng∣lish Tongue.
Then what an Asse is hee to call thee an Asse for praising him, & after thou hadst praisd him (though it was but pretie and so, for a Latine Poet after others)
vpon a good turn done him (& no iniurie fore-running) to build the foundation of a quarrell.
Further than further bee it knowne (since I had one further before) I neuer abusd Marloe, Greene, Chettle in my life, nor ani•• of my frends that vsde me like a frend: which both Marloe and Greene (if they were aliue) vnder their h••nds would testi••ie, euen as Harry Chettle hath in a sh••rt note here.
I Hold it no good manners (M. Nashe) being but an Ar∣tificer to giue D. Harue•• the ly though he haue deseru'd it, ••y publishing in Print you haue done mee wrong, which priuately I neuer found: yet to confirme by my Art in deed, what his calling forbids mee to affirme in word, your booke being readie for the Presse, Ile square & set it out in Pages; that shall page and lackey his infamie after him (at least) while he liues, if no longer.
Your old Compositer, Henry Chettle.
Yes Greene he conuinces thee to haue abused, in that thy defence of him is a more biting commen∣dation than his reproose.
It is so hereticall a falsifier, a man had not need talke with him without a Bible in the roome; for it may be he hath some care of his oath, if it be not in a matter of reconciliation, or repaying of money, as to Dexters man: but his ipse dixit, his report otherwise is nothing so currant as beggers about the Courts re∣moue. Nere tell me of this or that he sayes I spake or did, except he particularize and stake downe the verie words, and catching them by the throate like a thee••e
say, these are they that did the deed, I arrest you, and I charge you all gentle Readers to aid me. What truly might be spoken of Greene, I publisht, neither discom∣mending him, nor too much flattering him (for I was nothing bound to him); whereas it maye be alleadgd against Gabriel, as it was against Paulus Iouius, Quae ve∣rissime s••ribere potuit noluit, & quae voluit non potuit: Those things which hee might haue related truely hee would not, and those which he would hee could not, for want of good intelligence. How he hath handled Greene and Marloe since their deaths, those that read his Bookes may iudge: and where like a iakes barreller and a Gorbolone he girds me with imitating of Greene, let him vnderstand, I more scorne it, than to haue so foule a iakes for my groaning stoole as hys mouth; & none that euer had but one eye with a pearle in it, but could discern the difference twixt him & me; while he liu'd (as some Stationers can witnes with me) hee sub∣scribing to me in any thing but plotting Plaies, wherein he was his cra••ts master. Did I euer write of Conycat∣ching? stufft my stile with hearbs & stones? or appren∣tisd my selfe to running of the letter? If not, how then doo I 〈◊〉〈◊〉 him? A hang-by of his (one Valentine Bird, that writ against Greene) imitated me, & would embezill out of my Piers Pennilesse sixe lines at a clap, and vse them for his owne. Nay he himselfe hath pur∣loyned something from mee, and mended his hand in confuting by fifteen parts, by following my presidents. There is two or three mouth fulls of my Oo yes yet behinde, which after I haue drawne out at length, you shall see me (like a Crier, that when he hath done kire∣elosoning it, puts of his cap, and cries God saue the
Queene, & so steps into the next ale-house) steale out of your companie before you bee aware, and hide my selfe in a Closet no bigger than would holde a Church Bible, till the beginning of Candlemas Terme, and then if you come into Poules Church-yard, you shall meete mee.
Oo yes, be it knowne, I can ryme as wel as the Do∣ctor, for a sample whereof, in stead of his
Noddy Nash, whom euerie swash,and his occasionall admonitionatiue Sonnet, his Apostrophe Sonnet, and tynie titmouse Lenuoy, like a welt at the edge of a garme••t, his goggle-eyde Sonnet of Gorgon, and the wonderfull yeare, and another Lenuoy for the chape of it, his Stanza declaratiue, VVriters post-script in meeter, his knitting vp Cloase, and a third Lenuoy, like a fart after a good stoole; In stead of all these (I say) here is the tufft or labell of a rime or two▪ the trick or habit of which I got by looking on a red nose Ballet∣maker that resorted to our Printing-house. They are to the tune of Labore Dolore, or the Parlament tune of a pot of ale and nutmegs and ginger, or Eldertons an∣cient note of meeting the diuell in conture house lane. If you hit it right, it will go maruellous sweetly.
Gabriel Haruey fames duckling, hey noddie, noddie, noddie: Is made a gosling and a suckling, hey noddie, noddie, noddie.Or that's not it, I haue a better.
Dilla my Doctor deare, sing dilla, dilla, dilla: Nashe hath spoyled thee cleare with his quilla, quilla, quilla.
What more haue I in my Proclamation to yalp out? No more but this, that in both my bookes I haue ob∣iected some perticular vice more against him than pumps and panto••les, which those that haue not faith i∣nough to beleeue, may toote & superuize when they haue any literall idle leysure. The Tragedie of wrath, or Priscianus vapulans, promised in the epilogue Son∣ne•• of my Foure Letters, (three or foure words wher∣of as Awayte, and paint, and tread no common path, he mumbles and chewes in his mouth like a peece of Al∣lom, or the stone of a horse-plum to sucke off all the meate of it,) let him take this for it, whereby I am out of his debt, if not ouer plus. And where he terrefies mee with insulting hee was Tom Burwels the Fencers Scholler, and that he will squeaze and mazer me whensoe∣uer he met me, why did hee it not when hee met me at Cambridge, we lying backe to backe in the same Inne, and but two or three square trenchours of a wainscot dore betwixt vs? By our reconciliation he cannot ex∣cuse it, since the law-day was out, and the feude open againe by his breach of truce, and my defiance to him in an Epistle to the Reader in Christs tears. But let him hence forth prouide him of two or three sturdie Plow men (such as his swines fac't blue-coate was) when I legerd by him in the Dolphin, for otherwise not all the ••ence he learnd of Tom Burwell shall keepe mee from cramming a turd in his iawes (and no other bloud will I draw of him.) I haue bespoken a boy and a nap••in already to carry it in. Last of all there is nothing I haue bragd of my writing in all humors, no not so much as of his fleshly humours, but shall be anuilde for true steele on his standish, I making an indenture twixt God and
my soule, to consume my bodie as slender as a stilt or a broome-staffe, and my braine as poore and compen∣dius, as the pummell of a scotch saddle, or pan of a Tobacco pipe, but as the Elephant and the Rinoceros neuer fight but about the best pastures, so will I winne from him his best Patrons, and driue him to confesse himselfe a Conundrum, who now thinks he hath lear∣ning inough to proue the saluation of Lucifer; Apo∣logize it for him as many Chutes, Barnesses, or vile ••rig∣gers, or Fregeuiles as there will.
Thou promisedst to haue a dead lift at that Fregeuile.
I, here I am come to his verses, but let mee take them in order as they lie; Thorius is first, with a Letter, and Sonnet, and Post-script of Chutes
More Post-scripts and preambles, hath he (as with his Thrasonisme) infectea them all with his me∣thode of Lenuoyes, Post-scripts and Preambles.
From Master Thorius I haue a Letter vn∣der his owne hand which hee sent mee to be printed, vtterly disclaiming the wrong which the Doctour (vn∣der his name) hath thrust out against mee. This is the conuterpaine of it.
To my very good friend M. Nashe.
MAster Nashe, I pray you to let my carri∣age towardes you alwaies, beget but thus much in your opinion, that I would neuer haue beene led with so much indiscretion as to raile against any man vnprouoked, or to offer
him wrong that neuer offended mee. Trucly vp∣on the sight of fiue or six sheets of Doctor Har∣ueyes Booke, I wrote certaine verses in his com∣mendation, but that Sonnet which in his booke is. subscribed with my name is not mine, and I gesse at the mistaking of it. Indeed the Stanzaes are, though altred to your disgrace in some places. To vse many words were vaine, and to ende wri∣ting and leaue you vnsatisfied, were to write to no end, and to leaue my selfe discontented. But if you consider how I was as much offended with the vniust vaineglorious Print as your s••lfe, wee shall both rest contented. Little did I think the booke should haue had so famous a Title, or so many Prefaces, or so many Letters and Pream∣••les, amongst which, some of mine blushing to looke vppon so contēptible a person they were di∣rected 〈◊〉〈◊〉, could not but be exceedingly ashamed to bee presented to the eyes of a whole world. I could mislike other things, but I will leaue them as trifles, Farewell. Yours to vse I. Thorius.
Chute that was the bawlingest of them all, & that bobd me with nothing but Rhenish furie, Stilliard clyme, oy∣ster whore phrase, claret spirit, and ale-house passions, with talking so much of drinke, within a yere and a halfe af∣ter died of the dropsie, as diuers Printers that were at his buriall certefide mee. Beeing dead, I would not haue reuiu'd him, but that the Doctor (whose Patron he was) is ali••e to answere for him. Mounsieur Fregu∣s••us or Mounsieur Fregeuile Gautiu••, that prating wea∣zell fac'd vermin, is one of the Pipers in this consort, and he is at it with his Apologie of the thrice learned and thrice eloquent Doctour Haruey, befooles and besots mee in euerie line, pleads the Doctors innocence, and the law∣fulnes of his proceedings; praiseth his moderate stile, saies he is sorie he is so vniustly pusht at' and being pusht at glad he hath so acquited him, and that his Answere 〈◊〉〈◊〉 reasona∣ble and eloquent.
I am sorie I haue no more roome to reason the ma••ter with him; for if I had, I did not doubt but to make him a fugitiue ou•• of England as well as he is ou•• of his owne Countrey: & in this great dearth in Eng∣land, we haue no reason but to make him a Fugitiue or banish him, since he is the rauenousest ••••ouen that euer lapt porredge, and out of two Noblemens houses he had his Mittimus of ye may be gone, for he was such a peruerse Ramisticall heretike, a busie reprouer of the principles of all Arts, and ••ower of seditious Paradox∣es amongst kitchin boyes.
My clue is spun, the Tear me is at an end, wherefore here I wil end and make Vacation: but if you wil haue a word or two of Doctour Perne and Master Lilly, in 〈◊〉〈◊〉 of one of Gabriels Apostrophe Sonnets or Len∣uoyes,
by Struthio Belliue••ento de Compasso Callpe∣ro and the Contents of it I protest and adiure, you shall. ••
Against Doctor Perne our Poditheck or Tolmach hath in his booke twilted and stitcht in a whole penny∣worth of paper, which his Gossipship that had the na∣ming of the child, dubs the Encomium of the Foxe. In it he endorseth him the puling Preacher of Pax vobis & humilitie, (to both of which Gabriell alwaies was an e∣nemie, euen as Doctor Perne was to his loue-lockes & his great ruffes and pantostes;) the triangle turne-coate, (I wold he had anie coat to turne but that he weares:) and for triangles, one angle or corner he wilbe glad of to hide him i•• after this Booke is out, & brickil & ouen vp his stinking breath, (which smells like the greasie snase of a candle) that I maye not come within aleuen∣teene score nose length of it. He brings in his coffin to speake, what a wodden iest is that? An ap••stata, an hi∣pocryte, a Machauill, a co••sner, a iugler, a letcher hee makes him, and saies he kept a Cubbe at Peter-house; that his hospitalitie was like Ember weeke or good Friday: & if a man should haue writ against Sergius that was the first setter vp of Mahomet, he could not haue parbra∣ked more vilenes, than he hath done against him. Vin∣cit qui patitur he saith (or a great Counseller that giues that Posie) can vnrip the whole packet of his knauerie, making him a broker to his se••tcherie. The whole Quire thankes you hartily. Doctor Perne is caskt vp in lead, and cannot arise to plead for himselfe: where∣fore this (as dutie to those some way bindes mee that were somwhat bound to him) I wil commit to inke & paper in his behalfe. Few men liu'd better, though like
〈…〉〈…〉 but that a chie••e Father of our Common••wealth lou'd him▪ (in whose house he died) hee 〈…〉〈…〉.
〈…〉〈…〉 ••pon the place he had, and for his 〈◊〉〈◊〉 & learning, they that mislike, want the like 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a••d 〈◊〉〈◊〉, or else they would haue more indgement to dis∣c••rne of it. For Master Li••••te (who is halues with me in this indignitie that is offred) I will not take the take 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ou•• o•• his mo••th, for he is better 〈…〉〈…〉 I am able to say he is able to 〈◊〉〈◊〉 himsel••e, a••d in as much time as hee spendes ••••••taking Tobacco 〈◊〉〈◊〉 w••eke, he can compile that, which would make 〈◊〉〈◊〉 repent himselfe all his li••e after. With a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••••nt he meanes shortly to bee at his chamber window for calling him the Fiddlesticke of Oxford. In that he ••wa••leth, it had bin better to haue confuted Mar••in by 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Cooper, than such 〈◊〉〈◊〉; tell mee why was hee not then con••uted by Reuerend Cooper, or made to hold his peace, till Master Li••••te and some 〈◊〉〈◊〉 with their pens drew vpon him? A day after the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 when he is hangd Haruey takes him i•• hand, but 〈…〉〈…〉 had beene aliue now, euen as he writ 〈…〉〈…〉 the Cooper, so would hee haue writ•••• Harueys whoope diddle▪ or the non-••uting 〈…〉〈…〉. I haue a laughing 〈…〉〈…〉 him saye, hee was once••suspected for Martin••▪ whe•• there is nere a Pursiuant in England▪ in the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 on his boots, euer thought of him or imputed to him so much wit. The bangingest thinges which I can
picke out, wherein he hath ••e••••ered Martin or de••en∣ded Bishops are ••hese: For a pol••shed stil•• ••ew goe be∣yond Car••••••••right; his ray••ing at mee, for speaking against Beza, the grand Champion against Bishops; his ma••••ci∣ous de••amation of Doctour Perne; where af••er hee hath polluted him with all the scandale hee could, hee ••aies The Clergie neuer wāted excellent fortune-wrights. 〈◊〉〈◊〉 he was one of the chee••est: as though the Church of England were vpheld and A••lassed by corruption, M••chauelisme, apos••atisme, hipocrysie and ••reacherie; in all these hee making him notorious in the highest 〈◊〉〈◊〉, dooth giue out, that he was one of the Churches ••heife fortune-wrights: and besides, (to mend the mat∣••••r) he asks, VVhat Bishap or Politician in England was so great a Temporiser as hee? I hope there be some Bi∣s••ops within the compasse of the two Metrapolitane Seas, that can fish 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 meaning out of this word Temporiser, and doo disdaine their high Cal∣ling should be so G••atho••ically compar'd, for such is a Tem••oriser; and with their profession it stands to bee no state Po••••ticians, but onely to meddle with the state of heau'n. Then he hath a tale out of Pontane against Bishops, for their riding vpon horses, & not asses as Christ did: aswe•• he might restrain them to ride vpon mares, as Iohn Bale saith our English Bi••••ops wer limitted too heretofore. Such another tale of a Horse hee hath of Gelo a Tyrant of ••••cily, whom he 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the politique Tyrant, for bringing in his great 〈◊〉〈◊〉 instead of a harper, into his Banquetting••ho••se; to d••••g and stale amongst his guests. It is a ••••ale ••••inking Apotheg; but Benè•••••••••• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 interfectus; (as Vi••ellius said) the sweete sauer of an enemie slaine takes away the▪ he smell of it.
More battring engi••s I had in a readines prepared to shake his walles, which I keepe backe till the next Tearme, meaning to insert them in my Foure Letters Con••uted, which then is to be renewed and reprinted a∣gaine.
So be your leaue God be with you I was bold to call in. Spectatores, the faults escaped in the Printing I wish may likewise escape you in reading. In the Epistle Dedi∣catorie correct Willington and put in Williamson: in the midst of the Booke vide make vidi: about the latter end stellified stalified, and Sunius Surius: with as many other words or letters, too much or too-wanting as ye will.
The Paradoxe of the Asse, M. Lilly hath wrought vp∣pon, as also to him I turne ouer the Doctors Apothecarie tearmes he hath vsed throughout, & more especially in his last Epistle of notable Contents.
Herewith the Court breakes vp and goes to dinner, all generally concluding with Traian; The Gods neuer suffer anie to be ouer-come in battail, but those that are enemies to peace.
Tu mihi criminis Author.
Printers beating with inke balles.
He might as vvell haue cald it the Countesle, or Duches Tovvue,