The vvoman hater As it hath beene lately acted by the Children of Paules.

ACTVS I. SCENA I.

Enter Duke of Millaine, Arrigo, Lucio, and two Courtiers.

TIs now the sweetest time for sleepe, the night is scarce spent; Arrigo, what's a clocke?

Arr.

Past foure.

Duk.

Is it so much, and yet the morne not vp? See yōder where the shamfac'd maidē comes Into our sight, how gently doeth shee slide, Hiding her chaste cheekes, like a modest Bride, With a red vaile of blushes; as is shee, Euen such all modest vertuous women be. Why thinkes your Lordship I am vp so soone?

Lucio.

About some waightie State plot.

Duk.

And what thinkes your knighthood of it?

Arr.

I doe thinke, to cure some strange corruptions in the common wealth.

Duk.

Y'are well conceited of your selues, to thinke I choose you out to beare me company In such affaires and businesse of state: But am not I a patterne for all Princes, That breake my softe sleepe for my subiects good? Am I not carefull? very prouident?

Luc.

Your grace is carefull.

Arri.

Very prouident.

Duk.

Nay knew you how my serious working plots, Concerne the whole estates of all my subiects, I and their liues; then Lucio thou wouldst sweare, I were a louing Prince.

Lucio.

I thinke your grace intendes to walke the pub∣lique streetes disguised, to see the streetes disorders.

Duke.

It is not so.

Arrig.

You secretly will crosse some other states, that doe conspire against you.

Duke.

Waightier farre: You are my friendes, and you shall haue the cause; I breake my sleepes thus soone to see a wench.

Lucio.

Y'are woundrous carefull for your subjects good.

Arrig.

You are a very louing Prince in deed.

Duke.

This care I take for them, when their dull eyes, Are clos'd with heauie slumbers.

Arr.

Then you rise to see your wenches?

Lucio.

What Millaine beautie hath the power, to charme her Soueraignes eyes, and breake his sleepes?

Duke.

Sister to Count Vaelore: She's a maide Would make a Prince, forget his throne and state, And lowly kneele to her: the generall fate Of all mortalitie, is hers to giue; As she disposeth, so we die and liue.

Luc.

My Lord, the day grow's cleere, the Court will rise.

Duke.

We stay too long, is the the Vmbranoes head as wee commaunded, sent to the sadde Gondarino, our generall?

Arr.

Tis sent.

Duk.

But stay, where shines that light?

Arrig.

Tis in the chamber of Lazarello.

Duke.

Lazarello? what is he?

Arrig.

A Courtier my Lord, and one that I wonder your grace knowes not: for he hath followed your Court, and your last predecessors, from place to place, any time this seauen yeare, as faithfully as your Spits and your Drip∣ping-pans haue done, and almost as greasely.

Duke

O we knowe him as we haue heard: he keepes a kallender of all the famous dishes of meate, that haue bin in the Court, euer since our great Graundfathers time; and when he can thrust in at no Table, hee makes his meate of that.

Lucio

The very same my Lord.

Duke.

A Courtier cal'st thou him? Beleeue me Lucio, there be many such About our Court, respected, as they thinke, Euen by our selfe; with thee I will be plaine:

We Princes do vse, to prefer many for nothing, and to take particular and free knowledge, almost in the nature of ac∣quaintance of many; whome we do vse only for our plea∣sures, and do giue largely to numberes; more out of polli∣cy, to be thought liberall, and by that meanes to make the people striue to deserue our loue; then to reward any par∣ticular desert of theirs, to whome we giue: and doo suffer our selues to heere Flatterers, more for recreation

Then for loue of it, though we sildome hate it: And yet we know all these, and when we please, Can touch the wheele, and turne their names about.

Lu.

I wonder they that know their states so well, should fancie such base slaues.

Duke.

Thou wondrest Lucio, Do'st not thou thinke, if thou wert Duke of Millaine, Thou should'st be flattered?

Lucio

I knowe my Lord, I would not.

Duke.

Why so I thought till I was Duke, I thought I should haue left me no more Flatterers, then there are now plaine-dealers; and yet for all this my resolution, I am most palpably flattered: the poore man may loath coue∣tousnes & flattery; but Fortune will alter the minde whē the winde turnes: there may be well a little conflict, but it will driue the byllowes before it.

Arrigo it grow's late, for see faire Thetis hath vndon the bares To Phebus teame; and his vnriual'd light, Hath chas'd the mornings modest blush away: Now must we to our loue, bright Paphian Queene; Thou Cytherean goddsse, that delights In stirring glaunces, and art still thy selfe, More toying then thy teame of Sparrowes bee; Thou laughing Errecina O inspire

Her heart with loue, or lessen my desire.

Exeunt.

SCENA II.

Enter Lazarello and his Boy.

Laz.

Goe runne, search, pry in euery nooke and Angle of the kitchins, larders, and pasteries, know what meate's boyl'd, bak'd, rost, stew'd, fri'de, or sows'd, at this din∣ner to be seru'd directly, or indirectly, to euery seuerall ta∣ble in the Court, be gone.

Boy.

I runne, but not so fast, as your mouth will doe vp∣on the stroake of eleuen.

Exit Boy.

Laz.

What an excellent thing did God bestow vpon man, when he did giue him a good stomacke? what vn∣bounded graces there are powr'd vpon them, that haue the continuall command of the very best of these bles∣sings? Tis an excellent thing to bee a Prince, hee is seru'd with such admirable varietie of fare; such innumerable choise of delicates, his tables are full fraught with most nourishing foode, & his cupbords heauie laden with rich wines; his Court is still filled with most pleasing varie∣ties: In the Summer, his pallace is ful of greene geese; and in Winter, it swarmeth woodcockes,

O thou Goddesse of plentie Fill me this day with some rare delicates, And I will euery yeare most constantly, As this day celebrate a sumptuous feast, If thou wilt send me victuals in thine honor; And to it shall be bidden for thy sake, Euen al the valiant stomacks in the Court: All short-cloak'd Knights, & al crosse-garter'd gentlemē; All pumpe and pantofle, foot-cloth riders; With all the swarming generation Of long stocks, short pain'd hose, & huge stuff'd dublets: All these shal eate, and which is more then yet Hath ere beene seene, they shall be satisfied. I wonder my Ambassador returnes not!

Enter Boy

Boy.

Here I am Maister.

Laza.

And welcome: Neuer did that sweete Virgin in her smocke, Faire cheek'd Andromeda, when to the rocke Her yuorie limbes were chain'de, and straight before A huge Sea monster, tumbling to the shoare, To haue deuoured her, with more longing sight Expect the comming of some hardy Knight, That might haue quel'd his pride, and set her free, Then I with longing sight haue look'd for thee.

Boy.

Your Perseus is come Master, that will destroy him, The very comfort of whole presence shuts The monster hunger from your yelping guts

Laza.

Briefe boy, briefe, discourse the seruice of each se∣uerall Table compendiously.

Boy.

Heres a Bill of all Sir.

Laza.

Giue it mee. A Bill of all the seuerall seruices this day appointed for euery Table in the Court: I, this is it on which my hopes relye; Within this paper all my ioyes are clos'de: Boy open it, and read it with reuerence.

Boy.

For the Captain of the Guards Table, three chynes of Beefe, and two jolls of Sturgeon.

Laza.

A portly seruice, but grosse, grosse, proceed to the Dukes owne Table, deare boy to the Dukes owne Table.

Boy.

For the Dukes owne Table, the head of an Vmbrana

Laza.

Is't possible! can Heauen bee so propitious to the Duke?

Boy.

Yes, Ile assure you Sir, 'tis possible, Heauen is so propitious to him.

Laza.

Why then he is the richest Prince aliue: He were the wealthiest Monarch in all Europe, Had he no other Territories, Dominions, Prouinces, Seats, Nor Pallaces, but only that Vmbranaes head.

Boy.

'Tis very fresh and sweet sir, the fish was taken but this night, & the head as a rare noueltie appointed by spe∣ciall cōmandement for the dukes own Table, this dinner.

Laza.

If poore vnworthy I may come to eat Of this most sacred dish, I here do vow (If that blind huswife Fortune will bestow But meanes on me) to keepe a sumptuous house, A board groning vnder the heauie burden of the beastes that cheweth the cudde, and the Fowle that cutteth the ayre: I shall not like the table of a countrey Iustice, be∣sprinckled ouer with all manner of cheape Sallets, sliced Beefe, Giblets, and Pettitoes, to fill vp roome, nor should there stand any great, combersome, vncut vp pyes at the nether end fill'd with mosse and stones, partly to make a shew with, and partly to keepe the lower messe from ea∣ting, nor shall my meat come in sneaking like the Cittie-seruice, one dish a quarter of an houre after one another gone, as if they had appointed to meet there, and had mi∣stooke the houre, nor should it like the new Court seruice come in, in hast, as if it faine would be gone againe, all courses at once, like a hunting breakefast, but I would haue my seuerall courses, and my dishes well fil'd, my first course should bee brought in after the auntient manner, by a score of old bleere-ey'de Seruingmen, in long blewe coates, (marry they shall buy silke, facing, and buttons themselues) but that's by the way.

Boy.

Maister the time call's on, will you be walking.

Exit Boy.

Laza.

Follow boy, follow, my guts were halfe an houre since in the priuie kitchin.

Exeunt.

SCENA TERTII.

Enter Counte and his sister Oriana.

Oria.

Faith brother I must needs goe yonder.

Count.

And yfaith sister what will you do yonder.

Oria.

I know the Lady Honoria will be glad to see mee.

Count.

Glad to see you, fayth the Lady Honoria cares for you as she doth for all other young Ladies, shee's glad to

see you, and will shew you the priuie Garden, and tel you how many gownes the Duchesse had: Marry if you haue euer an old vncle, that would be a Lord, or euer a kins∣man that hath done a murther, or committed a robberie, and will giue good store of money to procure his par∣don, then the Lady Honoria will be glad to see you.

Oria.

I, but they say one shall see fine fights at the Court.

Count.

Ile tell you what you shall see, you shall see ma∣ny faces of mans making, for you shall find very fewe as God left them: and you shall see many legges too; a∣mongst the rest you shall behould one payre, the feete of which, were in times past sockelesse, but are now through the change of time (that alters all thinges) very strangely become the legges of a Knight and a Courtier: another payre you shall see, that were heire apparant legges to a Glouer, these legges hope shortly to bee honourable; when they passe by they will bowe, and the mouth to these legges, will seeme to offer you some Courtship; it will sweare, but it will lye, heare it not.

Oria.

Why, and are not these fine sights?

Count.

Sister, in seriousnesse you yet are young And faire, a faire young maid and apt.

Oria.

Apt?

Count.

Exceeding apt, apt to be drawne to.

Oria.

To what?

Count.

To that you should not be, 'tis no dispraise, She is not bad that hath desire to ill, But she that hath no power to rule that will: For there you shalbe woed in other kinds Then yet your yeares haue knowne, the chiefest men Will seeme to throw themselues As vassailes at your seruice, kisse your hand, Prepare you banquets, maskes, shewes, all inticements That wit and lust together can deuise, To draw a Ladie from the state of grace

To an old Lady wyddowes Gallery; And they will prayse your vertues, beware that, The only way to turne a woman whore, Is to commend her chastitie: youle goe?

Oria.

I would goe, if it were but only to shew you, that I could be there, and be mou'd with none of these trickes.

Cont.

Your seruants are ready?

Oria

An houre since

Cont.

Well, if you come off cleere from this hot seruice, Your praise shall be the greater. Farewell Sister.

Oria.

Farewell Brother.

Cont.

Once more, if you stay in the presence till candle∣light, keep on the foreside oth' Curtaine; & do you heare, take heed of the old Bawd, in the cloth of Tissue-sleeues, and the knit Mittins. Farewell Sister.

Exit Oria.

Now am I idle, I would I had bin a Scholler, that I might a studied now: the punishment of meaner men is, they haue too much to doe; our onely miserie is, that without company we know not what to doe; I must take some of the common courses of our Nobilitie; which is thu••: if I can find no company that likes mee, plucke off my Hat∣band, throw an old Cloake ouer my face, and as if I would not bee knowne, walke hastely through the streetes, till I be discouered; then there goes Counte such a one, sayes one; there goes Counte such a one, sayes another: Looke how fast he goes, sayes a third; there's some great matters in hand questionlesse, sayes a fourth; when all my busi∣nesse is to haue them say so: this hath beene vsed; or if I can find any companie, Ile after dinner to the Stage, to see a Play; where, when I first enter, you shall haue a murmure in the house, euery one that does not knowe, cries, what Noble man is that; all the Gallants on the Stage rise, vayle to me, kisse their hand, offer mee their places: then I picke out some one, whom I please to grace among the rest, take his seate, vse it, throw my cloake ouer my face, and laugh at him: the poore gentle∣man imagines himselfe most highly grac'd, thinkes all the

Auditors esteeme him one of my bosome friendes, and in right speciall regard with me. But here comes a Gentle∣man, that I hope will make me better sport, then eyther street and stage fooleries.

Enter Lazarello and Boy.

This man loues to eat good meate, alwayes prouided hee do not pay for it himselfe: he goes by the name of the Hun∣garie Courtier; marry, because I thinke that name will not sufficiently distinguish him, for no doubt hee hath more fellowes there, his name is Lazarello, he is none of these same ordinary eaters, that will deuour three breakfasts, & as many dinners, without any preiudice to their beauers, drinkings or suppers; but he hath a more courtly kind of hunger, and doth hunt more after nouelty, then plenty, Ile ouer-heare him.

Laza.

O thou most itching kindly appetite, Which euery creature in his stomacke feeles; O leaue, leaue yet at last thus to torment me. Three seuerall Sallets haue I sacrifiz'de, Bedew'd with precious oyle and vineger Already to appease thy greedy wrath. Boy.

Boy.

Sir.

Laza.

Will the Count speake with me.

Boy.

One of his Gentlemen is gone to enforme him of your comming Sir.

Laza.

There is no way left for me to compasse this Fish head, but by being presently made knowne to the Duke.

Boy.

That will be hard Sir.

Laza.

When I haue tasted of this sacred dish, Then shall my bones rest in my fathers tombe In peace, then shall I dye most willingly, And as a dish be seru'd to satisfie Deaths hunger, and I will be buried thus: My Beere shalbe a charger borne by foure, The coffin where I lye, a powdring tubbe, Bestrew'd with Lettice, and coole sallet hearbes, My winding sheet of Tanseyes, the blacke guard Shalbe my solemne mourners, and in stead

Of ceremonies, wholesome buriall prayers: A printed dirge in ryme, shall burie me In stead of teares, let them poure Capon sauce Vpon my hearse, and salt in stead of dust, Manchets for stones, for other glorious shields Giue me a Voyder, and aboue my hearse For a Trutch sword, my naked knife stucke vp.

The Count discouers himselfe.

Boy.

Master, the Count is here.

Laza.

Where? my Lord I do beseech you.

Count.

Y'are very welcome sir, I pray you stand vp, you shall dine with me.

Laza.

I do beseech your Lordship by the loue I still haue borne to your honourable house.

Count.

Sir, what need all this? you shall dine with me, I pray rise.

Laza.

Perhaps your Lordship takes me for one of these same fellowes, that do as it were respect victuals.

Count.

O sir, by no meanes.

Laza.

Your Lordship ha's often promised, that when∣soeuer I should affect greatnesse, your owne hand should helpe to raise me.

Count.

And so much still assure your selfe of.

Laza.

And though I must confesse, I haue euer shun'de popularitie by the example of others, yet I do now feele my selfe a little ambitious, your Lordship is great, and though young, yet a priuie Counseller.

Count.

I pray you sir leape into the matter, what would you haue me doe for you?

Laza.

I would entreat your Lordship to make mee knowne to the Duke.

Count.

When sir?

Laza.

Suddenly my Lord, I would haue you present me vnto him this morning.

Count.

It shall be done, but for what vertues, would you haue him take notice of you?

Laza.

Your Lordship shall know that presently. T'is pitty of this fellow, he is of good wit, & sufficient vn∣derstāding,

whē he is not trobled with this greedy worm.

Lazar.

Faith, you may intreat him to take notice of mee for any thing; for beeing an excellent Farrier, for playing well at Span-counter, or sticking kniues in walles, for be∣ing impudent, or for nothing; why may not I bee a Fauo∣rite on the suddaine, I see nothing against it.

Count.

Not so sir, I know you haue not the face to bee a fauorite on the suddaine.

Laz.

Why thē you shall present me as a gētlemā wel qua∣lified, or one extraordinary seen in diuers strāge misteries.

Count.

In what Sir? as howe?

Laz.

Marrie as thus—

Enter Intelligencer.

Count.

Yonders my olde Spirit, that hath haunted mee daily, euer since I was a priuie Counsellor, I must be rid of him, I pray you stay there, I am a litle buisie, I wil speak with you presently.

Lazar.

You shall bring mee in, and after a little other talke, taking me by the hand, you shall vtter these wordes to the Duke: May it please your grace, to take note of a gentleman, well read, deepely learned, and throughly grounded in the hidden knowledge of all Sallets and pothearbs whatsoeuer.

Count.

'Twill be rare, if you will walke before Sir, I will ouertake you instantly.

Lazar.

Your Lordships euer.

Count.

This fellow is a kind of Informer, one that liues in Alehouses, and Tauerns, and because hee perceiues some worthy men in this land, with much labour & great expence, to haue discouered things dangerously hanging ouer the State; hee thinks to discouer as much out of the talke of drunkards in Taphouses: hee brings me informa∣tions, pick'd out of broken wordes, in mens common talke, which with his malitious misapplication, hee hopes will seeme dangerous, hee doeth besides bring mee the names of all the young Gentlemen in the Citie, that vse Ordinaries, or Tauerns, talking (to my thinking) only as the freedom of their youth teach thē, without any

further ends; for dangerous and seditious spirits, he is be∣sides an arrant whore-master, as any is in Millaine, of a lay man. I will not meddle with the Clergie, he is parcell Lawier, & in my conscience much of their religion, I must put vpon him some peece of seruice; come hither Sir, what haue you to do with me?

Int.

Little my Lord, I onely come to knowe how your Lordship would employ me.

Cont.

Obserued you that gentleman, that parted from me but now.

Int.

I saw him now my Lord.

Cont.

I was sending for your, I haue talked with this mā, and I doe find him dangerous.

Int.

Is your Lordship in earnest?

Cont.

Harke you sir, there may perhaps be some within care-shot.

He whispers with him.

Enter Lazarrello and his Boy.

Laz.

Sirrha will you venture your life, the Duke hath sent the fish head to my lord?

Boy.

Sir if he haue not, kil me, do what you will with me.

Laz.

How vncertaine is the state of all mortall things? I haue these Crosses from my Cradle, from my very Cra∣dle, in so much that I doe begin to growe desperate: For∣tune I do despise thee, do thy worst; yet when I do better gather my selfe together, I do find it is rather the part of a wise man, to preuent the stormes of Fortune by stirring, then to suffer them by standing still, to power themselues vpon his naked body. I will about it.

Cont.

Who's within there?

Enter a Seruing-man

Let this Gentleman out at the backe dore, forget not my instructions, if you find any thing dangerous; trouble not your selfe, to find out me, but carrie your informations to the Lord Lucio, he is a man graue and well experienced in these businesses.

Int.

Your Lordships Seruant.

Exit Intelligencer and Seruingman.

Laz.

Will it please your worship walke?

〈◊〉〈◊〉

Sir I was comming, I will ouer-take you.

Lazar.

I will attend you ouer against the Lord Gonderi∣noes house.

Count.

You shall not attend there long.

Laz.

Thither must I to see my loues face, the chast vir∣gin head Of a deere Fish, yet pure and vnderflowred, Not known of man, no bred rough country hand, Hath once toucht thee, no Pandars withered paw, Nor an vn-napkind Lawyers greasie fist, Hath once slubberd thee: no Ladies supple hand, Washt o're with vrine, hath yet seiz'd on thee With her two nimble talents: no Court hand, Whom his owne naturall filth, or change of aire, Hath bedeckt with scabs, hath mard thy whiter grace: O let it be thought lawfull then for me, To crop the flower of thy virginitie.

Exit Lazar.

Count.

This day I am for fooles, I am all theirs, Though like to our yong wanton cockerd heires, Who doe affect those men aboue the rest, In whose base company they still are best: I doe not with much labour striue to be The wisest euer in the company: But for a foole, our wisdom oft amends, As enemies doe teach vs more then friends.

Exit. Count.

Finis Actus p••im••.