A Final Pause [pp. 469-476]

X FlA FiNAL PA USE.
an unexpected greeting; and under the
most favorable circumstances, I was slow
to reply extemporaneously. I had been
taken up, in the space of that moment,
in the twinkling of an eye-morally seized in the strong mental grasp of that
man- who had already all but exhausted my fountain of self-respect, and turned me over and over, so as to show my
possible shady side, leaving me there to
recover my uprightness, if such quality
could be in me, with what facility I could.
I could have been but a very callow theologian at that sunset-hour; but, if I
remember aright, I began at once to feel
that that strange, wise man had, in his
creed, a terrible belief in the depravity
of the human heart. Had his keener
sight detected in my immature face the
hidden and unknown possibilities of my
bad nature?-and was he running by
faith, and not by sight, to check my
wicked course, not yet begun?
I have had it in my mind, since I
came away from under his ministrations
almost two decades ago, to go back
there, and in my maturer years talk with
him, if I could, and get some idea of
how he really looked on the youthful
seekers after learning. He startled me
at first by his apparent intellectuality,
and the unknown, undoubted possibility
of his wisdom. As soon as I had recovered myself fully from my second interview, I only smiled at the riddle of a
speechless countenance; and though I
bated not a jot in my belief in him then
as a possible scholar, I became conscious
that, though he might understand the
heart of man, he knew nothing whatever
of boy human nature. And thereafter,
during my stay of five school terms, I
learned still more: that though he could
rule, because he had the power, he gained the affections of no boy, and never
showed any but the most limited knowledge of their true composition.
A question having been raised in my
own mind as to my possibly being "among
the worst," the matter was of interest to
me, and I looked into it. I shortly came
to this result: The religious tendencies
of all students were pleasantly noted
by the authorities. During my few days'
presence, my religious tendencies had
not been noted; and I do not feel now
in error in saying, that indeed I had not
boasted of any special religious tendencies, though I believe my morals were
good, and my intentions honest. Again,
most of the students were hived in the corporate dormitories, or in private boardinghouses; and the tendencies of a young
man who lives at a public-house are, at
least, open to suspicion. I lived at the
Mansion House, on the hill. It was
quiet, and orderly extremely; was let
under the supervision of the corporate
authorities of the Theological Seminary
over the way, who owned the whole hill,
and consequently supervised its morals.
I will say in justification of myself, however, that the place was not chosen by
me; for, being the only tavern in the vicinity, I must needs else have slept under the elms. And further, that having
learned, after many trying experiences,
that the rooms were small and unattractive, and the provender villainously cheap
and poor I speak not unadvisedly I
early sought better food and lodging in
a private residence; by which strategic
move, I flatter myself, I very much bettered myself both in physical comfort and in
moral reputation. Moreover, there were
two or three other students at the Mansion House, and I was undoubtedly, in the
supervisory mind, among chosen comrades. I had, in fact, scarcely spoken
to them. I now looked at them again,
with a critic's eye. Two were very demure - looking, and dull in reality. One
was roguish in his eyes, and could turn
an intellectual somersault while most
boys were guessing. He was a rascal
of fifteen and a half years-consequently, six months my senior in sin. But
worse and worse still, he came from the
[MAY,
a72