The workes of Beniamin Ionson

Act IIII. Scene III.

AMORPHVS, ASOTVS, HEDON, ANAIDES, MERCVRIE, CVPID, PHANTASTE, PHILAVTIA, ARGVRION, MORIA.

THat was your fathers loue, the Nymph ARGVRION. I would haue you direct all your courtship thither, if you could but en∣deare your selfe to her affection, you were eternally en-gallanted.

ASO.

In truth, sir? pray PHOEBVS I proue fauour-some in her faire eyes.

AMO.

All diuine mixture, and increase of beautie to this bright beuy of ladies; and to the male-courtiers, complement, and courtesie.

HED.

In the behalfe of the males, I gratifie you, AMORPHVS.

PHA.

And I, of the females.

AMO.

Succinctly return'd. I doe vale to both your thankes, and kisse them: but primarily to yours, most ingenious, acute, and polite ladie.

PHI.

Gods my life, how hee doe's all to bee qualifie her! ingenious, acute, and polite? as if there were not others in place as ingenious, acute, and polite, as shee.

HED.

Yes, but you must know, ladie, hee cannot speake out of a di∣ctionarie method.

PHA.

Sit downe, sweet AMORPHVS: When will this water come, thinke you?

AMO.

It cannot now belong, faire ladie.

CVP.

Now obserue, MERCVRY.

ASO.

How? most ambiguous beautie? loue you? that I will by this hand-kercher.

MER.

S'lid, he drawes his othes out of his pocket.

ARG.

But, will you be constant?

ASO.

Constant, Madam? I will not say for constantnesse, but by this purse (which I would be loth to sweare by, vnlesse 'twere embroider'd) I protest (more then most faire ladie) you are the onely, absolute, and vn∣paralelld creature, I doe adore, and admire, and respect, and reuerence in this court, corner of the world, or kingdome: Mee thinkes you are me∣lancholy.

ARG.

Do's your heart speake all this?

ASO.

Say you?—

MER.

O, he is groping for another oth.

ASO.

Now, by this watch (I made how forward the day is) I doe vnfeignedly vow my selfe (s'light 'tis deeper then I tooke it, past fiue) yours entirely addicted, Madame.

ARG.

I require no more, dearest ASOTVS, hence-forth let mee call you mine, and in remembrance of me, vouchsafe to weare this chaine, and this diamond.

ASO.

O god, sweet ladie!

CVP.

There are new othes for him: what? doth HERMES taste no alteration, in all this?

MER.

Yes, thou hast strooke ARGVRION inamour'd on ASOTVS, the thinkes.

CVP.

Alas, no; I am no-body, I: I can doe nothing in this disguise.

MER.

But thou hast not wounded any of the rest, CVPID?

CVP.

Not yet: it is enough that I haue begun so prosperously.

ARG.

Nay, these are nothing to the gems I will hourely bestow vpon thee: be but faithfull, and kind to me, and I will lade thee with my richest bounties: behold, here my bracelets, from mine armes.

ASO.

Not so, good ladie, By this diamond.

ARG.

Take 'hem, weare 'hem: my iewels, chaine of pearle, pendants, all I haue.

ASO.

Nay then, by this pearle, you make me a wanton.

CVP.

Shall not shee answere for this, to maintayne him thus in swearing?

MER.

O, no, there is a way to weane him from this, the gentleman may be reclaim'd.

CVP.

I, if you had the ayring of his apparell, couss', I thinke.

ASO.

Louing? 'twere pitty I should be liuing else, beleeue me. Saue you, sir. Saue you, sweet ladie. Saue you, Monsieur ANAIDES. Saue you, deare Madame.

ANA.

Do'st thou know him that saluted thee, HEDON?

HED.

No, some idle FVNGOSO, that hath got aboue the cup-board, since yesterday.

ANA.

S'lud, I neuer saw him till this morning, and he salutes me as fa∣miliarly, as if we had knowne together, since the deluge, or the first yeere of Troy-action.

AMO.

A most right-handed, and auspicious encounter. Confine your selfe to your fortunes.

PHI.

For sports sake, let's haue some riddles, or purposes; hough.

PHA.

No faith, your prophecies are best, the t'other are stale.

PHI.

Prophecies? we cannot all sit in at them; wee shall make a con∣fusion. No; what calld you that we had in the fore-noone?

PHA.

Substantiues, and Adiectiues. Ist not HEDON?

PHI.

I, that, who begins?

PHA.

I haue thought; speake your Adiectiues, sirs.

PHI.

But doe not you change, then?

PHA.

Not I, who saies?

MOR.

Odoriferous.

PHI.

Popular.

ARG.

Humble.

ANA.

White-liuer'd.

HED.

Barbarous.

AMO.

Pythagoricall.

HED.

Yours, Signior.

ASO.

What must I doe, sir?

AMO.

Giue forth your Adiectiue, with the rest; as, prosperous, good, faire, sweet, well—

HED.

Any thing, that hath not beene spoken.

ASO.

Yes, sir: well-spoken, shall be mine.

PHA.

What? ha' you all done?

ALL.

I..

PHA.

Then the Substantiue is Breeches. Why odoriferous Breeches, Guardian?

MOR.

Odoriferous, because odoriferous; that which containes most varietie of sauour, and smell, we say is most odoriferous: now, Breeches I presume are incident to that varietie, and therefore odoriferous Breeches.

PHA.

Well, we must take it howsoeuer, who's next? PHILAVTIA.

PHI.

Popular.

PHA.

Why popular Breeches?

PHI.

Mary, that is, when they are not content to be generally noted in court, but will presse forth on common stages, and brokers stalls, to the publique view of the world.

PHA.

Good: why humble Breeches? ARGVRION.

ARG.

Humble, because they vse to be sate vpon; besides, if you tie 'hem not vp, their propertie is to fall downe about your heeles.

MER.

Shee has worne the breeches, it seemes, which haue done so.

PHA.

But why white-liuer'd?

ANA.

Why? 'shart, are not their linings white? besides, when they come in swaggering companie, and will pocket vp any thing, may they not properly be said to be white-liuer'd?

PHA.

O, yes, wee must not denie it. And why barbarous, HE∣DON?

HED.

Barbarous, because commonly, when you haue worne your breeches sufficiently, you giue them to your Barber.

AMO.

That's good: but now Pythagoricall?

PHA.

I, AMORPHVS. Why Pythagoricall Breeches?

AMO.

O, most kindly of all, 'tis a conceit of that fortune, I am bold to hug my braine for.

PHA.

How ist, exquisite AMORPHVS?

AMO.

O, I am rapt with it, 'tis so fit, so proper, so happy—

PHI.

Nay, doe not racke vs thus?

AMO.

I neuer truly relisht my selfe, before. Giue me your eares. Bree∣ches Pythagoricall, by reason of their transmigration, into seuerall shapes.

MOR.

Most rare, in sweet troth. Mary, this young gentleman, for his well-spoken—

PHA.

I, why well-spoken Breeches?

ASO.

Well-spoken? mary well-spoken, because—whatsoeuer they speake, is well taken; and whatsoeuer is well taken, is well-spoken.

MOR.

Excellent! beleeue me.

ASO.

Not so, ladies, neither.

HED.

But why Breeches, now?

PHA.

Breeches, quasi beare-riches; when a gallant beares all his ri∣ches in his breeches:

AMO.

Most fortunately etymologiz'd.

PHA.

Nay, we haue another sport afore this, of A thing done, and Who did it, &c.

PHI.

I, good PHANTASTE, let's haue that: Distribute the places.

PHA.

Why, I imagine, A thing done; HEDON thinkes, Who did it ; MORIA, With what it was done; ANAIDES, Where it was done; ARGVRION, When it was done; AMORPHVS, For what cause it was done; you PHILAVTIA, What followed vpon the doing of it; and this gentleman, Who would haue done it better. What? is't conceiu'd about?

ALL.

Yes, yes.

PHA.

The speake you, sir. Who would haue done it better?

ASO.

How! do's it beginne at me?

PHA.

Yes, sir: This play is cal'd the Crab, it goes backward.

ASO.

May I not name my selfe?

PHA.

If you please, sir, and dare abide the venture of it.

ASO.

Then, I would haue done it better, what euer it is.

PHA.

No doubt on't, sir: a good confidence. What followed vpon the act, PHILAVTIA?

PHI.

A few heate drops, and a moneths mirth.

PHA.

For what cause, AMORPHVS?

AMO.

For the delight of ladies.

PHA.

When, ARGVURION?

ARG.

Last progresse.

PHA.

Where, ANAIDES?

ANA.

Why, in a paire of pain'd slops.

PHA.

With what, MORIA?

MOR.

With a glyster.

PHA.

Who, HEDON?

HED.

A trauailer.

PHA.

Then, The thing done was, An oration was made. Rehearse. An oration was made.

HED.

By a trauailer.

MOR.

With a glyster.

ANA.

In a paire of pain'd slops,

ARG.

Last progresse.

AMO.

For the delight of ladies.

PHI.

A few heat drops, and a moneths mirth followed.

PHA.

And, this silent gentleman would haue done it better.

ASO.

This was not so good, now.

PHI.

In good faith, these vnhappie pages would be whipt, for stay∣ing thus.

MOR.

Beshrew my hand, and my heart, else.

AMO.

I doe wonder at their protraction!

ANA.

Pray VENVS, my whore haue not discouer'd her selfe to the ras∣cally hoyes, and that be the cause of their stay.

ASO.

I must sute my selfe with another page: this idle PROSAITES will neuer be brought to wait well.

MOR.

Sir, I haue a kinsman I could willingly wish to your seruice, if you would deigne to accept of him.

ASO.

And I shall bee glad (most sweet ladie) to imbrace him: where is hee?

MOR.

I can fetch him, sir, but I would bee loth to make you turne a∣way your other page.

ASO.

You shall not, most sufficient ladie, I will keepe both: pray you lets goe see him.

ARG.

Whither goes my loue?

ASO.

Ile returne presently, I goe but to see a page, with this ladie.

ANA.

As sure as fate, 't is so; shee has opened all: A poxe of all cocka∣trices. Dam'me, if she haue plai'd loose with me, I'le cut her throat, within a haires breadth, so it may be heal'd againe.

MER.

What, is he jealous of his Hermaphrodite?

CVP.

O, I, this will be excellent sport.

PHI.

PHANTASTE! ARGVRION! what? you are sodainely strooke, me thinkes! for loues sake let's haue some musike, till they come. Ambition, reach the lyra, I pray you.

HED.

Any thing to which my Honour shall direct mee.

PHI.

Come, AMORPHVS, cheare vp PHANTASTE.

AMO.

It shall bee my pride, faire ladie, to attempt all that is in my power. But here is an instrument that (alone) is able to infuse soule in the most melancholique, and dull disposde creature vpon earth. O! let mee kisse thy faire knees. Beauteous eares attend it.

HED.

Will you haue the Kisse, Honour?

PHI.

I, good Ambition.

SONG.

O, That ioy so soone should waste! or so sweet a blisse as a kisse, Might not for euer last! So sugred, so melting, so soft, so delicious, The dew that lyes on roses, When the morne her selfe descloses, is not so precious.

O, rather then I would it smother, Were I to taste such another; It should bee my wishing That I might dye kissing.

HED.

I made this dittie, and the note to it, vpon a kisse that my Ho∣nour gaue me; how like you it, sir?

AMO.

A prettie ayre, in generall, I like it well: but in particular, your long die-note did arride me most, but it was somwhat too long. I can shew one, almost of the same nature, but much before it and not so long, in a composition of mine owne. I thinke I haue both the note, and dittie a∣bout me.

HED.

Pray you, sir, see.

AMO.

Yes, there is the note; and all the parts if I mis-thinke not. I will read the dittie to your beauties here, but first I am to make you fami∣liar with the occasion, which presents it selfe thus. Vpon a time, going to take my leaue of the Emperour, and kisse his great hands; there being then present, the kings of France, and Arragon, the dukes of Sauoy, Flo∣rence▪ Orbeance, Bourbon, Brunswicke, the Lantgraue, Count Palatine, all which had seuerally feasted me; besides, infinite more of inferiour persons, as Counts and others it was my chance the Emperour detain'd by some ex∣orbitant affaire) to wait him the fift part of an houre, or much neere it. In which time (retyring my selfe into a bay-window) the beauteous ladie ANNABELL, neece to the Empresse, and sister to the King of Arragon, who hauing neuer before eyde mee, (but only heard the common report of my vertue, learning, and trauaile) fell into that extremitie of passion, for my loue, that shee there immediately swouned: physicians were sent for, she had to her chamber, so to her bed; where (languishing some few daies) after many times calling vpon me, with my name in her lips, she expirde. As that (I must mourningly say) is the onely fault of my fortune, that, as it hath euer beene my hap to be sew'd to, by all ladies, and beauties, where I haue come, so, I neuer yet sojourn'd, or rested in that place, or part of the world, where some high-borne admirable faire feature died not for my loue.

MER.

O, the sweet power of trauaile! are you guiltie of this, CVPID?

CVP.

No, MERCVRIE, and that his page (COS) knowes, if he were here present to be sworne.

PHI.

But, how doth this draw on the dittie, sir?

MER.

O, she is too quicke with him; he hath not deuis'd that yet.

AMO.

Mary, some houre before she departed, she bequeath'd to mee this gloue; which golden legacie, the Emperour himselfe tooke care to send after me, in sixe coaches, couer'd all with blacke vellet, attended by the state of his empire; all which he freely presented mee with, and I recipro∣cally (out of the same bountie) gaue to the lords that brought it: only re∣seruing the gift of the deceas'd ladie, vpon which I composde this ode, and set it to my most affected instrument, the lyra.

SONG.

THou more then most sweet gloue, Vnto my more sweet loue, Suffer me to store with kisses This emptie lodging, that now misses The pure rosie hand, that ware thee, Whiter then the kid, that bare thee. Thou art soft, but that was softer; CVPIDS selfe hath kist it ofter, Then e're he did his mothers doues, Supposing her the Queene of loues, That was thy Mistresse, Best of gloues.

MER.

Blasphemie, blasphemie, CVPID.

CVP.

I, I'le reuenge it time inough; HERMES.

PHI.

Good AMORPHVS, let's heare it sing.

AMO.

I care not to admit that, since it pleaseth PHILAVTIA to re∣quest it.

HED.

Heere, sir.

AMO.

After he hath sung.

Nay, play it, I pray you, you doe well, you doe well—How like you it, sir?

HED.

Verie well in troth.

AMO.

But very well? O, you are a meere mammothrept in judgement then. Why, doe you not obserue how excellently the dittie is affected in euerie place? that I doe not marrie a word of short quantitie to a long note? nor an ascending sillable to a descending tone? Besides, vpon the word (best) there, you see how I doe enter with an odde minnum, and driue it thorow the briefe, which no intelligent Musician (I know) but wil affirme to be verie rare, extraordinarie, and pleasing.

MER.

And yet not fit to lament the death of a ladie, for all this.

CVP.

Tut, heere be they will swallow any thing.

PHA.

Pray you let me haue a coppie of it, AMORPHVS.

PHI.

And me too, in troth, I like it exceedingly.

AMO.

I haue denied it to princes, neuerthelesse to you (the true fe∣male twinnes of perfection) I am wonne, to depart withall.

HED.

I hope I shall haue my Honours coppie.

PHA.

Who is return'd from seeking his page.

You are ambitious in that, HEDON.

AMO.

How now, ANAIDES! what is it hath conjur'd vp this distem∣perature in the circle of your face?

ANA.

S'lood, what haue you to doe? A pox vpon your filthie trauai∣ling face, hold your tongue.

HED.

Nay, doo'st heare, mischiefe?

ANA.

Away, muske-cat.

AMO.

I say to thee, thou art rude, debauch't, impudent, coorse, im∣polisht, a frapler, and base.

HED.

Heart of my father, what a strange alteration has halfe a yeeres haunting of ordinaries wrought in this fellow! that came with a tuss-taf∣fa••a ierkin to towne but the other day, and a paire of penilesse hose, and now he is turn'd HERCVLES, he wants but a club.

ANA.

Sir, you with the pencill on your chinne; I will garter my hose with your guts, and that shall be all.

MER.

S'lid, what rare fireworkes be heere? flash, flash.

PHA.

What's the matter HEDON? can you tell?

HED.

Nothing, but that hee lackes crownes, and thinkes weele lend him some, to be friends.

ASO.

Asotus returnes with Moria, and Morus.

Come, sweet ladie, in good truth I'le haue it, you shall not de∣nie me. MORVS, perswade your aunt I may haue her picture, by any meanes.

MOR.

Yes, sir: good aunt now, let him haue it, hee will vse mee the better, if you loue me, doe, good aunt.

MOR.

Well, tell him, he shall haue it.

MOR.

Master, you shall haue it, she saies.

ASO.

Shall I? thanke her, good page.

CVP.

What, has he entertain'd the foole?

MER.

I, heele wait close, you shall see, though the begger hang off, a∣while.

MOR.

Aunt, my master thankes you.

MOR.

Call him hither.

MOR.

Yes, master

MOR.

Yes, in veritie, and gaue me this pursse, and he has promis'd me a most fine dogge; which he will haue drawne, with my picture, he saies: and desires most vehemently to bee knowne to your ladiships.

PHA.

Call him hither, 'tis good groping such a gull.

MOR.

Master ASOTVS, master ASOTVS.

ASO.

For loues sake, let me goe: you see, I am call'd to the ladies.

ARG.

Wilt thou forsake me then?

ASO.

God so, what would you haue me doe?

MOR.

Come hither, master ASOTVS. I doe ensure your ladiships, he is a gentleman of a verie worthie desert: and of a most bountifull nature. You must shew and insinuate your selfe responsible, and equiualent now to my commendment. Good Honors, grace him.

ASO.

I protest (more then most faire ladies) I doe wish all varietie of diuine pleasures, choice sports, sweet musique, rich fare, braue attire, soft beds, and silken thoughts attend these faire beauties. Will it please your ladiship to weare this chaine of pearle, and this diamond, for my sake?

ARG.

O.

ASO.

And you, Madame, this iewell, and pendants.

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Wee know not how to deserue these bounties, out of so slight merit, ASOTVS.

PHI.

No, in faith, but there's my gloue for a fauour.

PHA.

And soone, after the reuells, I will bestow a garter on you.

ASO.

O Lord, ladies! it is more grace then euer I could haue hop'd, but that it pleaseth your ladiships to extend. I protest, it is enough, that you but take knowledge of my—if your ladiships want embroidered gownes, tires of any fashion, rebatu's, iewells, or carkanets, any thing whatsoeuer, if you vouchsafe to accept.

CVP.

And for it, they will helpe you to shooe-ties, and deuices.

ASO.

I cannot vtter my selfe (deare beauties) but, you can con∣ceiue—

ARG.

O.

PHA.

Sir, we will acknowledge your seruice, doubt not: henceforth, you shall bee no more ASOTVS to vs, but our gold-finch, and wee your cages.

ASO.

O VENVS, Madams! how shall I deserue this? if I were but made acquainted with HEDON, now, I'le trie: pray you away.

MER.

How he praies Money to goe away from him!

ASO.

AMORPHVS, a word with you: here's a watch I would be∣stow vpon you, pray you make me knowne to that gallant.

AMO.

That I will, sir. Monsieur HEDON, I must intreat you to ex∣change knowledge with this gentleman.

HED.

'Tis a thing (next to the water we expect) I thirst after, sir▪ Good Monsieur ASOTVS.

ASO.

Good Monsieur HEDON, I would be glad to be lou'd of men of your ranke, and spirit, I protest. Please you to accept this paire of bracelets, sir: they are not worth the bestowing—

MER.

O, HERCVLES, how the gentleman purchases! this must needes bring ARGVRION to a consumption.

HED.

Sir, I shall neuer stand in the merit of such bountie, I feare.

ASO.

O, VENVS, sir; your acquaintance shall bee sufficient. And if at any time you neede my bill, or my bond.

ARG.

Argurion swoune••.

O, Ô.

AMO.

Helpe the ladie there.

MOR.

Gods deare, ARGVRION! Madame, how doe you?

ARG.

Sicke.

PHA.

Haue her forth, and giue her aire.

ASO.

I come againe strait, ladies.

MER.

Well, I doubt, all the physique hee has will scarce recouer her: shee's too farre spent.