The Third House, Letter IV [pp. 46-47]

46 AIT FAIR. [JANUARY 26, 1861.
THE THIRD HOUSE.
", A shambles of tle'parliament ho'se!I ": -' t.
3 Henry. VI, 4,cel ce,ne'1.
LETTEIR I V.
OF LOBBYlM.EN ALIMENTARY.n
I - I I. I
OOD READER, if you are one ofthse:. uddbi 1gs who imagine
that a dinner consists of eating at a certain peori of the day, I
advise you to read no more of thiSchapter. — Yobu won't understand
it, and had better turn to,, M Low.w.'S, nt ry1 instead, if,
indeed, you -have not already doneso'. "o' o'y ised
Tofeed is not'to'-dine.::;J,:?:.::,.~, "!'-;
- By no means.':The: "grub,' "-if I m-ay:be'aHl'oe8'tb u'se that most
expressive but inelegant:: term:,is,m, erely' whph:ysicians call a
vehicle, just as'rh'uirbirb (pakh'!:) is':,gire. t -heifden jelly, or
salt to -cattle by admixture' With' bran.: well regulated dinner
should be a social,- syllogism:'-. Major'opreuise- our friends
Messieurs and Mesdame-s A, B13-and rC:able to' accmplish'a certain
result: minor, five courses-and'a desert:-'cnlo n -'the certain
result to be accomplished, be it' a favorable criticism, say on the
great work before you,'.or anomiinatilon'f6or'"thait little place which
your friends are trying to for'e upon yo'u, s6o imnuch against your
wishes, or a bill for the relief ofthe'!legalrreprese'tatives of etcetera,
etcetera. In the langu'age of an/ieminet' poe-t, ~who4se ~oarseness
of expression I am far from',defending,-':'''':'
"To win the heart, or get the vote,;.:i.
The quickest way is down the throat.",,.
The dinner, the'true and genuine dinne''r,'is'round the table;
what is upon it is-I mean,no disrespect to thewoirthy'dealers in
beef and breadstuffs and g.reens —' leather and,prulla. "
There are dinners and then,again there are di-)aerS..: There ate
the White House dinners,- gloomy -enough-;.-dinners at which,
indeed, the diners are glad to eat, and drink without being merry;
at which nobody knows anybody else, unless, perhaps, his wife,
except distantly and frigidly; —'arbitrary and rigid affairs. I wonder
if anybody ever- made a joke. at, one. of,them..Hw. pleased our
present'worthy' chief Magistrate must have been,,e.;" issopassion ately fond of -a quiet little.'joke! I ha' beeni tyin,g:to iniagine
the,'precise state of the m.a's mind/:who:'Ainvefl.,these.statae
dinners, and can't., Once,a weeek t,hey hav.e th;em". Ho well the
company is sele-dcted!:This. week.it is,:thee, d'ges of' the S,uem'e
Court, all alone, who -must. be delighted,: to'meet eh: otherh afer
haviing been deprived.of.that pleasure for a'Dorming' and a'half
next the Foreign Ministers, inf.ull unfor;;theni he,.6enators, A
to M, all devotedly attached to each other, again the i epresent:a tive R to Z (it would, hardly be-. the thing for Messrs. PnYoa and
PoT]R to ".have it. out' before' His'Excellency; wo.uld-it?).Sober
citizens sprinkled, to -theirinwair d jy; always somesuch: judicious
and pleasing arrangement. I have been to many a one myself, in
the old times, which I have heard-were.so much superior to our days
(you have been less favored, I -dare,:say;). and I remember how I
used always.to.think, in the pauses,.of the funeral;baked,meats in
HAM-LET, and how jolly those lit'tle affairs' must ha,ye,beee,in com parison. Everything is formally grand and-gloomy,'ot''to say
peculiar. You are invited: on:immense cards, incontinently sug gestive of "To Let, Enquire..Within." His Excellency goes in
first, and helps himself before any of the guests;,an example
which some public servants I'could name'ha've been known to carry
into their official life. You are assigned to duty'with some one of
the stately ladies whom you don't know, by an edict promulgated
confidentially through that young gentleman whom everybody
takes at first for an assistant Butler, but who is in reality the
Private Secretary; and you are: told to "take her in' (not the
Butler. Secretary but the lady.)- I can't help. sympathizing with
the.bewilderment of poor old McGAUKEE, thehmember from Dakotah::."': Take her in?" he bawled. "Idon't want to take her in!
why,in thunder- can't she go in alone!".,.....
. Then there are the Cabinet dinners, which are miniature edition's
of'those at:the White House, only slightly.more so.. Why do
pe.ople have such things, when it's, so. much easier not-to,? And
then.there.are theglorious VANITY FAIR dinners, (ah!) c ncerning
which the less Isay the better, lest the entire populae, fired with
my; description, should rush into immediate and:furious contributo'r0,shipj.And then there are the gorgeous.dinners at the Far
['But f,is thlis a treatise on gasl ronomy, or is it not?.I anm losing,
. iW,,hat.dnfiueice. a dinner' can have, on legislation,may be a pug-.
zl,ln[g,tqu,efstion. i.to you,,but.it's.. quite'clear tome,- who have lived
so,..mush,more! iin.the world and know. all about it., Legislators
have t,ta'hs —-some, v.ery'mnuch so; also, legs; and when,the
foirmer arde filled at your board and the latter mingle with your
own and you, gusts', sub uSdem trabibus-under your mahogany
or.oa..(I am. g]nlad to se'e the fashion,for the latter wood gaining'
gr'lound.,,) w:when you~have shared together "'the rat-,tat-too of knives
an[d fqrks, r.ithe clilnklty-clink' of glasses;," how is -it;possible for the.
sternest mind to i~el othe'r than a genial yielding to those valid
arguments-? I feel it myself.-: A very little does my business
and' four fri,edand a glass of ale,in a friendly way, will convince
me' ny day, /uite as effectually as Mr. MILL'.s most masterly logic.
Did noto,lthe. great.original. Lobbyman. go into -the -business with
only, an,'apple?" iThe.'result of- that little transaction has been
before the public. for: some years, and I feel that]:comment.is uninecessary., SaUYDRS' understands all this perfectly and his -dinners
are reaily deiightful. His assortments. of goods-I mean guestsare so well made. You always know that you dove-tail with
somebody, and that you-'.on't be' stuick,'as they' have done
.me at the White -House, next to Judge TANEY, of-whom you
stand'in,-venerating awe,: or to little TOM, TIT-TS, whom -you
cordially despise, and who, knowing you are.a funny,man, makes
a point of telling you the next'tQ last joke (your own perhaps) in' a' shockingly m,angle'd' condition. I,was at a littie dinner
that SPuYDERs gave only last week,'though Il', m sure I donl' t know
why I. call it "li.ttle," except as a diminutive of endearment.
What a nice time.we had, -to be sure.:There were JoE -GORMANDY.
who is.a' splendid. and: very effective diner, and Major GUTTENSON
and- Mr:. SWARD, and General[ LANE, and Dr. GiV.IN,f' and JIMPSON,
who, strange to. say, has.been a politician all- his life.-without ever
holding any office, except in the Lobby; and that-fellow JOBSBY.
I forget who all the ladies were,, but I remember my. yold friends
FAANNY EPLnETTS,.and that charming person, her':Iotheri- and Mrs.
kPTu.:DEP.,s,i of course, Who tried to' talk literature to me uider. the
impr es:ion that it. was:'the right'thing to do. She asked metoif I
liked Rutledge,'and I said, I- didn't; also, with a little exclamation
of deprecating surprise, whether.. I had read it, and I told her I
hadn't. Then I asked her, maliciously, whether she had seen my
new farce, Among The Missing, or AcceptThese Bonds; whereat
she-said she had heard of it and iF'was very ffiny.a I-t'must be,If
she hatd ~heard of it-.or'I-hadn't.': Ad'Aoh! what a stupid -fellovw I
amn! There'was,'rs. GORGESS, the splendid new -Wid6w, got up withia
lavish;:; disregard'of*;expense, whose costume';I- could desribe
elegan-tly,]if it:were not indescribable of man.'She:iipressed' me
witha'.yagtue floating belief that the dear'dep'arted.twas TIF'sA-iY'&
Com5pany, who' had left her the rheire,ss to Golcrd'ain'n ereown
tighth, on condition of"the'perpetual exhibition-of:-sa'mples.'I ike
to see a lady crowded with jewelry, especialy'of. acvry large and
shiny klind.:'ItLs75 50;"genteel'' you lknow.'The widow' has:suh
fank ways about her,too, and will telL you'the piice of her
sple'ndor,!for t-he asldking sometinmes,- -th6e'ydo -'say,' without'that
ceremony...-..?.
,'A5':s; I -do'n't difie, habitually, at'nominal ix'o'clock, but approximate'seven, I took a: p ta'te o'f soup' aboutan hour:before stalting,
in order not4to seein unduly hungry, and"'attired in my dress coat,
(which I- abho'r)-and- th'e'usuail extras', presented myself, at the
appoinied time, befo~re the ra'diant Mrs. SruY'Dris and her urbane
spouse. " The company were nearlyall there when I' arrived:(I make
it-a point of coming in late; rit puts -every on'e in a good humor
with you,) and engage'din thessubdued chat which prece'des'little dinners. -''As I looke- d a'round th'e room, and'my glanhce' fell u'pon the
wort,hy mhgna.tes -and' minimates'- assembled, upon' GORMANDY and
GUiTENSON and JIMPSON and thte great JOBsBY, I saw, in a-moment,
with the eye of,a connoisseur what the dinner was for;' It was
potash.'You may not be aware of the fa'ct,' but it is nevertheless
so, that the interests of manufactures require that somethingshould
* Don't be the least alarmed, my dear sir, or Madam; of course you know,:I
never did actually dine with these three worthy Seinators. But it gives an air of
awful respectability, especially in the rural districts, to mention the names of
such very great men.
f
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46
VA:NITY FA,IB.
11 [JANUARY 26, 1861.
'oj.