The Primpenny Family, Chapter VI [pp. 73-75]

.74
VANITY FAIR.
[FEBRUARY 16, 1861.
"There, Mr. Kineboy. What do you think of the song that
took Sebastopol?"
"Think, mum? Why ef they'd sung that chune to me, I could
ha' tuk it myself with a pickaxe!"
It being now sufficiently long after dinner for healthy-organizations to eat again, the "harf-shell eysters" were brought up, accompanied by several bottles of excellent Sauterne, and a dish- of
ham sandwiches. Mr. Kineboy'was somewhat disappointed to find
that harf-shell oysters differed in' no material respect save position
firom; oysters without any' shell at all, and hesitated' before taking
the. tremendous leap of swallowing them raw for the first;tiime in
his life,-but having committed himself by his owii proposal:resdlved
to lbarn how, or die inr the attempt -'Aifter.the fir st dozen he was
so far from'n finding hiniself compelled to Otakethe'laett erternative,
th;at he: made roo'm for a'.dozen'more, being gr'eatly fotified- for
.the effort by a bottie of that delicious Sauterne,- which he. persisted
in calingicapital bottled cider. At' th"ie close of the entertnainment,
he selected'one'of'the largest empty shells, iand'*wrapt it- in his
bandanna "Ito take hum," as'he said, " to Melissy, who-had ne,ver
see-n an eyster sh-ell,' and.h'e klalkilated she woul'dn' t mind;klnowin'
wlhat they was like.:". -... -..;
- A'pleasanter'liit'tl'e'-fily'than reassembled near the piano after
the harf-shells" were over,.can with difficulty be'cpnceiyed by
the mind4of:the dometic philanthropist. There' was Isaiah,,the
business wrinkles gradually,disappearin g from" his:" counitenhance
under the flatiron of s'ocial'conve'rse, Mrs. Primpenny, bl'e.:eyed
forty five, weaing her own i.original- brown hair', an,d' alt6gether
oneof the roundest,bes -pr'es'ered littlewives who ever re.ach edthat
age when a woman becomes,an unhappy shrew or takes a,ne,wlease
of youth, which.)latss'as iong'ias'grass'grow's or water runs,:for' she
had from the beginniing kept herself in'.smiles likea,peach in
sweet;pickie'Missi-Primpenny, a reduced miedallioi'of ihe~r mother
-a feminine note of hand' promising to-pay a1l. sorts o'f- -matrdnly
goodness/at thirty years sight, tQ whichi.that mother was'eliable
endorsement, and Reuben Kineboy, like'a massive statue- f Agri
* -'.., I i:,,......: -.
culture'dole in weather beaten bronze, which some country Moral
Reform, S.qciety hacl,insisted'upoli putting into a very ill-fitting
rustio, pair of S-unday pantaloons,,-. As they gathered in the parlor
aftei' sup.per, Mrs. Primpennysighed-not because she thought
the; party., unpleasant as it was-but for thinking how much
ple,asanter it might haye been for an added fifth. Fifth No!
First.! for when was a prodigal represented. by any-other number
in a motherf's heart?I
With. woman's instinct, and sister's sympathy too, Miss Primpenny divined the cause of that sigh, and to prevent the sadness
of it from becomning contagious, asked M.r. Kineboy if he.didn' t
sing.. -'
"Sing?" replied Mr. Kineboy with alacrity as if a slumbering
echo had been awakened by the question. "Wall, I guess I used
to do it some! I was goin' to ask'Saiah if he didn't remember it,
but.come to think,.he left afore I got my vyce. It was arter that,
'folug"r years, when -I. used to- be head- bass in the m-meeting-house
.un'der:ole.singin.'-marster Sanders. I kalkilate as lnaow I did sing
them tiames. I lost my vyce airly, though," added Reuben regret fully. ---
"How was that?" asked Miss Primpenny with great interest
"All o' beintew;: zealous'-" replied l!Ir.'Kibneboy.. ".' Naow zeal's a
good thing in meetin'-or in agricultur-or politics. But as I
told a boy that was bound out to me last sumreer, by the s'lectmen,
I findin' him in food and clothes, t'aint no use to split out yer
pantaloons when ye haint got another pair. Zeal's good-but
zeal ain't everything.' Keer's suthin. So is prudence. It was
, zeal as did the -byzniss for me.- ^. -...
."Tl. -.'en,us about it!?' —chimed the ladies.''.
.."Wall, it's.an onkimmon disagreable subjict, but I daon't mind
ef'I~dew~,:Yew see as haow we- make an.orful grand day o' Thanks givin':.up eour way,; and I,. bein-head bass o','the singers, wanted
,one.':tim.e.to dew up. the,chunes we were goin' to have, mighty
slick.: So sez I to Ki Perkins-he. was next bass but. I".wan't no
,.vwaysljealous o' him, for, I sot up with his' sister reg'ler those times,
sez I, we're goin:to have Lift up y.er heads.Oye gates!:to-morrow in
meetin',, and. that are's a.chune that wants;:a amighty paowerful
bass.... Naow 1'11 tell yo:u:what.we'll: j.ist do.:, You be ready at
- eight: this.evenin', and, come out a kinder quiet, without sayin'
n;oathian'itew' the folks, and -we'll go an': sit under the canal bridge
..allnight.; -'"'Won't they ketch.us at it?" sez Ki. "No sez 1",
we're th-e.. only. bass. singers in the choir,. and:. there ain't no other
.si~ngers,whose vyce a. cold. will improve S.6 sez i, "'greed."
T..That night.we, met. accordin' to'pi-ntment, -and went daown to
v,the bridge.. We.thought.we hearda little st.rrir'. whe.n we'got
;nigh tew.'t, and on cominm closter, I. vaow there was ole Jim Bas'sett the~ fust bass -o' Picklebury meetin.hos'e,- and.Joe Cooper,
him what sang the same part over to Cutterville,' and Deacon
.Black from the -Shankstown choir, and seein'.as they hadn't no
canal bridge up theirway to git ready for the Thanksgivin' singin'
.under,,I'll be consarned ef they hadn't come over to make use o'
ourn -.':'' -''
:' "Ki!".said I, "dod rotted.mean this here.ainr't it?'" Said he,
that's so,.but what air we a goin' to dew.?'Let's. go and accuse
'em of it,' sez I..
So we did,. and the way they-left was. purty...They.neaked out
from under that ai' bridge like a cat-out of a milk':pantry.' Ef we
hadn't promised.to'say nothin' abaout it, I kalkilate. they'd. never
ha' sho-wn their face agin in meetin'. - So the coast bein' clear, Ki
an'- I went daown an' sot under the.bridge. all night. Wall, the
next day wasn't there singin' in- eour meetin' haouse? The congregation looked arao.und: a dozen times' ef they did once. to see
.who that was that was makin' the. benches tremble. Arter meet.in:' was. over, the singin' marster' come to me, and sez he, "Mr.
Kineboy," (I felt more sot, up than ever,,then, fur that was the
fust time he'd ever been respectful enoutgh to forget I had a christen' name). "'Mr. Kineboy," sez he,'."don't want to flatter, but
yeou ripped things! Yeou owe it tew yerself to git a meusical
edication.- Consarn me ef yeohi didn't, go spang daown tew low
C." Wall so I' did go:daown. An' I stayed daown tew, fur one
while. I come orful nigh never gettin'. up agin! The cold I tuk
under that air darned bridge went to my chist, and I had a congistion.that lasted me six weeks. — Sence that.time my vyce hain't
never been what, it.was. Still to obleege yeou-.I daon't'mind ef I
sing:an' old.chune'I used to know- whenlI was a boy.. It's rayther
pay-thetic, and don't require much goin' up aIn' daown. Did ye
ever hear tell o' Peggy. Gordon, my dear?"
"I have read about:it, and often thought I'd like.to. hear it,"
said Miss'Primpenny with enthusiasm.. ".What key do you sing
it in:?. I'll play the a'ccompaniment for you.!"
"Never mind the pi-anny, my dear, it- a kind. o''runs.me off
.the track when I'm singin'. The music a. sorter gits between my
legs when I'm runnin' up an' daown myself, an' trips me.' But
I don't mind havin' yeou come into the chorus with that pretty
little:vyce.o' yourn ef yeou kin ketch' the chune. "
Mr. Kineboy threw his head -back, assumed an expression of
countenance piroper to a gentleeman in immediate view of his
decease, and with-the consciousness t'hat he was leaving no means
for the -support of a larige family, but su'pposed by rural musicians
to be eminently necessary for the cerrect ren'dering of melodies,
and beat time with his boot'as if he had.a spite against it'and
would much prefer kicking it, only'that'his heel were in some' unaccountable manner fastened to the floor. Having combined' these
favorable adjuncts, Mr. Kineboy in a voice still retaining reminiscences of the night'under the bridge which years had been unable
to efface, poured forth the lament which delighted our grandfathers.' - -'''