The Ambulance Song [pp. 241]

VANITY FAIR.
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write.
vented
which
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with
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LAMENTABLE CONDITION OF AN INTELLIGENT GENTLEMAN WHO LATE'
LY DEVOTED HISELF TO THE STUDY OF THE N. Y. Berald MAPS.
HARDEE MADE EASY.
ting can be further from the fact, than the supposition that
ordnance has already been brought to a state of perfection.
ever been the conceit of generations to smile with compla upon each invention of their respective periods, and to regard
ity the rising young generations marching upon their respec ars, who came too late into the world to do anything at all
y of their progenitors. Thus with ASTRAGAL, when he con the first idea of the superior cannon, which was suggested
by the circumstance of a dairy-maid making butter in a
Possessing himself of the machine, ASTRAGAL mounted it
ntally upon a garden roller, charged it with ten pounds of
powder appropriated by him from his grandmother's dressing nd proceeded to lay siege with it to the feudal pig-sty of a fierce
who occupied the premises next door. As may be supposed,
perfcct piece of ordnance blew into fragments at the first
rge, shedding its hoops to a distance of several miles around,
bliterating the verdure of the district with a mixture corn of three parts of butter-milk to one of tooth-powder.
ine gander!" cried ASTRAGAL'S enraged father, with a severe
d kick, "learn to leave well alone. Inspect the string of
made by me, off hand, firom a common flour barrel charged
w eal powder. more than forty years ago, and presume not to
ate that an impetuous generation of mere powder-monkeys
gin to beat that!" A reporter who happened to be present,
own this speech of ASTRAGAL'S father, and reported it to the
by whom the latter was immediately appointed to alucrative
n in the Ordnance, which, from occasional appearances, he
to be enjoying at the present day.
it is even thus with our great guns at the time in which we
Some fifteen years ago there arose one WARNER, whoin what he called the "long range," the only objection to
was that he never told anybody how it was worked, and
n -including himself-ever knew anything about it to the
t hour. Notwithstanding this comparative success, the celeb WARNER met with nothing but oblivion of the basest kind,
nearly all the projectilers by whom he was succeeded up to
a year or two of date. Now comes along the great ARM gun, the inventor of which, Sir WILLIAM ARMSTRONG, is
b ghted by a grateful government foi the light shown by him.
et, even while we write, does this vaunted tube excite the derie progressive minds. It shoots to an immense distance, and
reat force and precision. One of its peculiarities however,
t a fair proportion of the shot discharged by it takes an
ric course, returning, like the boomerang, to the point from
it was projected, or to any other point not strictly within
e of fire. This is alluded to as unpleasant by some of the
ors who describe its effects. It has been tested against the
late armor in which men of war are henceforth to be clad
and its effect upon that remarkable case were so feeble, that the
man of war merely woke up as if from a lovely dream. crying "Was that a fish-ball?-give me another plate!" The vent-piece
of the ARMSTRONG gun, too, is stated to be imperfect, on which
account it might be a good thing to invent it all over again.
Doubtless, some young ASTRAGAL will arise to do this; one equal
of course, to the pace ot the times, and neither conceited enough
to imagine that he. can effect long range practice with a butter churn, nor weak enough to be persuaded by old ASTRAGAL that a
flour-barrel is a "bigger thing," still.

THE AMBULANCE SONG.
Let the broad columns of men advance!
We follow behind with the Ambulance.
They lead us many a weary dance,
But they cannot weary the Ambulance.
We rattle over the flinty stones,
And crush and shatter the shrinking bones.
Here we ride over a Christian skull No matter, the Ambulance is full.
Behold! a youthful warrior dead,
But the wheel glides over his fair young head.
See smoke and fire! hear cannon's roar!
Till the bursting ears can hear no more.
Till the eyes see only a sky blue frame
And a lurid picture of smoke and flame.
And the air grows dense with a thousand sighs,
And shrieks defiance in shrill death-cries.
And blood.lies black in horrible streams,
And we think we are dreaming fearful dreams.
But our wheels are strong, our axles sound,
And over the sea we merrily bound.
What do we care for the bursting shell?
We know its music, and love it well.
What do we care for sighs and groans,
For mangled bodies and shattered bones?
We laugh at danger and scorn mischance,
We who drive the Ambulance.
Through rattling bullets and clashing steel,
We steadily guide the leaping wheel.
Writhing in agony they lie,
Cursing the Ambulance, praying to die.
While some in a dreamy deathlike trance,
Bleed life away through the Ambulance.
Hurrah! Hurrah! Up bands and play!
We're leading a glorious life to-day.
For war is play and life a chance,
And'tis merry to drive the Ambulance.
Answers to Correspondents.
FANNY FERN in It, thus doth depose and say:
"What is a man anyhow? For, by the holy prophet, Ilam
non-plussed now-a-days for an answer,"
V. F. begs leave, in behalf of a suffering public, to refer, most
respectfully, to J. P.
Concentrated Ley.
The most corrosive leys now in use are Rip-ley and Fin-ley: any
projects for the benefit of the Ordnance or Medical Department
are immediately destroyed by their potent influence.
An Axiom.
The cuff of a lady is much better on the sleeve than upon the
ear.
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NOVEAI:BER 30, 1861.]
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