By All Means [pp. 76]

76
VANITY FAIR.
[FEBRUARY 16, 1861.
OUR COMPROMISE.
ANITY FAIR Readers. Vanitarians'I Vanity Fairies! I Van Ities
of the Old Dutch sort.
Give heed unto the Voice of your Uncle. Lend-or donate-a
listening ear to a Compromise. For who'hasabetter right to offer one?
Not that we generally do anything that is being done by everybody. But this, you see is a Fair Proposition. A VANITY FAIR Proposition. A Compromise which, in view of all the ex-and-attenuating circumstances which must of necessity be taken into the account,
shows itself to be, in the opinion of our I. I.-now don't read that
eyes; we mean Infallible Instinct, which, by the way is a mighty
good thing to have in the Editor's room; lying around loose, so to
speak, but-H'm!-where were we?-voyons-ah I yes-we were
saying that this Proposition which we are about to make, shows
itself to be a-well, a Compromise. You must 41al- know by this
time what sort of animnal that is.
Our Platform-that is to say, one very large plank in our Platform is, that all Men,Women, and Children (would that they could
always stay children) might, could, would or should, and certainly
ought to have a Good Time generally, henceforth and forever.
And in order that we may not be in any degree misunderstood, we
desire to explain that we mean emphatically A Good Time! A
Superexcellent and Magnificent Time. A Time when all the women shall wear pretty boots, (twos, of course); have unlimited
supplies of JouviN's best (No. 90); and flirt with never less than six
men-at once; when all the men shall be permitted to talk good
grammar and have corner lots; when black hair-dye shall no
longer give an' invisible-bottle-green color.. (Just cast your eyes
toward the Cut at the head of this column. Consider the style of
the two interesting parties. You think it will do very well, no
doubt. As the world goes they're having the best sort of a Good
Time. Well we don't. When our Good'-Time comes you will
wonder how you ever could admire such absurd things.) When
Major Gen. Charles shall become Citizen Charles; when Alderman
Dayton shall find out all he wants to know about City Salaries;
when Horace-ce cher Horace-'shall have nothing in the World to
worry him; when there never shall be, on any subject, an Irrepress.
Confl., no Dead-Rabbit Rows-not even a little one-horse, one-eyed
Mayor Row; when-well, we might go on for a month, and get in
every man's When, to Our satisfaction if not to his own, but-yes,
alas I we must say But; for, you know, man will eat and he must
drink, therefore we drop this branch of the subject-for obvious
reasons.
Now, (to comeback to out Mutton), we propose that we, individually and collectively, shall have, possess, or be seized of a Good
*Evil Fate has tried to be witty at the expense of the ladies, by turning our 6
upside-down.
Time. But how! I Our Compromise which is to bring about this
result will, we are confident, be fully appreciated and approved.
Last week, you know, we got disgusted and pitched into Politicians; the whole Golden-Rule-forsaking pack of them. And
we'll do it again the first good chance we have. We do. not wish
to be severe upon them on this present occasion, but, fellow-sufferers
Promiscuous Public, we advise you to compromise with circumstances. We beg you to rid yourselves at once and for all time of
Politicians, and consequently of all disasters and calamities caused
by them. Lift your strong right hands against TREASON wherever
it way rise. Cut off its head, thus leaving REASON in its place.
(N. B. The application of this in the present crisis is, no doubt,
apparent. Men of Front and Water Streets I send no more Bohea
or Oolong-not another T-not even Gunpowder, to-we need not
say where.) Denizens of Cities I begin at once.! Before breakfast!
Blot out the whole Race I Fillmore Toombs with Clay or' otherWise than all your Masons, no matter- where they Hale from, can
build-l Dwellers in -the Rural Districts. I, Wade into every Lane,
and annihilate, eradicate all Th'low Weeds, dirty Cobbs, dead
Branches, Orr other useless Rhettched trash unless they will consent
to' Grow better I Scuttle your Briggs! have Dunn with Rust, by all
means, where.Everett may be found'l Strap upthe legs of all
Vic-ious''Mayors, and put not a bit-of anything into their mouths,
ete,'etc., r Tc.. ETCETERA!:
'There's an outline for you i Men of Energy! now go to Work I

BY ALL MEANS.
"Joy to the,world." Shout, oh! ye Impecunious. Sing,'A1'ellu-jah! Raise up your voices, Cry aloud, Make yourselves heard,
Let people know you are around, all people- who are poor but
smart, and know any politicians. Hold your individual breaths,
my readers, while I announce to you that it is found, the philoso-I
pher's stone, the universal panacea, the great-make-every-manrich-affair, the placers that every one can work, the mine wherein
every one can mine who has a mind, the thing in fact. Would
ye know where. Gather round, oh! poor ones! while I point out
to you this source of Monte-Christian wealth. Perhaps you all
read it; in the saintly World, perhaps not; but I found it therethus " The House Com: on Elections have considered the SICKLES, WITT.TAMSON contested seat, and have unanimously given the seat to Mr. SICKLES. Mr. WImAMSON, however is to be allowed salary and mileage, the same as if he had been
elected."
That's it, that's the Idea, splendid thing, Run for Congressonly run-it ain't necessary to be elected, better l,e defeated, for
you keep out of bad company and have no trouble, run for Congress and contest the election.
Salary and mileage! all election expenses paid and a plum or
two over.
There can of course be no question as to the propriety of receiying this money, for the son of WILLIAM wouldn't touch it if it
wasn't all right. Of course not. There can be no second opinion
in regard to the justice of allowing this sum to defeated candidates. By all means, nary.
Perhaps some old fogies might think we had better give the
"spoons" to ANDERSON, who has done something for his country,
but wouldn't that be deviating from the Congressional rule, to
never do anything they ought to, therefore I say, let's all run for
Congress, and here's my name to begin with
For Receiver of Salary and Mileage,
I ARCHER."
CarVing at Ham.
When LOUIS NAPOLF,ON was in prison at Ham, it is reported that
he occupied his time in carving an elaborate walking cane which
is now in the possession of a gentleman in this city. Our cynical
contributor says that such an occupation was perfectly natural,
since it was the only stick he could at that time out.
. Something in a Name.
Our colored contributor suggests that the Southern States ought
to bencalled the Cotton-Wool States, as this name would define
both their peculiar staple and their peculiar institution.
What They Need.
A French friend says that the great requirement of our Federal
Army-Officers, just now, is " Fort rtude!"
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