Old Uncle Hampshire [pp. 430-440]

OLD UNCLE HAM.fPSHIRE.
salutation with apparent respectful deference: "'Scuse me, Marsr!'scuse me
dis time; we didn't'spect de pleasure o'
seein' you gemmens jes' yit. We'se all
a gittin' fixt up fur tu retire an' go tu
bed, we wus! dat's all, Marsr-but mebbe dere's someting de ole man mought
be a doin' fur ye; take some cheers, an'
set down-ye mus' be pow'rful gin out,
arter sich smart ridin' as I knows ye
ken do "-and Uncle Hampshire brought
forward a large arm-chair, and was about
to place it for the leader.
"Out of the way there, you d-d black
rascal, or I'll pin you to the floor! None
of your blarney around us. Clear out,
and get us up a dinner in double-quick,
or I'll blow your devilish brains out.!
Double-quick, I say-do you know what
that means, eh?" and he moved toward
the old man with menacing gestures.
"0 yis, yis! I knows what dat
means, shuah!" returned Uncle Hampshire, with an outward meekness that
served as an opportune disguise for a
burning indignation that raged within.
"Dere's nobody kin beat Chloe-dat's
my wife, gemmen"- he added parenthetically, "in cookin' up de hog an'
hominy."
"Dry up, you blasted old blatherskite!
none of your hog and hominy-doings
for us. We want broiled chickens and
toast, plenty of milk and butter, a cup
of your best coffee -you old rascaland wines from the cellar! No humbugging now, or we'll make mince-meat
of you in no time!"
"No, sah! no humbuggery dis time,
dat's a fac'-but briled chicken, an' toas',
an' coffee-de drip-coffee, o' course, fur
gemmens o' quality-an' woffles, I s'pose,
an' sassage, I reckon-ilegant sassages
we'se got jes' now." Uncle Hampshire
protracted the recapitulation, as long as
possible, blindly hoping for relief from
some quarter. At the first knock, the
other men-servants had been hustled
into an obscure stairway, and told to
await orders. With an energy born of
desperation, he threw open the broad
doors leading out upon the front veranda, and added: "Now, gemmens, jes'
make yerselves perfec'ly comforble, an'
de corn-dodgers an' chick'n fixins shall
be done in less'n no time, sartin."
"Wine-you old fool!" shrieked flthe
fellow who had hit him the moment before.
"'Scuse me, Marsr wine, ye ole
fool-I likes tu forgit dat, shuah!" This
with a suspicion of good-natured sarcasm.
"Start! or I'll blow your head off!"
Uncle Hampshire started, saying, as
he went, half musingly, but quite loud
enough to catch the ear of his savage
guests: "Reckon de gemmens mought
like tu tickle de palate wid some o'
Marsr's forty- year- ole brandy down in
de suller; it's pow'rful strenght'nin'
it am!"
This provoked the desired reply; they
were not "de tetotellers" that Uncle
Hampshire had predicted, when illuminating Mom Phillis' mind, by his apt
comparison with Herod, the teetotaler.
"Bring it along, we'll try a glass or
two, now, to get up an appetite for dinner." The pleasant anticipation had
perceptibly softened the demon, and
made the hitherto mute and cringing
lackeys turbulent and garrulous. The
men were already suffering from some
previous accident of self- created hospitality, and the fumes of Bourbon and
Heidsieck, Port, and claret, issued forth
with every breath. They were in that
frenzied state which supervenes the excessive use of mixed liquors- a condition that is speedily followed by beastly
intoxication. Uncle Hampshire's wit
divined the situation: only the brandy
was needed to round up the job. They
would then be in his power, for a time,
at least, and Aunt Chloe's kitchen services, in behalf of the monsters, could be
dispensed with. Just now, she is need
437